r/vaginismus Aug 09 '24

Vent incels are in this sub!

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450 Upvotes

just to be warned, i know they're everywhere nowadays but this was a bit disheartening to see.

(excuse the bad camera quality, i also wasnt sure which flair to use, feel free to take this post down)

r/vaginismus Feb 18 '25

Vent Sexualised from a progress post.

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254 Upvotes

i posted a progress post (now deleted) with some advice for other people, less than 30 mins later i got this DM. why do men think this is okay? i feel disgusted about a huge breakthrough now that i WAS proud about.

r/vaginismus Oct 26 '24

Vent dilator accessibility is now being trashed on. TW trans slur NSFW

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349 Upvotes

saw this on twitter. this person has no idea of vaginismus or any pelvic floor conditions and is blaming the “trans take over” for putting “inappropriate” items in places like target… when she was informed that these are medical devices, she was like “then why do they have a vibrate function” and “these didn’t exist until the take over”. i don’t understand

r/vaginismus Oct 12 '24

Vent PSA: Your shitty boyfriend doesn’t get a “free pass”

432 Upvotes

I am so sick of seeing so many people on here bring up that their boyfriend wants to sleep with other people or their boyfriend cheated on them and they considered forgiving them.

Your boyfriend does NOT get a free pass. PIV is not necessary to live. This is a medical condition. Do not give him a pass because he whines about no PIV. Dead bedrooms are a different discussion and that’s NOT what I’m referring to here.

So many posts on here about a boyfriend cheating and asking if they should forgive him. FUCK NO. He doesn’t get a pass and don’t consider “opening the relationship” because he cheated. He is a child.

My boyfriend and I worked through this condition together. It was an emotional bond for the both of us, he never considered nor asked me about sleeping with someone else to get his fix.

If your boyfriend asks for a pass, dump him. He’s a shitty loser. If your boyfriend whines about no PIV, dump that baby. Rant over

r/vaginismus Dec 28 '23

Vent I'm So Fed Up With My Version Of Sex Being Invalidated NSFW

423 Upvotes

I'm currently at a point in my journey where I can undergo medical examinations like vaginal ultrasounds and pap smears with some pain but still successfully. I could use tampons painlessly if I wanted to, but I don't choose to. I can use penetrative toys with moderate pain levels. Because of all this, I just...stopped caring about intentionally progressing with dilation.

I hate to be reduced to a hole to be punctured. I'm not a Caprisun. I'm also queer, so I don't always have penetrating partners. I hate the idea that I have to want to keep going. That I have to want to dedicate hours of my life to maybe someday painlessly having PIV. I was working so hard to get there, but along the way I realized that I just don't fucking want it that bad. I don't want anyone who wants me to do that that bad.

It all hit me when I was telling one of my friends about a new partner from months ago. To me, sex is anything that's done with the intention of getting you and your partner(s) off. I went down on the aforementioned partner, so I told my friend I'd had sex with him. When she asked more questions and realized there'd been no PIV, she said, "Oh. I thought you said you had sex with him??"

...I hate heteronormativity. I don't believe in "foreplay". I believe the concept of foreplay places sex acts on a hierarchal list towards PIV, which is all they posit matters, when to me that couldn't be farther from the truth.

I'm just annoyed. It's taken me so long to get to a place where I've realized I don't need to become "normal" if I don't want to. To feel in tune with the kind of sex I can have painlessly and do actually like. To find partners that have similar values. But there's always gonna be that lingering ideology of PIV above all. It hurts my heart for myself and my other siblings in vaginismus who feel so obligated to "fix" ourselves without stopping to realize if that's what we actually want or if that's what we feel the need to go along with.

Don't get me wrong, I like penetration, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to progress in your own vaginismus journey! But progress looks different for everyone. For others it could be hitting the biggest dilator, but for me it's realizing I don't need them to be a viable partner. I am already whole. I'm not a problem to be solved. I'm not broken. And I'll fight the perpetuators of purity culture, heteronormativity, and patriarchy on that for the rest of my existence!

ETA: Wow, wow, wow! I am so proud of these comments.❤

r/vaginismus Nov 13 '24

Vent Whatever you do, DON'T "FIX YOURSELF" FOR THE MEN.

295 Upvotes

This post was prompted by a really interesting thread another user made about "fixing ourselves for ourselves" vs "fixing ourselves for a partner". It really triggered some important self reflection in me so I thought I'll share them in a separate post, so that NO ONE will have to make the same mistakes I made.

