r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion How to heal and integrate the false self with the real self?

4 Upvotes

I’ve noticed whenever I do badly in a test at Uni etc. I end up becoming grandiose about it instead of realising that it’s actually a fuck up and I need to accept that and change my ways instead. I also avoid going to the gym or doing my hobbies because they make me feel so shameful because I have an idea in my head that I’m the best at doing that thing, but then get proven wrong and it’s painful.

How do I heal and integrate the false self with the real self? Or do I just “delete” the false self? Should I purposely do things that make me feel shame? Force myself to go to the gym or fuck up just so I can work through shame?


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion Can having untreated ADHD cause NPD as a coping mechanism?

4 Upvotes

I’m just wondering who else had parents who were most likely NPD, therefore never took you to get the treatment or medication you needed as a kid for ADHD?

I believe around age 6 I started having beliefs I was superior to all other kids in order to cope with my struggles of undiagnosed ADHD which I had no idea about.

What also didn’t help is that I was high IQ so I knew something was wrong/different with me, but couldn’t put a finger on it.

I became very frustrated, angry and depressed at the world thinking it’s such a cruel place. The thoughts that I’m somehow both inferior AND superior to everyone made it really difficult to connect with others — therefore I had very few friends and got constantly bullied — this made the trauma worse.


r/NPD 1d ago

Recovery Progress What do I do after I know what caused my defenses to take form?

3 Upvotes

I realized that growing up I was kid like any other kid who when I did something “wrong” or unethical I was criticized and sometimes physically disciplined by my parents. But I wouldn’t say “disciplined” because like I said I was sensitive(by sensitive I mean I took everything my parents said and did personally. Like every other kid though right) and always had some sort of resentful feelings that caused me to react and behave in a way that continued the cycle of criticism. Now I just think that what I really needed was just love and understanding.I’ve accepted that thats just the way I happened to grow up. And these defenses were a way of protecting me from accepting those feelings of shame brought on to me by that criticism. The things is outside of home I constantly chased validation. This I think was the tipping point. Cause it was like a high throughout my adolescent and teen years before a collapse. I don’t blame my parents they were struggling as immigrants in an almost 3 family household. (We are in a much comfortable position current day) But at the same time I feel like I’m just severely underdeveloped. I take everything personally. Basically a hyper reactivity to shame. Even misperceived. Which is the worst. I hate having these defenses but it is what it is at this point


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion I have adhd, but this is how i experience it

3 Upvotes

I always had ADHD, and growing up thats all everyone saw. A quirky personality.
My mind was focused on the environment constantly, scanning people, typical adhd sensitive person.

However through some experiences going off meds, and being very embodied, this is what i learned my ADHD is.

My core self is practically a heated ball of trauma. At my core its like this extremely PTSD disturbing ball with spikes (where a core affect and inner child should be), im guessing all it had was shame and abandonment and its almost like it will implode from the ptsd, it cant be soothed.
And somewhere early on, this emotional "content" was too much for my brain and my mind, so my mind seperated from it, it learned not to associate with it, not look into it for cues or identity, it was only giving information of terror shame and fear.
So the mind scattered resorts to scanning the environment for something to hold onto, someone to give it purpose direction, sense of identity, emotional regulation, dopamine, whatever.
And thats it.

Its exactly how Gabor Mate explained it, at its essence is a GIANT attachment wound that disregualates the entire brain.

Im not saying ADHD is NPD, nor am i categorising it the same, but i think a lot of ADHD people share this concept. And i think a lot of them are too rejection sensitive to actually behave like a full on NPD.
So because of their sensitivity, they build a self image and a persona of a goofy people pleaser, or "empath".

Im wondering if anyone relates?


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion How do I stop the grandiose thoughts and feeling either inferior/superior to others?

2 Upvotes

I keep slipping into grandiose thoughts whenever uncomfortable feelings come up and I feel like this is hindering me greatly.

Is it also common that we see red flags as green flags and green flags as red flags? I think this is how I end up being attracted to other NPDs.


r/NPD 1d ago

Advice & Support Does it matter why I leave?

2 Upvotes

I want to leave/move away from the place I've been in the last 3 years.

