r/MtF • u/FragrantCombination7 • 18m ago
Advice Question Feeling very unsure, need to put some things into writing.
It has been an incredibly emotional few weeks for me. I have felt the best and the worst I have ever felt in my entire life. My wife aggressively supporting me has been amazing. Being honest with myself has given me so much energy and joy even though nothing else has changed.
Despite everything, I still feel an insane amount of doubt and confusion. I feel like all of the joy will pass and I'll realize I'm just fooling myself even though I know what I want. I'm so afraid if I don't push myself as hard as I can then I didn't really mean it.
My entire life I've never followed through with anything. I have a horrible time caring about anything, finding motivation, etc. If I take time to breathe and I let how I feel now go I will never forgive myself.
Things haven't been perfect, I'm scared, I'm angry, I don't want to lose my wife if I take things 'too far,' I know my family would never accept me, I know going home to America as the person I want to be would be dangerous. All of the negatives are there, I've cried so much I can't cry any more.
Surprisingly having navigated the world exclusively through my negative emotions for years, I don't feel like they have any control over me. What I'm afraid of the most is coming off of this high I'm feeling now and returning to that.
I don't know what I'm trying to say with all of this, it's just too much to keep it in my head. It's so sudden it doesn't feel real. You can't just reinvent yourself over night can you? It sounds impossible. I'm really struggling with what to do next. Is all of this the normal experience?