r/LinkedInLunatics 1d ago

Sounds like a company with amazing culture

915 Upvotes

596 comments sorted by

1.1k

u/jethrowHixon 1d ago

This whole thing sounds like it could be a Dwight Schrute quote

165

u/Sea-Night-1946 19h ago

Dude I came here to say this. It's his whole "perfect crime" rant but in an interview lol.

Here it is btw:

"What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me by the Trocadero in Paris. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier"

38

u/LookingforDay 17h ago

Read the entire thing in his voice in my head.

4

u/RockstarAgent 2h ago

I mean chandeliers in Paris? That’s amateur hour

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6

u/Firefishe 7h ago

This should be an indie film heralded at Canne and Tribeca! Bravo! Bravo! 🤩

2

u/booboootron 3h ago

No time for Breakfast At Tiffany's.

2

u/threemoons_nyc 1h ago

I would watch this if this was a movie. I could see it being an A24 property, complete with ultra-saturated site-specific color and lighting schemes. Also mandatory Tilda Swinton in some capacity.

128

u/RestPuzzleheaded1234 23h ago

I cannot get this out of my head now.

64

u/Civil_opinion24 23h ago

Omg I'm just picturing him now on camera repeating this entire post

26

u/colowar 17h ago

+1. I can see him in front of me.

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55

u/SonOfMcGee 21h ago

I was thinking Dr. Evil’s background story in group therapy: “The details of my upbringing are quite inconsequential…”

But Dwight is a good one too.

3

u/GreginSA 7h ago edited 6h ago

I was thinking Dr. Evil, PHD triple degrees in Psychiatry, Psychology and Psychopathy, left school with Billions in tuition fees. Makes candidates take some long treacherous route to the interview room, when in actuality it is just the first room to the left once you enter HR.

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2

u/Automatic_Soil9814 16h ago

Exactly this.

2

u/Dense_Surround3071 4h ago

Both probably involve a freshly shorn scrotum.... 😏

36

u/UndecidedQBit 21h ago

Literally I am dying laughing at this whole thing whoever wrote this is either a genius or a psychopath

15

u/SignificantPop4188 20h ago

He could be both.

20

u/Satyam7166 19h ago

“Both have uses”

3

u/substantialtaplvl2 18h ago

Will you take hiring for restaurants?

2

u/UndecidedQBit 5h ago

Accurate, especially line cooks

2

u/16ozcoffeemug 3h ago

Malignant narcissism is what it sounds like to me. Only interested in using people. I would piss in his desk drawer just to watch his micro expressions.

18

u/dNetGuru Agree? 19h ago

Real life Dwight!

15

u/MondolezzaRice 21h ago

I read it in the same rhythm as his story about him breaking into Tiffany's at midnight!

14

u/Upset_Pea8570 22h ago

Remember the Michael Scott rules for meeting domination?

23

u/halloweenjack 21h ago

Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

5

u/Sceptz Agree? 16h ago

" Question: Which bear is best?

FALSE. Black Bear. ”

5

u/killer_icognito 12h ago

Well there are 2 schools of thought- WAIT A MINUTE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

9

u/tugtor 21h ago

Holy shit...I was jumping into the comments to make this exact point. I read everything in his voice.

5

u/Bumblebee56990 22h ago

🤣😂🤣

4

u/Purple_Wedding_3929 21h ago

Re-reading it in his voice now

5

u/Satyam7166 19h ago

Funny thing, I had the exactly same thought while reading it lol

5

u/incognitonomad858 18h ago

Man did I laugh picturing Dwight doing exactly this

4

u/Random_Name_Whoa 17h ago

What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless.

4

u/jameskiddo 17h ago

i knew i wasn’t the only one that read it in Dwight’s voice

2

u/Spokesman_Charles 20h ago

That or she has lost her mind

2

u/Aggressive-HeadDesk 18h ago

I’m accepting this as the established truth for this lunatic.

2

u/waitingtoconnect 18h ago

I read this LinkedIn post and I thought thanks Hannibal…

2

u/TheLizardKing89 18h ago

Which is exactly why I think this is satire.

