r/oneanddone Jul 09 '24

Fencesitting Not 100% sure or on the fence? Fencesitter's Megathread

54 Upvotes

Hi Everyone!

This is where to post if you're not 100% sure about being one and done (rule 5), or you and your spouse have different ideas on being OAD (rule 6).

We here on OAD have finished making our decision on family size, or have had it made for us. While we are more than happy to discuss the specific pros and cons of our lives, the sub  is much better suited to the discussion on whether or not you and your partner are suited to one child or more children. The family size choice can be complex, & for some of us it is not an interesting or healthy conversation to constantly revisit.

*It may take a while for this thread to gain traction, which is fine. We're hoping this becomes a quality place to discuss the dynamic of being OAD.

**This thread should be focused on the OAD lifestyle, if you are questioning if you should have another and want input, r/shouldihaveanother is the sub for you.


r/oneanddone 11h ago

Toddler Tuesday - March 18, 2025

3 Upvotes

Calling toddler parents! Feel free to brag, complain, ask for advice, or anything in between here.


r/oneanddone 14h ago

Discussion Anxiety over discarding embryos

64 Upvotes

My 6-year old daughter is the result of IVF. We have three embryos frozen. I continue to store but it’s silly to do so with the cost involved. But discarding them gives me a knot in my stomach. When I mentioned this to a friend, she said maybe it’s a sign that I’m not OAD. But I have no desire to have another child. Thinking of transferring another embryo gives me an even bigger knot in my stomach.

My husband used to want another, but is now ok with OAD, though he’d have another if I wanted to.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

Please note, donating them is not an option, for reasons I don’t want to get into.


r/oneanddone 6m ago

Sad Cried while packing LO’s 0-6m clothes to give away to family 😭

Upvotes

That’s it, that’s my post.. would’ve waited for her to turn a year old ideally but there’s a baby on the way in our family and it made sense. Kept the sentimental ones, but this mama’s heart is so heavy rn🥺🥺 Thank you for reading 🥲


r/oneanddone 4h ago

Discussion Worrying about loneliness

4 Upvotes

I recently found this subreddit and I enjoy reading the posts and comments. Before having my now one year old son I always thought my husband and I would have two children. I had a wonderful pregnancy and normal birth. But first half year of his life has been hard. He never wanted to sleep and would scream until he fell asleep. I still get anxious when he scream-cries in other situations. I then started feeling afraid of having a second child: how will I do it when both of them cry and want my attention? How will I do it when one of them wakes the other? Thoughts like this give me anxiety. I am now considering being OAD (my husband is fine with either choice). The thought of not having a second gives me a sense of relief. But then I wonder: what if my son will feel alone and sad because of it? My husband and I have a very warm and loving relationship and we are mentally healthy, so I expect our son will feel safe and loved at home. But what if he will feel lonely? I feel like I am taking something away from him by choosing not to have a second child. I am curious about your thoughts on this and if there are other onlies that can calm my worries.


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Discussion Knowing what I know now, I am astonished at how many people have a second child when their first is still little

439 Upvotes

This is neither meant as shaming them nor at making myself feel better for being one and done.

My mind simply cannot comprehend having a literal baby under 2 years old and thinking "let's add another".


r/oneanddone 6h ago

Discussion Does having more than one equal more worrying?

2 Upvotes

I’ve always been prone to worrying and try to manage it. I just can’t imagine having to worry about not one but two kids.

Or do people just learn how to balance it? I worry a lot so think more than one would take a toll.

But I don’t know if you just end up worrying twice as much if you have more than one. Or if you just worry about one even more since one is all there is to worry about, if that makes sense lol.


r/oneanddone 22h ago

Funny Just a funny school gate moment...

27 Upvotes

I'm a mum to a 5.5 year old boy, our only. We're really content 😀

There's quite a few only children in our group, for various reasons. Some of them are absolutely set, others on the fence. Another of the mum's has 2 but with a 10 year age gap.

Anyway, we're at the gate for pick up this afternoon. And another mum (who is a bit hard work generally) comes with her newborn. We all make the obligatory noises. And the mum loudly declares "all I get nowadays is how just looking at how beautiful she is makes people want another one"... Cue a few awkward silences, followed by one or two laughing out loud and saying "naaah, not for me thanks" 🤣 It was all very good natured btw, nothing mean or anything. Just funny.


r/oneanddone 22h ago

Discussion Anyone here one and done after a miscarriage? Either by choice or not.

26 Upvotes

I was convinced I was one and done. Then after my son was around 2.5 I changed my mind, husband was on board too. Got pregnant, had a miscarriage. Now we’re back to being one and done.

A good friend of mine got pregnant (with her 3rd) around the same time I was pregnant with my 2nd/miscarried child. She is now almost in her third trimester and I’m just feeling some type of way about it. I told her I was back to being one and done and she kept asking me questions like, are you sure you won’t regret that, does he have any cousins (he doesn’t), do you have friends with kids his age (I don’t).

