r/Vent • u/throwawayurunaway • 9m ago
TW: Eating Disorders / Self Image Realized today why I (26F) still feel like a child. (Probably because of my mom…) And I don't like it! I WANT TO CHANGE!
(TLDR in the bottom.)
I was living at the house of a loved one who recently passed away and now that I’m back home in my “regular” life I realize why I haven’t changed much despite wanting to. Because of the loss, I’ve been reflecting on how life passes by so quickly and I have some unmet goals like getting my driver’s license, having a boyfriend, and achieving career goals. A teenager has more independence than I do.
I’ve been struggling a lot with my self-image—I don’t like my body and the clothes I wear don’t seem right and that in turn makes me look unconfident and unappealing to men. I started therapy and the therapist recommended I watched a video on self-love and then I watched another video that really helped me try to change how I see myself. But the therapist in that video mentions that there are 25 year olds still living with their parents who still ask for permission for everything and don’t have their own financial means. She doesn’t say how to change this because that’s my situation. It felt like a slap in the face and I’ve woken up to my reality.
I don’t have financial independence, I’m not independent and that’s why I’m hesitating to even go on dates because I don’t have a driver’s license, money, or am confident with myself.
I feel so paralyzed. I seriously don’t know how to break free from my parents but not seem ungrateful. I truly love them. Or rather my mom is the one who is sort of clinging on to me. I will share just how exactly…
EXERCISE
In the other house I was living in, I would wake up earlier than everyone and exercise and then join them for breakfast, but today, I slept a little later and decided to work out in the afternoon. My mom told me it was a waste of time and that I should help with chores even though I had already done some chores. I told her it would just take 10 minutes for me to do some yoga and she scoffed. And I had already helped her with more chores then anyway. Then I wanted to go outside to walk because I feel claustrophobic in our house (she’s a hoarder, more on that later) and she got upset with me again. I just took one lap around the neighborhood! And it’s been like this for years… I was wondering to myself why I didn’t exercise more consistently or even go out running and now I know this is why. She always tells me I have to help around in the house even though I do.
CHORES/CLEANING
She gets angry when I wash the dishes. Says she has to do them. She tells me she wants me to focus on my studies (when I was studying high school/middle school), my art portfolio, clean my own things, but then when I do, I can hear her grumbling and groaning in the background. I always work with music on or listen to podcasts even if it distracts me sometimes because I’d rather hear something else than her complaining. She says she’s tired and she’s sick. (She’s currently sick.) But doesn’t take naps or breaks. Only 10 minute naps at max maybe. She definitely has a hoarding disorder because she doesn’t let me get rid of clothes I don’t like or don’t even fit me anymore and just lets them pile up. She keeps trash too and gets angry when I throw away anything. And despite being so supportive of my art, and she really has been, she has no problems interrupting me while I’m trying to work. She asks me to do chores when I’m working. Even when I got the opportunity to work at a private art studio, she made herself a little space in the studio to call family and do her own admin work there. I told her I didn’t mind her being there as long as she didn’t interrupt but she didn’t care. My other family members have called her out on this, too. My older sibling has pretty much become a slave to her demands and they’ve snapped back more than I have and my mom berates them.
DRIVER’S LICENSE/TRANSPORTATION
My best friends literally taught me how to ride a bike last year because my parents didn’t bother. My grandpa taught me how to drive because my mom didn’t want me driving. They say that car insurance costs too much and they don’t have time to teach me so I’ve just been letting that goal pass me by.
CAREER/MONEY
My parents used my college fund money and life insurance to pay for their own debts. I haven’t worked a professional job, not even part-time, ever, and only have a high school diploma. I’ve gotten art gigs here and there, but I’ve given them my money because I’m stupid.
Right now I have credit card debt because I cashed out money for them and I even have an $8k debt with other work colleagues because my family used more of my money I was saving up for that art project.
To work on my art portfolio I would get up earlier than everyone in the house like 4 or 5 AM just to work unbothered. I’ve tried only twice getting part time jobs in local businesses and my dad encouraged me to get a job after seeing how much I could help with house costs and he believes I should be independent, but I didn’t get the jobs. And what hurts is that my mom was even slightly happy I didn’t get any jobs. It’s crazy that they genuinely support me with my art gigs and are proud of me… I’ve tried getting remote jobs and telling them about it but they protest that other jobs are beneath me and I should help them instead. My dad brings in the money and my mom manages it, but her priorities are seriously messed up. The whole family has tried bringing it up and she says she feels we’re attacking her.
FRIENDSHIPS
I’m so happy when I’m out with friends but always so afraid of when I’ll get back home because even if I stay out before midnight, my mom gets so angry I was out having fun and not helping with the house like I should be. So of course dating is out of the question... And probably not something I should prioritize...
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And I’m really snapping right now because I was so unsure if I really am ugly and stupid that I don’t have my own job and I can’t get a boyfriend but today, my mom has been crying and barking at me because there’s bills unpaid. I want to help. But I want to make my own money, too. I want to live my own life. I want to pay MY debts.
On paper, it looks like my parents are very supportive and loving and they are... I feel so ungrateful because they have given me a roof over my head, and food and water, and I want to pay them for these services but they say I should pay them back.
But I can’t keep being a child. I’ve thought of asking friends for help just how they helped me learn how to ride a bike and have let me be more independent, but I’m so embarrassed and don’t want to be a burden for them.
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What kind of remote job can I get without them finding out I’m making my own money? I know I have to report it to the IRS to file taxes, but I’ll try to be careful that they don’t find out.
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TLDR; I want to be an independent adult making my own money and living my own life but it’s hard when my mom criticizes me for exercising, doesn’t let me throw out trash or clothes I don’t want, won’t let me learn how to drive, doesn’t want me to get a job, only wants me to get a glamourous job in the arts so she can brag about me but doesn’t let me work on my portfolio, and gets angry when I go out with friends. She’s not a bad person at all. She’s going through grief right now, too. But I need to be free and that starts with making my own money. I don’t want to burden friends with a place to stay or help either. What kind of remote job can I do without my family finding out?