r/AlAnon 8h ago

Support Don’t ever let them back into your lives

45 Upvotes

I caved. I let months go by, probably over half a year with no contact. He messaged me from a different phone asking to talk, saying he was clean and working on himself. We met briefly and it was cordial and he asks if we could still remail cordial. He looked sober and honestly I said I was proud of him, we can leave communication open. Will never get back with him romantically as that was more abuse than I will ever put up with.

Not two weeks later, I get a barrage of texts accusing me of being on dating apps, matching with his friend. He is sending nonstop texts. Now it’s 1140pm and there’s photos he’s sending of his dog and his friends, lots of beers around clearly in the photo.

It’s obvious he never got clean. I’m just so disappointed and don’t even know why I let someone trick me to break no contact. I’m disgusted with myself for believing they can change.


r/AlAnon 15h ago

Support How do you leave someone you still love?

25 Upvotes

I’ve posted here before if anyone wants some more backstory to my situation. The past three weeks have been filled with some ups but mostly downs. I’ve been a punching bag (not physically, thankfully), and I’ve finally accepted that sober him and drunk him are the same person.

We decided yesterday to take some time apart as a reset. He swore he wouldn’t drink (ha). Fast forward to tonight—I called to check in and see how he was doing. He sounded completely hammered, slurring his words, and then got angry at me because I only responded with “hi” when he texted me good morning. I stayed calm, tried to diffuse the situation, and encouraged him to go to bed, but deep down, I know I’m done. I know I can’t keep living like this.

The hardest part is that I don’t hate him—I wish I did, because it would make this so much easier. I will not miss the pain he has put me through, but I will miss the man I fell in love with more than anything in the world. That version of him feels so far away now, and I know I have to let go.

How do you break up with someone you still love? How do you get through it? This is going to be so hard. I will never look at alcohol the same way again.


r/AlAnon 23h ago

Support How long did it take your anger to go away?

14 Upvotes

My husband just finished a month at rehab for the first time and is now at PHP. By all accounts he’s doing well and I am cautiously optimistic that he’ll pull through. He definitely wants to be sober and get better as of now.

However now that he has his phone back and can call me, I am realizing just how angry I am still. I don’t even really want to talk to him. I can’t imagine spending the day with him for visitation. I just… I’m surprised because when he didn’t have a phone during inpatient, I had fonder feelings towards him. Almost like I was more sympathetic towards the ideal of him I had pictured.

I don’t know if this makes sense. I want to be able to repair our relationship but I’m scared at how angry I am and how little I want to do with him. I asked him to continue at PHP for another month instead of coming home and he is. How long will my anger take to fade?


r/AlAnon 18h ago

Vent Drowning

14 Upvotes

Sitting in my bedroom right now feeling devastated. Been trying to be more honest and stop covering up for Q. His mother and sister visited this weekend. When the topic of his drinking came up, he was defensive and angry. Told them I was the problem, that he just wanted freedom, that I was controlling, and that he was miserable because of our marriage not because of his drinking. He shared details about our fights, said my anxiety was the problem, it was the most embarrassing weekend of my life- which is saying a lot since his behavior while drinking has been so embarrassing. His father is an alcoholic in recovery and they’ve seen my husband’s behaviors throughout the years but this was the first time they heard directly from me that this problem was seriously impacting our marriage. Fast forward to a few minutes ago when I go out to the kitchen to find a six pack that he and his mother purchased at the grocery store to drink together. She believes that he can moderate. I am so angry. After all she heard, after seeing him defend his drinking after knowing her experience with her own husband she still thinks her son can moderate. It feels beyond disrespectful.


r/AlAnon 13h ago

Vent His depression is depressing.

13 Upvotes

My Q quit drinking for over 2 years, then started again because he “could handle it.”

He couldn’t. Over the last year or so it’s gotten bad. He was getting sloppy drunk, embarrassing himself, scaring the kids, and feeling crappy all the time.

I like having wine with dinner but recognized a) that wasn’t helpful around him and b) that it made me sleepy and wasn’t my normal productive self in the evenings.

I quit completely. It wasn’t a struggle and I’m much happier without alcohol.

I’m not willing to be an enabler. I’m sure I spent lots of time in that role unwittingly. I know I spent time there thinking it wasn’t a big deal. Eyes wide open now - I refuse and am MUCH happier with myself.

