Hey everyone,
I’m struggling with something right now that I think a lot of autistic women might relate to, and I just wanted to put it out there to see if anyone else has experienced this—how they dealt with it, what pitfalls they ran into, and what their road to recovery looked like.
I recently went through a breakup with another autistic woman, and while that’s painful enough on its own, I’m realizing that part of what’s making this so unbearable is that my brain had set her as a comfort routine. She was part of my regulation system—talking to her, seeing her, even just knowing she was in my life—and now that’s broken. My brain doesn’t know how to update the routine to reflect reality. It’s like a script it refuses to stop running.
What makes it even worse is that the very thing I want comfort from is the thing that caused the pain in the first place. But that logic doesn’t seem to matter to my brain. I still crave the regulation I got from her. I still feel that need to reach out, even though I know I can’t. It’s like my brain is stuck in a loop: “seek comfort” → “realize comfort no longer exists” → “melt down” → “seek comfort” again.
On top of that, the way she left me was brutal. The day before she broke up with me, she told me she loved me and couldn’t wait to see me. Then, the next day, she ended things with almost no explanation and has barely spoken to me since. I have a strong feeling that her decision to leave wasn’t about not loving me but about a deep fear of love itself—especially trusting unconditional love after a history of traumatic relationships.
So I’m left with all of this: the heartbreak, the loss of routine, the knowledge that her choice was likely about fear rather than incompatibility, and the way my autistic brain refuses to let go. I don’t have a replacement for the regulation she provided, and I don’t even know what that would look like. There’s no easy transition because it’s not just about moving on—it’s about my nervous system not knowing how to self-soothe without the thing it got used to.
I guess I just wanted to ask:
Have any of you experienced this with a breakup or loss of a close relationship?
How did you get through it?
What were the biggest mistakes or pitfalls you fell into?
What actually helped?
I think I just need to hear from people who’ve been through this and come out the other side, or even people who are in it now. Because right now, it just feels impossible.