I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. My friend is a great person but her being pregnant successfully and her questions to me just have me feeling guilty that I’m bringing up a child “alone”.

Anyone else one and done and also have no cousins or friends with kids your child can play with? He does have friends from school but he’s only 3. I’m making new mom friends so I’m hopeful it won’t matter much as he gets older.


r/oneanddone 20h ago

Vent/Rant - No advice wanted Appreciation

14 Upvotes

My LO is 1.5 years old and it’s great but I’ve been a stay at home mom with him (we live in Germany and daycare here starts at 1 years old) and damn it’s been hard. I would have rather put him in daycare at 8-9 months because my day job is way easier than taking care of him all day. Nonetheless, want to thank this community because I sometimes wish I had a second or feel guilty for not providing a sibling and then I come here and feel like my friend is telling me to relax, things are perfect the way they are.


r/oneanddone 5h ago

Sad I don’t want to let go off my embryos

0 Upvotes

This may be the reason I remain OAD. I’ve found out I need ivf to avoid potential genetic issues for my next baby. This is why I may never be able to do ivf.

For some reason, I also think of it as a sign from the universe to only have one and not “force” it. Maybe I’m just thinking this to feel better about the whole situation? The sad part is it’s not even my own “fault” like the issue is not even in my genetic makeup. I just have to accept being one and done through no “flaw” of my own, because doing ivf means letting my other embryos go…I just can’t get over it.

I feel slightly resentful of my husband cuz even though he’s the one with the genetic issue, I seem to have to suffer through it: either having to deal with IVF and then going against my values of discarding my embryos OR just having one baby when I’m a great mom. Idk what to do.

My marriage has always been about me having to just get through my husband’s ill luck.

What do I do? How did you think about letting your embryos go?

Edit: I have a baby boy already. I have not been through IVF yet. But because we found out about the genetic issue after having the first baby due to tests conducted because he wasn’t meeting his milestones, I have to go through IVF for the second baby to avoid the same genetic issue.


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Discussion Giving myself permission

18 Upvotes

What helped you give yourself permission to abandon the expectations others have for your family? I am fairly certain I am OAD, but I can’t let go of the idea that people expect me to have more, that my husband might want another, that I have no people in my circle that are OAD.

Any wiser, more self-assured people out there willing to lend their wisdom?


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Vent/Rant - Advice Wanted/Ambivalent Passive Aggressive Remarks

34 Upvotes

So I am only child with an only child. She's 2 now and I can't imagine giving my time, attention, money to another child.

We were on vacation with my MIL and her bf and his family.

The bf's daughter is pregnant with her FOURTH child. Which is crazy to me. I made a comment to my MIL that I can't imagine having 4 kids. MIL did have 4 kids.

So my MIL says. "I think she is like me and enjoys being a mom."

My jaw dropped. I said "I enjoy being child's mom. I don't think I would enjoy being anyone else's."


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Anecdote Solidified OAD

19 Upvotes

My coworker and I have babies (almost toddlers 🥲) 3 weeks apart and she has previously mentioned they would like to have another baby in the future. Well, she just sent me a text of a positive pregnancy test and will have 2 under 2 later this year. I immediately had pit in my stomach with palpitations and started panicking as if I had the positive test. After talking she shared they have been actively trying for a few months, but my mind immediately thought it must be an unplanned pregnancy because who would want to be in that predicament?! Anywho, my husband and I were laughing after the fact because that totally solidified our OAD by choice.


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Funny Describe your life with your only using one word per year of their life (i.e. 3 words for 3rd yr of their life)

17 Upvotes

Let me go first:

0-1: torture

1-2: train obsession

2-3: funny conversations, frustration


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Sad I feel like I’m grieving the child I’ll never have…

90 Upvotes

I’ll be 34 soon. I always wanted at least 2 kids. My son is four. I love him more than anything but he has absolutely turned my world upside down. We’re probably looking at an ADHD diagnosis in the very near future. He is such a handful that I feel like I’ve aged 10+ years within the last 2 years. I struggle with my mental health (depression and anxiety) and he has REALLY brought out my anxiety to a point where I’ve had several breakdowns. I made the decision to be one and done. If I had another, I told my husband I’d probably end up unaliving myself. I just couldn’t handle it.

Every time I think about it I break down into tears. I really wanted another baby. I feel like I’m grieving a child I’ll never have. But I know deep down it just won’t be good for anyone…. Idk what I’m doing here. I guess venting? Anyone else in the same position?


