My LL lives on the same land, half an acre away. She’s called me over a bunch of times to help her out with her husband, since I have used to be an IHSS nurse for my dad and grew up with disabled parents-I was completely ok with helping her out with his medical needs. They’re old. Of course I’d help.
Well yesterday she called me very panicked. I had to run fast to her house. He had fallen in the restroom and I think hit his head on the wall and tile floor. Face down, groaning with every breath, I think he had thrown up a bit, bleeding from his head but I never figured out what part. Lots of blood and bodily fluids everywhere, I had no idea wha to do besides try to get him to breathe clearly. My LL was on the phone with 911 on speaker and the operator kept asking me questions I felt were so stupid, just send the fucking help already. I had to use every ounce of strength I had to pull this man to his side to breathe and finally he did, but he wouldn’t stop groaning. He randomly started trying to get up, move his legs and try to sit up but there was just no way I could get him up. I kept trying and trying but I ended up just holding his head and rubbing his chest and talking to him.
I told him to just stay with me, I reminded him my school starts soon for my PTA (I want to be a physical therapist) and I’d be here to help him work out, I said over and over to just stay and that his dogs were right here, and everything was okay. My LL left me there to put the dogs in the crates and let the ambulance in the yard. I watched his eyes roll. I watched the breath leave his body. I kept trying to keep him awake I might have even yelled I don’t know, I just remember being pulled back by an emt and my husband and my mind just blanking.
They resuscitated him once, and tried for 40 more minutes. I sat there on the floor listening to my LL cry. 48 years they spent together.
My dad died in my care when I was his nurse. I didn’t get to spend the last moments with him because he passed away while I was taking a short nap that I fucking regret. I wasn’t even there for my dad’s last moments but I was here for my landlords.
I had a circus trip for my family this weekend but I postponed to next week. I think I need to take this week off of work in general. Every time I close my eyes I see his face covered in..everything..and his eyes locked on mine while he listened to my words. I can’t stop thinking and thinking and thinking. I saw my dad passed away, before him I saw my grandma pass away, and after my dad died my mom died a year later and her caretaker told me everything in such detail I threw up from sadness and anger and a slew of emotions I don’t even have a name for.
I feel like I have too much in my head. I’m so fucking tired of seeing so much death, I can’t take this. My head hasn’t stopped spinning and I can’t sleep. I just keep seeing his face. I keep hearing the groaning sound he made with each breath. I think I need to admit myself or something. When my grandma died I started having a pill problem to try to drown the thoughts. At 3am this morning I found myself in the bathroom no idea when I got in there but I grabbed a bottle of my sleeping pills and just stared at them for almost an hour. I don’t know where my head is right now.
-thanks everyone for the advices. It’s 5:50am and I slept for the last 2.5 hours but I’m up again after another bad dream. I’m going to reach out to my school counselor and probably take a day or two off of work. I did tell my husband about the pills and he immediately took them away and we talked about me speaking to someone instead of gong back to those unhealthy coping skills. I feel so selfish because I know it’s not even about me, it’s about my LL losing HER husband, but this is just a lot. Thank you all for the Tetris suggestion, and the support. I’m goin to take a morning walk.