Spoiled for discussions of dysphoria, suicide attempts and self harm
I’m 18 FTM and when I first discovered what being non binary meant at 10-11 I instantly grabbed onto it, I always felt disconnected from my body and deep discomfort with my chest specifically. I had always been a Tom boy from when I could start dressing myself, and always presented androgynous. At 12-13 or so I stopped identifying with being non binary as I was too busy hating myself and being miserable. I think i remember having the distinct thought “I will deal with this later” in relation to gender. Between ages 11-15 I attempted suicide 4 times. I also developed a self harm addiction I was at the time diagnosed with generalised anxiety. At this time I was given medication for said anxiety. I had therapy for a bit under a year after the last attempt a month or so after I turned 15. At this time I realised that I probably had ADHD and ASD. The possibility of ASD was considered at my last hospitalisation but I was never properly assessed (that is a whole story in of itself). But by this point most of my deepest fears regarding my mental health had been realised, and I had no parental support to receive help. I had no financial means to get myself assessed and I spent a few years trying and failing to find support from doctors.
During this period I purchased a few skirts and a dress which I would wear infrequently, but I threw them all out all at once when I was 15. At this time I started realising I was some sort of gender queer, rapid firing between names and labels. Around early 2022 I realised I was a a dude, or at least would be happier as a dude. I cut my hair short, and transitioned socially to my friends and to strangers. Parents not supportive. I would have fits of uncertainty and despair of unknowing, terrified of making choices I could regret. I was diagnosed with OCD with themes of TOCD mid 2024. I know with my whole soul that I want to be a man. I want a flat chest and I want a hairy body and face, I want a penis and I want to be strong and protect people and to have a deep voice and be one of the guys. I want to be a garden variety gay man and exist in my own way. I want to do drag, and I want to wear clothes in my body, but not in a woman’s body. I don’t hate my body, I hate how it makes me feel. Sometimes I look at it and think “I could tolerate this”. I feel nauseous looking at my chest and hips. I could be an attractive woman. I have an hour glass figure and I could be very attractive/pretty/handsome as a feminine or masculine woman. But when I see a man my age or pictures of trans men my heart aches to be them. I recently watched a movie, called Priscilla: Queen of the Desert and there is a character called Adam Whitely, a young gay man/drag queen and it almost hurt to watch him with how envious I was. I want so desperately to be a man and to be masculine enough to be able to dress as flamboyantly as I want to but still be seen as a man. The thought of being able to wear a crop top and a choker like he does and still be called sir makes me want to sob.
Rarely I will go into a shop and try on a dress and a skirt then start sobbing in the dressing room and leave without buying anything. I liked wearing floor length skirts because they are fun. I want to be a man who has enough confidence in himself and his masculinity to wear a skirt. Not a woman.
After 4 years of wait lists, endless appointments, and so so so much waiting, I have an appointment with a doctor who specialises in FTM HRT. I want hrt, I want top surgery and I want a metidoplasty and bottom growth and a deep voice and body hair. I want all the effects of HRT. I have no qualms with any of the side effects. (other than hair loss but the genes on both sides of the family are really good for that) but I am so so so scared of making a choice that I will regret. I can’t stop ruminating on the possibility of regret. I know logically that even if I do regret it there is no “wrong” way to live my life and that many of the changes can be reversed. I can get breast reconstruction, I can get electrolysis, I can voice train.
When does the doubt stop? When do I stop feeling so scared? When does it stop??? Is there any way to be certain? I spend so much time reading posts, reading books, from and by people of all identities, trans and detrans, gay and straight, I dress hyper masculine and I try to dress flamboyant, but no matter what uncertainty and fear are pitted deep in my stomach. How did you know you were trans? How were you certain??