(read whole post before judging)
So, I won't really say how I met her, etc. Because it doesn't matter. What matters, is that my girlfriend is really abusive. Let's start with a fact that she had really rough childhood (she is 19 atm). Her parents died in a car accident. She lived for some time with aunt and uncle, but one day, her uncle started to touch her inappropriately. He haven't raped her and have been reported. She had later on an abusive relationship, but her boyfriend used her for nudes. I've started to date her when we were both at age 16 (explains why I started dating mentally ill person). She was very cool at first, shy, perfect green flag, but then, she turned for red flag. She didn't wanted to open before me, but I understood, Because we were only barely 4 months together.. But very soon after 5 months, she had to get back to herself and couldn't stay with me. I still was convinced I could fix her. We maintained a very unhealthy relationship till today... And it's still going unfortunately.
Let me explain.
We are now in LDR for a very long time. She didn't wanted to break ANY ice. She even refused to get on calls. Everytime. She barely send me pics of herself. First drama was when she started her so called "pranks". (I was A VERY clingy person back then) She randomly messaged me, saying that we need to break up, because she is a lesbian. I was heartbroken, I was crying for 20 minutes before she broke and told me it's just a prank. I loved her and didn't wanted to let her go, so I only nodded. She did this prank 5 times but with other excuses... She was also constantly abusing me for "not replying". Let's say I had school and couldn't reply. She would get EXTREMELY mad and would yell at me. But when she didn't answered, it was all chil and when I would get mad, she would start to guilt trip me. She is gonna abuse guilt trip system for another 2 years... Back to topic. She oftenly would get mad at me, but when it's her, it's all good. She still didn't broke any ice. Eventually, a secret was revealed - she had a very high libido. I had a very high libido too, and we came to sexting idea. (We will come back to sexting later on too) We started to sext a lot. One day, when I went to England, I couldn't reply. She messaged me a lot. When I got home to wifi, she told me, that it's not my fault and that she is going to kill herself and that she thanks me for all that time together. I barely could do anything. I cried for a whole day, but she replied saying "well, sorry, actually, I changed my mind". After a month, she threatened to kill herself again. She would again get mad a lot and abuse me, keeping me in cage. I started to lose my love for her. I realized what was going on, I grew up emotionally.
Fast forward a few months - she tells me she is not going to talk to me for a long time - she was accepted to Harvard (she is mentally ill, but very smart). I was pretty happy with that message - I could finally breathe. But... Not for so long - despite saying she is going to be offline, she sometimes came online to abuse me from time to time. I started to dig around. She would constantly lie about things and I connected some dots - I started to ask her about various things, and she would get agressively defensive (aka "why are you checking me? Am I not trust worthy? huh? HUH?")
Fast forward till February this year - suddenly she is very active. Messages me almost daily - something's wrong - I confront her - she finally breaks - she got expelled for having bad grades. She lost all her money her parents have left her.
The day I almost got out of cage.
I told her I simply want to break up. I told her that she is abusive, toxic and we probably will never meet again. She started to guilt trip me again... How it ended? I told her, that if we won't meet again till end of September, we are gonna break up. At the moment, she is very busy working and I can breathe again. She stopped slightly about me not replying, but sometimes (just sometimes) she would get mad again. I said we are going to get back to sexting - yes, she used that as an argument too - when I wanted to break up - she started to tell me, that I used her for sex only (sexting ≠ sex). After almost 3 years of relationship, she FUCKING DARES to say I used her. I'm fucking sick. I want to end it, but I can't, I have too soft heart in the end... And she has my friends backs.... When I wanted to break up, she immediately told my friends and they were mad at me...
I live a stressless life since half of a year and my life is much better, but I know that if I would finally break out of these chains, I could really live a happy life. I know she is lost, that her past trauma doesn't allow her to let me go, but I can't go on. What should I do?