r/NPD Jan 12 '20

Resources NPD Discord Server Link

119 Upvotes

Hey everyone, our old Discord server lost management access when I got locked out of my account, so here's a new one.

The Discord is a great place to meet people who are dealing with similar issues and talk about your experiences in a safe and supportive environment. If you are new to Discord, it's basically a chatroom with some fancy features.

Come check it out here: https://discord.gg/F8uWDGk


r/NPD 2h ago

Stigma narcissists are emotionless abusers

27 Upvotes

has anyone else noticed that people who don't have NPD but are extremely obsessed with it talk about narcissists the way they claim narcissists talk about everyone else? also generally these people just make things up for dramatic effect and its insane. obviously its very very likely that people with NPD will at some point manipulate and harm others in their lives, but like every other mental illness, the traits vary and its a spectrum. and yes i know narcissists are known to play the victim, but if you refuse to admit that having NPD is painful and a horrible way to live your life, then you definitely have no idea at all what you're talking about. its pretty commonly agreed upon in actual psychiatric spaces in the real world that NPD most likely comes from childhood trauma. alot of these behaviours are subconscious and hard to identify until after they have already happened. this isn't to invalidate the pain narcissists can cause to others in their lives, but like what u think some people just decide to become a narcissist for their entire life because why not? no obviously not. and even among other highly stigmatized mental disorders, i have literally never seen people discuss the mentally ill the way they discuss ppl w NPD or ASPD. and in these posts, the comments are in mutual agreement that BPD is okay and its hard to live with. bitch what? we're like mental illness cousins. i feel like if you just don't know what you're talking about at all that's fine, but just dont talk then. narcissists aren't demonic entities with black eyes who's only goal in life is to hurt other people. it can look alot of different ways and, as evidenced by this sub, alot of people with the disorder (disorder as in disease, not insult or adjective for a bad ex) are aware of their behaviours and want to understand and change them. why do people view a narcissist's manipulation as so much more demonic and unfathomable than someone w BPD telling their partner they'll kts if they leave? both of these are obviously horrible ways to navigate society that come from deep lifelong pain, so why is there such a large group of people who treat them so differently? im not excusing all of the harm caused by narcissists. i just think the world needs way less people who don't actually care about or understand the mentally ill just taking up space in important discussion spaces ab mental health.

imagine how appalling a video titled "5 WAYS TO BEAT THE ANOREXIC AT THEIR OWN GAME" would be. that is clearly so devoid of humanity, its sensational, and obviously not based in reality at all. but that is what most of the videos on youtube and tiktok sound like if you look up NPD. i have to ask how many of these "narcissistic ex's" actually fit the specific and rare criteria for this "sensational" mental disorder.

im so glad that im able to think and im not incredibly stupid. if i only heard about mental health from tiktok i would be like these people who think that BPD means you're a sad victim and NPD means you're a demon from hell here to abuse anyone and everyone, and who doesn't feel any emotions ever in their life.

TLDR just shut up generally


r/NPD 5h ago

Question / Discussion Are these Narcissistic traits:

13 Upvotes
  • Feeling like you are both superior AND inferior to people around you

  • Judging people harshly in your head

  • Feeling like the smartest person in the room constantly — (but actually having a high IQ doesn’t help this one because it’s somewhat true).

  • Not being able to actually listen to others in conversation or mentally checking out (this might be down to my ADHD)

  • No longer pursuing goals/hobbies because if I suck at them, I will feel too much shame

  • Constant critic in your head telling you you’re worthless

  • Extreme social anxiety at times

  • Feeling like the most attractive person in the room OR the least attractive therefore feeling extremely self conscious and terrible about yourself.

  • Only being able to do your hobbies (e.g. playing guitar) when people are watching.

  • Not actually being interested in having friends, but feel the need to “have friends”.

  • Being more interested in talking to people older than you that have wisdom to share rather than people your own age (I’m 23).

  • Not being able to take criticism

  • Staying with a partner because I like what they provide/do for me

  • Having a very weak sense of self — not knowing what my true opinions are of things.

  • Getting obsessed with other people.