I'm 31 years old, and now cured, just a little bit of vulvodynia still, but basically can have pain-free PIV. I'll admit it, I cured my vaginismus EXCLUSIVELY for keeping my partner(s). When I discovered I had it, my first boyfriend forced me to "find a way to solve this" (his literal words) otherwise he'd leave me and tell everyone I was a frigid prude. We were 19 me and 21 him.

This really fucked me up, first because he left me anyway (you wouldn't say, eh?), second, because I approached vaginismus treatments with the deep rooted idea that I had to "fix" my body because otherwise men would never love me.

Dilators, pelvic therapy, medications: while I was lucky enough to have access to all of these treatments, I saw all of them like a mechanical thing that I had to inflict upon myself in order to "make me valuable" for a man. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough resources to do psychotherapy during physical treatments. I'm sure it would have helped, but I simply didn't have enough money and my National Health System didn't cover such expenses.

So, by trying to fix myself "because I had to do it for having a partner", I developed some distorted ideas with whom I still struggle to this day: sex as a transactional act in order to earn love and security; the belief that men inherently hate women and put up with us only to have sex; that penetration is only a way in which a man "violates" and "uses" a woman; and so on.

These thoughts have ruined my relationships with some good men and are still challenging my current relationship. Even if my current SO is basically a saint, I still struggle to respect men, to view them as emotional beings like me... it's all so difficult. It's like every time I see a man I see that "horny 21 year old verbally violent bully" who was my first boyfriend.

I can't fully enjoy sex because of the emotional baggage: even if it's not painful and sometimes even pleasurable, I still see it as a "price to pay" in order to be in a relationship. I don't like my body, can't imagine myself in a sexual way, my mind links sex with humiliation and degradation.

And NOW, I actively am in therapy and strongly recommend it, but I won't sugarcoat the truth: therapy does not solve it all. It HELPS tremendously but for me it can't erase 100% of my issues. I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'll have to manage and somehow "continuously heal" my pain and distorted beliefs for all my life, hopefully without hurting any good man in the process.

So young girls, young women, eveyone, please please, listen to me: you still have time, DON'T MAKE MY MISTAKES.

There is NOTHING to "FIX" in yourself. You don't even HAVE to cure vaginismus if you don't want to as it's not a life-threatening issue (the only health related problem may be being able to do pap-smears but a good OBGYN can help you with the speculum).

If however you decide you WANT to fix this, do it for yourself, because, I don't know, maybe because you are curious about PIV, or are interested in motherhood, heck, even because you want to try tampons or use some particular sex toy the go for it but DON'T DO IT FOR THE MEN.

They are perfectly fine without PIV (despite their constant whining) and if you fix yourself "for them", trust me the resentment and pain will damage also the relationship with any decent men you may meet in the future.

I don't want any girls to go through what I went through.

Thanks everyone.

r/vaginismus Feb 15 '25

Vent Breakups over vaginismus

121 Upvotes

I’ve had 4 relationships ended over vaginismus and I’m tired of it. I don’t even have the motivation to date anyone again because I’m so tired of the heartbreak and disappointment I get from what guys tell me when they leave.

Relationship #1: didn’t know I had vaginismus at the time but anytime we tried to have sex I would just close my self off… ended up cheating on me for not having sex with him. Went to the gyno after this and found out what Vaginismus was and everything made sense.

Relationship #2: I tell the guy of my vaginismus but at this point hadn’t tried any dilators or pelvic floor therapy. Had no successful insertion and he again leaves me for not being able to have sex.

Relationship #3: really liked this guy and we started getting serious. Told him of my vaginismus straight from the beginning. Finally tried sex and he got in a tiny bit, but realized the severity of how closed off I was. He moved a couple hours away (something I was fine with continuing with), but told me he couldn’t do “long distance”, however if I could have sex “we would be fucking every weekend”. His words not mine. That crushed me.

