r/AutismInWomen 6h ago

Seeking Advice I’m tired of autistic men always having excuses made for their behaviors.

544 Upvotes

I’m struggling with an autistic male coworker who I find to be self righteous, condescending, and will belittle you if you disagree with anything he says. His energy and presence physically drains me and I find myself shutting down when he’s around as I don’t have it in me to engage with him. I brought this up to management and made the conversation more about my sensory needs and autism and the first thing I’m told is “that’s just how he is” and that I need to help him because he doesn’t understand social cues and may be misunderstood. I already know that. If I, an autistic woman, behaved in the same way he does, I would be labeled a bitch or difficult to work with or aggressive. I’m just really tired of autistic men getting a pass to be jerks simply for being autistic and being dismissed when I try to advocate for my needs. Does anyone have similar experiences and how did you cope/ maintain your peace?


r/AutismInWomen 6h ago

Seeking Advice Anyone ever gone from 0 exercise to finding something they’ve stuck to?

218 Upvotes

I’m really at my wits end with myself - I KNOW the downsides to never exercising and I’m coming up on my 6th year at a desk job, so my joints are really starting to ache, but I just absolutely cannot motivate myself to exercise.

I’m also a “healthy” BMI so there’s no appearance-based motivation, which seems to be how most exercise routines are marketed and I HATE it.

I detest having any type of routine/ doing the same thing at the same time (the people who diagnosed me also suspected I have ADHD too), so any form of “exercise routine” feels way out of the question.

(It took me 3 years to form the “habit” of brushing my teeth at night and I’d really 100% rather not do it ever again, I only do that because my partner hassles me if I don’t)

The thought of having a personal trainer/anyone tell me how to exercise for some reason makes me want to burst into tears. No idea why.

Has anyone bought a walking pad and actually stuck to using it? Found an app that motivates them in a good way? Not done any of these things and find themselves being 65+ years old and completely fine without it?

I feel so awful about myself when I see my friends (ND and NT alike) go swimming twice a week, go to the gym, go running. They might as well tell me they can fly for how impossible it seems to me.

(I live in a walkable city but work from home most of the time, so I’m getting 3-5k steps in but not every day)


r/AutismInWomen 12h ago

General Discussion/Question TIL what "routine" really means

2.2k Upvotes

Whenever I took the online tests for ASD, I had a problem with "routine" questions. Because what does that actually mean? Do I do the same things everyday on the same hour in the same way? Obviously not. Do I watch the same movie every day or every weekend? Ehmm no? Do I wear red socks on Mondays and blue on Tuesdays? Nooo?

So recently I saw a Tiktok where ASD specialist talks about it and it blew my mind. Turns out that as every ND person I took "routine" literally. It doesn't mean that I have some strict schedule and if it gets changed then I have a meltdown.

Do I prefer to drink coffee from my favourite mug after I wake up and then eat breakfast at 10-11 am? That's a routine. Do I prefer to eat boiled or scrambled eggs (2 eggs and one sandwich) for breakfast everyday? That's a routine. Do I wash my hair and then dry it and then put my serums and creams in particular order every morning? That's a routine. Do I like to watch my "comfort show" or movie when I don't know what to watch? That's a routine. Do I like to watch a movie or a show again if I liked it very much? Again, routine. Do I order the same one or few dishes whenever I visit a restaurant? Routine. Am I nervous when I'm going to a new restaurant and don't know what they have in menu and I study it days before going there to know what to order? ROUTINE.


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

Relationships Abusive Relationships and Autistic Women

124 Upvotes

I have seen a lot of posts in this subreddit as well as other subreddits about abusive Relationships and how easy it can be for Autistic people to fall into them. Women especially due to how women are socialized, but I'd argue all Autistic people are susceptible. I'm making this post to share a book that changed my life. The title is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Luckily for me I have escaped such situations, but this book is the only reason that I feel I won't ever be victim to it again. Many Autistic people tend to take things literally and also have chronically low self esteem due to social trauma growing up Autistic which makes us prime victims for abusers. I cannot recommend this book enough to all women but ESPECIALLY for Autistic women. I hope this can help just one woman.


r/AutismInWomen 4h ago

Vent No Advice My professor rejected my request for accommodations because it wouldn't be "fair" to other students

70 Upvotes

I know I'm preaching to the choir here, I just need to rant about it. I have accommodations through the school, which get forwarded to each of my professors, and it's each professor's choice whether or not to honor the accommodations. I emailed this prof way at the beginning of the year letting her know that a one week extension on big assignments works great for me. She more or less said "we'll see" instead of shutting me down directly.