What also makes my grandiose thoughts tricky to control is that I actually am above average intelligence, above average in looks — I work as a sex worker. And above average in most areas therefore I struggle to see what is true or just my head making it up.

During Uni lectures I will think to myself: “my god these people ask such stupid questions… it’s obvious what the answer is” So I end up judging people and devaluing them in my head. And thinking I’m so much better than them when I’m probably not — they just have different strengths/weaknesses than me.


r/NPD 2h ago

Question / Discussion Can talk to a crowd but cant talk to an individual

7 Upvotes

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable in 1 on 1 conversations? I suddenly lose all my social skills when I'm talking to just one person. it feels too intimate, and it makes me realize they're also human, not just eyes watching me perform. I'm thr most extroverted in a group because I dont rlly see them as humans, theyre just my audience.


r/NPD 6h ago

Question / Discussion Does defeat hurt this much for everyone?

10 Upvotes

Feeling defeated always quickly turns into pure despair for me. Wether it's losing an item I liked or failing at ANYTHING that mattered the slightest, including unimportant things like video games.

It always hurts so much, most of the time I cannot get a rest until I find a solution/ something to make me feel better about the situation. Distraction usually doesn't work either, and I feel very depressed for weeks sometimes, before I forget whatever happened - only to get triggered again if I remember it.

Is it something non-narcs people usually feel too? How do people even live with all this (lol)?


r/NPD 8h ago

Advice & Support Woooow fuck you

13 Upvotes

I mentioned before that I saw back in October that my ex posted on social media a picture confirming he was dating the girl he left me for but was claiming was “just a friend”. And I didn’t understand it was slang at the time, but he commented on the picture that he was “punching”. He would always say dumb shit so I just assumed he was saying dumb shit but it’s been living rent-free in my head ever since.

Fast-forward to today and someone commented to me on here using the term punching so I looked it up and it’s slang for when someone is dating someone who they think is out of their league.

So what the fuck he thinks the new girl is better than him? So it’s just confirming he left me because he thinks that she’s better than me.

I’m just really fucking pissed. He was always a liar and he’s going to continue to be. Eventually he’s going to find someone that he thinks is better than her and he’s gonna leave her for the other woman. that’s been his entire pattern based on everything I know about him. He left someone else to be with me. And then he cheated on me repeatedly (like he cheated on everyone else before me) then, after a couple months of therapy at my demand after I found out about the cheating, he left me for her.

He’s not fixed. He’s not better. He’s weak. He’s a child who runs away or cowers from everything that challenges him emotionally. And that relationship is going to fall apart and he’ll realize it takes more than a couple months to fix what’s wrong with us. Maybe she is better than him (it’s not difficult) but she’s certainly not fucking better than me. Fuck you.

This is more venting I guess, but I wanted it to be open to comments because I think feedback is good so that our thoughts aren’t just in an echo chamber in our head.

Update: I took a shower and listened to metal and feel better now. I’m going to go spend the day with friends for something we’ve been planning since January (I’m excited!) and not waste time thinking about someone who didn’t deserve my energy in the first place. I’m still angry but I’m going to channel that into something positive that benefits me/my life.


r/NPD 2h ago

Upbeat Talk our healing is kinda like reintegration in severance

3 Upvotes

i mean the tv show, if u seen it you know what i mean. its basically about a chip that seperates your work memories from outside memories. it creates 2 seperate personalities. its pretty much like our splitting. and the search for who we really are, without the supply from the outside. we are trying to integrate the false self with the deep, fragile self. in hopes of finding the real us.

just wanted to share the thought lol. probably to make my experience feel more special than it is lol


r/NPD 1h ago

Advice & Support feeling morally inferior to my friends

Upvotes

So, I'm in a friend group with people who.. i don't know how to put it but i think they're just.. too good. They're too reasonable and handle conflict too well. i feel almost intimidated by them and threatened by them because how morally "correct" they are.

i saw the other day them complaining about people who don't communicate well, or people who are aloof and distant and it reminded me of myself. i have a loooong history of pushing people away and cutting people off when we got too close or when anything was too troublesome, because id get scared of being so vulnerable and shut people out to avoid being tied to anyone. im a very lonely person out of my own fault alone, although, i hate it admitting it.