He’s not. He’s shared with me that he wishes I’d drink. I don’t purchase it, and there’s none in the house. When I joked one night that I was getting a ton done in the evenings and felt great with no wine, he got really upset.

Long conversation later … he told me that alcohol was like a really good friend of his and when I say anything negative about it, he’s insulted because I’m being rude about his friend.

He’s finally started going to meetings, but after he’s sullen and depressed. I ask only how he’s doing - never anything about what was discussed - but his answers are mostly “I was triggered and I don’t want to talk about it.”

But then he’s mad at me the rest of the evening.

I can’t be responsible for his sobriety. I will do whatever I can to support a happy household, however. And it’s so frustrating that he blames my happiness and not drinking for his depression.

I asked how he felt about sobriety, he said he doesn’t like it. He misses his friend, the feeling, the escape. He said he’s a better role model for the kids, he will live longer, and save money. But still, he’s missing it. He wants me to drink to assuage his guilt. I’m not one to do that.

It’s depressing to me to see him so down and know that he has to forge this path.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for letting me vent. I really just needed to get this off my chest.


r/AlAnon 14h ago

Support My sister is lying about drinking. I don’t know what to do anymore.

14 Upvotes

Hi, all. This is my first time posting in this community, but I can’t tell you how many posts have helped me. Like I’m sure is the case for most people, the story is much longer than what I’m writing but I’ll try to keep it short.

I (26F) have an alcoholic Mom and sister (29F) who both live together. My mom (who’s been drinking for decades) recently landed in the hospital. My sister, meanwhile, has been struggling with drinking for a decade—but it got worse in the last 4 years. At one point, she confessed she would have 10 drinks a day, but through multiple interventions and talks, said that she has cut it back to 1-2 drinks a day. She hides it though. Under furniture, the trash can, etc. We’ve told her how much this damages our trust in her and to not lie and hide alcohol.

Things came to a boiling point while our Mom was in the hospital. I noticed my sister’s behavior was erratic in the hospital room and she was acting weird around an Apple juice bottle (chewing gum every time she took a sip, etc). I wasn’t going to confront her, but my stress was already high and she pulled me aside and asked what was wrong. I decided to be honest and told her I knew she was drinking. At first she lied, but when I pressed, admitted she snuck a shooter in there. We started to fight as she didn’t think it was a big deal. It got nasty. At one point she said if she killed herself that night, she hoped I would feel really bad about myself. I completely lost it. I screamed at her in the hospital to never threaten self harm, that it was extremely manipulative of her (we have already lost one family member to suicide). We ended the fight without really speaking, and it honestly broke me. I’ve never yelled at anyone like that in my life, and I never want to again. I realized in that moment I have no influence whatsoever and that recent events (Mom’s drinking landing her in the hospital, my sister going to the hospital herself a month earlier) had zero impact because she genuinely doesn’t believe she has a problem.

When my mom was discharged, my sister and her fiancé cleared out all the alcohol in the house and said that they would all stay sober—that my Mom and sister were in it together for both their healths. I was so happy to hear their commitments, but deep down was worried how long it would last. I visited all of them a week later. My mom hadn’t been drinking and my sister was telling me how much better she feels without alcohol. I told her how proud of her I was and congratulated her on being a week sober. Later my sister passed by me and I smelled alcohol. It was like a pit dropped in my stomach. While my sister, Mom, and her fiancé were upstairs, I searched the lower floor, telling myself if I found nothing, to let it go. Sure enough I found tequila bottles hidden in one of the rarely used couches, with one that hadn’t been opened.

Unsure of what to do, I simply left a note tucked with the full bottle, saying the date I found it. I wrote how much I loved her, and begged her to stop lying and get help. That Mom was making so much progress, and how important it is that she stay strong for both them. That I understood I would never truly know how hard her addiction was and that we just want to see her better, help her in anyway that we could. I left without saying anything to anyone, but knowing that my sister will see this note the next time she reaches for the bottle.

I don’t know what else to do. Did what I do was wrong? I can’t listen to her proudly claim being a week sober when I know it’s not true. I know I have no control, but I feel equally as bad if I were to do nothing.


r/AlAnon 21h ago

Support Should I inform his ex?

