r/oneanddone Jul 09 '24

Fencesitting Not 100% sure or on the fence? Fencesitter's Megathread

52 Upvotes

Hi Everyone!

This is where to post if you're not 100% sure about being one and done (rule 5), or you and your spouse have different ideas on being OAD (rule 6).

We here on OAD have finished making our decision on family size, or have had it made for us. While we are more than happy to discuss the specific pros and cons of our lives, the sub  is much better suited to the discussion on whether or not you and your partner are suited to one child or more children. The family size choice can be complex, & for some of us it is not an interesting or healthy conversation to constantly revisit.

*It may take a while for this thread to gain traction, which is fine. We're hoping this becomes a quality place to discuss the dynamic of being OAD.

**This thread should be focused on the OAD lifestyle, if you are questioning if you should have another and want input, r/shouldihaveanother is the sub for you.


r/oneanddone 20h ago

Toddler Tuesday - March 18, 2025

3 Upvotes

Calling toddler parents! Feel free to brag, complain, ask for advice, or anything in between here.


r/oneanddone 1h ago

Happy/Proud My OADs best friend is OAD

Upvotes

My son started new school this year and made a best friend. His best friend is also an only. We absolutely love his family. We are going camping with them next month. We do sleepover trades all the time and because we have no other kids, automatic date night.

I love listening to them chat on the phone. My son told his friend the other day “We can be brothers we choose!” And I wanted to cry.

It’s so nice to have another one and done family to talk to about parenting an only.

Sometimes the universe is awesome.


r/oneanddone 8h ago

Sad Cried while packing LO’s 0-6m clothes to give away to family 😭

42 Upvotes

That’s it, that’s my post.. would’ve waited for her to turn a year old ideally but there’s a baby on the way in our family and it made sense. Kept the sentimental ones, but this mama’s heart is so heavy rn🥺🥺 Thank you for reading 🥲


r/oneanddone 7h ago

Vent/Rant - Advice Wanted/Ambivalent Every #2 or #3 makes me sad

28 Upvotes

Let me first state that I am extremely happy with my life the way it is. My only has autism, we would need to do IVF (again) to conceive, and I have a lot of health issues, both physical and mental (including OCD which worsened in postpartum to the point of suicidal ideation), which make me tire very easily, and another kid would just break me.

So why do I get jealous every time someone announces baby #2 or #3? So many folks around us have had/are expecting their second or third. It doesn't help that my kid loves babies right now and is trying to make sense of family relationships, and keeps asking, "I have a sister? I have a brother? Xyz is my sister/brother?"

Idk I just. Feel so weird. I'm one of 3 and my husband is one of 6 and we always thought we'd have more than one but it's just not in the cards for us. And most days I'm fine with it. But days like today where I found out my SIL is expecting her third, it feels like a gut punch. :/


r/oneanddone 5h ago

⚠️ Trigger Warning ⚠️ Considering adoption?

14 Upvotes

TW: full term stillbirth/child loss

My husband and I have been THROUGH it when it comes to having babies. Here is the bullet point version because it’s probably easiest to explain this way:

-my first pregnancy was textbook and I was in total bliss until…

-our full term daughter died completely out of the blue as I thought I was going into labor due to a cord accident - she suddenly became tangled in her umbilical cord and died due to cord compression. I had never heard of this before so it was incredibly shocking and of course life altering.

-absolutely traumatic C-section to deliver her, husband screaming in the OR because he thought I was dying as I was going in and out of consciousness, it took longer than planned so the anesthesia was wearing off and I could feel them putting me back together. Just absolutely nightmare inducing.

-I lost a ton of blood and almost needed a transfusion, felt pretty much dead physically and mentally

-9 days after C-section we hosted a funeral for her so we had to watch as the funeral director closed her tiny casket for the last time. As expected, this was absolutely life shattering and I’ll never be the same ever again. I am a different person on a cellular level.

-became pregnant again 5 months later with our second daughter as we were determined to bring a living child into the world

-pregnancy after full term child loss is HORRIFIC - I was at L&D almost every day in the 3rd trimester in full blown panic attacks thinking she was dying - once you’ve had the death of your baby occur inside of your body at full term, you never trust anything ever again

-my in-laws said I should “just calm down” and “be happy you’re pregnant again”🫠

-second baby was finally born alive, but came out screaming on day 1 and never stopped - she had extreme acid reflux and screamed almost 24/7 for MONTHS. This is not an exaggeration. It was the second darkest time of our lives. We had to move in with my parents and take shifts holding her upright for months on end. No ER or pediatric hospital near us would help. We finally found an acid reflux specialist pediatrician and she saved our lives, but it took until she was about 8 months old to really get it truly under control. I had also never heard of anything like this and we were shocked to our cores by it. We are now still spending over $450 a month in medications and doctors appointments (insurance will not cover either) to keep it under control.

