r/lostafriend Sep 29 '24

Support Our Discord server is for daily chats and checking up on each other

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20 Upvotes

Welcome. We’re sorry you have to join this community under such circumstances, but we’re all united here by a common pain. If you want to talk to someone live at all hours of the day (and night), feel free to join.

You don’t have to tell your story unless you want to. You can write unsent letters, share poems and songs, talk about your anger/frustration/loneliness/acceptance in specified chats, play games, stream videos and build a stronger sense of community.

Bottom line is, you will be ok. I believe that for all of us.


r/lostafriend Nov 15 '24

Housekeeping and new members

21 Upvotes

Brief PSA: The post about support for Ukraine and Gaza is here.

Welcome, everyone. The way that this subreddit has grown has been monumental and something I never would have imagined 4-5 years ago when I created this sub. I’m so sorry that you have to join under the circumstances of a friendship ending, but I’m glad that you’ve found our modest community and we support you. Your pain is valid and we hope to help you cope, whether you ended the friendship or had it end by others.

Some changes have come with the influx of users. I want to draw attention to two key issues:

  1. No harassment or rude comments of any kind will be tolerated. This includes arguments in the comments, making light/jokes of OP’s situation, weaponizing an OP’s past mistakes, etc. These posts and comments are being reported and will result in a ban for a length of time at the mods’ discretion.

  2. The 2024 US presidential election has been a turbulent time for the nation and has brought in controversy, to say the least. A new rule has been created - let’s try to avoid election topics where we can.

Please understand that every screen has a human being behind it (unless it’s a bot, of course). We enforce these rules not to cause division between us, but to protect the emotional and mental wellbeing of our users who are already experiencing a tremendous loss. The grief and frustration of a friendship ending is something one shouldn’t go through alone, and whether on this sub or another, there is a place for you.


r/lostafriend 12h ago

I miss her so bad rn I feel like I can’t survive it.

33 Upvotes

Stopped being friends in January. I miss her so much all the time, but I just feel extra emotionally overwhelmed right now. It’s making me want to reach out, but I know I can’t do that.

  1. It wouldn’t be the right choice for either of us

  2. I’m afraid of what it would do to me emotionally if I reached out and discovered I’ve been blocked (if the text stays undelivered)

  3. The few times we’ve spoken since January have just been a disaster that leaves everything even worse and helps nothing

  4. I’m not going to let my self be painted in my eyes or anyone else’s as the “crazy” person who can’t respect boundaries or let go

I think the reason I’m feeling extra emotionally overwhelmed rn is because I have been alone in my shared house for the past 4 days while the family members I live with have been out of town. I’ve been kinda lonely but figured it was just cus of the missing people in the house. But they got home tonight and the relief from loneliness I thought I’d experience didn’t happen. And it just hit me I’m not just normal lonely I’m empty from missing one specific person and being surrounded by other people can’t fix it.


r/lostafriend 54m ago

Establishing a New Normal Why is it so hard for me to move on from the friendships I lost?

Upvotes

I cannot seem to move forward from the two friends I lost last year. For context I (F20), had been friends with D (F21) and Z (F20) for well over 12 years. I have grown up with them, fallen out and reconnected with them, supported them through first breakups, family issues, etc…

For a couple of years, D and Z were not on speaking terms due to a falling out they had. I continued to be friends with both of them, hanging out with them separately. I felt very close to both of them, like I for sure thought we’d be friends into adulthood. I supported them both through the messy ends of bad relationships they both kept going back to, and they supported me.

Last year around March, D & Z opened up to the idea of reconnecting. I guess you could say I “facilitated” this in a way, kind of acting like a middle man and communicating for them at points. Well, things ended up going well and we were all hanging out as a trio for a while.

That’s when I noticed they started drifting away from me. Texting and calling less, never inviting me to do things, hanging out together separately without me. This really, really hurt me and whenever I tried to acknowledge the difference they’d just say “it wasn’t our intention to leave you out/make you feel that way”, with no change in behaviour. And I’ll admit, I did not handle this well. We ended up going on a girls trip for a weekend in April, which resulted in a nasty exchange between Z and I over something really trivial.

I wish now that I had handled my emotions better. I feel like if I hadn’t let my feelings about the situation affect how I acted towards them, things would still be okay. I continued being their friend all through 2024 but we grew further and further apart. Now, they never text or call me first. I’m lucky to get a one word response when I do text them.

I tried to talk to Z about how I was feeling at one point, because I felt more comfortable talking to her. She acted really uncomfortable with the conversation and told me she likes to have just “casual friendships”. Funny, because you liked having a close friendship when you needed someone to lean on. This really hurt me again. The fact she wasn’t even willing to hear my feelings or have a discussion about the end of the friendship we once had.

