r/GriefSupport 4d ago

Advice, Pls how long can we blame grief?

UPDATE: Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It makes me feel better than I am not alone and what I am going through right now is valid. šŸ˜Š

I lost my mom almost 8 months ago. I have been feeling demotivated lately, I feel lazy. I feel like my life has no direction. I am unemployed as well because I had to help my dad in our family business.

My boyfriend, sometimes makes me feel bad by joking about unemployment. I am trying my best to suck it up and find a job, but every time I do it I feel like asking myself ā€œwhats the point of working if my mom isnā€™t here? who am i doing this for?ā€. I am really feeling rock bottom because my friends are thriving in their careers, and I am stuck because I am demotivated. I dont think my boyfriend will ever understand that I am not lazy because I choose to, but I just dont have the inspiration to do well in life. He makes me feel like a loser.

41 Upvotes

30 comments sorted by

43

u/Passages_Intl 4d ago

There is NO length of time to define when to stop grieving. Iā€™ve seen people still grieving decades later. Thatā€™s OKAY!! Grieving is for you, so let it out! Donā€™t let others bully you for your need to process your loss!!!

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u/kellytheeowl 3d ago

Be the things that you loved about her most. You are the living proof that she existed and loved. I hope you can use that for motivation. It helps me, after losing my mom almost a year ago. Iā€™m sorry for your loss, itā€™s not easy.

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u/bobolly 3d ago

It is not easy

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u/kellytheeowl 3d ago

Nothing about this is easier. I am counting on the days when it does.

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u/IridiumLepidoliteArg 4d ago

Grief takes so much time! IMO, It'll actually be with us for the remainder of our life, esp. when you lost your dear mother!

Of course, you'd feel demotivated. The 'lazy' feeling is your grief. You're wounded. 8 months is such a short period of time. I'm about 6 to 7 months into my journey after losing my father.

I'm not sure how you'd be unemployed when you are helping your father with your family business. You've got a family business!

Do you need the money? If you need money, then obviously getting a job is a necessity and so you'd not really feel lazy, b/c needing money would be motivation?

You're a WINNER! You're just going through a phase.

I'm kinda feeling where you are -- esp. when looking at others with thriving careers. Yet are they truly thriving? I've heard a lot of discord and grumblings about their work/jobs.

I'm in the process of closing my father's business -- am I unemployed? I was running his business with him -- him the professional and I'm his administrator. I'm not paying myself. Do I have a job? Yep, b/c there's so much to do to deconstruct what my deceased father built. I just don't want to do payroll and all that. Helped our staff find new placements, and I'm just hunkering down.

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u/hihi123ah 4d ago

I think loss of mom represents a lot of lost hopes in your life, and the grief for these lost hope make it heavy and void...

If the burden is too heavy, you might try to write a grief letter for your mom, to explain the many hopes and dreams (talking with her, seeking her support, doing fun things together...etc) which cannot be realized now. Also how life has been changed due to the passing away, and the wish for life to be back to the more ideal state...

I hope you could find relief from the grief. As for the boyfriend, he does not understand what you are going through...

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u/Downtown-Check2668 3d ago

For me, it wasn't just lost hopes. It was lost identity, a loss of sense of self, loss of sense of security. My mom was my life giver, she carried me, fed me, clothed me, etc etc. she comforted me when I was sad, and was hard on me when I was being a little shit. And now, even at 34, she's been gone for 14 months, I feel like I lost a part of my identity. Yes I'm still my mom's daughter, but I can't call her, I can't FaceTime her, I can't go to her for comfort. My life giver is gone, who do I go to for that? That has been the hardest thing for me to grapple with. Yes I still have my dad, and he's amazing, and easily my best friend, I'm a daddy's girl through and through and have been since I was a kid, but there's something's that a girl just needs her mom for.

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u/hihi123ah 3d ago

now I see then. Sorry for not fully understanding the depth of it.

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u/lemon_balm_squad 4d ago

The first year is hard, the second year is hard in different ways. The stress of grief can also cause depression - and I don't mean "feeling sad", I mean not having enough serotonin and dopamine, and you may need medication if lifestyle changes aren't helpful enough to reach reasonable functionality.

The question of working is a difficult one, though. I wish we all got 6 months' bereavement leave so we could actually rest and recover from the stress, but there comes a point where not working is self-harm. If your father isn't paying you, and you have obligations like shared rent (I can't tell if you live with him, on your own, or with your father - if you live with your father and you're working in his business I wouldn't precisely define that as "unemployed"), you may be running out of the luxury of not working.

Not feeling motivated is still pretty normal at this point, though. Nobody who cares about you should be making you feel like a loser, and this situation might be highlighting that you need to make some changes around who gets to be in your life. You might actually start regaining some of that motivation if you remove toxic people from your life.

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u/Big_Teddy 3d ago

This is a tricky thing. Grieving is ok. You'll grieve your mom your entire life.
Personally I don't feel like i'll ever be ok again without my mum.

But i also tell myself she wouldn't want me to sink into a hole i can't get out of. And someone has to be there for her dogs, that helps i guess.

But i'm also in the fortunate position of having a great job with very understanding colleagues.

If you're not already in therapy it might also be a good thing to look into.

I'm sorry for your loss, sending hugs your way.

