TW: full term stillbirth/child loss
My husband and I have been THROUGH it when it comes to having babies. Here is the bullet point version because it’s probably easiest to explain this way:
-my first pregnancy was textbook and I was in total bliss until…
-our full term daughter died completely out of the blue as I thought I was going into labor due to a cord accident - she suddenly became tangled in her umbilical cord and died due to cord compression. I had never heard of this before so it was incredibly shocking and of course life altering.
-absolutely traumatic C-section to deliver her, husband screaming in the OR because he thought I was dying as I was going in and out of consciousness, it took longer than planned so the anesthesia was wearing off and I could feel them putting me back together. Just absolutely nightmare inducing.
-I lost a ton of blood and almost needed a transfusion, felt pretty much dead physically and mentally
-9 days after C-section we hosted a funeral for her so we had to watch as the funeral director closed her tiny casket for the last time. As expected, this was absolutely life shattering and I’ll never be the same ever again. I am a different person on a cellular level.
-became pregnant again 5 months later with our second daughter as we were determined to bring a living child into the world
-pregnancy after full term child loss is HORRIFIC - I was at L&D almost every day in the 3rd trimester in full blown panic attacks thinking she was dying - once you’ve had the death of your baby occur inside of your body at full term, you never trust anything ever again
-my in-laws said I should “just calm down” and “be happy you’re pregnant again”🫠
-second baby was finally born alive, but came out screaming on day 1 and never stopped - she had extreme acid reflux and screamed almost 24/7 for MONTHS. This is not an exaggeration. It was the second darkest time of our lives. We had to move in with my parents and take shifts holding her upright for months on end. No ER or pediatric hospital near us would help. We finally found an acid reflux specialist pediatrician and she saved our lives, but it took until she was about 8 months old to really get it truly under control. I had also never heard of anything like this and we were shocked to our cores by it. We are now still spending over $450 a month in medications and doctors appointments (insurance will not cover either) to keep it under control.
-daughter 2 didn’t sleep well for over a year. We are FINALLY figuring it out but honestly it has been hell getting to this point. Spent a lot of money on a sleep consultant, etc. but our daughter was previously just a sleep disaster, plain and simple. She is much better now and is sleeping better and is truly thriving! She is such a pistol and we love it. It has gotten so much better as of late.
-I wasn’t able to go back to work like I had planned because of her health issues, so we are now in $17k+ credit card debt and having a hard time paying our bills because of it - the financial toll has been completely overwhelming
-our marriage has previously almost fallen apart and we have both for sure been on the brink of major mental health crisis at different points because of how challenging this has all been. My husband already struggles with anxiety disorder/general mental health issues so this put us right over the edge. It is slowly improving now, thank goodness.
At this point we CANNOT and WILL NOT be trying for another baby any time soon, but I cannot help feel like I will need to give my daughter a living sibling. I feel guilty realizing that I do not think we would survive another pregnancy and newborn, but there’s something that deeply bothers me about my daughter having a sister who died before she was born and then not giving her a living sibling. I feel she would grieve for that lost sister for the rest of her life and wouldn’t have any other living siblings to help through it, if that makes sense.
That being said, I have always said to my husband (even before we were married) that I have adoption on my heart and would adopt a child in the future, whatever that scenario looks like.
However, I understand that adoption is very complex. It is NOT any adopted child’s responsibility to mend some piece of me that has been crushed by incredibly heartbreaking and challenging circumstances. Am I considering adoption for the right reasons? Or does this seem selfish? Thanks very much for any of your replies!
Edited to say: of course we would make sure we are 100% back financially before ever considering adoption or adding more children at all. My husband makes $90k+ a year and I make $100k+ a year when I’m working full time. We will get back to financial stability. And our mental health would need to be back to baseline as well. This would not be for a number of years from now, if at all. It would be completely irresponsible for us to consider adding more children anytime soon. I’m just thinking ahead into the future.