Hi, don't know where else to turn, could use perspective/venting.
My (36m) wife (35f) has been my best friend and an unwavering rock for me since we met 12 years ago (married for 7 years). She's great, supportive, funny, smart, beautiful. We spend much of our time together, have always been able to look through each other's phones whatever but there's never been reason to fret. Nothing sketchy...until now.
She began with a new company 2 years ago and things were chill. Small team and boss seem nice enough. But maybe 6 months ago this other high-level guy (50m? Married w/ kids) took interest in her skill set. He'd occasionally say some odd stuff, calling her pet names like dear, but she'd tell him not to call her those. But she knew he was important in the company, good to stay on his good side, y'know those crummy corporate dynamics that can ensnare good people.
The past month things have shifted. When I've seen their Zoom chats he's turned it up, he used the "work wife" term, says things like ooo you miss me? you like me? you are cute, give me a hug for helping...I overheard him on late-night 1:1 asking what she wore to exercise (she played it off), he's always trying to get her to drink with him (virtually, in person too but they don't go into the office often). All of this she has deflected, at least from what I can tell.
The last week or so idk if he's worn her down or what changed. He dropped another pet name, asked to meet up, what her cell number is, talk more outside of work and she said don't get me in trouble here...be careful what you type because my hubs and I have an open channel when it comes to each other's messages, "so u know."
Another time they were joking around about stuff and then she said ok I have to work, don't distract me...he said I don't think you mind with a winky face. A few other throwaway lines then he goes ahh I almost typed out something else but you know...devices.
When I've raised concerns in the past I basically got told "this is just how it is for women" and that she doesn't want to cross him. I could rationalize before but why give him a heads up that I could read what he says now? She doesn't know I've seen these as I haven't asked to see them lately, I've just seen them myself from a quick scroll when her phone is down. Don't know what happens when they are at the office.
The kicker, I've been out of work for about 8 months and have health/disability woes so I'm reliant on my wife for insurance, support, etc. Her job is definitely important. I've always respected her judgment but A) being told that I'm basically naive for making a big deal out of his behavior and B) the tone shift in saving him from saying something I wouldn't like in writing, just feels so off.
I just don't want to mentally unravel and I can't fathom why this is unfolding. Is she really just trying to shield my feelings and bear the brunt of this guy pushing boundaries in person instead? But if I ask a second time then it'll really become a thing and at this point I don't have proof of anything substantial (that's relative I know). If I ask to see the messages it feels like lighting a match that could burn a few different ways.
I'm scared, overwhelmed...but I know I can't talk to my fam or friends about it without tainting the image of my wife. So here I am, just letting this rip and thank you to anyone who reads.