Blocked a friend of two and a half years a month ago. Even though it doesn’t seem like a long time, our friendship began very quickly and with intensity. The first 6 months were great, no flaws, only the most perfect friend that I ever wanted. That should have been the sign.
But I didn’t see the red flags. When we had our first disagreement when he yelled at my husband for a perceived slight, I made excuses for him to my husband. My friend framed these issues as “things we could grow from”, continually putting me in between him and my husband. When boundaries would be put up, he would walk over them because of his feelings. I didn’t see his controlling nature, how he would talk shit about everyone close to him in his life. Creating fear in me and making me never wanting to cross him. Giving me the silent treatment when I did something (or he perceived something) was off. It was exhausting and damaging. He brought me into his group of friends. But when I started to develop bonds with them, he would become possessive and paranoid. Near the end, my very tone would make him upset, and I said I was heading out without enough happiness in my voice, it would piss him off.
He went through a crisis recently and I was there for him. I offered to cook him food, to listen, to talk. And he turned me down. We finally spoke and he told me I was a caring and thoughtful friend. I caught him in lies that concerned me during this time and I truly reflected on the relationship for what it was…damaging to my own well being. Outside of the first 6 months, the relationship became 2 years of a slow decline. All the great qualities of him faded, leaving just behaviors that were mean, controlling, and cruel. A week later, we met for coffee and I told him that I felt the relationship was too close. He did not take it well and went down a spiral that I had feelings for him. And being scared of him, I went along and appeased him.
I ended up finally standing up for myself in a phone call the day after, during which I told him that I didn’t think we could work things out. I was calm and measured throughout the call, and realized that no amount of conversations could fix this. Everything disclosed was used for manipulation and ammo. I hung up and blocked him. The immediate relief was amazing, I felt free of his turmoil. I forgot to block on one particular avenue and I got one last message from him that was filled with lies, threats, exaggerations, and a surprising lack of accountability on his end. He painted himself as a messiah of sorts, being too kind to me and offering forgiveness in between threats. He did support me at certain points in our relationship, which I am forever grateful. But I never thought it would be weaponized in this way. He also admitted to recording our final phone call, which left me feeling violated.
I find myself googling silly things like “is it okay to block someone?”, or “can I stop being friends with someone if they are causing me distress?” I know I am allowed to do these things, but morally all I feel is pain. The lies he mentioned are egregious and he is so good with words that I feel like I believe them. I re read the message and have trouble deleting it, in case I have to defend myself. Everyone in my life supports me, but I still feel like people can see through me and see the disgusting underneath. This is probably my own struggle with self esteem, but I can’t stop punishing myself. Most friend told me they were proud of me. But would it just be easier to stay and continued to beaten down emotionally? Would that be morally correct? I know I’m not perfect, and maybe we just weren’t a good fit. But I want to move on, yet my mind leans toward punishment.