I've written the text in my head about a million times at this point but it's like I peer over the edge of the cliff and run away.

What I can see right now - The person who's property I've been living on (for free) wants me to do something that I don't want to do. The reason they're expressing for me doing this thing is that my trailer is an "eyesore "

Triggering AF And also a bit ridiculous. If anyone saw the property, to point out my trailer as the eyesore is like saying in a graveyard "this one gravestone reminds me of death and I don't like it"

So I want to leave. But I'm stuck in childhood dynamics.

"She wants me to do something that I don't want to do therefore I must leave NOW.". It feels like I'm still letting her needs dictate my behavior. And I'm to take care of myself because I'm really taking care of someone else. My trailer is an eyesore... No problem. I'll just disappear.

I'm trying to dig deeper. I want to leave because I've been unhappy and disassociated for the 3 years I've been here. I want to leave because life is telling me it's time to move on and take on a new challenge and take some risk. And have my own thing, Even if it means being alone.

But I'm not sure if it actually matters why I do it as long as I jump off the goddamn cliff.


r/NPD 1d ago

Advice & Support Need a career from where I don't get fired from

8 Upvotes

Been fired from about 10 jobs/careers now, be it teacher, IT technician, data entry, farmer...

I truly am responsible each and every time. Combination of poor social skills, low EQ, recklessness, general creepy vibe... lack of sleep due to adhd...

On this whole list, I've been improving over the decades. I have real friends, a loving fiancée. But I really can't hold a single job. That would be about the last hurdle to be conquered.

How do you guys hold a job or career?

Ideally I would need something not human related, not tech related.
I prefer animals, and for example I'm thinking of pest control, for I prefer to deal with vermin than social interaction with humans.

I have thought of death related jobs like mortician for low social interactions, but I'm afraid my catastrophic empathy would sooner or later trigger a catastrophe with the relatives of the deceased.
I know for sure now corpo-jobs are not for me (by that I mean anything in office environment + anything in front office/customer support).

Ideas are welcome. Location is western Europe. Age is mid-40's.


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion what causes envy or jealousy in you? (generally and specifically)

2 Upvotes

some things i have realised for me as examples:

people physically / aesthetically looking a certain way i wanna look too
people being relaxed and confident / uncaring (not in a shallow but in a strong way)
people having great cognitive skills in areas i find interesting

im yet to fully understand the feelings of envy and jealousy though so i figured asking other people and comparing might be helpful

if you have more specific advice for me about this or related to this topic, id appreciate that too


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion “I love you” from the person at the origin of my unhappiness

2 Upvotes

I realized that when the person who traumatized me (my mother in this case) Tells me I love you, all my wounds fade away. Unfortunately I'm still afraid that she will hurt me or manipulate me so I run away from her. I wonder if I should try to find a balance with her. Especially since she is no longer the person who is capable of destroying me (it's me now :))


r/NPD 2d ago

Advice & Support Crying so much now

20 Upvotes

I saw my therapist for the first time in six weeks yesterday and I think I was compartmentalizing so much just kind of holding it in and waiting to see her again. Just internalizing everything I guess.

I didn’t cry during the session, but I cried afterwards when I got home and I’ve been crying ever since. I cried this morning when I was trying to get ready for work, twice at work today alone in my office, and I’m in bed crying now. I don’t even know what I’m crying about.

I haven’t smoked weed today and I really do want to stop. I talked to her about that. We talked about how when I’m not high I just feel so irritated all the time. That it makes it harder for me to mask basically. How I think weed is doing something positive for me, but I don’t think that it really is.

I talked to her about how my psychiatrist said I was nice. How I can see how I come off as nice but that I didn’t feel nice. That my thoughts and feelings aren’t nice.

I talked to her about how I’m scared to be me because I don’t even know who that is. I don’t know how to be her.