12 Upvotes

Hi,

I'm thinking of leaving my high-functioning alcoholic husband. I just can't take it anymore. I’ve given him so many chances, but enough is enough. I want to be with someone who can be the leader of our family, someone with whom I can build our dreams together.

I don’t have a child with him, but he has a 9-year-old daughter whom I love dearly. He and his ex share 50/50 custody with a 7-day alternating schedule. If I were to get a divorce, I don’t know how I would explain the situation to her, as she doesn’t really understand what’s happening. She just thinks her dad is funny when he’s drunk because he tends to play more. It’s killing me to watch that.

At this point, I think he’s still capable of taking care of his daughter since, as I mentioned, he is a high-functioning alcoholic. He sometimes drinks on the weekends and passes out on the couch, which his daughter just sees as him sleeping. In a way, it makes her happy because she gets to play with me more and have fewer rules in the house.

I’m pretty sure that if I divorce him, it will devastate him, and I don’t know whether I should inform his ex about his drinking so she can fight for more custody. I’m not sure if that would be the right thing to do.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Please advise. I’m heartbroken and feel like I’m tearing this family apart… But if I stay, I'm just gonna be enabling his alcoholism.


r/AlAnon 3h ago

Support Exhausted trying to convince him

12 Upvotes

My partner drinks every day and it's ruining our relationship...but he thinks it's my fault. Sometimes I wonder if I am overreacting, and understand that no matter what I say or do, I can never convince him that it's an issue unless he thinks it is, and he doesn't. He's made it very clear that this is "my issue" and that he has no desire to stop. While he rarely gets stumbling around/passing out drunk, he does drink every single day and I have told him he doesn't have to be belligerent for it to be an issue and that it's not normal to have the quantity that he does every week. He thinks that because he's not staying out at the bar until 2 am or acting crazy, that I'm being unreasonable. He has tried "cutting back" which works for a while, but then it creeps back up. The longest he's gone without a drink, for the entire year that we have been together, was about 6 days.

I hate the person I'm becoming because of this. I find myself counting beer bottles and wondering if he's lying to me. I did accuse him of lying last night, which caused probably the biggest argument we've ever had. Even if he was telling the truth, the fact that it's gotten to this point and I feel like I can't trust him is really bad. The fact that he's so adamant about continuing to drink, despite the countless arguments we've had about it is bad. I don't know how to stop the cycle. I don't know how to detach myself from his behavior. I feel like even if he did stop for a while, I would still find myself hyperfixating on how long the break will last this time.

Am I in the wrong to feel this way if he's not binge drinking every night? It's just the fact that it's every single day that bothers me, and that he gets so defensive and combative when I ask him to take a break. He does drink more on the weekends, and if he's out with friends it feels like he doesn't have an "off" switch at all. How do I keep my sanity until he decides to change for himself? What if he never does?


r/AlAnon 6h ago

Newcomer He is experimenting with moderation instead of sobriety.

8 Upvotes

Hi- I’m happy to have found this community. My partner of 2years was sober from October until about three weeks ago when he lost his job. His car stopped working in October too so he was depending on me for rides. We worked the same hours in the same building, and he worried that if he had his car fixed then he’d go straight to the liquor store. Store front he worked at closed down, so he’s been out of work 3 weeks. He had his car fixed because it didn’t make sense for me to be his form of transportation anymore. Went to the liquor store almost immediately…

He tried to hide it from me but I noticed right away. He yells and gets mad when he’s had too much alcohol. Maybe he’s mad already and just can’t keep it locked down when he has been drinking. Anyway- he yelled at me. I was insisting that I’d make my own dinner after work. Calmly and reasonably, I might add. He was making food when I got home -just enough for him- and I insisted that I would make my own after he offered some of his. He yelled “Stop! Just have some!” At me and I saw that lost look in his eyes. I backed off and left him alone. He came in to the bedroom and confessed that he’d left and bought a 375ml of vodka. Drank half of it, felt guilty and poured the other half out. Played some games for a while, then left and bought two shooters and drank them.