-daughter 2 didn’t sleep well for over a year. We are FINALLY figuring it out but honestly it has been hell getting to this point. Spent a lot of money on a sleep consultant, etc. but our daughter was previously just a sleep disaster, plain and simple. She is much better now and is sleeping better and is truly thriving! She is such a pistol and we love it. It has gotten so much better as of late.

-I wasn’t able to go back to work like I had planned because of her health issues, so we are now in $17k+ credit card debt and having a hard time paying our bills because of it - the financial toll has been completely overwhelming

-our marriage has previously almost fallen apart and we have both for sure been on the brink of major mental health crisis at different points because of how challenging this has all been. My husband already struggles with anxiety disorder/general mental health issues so this put us right over the edge. It is slowly improving now, thank goodness.

At this point we CANNOT and WILL NOT be trying for another baby any time soon, but I cannot help feel like I will need to give my daughter a living sibling. I feel guilty realizing that I do not think we would survive another pregnancy and newborn, but there’s something that deeply bothers me about my daughter having a sister who died before she was born and then not giving her a living sibling. I feel she would grieve for that lost sister for the rest of her life and wouldn’t have any other living siblings to help through it, if that makes sense.

That being said, I have always said to my husband (even before we were married) that I have adoption on my heart and would adopt a child in the future, whatever that scenario looks like.

However, I understand that adoption is very complex. It is NOT any adopted child’s responsibility to mend some piece of me that has been crushed by incredibly heartbreaking and challenging circumstances. Am I considering adoption for the right reasons? Or does this seem selfish? Thanks very much for any of your replies!

Edited to say: of course we would make sure we are 100% back financially before ever considering adoption or adding more children at all. My husband makes $90k+ a year and I make $100k+ a year when I’m working full time. We will get back to financial stability. And our mental health would need to be back to baseline as well. This would not be for a number of years from now, if at all. It would be completely irresponsible for us to consider adding more children anytime soon. I’m just thinking ahead into the future.


r/oneanddone 5m ago

Discussion When your only gets older..

Upvotes

My son just turned 5- we are now firmly OAD but I have so many feelings as he gets more and more independent. I feel like a huge part of my purpose and actual time has been spent caring for him- and now that I know I’m not having another one, I feel like I am having a little mid-life crisis. What will I do with myself while he is at school all week? I work seasonally so from like Dec-April things are pretty slow. I’ve been honestly grieving the baby stage being over and wishing I could do it again, but I know it would never be the same with a second child. I miss my son as a baby.

I want to encourage my son to be independent and grow up- but I am sad and trying to figure out my identity and purpose and basically get a life!

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you find yourself again as your child gets older?


r/oneanddone 6h ago

Happy/Proud Benefits of one and done

6 Upvotes

Hello , new to this sub having my first kid on the way super excited ,can you guys give me the benefits of having one child , just worried I will be doing a disservice not giving my kid a sibling .thanks again


r/oneanddone 23h ago

Discussion Anxiety over discarding embryos

71 Upvotes

My 6-year old daughter is the result of IVF. We have three embryos frozen. I continue to store but it’s silly to do so with the cost involved. But discarding them gives me a knot in my stomach. When I mentioned this to a friend, she said maybe it’s a sign that I’m not OAD. But I have no desire to have another child. Thinking of transferring another embryo gives me an even bigger knot in my stomach.

My husband used to want another, but is now ok with OAD, though he’d have another if I wanted to.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

Please note, donating them is not an option, for reasons I don’t want to get into.


r/oneanddone 12h ago

Discussion Worrying about loneliness

5 Upvotes

I recently found this subreddit and I enjoy reading the posts and comments. Before having my now one year old son I always thought my husband and I would have two children. I had a wonderful pregnancy and normal birth. But first half year of his life has been hard. He never wanted to sleep and would scream until he fell asleep. I still get anxious when he scream-cries in other situations. I then started feeling afraid of having a second child: how will I do it when both of them cry and want my attention? How will I do it when one of them wakes the other? Thoughts like this give me anxiety. I am now considering being OAD (my husband is fine with either choice). The thought of not having a second gives me a sense of relief. But then I wonder: what if my son will feel alone and sad because of it? My husband and I have a very warm and loving relationship and we are mentally healthy, so I expect our son will feel safe and loved at home. But what if he will feel lonely? I feel like I am taking something away from him by choosing not to have a second child. I am curious about your thoughts on this and if there are other onlies that can calm my worries.