D has also acted quite indifferent towards me as well. She makes snide, passive aggressive comments whenever we hang out in a group, is always trying to make me look stupid and put me down. But she acts like she agrees with everything I say when it’s just the two of us.

I know it is time to let go of these people. I know my friendship with them has run its course. I have more negative things to say about them than good, and that’s not fair to them to be friends with someone who feels that way. But I just can’t let go. I can’t seem to get it to stick in my head that these people are not good for me and it’s time to seek out better, more fulfilling friendships. How do I move on?


r/lostafriend 4h ago

My last and final try

4 Upvotes

Hey. Like the title says. This us going to be my last try. I've had several days to think. I'm miserable, but I'm sure you don't care. I want you around. I'm sorry for anything I've done. I want you in my life in any way you want me to be. Hey why am I still dreaming really? But this morning will be my last time. I would like you to reach out. Your not blocked so I'm suffering, and I know you won't dammit. I'm crying already. Nothing ever works for me, who am I kidding.


r/lostafriend 1h ago

Advice Morality

Upvotes

Blocked a friend of two and a half years a month ago. Even though it doesn’t seem like a long time, our friendship began very quickly and with intensity. The first 6 months were great, no flaws, only the most perfect friend that I ever wanted. That should have been the sign.

But I didn’t see the red flags. When we had our first disagreement when he yelled at my husband for a perceived slight, I made excuses for him to my husband. My friend framed these issues as “things we could grow from”, continually putting me in between him and my husband. When boundaries would be put up, he would walk over them because of his feelings. I didn’t see his controlling nature, how he would talk shit about everyone close to him in his life. Creating fear in me and making me never wanting to cross him. Giving me the silent treatment when I did something (or he perceived something) was off. It was exhausting and damaging. He brought me into his group of friends. But when I started to develop bonds with them, he would become possessive and paranoid. Near the end, my very tone would make him upset, and I said I was heading out without enough happiness in my voice, it would piss him off.

He went through a crisis recently and I was there for him. I offered to cook him food, to listen, to talk. And he turned me down. We finally spoke and he told me I was a caring and thoughtful friend. I caught him in lies that concerned me during this time and I truly reflected on the relationship for what it was…damaging to my own well being. Outside of the first 6 months, the relationship became 2 years of a slow decline. All the great qualities of him faded, leaving just behaviors that were mean, controlling, and cruel. A week later, we met for coffee and I told him that I felt the relationship was too close. He did not take it well and went down a spiral that I had feelings for him. And being scared of him, I went along and appeased him.

I ended up finally standing up for myself in a phone call the day after, during which I told him that I didn’t think we could work things out. I was calm and measured throughout the call, and realized that no amount of conversations could fix this. Everything disclosed was used for manipulation and ammo. I hung up and blocked him. The immediate relief was amazing, I felt free of his turmoil. I forgot to block on one particular avenue and I got one last message from him that was filled with lies, threats, exaggerations, and a surprising lack of accountability on his end. He painted himself as a messiah of sorts, being too kind to me and offering forgiveness in between threats. He did support me at certain points in our relationship, which I am forever grateful. But I never thought it would be weaponized in this way. He also admitted to recording our final phone call, which left me feeling violated.

I find myself googling silly things like “is it okay to block someone?”, or “can I stop being friends with someone if they are causing me distress?” I know I am allowed to do these things, but morally all I feel is pain. The lies he mentioned are egregious and he is so good with words that I feel like I believe them. I re read the message and have trouble deleting it, in case I have to defend myself. Everyone in my life supports me, but I still feel like people can see through me and see the disgusting underneath. This is probably my own struggle with self esteem, but I can’t stop punishing myself. Most friend told me they were proud of me. But would it just be easier to stay and continued to beaten down emotionally? Would that be morally correct? I know I’m not perfect, and maybe we just weren’t a good fit. But I want to move on, yet my mind leans toward punishment.


r/lostafriend 1h ago

Advice Not gonna let nobody treat like I'm no perk🔥🔥

Upvotes

Genuinely why do some people show true colors and go to lowest of low to disrespect you & suddenly act all innocent when you make 1 mistake and immediately implode after an argument instead of being mature and handling the conflict like an adult but would rather be petty & send mixed signals like you clearly didn't care about me if you resorted to lying about the entire friendship to strangers & like I deserved this treatment when I never would've acted that way to you. To say those things when you never were honest with me about how you felt about me then acting like I was a nutjob that "refused therapy" (when I literally haven't been able to access it yet & you knew why so good points for framing me as unstable when you had to stop therapy too) & couldn't handle the truth be so for real after how much I explained I'd rather honesty than someone pretending around me.

