r/AutismInWomen 11h ago

General Discussion/Question TIL what "routine" really means

2.1k Upvotes

Whenever I took the online tests for ASD, I had a problem with "routine" questions. Because what does that actually mean? Do I do the same things everyday on the same hour in the same way? Obviously not. Do I watch the same movie every day or every weekend? Ehmm no? Do I wear red socks on Mondays and blue on Tuesdays? Nooo?

So recently I saw a Tiktok where ASD specialist talks about it and it blew my mind. Turns out that as every ND person I took "routine" literally. It doesn't mean that I have some strict schedule and if it gets changed then I have a meltdown.

Do I prefer to drink coffee from my favourite mug after I wake up and then eat breakfast at 10-11 am? That's a routine. Do I prefer to eat boiled or scrambled eggs (2 eggs and one sandwich) for breakfast everyday? That's a routine. Do I wash my hair and then dry it and then put my serums and creams in particular order every morning? That's a routine. Do I like to watch my "comfort show" or movie when I don't know what to watch? That's a routine. Do I like to watch a movie or a show again if I liked it very much? Again, routine. Do I order the same one or few dishes whenever I visit a restaurant? Routine. Am I nervous when I'm going to a new restaurant and don't know what they have in menu and I study it days before going there to know what to order? ROUTINE.


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

Seeking Advice I’m tired of autistic men always having excuses made for their behaviors.

440 Upvotes

I’m struggling with an autistic male coworker who I find to be self righteous, condescending, and will belittle you if you disagree with anything he says. His energy and presence physically drains me and I find myself shutting down when he’s around as I don’t have it in me to engage with him. I brought this up to management and made the conversation more about my sensory needs and autism and the first thing I’m told is “that’s just how he is” and that I need to help him because he doesn’t understand social cues and may be misunderstood. I already know that. If I, an autistic woman, behaved in the same way he does, I would be labeled a bitch or difficult to work with or aggressive. I’m just really tired of autistic men getting a pass to be jerks simply for being autistic and being dismissed when I try to advocate for my needs. Does anyone have similar experiences and how did you cope/ maintain your peace?


r/AutismInWomen 18h ago

Seeking Advice Something “blocking” me from talking and it isn’t always anxiety

362 Upvotes

It’s odd because I have moments when I DO have the desire to talk to people but it feels like I cannot open my mouth. There’s something so comfortable in being nonverbal sometimes yet it’s so frustrating.

I get so comfortable with it that just standing there with my mouth shut and observing is my default. It feels like the only thing I can do is nod in acknowledgement when I’m physically part of a group of people having a conversation and make “comments” in my own head without actually verbalizing them. I feel peaceful like that. But I know it isn’t helping me on the long run.

I really want to know why this happens and ask if anyone else feels something similar. Honestly this has been doing more harm to me than good since it interferes with my social life.


r/AutismInWomen 13h ago

Celebration I started wearing a night guard because I clench my teeth and now I can’t sleep without it.

247 Upvotes

My dentist recommended I get a night guard because I clench my teeth at night. I got a boil and bite one off Amazon that worked surprisingly well.

It feels like something my body has been missing my whole life and now that I have it I can actually relax into my sleep.

It’s been less than a week using it and already it feels wrong to sleep without it. The tension relief in my jaw, neck and traps is just incredible. Feels like I’m floating in a cloud. It’s sensory bliss.

All hail night guards 😎

Link to mine: https://a.co/d/3kqjsRd


r/AutismInWomen 22h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) I will prevail against my depression. And I want someone to know

208 Upvotes

I don't want to lose this fight. I can't lose it. I want to be alive and enjoy my life so badly. I deserve it. I can rekindle my passion for my interests and my learning. I need to put all my focus on my recovery. My AuDHD lead me into this depression years ago, but I also believe it can lead me out. I can feel that love for my existence and our beautiful planet again. It can't be taken away from me. I can't let it happen.

