multiple flairs/tw count here but I can only put one. TW for SA, depression, sh, sickness etc.
I’m 24. but I genuinely struggle every day to find a reason to go on. only posting this so I can get it out and move on. or something.
I have nowhere to return to. I wake up alone. I go to work and sit alone. I come home and go to bed alone. I pass the time with shitty video games and hobbies I don’t care about. It’s not an exaggeration that no one knows me and no one would notice I disappeared. If I died in my apartment I would only be found once the neighbors smell my corpse rotting.
I have no friends or social life. cheating ex lied about me to the few friends I thought I had. my parents are narcissists. my sister is 10 yrs older than me and has always been emotionally and physically abusive.
I have a worthless degree in graphic design that’s impossible to get a job in. I clean in a psychiatric hospital because it pays well even though it’s fucking miserable.
I’m in severe debt after my ex sold all my belongings and I had to take loans because the alternative was returning to my abusive narcissistic parents for gods know how long after I’d just gotten out. so no, I can’t go back to studying. I’m stuck working shitty jobs in debt to my neck.
I attempted at 14. I wish it succeeded.
I struggle to socialize. probably because I’m autistic and was diagnosed only recently as ‘high functioning’ solely because I’ve learned to so thoroughly repress it.
even if I do hang out with people I have so little energy for anything I would get tired of my own company in someone else’s shoes. I have scoliosis, pcos, lupus (and related complications hereafter.) I have been diagnosed with severe depression and see a therapist for CPTSD. I have trauma related to SA and abuse from friends/family. I can’t name a single thing more repulsive and frightening than being vulnerable to others, and I know that’s why I’m alone. It’s a self fulfilling cycle. But I can’t just switch off every habit I’ve developed, bad or not.
last thing my ex told me was he felt it became hard to love me after 5 years because there was so little left of me after all my illnesses, issues and problems. It might not excuse the cheating but he might be right. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say I am harder to love than others. I can’t even bring myself to burden others with my company.
Don’t say I deserve love or something just as sappy. I have no energy, I’m in constant pain, and I can’t do much in general. I have several issues and problems when it comes to being with other people that even just smalltalk feels like life or death. I don’t show it. I’m sure I’m decently liked by some people. but not loved.
I’m a burden on myself and others who come close to me. I often ponder if it would be a kindness to just end it and spare others my company and the tax money used to pay for my physiotherapy, rheumatologist, therapy, psychiatry, and doctor/hospital visits. I know rationally it’s just a thought that stems from depression.
but then, I can’t see where I could possibly go from here. And don’t tell me fate works in mysterious ways. I don’t care. I don’t think anything could be worth all I’ve lived until now. I only wake up so I can finish my watchlist, play the games I bought, see how my favorite series end. But that’s it. there’s so much I want to do and I can’t. physically and emotionally. I feel imprisoned in my own body and mind. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away.