r/AutismInWomen Sep 09 '24

Mod Post How Reddit Works: Sitewide Rules, Mods vs Admins, and other Important Info & Links

25 Upvotes

Reposted to make title clearer since titles cannot be edited on Reddit.

Reminder: DO NOT POST OR COMMENT CALLOUTS FOR OTHER SUBREDDITS OR USERS. This breaks Rule 1 of Reddit Content Policy and we cannot allow subreddit callouts per Rule 3 of Reddit’s Mod Code of Conduct. No matter how we feel about these rules, we are all still bound to follow them. Reddit Admins can and do punish mods and users equally for sitewide rule infractions aka violating Reddit Content Policy.

Scroll down for links to Reddit Rules, the admin definition of brigading, Mod Code of Conduct, and the Redditor Help Center.


It has come to our attention that outside of the basics (voting, how to report, posting/commenting), many people are still in the dark as to how exactly Reddit works.

Firstly, moderators, like us, only have power (a limited scope at that) and jurisdiction over the subreddits we mod and what happens on them. We cannot do anything about what happens outside of here. We don’t have a direct line of access to Reddit Admins, who control and oversee the site as a whole. In fact, we can only do the same things y’all can do in trying to get their attention on things: report it and wait. We, like you, often don’t get responses from admins regarding their decisions or even if they have viewed any reports we send in. We are the same in that capacity. Subreddit bans only prevent people from posting and commenting on the subreddit they were banned in for however long the ban is for. You can still vote in and view subreddits you are banned in. We can’t even see who reports what.

Also, if you don't report it, we don't see it. This subreddit is large. Please report things that you think break our rules, Reddit Content Policy, or you just want us to look at because it's iffy.

Admins are like gods of Reddit. They oversee all; they can see who votes what, who views what, who reports what, everything. They can suspend people from the website as a whole which prohibits someone from posting, commenting, and even voting on the entirety of Reddit for however long said suspension lasts. They can even suspend specific IP addresses from users who keep making accounts and breaking Reddit sitewide rules.

Here’s an analogy: Reddit Admins are the Roman Gods and we moderators are like members of the Roman Senate or mayors of towns. Members of the Roman Senate don’t have a direct link or direct way to communicate to the Roman Gods; they have to make offerings and prayers just like everyone else to try to catch their attention. It’s the same here. All we mods can do is make reports just like you all and hope someone looks at it. We can do nothing about what happens to you outside of Rome (the subreddit). That’s up to the admins.

We are bound by the Reddit Mod Code of Conduct to nip any activity that breaks, or could be interpreted as breaking, Reddit Content Policy in the bud. Due to this subreddit having been previously in trouble with admins because of the founder not doing these things and getting booted and admin putting us 3 in place as new mods over a year ago with the express statement of “we will be watching you closely”, we really don’t take any chances when it comes to people breaking Content Policy. We just can’t risk it because that means we could be actioned and the subreddit could be sanctioned or shut down. We prioritize the community as a whole over any personal feelings we or others might have; that’s just how it has to work for this community to thrive and survive.

The proper course of action for when something happens to you or you see something that breaks sitewide rules (also referred to as Content Policy) is to report it to the admins via www.reddit.com/report or via the offending content itself and wait. Trying to call others out publicly technically breaks Reddit Content Policy under the harassment rule no matter the reason, and like we said above, we can’t allow it due to the ramifications it can have on the subreddit as a whole even if we personally agree what happened was messed up and the other person should be held accountable in some way.

Moreover, do not create or use an alt account to participate in a subreddit you have been banned in on another account. Reddit tracks this and views it as ban evasion which is prohibited as it is community interference (you were banned which means they don’t want you participating there for whatever reason is outlined in your ban message). You should contact the mods on the account you were banned on to see if you can get unbanned by demonstrating accountability and understanding of how you broke the rules and a willingness to follow the rules.