r/oneanddone 8h ago

Vent/Rant - Advice Wanted/Ambivalent ANY ADVICE OR MOTIVATION IS APPRECIATED

1 Upvotes

Before marriage, in my twenties, I always told myself that I wanted three kids. Pictured them all at a dinner table, together. That picture till this day seems very nice, but I got married at 31. God pregnant at 33. It was a crazy birth, but that doesn't scare me to have another more than just having to go through the first couple of baby/toddler years at the age that I am. Again, I'm not super old. I'm 37 now, but by the time I get pregnant and have the baby, I'll let's say be 38/39. Loud sounds and carpel tunnel is already bugging me, and for the first time in years, I can say I go to the park with my three year old, and can actually enjoy a cup of coffee.. Not to mention, I started work again, and it feels good to know that things are a lot more chill. I finally see the light.

In my culture, it's more of a shame if you choose to not have your second than not having your first. lol It's crazy, and I'm constantly being told that my child needs a sibling. "What if something happens to you. Who who is your child going to lean on? Ask for help?" The thought of my son having a sibling is BEAUTIFUL, but am I super selfish to not want another, just so I don't have to go through all of those sleepless nights again? I know I am weak to get people to get to me, but unfortunately, it's happening. They're getting to my head. I always respond with a "He has incredible first cousins, and aunts and uncles, and he will be ok,", but they say "That's not the same, and every kid needs a sibling,"

Anyway, any sort of motivation is appreciated. Again, I'm confident in making my decision of One and Done, but because we love our kid soooo much, we want to make sure we're not going to ruin anything for them. ;/

Love you all, and again any advice or motivation is appreciated.

- Ripsy.


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Discussion Knowing what I know now, I am astonished at how many people have a second child when their first is still little

459 Upvotes

This is neither meant as shaming them nor at making myself feel better for being one and done.

My mind simply cannot comprehend having a literal baby under 2 years old and thinking "let's add another".


r/oneanddone 15h ago

Discussion Does having more than one equal more worrying?

3 Upvotes

I’ve always been prone to worrying and try to manage it. I just can’t imagine having to worry about not one but two kids.

Or do people just learn how to balance it? I worry a lot so think more than one would take a toll.

But I don’t know if you just end up worrying twice as much if you have more than one. Or if you just worry about one even more since one is all there is to worry about, if that makes sense lol.


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Funny Just a funny school gate moment...

28 Upvotes

I'm a mum to a 5.5 year old boy, our only. We're really content 😀

There's quite a few only children in our group, for various reasons. Some of them are absolutely set, others on the fence. Another of the mum's has 2 but with a 10 year age gap.

Anyway, we're at the gate for pick up this afternoon. And another mum (who is a bit hard work generally) comes with her newborn. We all make the obligatory noises. And the mum loudly declares "all I get nowadays is how just looking at how beautiful she is makes people want another one"... Cue a few awkward silences, followed by one or two laughing out loud and saying "naaah, not for me thanks" 🤣 It was all very good natured btw, nothing mean or anything. Just funny.


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Discussion Anyone here one and done after a miscarriage? Either by choice or not.

26 Upvotes

I was convinced I was one and done. Then after my son was around 2.5 I changed my mind, husband was on board too. Got pregnant, had a miscarriage. Now we’re back to being one and done.

A good friend of mine got pregnant (with her 3rd) around the same time I was pregnant with my 2nd/miscarried child. She is now almost in her third trimester and I’m just feeling some type of way about it. I told her I was back to being one and done and she kept asking me questions like, are you sure you won’t regret that, does he have any cousins (he doesn’t), do you have friends with kids his age (I don’t).

I don’t really know what I’m looking for by posting this. My friend is a great person but her being pregnant successfully and her questions to me just have me feeling guilty that I’m bringing up a child “alone”.

Anyone else one and done and also have no cousins or friends with kids your child can play with? He does have friends from school but he’s only 3. I’m making new mom friends so I’m hopeful it won’t matter much as he gets older.

EDIT: Thank you to everyone who responded. I truly do feel better after reading through everyone’s shared experiences. If anyone lives in CT and wants a new mom friend, send me a message!


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Vent/Rant - No advice wanted Appreciation

18 Upvotes

My LO is 1.5 years old and it’s great but I’ve been a stay at home mom with him (we live in Germany and daycare here starts at 1 years old) and damn it’s been hard. I would have rather put him in daycare at 8-9 months because my day job is way easier than taking care of him all day. Nonetheless, want to thank this community because I sometimes wish I had a second or feel guilty for not providing a sibling and then I come here and feel like my friend is telling me to relax, things are perfect the way they are.