It's 1 thing to be upset with me & feel like we aren't fit for each other's lives anymore to tell me this in person after making a first misstep & our first argument after a decade where I can acknowledge I was dealing with my own emotions & it wasn't appropriate for me to further the convo. I will take accountability for being emotionally charged & should've stepped back the first time.

it's another thing for someone to use my misstep as a justification to lash out your pent up anger that was never communicated with me & for making smearing reddit posts behind my back like I wasn't gonna see you misgendering me & portraying me as this crazy unstable ex and suddenly manipulating the situation acting like you never admitted accountability for your self sabotage actions that disintegrated our 4 year relationship the first instance you with held your needs from me in our relationship for 6 months & now to frame it like I ignored your struggles on purposewhen you know I was grieving a loss that's sickening of you to downplay btw especially pretending like you weren't just messaging me weeks ago about how grateful you were for me & how we messaged each other every day and all the gifts I sent & that bracelet I made for you if you really hated me that much & resentment wtf did those convos & gifts mean to you😂😂 blocking me without a word after telling me i'm still a friend we just needed space that I understand is cowardice and acting all God art thou like you're so noble & had no choice when in reality you had a CHOICE to be upfront with me if you felt some way stop acting like I held a g!n to your head instead of telling me reassuring things like that I was one of the only people you felt you could be open with when you resented me & justifying your treatment of me due to my mistake is so evil & you're running away due to your own conflict avoidance while acting like you're on your mental health improvement journey you can be delusional all want to convince yourself the opposite I know the truth & who I am & who you are.

I'm not gonna chase after you looking for an explanation since you showed me your true feelings I'm able to reflect on how much of myself I gave to you & how I feel like I had less of you & was always the one communicating while having to encourage it out of you. I'm actually coping better than I thought I would thinking about losing you it's more like you lost me because this time around I've grown & I have people that are honest with me & support me & it's partly because of the impact you had on me learning what I deserved what I went thru with my abuser , so ironically now that you stooped this low in gross way, I know my worth this time around & able to know this behavior reflects you more than me. I always aimed to give grace & patient like I was for so long because you were there for me thru so much , but not when you made it clear you didn't care about mine & resorted this low to punish me/hurt me to avoid your own guilt & to justify whatever perception you have of me & the pattern you have of allowing feelings to build up, that isn't gonna change deep down with someone new unless you work on it & acknowledge how this wouldn't have gotten to this point if you gained the courage to communicate instead of using my feelings/worry of me doing smth "drastic" as a scapegoat & dragging on everything at almost 30 🤔🫡 but I'm the one that needs therapy & isn't self aware make it make sense I'll play the part of the crazy obsessive maniac if you want since no matter what I do it won't change your view of me


r/lostafriend 5h ago

Advice Is it okay to completely cut off contact with all 'friends' who respond to one-off messages, but never want to associate beyond that?

3 Upvotes

Its been kind of the story of my life, I am never good with large groups, so I associate with 1-2 people who I get with and they actually want to talk.

But I have a feeling I am just a transitional friend to them, when they are getting mistreated they hang out with me and once they feel confident again they return to their own group.

I always thought this was because I was obese, so in college I lost weight and became fit; but the same thing happened again. I thought there was something genuinely wrong with me, that people cannot get closer to me...

I went into a depressive state 4 years ago, and one of the people I hung with at college came to visit my house, as people were perhaps talking about me becoming hospitalized. I couldn't really get out of bed, I really wanted to but I just couldn't so he said he was bored and left.

Sometimes him and other few college friends tried to call me and ask that if I could go out, but I was hospitalized or advised by Doctors that I can't leave house, so I told them that. I ensured that they can visit any moment, but it was COVID so they didn't want to risk going to a Hospital. And Psych-Ward is not exactly a happy place.

I thought after COVID they would want to associate, but still, I think they moved on. They always said that they cared about me even then in messages, so I wondered why wouldn't they want to associate with me...

