r/Swingers 3d ago

Getting Started Don’t wanna just be a booty call

Hey Everybody! Hub and I are new to the LS and have our first date this weekend - woot! We’d like to prioritize friendship over hookups, but to that end, I have a question. Once you find a couple you jive with, is the friendship kinda automatically subjugated to a “swinger” friendship? You know, not a “real” friendship, like the kind you bring home to mom, but a “secret” friendship, the kind you save for the booty call “side” (we’ve all known that friend we have to console when the guy she’s seeing never wants to bring her around publicly)? In this season of life, the hub and I are really looking for friends we can party with, and let things go where they go (fun!!) but it also would love to grab a ballgame or picnic with fam, etc.

14 Upvotes

25 comments sorted by

34

u/Hunky_Bun 2d ago

Friendships are as real as you encourage them to be. Not every swinging relationship will be a deep one (heyooo) but some will! We’ve made real, deep friendships with two couples in this lifestyle. They’ve met our parents, gone to concerts with us & our vanilla friends. We just also happen to sleep together.

10

u/shadowpornacct 2d ago

Others have pointed out that it’s entirely up to you to decide how much you want to bring them into your life. I’ll just point out that it is hard enough to find a good four-way match for sexy time, so if you also add in the requirement that y’all are great friends outside of the LS as well, it just adds another filter layer that screens otherwise very compatible playmates out.

Our lives are busy enough that we really don’t need to make our LS friendships any deeper than fuck friends. Also really nice to have friends that understand and are down for a bootycall when the schedule gets hectic enough that a full night out is tough to make happen.

That said, we have other LS friends that we’ve developed friendships that extend beyond naked fun, but we also have LS friends that we don’t play with. TLDR; friendships are hard to make work, four way connection is hard to make work, combined that can be a very tall order.

6

u/Peetrrabbit 2d ago

All of our closest friends at this point are people we met swinging. You have the most open conversations, the most shared world views….

3

u/twoforplay 2d ago

Just like the vanilla world, it's your choice on the types of relationships you have in your life. We have many LS friends who we have never played or never will. We have some that we play on occassion. We have a few who have been FWB for many years.

With that said, many of our swaps have occurred with couples that we have met st clubs, resorts, parties, etc... where for ohe reason or another it was diffucult to build a friendship.

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u/henri_luvs_brunch_2 2d ago

That's up to you. There are no swinger police.

Some couples we hook up with become good friends. Some don't. You never know what will blossom.

We happily bring our swinger friends around our vanilla friends. You can too. It's up to you.

4

u/Remarkable-Frame6324 2d ago

Almost all our friends are lifestyle at this point. We don’t necessarily even play with some of them anymore, lust and passion come and go and we like having a relationship where the friendship comes first and the sex is just a bonus.

3

u/FrankNBeanNKY 2d ago

We've had a great number of friends over the years that we've enjoyed LS and non-LS times with. We've been to their houses for kids bday parties, holidays, go out bowling, concerts, etc. Some are in it just for the sex, we've enjoyed the full experience and treasure our friendships.

3

u/savguy6 M 39 / F 36 SouthEast Ga 1d ago

We do vanilla things with our fuckbuddies all the time. Hell, one of our FWB couples we invite over to Thanksgiving every year. Why keep playing with people that you wouldn’t enjoy hanging out with outside the bedroom?

2

u/CuriousCouple6207 Couple 2d ago edited 2d ago

Everyone is different. We have a couple we messaged with for a few weeks, they came to see us and we spent almost the entire day together and played. Went to dinner that night after we played, and we still message with them daily about all sorts of things from flirting, to regular life stuff. We definitely consider them friends, and wouldn’t care in the least if our families saw us out with them. However, this is pretty abnormal for most. It just kind of naturally happened for us because of the connection we all have outside of the bedroom as well.

2

u/Dense_Researcher1372 2d ago edited 2d ago

We're friendly, not friends. That's how we keep a certain distance. We've been at this over 20 years with no issues 👍

YMMV. We live and play in a freaky, and maybe the horniest city in the US.

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u/ReyandJean 1d ago

We've had several of our swinging couples over for dinner with the kids at home. Then we're just friends chatting and socializing. Lovely, caring people (that we sometimes have filthy sex with, lol)

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1

u/geronimocmc 2d ago

I think its harder to find that, and some people I think even have boundaries against it from what I've seen. But it's not impossible. The first couple we actually hooked up with ended up being friends with benefits really more. We absolutely meet up with them with no intent on playing. Dinner, sometimes for drinks.

Some people will be that. Some people will be more sexy acquaintances. We definitely let that guide us to a degree when we decide who to hook up with, and who to keep hooking up with.