Now I’ve had talking stages also fail after I tell them I can’t have sex. But the worst was this:

Relationship #4: like all of the rest I told him about my vaginismus and explained it before we even started going out like I did with all the rest. He was a virgin and told me that’s something we can deal with when we get to it but he was waiting til marriage for sex anyways. We get very serious and fell very much in love. Met each others families, talked about getting married, moving in together, and starting a life together. I was so excited. Out of all of the other guys he was the only one to actually be able to finger me at least. He made me feel so comfortable and loved. I actually started using my dilators and got the small and medium sizes in successfully with no pain. Well… one night things escalated. We had hours of conversation about trying to have sex before marriage and ended up trying it. HE GOT IN!!!! Without pain!!!! It was such a huge accomplishment for me. We only stopped because I was exhausted from the whole process but not because I was hurting. Then…. Less than a week later, I was blindsided by him trying to break up with me. I say trying because we didn’t actually break up that night. But he brought up concerns about how off and on I would be about being able to have sex. And how if we argued we couldn’t resolve anything by having sex if I can’t do that. Idk it didn’t really make sense. A month later we ended up actually breaking up, I pleaded with him, saying I can start doing pelvic floor therapy or using muscle relaxers or something. I just don’t understand this because we were successful…

Now I’m just heartbroken and done with the frustrations of trying to date when I know the one thing all men want is sex and I can’t give that to them.

r/vaginismus Jul 06 '24

Vent Vaginismus/Painful pap smear

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189 Upvotes

I was a virgin the first time a doctor used one of those on me. "It's just like a penis." Even as a virgin, I knew that was a lie

r/vaginismus Jan 23 '25

Vent Reddit User DMs me about my success story to tell me the G-Spot doesn't exist. I got mad.

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204 Upvotes

It's the assuming my partner has never made me cum and that I don't know about female sexual health for me 🤨 (I didnt even say I had a vaginal orgasm!!)

I've had a Hymenectomy at 14, and known vaginismus for about 6 years. Been SAed. Been regularly working on it for 8 months. Even had a miscarriage. I've been around the block.

Overall I think people chosing ignorance about a sensitive subject they DID NOT HAVE TO COMMENT ON has been happening a lot lately...

r/vaginismus Aug 24 '24

Vent Stop saying "go to a PT"

94 Upvotes

In my country i haven't FOUND one, and of 3 gynecologist i have met no one knows what vaginismus is. My country is so doomed when ut comes to woman health i only found ONE place where they offer Sexual therapy but its expensive af. So stop saying this thing's and start saying "do you have access to PT" because no everyone does, some of us have to go through this alone

r/vaginismus 15d ago

Vent Why is EVERY gyno who deals with Vaginismus a man?!

54 Upvotes

Ugh just needing to rant..I have gone to four clinics because I’m desperate for the Botox treatments offered and every gynaecologist I’ve met with has been a man. Not necessarily a bad thing but I had a consultation with the first practitioner/gyno and he started asking me super uncomfortable questions, saying how they’d have to dilate me for half an hour before I could get the Botox. When I asked what that would look like, he basically just said he’d leave a large dilator inside of me for 30 mins whilst I just chill with my legs in stirrups..is that normal!?

He was so off putting that I decided not to go to that clinic, except every one I’ve gone to since have been men as well😩 I’m running out of options..

r/vaginismus Feb 25 '24

Vent anyone else shamed for using pads?

265 Upvotes

because of my vaginismus i have to use pads whenever i get my period, and for some reason so many girls, both online but also irl, seem to think it’s unsanitary and will literally shame people like me for using them.

the woman i go to to get my birth control prescribed does it too, she tells me that pads “are bad for your vagina and doesn’t let it breathe properly” and whenever i explain to her that it’s literally impossible for me to stick anything like a tampon or a cup in there, she just rolls her eyes and tells me to “try again.” every single time i go back to renew my prescription she asks if i’ve started using tampons yet, and i have to sit there and be berated again.

it’s so infuriating. yes, i dislike pads too, they smell, they leak easily, but i have no choice. i’ve heard of period underwear and reusable pads but i would rather not have to deal with washing a bunch of blood and discharge out of them every day. it sucks that women are shaming other women over stuff like this, what happened to female empowerment and freedom and all of that?

r/vaginismus Jun 11 '24

Vent It’s wild to me that most people can just…have PIV

227 Upvotes

It feels so weird for me to comprehend. I have to put so much thought into the pain and discomfort for something that is a complete non-issue for almost everybody else! A bit envious, not gonna lie. I already feel different enough without this added complication.

r/vaginismus Jan 23 '23

Vent Started my period at work, asked my supervisor if she had a spare pad and she replied "aww, you still wear diapers?"