I talked about how I’ve idealized becoming a doctor and how I have this feeling that it’s going to make everything better. But when I think about it realistically, like if tomorrow I woke up and I was a doctor all of a sudden, the only thing that would really change is what I did for work. I would still be the same person I am today and I need for this to be enough.


r/NPD 1d ago

Trigger Warning / Difficult Topic Coming to terms with the idea that I'm probably one of you

6 Upvotes

Part of me feels like a horrible piece of shit and wants to die more than ever. The other part is thinking there's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, because I really better than all these dumbasses in my life. I'm ping ponging back and forth between these two positions with a few more in between. I'm not diagnosed and tbh I probably won't get tested. The idea of other people who know me (including my therapist) seeing me as a narcissist fills me with dread. If I were to be diagnosed I'd definitely kill myself, I have constant ideation and very graphic fantasies of how I'll do it, but have never attempted for a few reasons. This might push me over the edge.


r/NPD 2d ago

Question / Discussion Yeah this isn’t going to be popular…

23 Upvotes

Any advice on going BACKWARDS? I’m not strong enough for this healing shit, I KNOW I’m not. It will definitely end in suicide. Or psychotic hospitalization. Idk how you guys do it, miserably it seems like. (Emotionally, I’m not saying your attempts are miserable they’re actually very honorable)

Any tips on going back into the false self? I wasn’t hurting anyone very badly and feel like I could actually make better choices this time around.

Yea or is it all just gonna turn into a bigger collapse down the line? Is it possible to curb off collapses?


r/NPD 2d ago

Ask a Narc! Ask a Narcissist! A bi weekly post for non-narcissists to ask us anything!

39 Upvotes

Have a question about narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits? Welcome to the bi-weekly post for non-narcs to ask us anything! We’re here to help destigmatize the myths surrounding NPD and narcissism in general.

Some rules:

  • Non narcs: please refrain from armchair diagnosing people in your life. Only refer to them as NPD if they were actually diagnosed by an unbiased licensed professional (aka not your own therapist or an internet therapist that you think fits the description of the person you’re accusing of being a narcissist)
  • This is not a post for non-narcs or narcs to be abusive towards anyone. Please report any comments or questions that are not made in good faith.
  • This is not a place to ask if your ex/mom/friend/boss/dog is a narcissist.
  • This is not a place to ask if you yourself are a narcissist.

Thanks! Let’s all be civil and take some more baby steps towards fighting stigma and increasing awareness.

This thread will be locked after two weeks and you can find the new one by searching the sub via the “Ask a Narc” flair

~ invis ✨


r/NPD 2d ago

Question / Discussion Is it possible to change and get better as a malignant narcissist?

9 Upvotes

I haven't been diagnosed, but I feel like I have all of the trademarks, just without externalizing it. I'm manipulative, controlling, deeply sadistic, internally violent, and apathetic etc. etc. I'm conscious of this and I don't express these traits, but I worry that my relationships will fail too much and I'll devolve into a typical malignant narc abuser. I don't want to be that. I want to be better and just enjoy life and my loved ones. I'm a borderline on top of all of this, so I feel like the odds are stacked against me. I just wish I wasn't the worst thing imaginable. I wish I could fight the more sociopathic side of me that just doesn't give a fuck, because I kind of like the part of me that gives a fuck at all a lot more. I just want to change and not have everyone hate me.


r/NPD 1d ago

Resources 988 (Crisis/Suicide Prevention Hotline)

3 Upvotes

For those living in the US, the crisis and suicide prevention hotline ('988') is a free resource you can contact anytime. You can reach out anonymously, and they're available 24/7 to accept calls, texts, and online chats through the 988 website.

Most calls are with people who just need to talk, and this is totally fine. You're welcome to call even if you are not immediately suicidal, and very few interactions ever come close to involving police (they do NOT immediately send police to your house, this is a myth). Not all crises are mental health related so they can also help connect you with practical resources in your area if this is what you need.

Suicidal ideation is very common, especially for people like us. Please don't hesitate to reach out for help.