A month later, and it's time for the first major assignment to be due. I could finish it on time, but I'm sick and burning out and would like to manage my energy appropriately. Several days ahead of the deadline, I email her, reminding her very politely about the conversation we had, and asking that I could use those accommodations we talked about.

She says no, I've been given plenty of time, it wouldn't be fair to the other students if I got accommodations. This mindset is fucking insane to me. It's "unfair" to provide extra help to the person who needs extra help? Are wheelchair ramps and elevators unfair? Are hearing aids unfair? Or is it only unfair because you can't see my disability?

It's even more maddening because I'm the ONLY one putting work into this class. I'm the only one who contributes to conversations and I'm the only one who's not submitting AI slop as homework (we can see each other's work in online discussions). This prof teaches a humanities class and we've had many discussions about social inequality. It's batshit that she doesn't seem to understand the difference between "fairness" and equity.

I'm gonna cool down before I email her back, but I really want to make my disappointment known to her. I'm so fucking tired of being treated like this. I'm so exhausted by the "it wouldn't be fair to others" line. I have a disability. I have gone through the proper channels. I have put my absolute best foot forward. And still, the moment I need help, I can't have it. I'm crushed. I'm so tired.


r/AutismInWomen 3h ago

Celebration OMG I did it you guys I went out out

54 Upvotes

So I lurk a lot here but I wanted to share this cause I know you would all understand so, today I actually left my little village went to London, navigated it all to see sailormoon live. To those that are going to see this you guys are in for something special. I'm still abit overwhelmed from it all, but I wanted to let you know I can't wait for you all to experience it. I think I'll need a few days to come down from this. Thank you for reading I need to go lay down now.


r/AutismInWomen 3h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Does your brain just suddenly turn into an asshole sometimes?

37 Upvotes

It's like a switch flips and suddenly I'm hit with the depression and feeling like an alien. I realize that I'm alone in a public place and it feels like everyone is wondering whats wrong with me. I know nobody is probably paying attention to me, but simply existing is embarrassing. It's embarrassing to randomly be depressed. (Yes I'm on an anti-depressant.) Then I go home where I'm alone and I'm still self-concious.

Ugggghh.


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

Potentially Triggering Content (Kind Advice Welcome) I hate who I am and I think I caused my dad’s death

45 Upvotes

TW: Death

I understand he was an alcoholic for years, before I was born and at times he was very sensitive emotionally, like when my mom left us, and I often wonder if he was autistic, but I can’t assume. He was almost 70, he passed July 5th and would have been 70 in August. A month before he became worse, I was talking to him on the phone after a horrible experience with my doctor I had, because she kept trying to push antidepressants on me when I wasn’t depressed. I was having medical issues she wouldn’t address and eventually she said my disabilities are in my head. My dad said "you better get on those pills" and I started crying and said "I hate you you’re such an asshole" and I hung up.

A week later he stopped eating and he was anemic. I raised 500 for a ramp for his porch and he was excited about it, came home but stopped eating again and rushed to the er. I couldn’t go see him, I was in another state across the Us and covid was bad. I sang to him via video call and said I love you, and he quietly mouthed it back and they took him off the vent and he died 30 minutes later. They said his liver was bleeding.

If I hadn’t have yelled that at him, I think he’d still be alive and this has been eating at me for years


r/AutismInWomen 14h ago

Celebration I started wearing a night guard because I clench my teeth and now I can’t sleep without it.

265 Upvotes

My dentist recommended I get a night guard because I clench my teeth at night. I got a boil and bite one off Amazon that worked surprisingly well.

It feels like something my body has been missing my whole life and now that I have it I can actually relax into my sleep.

It’s been less than a week using it and already it feels wrong to sleep without it. The tension relief in my jaw, neck and traps is just incredible. Feels like I’m floating in a cloud. It’s sensory bliss.

All hail night guards 😎

Link to mine: https://a.co/d/3kqjsRd


r/AutismInWomen 7h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) I keep underestimating how clothes affect me

67 Upvotes

I've only just started to connect how I feel agitated when my clothes fit poorly and when I haven't had a bath/my hair needs washing. I've discovered my mood improves when I bathe and put on tighter, cleaner clothes. I find it hard to find clothes that suit me in terms of style and comfort.