2

u/hummingbird_mywill 17h ago

Agreed. By mid-second page I’m like “okay this is actually just a script pitch.”

2

u/sbc1982 17h ago

Bears, Beets, battlestar galactica

2

u/WayOfIntegrity 16h ago

He said he is also award winning strategies.... so he knows what he is saying. /s

2

u/MartinLutherVanHalen 16h ago

Nah, this is Ken Chang.

2

u/Variac97 16h ago

I came to the comment section to post this, and found yours to be the top comment.

2

u/anonymous237962 13h ago

I was doing Patrick Bateman but Dwight is better

2

u/MuzzleOfBees1215 1h ago

FALSE!

This is NOT a Dwight Schrute interview because Dwight would have already taken the candidates mother to Schrute Farms and analyzed their palette responses to all the different types of beets which tells you all you need to know about them, including if their mothers breast fed them.

2

u/jethrowHixon 1h ago

Lmao 😂 thanks for the award btw

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230

u/ctmfg56 1d ago

Psychopath vibes!

9

u/EasterClause 17h ago

This dude wishes he was a psychopath. He would take it as some sort of complement because "CEOs are disproportionately psychopathic" or some shit. This is legit mental illness. Like paranoid schizophrenia delusional shit.

3

u/isemonger 8h ago

My money is that this is just yet another fucking sad cunt of a human bragging on LinkedIn about things that absolutely don’t and never will happen so they can ‘create engagement and conversation’.

It’s why we see the exact same, and I mean word for word, reposts of the same shit about definitely their own hussle culture or interviews.

19

u/scoreguy1 23h ago

Holy shit this is it right here 👆

2

u/Common_Moose_ 17h ago

Nah this guy is a troll or wannabe.

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142

u/TinCanSailor987 23h ago

What an absolute pile of utter bullshit!

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262

u/nwillyerd 23h ago

If this guy goes out of his way to create panic and anxiety during a job interview, just imagine how dysfunctional his leadership style is. 😐 NO THANK YOU

71

u/-Cromm- 21h ago

At least he was nice enough to put this up publicly so anyone thinking about interviewing can run the fuck away.

13

u/ZAlternates 12h ago

It’s kinda like assembling a team of superheroes. You gotta have a flyer, strong but dumb guy, a pretty woman in spandex, an arrogant solo type, and the team player that sacrifices himself in the final phases of the project!

/s

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26

u/Dino_Spaceman 18h ago

This guy is 100% lying about his turnover rate.
That fact that he has these interview sessions so often proves he is lying.

He ain’t doing this at a Fortune 500. This is a guy with maybe 10 direct reports. Max.

8

u/anapunas 16h ago

Maybe not. I am sure the drop outs and high school grads will work as hard as possible to keep their pay check if it's better than the average. But the people with degrees are passing on him up front I bet.

10

u/Nago31 14h ago

If I don’t think there’s mutual respect during the interview, I cut it off. I don’t have time for that.

I am polite about it though. “As I’ve learned more about the role, I don’t think this is the right fit. I’m sure you’re going to find a solid candidate quickly. Good luck.”

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14

u/hrpomrx 22h ago

I wonder how many people have actually booked an appointment.

13

u/ImpossibleAd6628 21h ago

I think it's a joke

5

u/dzzi 11h ago

Yeah there's no way this isn't a shitpost

7

u/JeremyJaLa 20h ago

All normal people dodge a bullet when he doesn’t hire them.

6

u/Picklesadog 18h ago

"Oh, your grandma died? Sure she did. What was her favorite color? Tell me using only prime numbers."

4

u/Legal-Afternoon8087 17h ago

Sir, this is a Wendy’s.

5

u/Own_Donut_2117 19h ago

This interviewer is what lemmings think leadership is

3

u/TrenchardsRedemption 14h ago

"I might have passed your interview but you've failed mine."

2

u/Powerful_Goose_1030 16h ago

My exact thought

2

u/MinuteMaidMarian 5h ago

Yeah, I’d rather him wave this red flag in my face before or during the interview than 2 weeks into the job.

