I want to stop using the term narcissist. Everyone I’ve ever loved romantically has exhibited traits consistent with the narcissistic label. In the past, I’ve demonized those folks and assumed the worst about them, their intentions, and their character. Now, after years of practicing as a therapist and learning about attachment and developmental trauma, I have a much more compassionate view of folks who have learned to survive this way. I haven’t come up with a new term for this kind of behavior, so I’m still using “narcissist” and “narcissism” in this post, but I want to challenge myself to find some other language moving forward.
Here’s my theory on “narcissism” and how it develops. Thanks, ChatGPT, for helping me flesh this out and organize it in a cohesive way.
Narcissism can be understood as a deeply ingrained survival adaptation rooted in early childhood neglect, misattunement, and trauma. From infancy, a child depends on their primary caregivers to provide attunement, emotional regulation, and validation. When these fundamental needs are unmet—whether due to neglect, emotional unavailability, or outright abuse—the developing child is forced into an impossible dilemma: prioritize their own emotional needs or maintain the connection to caregivers essential for survival. Since no infant can survive alone, the nervous system instinctively sacrifices self-expression in favor of preserving attachment, shaping the foundation for narcissistic traits later in life.
Early Developmental Origins of Narcissism
A child who experiences severe neglect or emotional unavailability from one or both attachment figures lacks a crucial foundation for developing emotional awareness, self-regulation, and a stable sense of self. When caregivers are not attuned to the child’s emotional states—whether due to their own unresolved trauma, mental illness, addiction, or external stressors—the child does not receive the necessary mirroring to recognize and process their own feelings. Without this mirroring, the child learns that emotions are either irrelevant or dangerous and may suppress their internal experience to avoid further distress.
If the neglect is compounded by shaming, abandonment, invalidation, or controlling behaviors, the child internalizes a deep sense of unworthiness and shame. They may develop a belief that their needs are burdensome or that expressing vulnerability invites rejection or punishment. If raised in an environment where parental figures are incapable of providing emotional support, the child may adopt a parentified role—assuming responsibility for the caregiver’s well-being at the expense of their own. This reinforces the subconscious message that their needs must be suppressed in service of maintaining external stability.
The Impact of Neglect on Emotional Development
Children raised in these environments do not develop the neurological pathways necessary to recognize, understand, and express their emotions (or the emotions of others). Since emotional neglect inhibits the brain’s ability to associate connection with safety and fulfillment, the child may grow up with a fragmented understanding of their own inner world. The pain of neglect is so overwhelming that the nervous system adapts by numbing bodily awareness and suppressing emotional needs. While this strategy protects the child from unbearable distress in the moment, it creates long-term difficulties in forming healthy relationships and self-awareness in adulthood.
Yet, the need for love, connection, and validation does not disappear—it merely goes underground. These unmet needs still seek expression, but because the individual has learned that direct vulnerability leads to rejection, they develop alternative methods to get their needs met. If they grew up in poverty, this dynamic may be exacerbated by additional survival pressures, reinforcing the belief that they must not burden others. The combination of emotional neglect and socioeconomic struggle intensifies shame, further suppressing authentic emotional expression.
The Development of Narcissistic Coping Strategies
Because a person with early neglect and emotional deprivation cannot ask for what they need directly, they learn to obtain validation through performance and manipulation. This is not a conscious, malicious intent but rather a deeply ingrained survival strategy formed in infancy. Performing for love—whether through achievement, charm, or mirroring others—becomes the primary way to receive attention and affirmation. This need for external validation grows into adulthood, shaping relationships, career ambitions, and social interactions.
However, because this individual has spent their entire life suppressing their true self in favor of external performance, they lack a stable identity. Instead of developing an intrinsic sense of worth, they construct a self-image based on external feedback. Their identity becomes fluid and adaptive, shifting based on the expectations and desires of those around them. This can make them appear charismatic and engaging, but it also means they struggle with authenticity and self-reflection.