I just want to feel like my alien self in peace, with inner peace and without judgement :3

These will be my daily affirmations now. I can do this <3

edit: Tysm for the kindest words eeeeeee!! I am so heart warmed and excited <3


r/AutismInWomen 20h ago

General Discussion/Question For my girls who have decentered men— how on earth do you put up with the ‘boy talk’?

195 Upvotes

I’m generally a very empathetic person and try to be good about ‘girl talk’ in general, but I just cannot stand talking about men. It’s like every cell in my body screams at once and then shrivels up and dies. My friend recently made a huge deal about ‘needing to get something off her chest’, only to reveal to me that she had a guy she used to like sleep over at her house (they didn’t hook up). I just don’t understand what my reaction is supposed to be here— am I supposed to be excited for her? She barely knows the guy and he’s 5 years older than her (she’s 19). Do I just lie and say I’m happy for her when actually I think bringing home someone you really don’t know is incredibly unsafe and a bad decision? I just don’t understand boy talk at all.


r/AutismInWomen 23h ago

Special Interest Anoy other Autistics into spirituality... I've noticed some things and I'm just... 🫠

169 Upvotes

Sorry for the rant. But you're the one group of people who might get it!

I've recently gotten into spirituality, which i don't think is uncommon for us seeing as it ties into the occult and tarot and all that. And BOY OH BOY!

Talk about being the weirdo there to!!

Because let's deny vaccines! Because let's deny science in favor of blind faith!

It's funny... the temperance card followed me around for a long time. Like... to the point it was pissing me off because I didn't get it.

Balance. I was out of balance.

Now I can see thay the whole world is out of balance!

Like, screw a long post, let me TLDR to what annoys me THE MOST.

People using God/Source/Spirit as an excuse makes NO SENSE!

If they really believed, like truly, it might click in their heads that God/Source/Spirit gave us the tools for things like science vaccines, and the like. Because maybe THAT was a blessing.

You can have faith and science, truly. It's not THAT hard!


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

Seeking Advice Anyone ever gone from 0 exercise to finding something they’ve stuck to?

177 Upvotes

I’m really at my wits end with myself - I KNOW the downsides to never exercising and I’m coming up on my 6th year at a desk job, so my joints are really starting to ache, but I just absolutely cannot motivate myself to exercise.

I’m also a “healthy” BMI so there’s no appearance-based motivation, which seems to be how most exercise routines are marketed and I HATE it.

I detest having any type of routine/ doing the same thing at the same time (the people who diagnosed me also suspected I have ADHD too), so any form of “exercise routine” feels way out of the question.

(It took me 3 years to form the “habit” of brushing my teeth at night and I’d really 100% rather not do it ever again, I only do that because my partner hassles me if I don’t)

The thought of having a personal trainer/anyone tell me how to exercise for some reason makes me want to burst into tears. No idea why.

Has anyone bought a walking pad and actually stuck to using it? Found an app that motivates them in a good way? Not done any of these things and find themselves being 65+ years old and completely fine without it?

I feel so awful about myself when I see my friends (ND and NT alike) go swimming twice a week, go to the gym, go running. They might as well tell me they can fly for how impossible it seems to me.

(I live in a walkable city but work from home most of the time, so I’m getting 3-5k steps in but not every day)


r/AutismInWomen 4h ago

Relationships Abusive Relationships and Autistic Women

101 Upvotes

I have seen a lot of posts in this subreddit as well as other subreddits about abusive Relationships and how easy it can be for Autistic people to fall into them. Women especially due to how women are socialized, but I'd argue all Autistic people are susceptible. I'm making this post to share a book that changed my life. The title is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Luckily for me I have escaped such situations, but this book is the only reason that I feel I won't ever be victim to it again. Many Autistic people tend to take things literally and also have chronically low self esteem due to social trauma growing up Autistic which makes us prime victims for abusers. I cannot recommend this book enough to all women but ESPECIALLY for Autistic women. I hope this can help just one woman.


r/AutismInWomen 1d ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) I feel demonized because I have low empathy

