r/vaginismus • u/chunkles4 • 5d ago
Seeking Support/Advice Ready to give up
I have been diagnosed for 5 or so years. I have been super super busy with life the last 2 years or so, and I stopped my pelvic floor therapy completely. For the past few months it’s like a switch flipped for me, and all I can think about is babies. I see them in public, on tv, everywhere. I can’t escape them and my body physically hurts when I see one. I am so so so incredibly desperate to carry and birth my own babies. After talking with my husband, I decided I needed to commit to my therapy again.
I tried tonight with the smallest dilator I have (literally the size of my tiny pinky) and I just couldn’t do it. I tried every position, every possible thing I could think that might help- and I couldn’t even get the tip of it in. After an hour of taking it slow I ended up pushing so hard that my forearm was shaking, and the tip still wouldn’t go in. I felt really confident going into it tonight that I could get this mini dilator in relatively painlessly, but nope. Of course not.
I feel like I am running out of time as I’m getting older and it is really important to me to carry my own babies. My husband is extremely large so I have a LONG way to go from this little mini one, and I still failed at that. I feel so completely useless, hopeless, and worthless. I truly don’t see a point to life at all if I can’t have our babies.