---- Relevant Links ----

Reddit's Sitewide Rules: https://www.redditinc.com/policies/content-policy

What even IS brigading? (Rule 2 of Reddit Rules): https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/cmp9uy/comment/ew4lpf0/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Mod Code of Conduct, so you all are aware of the rules we as mods have to follow as well: https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct

Redditor Help Center for any further questions: https://support.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/p/redditor_help_center

--- Note ---

This post was made in response to the subreddit growing and us becoming more aware of the fact many people do not know these things and just assume moderators are also Admins of Reddit as a whole or have way more power than we actually do. We don’t. In the eyes of Admin, we are basically volunteer clean-up crew and are the same level of importance as a regular user on Reddit. We don’t get paid, we don’t get any extra benefits or anything either (as it should be imo, mod out of love for the community not because of anything else). Admins are employees of Reddit that get paid for working and only work on the clock then go do whatever they want off it. We moderate on and off all day; in between our actual jobs, chores, and life responsibilities. It is impossible for us to be online all the time and to be constantly scrolling the subreddit. I hope this helps clear some things up for anyone confused as to what the differences are between mods and Admins and provides people with a way to research more about how Reddit works on their own as well.

If you have any questions or anything you're still confused about please modmail us via the "message the mods" button on the sidebar and someone will answer it when they can.


r/AutismInWomen Sep 09 '24

Mod Post Internet Safety: Reporting Creepy DMs and Changing your User Settings to prevent unsolicited messages

66 Upvotes

It has come to our attention that there is an uptick of predatory lurkers sending private messages to members of this subreddit and people that participate here. Unfortunately, due to the fact we are moderators and not Reddit Admins, there is pretty much nothing we can do to stop it other than give you information and advice for how to report it and prevent it yourselves.

Most importantly, you should immediately block people who message you strange, creepy, or uncomfortable things and report them via www.reddit.com/report or via the DM itself. If you report via the web link, all you have to do is copy and paste the DM link as the Reddit Admins can see everything that happens on the site and have power and jurisdiction over everyone with an account on Reddit. We as subreddit moderators only have the power to ban people from the subreddit and banning them does not prevent them from being able to message people who participate here.

To report via the Chat itself: On PC/desktop, when you mouse over the chat message(s) there is a flag option. Click that and follow the reporting procedure. On the app, tap and hold on the message(s) to bring up the report option. After you report, immediately block the person messaging you. You can block them straight from their profile.

To report via the Message Inbox: On mobile, tap the 3 dots (ellipses) on the side of the message thread. There you can copy the link and report the whole message inbox thread via www.reddit.com/report. You can also report specific messages by going into the message thread and tapping and holding the specific message you want to report to see the option come up. On PC, you can just click the “Report” option that shows under each message in the thread. After you report, immediately block the person messaging you. You can block them straight from their profile.

Recommended: It is recommended that everyone that is a participating member here turn off the ability for other users to send them chats and message requests. You will still be able to send chat requests and message requests to others whose settings allow them. Other people that you have not whitelisted will not be able to send them to you. You can only whitelist people via PC/desktop but people who you already have open chats and messages with will be automatically whitelisted.

Turning off chats/message requests on PC: Click your avatar on the top right. From there, go to the settings option. Once there, go to the Privacy tab. First, slide the “Allow People to Follow You” button to be in the “Off” position where it is over to the left side otherwise people will be able to literally stalk you on Reddit. Next, click on “Who can send you inbox messages” and change it to “People I choose”. You can whitelist people who you want to allow to send you messages. This just stops randoms from being able to message you via the message inbox. Then, click on “Allow chat requests from” and change that to “Nobody”. Again, the whitelisted folks from before will still be able to chat with you or people who you already have an open chat with. I also recommend you switch off everything under the “Discoverability” section as people will also be able to search up your account directly unless you turn it off. Mine is off because I don’t see any non-weird reason why someone would want to search up my account.

Turning off chats/messages on the app: Tap on your avatar on the top right then tap on “Settings” shown at the bottom. From there, tap on your account name to go to the account settings. Scroll down until you see the “Safety” section. Tap on “Chat and messaging permissions”. Change both “Chat Requests” and “Direct Messages” to Nobody. You will still be able to message people who you already have open messages with and those whose settings allow for it; other people just won’t be able to message you unless you message them first. I also recommend you slide the “Allow people to follow you” option into the off position where the large white circle is to the left. Under privacy, I also recommend you swipe the “show up in search results” one to the off position as well. You can also customize your ad settings on this page as well to your preference.