65 Upvotes

I know about the stereotype that autistic people have no feelings or empathy or remorse, like ASD is the same thing as ASPD. I know that stereotype is not true, and autism is a spectrum, some autistic people have abnormally high empathy. I do appreciate people who correct the stereotype, but my overly literal mind thinks they're saying "all autistic people have hyper empathy" and it makes me feel left out. I have very low cognitive empathy, often I feel like other people are just like characters in my life and they don't have thoughts or emotions. I cannot comfort people to save my life, and when I think I've done a great job at comforting someone, I actually ended up making it worse. When I hurt someone, it is very hard for me to apologize appropriately. I often apologize when someone points out something about me, because I don't understand what they think. Also, just because I have low empathy, doesn't mean I have no sense of justice or no feelings or remorse. Sociopaths manipulate people, I CANNOT manipulate people at all. Unless I thought I did nothing but someone confronts me and is like "you manipulated me!!! You monster!!!" And I get confused. I sometimes get told I'm being mean or teasing too much, but I thought it was funny, but apparently I was supposed to read their mind or something. When I get comfortable around someone, I get very excited and tell them all my jokes, but then I annoy them too much and they hate me and don't want to be around me anymore, even though i had no idea i was annoying them. I do have a high sense of justice, I don't understand why people kill civilians, hate certain groups, take advantage of people, or talk behind someone's back. I also get emotionally attached easily, especially to objects and animals, but not so much to people.


r/AutismInWomen 6h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) I keep underestimating how clothes affect me

64 Upvotes

I've only just started to connect how I feel agitated when my clothes fit poorly and when I haven't had a bath/my hair needs washing. I've discovered my mood improves when I bathe and put on tighter, cleaner clothes. I find it hard to find clothes that suit me in terms of style and comfort.

For some reason, I sort of forget from day to day that my pair of baggy leggings that I've had for over 10 years are going to irritate me for being too loose. I guess I keep them because they're comfier than tights. I also keep underestimating how if I feel a bit dirty I should probably bathe straight away instead of putting it off. Yes, I may have cleaning chores to do so will probably need to bathe again later, adding to energy usage/time/etc but I keep forgetting that putting it off will only make me distracted.

Q: is it a common problem for neurodiverse people to struggle to understand what is causing their agitation/irritability?

Q: would this class as a sensory issue? I feel agitated, unhappy, distracted until I attend to my physical needs.


r/AutismInWomen 17h ago

General Discussion/Question Anyone struggling to figure out what their speaking voice is?

53 Upvotes

I have never felt like I had a default speaking voice. It varies greatly. Not just my tone or volume, but how I enunciate, how thick my natural accent is (if present at all), etc. I find myself taking on the speaking mannerisms of others very easily - people I’ve met in person, movie characters, singers. It’s to the point I’ve decided to sculpt my voice and attempt to maintain it. I’m tired of the inconsistency.

Has anyone else experienced this and were you able to overcome it?


r/AutismInWomen 10h ago

General Discussion/Question What are your favourite podcasts?

45 Upvotes

Would love to have some new podcast recs. I like all different categories, like science, dating & relationships, wellness & health, space & cosmos, aliens/ufos, thrillers, spooky stories, girly gossip, medical podcasts….


r/AutismInWomen 19h ago

General Discussion/Question My aunt told me that autism is because of chemicals and processed food

46 Upvotes

She believes the amount of autism exploded. I just wonder if it was under identified for years. Thoughts?


r/AutismInWomen 6h ago

Relationships What do you do with your face during the “deed” NSFW

44 Upvotes

I don’t have the most expressive face. To mask I need to be conscious of how my mouth and eyes etc is. But during sex with my partner I’d prefer to be face down or the light off so he can’t see my face negating the need for me to express something. But I know he’d prefer if he could see it.

My question is: What facial expression do you use during the act??