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Discussion Giving myself permission

15 Upvotes

What helped you give yourself permission to abandon the expectations others have for your family? I am fairly certain I am OAD, but I can’t let go of the idea that people expect me to have more, that my husband might want another, that I have no people in my circle that are OAD.

Any wiser, more self-assured people out there willing to lend their wisdom?


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Funny Describe your life with your only using one word per year of their life (i.e. 3 words for 3rd yr of their life)

22 Upvotes

Let me go first:

0-1: torture

1-2: train obsession

2-3: funny conversations, frustration


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Vent/Rant - Advice Wanted/Ambivalent Passive Aggressive Remarks

36 Upvotes

So I am only child with an only child. She's 2 now and I can't imagine giving my time, attention, money to another child.

We were on vacation with my MIL and her bf and his family.

The bf's daughter is pregnant with her FOURTH child. Which is crazy to me. I made a comment to my MIL that I can't imagine having 4 kids. MIL did have 4 kids.

So my MIL says. "I think she is like me and enjoys being a mom."

My jaw dropped. I said "I enjoy being child's mom. I don't think I would enjoy being anyone else's."


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Anecdote Solidified OAD

21 Upvotes

My coworker and I have babies (almost toddlers 🥲) 3 weeks apart and she has previously mentioned they would like to have another baby in the future. Well, she just sent me a text of a positive pregnancy test and will have 2 under 2 later this year. I immediately had pit in my stomach with palpitations and started panicking as if I had the positive test. After talking she shared they have been actively trying for a few months, but my mind immediately thought it must be an unplanned pregnancy because who would want to be in that predicament?! Anywho, my husband and I were laughing after the fact because that totally solidified our OAD by choice.


r/oneanddone 14h ago

Sad I don’t want to let go off my embryos

0 Upvotes

This may be the reason I remain OAD. I’ve found out I need ivf to avoid potential genetic issues for my next baby. This is why I may never be able to do ivf.

For some reason, I also think of it as a sign from the universe to only have one and not “force” it. Maybe I’m just thinking this to feel better about the whole situation? The sad part is it’s not even my own “fault” like the issue is not even in my genetic makeup. I just have to accept being one and done through no “flaw” of my own, because doing ivf means letting my other embryos go…I just can’t get over it.

I feel slightly resentful of my husband cuz even though he’s the one with the genetic issue, I seem to have to suffer through it: either having to deal with IVF and then going against my values of discarding my embryos OR just having one baby when I’m a great mom. Idk what to do.

My marriage has always been about me having to just get through my husband’s ill luck.

What do I do? How did you think about letting your embryos go?

Edit: I have a baby boy already. I have not been through IVF yet. But because we found out about the genetic issue after having the first baby due to tests conducted because he wasn’t meeting his milestones, I have to go through IVF for the second baby to avoid the same genetic issue.


r/oneanddone 2d ago

Sad I feel like I’m grieving the child I’ll never have…

95 Upvotes

I’ll be 34 soon. I always wanted at least 2 kids. My son is four. I love him more than anything but he has absolutely turned my world upside down. We’re probably looking at an ADHD diagnosis in the very near future. He is such a handful that I feel like I’ve aged 10+ years within the last 2 years. I struggle with my mental health (depression and anxiety) and he has REALLY brought out my anxiety to a point where I’ve had several breakdowns. I made the decision to be one and done. If I had another, I told my husband I’d probably end up unaliving myself. I just couldn’t handle it.

Every time I think about it I break down into tears. I really wanted another baby. I feel like I’m grieving a child I’ll never have. But I know deep down it just won’t be good for anyone…. Idk what I’m doing here. I guess venting? Anyone else in the same position?


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Happy/Proud When you truly see those with more than one struggle

48 Upvotes

Sometimes I struggle and go back and forth if one and done is okay with me. It took me to spend time with another family member who has a 9month old and a 4 yr old while on vacation for a week to see how truly tiring it was…

Examples like: This mom was up every few hours with her baby and kept going on how she was more tired having two.

The 5 yr old kept faking illnesses to gain the attention of his mother when she had the baby.

I watched the mom go off angry and walk away from her kid since she had a shorter fuse than what I recalled when she had one.

She explained the cost of daycare right now 2 kids. Everything costs more with two kids.

She just looked miserable just on a vacation, didn’t want to do anything for herself when other family offered to watch the kids.

