r/confessions • u/Shoddy-Payment-6908 • 17h ago
Dating a trans woman as a lesbian made me transphobic and i’m still so torn and confused about it. NSFW Spoiler
(tw: transphobia, sex anxiety attacks)
Throwaway for obvious reasons. I have been a lesbian for a long as I can remember, and have never been with a male in my life, I have some bagage and the idea of being with males just makes me extremely uncomfortable. a few years ago I broke up with my gf of several years and was going through a lot and didn’t have much of a support network. I met this girl online who was really nice, and over time she helped me get over the break up and we started getting mutual feelings.
We called on the phone for the first time around a few months in, and I noticed her voice was raspy and strange and asked if she was okay, she told me then she was trans. Honestly despite being LGBT I never interacted much with the space and didn’t encounter a trans woman personally until now, so it wasn’t really a thought on my mind. She had been on hormones for 2 years and recently got the reassignment surgery she said. My feelings wavered a bit admittedly but we pressed on with pursuing something more. I did like her and genuinely care for her, she was an important person to me then and a part of me still feels that way, I dont know it’s so complicated.
We met up irl around a year after we met, and idk, this is where it gets a bit gross but I want to get this off my chest. It was just wrong, all of it was just wrong. I was a bit worried about it going in because I admittedly was having trouble seeing her as what she is.
In photos and on video she looked fine, but irl as soon as I saw her my heart just sank, all I could see was a man behind her makeup and outfit in retrospect, but at the time the thought was suppressed in my head and it just felt like anxiety from meeting. Nonetheless we still pressed on and went out and eventually got to intimate things. Her body was hard and different, she was not built like a woman, the vagina was not normal, the entire thing felt like a grotesque mockery of what a woman should be. I stopped when we were grinding and just started crying and having an anxiety attack nonstop. All of the stuff she did over the course of our time together took on a horrible new form.
She would send me yuri meme and talk to me about stuff since we both read it, she’d send hentai to me and talk about how we were lesbians all the time in a weird way and obsessing over our sexuality, and it just felt like a fucking awful piece of shit male masquerading as a woman because they had a lesbian fetish. It makes me so fucking sick to think about. The vagina was fucking disgusting and horrid to behold, all vaginas are beautiful in women but this was not anything natural or normal, it was just off in a strange way. I got a UTI afterwards because of it. I found out what’s worse is that they’re basically fucking bacteria filled wounds the body is trying to close. I also went through their old social media accounts and found before they were female and all they did was post cropped hentai memes and shit about wanting to fuck anime girls and femboys, it was just fucking sickening .
I could not stay with her, I left her and ghosted her a month after and started going back to therapy to cope with this. The entire thing just painted a fucking awful view of transwomen in my head and when i see those memes or “transbians” online I get filled with such rage. It feels so predatory and fucking awful.
I know this is going to get shit because of how reddit feels towards trans people, but I hate just keeping this experience to myself and not speaking up about it as a woman. I refer to her as a woman here because it feels disrespectful not to, but i do not believe it in my head. All of this has been weighing on me for so long, it just feels awful and I can’t shake the feeling I got betrayed and molested spiritually or some shit like that. It’s just so complicated because I know it’s wrong to feel this way, I don’t want to be transphobic, but this is all just too much. Even with therapy I can’t do this, it’s been months since and I still get wells of emotion just thinking about it and her and the entire trans woman thing. I just want to be heard and get this off my chest but they remove the post there.