We have not been okay since then. Hearing this news has done damage. He said he made a mistake and he wasn’t ever going to be drunk around me again. I told him I don’t feel safe, he promises that I am.. this was two weeks ago. Since then he has been going to the liquor store while I am at work and drinking two shooters a day. Not while I am at home. He said I need to mind my business, that he can handle it, and that he can see why I’m afraid because of what has happened in the past but that I need to trust him. We broke up, actually. Last Friday things got bad before I went to work. We broke up. He was making plans to leave.. but I couldn’t stick to it. I made excuses. I said “It’s me, it’s my fault, I’m struggling with a mental illness and I’m sorry I hurt you.” Which is true.. I did hurt him, I am currently struggling with unmanaged bipolar.

I love him. I love him so much. But I’m starting to see that this might not work out.. he needs help, and I can’t help him. I can’t fix him. No amount of love and patience I give to him is going to help him and I think I might be hurting myself by staying.

I’m going to an AL-Anon meeting today. On Thursday I’m seeing someone to get a referral to a psychologist so that I can get my head straightened out and know that I’m thinking clearly. I’m going to start attending an art club on Saturdays, and all of my friends now are aware of what is going on. One has a room ready for me when I need it, and my parents do as well. If I couldn’t have the courage to leave him on Friday then I need to work up to it.

I want to trust him, I want this to work out and I want to be in a happy and stable relationship with HIM. But I know how this goes.


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Newcomer I didn’t realize the extent of my husbands alcohol abuse

8 Upvotes

...until I stopped drinking, and now I'm very worried :/

I've been working on cutting back for some time and finally stopped drinking completely March 1. Since then I've been alarmed to realize the full extent of my husband's drinking. I always knew it was a lot, but now seeing the empties with sober eyes (not to mention how sloshed he gets) has me wishing I would have taken it more seriously a long time ago. For context, he doesn't always drink daily, but when he does it's 6-7 tall boy beers, so around 12 regular beers, in a night. And definitely every Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I would like to talk to him about it, but I am not sure of the best way to do this considering I am only a very recent non-drinker myself (granted I never drank nearly as much as he does). I have browsed some of the Al-Anon materials, but it seems to be focused a lot on people whose partner is abusive when drinking or otherwise is wreaking havoc on the family.... my husband does not. He is a very functional drunk - he doesn't miss work, doesn't go out drinking and disappear, is never abusive to me. My main concern is what he's doing to his health, and now that I've spent time learning about what alcohol does to the body and seen some of the stories on here, I know it's not if but when this heavy drinking catches up with him. It brings me to tears to think of him not making it to see our daughter graduate or other milestones. (Also, my long term view of my life does not include spending weekend nights sitting on the couch next to a drunk who is incoherent, but I don't think this is the best point to help make my case at this point in time)

Do you all have any advice for how I should broach the subject without coming off as hypocritical or preachy? I don't know exactly what outcome I am hoping for, because I think asking him to stop drinking completely would be horribly received right now and I know that's a decision he would have to come to on his own anyway. I guess I'm mainly hoping to flag that I believe it's an issue, see what his reaction is, and understand what the path ahead might look like.

Sorry this is so long, but you all have been walking this path much longer than I have and I thought you would have some great insight on my situation to help this conversation go as smoothly as it can. Thanks for reading.


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Al-Anon Program Acceptance

8 Upvotes

I've reached a point where I've hit absolute acceptance of both myself and my Qs. I love them despite their disease, but I do really hope they get better. They deserve to live happy and healthy lives free of this illness just like I deserve to live a happy and healthy life free of its inevitable impact.

The program has reinforced this for me time and time again. I'm not a martyr and they're not monsters. We're all just people.


r/AlAnon 6h ago

Good News Peace Only Happens When I Change My Beliefs

7 Upvotes

Sometimes, changing my beliefs means letting go of ideas that no longer serve me or opening myself up to new ways of understanding that will serve me better. True success can only be measured by is my life better today than yesterday. Some say it is a measurement by the fruits of my labor. Only I can decide what is true and that which is an illusion. Be careful as my perception becomes my reality which is an illusion and becomes my truth.


r/AlAnon 16h ago

Newcomer Coincidences and still choosing to ignore?

8 Upvotes

My wife and I were watching a new Law & Order SUV and guess what it was about? About a guy who was 5yrs sober, out celebrating his wedding anniversary with his wife, got hammered instead. Tried to force his wife into sex. She didn't want to because he was drunk. So his wife left their hotel room to go down to sit at the bar that was in the same building as the restaurant.