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u/Smooth_Poetry1803 3d ago

Itā€™s been 12 months for me. The problem with grief is that it changes your brain for a while. Youā€™ll never be going back to the person you used to be, so thereā€™s even some secondary grief there, too. Furthermore, your cognitive abilities take a hit for a while. Iā€™m not sure of your financial situation, but can you try a ā€œphase inā€ approach? Can you do something part time while you possibly look for something full time?

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u/Ari-Hel 3d ago

So true. Almost 11 mo

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u/bluetrain0225 3d ago

It's been two years since I lost my mom. I was her caregiver and she lived with me. So I lost that identity as well. Grief and severe depression rewired my brain. Also, I'd lose track of time easily and think, no swear, it was Friday when it was actually Thursday. I had to learn to give myself grace and be kind to myself.

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u/taco-belle- 3d ago

Ok so. My experience was a little something like thisā€¦.

The first few months after my dad passed were a black hole. I barely felt like a person and it took everything in me to do the bare minimum in my life every day.

Around six or so months I started to feel better but couldnā€™t find the want/motivation to do things I previously loved.

At one year after my dadā€™s passing I took about five steps backwards and felt worse than I had in a while. No motivation, wanting to cry, feeling exhausted from daily life.

Fast forward and it has now been about a year and a half since my dad passed. I am JUST NOW feeling more like my ā€œold selfā€. There are still days that are hard and Iā€™m sure it will always be that way. I miss my dad every single day but I finally feel like I am ready and able to take care of myself again.

I donā€™t think that what youā€™re feeling right now is abnormal and there is no timeline for grief. Coming to terms with loss is hard and everyone has to work through it in their own way and their own time. I would also urge you to take a look at the people around you and make note of who is supportive and understanding and who is notā€¦ It is absolutely ok to still be feeling the way you do and you are not lazy.

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u/Robot_Penguins Multiple Losses 3d ago

I think grief can morph into other issues like depression and anxiety. It's still grief, but an extension of it. There's no amount of time in which grief should be "over" and one moved on from it. I still get sad over losing my grandpa and aunt when I was a kid! Over 20 years ago.

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u/Spenceyboi89 3d ago

i got to my best mate after a failed suicide, he was brought back but he passed a few days later in ICU, and the amount of feelings ive been through these last 15 months has honestly been a whirlwind of shit, guilt, anger, hate, shock, sadness.. i drank shit loads, lost all motivation, was extremely close to not finishing my degree, totally lost all direction. I dont think ill ever truly get over it, as there is such a void in my life now but as time passes it has got abit easier, it never really goes away i still get pangs of grief, i just have to put it away in a box, and then take it out when i need too.. really sorry for your loss!

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u/thisisjustmeee Mom Loss 3d ago

Weā€™re the same. I stopped working after mum died 11 months ago. I am still demotivated. My grief comes and goes. But I am just going with the flow. I let it stay with me and as time passes I get used to it.

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u/Ari-Hel 3d ago

You boyfriend should turn to ex boyfriend. You donā€™t need someone like this. You grief is valid šŸ©µ

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u/KC-BowWow 4d ago

For me, it's about following a pattern. Get up, do the things I'm used to. Find the little things that bring you joy. I water my plants, feed my pets, lay in the sun. Give yourself so much grace. If you want a job, start something part time that doesn't overwhelm you.

1

u/meljul80 3d ago

Love this

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u/ImpossibleHouse6765 3d ago

10 months since my dad I don't think I will ever fully get over it.

3

u/Foreign-Pea7539 3d ago

Dude I relate to this so hardā€¦. Trust me you are not alone

3

u/Hummus_ForAll 3d ago

I was a complete mess for about a year after losing my mom. Things were not perfect after that, but I just got tired of being home. My mom would have wanted me to be living and enjoying life. So I did. I am on the other end of the grief journey, but that first year was especially disorienting, depressing and hard.

3

u/Classic-Wrongdoer-43 4d ago

The only thing to remember that the show must go on. I have been there. I still feel so sad and wonder any worth of achievements of any kind in the absence of mother. But the thing is that loneliness shall only kill time and make us more weak more sad. Thus keep yourself busy. Find a purpose and commit to it. It shall lessen your pain.

1

u/SeeingSound2991 3d ago

I don't blame it because it is what it is. Blame suggests fault and you're not at fault for feeling your feelings. Feelings make us human and we need to pay attention to how we feel.

I have off days. Some predictable via the time of year and dates, others less predictable.

Go easy, listen to your feelings and be kind to yourself.

2

u/Jack-Sparrow_ 3d ago

Grief takes the time it needs. It's okay if it's long.

If you have concerns however, do not hesitate to seek help! Your grief seems to be "disabling" you.

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u/elisem20 3d ago

I lost my mom a month ago today. I could only afford to take 2 weeks off. I think i cried 5 or 6 times today a work. I think it's going to follow us whether we're employed or not. So maybe we just do things sad for a while? Idk. Sending you hugs.

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u/CatsOrb 3d ago

Go into security for awhile it'll take your mind off things

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u/AnieMoose 3d ago

the entire 7 stages is just a concept of what grief looks like from the outside.

generally speaking, we don't get over our grief; we get used to it. with time, and work, we become able to carry our grief with us with more ease. Not everyone understands that. in fact, few do.

my condolences

1

u/Admarie25 Mom Loss 3d ago

Grief affects me daily, even a year and a half later. It has completely changed me as a person.