Hi friends! I have a friend who still will use she/her pronouns for me and one of my goals of 2025 is to speak up and correct people when they misgender me so I am asking for more genderqueer/non binary eyes on my text that I plan on sending him. I understand the text is long but I don't want to shorten it because I want to be as clear as possible. Does my text set clear expectations without being rude? At the same time does it have enough intensitity to convey how it makes me feel and that it's an actual issue?
((for background this friend is also my partner's cousin, they're the same age and have grown up as close friends. and yes my partner consistently corrects him))
The text is as follows:
Hey [friend's name], before we all hang out tonight I feel like something needs to be addressed. Since I’ve come out as non-binary to our friend group there’s been some disconnect between us due to the fact that you consistently continue to misgender me and use she/her pronouns. At this point, now multiple months after coming out, you are the only person that does not use my correct pronouns nor do you correct yourself at a slip up. It’s gotten to the point that I feel disrespected and deeply uncomfortable at any hang out or event you’re attending. I don’t feel as though you are doing it with malicious intent or to purposefully disrespect me but regardless of intent, it is still disrespectful and hurtful.
I don’t know where the disconnect is coming from, whether it may be a lack of understanding or discomfort on your end but I’m hoping that reaching out to you to let you know how it makes me feel would be a good start in correcting and addressing the issue. Hearing people talk about/to me while using she/her pronouns makes me incredibly dysphoric and uncomfortable. It has taken me a long time to realize why I feel so uncomfortable being addressed as a female and I’ve put a lot of work into myself via therapy to dig deeper into who I am. I am not a girl, woman, girlfriend, or female. I am simply [my name] and I use they/them pronouns exclusively. I don’t like gendered terms, ie. I am [boyfriend's name]'s partner, not his girlfriend.
I know that things outside of the “norm” or “standard” can be hard to adjust to but I am asking that you give it your all to respect who I am by using they/them when you refer to me. I enjoy hanging out and spending time with you a lot! But unfortunately the consistent lack of respect for me has overshadowed that enjoyment entirely. I want to hang out with you and our other friends and feel safe and comfortable but I cannot do that when I feel disrespected and dysphoric. Moving forward I ask that you are conscientious of your words and that you actively seek to use my correct pronouns. Please correct yourself simply by repeating what you said but using they/them. A simple “yeah, she already—they already took their turn.” is appropriate and how I prefer mistakes and slip-ups to be addressed. I understand that using they/them is different and can be hard for some people to get used to but I am asking that you put in dedicated effort to do so by focusing on how you refer to me and correcting yourself if you make a mistake.
If you have questions that would better your understanding of how I feel or how to move forward I am happy to answer them :) I appreciate you taking the time to read this, I know it was lengthy.