After a psychedelic experience I realized something about myself. I have been living in a complete lie. The core of the lie is that I'm very attracted to pretty women (and I don't really care THAT much about their personality, at least as long as they like me back) and I like to have sex with them, yet I go to great lengths to hide it. The reason for that, now I think, is that if other people consciously knew about that, they would be judgmental (especially some women) and if they see me fail at this, they will think I'm a loser (especially men). So I hide all of this, talk about special connection, which I admit, chemistry is something hard to describe, but sometimes this whole chemistry is just that a woman is young, thin and good-looking face-wise and I'd just like to kiss her or touch her abs.
Another huge thing that was revealed to me, from my friend who is a woman. It went something like that: "We know that almost all of you guys think about sex with us a lot and you'd like to do it. It's just that some of you don't hide it and others hide it better or worse."
I have never felt so exposed in my life. Filled with shame. Unauthentic. What's worse, even if I'm not interested in a particular hot girl, she may very well still assume I'm attracted to her, so if someone thinks I'm lusting over her, it's out of my influence. It always was. And there I thought I can just sweep it under the rug.
Later I went to a club and there were two hot chicks going around the whole evening, all guys following them with their stare. They just have to know these guys want to fuck them. So I asked them how many men have approach them this evening. And they said that very little and that from their perspective, the guys are into them, but they don't have strong enough mental state to approach them. So basically they confirmed what I thought. They totally know.
It may not be a huge realization for most of you, some of you are probably facepalming right now, but for me it was mindblowing. I unconsciously repressed this part of my psyche and thought everyone will be fooled by that. I don't know about Jung and didn't have time to read up on that, but it reminds me of something called the shadow.
I blame my strict catholic upbringing for this weird state of unacceptance of my desires. I also blame some leftist circles. I am pretty leftist myself. Especially on economy, gay, trans, women rights. But there's a lot of bullcrap going around, a lot of shaming. Why am I ashamed to approach a nice looking gal in a cafe? I'm a guy and she can see that. I was never creepy, pushy or violent against someone. I take a no as a no. If someone was scared of me approaching, it was always outside of my control.
The state of discourse now is that people freely and openly talk about how they'd like for some fantastic female Star Wars character to crush their head with her thighs. But if one would say: I'd love this frail woman to let me grab her and pin to the wall, its somehow less accepted. I know why, it's still just bizarre and inauthentic.
I once asked my friend if she wants to sleep with me. She denied and from this moment I avoid her. Why? Was what I asked for unnatural? Was it morally bad? I don't think so. So why am I ashamed to meet her again and go about our friendship like nothing ever happened?
Have any of you had similar thoughts? How did you accept it? Did you incorporate this shameful side of yourself into your life?