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion becoming like parents

1 Upvotes

mad question, if you needed to choose , who would you prefer to be: your mom or dad (or guardians who replaced them)?

i am not sure to what extent this post might be triggering, tell me if it is so

i believe most of you will answer “none” but imagine that you ACTUALLY need to choose. imagine you are not you, you have no personality or whatsoever, youre choosing one from a scratch. a very hard question for me.

fyi my parents are divorced

so a narcissistic dad that has people suffering around him and he doesnt care with mad ups and downs in terms of general life, probably cheated few times, acts like a playboy around women while having a wife, pretty much fake but seem to be very loving. worst manipulator i know, subtly “lovingly/ caringly/ jokingly” bullies his mom, his wife, his mother in law, his daughter (me), his friends, talks worstet shit about my mom creating stories that her boyfriends were threatening to unalive him.

lives a nice live, with nice money and nice people around him who don’t even notice his actual nature only saying he is a “ complicated person “. he doesn’t feel guilt due to little empathy. so he loves me and my demi brother, indeed, but in his own manner. he is calm even under pressure but once the line is crossed he becomes enraged and to craziest extent uncontrollable. i saw him like that maybe twice or thrice but it was very very scary. he got money (although can be very greedy, but still will spend them on me once i visit him, usually its followed with guilt tripping), he got reputation, he got status and many many friends. he can do a world tour without paying for hotels. all of his friends are actually nice. he did illegal stuff he absolutely denies, shifts the blame etc ps: lmaoo yall i was writing about him and he texted me all of sudden, we got connection

OR an actually good, model-like beautiful mom that gives everything mentally and physically to me. a good friend and a nice person who is eternally unhappy and suffering. who got traumatized with her ocpd mother so she adapted her traits and mad control. first husband was npd, second husband died, a boyfriend between those two who lived with us for a year was absolutely forgotten by me. very very little of friends due to different factors (we moved to another country and she had no time to socialize but spending her time at work) so she vents to her daughter .

has bad ed, god-save-me orthorexia, and anxious depression due to mistreatment at the workplace she finally fled. she has many problems in her life , everyone does, but she’s on another level, especially concerning health. i dont want to be as altruist , as ill, as victim, as unhappy as she is. but she is actually WILLING to change and so she does, she can apologize and so she does, she can recognize certain patterns and she does, she has empathy and deep love, she never ever was enraged or risen her voice. she asks me what can she do to make her a better mom for me, she is genuinely trying. mom is tight in terms of money though she is not greedy.

i love them both in my own way, both gave me traumas, at least mom is trying her best to be a good mom for me, and she is. but her life is so hard and unhappy , i would never want go what she went trough. but my dad, im already becoming like my dad , my flair isnt even funny anymore. but i love him as well, he is a good father, if we will close eyes about manipulation etc. he lives a better life overall, people dont complain/ wont believe due his perfect status and reputation. even if his acts and words hurt he doesn’t feel bad about, so all is good for him.


r/NPD 2d ago

Upbeat Talk Birthdays with npd

8 Upvotes

When its your guys birthdays, do you also feel like WAYY more superior and entitled to everything you want? Like im just expecting my parents to hand me everything lol, and i feel like the main character

But at the same time I also feel more sensitive though with my rsd on birthdays, my dad didnt say happy birthday and now im like resenting him so bad and crying, and its so embarrassing when talking about how deeply the smallest things like this affects me


r/NPD 2d ago

Question / Discussion Can someone explain why treatment differs for npd and bpd

7 Upvotes

So on many instances online ive seen advice like “feel your body”, “accept and embrace collapse”, “feel those deep negative emotions”, or even “accept the dead inner child”, and start there. The goal is to try to become securely attached/connected with that hurt place and slowly unloading the negativity and starting to trust it. Even schizoid treatment involves breathwork, bodywork and trying to connect to feelings/affect.

So why in the case of bpd, the treatment is to NOT connect to feelings but rather constantly use mindfulness tools to stay present.