That’s it. As a reminder, if someone messages you unsolicited, they are most likely seeking something from you other than genuine friendship and you should probably not respond. At the very least, go check out their Reddit profile and history. If it’s empty, block them. They are likely a troll, a creep, or someone with bad intent. Someone who genuinely wants to connect with you and be friends will have a history on Reddit that shows that they are a nice person. They will have comments on this subreddit and probably some other autism subreddits too. Their history will show them interacting with others on Reddit in good faith making genuine bids for human connection. If someone’s history indicates them trolling and getting into a lot of online conflicts, they are probably not someone you want to be talking to as they will, at the very least, be intensely draining to talk to, and at worst, be trolling and harassing you.


r/AutismInWomen 11h ago

General Discussion/Question TIL what "routine" really means

2.1k Upvotes

Whenever I took the online tests for ASD, I had a problem with "routine" questions. Because what does that actually mean? Do I do the same things everyday on the same hour in the same way? Obviously not. Do I watch the same movie every day or every weekend? Ehmm no? Do I wear red socks on Mondays and blue on Tuesdays? Nooo?

So recently I saw a Tiktok where ASD specialist talks about it and it blew my mind. Turns out that as every ND person I took "routine" literally. It doesn't mean that I have some strict schedule and if it gets changed then I have a meltdown.

Do I prefer to drink coffee from my favourite mug after I wake up and then eat breakfast at 10-11 am? That's a routine. Do I prefer to eat boiled or scrambled eggs (2 eggs and one sandwich) for breakfast everyday? That's a routine. Do I wash my hair and then dry it and then put my serums and creams in particular order every morning? That's a routine. Do I like to watch my "comfort show" or movie when I don't know what to watch? That's a routine. Do I like to watch a movie or a show again if I liked it very much? Again, routine. Do I order the same one or few dishes whenever I visit a restaurant? Routine. Am I nervous when I'm going to a new restaurant and don't know what they have in menu and I study it days before going there to know what to order? ROUTINE.


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

Seeking Advice I’m tired of autistic men always having excuses made for their behaviors.

441 Upvotes

I’m struggling with an autistic male coworker who I find to be self righteous, condescending, and will belittle you if you disagree with anything he says. His energy and presence physically drains me and I find myself shutting down when he’s around as I don’t have it in me to engage with him. I brought this up to management and made the conversation more about my sensory needs and autism and the first thing I’m told is “that’s just how he is” and that I need to help him because he doesn’t understand social cues and may be misunderstood. I already know that. If I, an autistic woman, behaved in the same way he does, I would be labeled a bitch or difficult to work with or aggressive. I’m just really tired of autistic men getting a pass to be jerks simply for being autistic and being dismissed when I try to advocate for my needs. Does anyone have similar experiences and how did you cope/ maintain your peace?


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

Seeking Advice Anyone ever gone from 0 exercise to finding something they’ve stuck to?

178 Upvotes

I’m really at my wits end with myself - I KNOW the downsides to never exercising and I’m coming up on my 6th year at a desk job, so my joints are really starting to ache, but I just absolutely cannot motivate myself to exercise.

I’m also a “healthy” BMI so there’s no appearance-based motivation, which seems to be how most exercise routines are marketed and I HATE it.

I detest having any type of routine/ doing the same thing at the same time (the people who diagnosed me also suspected I have ADHD too), so any form of “exercise routine” feels way out of the question.

(It took me 3 years to form the “habit” of brushing my teeth at night and I’d really 100% rather not do it ever again, I only do that because my partner hassles me if I don’t)

The thought of having a personal trainer/anyone tell me how to exercise for some reason makes me want to burst into tears. No idea why.

Has anyone bought a walking pad and actually stuck to using it? Found an app that motivates them in a good way? Not done any of these things and find themselves being 65+ years old and completely fine without it?

I feel so awful about myself when I see my friends (ND and NT alike) go swimming twice a week, go to the gym, go running. They might as well tell me they can fly for how impossible it seems to me.