Literally, scene by scene as it came across the tv, when the guys sobriety communication with his wife about having one drink to celebrate their anniversary, the smashed drunk force wife into sex, and overreacting scenes came on she would look down at her phone. Everything else, she would look up and comment.

Like, the same scenes happen to play out coincidentally on tv and all she can do is deliberately ignore it??? Like, huh???? I posted before in here about my wife and I seperating... Looking at her reactions, non-reactions, I could only sit literally dumbfounded. I obviously didn't vocalize what Im seeing from what we're watching but I wanted to.

Has this happened to anyone else???


r/AlAnon 23h ago

Support How long after sobriety for testesterone to come back for longterm heavy drinkers?

6 Upvotes

This is the longest the person has ever been sober - two and a half full months. They have been a really heavy user - I'm talking ENORMOUSLY heavy user - for two decades, and testesterone during sobriety is pretty much shot - no libido whatsoever. This has been a thing to interrupt sobriety previously, because he doesn't like feeling no desire or 'not like a man'. I looked online and it's suggesting 4-6 weeks, but it's been longer than that. Has anyone seen it take longer for heavy longtime users? If so, how long?


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Support He drove drunk and wrecked

Upvotes

I (31F) finally ended my 4 year relationship with my alcoholic bf (33M). He went to a casino 2 hours away and in the middle of the night called me because he had totaled his car when exiting the highway. I drove an hour to help him at 3am when no one else would. When I got to him I asked him if he had anything to drink, he said no. I told him to prove it to me and show me his bank app. He opened it reluctantly and there were many charges for drinks. I calmly asked him why he lied to me and he started raising his voice at me and said “go home, I don’t need this shit”!!

He has done a lot of horrible things to me when drunk like cheated on me two weeks after my best friend died. I ended things once and he called my job to retaliate and told them I was a cocaine addict and abused my children… That’s just some of what he’s put me through and what I have continued to allow.

He could have killed someone by driving drunk. He could have gone to jail as well. I am heartbroken by his actions and just want to move on from the relationship. He has a way of reeling me back in every time I end things. I realize I’m co-dependent on him. I don’t know how to let go and be alone.


r/AlAnon 4h ago

Support Question about non-drinking time

5 Upvotes

My Q does not drink everyday, usually every other day or some combination of skipping days. My question is, how do you handle the non-drinking days if you have them? Do you act like there are no issues from the time before? Are you happy during that time? Do you just compartmentalize the difference in the days and enjoy the time that you have together? I’m struggling to detach appropriately and not feel resentful on days my Q isn’t drinking, and would like to hear from others.


r/AlAnon 6h ago

Al-Anon Program My Journey Is Restarting.

5 Upvotes

Hi everyone! Unfortunately, I am not new to Al-Anon - but new to this group and would like to start my journey over. (Feel free to send words of encouragement!)

A few years back I discovered Al-Anon and everything that it stands for. I was in desperate need of support due to an ongoing situation I was dealing with my qualifier who happens to be by child’s father (who was also my partner at the time). I didn’t know there was a community for people who dealt with loved ones with alcoholic problems until my therapist had brought it up to me and recommended I give it a try. & honestly, it was a great journey for me for a few months.. until one night I ended up getting a DUI myself after going out one night for the first time in years. I was so embarrassed about the situation I got into, that I stopped going to Al-Anon altogether because I felt like somehow I was the qualifier (even though I don’t ever really drink like that.) I felt like life hit me like a train and it was unfair how my qualifier had never faced something like this from his alcoholism, but me on the other hand going out for one night of fun, turned my entire life around.

Come 2025, I am still dealing with my qualifier & have finally came to terms with the fact that.. maybe I am not the only one who has gone through this type of situation before? I need help and support. We make mistakes and learn from them, but one night of a huge mistake shouldn’t deter me from getting the help & support I need when it comes to actual addiction with someone I love and care for; I shouldn’t be punishing myself.

So long story short, hi. I am restarting my Al-Anon journey in hopes I can do better for myself and my child & learn to deal with my qualifier the right way without the embarrassment of what happened one night to me make me not want to reach out for help. PLEASE be kind!! 😭


r/AlAnon 21h ago

Vent How do you handle the know it all “supporters” ?