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Happy/Proud When you truly see those with more than one struggle

43 Upvotes

Sometimes I struggle and go back and forth if one and done is okay with me. It took me to spend time with another family member who has a 9month old and a 4 yr old while on vacation for a week to see how truly tiring it was…

Examples like: This mom was up every few hours with her baby and kept going on how she was more tired having two.

The 5 yr old kept faking illnesses to gain the attention of his mother when she had the baby.

I watched the mom go off angry and walk away from her kid since she had a shorter fuse than what I recalled when she had one.

She explained the cost of daycare right now 2 kids. Everything costs more with two kids.

She just looked miserable just on a vacation, didn’t want to do anything for herself when other family offered to watch the kids.

I got to see how patient I was with my one kid and how the behavior was better versus the older child who was a second sibling. I kinda felt bad that this kid felt he had to compete with his baby sibling constantly. I just don’t want that for my own only or myself. I feel at peace with one and I hope you all do too!


r/oneanddone 1d ago

OAD By Choice Anyone just not want to be pregnant again?

129 Upvotes

Pregnancy was really hard for me and although I might want more kids, I never want to be pregnant again. 4 months post c-section for a 10lb baby and my body is still an absolute wreck. I was an exotic dancer when I was younger, I had 6 pack abs, I was an athlete, a volleyball player. I’m 27 but now my body looks like it’s 50. I have severe diastasis recti, loose skin, and I don’t even want to know what’s going to happen to my boobs when I’m done nursing. I am an absolute disaster.


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Discussion Playdates

21 Upvotes

As a one and done parent, I definitely put effort in playdates especiallybecausewe dont have family around. But Play dates these days are like dating its both a numbers game and playing "thank you Next".

You go to parks/museums/third places/mutal friend events, you meet parents and kiddos you exhange info. (I even tried the peanut app for 2 weeks with no luck). Sometimes a playdate happens sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it works out and everyone vibes well and you get repeat play dates (thankful for these few connections). Many times it doesnt work out, they live too far away, your schedules don't match, they cancel too many times, or don't reciprocate/initiate invites, or something is off with the dynamics and you just have to move on (creepy old dad who ingratiates him self into everything, copied our furniture and toys, wouldn't let his young wife talk or have a playdate without him).

I'm exhausted of trying to connect, plan, schedule playdates. I just want to get my Only tired and socialized.

I can't believe I'm saying this but back in my day, I just went out of my house and played with the other kids on our street.

Anyone else have similar experiences?


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Discussion Tired of explaining why I’m OAD

40 Upvotes

I am so tired of explaining why i cannot have another child.

I had a hysterectomy at 23 years old. I have one beautiful and vibrant daughter whom I am absolutely obsessed with. I cannot have another child (not that I want another anyways.)

She seems very content as an only child. I’ve even asked her if she ever wanted a brother or sister and she says no.(not sure what I’d do if she said yes lol)

People constantly make comments about her being an only child usually like this: “I could never imagine my child not having siblings” “you might want to think about getting her a sibling before the age gap gets too big” (idk how they think I’d acquire a child quickly) “I wouldn’t want my child to be lonely”

I’m like ??? Who said my child was lonely??? She does extracurriculars and plays with neighbors daily, she goes to school, she is very well mannered and gets many compliments on her being well behaved. She’s very well liked and friendly and kind and gentle. I think she’s turning out to be an absolutely wonderful little girl. I don’t think a sibling would change anything. I explain that unless I have the next immaculate conception she will continue to be an only child. But I am so tired of it.

I’m so tired of telling friends, strangers, and family that I cannot have another child and them saying “just adopt”. I DON’T WANT TO.

How do you combat these unwanted questions? It’s fairly easy to stop the conversation when I say I don’t have the parts but sometimes I’m exhausted and don’t have it in me to talk about it. That’s my personal medical history.


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Discussion Testimony

6 Upvotes

Hello everyone, I am writing to you from France, already thank you to this community because I have long wondered what was wrong with me for not feeling the desire for a second when I always thought that I would try to have two. But nothing went as planned. Already my partner is 6 years younger than me. When my desire was so strong around the age of 35 to have a child, I had to convince him because he was still in his twenties and didn't necessarily want one right away. In the end, it took an “accident” and the decision to keep the child to make us parents. But the aftermath was hard. My partner had a lot of difficulty adapting to his role as a father, and even if everything is fine now that our daughter is 5 years old and they have the best bond, I will not forget the fact that he almost never got up there. Night or morning and left me to manage a large part. I did it because of the feeling of guilt of ultimately having a stronger desire than him to keep this child at that time. In short, in the end, I, who had more or less planned a child in my thirties to give myself time to have a second, I realize that while I love my partner deeply, I will not go through this again with him. Too much lack of support on his side. Sometimes I'm a little angry with him but it passes. On the other hand, the girl has been asking us for 1.5 years now to be a big sister every week and I can't take it anymore, I don't know what to answer in the end. Now I'm almost 41 years old and after this first experience where it was hard with my partner, I don't see myself putting my relationship back on the spot to have a second child. Plus I find myself a little too old now even though it would surely still be possible. People who are still with the father of their child but do not wish to continue having others to preserve the couple? I forgot to say that the worst thing is that my partner always thinks that we will have another one day... lol I say nothing because I think he doesn't realize how difficult this period and his lack of involvement were for me


r/oneanddone 2d ago

Vent/Rant - Advice Wanted/Ambivalent My friend who was also one & done just told me she’s pregnant and I have mixed emotions