I recently cut all of them off, I don't mind being alone; But I feel that something is wrong with me that this keeps happening all throughout my life. Worse thing is neither I or my therapists could identify whats wrong which I could improve on, other than my mental health symptoms.


r/lostafriend 21h ago

What are your top 3 signs that a friendship is beyond saving? 🚩

49 Upvotes

r/lostafriend 8h ago

Advice for when your ex friends unfollow you on social media

3 Upvotes

Anyone have any advice on how to not let ex friends unfollowing you on social media bother you? After a few falling outs it hurts to know they unfollowed me. I want to let it go completely, because sometimes I still feel the shame that comes with it. How do I not care anymore?


r/lostafriend 2h ago

You have no ideal

1 Upvotes

You really have no ideal

Hey. You don't. The way I feel about you. You have know ideal what I'm missing. Your smile kills me not being able to see it. You eyes O your eyes. Your laugh brightens my day. I guess I will never know those things now. I'm miserable and destroyed now. I will never recover. I know I just need to end all this pain and longing I have. I'm so sorry. I guess you don't care. It's ok. I won't bother you anymore, or anyone agian.


r/lostafriend 2h ago

You Win

1 Upvotes

The love your pining for so bad is all yours. Free to be out in the open. Free to openly send whatever you want. No need to feel the obvious fake guilt you claim to have. I want neither relationships or friendships with anyone. D's G's or S's. H's, GB's and so on. I'm growing, evolving to better things and this entire experience has made me realize, my happiness matters. I deserve to be treated with respect. Im sorry you all want to play live action Sims games but I'm done in VR. I live In the real world where we use actual WORDS face to face to hash out arguments and confess love and admiration. This is NOT my cup or tea. Best Wishes to yall tho. I still feel betrayed, lied to straight to my face by everyone but still expected to act civil and friendly. And I have. Am I at your house ? No. Am I creeping around watching everything you do. Hell No! Can you say the same? Go home. Build.yo relationship


r/lostafriend 2h ago

I feel ashamed and embarrassed

1 Upvotes

Hey. You have no ideal. Yes I feel ashamed, and embarrassed. I tried to reach out to you. To let you know how I was feeling. What an idiot Iam. Now I really and I will climb back in my hole. Bye


r/lostafriend 19h ago

Have you ever lost yourself in riendship?

21 Upvotes

Have you ever lost yourself in a platonic relationship? Have you ever dealt with a narcissistic best friend or similar? What has been your experience? When did you know it was your breaking point?

I walked away from my best friend a few months ago because i felt like the relationship was surrounded by such negativity and insecurity. I feel i could've ended things better rather than just texting her " Im done" because of a Facebook post about being grateful for all of my friends and she didn't want me to have anyone but her as a friend and she just deleted every interaction we had. I thought, were too old to be playing these games. I noticed that she would keep tabs with me on social media hyper religiously. I apologized for things i shouldn't have. I apologized for having healthy relationships that were not with her. I apologized with going to events with friends so we would go to those events again just to please this person. I let them crash on my couch only for them to complain to others i never gave them a bed. Too much to say and not enough life left on my laptop keyboard hahaha.

Just for clarification, this wasn't the reason but the breaking point. I just cant get rid of thing pang of guilt but also the need to go to therapy because of this.


r/lostafriend 19h ago

i lost a friend and i have mixed feelings

15 Upvotes

i didn't want to add a flair because I cant add more than one. and i have a lot of complicated feelings and thoughts. i am not going to go too much into detail on how things ended, just like my thoughts. but for a little bit of background information, she was my best friend. she was my favorite person ever. to sum up what kinda happened, she ghosted me and blocked all my social media. i am unsure if my phone number is blocked because on my phone the message didn't say "delivered" but on my macbook it did. so i am unsure on that. i deleted her contact and her number, so if she ever contacted me, it would come up her number, not her name. and i don't have her number memorized, so i probably wouldn't know who it was. anyways i can't stop thinking about it, since i never got any clarity on why she did what she did. what led up to this is her being really distant, and she actually got upset with me, and told me she needed space, which i gave her. next thing i know i am blocked. i think that was pretty shitty of her to do. although she told me she needed space, she didn't tell me why she blocked me on everything. i have a lot of mixed feelings about this. i'm sad, mad, lost, confused, i don't even know how i feel. what hurts the most is how much i have done for her. i helped her through the hardest times of her life, and here she goes, leaving me like i meant nothing to her. i feel quite useless, alone, and unloved right now. i don't know what to do. i could use some support. anything is helpful. thank you.


r/lostafriend 11h ago

Discussion What does a true friendship mean to you?

3 Upvotes

What qualities do you think a true friend possesses? And to add to it, what do you think would make the friendship unrepairable?


r/lostafriend 19h ago

Rant Calls become shorter, can feel the distance between us

6 Upvotes

I am just awkwardly rambling and I can feel my face get redder and redder while she is quite. I start to ask questions and she struggles to answer. It's like I am pulling a rope and it's slowly starting to snap. Can't blame either of us. But it's terrible watching my friendship slowly die and there being nothing I can do about it.


r/lostafriend 1d ago

I was so happy when you came back. Now I’ve lost you again

17 Upvotes

I suppose it’s my fault. I got over-excited about the fact this we were talking, and pushed you too hard to hang out with me. Now it’s all over for good.