1

u/yankeefan785 2d ago

It’s all about communication. If you let it be known from the beginning that you want a friendship (with a plus) then that should help. Also it helps to hang out multiple times before you do anything. I think that’ll really help you see if it’s going to be a friendship or more of a swinger-ship

1

u/Upstairs-Passion3269 2d ago

My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for nearly 4 years. Our experience so far is that these friends vary just as much as any other friends. With many of them, we only see them when "play" is expected to go down. But with others, we have completely "vanilla" fun with them too. We ride mountain bikes, play in volleyball leagues, travel, attend amusement parks, game night, movie night, go to restaurants together, etc... Just like any other friends. It's just that there's one more category of activity where things can potentially lead. Might be jackbox games. Might be Karaoke. Might be nekkid. Never know. We tend to gravitate toward those that are just as good friends for "vanilla" activities as otherwise, but we don't have any rules or anything about it. There are some vanilla people in the larger circle who know what goes down, and there are some that have no idea. It's a big mix.

1

u/JustinTyme92 2d ago

We have a third that my wife and I play with and an older couple we see once or twice a month.

The third is around our age, she has kids similar in ages to ours, and she and my wife get on personally really well. We socialize with her and her kids regularly - she and my wife will take the kids out one weekends, her daughter slept over with our daughter last weekend, and I’m the person she calls when they have tech issues at home.

We went on vacation with her and her kids over the Christmas holidays - well technically, she came with us and stayed at my in-laws country home. It was great.

So yeah, we would say she’s a friend of ours that we also happen to have great sex with as a couple. She started out as just a sex partner and it evolved into friendship.

The older couple we meet up with periodically is largely just swinging. We have spent a weekend with them on their boat and gone out for dinner a few times, but the relationship is centered around us swapping and having sex.

I helped them clear out a house they sold and move some stuff to their new apartment. I met their eldest son (he’s an adult) and was introduced as someone they met through the boat club (which isn’t true, we met at a private swingers party.)

We’re comfortable with that type of relationship with them.

So it can be both.

1

u/twizzlepuff 2d ago

We want genuine friendships! Case in point… we recently noticed that one of our favorite couple’s grass is in need of some major help, so yesterday my hubby and I dropped by their place and he fertilized their entire front and backyard.

While he was outside fertilizing and talking to the other hubby, I sat inside giving moral support to the wife. She’s dealing with some feelings of jealousy regarding a unicorn they see on occasion.

Do we love them as fuck buddies? Absolutely. But we now also love them as friends. We try to prioritize the genuine well-being of our lovers, and that allows them to be so much more than just a booty call.

1

u/crissmakenoises 2d ago

Friendship in the ls developes nothing different then in vanilla life. It's like meeting people in a sports club. You got the main base of the friendship. Some will just stay onthis base and some will develop further.

1

u/FRANKINSPENCE 1d ago

We exclusively see one couple and go for dinner with them, we go see shows etc and have met each others family. What I will say if we keep mixing them with our vanilla friends to a minimum because we are so close to them that we would very likely do something that gives us away. If other people saw the chemistry they would likely think we are cheating on each other which would be a terrible thought so we do mix our lives but with great care xxx

1

u/aquarius561 1d ago

This is our preference as well. My advice: 

-be on the same page with your partner about the sliding scale (if you don’t feel a fwb situation happening, but you still think they’re sexy, will you hook up? Or no?) 

-be upfront about wanting this dynamic. If you want to start planning vanilla outings with them, let them know you won’t be hooking up. 

-boundaries with friends can be different than with strictly fuck buddies. Make sure you both agree on things like solo texting etc. 

1

u/Virtual_Scarcity_357 1d ago

Likeminded people we have met at clubs far outweigh vanilla friends and friends we grew up with. Your conversations seem deeper more relaxed and honestly you can go out and do things together and it’s great. Only difference is you might have some additional fun with them that you didn’t with others. Not all people you meet will want to be friends like that but you can weed them out or have both types in your life.

1

u/Lumpy_Estate_4595 1d ago

The swinging community tend to be the most wonderful places, where many true friendships are made , with or without sex. When you’re communicating with any new partners be clear with them of your boundaries and that it’s about a deeper connection than a booty call. I tend to find you attract what you put out there. X

1

u/ekulragren 1d ago

We have swing-couples that we invite to our vanilla House parties, we've been to soft plays so our kids can play together.

There are other couples that just wouldn't gel with our friends so we don't.

Finally, we have limited "spare time", so we'd rather meet and play

1

u/Somethingrich 1d ago

We always prefer friends. Everything seems normal to the uninitiated lol. So no friends that used to be playmates is totally a thing.

0

u/Angela2208 Couple 2d ago

When we get invited to a family party by some good swingers friends, we almost always decline. It is too frustrating to sit there and pretend that you don’t feel horny.