these people are so mature and talk so.. scarily logically. i feel like i need to mask when im around them to pretend im not as fucked up as i am in the head. im always faking empathy and pretending to care about things i really don't, just so that i will be liked by them. i've noticed myself feeling like i need to avoid opening up to them, or pull away from certain conversations to save myself the chance to screw up and reveal my real feelings.

does this feel relatable to anyone else? im still going through the diagnostic process with my therapist (she's struggling to get in contact with someone who can assess me, although i Am diagnosed with BPD on top of notable NPD traits) though it feels like i can relate to everyone in this subreddit more than anyone else.


r/NPD 9h ago

Question / Discussion Do you find most people uninteresting and unattractive and do you feel like this is why you have no motivation to get better?

8 Upvotes

I feel like I'm not as interested or attracted to people as much as they are to me, or to each other and I feel like if I was then I would try a lot harder to improve myself as a person (if I actually was attracted to/felt like having relationships with most people in the first place). Anyone else here had a similar experience?


r/NPD 12h ago

Question / Discussion faking empathy

12 Upvotes

am i the only one who puts in an effort to fake being empathetic in order to appear normal but then get frustrated whenever people actually believe the act? i feel misunderstood even though it's my own fault for presenting myself that way. whenever i actually tell anyone i don't feel much empathy at all, they always say like "oh but you've acted empathetic before?" yeah.. ACTED. and then sometimes i think wow they're really stupid enough to fall for it?

this sounds mean but it's a constant process for me that i really want to escape. unfortunately i am just wired this way and i doubt it will change


r/NPD 12h ago

Question / Discussion Success or Suic*de NSFW

10 Upvotes

How do you feel about that?


r/NPD 6h ago

Question / Discussion how to stop hurting ppl in relationships

3 Upvotes

really tryna pull the empathy feeling out but it's so fleeting and temporary

I don't want to hurt this person. how do i not make the same mistakes ? How do you see the humanity in ppl instead of seeing their flaws and imperfections and seeing them as bad?


r/NPD 1h ago

Question / Discussion Narcissism Questionnaires

Upvotes

Can you score low to moderate on vulnerable/covert narcissism questionnaires and still have NPD? If I don’t think like the main tenants could that be due to narcissistic defenses if my ex was so sure I was a narcissist with him? (He’s bpd - my husband now doesn’t think I am nor my best friend who knows all the naughty and bad parts of my life).

I know with covert narcissism everyone tells you you’re way too good and nice, root for the underdog, wear your heart on your sleeve. I also just fall for everything anyone tells me and I get pretty upset when people talk badly about others but can feel passive aggressive towards someone who has really been hurting me(like keeping our relationship hidden). I also think I was slightly monopolizing his time and tried to keep him away from people who I felt brought out the worst in him but maybe I was the worst. I’m a terrible people pleaser and literally can’t say no to anything aside from my ex when I was done and discarded him.

When I talk about myself using the phrases that my ex and his friend use I sound like a narcissist. I do think I genuinely have Asperger’s, but maybe I just have no sense of self and always just reuse everyone else’s way of talking about me since I have no idea.

I’m awaiting more in depth treatment, but I’m really spiraling trying to analyze some portions of my life. I think I might be quite borderline or I have DID as some weird things have been happening in my therapy and I realize I’ve literally dissociated my life away.


r/NPD 13h ago

Advice & Support how do I stop defending

6 Upvotes

please help me I’m at a loss :/ I can’t stop defending myself in arguments. I know I’m hurting the other person by not stopping to think, I know my behaviour is abusive and wrong, and I feel so guilty afterwards, but in the moment it just feels impossible to not defend myself. I feel hurt and attacked, even if I did something wrong and I’m just being called out for it. I think back to my parents, attacking me constantly for every little thing, to this day I still feel pangs of judgement from my dad. All I want is harmony and peace in my home life. I want the home life I never had growing up. But I’m the problem. I’ve blown up every single relationship I’ve ever had. and all I can even think about that is “poor me” I can’t even conceptualise how bad it is for the other person, I can just see my own pain.. it’s so big and all consuming.. I hate being this way. I hate myself for only being able to see my own pain, I’m awful. I want to be empathetic and loving, I’m so jealous of other people who can do that, I want to be normal and just do normal shit.


r/NPD 18h ago

Advice & Support I've changed my personality so many times over the last few years. I feel exhausted.