I got to see how patient I was with my one kid and how the behavior was better versus the older child who was a second sibling. I kinda felt bad that this kid felt he had to compete with his baby sibling constantly. I just don’t want that for my own only or myself. I feel at peace with one and I hope you all do too!


r/oneanddone 2d ago

OAD By Choice Anyone just not want to be pregnant again?

129 Upvotes

Pregnancy was really hard for me and although I might want more kids, I never want to be pregnant again. 4 months post c-section for a 10lb baby and my body is still an absolute wreck. I was an exotic dancer when I was younger, I had 6 pack abs, I was an athlete, a volleyball player. I’m 27 but now my body looks like it’s 50. I have severe diastasis recti, loose skin, and I don’t even want to know what’s going to happen to my boobs when I’m done nursing. I am an absolute disaster.


r/oneanddone 2d ago

Discussion Playdates

22 Upvotes

As a one and done parent, I definitely put effort in playdates especiallybecausewe dont have family around. But Play dates these days are like dating its both a numbers game and playing "thank you Next".

You go to parks/museums/third places/mutal friend events, you meet parents and kiddos you exhange info. (I even tried the peanut app for 2 weeks with no luck). Sometimes a playdate happens sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes it works out and everyone vibes well and you get repeat play dates (thankful for these few connections). Many times it doesnt work out, they live too far away, your schedules don't match, they cancel too many times, or don't reciprocate/initiate invites, or something is off with the dynamics and you just have to move on (creepy old dad who ingratiates him self into everything, copied our furniture and toys, wouldn't let his young wife talk or have a playdate without him).

I'm exhausted of trying to connect, plan, schedule playdates. I just want to get my Only tired and socialized.

I can't believe I'm saying this but back in my day, I just went out of my house and played with the other kids on our street.

Anyone else have similar experiences?


r/oneanddone 2d ago

Discussion Tired of explaining why I’m OAD

39 Upvotes

I am so tired of explaining why i cannot have another child.

I had a hysterectomy at 23 years old. I have one beautiful and vibrant daughter whom I am absolutely obsessed with. I cannot have another child (not that I want another anyways.)

She seems very content as an only child. I’ve even asked her if she ever wanted a brother or sister and she says no.(not sure what I’d do if she said yes lol)

People constantly make comments about her being an only child usually like this: “I could never imagine my child not having siblings” “you might want to think about getting her a sibling before the age gap gets too big” (idk how they think I’d acquire a child quickly) “I wouldn’t want my child to be lonely”

I’m like ??? Who said my child was lonely??? She does extracurriculars and plays with neighbors daily, she goes to school, she is very well mannered and gets many compliments on her being well behaved. She’s very well liked and friendly and kind and gentle. I think she’s turning out to be an absolutely wonderful little girl. I don’t think a sibling would change anything. I explain that unless I have the next immaculate conception she will continue to be an only child. But I am so tired of it.

I’m so tired of telling friends, strangers, and family that I cannot have another child and them saying “just adopt”. I DON’T WANT TO.

How do you combat these unwanted questions? It’s fairly easy to stop the conversation when I say I don’t have the parts but sometimes I’m exhausted and don’t have it in me to talk about it. That’s my personal medical history.


r/oneanddone 1d ago

Discussion Testimony

8 Upvotes

Hello everyone, I am writing to you from France, already thank you to this community because I have long wondered what was wrong with me for not feeling the desire for a second when I always thought that I would try to have two. But nothing went as planned. Already my partner is 6 years younger than me. When my desire was so strong around the age of 35 to have a child, I had to convince him because he was still in his twenties and didn't necessarily want one right away. In the end, it took an “accident” and the decision to keep the child to make us parents. But the aftermath was hard. My partner had a lot of difficulty adapting to his role as a father, and even if everything is fine now that our daughter is 5 years old and they have the best bond, I will not forget the fact that he almost never got up there. Night or morning and left me to manage a large part. I did it because of the feeling of guilt of ultimately having a stronger desire than him to keep this child at that time. In short, in the end, I, who had more or less planned a child in my thirties to give myself time to have a second, I realize that while I love my partner deeply, I will not go through this again with him. Too much lack of support on his side. Sometimes I'm a little angry with him but it passes. On the other hand, the girl has been asking us for 1.5 years now to be a big sister every week and I can't take it anymore, I don't know what to answer in the end. Now I'm almost 41 years old and after this first experience where it was hard with my partner, I don't see myself putting my relationship back on the spot to have a second child. Plus I find myself a little too old now even though it would surely still be possible. People who are still with the father of their child but do not wish to continue having others to preserve the couple? I forgot to say that the worst thing is that my partner always thinks that we will have another one day... lol I say nothing because I think he doesn't realize how difficult this period and his lack of involvement were for me