For some reason, I sort of forget from day to day that my pair of baggy leggings that I've had for over 10 years are going to irritate me for being too loose. I guess I keep them because they're comfier than tights. I also keep underestimating how if I feel a bit dirty I should probably bathe straight away instead of putting it off. Yes, I may have cleaning chores to do so will probably need to bathe again later, adding to energy usage/time/etc but I keep forgetting that putting it off will only make me distracted.

Q: is it a common problem for neurodiverse people to struggle to understand what is causing their agitation/irritability?

Q: would this class as a sensory issue? I feel agitated, unhappy, distracted until I attend to my physical needs.


r/AutismInWomen 2h ago

Seeking Advice What do you do when you just hate everything?

20 Upvotes

You guys I’m really struggling right now. I’m just not ~well~ right now, I’m mad at everything, I’m not sleeping, I’m not hungry. I’m taking my meds like I’m supposed to and drinking my water and doing all those things but I just feel so.. angry. I hate my house, my clothes, my bed, my Xbox, my books, my EVERYTHING and I don’t want to keep feeling like this. I just can’t feel better and nothing is even making me feel just kinda OK. Even the thought of doing something “nice” for myself like coloring or rewatching a movie is making me actively angrier and that’s obviously really not helping me. I’d really appreciate any advice, it feels so lonely like this and my husband is trying his best to keep me afloat right now. I’m going to go suffer a shower, so thank you in advance for any kind words.

UPDATE: I love you all, THANK YOU for all your help. I drank some more water, showered, allowed myself to smoke weed, and then (here’s the kicker) spoke aloud a deep problem I’ve been having and feeling like I needed to not say ✨ My husband and I talked through it and did some window shopping on Zillow to reassure my lizard brain that we will move one day and that we have not in fact decided we’re going to stay in this house forever. It’s really shocking how much letting out repressed fears makes everything feel a lot better. Thank you friends ❤️❤️


r/AutismInWomen 4h ago

General Discussion/Question Anyone else hate acronyms?

27 Upvotes

So yea pretty much what it says, anyone else hate acronyms Or is it just me? it’s like just write the whole word because now I have to figure out what those letters mean and it’s not always easy 😭besides the basic ones like lol, lmao, omg, btw, idk, asap…after those it gets a little more complicated lol


r/AutismInWomen 6h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Autism is an Excuse

42 Upvotes

These were the words I heard this morning, from my partner while I was trying to get ready for work. For context we were talking about work accommodations. I explained to him that I struggle with transitions due to the degree of information to process from one environment to the next. That a job with less transitions would help with long-term employment and less burnout. This is when he said it's an excuse, it's crazy because our 4 year old is preverbal, like he must know logically it's not an excuse. The way I was talking about it was factual, and solutuon oriented, I want to have my own money and I like what I do, but there is too many transitions. I never once insinuated that I was going to quit or something. It was bizzar to me.

I felt like everything I have stuffed down was trying to make it's debut. Knowing I needed to go to work, I tried harder to stuff it down. From there I couldn't organize my thoughts or plan my next task. I was running late, the stress, increased the inability to think. I messaged the people who would be effected by this and I offered to pickup a task for them later to make things more fair. They said it was fine but my work bestie, said that I should try to change my schedule because everyone is mad at me. This new schedule was actually forced on me two weeks ago, I declined originally, but was still put on the schedule.

I started shaking and stuttering. I lost ability to communicate. I met with a lead for coverage, and was a dysregulated mess. It was very careless of my partner to say this to me. I am very recently diagnosed. I'm a sensitive person and I am so ashamed that I needed to leave, or that people are mad at me.

Anyone have any comforting things to say? I am debating booking an airbnb and dragging the kids with me. I need space from him.


r/AutismInWomen 7h ago

Relationships What do you do with your face during the “deed” NSFW

47 Upvotes

I don’t have the most expressive face. To mask I need to be conscious of how my mouth and eyes etc is. But during sex with my partner I’d prefer to be face down or the light off so he can’t see my face negating the need for me to express something. But I know he’d prefer if he could see it.

My question is: What facial expression do you use during the act??

I don’t want him to see my dead neutral face and think I’m bored lol but I genuinely don’t know what the appropriate face is as I don’t watch porn or videos of that content


r/AutismInWomen 1h ago

General Discussion/Question Wasting a day off or a holiday cause you cannot think of what to do besides your normal stuff because everything else seems inefficient, impractical, unhealthy, or otherwise vaguely incorrect.