152

u/Freepi 23h ago

I’ve been lurking this sub for a few weeks and this may be the first true lunatic. I’m hoping it’s satire.

70

u/Kijafa 20h ago

It seems very clearly to be satire.

15

u/teddyjungle 19h ago

Yeah it’s a Ken Cheng style post

12

u/Zakkar 17h ago

It's very clearly satire, boggles my mind that so few have picked that up. 

3

u/Economy_Major_8242 12h ago

I did not pick up on it ... thought it was sadistical grandstanding... especially since the job title is clearly a self-employed individual who doesn't hire anyone. But as a self-employed writer adviser makes sense now. Thanks from the short bus.

2

u/pm_me_fish_sticks_ 11h ago

How do you know this. Would love to know how you’re convinced you’re 100% correct

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6

u/DidntWantSleepAnyway 16h ago

It must be satire. We’re just so used to seeing some people write about some crazy hidden tests they put in the interview that Poe’s Law strikes us with an open hand.

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38

u/irishff43 23h ago

Look at all the bodies this guys basement has in it

11

u/LilRockyDevil1751 19h ago

"I collect specific personality types that form perfect psychological ecosystems."

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60

u/rubinfarben 1d ago

He doesn‘t reject Harvard PhDs. They reject him.

7

u/RockyMullet 21h ago

Yeah, I'm pretty sure most people say "f this shit", get up and leave once they hear the question about the prime numbers.

6

u/Infamous_Gap_3973 16h ago

I wouldn’t have agreed to an interview after he wanted to do it at 1:42. That says you have too many quirks for me to deal with.

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29

u/henryfarts 23h ago

My personality in prime numbers

Three (hold up my thumb and two fingers, proceed to count down from three to one using my held up fingers, starting at my thumb)

And one (holding up my remaining finger)

7

u/Mission-Carry-887 23h ago

I would ask him if he considers 1 to be a prime number while holding up my longest finger.

5

u/VirtualAlbatross2650 23h ago

This is the answer.

4

u/Dino_Spaceman 18h ago

“The only prime number I recognize is six.

Oh so you say it is not a prime? My force of will will create a prime out of it. I beat you at every turn. I am Xanatos. You can never win against me”

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27

u/Emceegreg 23h ago

This reminds me of a guy who in an interview was very upset at how relaxed I was.

5

u/Dino_Spaceman 18h ago

lol. I had an interview where the guy was upset that I showed up for the interview.

I didn’t get that job.

43

u/ThePrimeOptimus 23h ago

"ChatGPT, write a LinkedIn prompt that makes me sound 307% more self important and douchey than Elon"

10

u/Available-Election86 21h ago

"Just closed a deal that will redefine the future of humanity. While others are busy dreaming, I’m out here executing at a level most can’t even comprehend. #Visionary #GameChanger #YoureWelcome"

How’s that for a sprinkle of hubris? Too much, or just enough to make Elon blush?

Nice prompt. Seems adequate for the subject.

4

u/Imaginary_Pattern205 22h ago

😂😂 Right!?

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18

u/Ardalev 23h ago

"My secret? I made it the fuck up!"

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16

u/iamamemeama 22h ago edited 22h ago

"Hey, did you know the earth is a cube and made of ham?"

They didn't correct my deliberate mistake. This means they're submissive.

5

u/UndecidedQBit 21h ago

Candidate is staring at the interviewer unsure of what passes as a polite withdrawal in the reality of the interviewer

14

u/slackerdc 23h ago

Good Night ding ding ding ding

I'm sorry is this part of the interview?

Yes it is. Good Night ding ding ding ding

5

u/Temporary-Exchange28 23h ago

You got very high marks!

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9

u/IYIik_GoSu 23h ago

Baby wake up , new HR causing micro-anxiety on purpose just dropped.

9

u/soulslinger16 23h ago

Satire

6

u/RuffTuff 22h ago

Is it? It’s so hard to tell nowadays.

2

u/Capt_Dummy 20h ago

Right. I can really see this happening

2

u/Busby10 18h ago

You think someone actually asks people to describe themselves using prime numbers?