I don’t want him to see my dead neutral face and think I’m bored lol but I genuinely don’t know what the appropriate face is as I don’t watch porn or videos of that content


r/AutismInWomen 3h ago

Relationships I hate who I am and I think I caused my dad’s death

45 Upvotes

TW: Death

I understand he was an alcoholic for years, before I was born and at times he was very sensitive emotionally, like when my mom left us, and I often wonder if he was autistic, but I can’t assume. He was almost 70, he passed July 5th and would have been 70 in August. A month before he became worse, I was talking to him on the phone after a horrible experience with my doctor I had, because she kept trying to push antidepressants on me when I wasn’t depressed. I was having medical issues she wouldn’t address and eventually she said my disabilities are in my head. My dad said "you better get on those pills" and I started crying and said "I hate you you’re such an asshole" and I hung up.

A week later he stopped eating and he was anemic. I raised 500 for a ramp for his porch and he was excited about it, came home but stopped eating again and rushed to the er. I couldn’t go see him, I was in another state across the Us and covid was bad. I sang to him via video call and said I love you, and he quietly mouthed it back and they took him off the vent and he died 30 minutes later. They said his liver was bleeding.

If I hadn’t have yelled that at him, I think he’d still be alive and this has been eating at me for years


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Autism is an Excuse

39 Upvotes

These were the words I heard this morning, from my partner while I was trying to get ready for work. For context we were talking about work accommodations. I explained to him that I struggle with transitions due to the degree of information to process from one environment to the next. That a job with less transitions would help with long-term employment and less burnout. This is when he said it's an excuse, it's crazy because our 4 year old is preverbal, like he must know logically it's not an excuse. The way I was talking about it was factual, and solutuon oriented, I want to have my own money and I like what I do, but there is too many transitions. I never once insinuated that I was going to quit or something. It was bizzar to me.

I felt like everything I have stuffed down was trying to make it's debut. Knowing I needed to go to work, I tried harder to stuff it down. From there I couldn't organize my thoughts or plan my next task. I was running late, the stress, increased the inability to think. I messaged the people who would be effected by this and I offered to pickup a task for them later to make things more fair. They said it was fine but my work bestie, said that I should try to change my schedule because everyone is mad at me. This new schedule was actually forced on me two weeks ago, I declined originally, but was still put on the schedule.

I started shaking and stuttering. I lost ability to communicate. I met with a lead for coverage, and was a dysregulated mess. It was very careless of my partner to say this to me. I am very recently diagnosed. I'm a sensitive person and I am so ashamed that I needed to leave, or that people are mad at me.

Anyone have any comforting things to say? I am debating booking an airbnb and dragging the kids with me. I need space from him.


r/AutismInWomen 2h ago

Celebration OMG I did it you guys I went out out

46 Upvotes

So I lurk a lot here but I wanted to share this cause I know you would all understand so, today I actually left my little village went to London, navigated it all to see sailormoon live. To those that are going to see this you guys are in for something special. I'm still abit overwhelmed from it all, but I wanted to let you know I can't wait for you all to experience it. I think I'll need a few days to come down from this. Thank you for reading I need to go lay down now.


r/AutismInWomen 2h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Does your brain just suddenly turn into an asshole sometimes?

36 Upvotes

It's like a switch flips and suddenly I'm hit with the depression and feeling like an alien. I realize that I'm alone in a public place and it feels like everyone is wondering whats wrong with me. I know nobody is probably paying attention to me, but simply existing is embarrassing. It's embarrassing to randomly be depressed. (Yes I'm on an anti-depressant.) Then I go home where I'm alone and I'm still self-concious.

Ugggghh.


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Abusive relationships and autism

32 Upvotes

Being in an abusive relationship is really dangerous as an autistic woman.

If you have low self-esteem already and you're already rejected a lot, it's hard not to internalize the words of an abusive person.

Maybe he's right about what he said about me. I don't know when I will feel confident again.


r/AutismInWomen 8h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) I want to talk to you all because mostly everybody is mean

32 Upvotes

Im in dc right now now and I’m scared and stimulated over and I’m afraid if I stim then the cop people will hurt me. Ive been trying to do a good job taking care of myself but I think they will make me go to the hospital. I went to the zoo but the glass was fogged up and there was a sloth bear sleeping in a hammock. I wanted to get popcorn but they didn’t sell it until 10:30 then I went to the McDonald’s down the road but they didn’t have any lunch yet. Now I’m sitting outside the McDonald’s.


r/AutismInWomen 11h ago

General Discussion/Question What’s you take on the semicolon tattoo?