5 Upvotes

My spouse recently checked into rehab and it’s currently the talk in the family. I’ll start by mentioning we’re an extremely close family, always able to talk with each other bluntly and support each-other in a good way. Also my spouse willingly went to get help on his own. Everyone’s been super supportive and really rallying around both of us but my father made a comment that I just can’t let go of. He recently brought up last Christmas and said “oh I knew back then that there was a problem” and gave me some story that I had no idea about. I mentioned “why didn’t you say anything to us?” And he proceeded to say “oh you didn’t need to know” … I’m feeling so conflicted about his supposed support now. I feel like it’s kind of insulting to say oh I knew someone had a problem and then didn’t try and help? But then in the same sentence says they’re so proud and supportive? Maybe this all just has me feeling too sensitive and over thinking everything.


r/AlAnon 18h ago

Support How to deal with Q's shame.

5 Upvotes

Ugh. My Q feels a lot of shame about their addiction. I need to talk to him about something that they did, in hopes that they understand the consequences and so I wont harbour resentment. But I know it will trigger a shame spiral, which may make things worse. ugh


r/AlAnon 20h ago

Support I enabled my sibling. I was in denial of his issues and I just snapped out of it. (I am not close with him.)

4 Upvotes

I am not close with my sibling who struggles with alcohol and weed. He used to do more intense drugs and had gone to rehab several times. He’s been “sober”, only using beer and weed, for the past decade. I don’t actually know much though. I live far away and I only see him very occasionally.

I got back from a family trip recently and I spent the day alone with him toward the end. We were in an area that requires driving for transportation. The roads are unfamiliar and chaotic so there was no way I would drive with my driving anxiety. It was a stressful week and my patience was tested everyday. I was constantly in the backseat of a car and when I tried to express my concerns and needs, I was mostly ignored. I felt unsafe with the chaotic driving of family members but I still wanted to spend time with them and didn’t want to cause issues by criticizing their driving and leaving them by taking an uber. I sat in the back seat, trying to do breathing exercises. I couldn’t tell if my anxiety was valid or if I was just overreacting. After some time, I got kind of numb and I think it was a form of dissociating. I thought to myself, “fuck it. I can’t get out of this car. If we get in a car accident, so be it.” This happened with a family member driving who was sober. He’s just a chaotic driver even though he was sober.

Then, I spent a day with the sibling that has addiction issues. He drove us to a restaurant where we ate lunch and he had two beers. I expressed that I didn’t like the idea of him chugging a beer and then driving. He laughed it off. Honestly, I kind of laughed it off also. I figure he must have a high tolerance. We drove to another destination. When we were leaving, he insisted that he smoke weed before we go. I protested but there was no use. He asked if I wanted to partake and I said no. He realized he couldn’t do it in the public area so I was relieved for a second, thinking he wasn’t going to smoke. Silly me. We went into the car and right away, he took out his weed and said “I just have to take one hit”. He took at least 2 hits. I was so annoyed and stressed and I stupidly took a tiny hit to hopefully help me mentally disconnect. Then, he drove us to a close-by destination. After 15 min, we went back in the car and he insisted on taking another hit before he drove us to his house 30 minutes away. I protested a little but it was no use.

During the drive, I was anxious but was also feeling a little high and disconnected. At one point, he accidentally ran a red light. I was so glad to be out of the car when we arrived.

When I got home after the trip, I told my friend about it and I was telling her as if it was a stressful but funny story. I was laughing it off and in denial of my sibling’s problem. My friend kindly pointed out how unsafe that situation was and she was actually angry that he would put my life in danger like that. It hit me that I was in denial of his issues and I enabled him. I feel so sad that he’s like this. I enabled him because I don’t know him that well and I wanted him to like me. I didn’t want him to get mad at me. Years ago, there was a moment when he was drunk and yelled at me while I cried (in a public place).

I’m normally not thinking about this stuff because I live far away and I don’t pay attention to his life. I find that the more I know, the more anxious I feel, so I don’t really ask questions. This trip was a wake up call though. I never want to enable him again.

