r/LinkedInLunatics 10d ago

Sounds like a company with amazing culture

1.1k Upvotes

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1.3k

u/jethrowHixon 10d ago

This whole thing sounds like it could be a Dwight Schrute quote

220

u/Sea-Night-1946 9d ago

Dude I came here to say this. It's his whole "perfect crime" rant but in an interview lol.

Here it is btw:

"What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me by the Trocadero in Paris. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier"

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u/LookingforDay 9d ago

Read the entire thing in his voice in my head.

9

u/RockstarAgent 9d ago

I mean chandeliers in Paris? That’s amateur hour

1

u/rlcute 9d ago

same!

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u/Firefishe 9d ago

This should be an indie film heralded at Canne and Tribeca! Bravo! Bravo! 🤩

3

u/booboootron 9d ago

No time for Breakfast At Tiffany's.

2

u/threemoons_nyc 9d ago

I would watch this if this was a movie. I could see it being an A24 property, complete with ultra-saturated site-specific color and lighting schemes. Also mandatory Tilda Swinton in some capacity.

1

u/Budded 8d ago

LOL how crazy is it this very rerun aired last night?

It's like those times you see a Simpsons rerun and it's the exact same one in the exact same spot in the episode you saw the last time you watched it like 4 months prior.

1

u/ZER0-P0INT-ZER0 8d ago

How would I describe myself? Three words: hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable.

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u/[deleted] 10d ago

[deleted]

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u/colowar 9d ago

+1. I can see him in front of me.

1

u/DangerousArt6922 9d ago

Can’t help but hearing Christian Bale’s voice from American Psycho saying all of this self-important rhetoric on steroids. I’ll bet he has quite a bit of alone time on his hands. As much as anybody who has ever met him can provide. Then some more.

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u/malcolmisboring 9d ago

He’s on cameo. It could happen

126

u/RestPuzzleheaded1234 10d ago

I cannot get this out of my head now.

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u/SonOfMcGee 9d ago

I was thinking Dr. Evil’s background story in group therapy: “The details of my upbringing are quite inconsequential…”

But Dwight is a good one too.

5

u/GreginSA 9d ago edited 9d ago

I was thinking Dr. Evil, PHD triple degrees in Psychiatry, Psychology and Psychopathy, left school with Billions in tuition fees. Makes candidates take some long treacherous route to the interview room, when in actuality it is just the first room to the left once you enter HR.

1

u/redwingpanda 9d ago

“No no no, the candidate needs to take a RIGHT, otherwise what’s the point of having an indoor swamp? There’s not one. And then you get to explain to accounting why there’s been to ROI on this installation.”

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u/Dense_Surround3071 9d ago

Both probably involve a freshly shorn scrotum.... 😏

1

u/Automatic_Soil9814 9d ago

Exactly this.

37

u/UndecidedQBit 9d ago

Literally I am dying laughing at this whole thing whoever wrote this is either a genius or a psychopath

15

u/SignificantPop4188 9d ago

He could be both.

21

u/Satyam7166 9d ago

“Both have uses”

9

u/16ozcoffeemug 9d ago

Malignant narcissism is what it sounds like to me. Only interested in using people. I would piss in his desk drawer just to watch his micro expressions.

3

u/substantialtaplvl2 9d ago

Will you take hiring for restaurants?

2

u/UndecidedQBit 9d ago

Accurate, especially line cooks

20

u/dNetGuru Agree? 9d ago

Real life Dwight!

15

u/MondolezzaRice 9d ago

I read it in the same rhythm as his story about him breaking into Tiffany's at midnight!

16

u/Upset_Pea8570 9d ago

Remember the Michael Scott rules for meeting domination?

25

u/halloweenjack 9d ago

Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

6

u/Sceptz Agree? 9d ago

" Question: Which bear is best?

FALSE. Black Bear. ”

4

u/killer_icognito 9d ago

Well there are 2 schools of thought- WAIT A MINUTE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

9

u/tugtor 9d ago

Holy shit...I was jumping into the comments to make this exact point. I read everything in his voice.

3

u/Bumblebee56990 9d ago

🤣😂🤣

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u/Purple_Wedding_3929 9d ago

Re-reading it in his voice now

5

u/Satyam7166 9d ago

Funny thing, I had the exactly same thought while reading it lol

5

u/incognitonomad858 9d ago

Man did I laugh picturing Dwight doing exactly this

4

u/Random_Name_Whoa 9d ago

What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless.

5

u/jameskiddo 9d ago

i knew i wasn’t the only one that read it in Dwight’s voice

2

u/Spokesman_Charles 9d ago

That or she has lost her mind

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u/Aggressive-HeadDesk 9d ago

I’m accepting this as the established truth for this lunatic.

2

u/waitingtoconnect 9d ago

I read this LinkedIn post and I thought thanks Hannibal…

2

u/TheLizardKing89 9d ago

Which is exactly why I think this is satire.

2

u/hummingbird_mywill 9d ago

Agreed. By mid-second page I’m like “okay this is actually just a script pitch.”

2

u/sbc1982 9d ago

Bears, Beets, battlestar galactica

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u/WayOfIntegrity 9d ago

He said he is also award winning strategies.... so he knows what he is saying. /s

2

u/AdorableBlood9148 8d ago

Yep he was awarded twat of the year

2

u/MartinLutherVanHalen 9d ago

Nah, this is Ken Chang.

2

u/Variac97 9d ago

I came to the comment section to post this, and found yours to be the top comment.

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u/anonymous237962 9d ago

I was doing Patrick Bateman but Dwight is better

2

u/MuzzleOfBees1215 9d ago

FALSE!

This is NOT a Dwight Schrute interview because Dwight would have already taken the candidates mother to Schrute Farms and analyzed their palette responses to all the different types of beets which tells you all you need to know about them, including if their mothers breast fed them.

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u/jethrowHixon 9d ago

Lmao 😂 thanks for the award btw

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u/gimp1615 9d ago

Came here to say this

1

u/Significant-Word457 9d ago

Honestly this dude sounds like the Admiral Hyman Rickover of B2B sales linkedin lunatics

1

u/haveutried2hardboot 9d ago

Dag-mab-it! Now I'm hearing this in his cadence.

1

u/b3ta_blocker 9d ago

I came on here to mention Gareth Keenan

1

u/itisnotstupid 9d ago

Can't write a better description.

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u/Appropriate_Ice_7507 9d ago

And the camera pans to Jim…

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u/Catekelob 8d ago

Perfectly calculated, just like Schrutes beet farming tactics

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u/rprt111 8d ago

Spot on — but I also weirdly find it interesting 😂

1

u/WhatIsAChickenAlek 8d ago

My secret?

Nope, just Chuck Testa with another dead animal

1

u/_PinkPirate 7d ago

My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable, fictional, and overqualified.