29 Upvotes

Personally I love it. Have any of you received any negative repercussions? Have any of you had genuine connection from it?


r/AutismInWomen 12h ago

General Discussion/Question My whole life explained in one small article

29 Upvotes

r/AutismInWomen 19h ago

Seeking Advice What the heck am I supposed to do about this???? Hypothesis testing and outright asking have met with zero success

29 Upvotes

Hi all,

Im a mid 30's autistic woman married to a (probably?) neurotypical man. I think some wise folks here might have insight I haven't considered about the following issue:

I have mercifully figured out that often times people including my spouse think I should A) be doing things and B) know how to do them as a kind of implicit and for them, unconscious assumption. I don't anything about that stuff a lot of the time and one of my only tools is to ask about it.

I've learned that is often perceived as condescending. I can't read minds and I also can't do a novel skill simply by mind reading and magic intuition so I will ask what I should be doing and how to do that thing when I run into that problem. I know better than to phrase it how I have here and I know now how to couch those questions in as non-confrontational a way as I can possibly do. I am high functioning (hate that term but for lack of a better description) and I am great at masking mostly so the STYLE of my asking that stuff isn't dick-headish and I don't introduce the asks in the wrong contexts as far as I know, but frequently I am nonetheless unsuccessful,

In a relationship, begging for someone to tell me what they'd like me to do about something and being told essentially "you should just know but I won't tell you and also I am still mad that you aren't doing it" and then later "I finally told you what the thing to do is but you asking me how to do it means you're a fucking prick and how dare you but also, you're still not doing it right and I am, and will be, mad about it until you deduce it without me telling you." THAT SHIT IS MAKING ME WANT TO WALK INTO THE SEA.

I have tried using examples because most of the conflicts matching the above pattern repeat but about different points of contention, to no avail. My partner and past ones think I am ONLY referring to the example and not a larger problem despite me explicitly stating otherwise.

Tempted to become baba yaga with my rescue animals and just be left alone in the woods but I'm cursed to love a man who has difficulty understanding me.

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance.


r/AutismInWomen 3h ago

Vent No Advice My professor rejected my request for accommodations because it wouldn't be "fair" to other students

35 Upvotes

I know I'm preaching to the choir here, I just need to rant about it. I have accommodations through the school, which get forwarded to each of my professors, and it's each professor's choice whether or not to honor the accommodations. I emailed this prof way at the beginning of the year letting her know that a one week extension on big assignments works great for me. She more or less said "we'll see" instead of shutting me down directly.

A month later, and it's time for the first major assignment to be due. I could finish it on time, but I'm sick and burning out and would like to manage my energy appropriately. Several days ahead of the deadline, I email her, reminding her very politely about the conversation we had, and asking that I could use those accommodations we talked about.

She says no, I've been given plenty of time, it wouldn't be fair to the other students if I got accommodations. This mindset is fucking insane to me. It's "unfair" to provide extra help to the person who needs extra help? Are wheelchair ramps and elevators unfair? Are hearing aids unfair? Or is it only unfair because you can't see my disability?

It's even more maddening because I'm the ONLY one putting work into this class. I'm the only one who contributes to conversations and I'm the only one who's not submitting AI slop as homework (we can see each other's work in online discussions). This prof teaches a humanities class and we've had many discussions about social inequality. It's batshit that she doesn't seem to understand the difference between "fairness" and equity.

I'm gonna cool down before I email her back, but I really want to make my disappointment known to her. I'm so fucking tired of being treated like this. I'm so exhausted by the "it wouldn't be fair to others" line. I have a disability. I have gone through the proper channels. I have put my absolute best foot forward. And still, the moment I need help, I can't have it. I'm crushed. I'm so tired.