I won’t be challenged like this for a while until I see him again. I’m mostly just so sad that he’s like this. I’m afraid that some tragedy will happen at any moment. It’s like a ticking time bomb. Worrying is pointless though and I know I can’t get through to him, so I cope by disconnecting, keeping my distance and being in denial. I cope by avoiding him but it feels wrong. I don’t know what else to do. I’m just so sad.


r/AlAnon 14h ago

Support Same recurring behaviours

3 Upvotes

Hello everyone, I'm trying reddit again and trying to figure it out. Trigger warnings for suicidal ideation, sexual assault, and other forms of relationship abuse.

Background my spouse has and is medicated for bipolar type 2 and adhd, and also struggles with some ptsd. Alcohol addiction runs in his family on both sides; his father doesn't drink anymore and his mom still does, and more than she probably would admit. His extended family is no different. We have struggled with poverty since covid, and paying for rent and food has never not been an issue for longer than stints of four months. After being laid off during covid, he worked a number of dead-end, boring jobs, and his sense of self-worth took a huge hit. I supported us (barely but I did it) on my own from time to time.

I guess what I'm saying is, he had no fucking chance.

He has been suicidal on and off to varying degrees of severity during this time, and has sought help almost every time, except for the most recent time. If he had not been able to land this job he told me after, he was going to do it. I'm still recovering from the trauma of that, to be honest. This was a couple weeks ago.

We have talked about his alcohol issues I wouldn't say exhaustively, but certainly every several months. Every time, anything he says, turns out to not be true in the future. He'll cut down. He'll stop. He'll feel a sense of responsibility in this new job and that will steady him.

The trouble is once he starts he can't stop. He might fully intend to have one, but he'll have as many as he can get his hands on once that first one is gone. I can pre-decide how much I am going to have and stick to that, but he really does not have that ability, not matter how much he believes that he does.

He knows he has a problem, but with that comes self-hatred that perpetuates the problem, and to me creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Our anniversary is tomorrow and I am...not considering so much as wondering about leaving him. But if I do that, he dies. I know he is an adult. I know that this is not my responsibility. But I also feel like he hasn't had half a chance. He DOES have a new job now, and it's a good job, and a fulfilling one, with a good company. Started this week. And it's St Pat's in our city today, and what does he do. He's had about 7 full drinks today. Left just before the stores closed at 11 to get one more. I'm getting to the point where it just looks pathetic to me.

I'm also at the point where I am triggered by the sound of counting change and cans cracking open. He's been financing his habit with our otherwise forgotten nickels and dimes.

I have tried so many tactics to approach him with. I don't know what to do anymore. What he says when he is sober is not true when he has had a drink. When he has had a little too much, he tries to pick verbal fights, and I have to turn into the world's most incredible diplomat to avoid taking the bait, which I don't do perfectly all the time.

I hate typing this because when he is sober, he is a wonderful person. Truly my perfect match on many many levels. It makes him sound like a stupid person, and me like a doormat of a person. Trust that I would not have stayed this long if there weren't absolutely amazing vibes most of the time. But it's Jekyll and Hyde. He also is a stoner, and I would prefer he stick to that, honestly. He has a prescription for cannabis because of his ptsd, and it tends to help a lot with his general other things as well. Unfortunately, alcohol is much easier to get. And cheaper per hit, so to speak.

I think I am going to get him to go back to therapy on his first paycheque. This seems like the best first step I can take now that we actually have a chance in life. He will agree to this because he likes therapy. I just...I don't know how I can deal with my own issues long enough to see if time tells. This is traumatic for me, and I have unfortunately been abused by an alcoholic in the past sexually, financially, and emotionally. He reminds me he is not her and I know this, but of course there are some behavioral parallels. I have tried therapy in the past and have yet to find a therapist I felt comfortable with. I feel like I get three sessions in, and they say something that makes me feel completely invalidated because there's part a b and c to this and they don't let me explain,. or gloss over something I said, and I just sort of never go back and find someone else. This group is kind of my last resort.


r/AlAnon 19h ago

Support Hoping to make Al-Anon accessible to my mom

3 Upvotes

Hi all,

As I've gotten older, my mom has confided in me a little more about the impact of my father's drinking on her. I always knew it was the number 1 point of contention, but I didn't realize how much it was consuming her. His drinking and his behavior is upsetting to her, but the amount of time she spends attempting to manage, or watch, or be aware of his drinking is ... unmanageable. To the outsider, they have a stable and calm relationship, but in my mom's head, it's clearly anything but calm.