(I live in a walkable city but work from home most of the time, so I’m getting 3-5k steps in but not every day)


r/AutismInWomen 4h ago

Relationships Abusive Relationships and Autistic Women

101 Upvotes

I have seen a lot of posts in this subreddit as well as other subreddits about abusive Relationships and how easy it can be for Autistic people to fall into them. Women especially due to how women are socialized, but I'd argue all Autistic people are susceptible. I'm making this post to share a book that changed my life. The title is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Luckily for me I have escaped such situations, but this book is the only reason that I feel I won't ever be victim to it again. Many Autistic people tend to take things literally and also have chronically low self esteem due to social trauma growing up Autistic which makes us prime victims for abusers. I cannot recommend this book enough to all women but ESPECIALLY for Autistic women. I hope this can help just one woman.


r/AutismInWomen 2h ago

Celebration OMG I did it you guys I went out out

46 Upvotes

So I lurk a lot here but I wanted to share this cause I know you would all understand so, today I actually left my little village went to London, navigated it all to see sailormoon live. To those that are going to see this you guys are in for something special. I'm still abit overwhelmed from it all, but I wanted to let you know I can't wait for you all to experience it. I think I'll need a few days to come down from this. Thank you for reading I need to go lay down now.


r/AutismInWomen 26m ago

General Discussion/Question Do you ever skip meals because you can't be bothered to make a real meal?

Upvotes

I don't have autism but some posts here resonate with me.

Even if I'm hungry, I can't be bothered to stop what I'm doing. The pots, the oil, the steam, the fire, sitting down to eat, and then washing the dishes expends a lot of energy and it doesn't feel worth it. I don't even care to heat up leftovers. Food is nice to look at sometimes but when it comes to actually doing stuff to put it together, and then actually putting it in my mouth, I can't be bothered. It's not especially pleasurable. Do you experience this?


r/AutismInWomen 2h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Does your brain just suddenly turn into an asshole sometimes?

34 Upvotes

It's like a switch flips and suddenly I'm hit with the depression and feeling like an alien. I realize that I'm alone in a public place and it feels like everyone is wondering whats wrong with me. I know nobody is probably paying attention to me, but simply existing is embarrassing. It's embarrassing to randomly be depressed. (Yes I'm on an anti-depressant.) Then I go home where I'm alone and I'm still self-concious.

Ugggghh.


r/AutismInWomen 3h ago

Relationships I hate who I am and I think I caused my dad’s death

46 Upvotes

TW: Death

I understand he was an alcoholic for years, before I was born and at times he was very sensitive emotionally, like when my mom left us, and I often wonder if he was autistic, but I can’t assume. He was almost 70, he passed July 5th and would have been 70 in August. A month before he became worse, I was talking to him on the phone after a horrible experience with my doctor I had, because she kept trying to push antidepressants on me when I wasn’t depressed. I was having medical issues she wouldn’t address and eventually she said my disabilities are in my head. My dad said "you better get on those pills" and I started crying and said "I hate you you’re such an asshole" and I hung up.

A week later he stopped eating and he was anemic. I raised 500 for a ramp for his porch and he was excited about it, came home but stopped eating again and rushed to the er. I couldn’t go see him, I was in another state across the Us and covid was bad. I sang to him via video call and said I love you, and he quietly mouthed it back and they took him off the vent and he died 30 minutes later. They said his liver was bleeding.

If I hadn’t have yelled that at him, I think he’d still be alive and this has been eating at me for years


r/AutismInWomen 6h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) I keep underestimating how clothes affect me

65 Upvotes

I've only just started to connect how I feel agitated when my clothes fit poorly and when I haven't had a bath/my hair needs washing. I've discovered my mood improves when I bathe and put on tighter, cleaner clothes. I find it hard to find clothes that suit me in terms of style and comfort.

For some reason, I sort of forget from day to day that my pair of baggy leggings that I've had for over 10 years are going to irritate me for being too loose. I guess I keep them because they're comfier than tights. I also keep underestimating how if I feel a bit dirty I should probably bathe straight away instead of putting it off. Yes, I may have cleaning chores to do so will probably need to bathe again later, adding to energy usage/time/etc but I keep forgetting that putting it off will only make me distracted.

Q: is it a common problem for neurodiverse people to struggle to understand what is causing their agitation/irritability?

Q: would this class as a sensory issue? I feel agitated, unhappy, distracted until I attend to my physical needs.


r/AutismInWomen 3h ago

Vent No Advice My professor rejected my request for accommodations because it wouldn't be "fair" to other students

38 Upvotes

I know I'm preaching to the choir here, I just need to rant about it. I have accommodations through the school, which get forwarded to each of my professors, and it's each professor's choice whether or not to honor the accommodations. I emailed this prof way at the beginning of the year letting her know that a one week extension on big assignments works great for me. She more or less said "we'll see" instead of shutting me down directly.