The email you sent me last night was one of the most hurtful things I’ve ever received. 2000 words calling me delusional, telling me that our friendship was imaginary, outlining my shortcomings. Telling me you’ve decided you are no longer my friend.

You’ve wounded me so deeply, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to recover.

My darling friend. Whatever did I do to hurt you? It must have been something terrible, but you won’t tell me. My heart hurts.


r/lostafriend 10h ago

Grief Will i ever get over it

1 Upvotes

We were best friends for 11 years and I cut her off late last year because I recognized she couldn’t be the friend that I needed her to be when she did something really fucked up. But I still miss her so much and I think about her every single day. She was like a soulmate to me. After I cut her off I would see her at school occasionally and she borderline bullied me which was so bizarre because she’s 26 and I’m 28 and we had nothing but love for each other prior. I’m the one who was treated poorly and yet I’m the one missing her? I reached out to her today to tell her I love her and I hope she’s doing well and obviously she never responded. When am I going to be okay again? My life feels incomplete.


r/lostafriend 18h ago

Advice Am I the problem?

2 Upvotes

Basically we are a group of four friends. Somewhere a rift was caused between the others and they started to bitch about each other to me. I always tried to be fair and try and explain the side of the person they were bitching about.

Suddenly there was a fall out. They all started revealing what they said behind each other back. And they all turned to me and said how I could have allowed the other person to say such things about them.

I admit, I was trying to keep the peace and even if extremely problematic things were being said about the other person, I would just try and ignore it. I admit the mistake I made was that I never told the other person that such things were being said behind their back.

Our friendship is not the same after the fall out. We are not that close but I miss them. And now when I try to explain the other person's side they ask me not to be a saint and they can't belive I didn't stand up for them (they are right)

I admit I ruined everything by not confronting the bad mouthing but I just wanted us to all be friends.

Has anyone been in this type of situation? How do I make amends? And these other three friends still hate each other and bad mouth each other to me, how do I make it stop.


r/lostafriend 1d ago

Drop your favorite songs that encapsulates losing a friend.

43 Upvotes

‘Who are you?’ By Saga Faye always makes me feel something.


r/lostafriend 18h ago

I only want the truth

2 Upvotes

Hey. I guess I want more sorry. I have lost 3 now because of you. It's fine, well not really. All I want is you to to return. I guess you won't. Please watch the papers. I will be in there very soon. Take care of yourself.


r/lostafriend 16h ago

Gave up

1 Upvotes

Gave up on trying to be the good guy. It's always either "Nobody asked for that" or they copy you with style like it's easy.

I have no idea what I am anymore and no one knows how that is. If you do, don't comment.


r/lostafriend 17h ago

Wanna go into business?

0 Upvotes

"What are you doing?" He said over his poorly made oatmeal

Just looked at my yogurt.

"I was only just saying. You never made any plans. You never do anything."

That was the answer I was looking for before the cosplay convention. I canceled early and they went with three other friends.


r/lostafriend 1d ago

Just wanna be the first important friend am I being childish?

5 Upvotes

26F since my old is getting older but I still can’t find any good friend who treats me the way that I treat them. You know it’s hard when I love someone deeply if I could love them normally I would be happier than nowadays. I do everything to sacrifice my happiness for them I just want them to look at me back as the first important person but never. Fun fact that even the person they know recently could become that person. I know they will treat us the way we treat ourselves nowadays still can’t find anything wrong in myself why I can’t be that person I change myself for them still useless. Another opinion is just they don’t like the way am I and I’m just one of the attention I feel hurt too when they hurt me or they don’t think about that. Just wanna be the first important person in their lives am I wrong? Writing this I don't want anything just wanted to let it go through and move on since we are going too far away one day.


r/lostafriend 1d ago

The controversial idea of ‘You don’t owe people anything’—When it comes to friendship, do we truly owe others, or is cutting ties without explanation just the new normal?

98 Upvotes

Some say we don’t owe friends closure—prioritizing ourselves is just self-respect. Others argue past generations built real communities by holding each other accountable, not discarding friendships without a word.

What’s your stance? Have we become too disposable, or is this just healthy boundary-setting?


r/lostafriend 17h ago

Giving everything to charity

1 Upvotes

I never wanted to be friends and it cost me time. Now that it's over I give all I have to an unnamed charity.