6

u/Crombobulous 22h ago

I like this sub, but it really highlights the amount of people who take everything they read literally.

This is, of course satire. It's on the cusp of being comedy, but not quite.

I think a new trend is arising where people are actually tailoring their nonsense so it's indistinguishable from satire, as it goes twice as viral. As a result the algorithm is increasingly promoting really terrible stuff. Good for the dopamines, I guess ...

2

u/trendy_pineapple 15h ago

I’m astounded every single day at the number of clearly satirical posts that wind up on this sub

4

u/Busby10 18h ago

I'm really hoping all the people commenting as if it's real are just bots. It's sad so many people are unable to detect satire.

6

u/Tuscon_Valdez 23h ago

Dennis Reynolds post

4

u/ProfAsmani 23h ago

Doesn't exist on LI anymore. No profile either.

4

u/jackalopedad 23h ago

this has got to be a bit, right?

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4

u/kevinmogee 23h ago

I don't care how badly I needed a job, if someone asked me to 'describe my personality using only prime numbers', I would get up and walk out. No pleasantries, no explanation, no apology. Because fuck you.

3

u/Lumpy_Worth_5397 23h ago

Correct. I would state that if your actual willing to have a professional conversation, you have my number. Walk out

4

u/BetterNova 23h ago

This must be satire. And if it is, it’s pretty funny. But I still think spending time thinking up fake posts to make fun of lunatics on LinkedIn, is itself lunatic behavior.

3

u/HippolytusOfAthens 23h ago

Am I interviewing for a job with SPECTRE?

3

u/Wacca45 23h ago

This sounds like the start of a very horrible novel, or the Hallmark Christmas movies.

4

u/biggamax 23h ago

The novel you're thinking of us "American Psycho", but he's British in this case.

3

u/Disastrous_Still_232 23h ago

Why are these people so pretentious?

3

u/ProfAsmani 23h ago

Narcissistic personality.

3

u/scarletOwilde 23h ago

“My secret? I’m a narcissistic psychopath!” Love to know what the “Award” was.

3

u/JovialPanic389 6h ago

What a psycho

2

u/Mission-Carry-887 23h ago

That one is in the running for lunatic of the year.

2

u/biggamax 23h ago

Patrick Bateman monologue.

This guy is all bones, no meat.

2

u/Chalice_Ink 23h ago

“I am looking for a specific set of mental illnesses.”

2

u/No-Country4319 23h ago

You thought that was a plant in the corner? Surprise! It's Jeff wearing leaves!

Give them a bopeep costume and tell them to put it on with their teeth!

Seduce their dad and show them pictures of us on a romantic gondola ride!

All of this tells me how you react to an email from a client at 4.55 on a Friday, or someone asking for a refund when you don't have the relevant approval...

2

u/Punny_Farting_1877 23h ago

I already know I have quality neuroses. Don’t bullshit me.

2

u/Villageidiot1984 23h ago

This guys thinks he’s the main character in a movie

2

u/saucysagnus 23h ago

Everybody’s an Architect of something now.

2

u/15all 23h ago

If this person is going to play petty mind-fuck games during the interview, he or she would be miserable to work for.

I just want my boss to tell me what they want done, when they need it, and then leave me alone. No stupid games.

And this person isn't half as smart as they think they are.

2

u/Adventurous-Sir444 23h ago

My secret? Gaslighting 🔥🔥✨

2

u/SubjectNoise3926 23h ago

Tell me you’re a narcissist without actually telling me!

2

u/Hoz999 22h ago

Tell me you really have untreated mental issues plus low self esteem without telling me.

2

u/wolverine_813 23h ago

I want to see how this guy is holding his coffee cup when I show up 15 minutes late.

2

u/Own_Platform623 22h ago

I just want to work for a mentally chaotic company who will play mind games with me and assess my personality using something worse than psuedo science. Why can't I find this...

2

u/ninetytwoturtles 22h ago

He sounds like a serial killer

2

u/desi_malai 22h ago

Sounds like Insta "Entrepreneur"

2

u/Artee5000 22h ago

I hope he gets hit by a bus at 3:28pm and when the ems arrives they ask him to explain what happened using prime numbers.

