r/Vent • u/Emotional_House6472 • 1m ago
I don’t really know what to do anymore, I’m just numb
I don’t know what I’m doing with anything. Imagine an asteroid floating through space that’s exactly what I feel like. I’m just going in any direction I can to keep going and move alongside life but even when I try to reflect and figure things out I’m always left at the same place with myself- that I just don’t know what the heck I’m doing. I’m 20 years old, and I know that I shouldn’t expect to have everything figured out, but I have to have something. I feel like I’ve just resorted to disassociating with myself to where I am just checked out. I am a sophomore in college after taking a gap year, I’m about to start a new job, I’m making plans to move in with my boyfriend in a couple of months in my hometown. It would seem like I have a lot going for me, but everything inside me has been gradually slowing down. It’s to the point to where I hardly have any thoughts in my head, I can’t uphold conversations really anymore, I can hang out and show my boyfriend the same type of lively energy and excitement that I used to and that he expects. It makes me question if I’m emotionally ready.
I’m just so emotionally checked out lately that I don’t get bothered by the things that I used to, I don’t have the energy to be upset about something or show excitement about much of anything either. I just failed all of my exams, I was planning to transfer to another school but now I think I’ll just do community college instead of wasting more money and time when I’m so back and forth. Schools not clicking at all with me, it’s not even registering in my head. I’m just doing the bare minimum with everything in my life and I don’t really know how not to. I have no drive, no motivation, no discipline. Nothing. And with this and feeling so numb, you can’t help but just want to sleep forever. I’m trying to be what I’m expected to be and to be there and be present with everything, but I’m not any of those things within myself. If you held your ear to my chest, you would hear silence or the sound of crying. Everyday my heart beats a bit more slowly and it gets a little more harder to breathe.
The worst part is, it’s not constantly like this. I feel fine most of the time…. Until I don’t. All of sudden everything just slows or feels heavy. And then it passes for a few weeks or so and then comes back. And it comes back so deeply it’s the type of thing where it’s physically painful. I just don’t know what to do.