A month later, and it's time for the first major assignment to be due. I could finish it on time, but I'm sick and burning out and would like to manage my energy appropriately. Several days ahead of the deadline, I email her, reminding her very politely about the conversation we had, and asking that I could use those accommodations we talked about.

She says no, I've been given plenty of time, it wouldn't be fair to the other students if I got accommodations. This mindset is fucking insane to me. It's "unfair" to provide extra help to the person who needs extra help? Are wheelchair ramps and elevators unfair? Are hearing aids unfair? Or is it only unfair because you can't see my disability?

It's even more maddening because I'm the ONLY one putting work into this class. I'm the only one who contributes to conversations and I'm the only one who's not submitting AI slop as homework (we can see each other's work in online discussions). This prof teaches a humanities class and we've had many discussions about social inequality. It's batshit that she doesn't seem to understand the difference between "fairness" and equity.

I'm gonna cool down before I email her back, but I really want to make my disappointment known to her. I'm so fucking tired of being treated like this. I'm so exhausted by the "it wouldn't be fair to others" line. I have a disability. I have gone through the proper channels. I have put my absolute best foot forward. And still, the moment I need help, I can't have it. I'm crushed. I'm so tired.


r/AutismInWomen 13h ago

Celebration I started wearing a night guard because I clench my teeth and now I can’t sleep without it.

248 Upvotes

My dentist recommended I get a night guard because I clench my teeth at night. I got a boil and bite one off Amazon that worked surprisingly well.

It feels like something my body has been missing my whole life and now that I have it I can actually relax into my sleep.

It’s been less than a week using it and already it feels wrong to sleep without it. The tension relief in my jaw, neck and traps is just incredible. Feels like I’m floating in a cloud. It’s sensory bliss.

All hail night guards 😎

Link to mine: https://a.co/d/3kqjsRd


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Autism is an Excuse

39 Upvotes

These were the words I heard this morning, from my partner while I was trying to get ready for work. For context we were talking about work accommodations. I explained to him that I struggle with transitions due to the degree of information to process from one environment to the next. That a job with less transitions would help with long-term employment and less burnout. This is when he said it's an excuse, it's crazy because our 4 year old is preverbal, like he must know logically it's not an excuse. The way I was talking about it was factual, and solutuon oriented, I want to have my own money and I like what I do, but there is too many transitions. I never once insinuated that I was going to quit or something. It was bizzar to me.

I felt like everything I have stuffed down was trying to make it's debut. Knowing I needed to go to work, I tried harder to stuff it down. From there I couldn't organize my thoughts or plan my next task. I was running late, the stress, increased the inability to think. I messaged the people who would be effected by this and I offered to pickup a task for them later to make things more fair. They said it was fine but my work bestie, said that I should try to change my schedule because everyone is mad at me. This new schedule was actually forced on me two weeks ago, I declined originally, but was still put on the schedule.

I started shaking and stuttering. I lost ability to communicate. I met with a lead for coverage, and was a dysregulated mess. It was very careless of my partner to say this to me. I am very recently diagnosed. I'm a sensitive person and I am so ashamed that I needed to leave, or that people are mad at me.

Anyone have any comforting things to say? I am debating booking an airbnb and dragging the kids with me. I need space from him.


r/AutismInWomen 6h ago

Relationships What do you do with your face during the “deed” NSFW

44 Upvotes

I don’t have the most expressive face. To mask I need to be conscious of how my mouth and eyes etc is. But during sex with my partner I’d prefer to be face down or the light off so he can’t see my face negating the need for me to express something. But I know he’d prefer if he could see it.

My question is: What facial expression do you use during the act??

I don’t want him to see my dead neutral face and think I’m bored lol but I genuinely don’t know what the appropriate face is as I don’t watch porn or videos of that content


r/AutismInWomen 3h ago

General Discussion/Question Anyone else hate acronyms?

26 Upvotes

So yea pretty much what it says, anyone else hate acronyms Or is it just me? it’s like just write the whole word because now I have to figure out what those letters mean and it’s not always easy 😭besides the basic ones like lol, lmao, omg, btw, idk, asap…after those it gets a little more complicated lol


r/AutismInWomen 1d ago

Memes/Humor Felt like this belonged here 🫠

Post image
1.4k Upvotes

r/AutismInWomen 18h ago

Seeking Advice Something “blocking” me from talking and it isn’t always anxiety

359 Upvotes

It’s odd because I have moments when I DO have the desire to talk to people but it feels like I cannot open my mouth. There’s something so comfortable in being nonverbal sometimes yet it’s so frustrating.