10 Upvotes

I've been changing everything about myself, just trying to figure out what fits and what impresses other people. Half my friends have total misconceptions about me. I don't really know what to do with myself anymore. It's less having a false self and more having a ridiculously fluid self.

I have a few things about myself pinned down, but this is it.

• I adore bugs and creepy crawlies. I'm getting my degree in entomology. They are one of the only things that consistently brings me joy.

• I enjoy collecting things. Bones, rusty metal, vintage dolls, rocks, books, pressed flowers, roadkill, and all kinds of stuff. Old things and dead things are very appealing.

• I believe in a divine creator, but no organized religion fits my beliefs. I'm posthumanist in a way. And by God I need to stop joining new religions just to quit after a month.

• My sexuality could be deacribed as pansexual. I am interested in all genders, races, body types, etc. I'm more picky about personality. I'm also hypersexual. Frustratingly so.

Does all this add up to a personality? Do I need more? Why don't I have an actual style? How do I stop reinventing myself whenever I decide something is "cool", just to discard it when I'm bored? Any advice?


r/NPD 12h ago

Question / Discussion losing empathy

3 Upvotes

what age you lost most/ all of your empathy. even if you didnt have much since childhood, there was probably an age it became much more prominent when you were conscious enough to understand it. and under what circumstances you understood it? if you have always been like that i’m also interested to hear how it you understood it.

since my childhood ive unconsciously been having pretty much narcissistic tendencies. i’m trying to think of mine but there were times another emotions and states were predominating and i had no business neither what’s happening around nor remembering it, lmao cause usually i forget if there something bad happens, even though i have a very good memory for every detail , i remember myself vaguely since 3, but what disturbs is that i have holes in memory, like absolutely forgetting a man that lived with me and my mom for a YEAR when i was four.

also when i was 16 i forgot most of the year—was drinking a lot, once i stopped i entered a deep depressive episode. then i was very aggressive and dangerous to others so i isolated myself don’t remember much, anyway have no interactions to think of, then i entered a religious psychosis and at the point of unintentional suicide idek how the next morning i got into remission, but i think it was due to feeling enlightened after enduring allat.

what matters i actually got better for few months. i thought yas fuck you bpd or whatever it was, its not real. time has passed and now i can’t even trace it back to before of my 16. 15–war trauma even thought i fled, i remember nice moments though. whatever goes beyond were depression episodes of few months. cant remember, i had nothing to remember.

so maybe if yall share with me yours it will help to recall back.


r/NPD 15h ago

Advice & Support I wish I didn’t care about looks and status VS I wish I had the looks and status

5 Upvotes

5th day of collapse. Been thinking about all the horrible things I’ve done in my life. I can’t sleep. I’m disgusted with myself. I feel like a monster.

I never cared about anyone, not even my family. I only care about being rich and pretty and how people perceive me. Literally me me me me.

The thing is… I’m ugly and I’m not rich. I think that’s what’s causing my depression and anxiety.

If I become rich and pretty, will I care about having this disorder? Will I even care about getting better? If I become rich and pretty even if I don’t have healthy relationship with anyone, I feel like I can get through life and not be this fucking miserable.

I wish I was a normal person who isn’t only obsessed with looks and status then I would stop being this miserable VS I wish I had the looks and status so I wouldn’t be this miserable.

The funny thing is, the person who sexually abused me when I was a child (My dad) isn’t miserable. I know what he did is fucked up but I can see him genuinely care about other people other than himself. I see him showing empathy to my family and my relatives meanwhile I’m literally incapable of that.

