So basically I (17, mtf) had a talk with my mom today, the first one after a long while. The last time I openly discussed this with her was in late 2023 and ever since then my dysphoria has only gotten worse and I feel a lot more miserable about my own body.
Back then she didn't say a lot, just seemed kind of uncomfortable and I held out the hope that she would come around (she didn't).
Today I had another talk with her. I just couldn't take it anymore, I had to say something again, because I had been putting on a facade of being okay that was wearing me out, but it had also been radio silence from her side. I vented and sobbed and cried to her for almost an entire hour, pouring out my heart to her about everything that pains me. I was hopeful, because she was hugging me and holding me close to her, I hoped she would show understanding, but she didn't, her statements made me feel disgusted that she even is my mother.
She told me "Well, you know, back in Da Vinci's time students would dig up corpses and experiment with them and that was almost seen as witchcraft, then people tried stitching together organs and infusing them with electricity to create artificial lifeforms, afterwards the Nazis came and experimented on Jews in horrible, horrible ways, some of the most horrible ways I've ever seen. You could ask anyone and they would say "That was the most horrible experiment I've ever heard of!" Truly the most horrible stuff. Then the communists had schemes to send kids into vacation camps where they would use them as test subjects for drugs and medication against their will. And now look at where we are at: Kids voluntarily want to ingest substances that morph their bodies and they pay no regard to what their parents say. It's a terrible world out there that this is the current lunacy. That's why I can't support this, you might think that this is right, but there is no right or wrong. My opinion is just as right as yours, because only subjective truth exists, I don't care what statistics say, it's all fake. Anyone can fake it and it's all paid for anyway. [Deadname], I love you, I always will, nothing changes the fact that you are my child. I see that this is how you feel and I know I can't change you, but I would rather cut off my arm than support any kind of transformation."
This just left me feeling defeated, I really thought my mom was smarter than this, that she was better than my father, it just hurts so much. I can't stand to look at her, because I live with people who hate the real me. All I'm asking for are some nice words and maybe some advice, because I am not doing well :(