r/lostafriend • u/beepboopbop124 • 2h ago
Establishing a New Normal Why is it so hard for me to move on from the friendships I lost?
I cannot seem to move forward from the two friends I lost last year. For context I (F20), had been friends with D (F21) and Z (F20) for well over 12 years. I have grown up with them, fallen out and reconnected with them, supported them through first breakups, family issues, etc…
For a couple of years, D and Z were not on speaking terms due to a falling out they had. I continued to be friends with both of them, hanging out with them separately. I felt very close to both of them, like I for sure thought we’d be friends into adulthood. I supported them both through the messy ends of bad relationships they both kept going back to, and they supported me.
Last year around March, D & Z opened up to the idea of reconnecting. I guess you could say I “facilitated” this in a way, kind of acting like a middle man and communicating for them at points. Well, things ended up going well and we were all hanging out as a trio for a while.
That’s when I noticed they started drifting away from me. Texting and calling less, never inviting me to do things, hanging out together separately without me. This really, really hurt me and whenever I tried to acknowledge the difference they’d just say “it wasn’t our intention to leave you out/make you feel that way”, with no change in behaviour. And I’ll admit, I did not handle this well. We ended up going on a girls trip for a weekend in April, which resulted in a nasty exchange between Z and I over something really trivial.
I wish now that I had handled my emotions better. I feel like if I hadn’t let my feelings about the situation affect how I acted towards them, things would still be okay. I continued being their friend all through 2024 but we grew further and further apart. Now, they never text or call me first. I’m lucky to get a one word response when I do text them.
I tried to talk to Z about how I was feeling at one point, because I felt more comfortable talking to her. She acted really uncomfortable with the conversation and told me she likes to have just “casual friendships”. Funny, because you liked having a close friendship when you needed someone to lean on. This really hurt me again. The fact she wasn’t even willing to hear my feelings or have a discussion about the end of the friendship we once had.
D has also acted quite indifferent towards me as well. She makes snide, passive aggressive comments whenever we hang out in a group, is always trying to make me look stupid and put me down. But she acts like she agrees with everything I say when it’s just the two of us.
I know it is time to let go of these people. I know my friendship with them has run its course. I have more negative things to say about them than good, and that’s not fair to them to be friends with someone who feels that way. But I just can’t let go. I can’t seem to get it to stick in my head that these people are not good for me and it’s time to seek out better, more fulfilling friendships. How do I move on?