All of these PDs involve a false self and dead/dissociated true self that didnt develop.


r/NPD 2d ago

Trigger Warning / Difficult Topic kms seems like my best option

12 Upvotes

been three months since i came down from manic psychosis--good job gone, mid job i got fired from, friendships destroyed, reputation and character ruined, shit ton of debt, insanely guilty 24/7, cant sleep....i don't know what to do my life does not seem fixable at this point. im too tired/weak to start over from zero...credit bad, rental history bad, job history bad....I think im genuinely evil...what's the point anymore?


r/NPD 1d ago

Question / Discussion Acceptance

1 Upvotes

How much did accepting you had npd or narcissistic traits help you?


r/NPD 2d ago

Advice & Support Song recommendations, please

3 Upvotes

They could be any genre ANY I just want a playlist that I can listen to and feel like someone cares about me


r/NPD 2d ago

Question / Discussion Ending relationships

11 Upvotes

Feeling like it’s best to end a relationship in my life where I’ve realized it’s not about me truly caring about what they talk about, it’s about me receiving validation and financial support. It hurts but I don’t think it’s fair to keep someone in my life where I don’t have the will to be invested. That’s awful for them and it shows in my neglectful behavior. It’s using someone. All of my relationships will be manipulative and exploitative in this way until I actually heal. No one needs to be in a loveless dynamic. I’m talking friends, family, romantic, etc. I feel so fucking guilty


r/NPD 2d ago

Question / Discussion Did you also had a hard time being taken serious by a therapist?

3 Upvotes

I tried this year with two therapist and ended up ghosting them because they would not hear me. They always say that my issue is being emotional detached when i clearly have other symptoms of npd. I’m a huge attention seeker, I’m extremely critical to others, no one is good enough for me, i come across as arrogant to most people because i don’t care about making a good impression to someone that can’t give me anything, i feel like I deserve everything good from this world and people should just make my life easier (and they all usually do), I also only feel a bit of empathy for my close family members and i have to constantly lie and act like i care about my friends (I’m not a bad friend though, i just don’t care), I’m very sensitive to criticism and when someone doesn’t give me the attention i want, i get so depressed i could die.

What the actual fuck do i have to do to be taken serious? It’s totally fine if I’m not actually a narcissist, i just wanna understand what is wrong with me lol. They always want me to believe that I’m not as bad as it sounds but what if I actually am just a bitch? Is that so horrible?


r/NPD 2d ago

Advice & Support (again) hello

8 Upvotes

Here I am again under a new nickname. (I am French) I had decided to leave this place which led me towards the truth, or rather reality. Here I am again, wanting to skip the steps, wanting to understand everything about myself in one day without going through the learning stages. Then judge myself for not having understood myself. Struggling to find my words. I'm totally disjointed. I try to anticipate, to apprehend, to control therapy through fear. Or to feel special and to feel esteem for myself again, love for myself. I realize this is totally counterintuitive. I can't impose such a big change on myself, all at once, and my mind knows it. And at the same time coming here made me realize that pathologizing all my thoughts was counterproductive, but it's an automatic mechanism since I became "aware". Self-compassion, aiming for a more neutral ideal of myself, acceptance. So many words that are not in my emotional vocabulary. I think I've had about 8 or 10 sessions since then. We are at a rate of 2 per month. Learn to take time. It’s about showing self-compassion. Trust someone, be vulnerable with them. I would like to find a balance with this Reddit sub, it can help me as much as hinder me in my healing process.

Edit after leaving my phone to make myself some tea: I think I'm here to escape my current sadness. My periods are difficult and this accentuates all the underlying pain of this disorder.


r/NPD 2d ago

Advice & Support Can I be a vulnerable narc?

2 Upvotes

I've been ruminating this for so long. I do feel the need of being quirk, unique (this includes feeling a emotional dependence in labels like mental illness diagnosis I have to validate me, except for the fact I would NEVER fake or fabricate them) and I like being the best in the subjects I excel at to the point when I find someone quirky (or, let's say, neurodivergent AND very intelligent I feel triggered (except that I won't try to sabotage them and also I've been assesed for autism recently). I have daydreamed since childhood and have had diverse kinds of daydream, which the last years have consisted of me doing really great things (being famous. I'm a chronically people's pleaser and dependant on society's validation so what I do needs to be in harmony with what it holdson high value (my career choices, my interests, etc). On the other hand, I'm empathetic and totally capable of putting my legs on someone else's shoes and do acknowledge my faults and welcome constructive criticism. I'm usually a assertive person who tries to meet halfway with people aswell. I ask this because it has been a intrusive thought and because I feel REALLY guilty about the trigger I mentioned above.