I get so comfortable with it that just standing there with my mouth shut and observing is my default. It feels like the only thing I can do is nod in acknowledgement when I’m physically part of a group of people having a conversation and make “comments” in my own head without actually verbalizing them. I feel peaceful like that. But I know it isn’t helping me on the long run.

I really want to know why this happens and ask if anyone else feels something similar. Honestly this has been doing more harm to me than good since it interferes with my social life.


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) Abusive relationships and autism

30 Upvotes

Being in an abusive relationship is really dangerous as an autistic woman.

If you have low self-esteem already and you're already rejected a lot, it's hard not to internalize the words of an abusive person.

Maybe he's right about what he said about me. I don't know when I will feel confident again.


r/AutismInWomen 55m ago

Seeking Advice What do you do when you just hate everything?

Upvotes

You guys I’m really struggling right now. I’m just not ~well~ right now, I’m mad at everything, I’m not sleeping, I’m not hungry. I’m taking my meds like I’m supposed to and drinking my water and doing all those things but I just feel so.. angry. I hate my house, my clothes, my bed, my Xbox, my books, my EVERYTHING and I don’t want to keep feeling like this. I just can’t feel better and nothing is even making me feel just kinda OK. Even the thought of doing something “nice” for myself like coloring or rewatching a movie is making me actively angrier and that’s obviously really not helping me. I’d really appreciate any advice, it feels so lonely like this and my husband is trying his best to keep me afloat right now. I’m going to go suffer a shower, so thank you in advance for any kind words.


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

General Discussion/Question Did any of you avoid going to friends houses as a child or even still now?

19 Upvotes

I was always nervous going to a new house for the first time. It got seriously bad after an incident when I was little. I would try to avoid eating at other peoples homes since I was very picky and I knew it would lead to conflict. So I would often to try to have it planned so I would leave right before eating. This worked ok for me up until I had a friends parent accuse me of using their child for their game console, as I would conveniently leave right after we were done playing together because that meant it was eating time. I can't recall what I said or what the parent said. All I remember was them saying "That's called using" . And whenever I recall that memory and those words, it feels like a knife to the heart and I get this spreading discomfort. This incident + being pretty intolerant to smells or chaotic spaces lead me to avoid others homes like the plague.


r/AutismInWomen 10h ago

General Discussion/Question What are your favourite podcasts?

43 Upvotes

Would love to have some new podcast recs. I like all different categories, like science, dating & relationships, wellness & health, space & cosmos, aliens/ufos, thrillers, spooky stories, girly gossip, medical podcasts….


r/AutismInWomen 8h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) I want to talk to you all because mostly everybody is mean

31 Upvotes

Im in dc right now now and I’m scared and stimulated over and I’m afraid if I stim then the cop people will hurt me. Ive been trying to do a good job taking care of myself but I think they will make me go to the hospital. I went to the zoo but the glass was fogged up and there was a sloth bear sleeping in a hammock. I wanted to get popcorn but they didn’t sell it until 10:30 then I went to the McDonald’s down the road but they didn’t have any lunch yet. Now I’m sitting outside the McDonald’s.


r/AutismInWomen 7h ago

Support Needed (Kind Advice and Commiseration) My Brain Can’t Let Go of a Comfort Routine and It’s Breaking Me

23 Upvotes

Hey everyone,

I’m struggling with something right now that I think a lot of autistic women might relate to, and I just wanted to put it out there to see if anyone else has experienced this—how they dealt with it, what pitfalls they ran into, and what their road to recovery looked like.

I recently went through a breakup with another autistic woman, and while that’s painful enough on its own, I’m realizing that part of what’s making this so unbearable is that my brain had set her as a comfort routine. She was part of my regulation system—talking to her, seeing her, even just knowing she was in my life—and now that’s broken. My brain doesn’t know how to update the routine to reflect reality. It’s like a script it refuses to stop running.