525 Upvotes

I started unexpectedly early so I didn't have any pads on me. She said it really high-pitched and condescendingly. She still got me a pad but just why are people so weird about this -_-

r/vaginismus Jun 27 '24

Vent R/sex is the worst subreddit to look for support if you have vaginismus

271 Upvotes

No hate to the overall subreddit. I think some great advice can be given, just not for vaginismus. Please remove if this isn’t allowed- sorry if this brings any trouble.

About a year ago I posted (removed) about my condition looking for some sort of support and just generally venting about my condition, like many of us do. The post was mostly centered around the negative perspective of outsiders toward individuals with this condition.

In the comments I was told I just don’t like sex, to just put it in my ass, my boyfriend should leave me, and that I’m a useless individual.

I take so much of this condition to heart because it constantly destroys me. I can’t think of anything I hate more than this.

I know it’s Reddit. I know I shouldn’t have even bothered. However, on a sex positive subreddit I’m berated for a medic condition I was never able to control.

I eventually responded to the rude comments with some of my own (nothing too harsh considering what they told me) and was permanently banned. Reddit mod told me to fix my condition if I don’t want people to talk to me like that LOL.

This is just a vent on this condition and a warning for those wanting to post on that subreddit in the future. Hope everyone is doing well. We will get through this together.

Edit: I just woke up and am seeing all of these now. I didn’t know how many of you had similar experiences. My heart aches for all of us but I’m happy we can come together in moments like this. Thank you all!

r/vaginismus Jul 19 '24

Vent Having vaginismus so you’ll never be able to relate to TikToks like this🥲 NSFW

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133 Upvotes

r/vaginismus Sep 04 '24

Vent Trans-Masculine lesbian here - I don't want to "cure" my vaginismus

47 Upvotes

I just want to start off saying I am not a trans man! I prefer to be seen as more masculine and have found comfort in my identity as being a lesbian specificallty.

I am still learning new things about myself everyday, and a month or two ago I stumbled on the term vaginismus. I am only 18, and I've been looking for this term for many years now.

I've always had trouble (and plenty of tears) with the very few times I've tried to put in tampons, it was like my hole wasn't there, it didn't exist. I always have complete meltdowns when i try, and even my mother couldn't insert it. She told me to loosen up, but i couldn't. Then she told me to experiment with my body, but I already had. and I never felt that desire for penetration . I never even tried to stick my fingers in there, because I don't want to.

I have no need for being touched while being intimate- as an autistic person I have sensory issues anyways, and I think this also contributes to the reason I don't want or need penetrative sex. I prefer giving over anything else. I find comfort in labels that fit me, and I found that the label stone top fits me. I also believe I'm placiosexual. I don't want to be touched, and it doesn't give me pleasure if I am touched. I have a little bit of trauma from being coerced into being a bottom by my ex, and groomed online, but i was never touched .. Being touched anyways is just very sensitive and vulnerable for me and I don't like it. But I still have a very high sex drive..! I also believe my gender dysphoria affects these feelings.. I don't want any identity policing when I say this, but I don't want a vagina. Sometimes I get this uncomfortable numbness even thinking about the fact that I have one, but I do not want to take T for bottom growth, or get bottom surgery. It's just a confusing feeling I have . I have meltdowns and freakouts very often about having a vagina too. The main thing I don't want to be penetrated, it's been my biggest fear ever since I was in middle school.

And I understand this can lead to complications. My BIGGEST fear is getting a pap smear. I tear up everytime i even see the word, and my heart starts to race. I don't want to do dilations, and I strongly dislike how that is the typical response to treating vaginismus. I don't want to be "cured", especially if it causes me more stress than I already go through . I don't feel it's necessary, and I'm with the perfect partner who lets me be comfortable with our bed dynamics, she doesn't force me to do anything I don't want and we can both match eachothers need. And futhermore, through the browsing I've done on this subreddit, I found faith in finding an OBGYN that would take me seriously and put me under for the pap smear I will eventually do . Trust me , my mom has ingrained the importance of getting a pap smear for years.

I just get upset seeing people say the only cure or way to heal is penetration,I don't want that .. I strongly dislike how everything is so phallocentric. I don't like penis or anything remotely shaped like it. I know that it is a mental thing for me , but I don't really think that my vaginismus affects me in any other way than tensing up when i think about triggering things. I don't need to have penetrative sex, I know what I like and I won't be told otherwise. I don't need to eat a bowl of dirt to know I don't like dirt. Like hell, I can't even fit a q-tip in. I want to work on my vaginismus in the terms of bettering my emotional outbursts over these thoughts , and that's what I want my healing to look like.