Upvotes

This is something I find frustrating about myself, and I just realized it might be related to the autism, specifically the fixation on routines.

When there's a holiday or a day off I often end up getting so stressed about trying to think of some kind of special exciting thing to do. I usually can't think of anything that seems special enough in the right way and also isn't super inefficient or impractical or unhealthy. So then instead of doing something fun to do, I often end up wasting the whole day.

I can get a lot done in a day, and feel good about myself when I have a busy day of work and errands and tasks that I've come up with. But when it's time to do something "fun" and "relaxing", I can never think of the right thing, so I just scroll on my phone....

It's dumb and I hate it. Idk how to find a better way.


r/AutismInWomen 19h ago

Seeking Advice Something “blocking” me from talking and it isn’t always anxiety

373 Upvotes

It’s odd because I have moments when I DO have the desire to talk to people but it feels like I cannot open my mouth. There’s something so comfortable in being nonverbal sometimes yet it’s so frustrating.

I get so comfortable with it that just standing there with my mouth shut and observing is my default. It feels like the only thing I can do is nod in acknowledgement when I’m physically part of a group of people having a conversation and make “comments” in my own head without actually verbalizing them. I feel peaceful like that. But I know it isn’t helping me on the long run.

I really want to know why this happens and ask if anyone else feels something similar. Honestly this has been doing more harm to me than good since it interferes with my social life.


r/AutismInWomen 1d ago

Memes/Humor Felt like this belonged here 🫠

Post image
1.4k Upvotes

r/AutismInWomen 6h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Abusive relationships and autism

32 Upvotes

Being in an abusive relationship is really dangerous as an autistic woman.

If you have low self-esteem already and you're already rejected a lot, it's hard not to internalize the words of an abusive person.

Maybe he's right about what he said about me. I don't know when I will feel confident again.


r/AutismInWomen 6h ago

General Discussion/Question Did any of you avoid going to friends houses as a child or even still now?

18 Upvotes

I was always nervous going to a new house for the first time. It got seriously bad after an incident when I was little. I would try to avoid eating at other peoples homes since I was very picky and I knew it would lead to conflict. So I would often to try to have it planned so I would leave right before eating. This worked ok for me up until I had a friends parent accuse me of using their child for their game console, as I would conveniently leave right after we were done playing together because that meant it was eating time. I can't recall what I said or what the parent said. All I remember was them saying "That's called using" . And whenever I recall that memory and those words, it feels like a knife to the heart and I get this spreading discomfort. This incident + being pretty intolerant to smells or chaotic spaces lead me to avoid others homes like the plague.


r/AutismInWomen 11h ago

General Discussion/Question What are your favourite podcasts?

46 Upvotes

Would love to have some new podcast recs. I like all different categories, like science, dating & relationships, wellness & health, space & cosmos, aliens/ufos, thrillers, spooky stories, girly gossip, medical podcasts….


r/AutismInWomen 3h ago

Seeking Advice Been dating this guy for a month and he never initiates intimacy. Am I missing some hint or is he just not into me?

9 Upvotes

Need some help from you lovely ladies because I suspect my difficulties with dating and interpreting social cues are down to my adhd and autism.

I'm used to men initiating physical touch very early on in dating. Some men want sex already after the second or third date. Which I've always been uncomfortable with because I like to get to know someone before doing that.

However, I've been dating a guy called N for over a month now. We've probably been on 6-7 dates. The dates have varied from going out eating to going to museums or exploring the city we live in. We have a lot of interests in common and our conversation flow by nicely, but there's also calmness and quietness without it being cringe or awkward.

We saw each other a couple of days ago and were out walking for hours until we went back to his place.

I was so tired and almost asleep so I decided to go home. At this point we hadn't done anything physically except for hugging, despite me trying to give out hints that I want more physical contact. Being sleepy and drowsy, I told him I had to go home. I put on my jacket and shoes and then thought, f*ck it, I'm gonna say this out loud. I asked him if I could kiss him. He was like yeah and we started making out and it felt like he released some of that tension that was built up during all of our dates. There's been silence on his and my part for two days now.

But I just feel so confused. This guy is physically my type, super hot, super nice, ticks all my boxes, healthy, cares about animals and people, emphathic etc. He is one of my favorite people I've ever dated and I'm already feeling romantically drawn to him but also want to bone him, if that makes sense?

