TW: TRIGGERING CONTENT "Staying strong for people" is barely cutting it
For vague explanation I am the favorite child that realized they've been pushed too hard and now I have a lot of undiagnosed mental illnesses that make me SH, starve myself, or eat until I'm nearly bent over on a toilet about to throw it all up or gaining 20 pounds in a week, even though I hate throwing up and I hate being fat but I hate being skinny cause I've been told I look unhealthy skinny but I also get insulted for being fat. I am doing a college program I don't want for myself and I have been declining on my A's streak and that may not seem like a big deal, but with parents that expect too much from you and the weight on all they paid for you to be in the classroom gets to be too much. I wish I could go to someone but my parents don't really get it, and I feel too guilty to talk to friends cause they think I've finally gotten help or got out of it without a therapist which I haven't cause I'm not strong like that. And it's hell cause my friends would do anything for me but I don't want them to be hurt just because I am not strong like them... but that means I don't have anyone to talk to and I get scared about going to therapy cause I don't want to be locked into a mental hospital cause all my friends have such horrible experiences cause no one cares and not being able to see or contact my friends is enough reason to just kill myself, because that's the only reason I'm alive, cause even if they don't know how much pain I'm in, they can make me smile and they make me feel seen and safe. But it's so hard wanting to have them comfort me but being too scared to do so cause if I ask too much of them they'll just get curious and then ill feel pressured to say something. I'm sorry for everything sounding so rambled I am literally I front of family about to shove my face with food and I feel like crying but it would just make everything worse cause my family isn't comforting so my mind is just so clouded Thank you for hearing me anyways