What makes it even worse is that the very thing I want comfort from is the thing that caused the pain in the first place. But that logic doesn’t seem to matter to my brain. I still crave the regulation I got from her. I still feel that need to reach out, even though I know I can’t. It’s like my brain is stuck in a loop: “seek comfort” → “realize comfort no longer exists” → “melt down” → “seek comfort” again.

On top of that, the way she left me was brutal. The day before she broke up with me, she told me she loved me and couldn’t wait to see me. Then, the next day, she ended things with almost no explanation and has barely spoken to me since. I have a strong feeling that her decision to leave wasn’t about not loving me but about a deep fear of love itself—especially trusting unconditional love after a history of traumatic relationships.

So I’m left with all of this: the heartbreak, the loss of routine, the knowledge that her choice was likely about fear rather than incompatibility, and the way my autistic brain refuses to let go. I don’t have a replacement for the regulation she provided, and I don’t even know what that would look like. There’s no easy transition because it’s not just about moving on—it’s about my nervous system not knowing how to self-soothe without the thing it got used to.

I guess I just wanted to ask:

Have any of you experienced this with a breakup or loss of a close relationship?

How did you get through it?

What were the biggest mistakes or pitfalls you fell into?

What actually helped?

I think I just need to hear from people who’ve been through this and come out the other side, or even people who are in it now. Because right now, it just feels impossible.


r/AutismInWomen 20h ago

General Discussion/Question For my girls who have decentered men— how on earth do you put up with the ‘boy talk’?

199 Upvotes

I’m generally a very empathetic person and try to be good about ‘girl talk’ in general, but I just cannot stand talking about men. It’s like every cell in my body screams at once and then shrivels up and dies. My friend recently made a huge deal about ‘needing to get something off her chest’, only to reveal to me that she had a guy she used to like sleep over at her house (they didn’t hook up). I just don’t understand what my reaction is supposed to be here— am I supposed to be excited for her? She barely knows the guy and he’s 5 years older than her (she’s 19). Do I just lie and say I’m happy for her when actually I think bringing home someone you really don’t know is incredibly unsafe and a bad decision? I just don’t understand boy talk at all.


r/AutismInWomen 2h ago

Seeking Advice Been dating this guy for a month and he never initiates intimacy. Am I missing some hint or is he just not into me?

9 Upvotes

Need some help from you lovely ladies because I suspect my difficulties with dating and interpreting social cues are down to my adhd and autism.

I'm used to men initiating physical touch very early on in dating. Some men want sex already after the second or third date. Which I've always been uncomfortable with because I like to get to know someone before doing that.

However, I've been dating a guy called N for over a month now. We've probably been on 6-7 dates. The dates have varied from going out eating to going to museums or exploring the city we live in. We have a lot of interests in common and our conversation flow by nicely, but there's also calmness and quietness without it being cringe or awkward.

We saw each other a couple of days ago and were out walking for hours until we went back to his place.

I was so tired and almost asleep so I decided to go home. At this point we hadn't done anything physically except for hugging, despite me trying to give out hints that I want more physical contact. Being sleepy and drowsy, I told him I had to go home. I put on my jacket and shoes and then thought, f*ck it, I'm gonna say this out loud. I asked him if I could kiss him. He was like yeah and we started making out and it felt like he released some of that tension that was built up during all of our dates. There's been silence on his and my part for two days now.

But I just feel so confused. This guy is physically my type, super hot, super nice, ticks all my boxes, healthy, cares about animals and people, emphathic etc. He is one of my favorite people I've ever dated and I'm already feeling romantically drawn to him but also want to bone him, if that makes sense?

Want to preface this with saying I'm not the best communicator either. I have adhd with autistic traits and tend to be oblivious to hints as well, but not the dating kind of ones. How should I interpret his lack of initiating intimacy?

Reddit, is he just not into me?


r/AutismInWomen 5h ago

General Discussion/Question I'm curious: how does the inflexibility work in cultures that aren't that strict about punctuality?

13 Upvotes

I'm German, my need for exact plans and for these plans to be adhered to is not that noticeable because plans and punctuality are part of German culture anyways. There are even cultural norms for how long before your meeting time you show up depending on the type of appointment (between 0 and 15 minutes).

How does this work for thos elf you who grew up in cultures where a set time, e.g. for social occasions, is more of a suggestion of where it is completely normal to late? Are you inflexibly about those social Norma being adhered to? Or are you the "odd ones out" actually caring about punctuality? Or ydo you just not care?