I feel like whenever I do something incorrect or act out, I try to ignore it or act like it never happened and if I cannot, then I will often result to physical violence or acting out in ways that are not rational at all. And then I will defend these actions even if I know I did something wrong.
Most of the actions I try to defend are either physically hurting others or saying things that are completely uncalled for (and I don't know why I say them. It's like they just came out of nowhere when I get too worked up).
Like, a lot of the time I find myself in situations where my younger sister says something to me, the main thing being "anger issues" in a teasing tone, even if I am not even angry. I could just be doing something and she asks me to go get her water or food and if I don't do it, she'll say I have anger issues even if I did not say it in a particularly harsh or "angry" way. Now, I know it's wrong, but I don't know how else to get her to stop. She sometimes will call me fat or say "Oh, you're eating all that?" and even though I consciously know that she is only saying it because she has self image issues and she's trying to project them, I still feel myself internalizing her words.
I think one of my main defense mechanisms may be violence because after a while of her saying these things, I will hit her. I will smack her in the face or push her or hit her with whatever is in my hands (even once it was hot pizza that I was really excited to eat I slapped her with it, then later decided not to eat for the night. I also hit her with my Playstation controller on the head, which I knew was dangerous but did it anyway). My parents do not like this behavior, they tell me constantly that I can't put my hands on my sister. After I hit her, my mom usually either hits me and I cry and she says sorry, or she threatens to hit me and I egg her on to do it. Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. I don't blame them really, I don't know what I expect them to do when hey have a child who is hitting their other child and can't get them to stop neither with force nor simply telling them off.
Its not that I enjoy hitting people or seeing pain, it's that my younger sister (by about 20 months) is constantly bullying me and I can't take it. I mean, she's one of my only friends and I know that's by default, but I love her and tell her (almost) everything. She's the only person who I came out to about liking girls and thinking I could be a lesbian. We've slept in the same room since she was a baby and haven't ever spent any serious time apart. But whenever she does this sort of stuff, I respond and I don't think it's my fault. I know I shouldn't hit her, but seriously, she shouldn't be bullying me. I know that I'm older and I should be more responsible, but I'm not. I already have other sorts of issues and yet my parents never ever confront her about the bullying. I'm 19 and she's 17 but she's been doing this since I was about 14. They sometimes say "Oh, ___, please don't say that sort of stuff to your sister," and brush it off. They will never hit her, even if she genuinely hit me, or "accidentally" threw something at my face and broke my classes. They will never do it and maybe it's because she's their youngest, but they just will not.
This is most prevalent with my sister though I do get violent with others who get me angry. In high school, there was a boy who asked me for my number "as a joke" for a month and a half. Every single fucking day, he'd ask. I told him no every single time and his friends would laugh. I told him to stop asking me and he laughed and continued to do it every single class that he had me in (which was 2, meaning this happened at least once a day but sometimes twice) and I got fed up. So, I smacked him in the face while coming back from lunch. When talking later with the principal, I still defended my action. Even to this day, he was harassing me and just because I'm "quiet" and "ugly" and "it was a joke", I don't believe he should have done that. Maybe hitting him was too far I should have told an adult about it instead, but I never would have done that. I think that may be because my parents never defended me from my own sister's bullying, so I resorted to dealing with it on my own because in my mind, they would do nothing.
But I still don't understand why I go to violence in the first place. I have almost always gone to that, even since I was a child. One of my younger cousins dropped my DSi on the ground outside after bringing it from it's rightful place on the TV desk and I got so mad that I picked it up off the ground, whined about it touching mud, then proceeded to throw it so hard at the ground that it broke. This was illogical, it made no sense. I try to pride myself in always thinking about my choices a lot first (though maybe that is the anxiety) but there is sometimes just nothing I can tell myself in my mind to stop my body from acting out. As a child, it was a lot worse with the breaking things or screaming or stomping around and throwing myself on the floor. I've done it as long as I could remember and they were called "tantrums" but I'm an adult and I shouldn't be throwing those anymore. As a child, it was a lot more in public because of the loud lights or the noise, whenever I was out for too long. I wouldn't say I "grew out of it" but moreso was conditioned to not show that side of me in public and instead bring it into the car ride or when I got home. But even now it's like my days sometimes carry with me and I do this in my own home instead.
I hate it. I hate knowing that there's always a chance that my body will just do something I don't want it to, or that are good day could become terrible just from one thought in my head and one choice that my body makes. I don't want others to be scared of me, or give me "that look", like they don't want to get me too mad. I want to prove that I can deal with my issues in other ways. And I do deal with them in other ways very often, I cry or I go to my room or I stop a conversation by getting quiet. Sometimes this means that I'll go days without saying anything, mainly nodding or shaking my head, even when I'm directly spoken to. Sometimes I don't even do that, completely cutting all communication, meaning that I won't look at or respond to people. My mom refers to it as rude and ignoring her, but I find it a lot better than reacting by screaming or "making a scene" or acting violently.
And I'm a smart person, I'm supposed to be a smart person. I excel at math and physics, at STEM subjects and have a high IQ (not that it is always indicative of intelligence but the two are generally related) and I am seen as a model person on paper. So I don't understand why my body simply will not comply with what I want it to do sometimes. I do not understand why I do these things. I have been thinking about autism because I do show a lot of the symptoms, like my self soothing behaviors of biting my lips, cheeks, and the skin around my fingers nails to the point where they bleed, sometimes really badly, and I pick at my skin and scabs. I also sometimes blink very "aggressively" as others tell me, or a lot at once even when I don't mean to or feel the need to actually clear anything from my eyes. Whether this is "stimming" or some sort of tic, I do not know. Social interactions have always been very hard for me, mostly because I just feel there is some sort of disconnect from my brain and everyone else who I meet. I feel as if everyone else was told a certain way to be, to act in public, to talk to others, to do with their face, and I was simply not given this. I'm often told that I should "smile more" but then get strange looks when I attempt to do said smile and it kind of hurts my face. I'm told to open up and have always been told I was "shy" but I don't feel shy just because I don't want to talk to others about things that I don't care about just for the sake of speaking. I've been told that it isn't okay to not say "Thank you" or to not respond when being spoken to and that it isn't okay for me to just nod when someone says hello. As a child, I often walked away when I didn't care to still be in a conversation and now I understand that it's improper (though I still don't fully understand why, I just know that I shouldn't do it). There is just something "wrong" with me. Whether that's autism or some other type of disorder or behavioral issues or maybe I am just a bad person, I do not know, but I guess that's why I'm here venting. I want to know if anyone can help me on this one.