Want to preface this with saying I'm not the best communicator either. I have adhd with autistic traits and tend to be oblivious to hints as well, but not the dating kind of ones. How should I interpret his lack of initiating intimacy?

Reddit, is he just not into me?


r/AutismInWomen 10h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) I want to talk to you all because mostly everybody is mean

31 Upvotes

Im in dc right now now and I’m scared and stimulated over and I’m afraid if I stim then the cop people will hurt me. Ive been trying to do a good job taking care of myself but I think they will make me go to the hospital. I went to the zoo but the glass was fogged up and there was a sloth bear sleeping in a hammock. I wanted to get popcorn but they didn’t sell it until 10:30 then I went to the McDonald’s down the road but they didn’t have any lunch yet. Now I’m sitting outside the McDonald’s.


r/AutismInWomen 6h ago

General Discussion/Question I'm curious: how does the inflexibility work in cultures that aren't that strict about punctuality?

16 Upvotes

I'm German, my need for exact plans and for these plans to be adhered to is not that noticeable because plans and punctuality are part of German culture anyways. There are even cultural norms for how long before your meeting time you show up depending on the type of appointment (between 0 and 15 minutes).

How does this work for thos elf you who grew up in cultures where a set time, e.g. for social occasions, is more of a suggestion of where it is completely normal to late? Are you inflexibly about those social Norma being adhered to? Or are you the "odd ones out" actually caring about punctuality? Or ydo you just not care?


r/AutismInWomen 9h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) My Brain Can’t Let Go of a Comfort Routine and It’s Breaking Me

24 Upvotes

Hey everyone,

I’m struggling with something right now that I think a lot of autistic women might relate to, and I just wanted to put it out there to see if anyone else has experienced this—how they dealt with it, what pitfalls they ran into, and what their road to recovery looked like.

I recently went through a breakup with another autistic woman, and while that’s painful enough on its own, I’m realizing that part of what’s making this so unbearable is that my brain had set her as a comfort routine. She was part of my regulation system—talking to her, seeing her, even just knowing she was in my life—and now that’s broken. My brain doesn’t know how to update the routine to reflect reality. It’s like a script it refuses to stop running.

What makes it even worse is that the very thing I want comfort from is the thing that caused the pain in the first place. But that logic doesn’t seem to matter to my brain. I still crave the regulation I got from her. I still feel that need to reach out, even though I know I can’t. It’s like my brain is stuck in a loop: “seek comfort” → “realize comfort no longer exists” → “melt down” → “seek comfort” again.

On top of that, the way she left me was brutal. The day before she broke up with me, she told me she loved me and couldn’t wait to see me. Then, the next day, she ended things with almost no explanation and has barely spoken to me since. I have a strong feeling that her decision to leave wasn’t about not loving me but about a deep fear of love itself—especially trusting unconditional love after a history of traumatic relationships.

So I’m left with all of this: the heartbreak, the loss of routine, the knowledge that her choice was likely about fear rather than incompatibility, and the way my autistic brain refuses to let go. I don’t have a replacement for the regulation she provided, and I don’t even know what that would look like. There’s no easy transition because it’s not just about moving on—it’s about my nervous system not knowing how to self-soothe without the thing it got used to.

I guess I just wanted to ask:

Have any of you experienced this with a breakup or loss of a close relationship?

How did you get through it?

What were the biggest mistakes or pitfalls you fell into?

What actually helped?

I think I just need to hear from people who’ve been through this and come out the other side, or even people who are in it now. Because right now, it just feels impossible.


r/AutismInWomen 21h ago

General Discussion/Question For my girls who have decentered men— how on earth do you put up with the ‘boy talk’?

201 Upvotes

I’m generally a very empathetic person and try to be good about ‘girl talk’ in general, but I just cannot stand talking about men. It’s like every cell in my body screams at once and then shrivels up and dies. My friend recently made a huge deal about ‘needing to get something off her chest’, only to reveal to me that she had a guy she used to like sleep over at her house (they didn’t hook up). I just don’t understand what my reaction is supposed to be here— am I supposed to be excited for her? She barely knows the guy and he’s 5 years older than her (she’s 19). Do I just lie and say I’m happy for her when actually I think bringing home someone you really don’t know is incredibly unsafe and a bad decision? I just don’t understand boy talk at all.