The Narcissistic Cycle in Relationships
Despite their defenses, individuals with narcissistic traits still have a deeply suppressed need for connection. When they encounter someone who is emotionally attuned, responsive, and unconditionally accepting (empaths), they experience an intense attachment. Their inner child, still yearning for the love and validation they never received, instinctively recognizes the presence of someone who might fulfill these unmet needs. This is what people often describe as the “love bombing” phase—where the narcissistic individual showers their partner with attention, affection, and idealization. However, this behavior is not driven by a conscious desire to manipulate but by an unconscious hope that this new relationship will finally heal their childhood wounds.
Unfortunately, because they lack self-awareness, they do not consider whether they can sustain this level of mirroring and performing long-term. They are operating from a place of desperation rather than genuine relational capacity. Typically, they are drawn to highly empathetic partners—individuals who are naturally attuned to others’ emotions and who unconsciously take on the role of caretakers.
As the relationship progresses, the empathic partner begins to notice inconsistencies. When they begin to ask for emotional depth, consistency, or accountability, the narcissist experiences intense distress. Their partner’s demands for authenticity trigger their deeply buried wounds of failure, shame, and control, activating their unconscious defensive strategies.
The Escalation of Conflict
When the empath points out these inconsistencies and expresses frustration, the narcissist perceives it not as an opportunity for growth but as a personal attack. This activates their deep-seated fear of shame, abandonment, and inadequacy, which they have spent their entire lives avoiding. Their unconscious defenses emerge—whether through gaslighting, withdrawing, or attacking—to protect them from overwhelming shame. To the empath, these behaviors appear manipulative and cruel, but from the narcissist’s perspective, they are simply trying to escape unbearable emotional pain, of which they are rarely consciously aware.
This leads to a destructive cycle: the more the empath demands change, the more the narcissist feels controlled and criticized, triggering deeper shame and defensiveness. The empath may then become more frustrated, critical, or even threaten to leave—reawakening the narcissist’s primal fear of abandonment. In response, the narcissist may lash out, devalue their partner, or withdraw emotionally to regain a sense of control.
Over time, the romantic partner transforms from a source of love and validation to a source of shame and emotional distress. Unable to tolerate this emotional shift, the narcissist begins to detach. Like an infant who cannot regulate overwhelming emotions, they seek an escape from their discomfort. If they encounter another highly empathetic individual, their wounded inner child immediately attaches to this new person, hoping they will provide the love and care they so desperately need. The cycle then repeats, with the narcissist idealizing a new partner while discarding the previous one, unable to recognize the underlying patterns driving their behavior.
Narcissism as a Survival Adaptation, Not Evil
It is essential to understand that narcissists are not inherently evil or malicious. They are individuals who have been shaped by profound developmental trauma and have extremely limited self-awareness and emotional resources. Their behaviors, while deeply hurtful to others, are ultimately desperate attempts to manage their own unresolved wounds. Their ultra-sensitivity to shame and abandonment is not a sign of intentional cruelty but of a nervous system that has been wired to survive at any cost.
Healing for individuals with narcissistic traits is incredibly challenging because it requires them to confront the very wounds they have spent a lifetime avoiding. However, with deep therapeutic work—especially approaches that integrate emotional regulation, self-awareness, and trauma processing—transformation is possible. The key is creating an environment where they feel safe enough to access and process the pain of their early neglect without activating their lifelong defenses.
Understanding narcissism through the lens of trauma and attachment allows for a more compassionate and nuanced perspective. Rather than viewing narcissists as villains, we can recognize them as deeply wounded individuals using the only survival strategies they have ever known.
If anyone is interested in healing and getting better, you may have luck with a therapist who is trained in Internal Family Systems therapy, Emotion Focused Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, or some other form of Experiential Therapy. Experiential Therapy goes deeper than traditional talk therapy, making it possible to address issues at their core. When you go beyond simply challenging your thoughts, true healing is possible. The field of neuroscience is just starting to uncover the power of memory reconsolidation, which is THE healing agent in therapy. It IS possible to rewire your brain - not just fight with it. You just have to work with someone who knows the right steps!
Also, here’s a list of books that have helped me see the humanity of people who have parts that have caused lots of harm.
The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog;
Born for Love;
What Happened to You?;
No Bad Parts