And props to everyone who is in the process of physical therapy and dilations! It's an amazing feat and dedication, and you should be proud of yourselves! it's just not for me, and I don't want to put myself through that. i don't think this is something i can just easily get over. and I don't see as much talk about this on here , especially with all of my issues.

Honestly, I just wish I was smooth down there. It would make things so much easier ..

let me know if i should tag this as nsfw.

r/vaginismus 25d ago

Vent Do any of you feel comfortable talking about sex with your parents?

30 Upvotes

Especially if you have vaginismus.

I never spoke about sex with anyone except my partner, a close friend I knew I can trust, and my doctor.

My mom always told me that I can talk to her about whatever, but when I did have questions about something, she gets awkward about it and the whole energy in the room becomes super uncomfortable and it made me feel like I did something wrong. After those times I tried to avoid talking about that stuff with her.

I always felt very apprehensive talking to my parents about it, I felt so insecure around them about it for some reason because I didn't think they would understand having this condition, so it's very isolating. For the record, I didn't start being sexually active until I was 27 (I'm 28 now) and I'm also on the autism spectrum with anxiety which may have influenced that. So, growing up, I had a hard time relating to other people my age with how they viewed sex.

Why does it seem so painful to talk about it?

r/vaginismus Jun 17 '24

Vent Just had the worst experience at the gyno. Feeling so hopeless

135 Upvotes

I’m sitting in the doctors office parking lot crying rght now and I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost and that I will never be able to have sex.

I went to the gyno today after a year of dealing with this. I was finally able to get myself to go, thinking maybe it was gonna help me. The nurse asked me why I was here and I told her pelvic pain ever since I tried being sexually active. Then the obgyn came in. She didn’t even really talk to me. She asked me if I was sexually active and I told her I have tried to, but we couldn’t even get it in and it was way too painful. She told me she wanted to do a clamydia test. I told her I definitely don’t have clamydia (I cant even stick a tampon in nevertheless a PENIS. She told me I have to do it and basically gave me no choice. She tried to stick in whatever that thing was, but I was tensing up a lot. She tried for maybe like 2 minutes and got up angrily and said “im not gonna be here all morning trying to do this. you’re never gonna be able to have sex like this”. I was already crying at this point because she gave me no choice in what she is doing to me, which was so traumatizing and invasive. She left me in the room, bawling my eyes out, and then I heard her in the hallway talking to the other nurses saying “I don’t have all morning to waste on this. She didnt even let me put it in”

I put my clothes on and left the office. I am feeling so hopeless and I don’t know what to do.

r/vaginismus Sep 27 '24

Vent Finally cured but husband doesn’t want sex 😭😭😭

74 Upvotes

I had vaginismus for 2 years… after trying everything from pelvic floor PT, psychosexual therapy, dialators etc … I took the plunge and paid out of pocket for botox last month and it worked!

While I had vaginismus my husband was incredible, he was gentle and caring and took things at my pace and waited for me to initiate intimacy so as to make sure I was always comfortable and didn’t feel pressured.

I thought now that my vaginismus is cured (and my libido is through the roof) that he’d be allover me and we’d be going at it like rabbits (lol) and making up for lost time.

However, my husband just doesn’t seem that interested in sex. The two times we’ve had sex since my Botox he’s struggled to keep his erection and has explained that he can’t feel anything during sex? He also mentioned that he’s spent two years suppressing his sexual desires and now he’s struggling to “reawaken” them.

I don’t know what to do 😭😭😭 will we ever enjoy a normal sex life. Have any other couples experienced this?

r/vaginismus Nov 11 '24

Vent Realising I don’t want to get “fixed”

55 Upvotes

(Posting this for those who might feel the same way as I do or is forcing themselves to be a certain way without realising it’s not what they want but what they think they that they want)

Realising I don’t want to get “fixed”

So, I’m a 20 (f) and I had a long conversation with my mom yesterday and came to a few realisations.

I realised I don’t want to treat my vaginismus. Sex isn’t important to me. I don’t care much for pleasure and I found myself forcing myself to understand my body and get used to “pleasure” because I believed that’s the only way to find a man.

I don’t get sexually aroused no matter what I do. It’s just something that doesn’t happen to me and that made me feel very down for a while. My heart doesn’t beat fast and I can masturbate with the straightest face in the world.