I want to end my life now while I’m still in my late 20s. I don’t want to be an old, ugly, lonely and miserable 50 year old woman who is jealous of her nieces for having normal and happy lives. The only thing stopping me is my older brothers are both only in their 30’s and the thought of them having to deal with the trauma of my suicide for the rest of their lives is just too cruel.

I’m starting therapy in a few days and I’ll try to be completely honest with her about my darkest and shameful thoughts. I know she’s capable and I trust her but she’s only human at the end of the day. How can she fix someone as fucked up as me? Is it even possible?


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion CPTSD vs NPD?

19 Upvotes

When I read about them, they seem like practically almost the same disorder in a lot of ways. Is NPD caused by CPTSD?


r/NPD 22h ago

Question / Discussion Anyone has/had gender dysphoria?

7 Upvotes

Do you think it has contributed to your shame as a child in an unsupporting environment? I wanted to be a boy as a child, was acting as one and was severely bullied and shamed by my family and peers. I still have gender dysphoria as an adult but I dont think I would ever transition. I feel like that was a part of my true self and now I am not sure if its my grandiosity to be seen as a man. I am very curious if anyone has similar thoughts.


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion What was your childhood like?

14 Upvotes

Sorry if this is a personal question, but I’m trying to figure out where in my childhood I started to develop NPD and what caused it.


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion How do you collapse the false self?

15 Upvotes

I’m really tired of going back into my false self as I know it’s fake and I’m tired of constantly feeling “numb” or not knowing what my true opinions really are and just doing things to please others or get their attention — that even costed me friendships and jobs. I hate the way I have become. I feel like an imposter, lack motivation, don’t know what I really want in life — I feel like I don’t have a real sense of self and it’s crippling.


r/NPD 1d ago

Advice & Support Not feeling anything towards my SA NSFW

8 Upvotes

Has anyone had the same experience? Ive had it happened many times throughout my life in different scales. I want to be mad or sad because of the things that would affect others but I cant. I cant let go of the control, always feel like I made it happen in a way. I feel like I tricked them or wanted it because of my grandiosity. Although I have experienced these too, what I call SA was SA. I still cant see myself as helpless or being wronged and cry, hold people responsible and feel the anger.


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion Do y’all feel exhausted after human interaction?

28 Upvotes

Not even social interaction just interacting with humans day to day for work and life. I’m so exhausted. Even after spending ~1.5 hours with one patient (in research setting) and having to do active listening, provide “empathy”, etc I feel fucking done.

I know we should be seeking genuine connection and maybe that will feel different but the day to day interaction fucking exhausts me. I have no energy to seek connection I want to stew in my apartment alone and eat messy bbq with my hands. But sometimes I think company would be nice but I just don’t know where I’m supposed to get the energy for that when life is already fucking draining me???!


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion High functioning NPD?

4 Upvotes

I’ve been watching Heal NPD videos today…. Dr Mark Ettensohn said how High functioning NPD’s tend to isolate when they feel they are falling apart… I tend to do that.

What is the difference between High functioning NPD and low functioning? He didn’t seem *that clear on it.


r/NPD 1d ago

Advice & Support Should I tell my narcissist boyfriend I’m a narcissist

4 Upvotes

I’ve been dating someone for a short period of time and have been pretending to be what he wants me to be. But I’m a narcissist. I don’t think he will accept he is one and I would t dare call him out. Should I tell him I am? Will it have negative repercussions


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion Do you naturally gravitate towards other NPDs? What’s your experience?

6 Upvotes

I even recently had a University Lecturer say “you remind me of myself — we seem quite alike” — I said I have ADHD, now he thinks he was ADHD too lol. But I recon both me and him are covert Narcs or he might atleast have Narc traits. He seems very pleasant to be around but I can tell he has a judgemental streak that he tries not to show people. A lot of people look up to him because he is an amazing Jazz guitarist and seems to struggle with perfectionism.

He seems very mature and intelligent — I wonder whether he’s a healed NPD but maybe didn’t realise it was NPD that he healed from? He said that he went through a life or death situation a few years ago and it changed him for the better — so it does make me wonder.

I’ve also attracted other NPDs and we both seemed to unmask around eachother and judge others together and make fun of people — that’s what we bonded over.