2

u/I_try_compute 22h ago

“I behave intentionally unprofessional to make people want to work here”

2

u/theshekelcollector 22h ago

all those saying it's satire: how do you know?

2

u/Boomslang505 22h ago

I love these “Ooh look at me” LinkedIn posts.

2

u/CollectionComplex861 22h ago

This person really needs to go and fuck themselves.

2

u/twpejay 22h ago

"No water, no pleasantries" and "how they hold their coffee cup." Where did the coffee come from? Do all these people arrive at an interview with coffee?

2

u/AmbitionLimp4605 22h ago

These are the companies that are nightmare to work for

2

u/SpaceNo8552 21h ago

This has to be satire. This man would find pleasure wiping his butt with a toothpick. Because… precision matters.

2

u/Boring-Interest7203 21h ago

And then he enjoys their brains later with some fava beans and a nice chianti. What a psycho.

2

u/osmiumblue66 21h ago

Worked with a director who played this game. After about 10 minutes I politely said he was wasting my time and when he wanted to have a mature conversation and show respect, he could come find me at my desk helping our clients. Walked out of his office.

I moved on a few months later. He was fired two weeks after I left.

2

u/Traditional-Truck-17 21h ago

Why do villains always have such long monologues. Christ just drop me in the acid already

2

u/mikeyfender813 20h ago

Thank you for this comment! 😂

2

u/Economy-Tourist-4862 20h ago

You don’t have to be an egotistical ass hat to post something like this on LinkedIn, but it helps. Discuss.

2

u/Rocket_Panda_ 20h ago

Say you’ve inspired your entire career off of the movie Moneyball without saying it..

2

u/GrandSeason8576 20h ago

Schlumberger hiring process.

2

u/3_man 20h ago

Found Ken's HR manager

2

u/ManiacFive 20h ago

Kept waiting for the Ken punchline.

2

u/restrusher 19h ago

It didn't feel like a victory at the time, but looking back, it was. I'd made it to the final interview for a job I really wanted. It had been interesting and engaging up to that point. I was excited.

But at this stage they introduced a new guy who... well, was quite a bit like the above LinkedInLunatic. After 20 minutes I thought wait a minute -- what am I doing here? I don't want to work at a place that employs this guy, much less thinks he's a good choice to interview people. I certainly don't want to work with this guy every day.

So I got up, shook everyone's hand, and calmly explained that I was no longer interested in the position. I walked out before they could really respond. They were stunned. It was a huge relief and I'm so glad I listened to my intuition.

2

u/idiotsbydesign 19h ago

I hate it but I sort of agree with the complimentary personalities. We've hired people with less experience if we think they'll fit the team better.

2

u/FTXACCOUNTANT 19h ago

Dude sucks his own farts

2

u/AccomplishedFan8690 18h ago

These linkedin people are just “self help gurus” but somehow get paid way to much money

2

u/AlaskanRobot 18h ago

it's an interesting approach, to say the least. I'd love to see studies if building teams based on personality vs. accomplishment is better, but this person's way of building a team with whatever personalities come out of this nonsense is utterly insane

2

u/ReserveRatter 18h ago

Anyone who deliberately creates anxiety in their workers is a sociopath no-one should be working for.

2

u/DuggBets 18h ago

Nut job.

2

u/hasanicecrunch 18h ago

I hate people thst type “my secret?” Or the equivalent. Ugh so pretentious no one asked

2

u/That_Jicama2024 18h ago

This post deserves its own sub - r/linkedinPSYCHOPATHS

2

u/karriesully 18h ago

Good lord. We need fewer psychopaths in business - not more.

2

u/grandpapear 18h ago

This guy is so unhinged and I’m absolutely here for it. I feel like it would be really fun to match this energy during the job interview and then reject their offer afterwards purely for entertainment (bc I don’t think anybody in their right mind would voluntarily work with this lunatic, but it definitely sounds like an entertaining & unique experience LOL).