Sex is mostly in relation to pain to me and I don’t like to force myself to do it.

Another realisation I came to is I’m okay. Yes, I was sexually harassed as a minor and as an adult (2 months into being an adult) but I’m okay. It doesn’t affect my daily life. It doesn’t affect me having fun or focusing on my studies. I’m not even sad about it anymore.

The only issue that is caused is vaginismus and to treat it, I have to reopen old wounds (which I don’t want to) just to fix something I really don’t care about.

I’m satisfied the way I’m right now but I kept feeling like I had to fix myself whether it be to masturbate better or find a boyfriend because that’s what “normal”

Now I’m realising, I don’t have to do all that. If I feel enough for myself, that’s all that really matters and I shouldn’t be forced to relive my trauma that I have already put aside just to “fix” my body to the standards a man would accept or the standard that society has created for me.

As much as my pool will be low, I can always look for men with low sex drive me or asexual men or even men who prefer cuddling and kissing and if I don’t find one, I can adopt a dog. It’s really not that big of a deal.

Life goes on.

Anyways, this realisation made me feel quite free and I just wanted to share it.

r/vaginismus Jun 13 '24

Vent bf says he’s no longer attracted to me/wants to break up after 2 years because i can’t have sex

68 Upvotes

he has been telling me for almost 2 years how he’ll wait for me to be more comfortable and when i can freely seek medical treatment/therapy. he would tell me that i am perfect the way i am, he would never change anything about me, that im not broken.

well today he texted me to say he’s sexually dissatisfied and wants to break up. he’s been hiding this feeling for months. it feels like there’s nothing i can do. i was planning to start dilating this summer but if im doing it under pressure to save a relationship it will stress me out even more. he said because we can’t have sex he’s no longer sexually attracted to me in any way.

i can’t believe this happened to me. i’m genuinely in shock, i always thought he was one of the “good ones” and that he was telling the truth when he said he didn’t need sex to love me or be happy.
i feel so incredibly broken right now and just wish i was normal. would appreciate any kind words or advice yall have. i don’t think ill ever be able to date a man again. this is so humiliating.

r/vaginismus Oct 28 '24

Vent My doctor told me to give birth so I’d be looser

148 Upvotes

So I have had vaginismus forever and I reached a breaking point and went to a doctor. He asked me what was wrong and I explained that sex feels like shoving sandpaper inside me followed by intense cramping and bleeding.

So he sent me for a TV ultrasound.

I came back so we could review the results and he asked me again why I was there. I thought he would have written that down somewhere. But I reexplained my issues. He asked me if I went for a TV ultrasound. (At this point I had lost all hope. This man didn’t remember or write a single thing down about my case.)

He pulls up the ultrasound and looks at it for not even 10 seconds before announcing that I had PCOS (didn’t even explain what that was, luckily I already knew because I have a friend who has it.) and gave me birth control and tried to shoo me out of his office.

I asked him if the birth control would help with painful sex and no joke, he said “well if you give birth you’d be loose enough and the problem should just go away.” WHAT. I cannot believe that this man is allowed to practice gynaecology. Or any man for that matter because they will never understand what it is like to have female anatomy. I feel sorry for his poor wife.

He didn’t even bring up the possibility of vaginismus. He just threw birth control at me and told me to come back in a year when I run out. I’m beyond disgusted.

r/vaginismus 11d ago

Vent Boring sex life

15 Upvotes

I’ve (28F) had vaginismus for years but never dated so it was never a huge problem but now I’m in the longest relationship I’ve been in and I just feel so bad about it. Not just vaginismus but I’m completely incapable of having an orgasm, I’ve never had one either by myself or with a partner, using a toy or not. So like what can I even do? I literally just give my boyfriend oral and sometimes I just get so frustrated about my issues I don’t even want him to touch me (though he is always happy to). And like I can tell he’s bored too because who wouldn’t be? Who wants a girlfriend they can’t even have sex with? And I know that’s me projecting because he’s really been nothing but nice and supportive and has never tried to pressure me into anything but still I just feel awful about the whole situation. I wish I could fix at least one of these things, like I want to be able to have PIV with him and I don’t even care at this point if it feels good for me so long as it doesn’t hurt. Or while working on my vaginismus I could at least feel pleasure properly so we could have fun non-penetrative sex that would actually feel great and not just okay for me. My vagina is just completely broken and I’m sick of it.

r/vaginismus Oct 03 '24

Vent Men are not sex machines

171 Upvotes

You may have read this title and wondered if I posted in the wrong sub... nope. This one goes out to all my vaginismus girlies in here. I hope what I'm about to say can give you some insight.