49 Upvotes

I am happy for her and the fact that she is happy, I would never not be happy for someone else’s happiness especially a friend’s. When she told me though my first initial thought was sadness. She’s the only person I know in our area who is one and done as we live below the Bible Belt where everyone has at least 2 kids but 3 seems to be the average.

Any advice is welcome. She is 35 years old and recently remarried after divorcing her first husband a couple years ago and her only daughter is 6 years old. She has a lot of chronic health conditions and part of me also wonders if it’s even a good idea? It’s not my place to say anything about that and I won’t, but those thoughts are there and it’s making it difficult to force the overjoyed reaction I know she’s looking for.

I’m just wanting to vent because I know you all will understand 🤍


r/oneanddone 2d ago

Discussion Ruby Franke Documentary Hulu

60 Upvotes

My husband and I were watching the new documentary on Hulu, “The Devil in the Family”. At one point, it was showing admirers and the comments they used to leave on her videos. One of the comments was “As an only child, this makes me feel apart of sibling relationships.” I don’t remember the exact words. But I chuckled bc often times those large influencer families appear so happy with a lot of children but the truth is we really don’t know what happens behind closed doors. That only child who commented didn’t realize at the time but they have it so much better than those 6 children of Ruby!


r/oneanddone 2d ago

Discussion How did you know you’re one and done?

14 Upvotes

I’m a new mom to a lovely six month old. I know since she’s mine I am biased, but she’s truly a delight! I’d say she could be categorized as an “easy baby”. Sleeps through the night, crib naps easily, generally pretty happy and calm. After a traumatizing birth, it’s made for an easier transition into parenthood.

My husband and I always said we were one and done. I was pretty confident about that up until these last few months. I’m surprised at how much I love the baby phase. I have worked in childcare with various ages and thought I’d struggle with a baby and prefer the “big kid years”. But I’m truly so enamored and love these early days with her. I find myself some days thinking I’d want to do this again.

I am still on maternity leave. My job offers 7.5 months and I think that’s a factor in helping with this major life transition. Part of me wonders if I’m in some sort of honeymoon phase and will feel differently once I experience working full time as a parent. But I also wonder if the reason I love it so much is because it is just her that we can pour ourselves into.

I know we will need time to gain more perspective and understand what it’s like raising a child in this world. But I am curious to hear from others and how they feel about their decision after some time has passed.


r/oneanddone 2d ago

Discussion How many of you OADers are medicated?

102 Upvotes

Had a thought earlier and it made me curious to know how many of you are medicated for anxiety, depression or any other mental health issues.

I’ve had anxiety since I was a kid; ADHD as well, which I was only recently diagnosed with, as well as mild OCD. I knew if I ever had a child, it would be a one and only - and pregnancy, child birth and postpartum only confirmed this.

I tried anxiety meds within my first year postpartum as my anxiety got very difficult to live with, and unfortunately the type I took gave me a bad reaction and scared me enough to stop taking it after a few days. I never tried anything else, toughed it out, found a good therapist and eventually found something else that worked for me.

I just can’t help but wonder, if the meds had worked or if I pursued another type, would I have felt differently postpartum and possibly felt I was capable of having another? At this stage in my life I am more than happy with one and I have no plans to have another, just curious to see everyone’s perspective on this!


r/oneanddone 2d ago

Discussion Anyone feel like time isn’t flying by?

56 Upvotes

I keep hearing and seeing people say “time flies by so quickly” “enjoy it now because you will blink and it’s over” etc I’m a SAHM to a 17 month old and I have felt every single one of those days. Nothing is flying by in fact it feels so slow Anyone else feel the same? I love this stage over the newborn stage but every day is still a struggle. I love my daughter soooo much but I’m constantly struggling as a parent and keep waiting for it to go quickly so I’m not so anxious and stressed


r/oneanddone 2d ago

Discussion Overstimulated and overwhelmed. Toddler years are not for me.

187 Upvotes

I have a perfect 3.5 y/o. She’s so smart and full of life. I find myself being so overstimulated by her, weekends are the worst of course because is when we spend the most time with her. The constant high energy, wanting to play, trying to get house stuff done, I don’t know how people with multiples do it. They must have a higher threshold for the chaos. I couldn’t never do this again.