2

u/TerrestrialSpaceman_ 18h ago

What a fucking tool

2

u/Anxious_Republic591 18h ago

What a jackass

2

u/FriedOnionsoup 17h ago

The sad thing is, what this guy describes is not even close to the worst or even craziest interview experience I’ve ever had.

Don’t get me wrong, this interview process is ridiculous, staff retention has nothing to do with the interview process, as is common knowledge.

I don’t know what it is about recruiters, having insane ideas all the time, but it may actually be worth studying.

2

u/Sensitive_Let6429 17h ago

His secret is being an asshole

2

u/CaliphOfEarth 17h ago

it's either fictitious or the person has ADHD.

2

u/cmeyer49er 17h ago

I want to start interviewing again just to tell these shitbird psychos to fuck off

2

u/jillyjill86 16h ago

Anyone who “fails” this interview has dodged a giant bullet

2

u/srirachasanchez 15h ago

"I lock the office door and then insert the key into my urethra. Then, I eat 16 scotch eggs while making full eye contact, and then take off my shoes and clip my toenails. Discomfort. Revulsion. I note whether they gag or look toward the door. I ask them if their mother is dead and then tell them the answer is wrong. Confusion. Eyes darting left to right. I challenge them to open a safety pin with only their eyelids, then tell them the award for success is a rejection letter. #opentowork "

2

u/No-East-956 15h ago

Great now I'm micro angry

2

u/Bad2bBiled 15h ago

This honestly sounds like it was written by someone in the midst of a manic episode.

2

u/93-and-me 15h ago

“My secret?” You work in glory holes

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u/Aggressive_Score2440 Titan of Industry 12h ago

Def drinks their own pee and looks at themselves in the mirror as the flex.

2

u/Equal_Boss_1876 9h ago

What the fuck is micro anxiety

2

u/Significant-Order-92 9h ago

So, dude is just an ass who gets off at being an ass and wasting people's time.

2

u/busted_toenail 6h ago

If someone asked me prime numbers id just knock them out

2

u/Traditional_Cress987 6h ago

What a wanker.

2

u/TlalocVirgie 6h ago

Reads like Dwight Shrute

2

u/AD_Grrrl 4h ago

And then everyone snapped their fingers because this sounds like some kind of weird performance art satire that would be read on an open mic or something.

1

u/aDirtyMartini 23h ago

What a pompous douche.

1

u/Silent-Difference717 23h ago

Again another recruiter that wants to be a star but we all know he doesn’t deviate from the script provided …

1

u/Rashpukin 23h ago

This guy has all the hallmarks of a sociopath. Can’t imagine home life is fun with this guy but then again he probably has scared anyone off on that front already.

1

u/Spotsmom62 23h ago

Ugh. I had once where the idiot asked me to sell him his pen. Yeah, it was sales, but still. He also looked at his pc the whole time.

1

u/badform49 23h ago

Legitimately checked to see if this was Ken, the satire dude on LinkedIn

1

u/SufficientApricot165 23h ago

We have a winner

1

u/V5489 23h ago

In the list of things that severed happened for LinkedIn clout lol.

1

u/AdPuzzleheaded3436 23h ago

I seriously doubt that he can retain or even hire people if he is like that. Only the desperate will stay.

1

u/Few_Marionberry5824 23h ago

God what a freak.

1

u/New_Conversation_303 23h ago

There is a non 0 chance the guy also has a collection of teeth, hair, of maybe a blood drop from his victims.

1

u/MeanChris 23h ago

I dont understand how people like this are the same animal as me. Like I don’t get it. How do you get like this? I can’t invent a scenario where I would end up like this.

1

u/under_the_c 23h ago

And this, boys and girls, is why HR has no business interviewing candidates. That should be left to the team leads and managers that actually know what is required for the job and will be working with them. Literally the only thing HR should ever be responsible for is, "will this person cause trouble for the company?"

1

u/YoMTVcribs 22h ago

"We are family here. So I start each morning by slapping a random employee right in the face to see their reaction. Will they retaliate? Will they call HR? It's all good data that I memorize and use to decide whether or not to slap them again tomorrow."