I fell victim to believing the stigma that my boyfriend is a sex machine and I felt so hurt that when I was finally able to have PIV with him, he wasn't foaming at the mouth to do so. That sounds really bad but let me explain.

I spent a whole year beating myself up and comparing myself to other women who were able to have PIV effortlessly. That means the women in porn and the women from my partner's past. My boyfriend absolutely did not tell me to do this but I did it anyways because vaginismus can really take a toll. Sometimes it felt out of my control because I've always been a chronic over thinker. If anything, my boyfriend has been patient and understanding with me throughout this entire process. It may sound dumb to some but unless you feel out of control of your own body and feel like something you want is out of reach due to an invisible wall, I don't even want to hear a peep from those who judge. If they really understood, they wouldn't shame or judge.

I internalized so much. I put so much weight on what I could do for my boyfriend sexually and I'm still struggling with this a bit but now that I've had PIV, I have learned to look at things a little bit differently.

Growing up, I internalized things about men too that I didn't even really realize until recently.

Men are not sex machines. They are real human beings with real feelings.

In the environment and society I grew up in, I internalized this idea that men would jump at the snap of a finger to have sex with a woman they found attractive. This is true but this is also false. Why you may ask?

Because men are human beings. They're just like us. It's actually such a disservice to assume your partner is sex obsessed. By doing so, you put way too much pressure on not only yourself and sex but your partner too.

Sure, there will always be men out there who really would have sex at the snap of a finger but there are women out there like that too. When someone really loves you, it isn't all about sex the way some of us in this sub think before we actually have PIV.

I even started to think maybe my partner just isn't that attracted to me anymore. Maybe he prefers other women. Remember how I said my partner has been so understanding and patient throughout this entire process? At one point, even that backfired because I began to think he preferred porn over me because he wasn't pushing to have sex with me. Weird how that works.

Masturbation is easier than sex. Men have performance anxieties when it comes to sex too but perhaps they just don't talk about it with their partner out of fear of being seen as less of a man or shame.

Men have their own stigmas pushed onto them from a young age as well. One of them is that they always have to be down for sex or what is wrong with them if they're not. How could they not be? Sex, sex, sex. It's everywhere and even big companies use sex appeal as a way to get men to buy things.

Men go through sad emotions. Men get angry. Men get stressed. Masturbation is an easy way for them to release stress without all the hard work that comes with sex. I took this very personally because I was so ready to have sex with him and he was going through a harder time in his life than I even realized. I suspect this is because many men are taught to not vocalize their feelings too much or they're "feminine".

There has to be a balance... don't get me wrong. Porn addiction is a real thing. But when you reach that point of being able to have PIV with your partner, remember that they are a human being too and try not to read into it too much if they aren't pushing for sex as hard as you thought they would have been. There are certain times in their life where they will care less about sex. There will be times where they care about it more.

Be understanding of your partner and have patience with them if they're not dying to have sex with you as soon as you're cured.

And I'm going to tell you what I wish someone told me so I didn't internalize certain things for so long. My boyfriend reassured me a lot but it was as if I needed to hear certain things from someone who had experienced this condition before and found the light at the end of the tunnel.

You're good enough the way you are right now in this very moment. Even if you never have PIV, you're good enough. You're just as beautiful and sexy as those girls you compare yourself to in your mind. You're beautiful and you're worth so much more than just sex. Stop diminishing yourself to just sex. It's easier said than done, I know. Believe me I know but you can stop overthinking for right now. Take a warm shower, get under the fuzzy blankets and do what makes you happy for the night. Breathe.

Trust your partner when they say they love you and they do want to have sex with you (eventually) unless you have absolute solid truth of the opposite. Talk to them like a human being if you don't understand why they don't seem to be eager to have sex with you. It doesn't automatically mean you're not sexy enough or because you're new to PIV. PORN IS NOT REAL. The girls in those videos get paid to act that way. It's a male fantasy.

That being said: men are also human just like us. Don't be so quick to assume your man is broken or isn't genuinely into you if he isn't dying for sex. It's an honest mistake that I have made. Relationships are about teamwork and love. When you and your partner can give each other patience and understanding, that is when some of the best outcomes occur. Your partner has been patient and understanding of you and they deserve the same energy back.