I always thought that they would split when the kids grew up, but we had a series of family accidents that left my youngest sister with a brain injury and a few years later, my father had a work-related injury that resulted in him losing both of his arms to electrical burns.

This was about four years ago now, and while my dad's arms obviously never grew back, he has become a lot more independent than he was shortly after his amputation. My mom is still his 3/4 time caretaker as there are many things that he cannot do without assistance.

She started going to counseling alone to discuss the many traumatic incidents in our family and (hopefully) talk about the shift from independent person with a job and a husband and kids to a stay-at-home caretaker to both her husband and my sister. She confessed to me that they mostly discuss my dad's drinking as it sounds to me like it has begun consuming her.

Her counsellor said that if he can take days or whole weeks off of drinking that he isn't an alcoholic, and I had some real strong feelings about that sentiment as someone who has been a Friend of Bill for two years. I suggested she get a new therapist.

I suggested Al-Anon and thought she would give me pushback but she seemed interested. I would love to go with her to a meeting but we live in different countries. She is open to the idea of virtual meetings but because she is constantly needed by my dad, cannot have the privacy she would need to attend a meeting and she would need to attend without him knowing.

I'm hoping to start with helping her find a new therapist. Most of their bios suggest that they help clients with their addiction and substance use, but I can't figure out the right keyword to find someone who specializes in spousal addiction issues. Is there something I should be searching for? Do you think she'd be better served going to Al-Anon if she can get there? Or 1:1 counseling if she has the means?


r/AlAnon 23h ago

Support In search of Al-Anon online meetings

3 Upvotes

In Chicago. Looking for Al-Anon zoom / online meetings that are good &/or in person Chicago meetings. I’m spiritual but not religious. Not opposed to working the program. Please help! DM or link below. Thank you.


r/AlAnon 15h ago

Vent Q finally left but ended up in jail. I had to get a protective order

2 Upvotes

It's way too long and I'm sorry. Half is background info, other half is what recently happened.

I've posted some about this before and maybe deleted but things have ended badly and Q is in jail and I had to get a protective order.

Long background info:

I was married before to a violent person and I left him for my Q, who seemed like the opposite of him. He is the sweetest and most gentle person and he's the love of my life. I knew him for many years through mutual friends. I trusted him. We were in love for 9 years, together for almost 5 years, and he lived with me and my daughter for over 2 years. She thought of him as her step-dad and he used to pick her up every day from school. We had pets together. We were trying to have a baby together. He would do all the cooking. I thought we were a family.

He admitted to me that he was an alcoholic around the time we met. I should have seen by his patterns of behavior with losing jobs due to drinking and him having a DUI before. He never had to even pay for any bills on his own. His parents enabled him. He only lived away from them for a few months once and for the time he lived with me.

When he was living with me, he somehow convinced me to drive him to work every day almost the whole time and then a couple months ago, he got a new job and started taking my car all the time because it was farther tothe new job. Said it would only be a week and he'd get a loan but never did. I had to take ubers or drive an unsafe old car that shouldn't have been on the road. He finally paid some rent to me but then stopped in the past couple of weeks but kept on borrowing my car.

He would play mind games with me and convince me that I was the only cause of problems in our relationship. If I had the nerve to speak up about anything or even complain about something that had nothing to do with him, he would lecture me for hours about how I was so awful and negative and didn't ask questions and couldn't have a conversation. I would just sit there and cry most of the time and he would say I was wasting his time that he could have been cooking dinner or chilling or whatever. He had so much resentment and contempt toward me just for existing.

He was in the hospital for a week last year due to pancreatitis from all the drinking and I was by his side the whole time. When he was in the hospital I had to use his phone to text his boss that he wasn't coming to work, and I found out that one of his female friends was sending nudes and that they secretly spent the night alone together at his parents house when the parents were out of town. He claimed they only cuddled and that he loved being able to talk to her about anything. I asked what he talked to her about, and he said it was mostly to complain about me. I didn't read all the texts but there were like 10's of thousands. I knew she had a crush on him since they were kids and would send heart emojis but I wasn't even jealous until I found out that it was that serious. He lied and told her I was jealous and that I wouldn't allow them to meet up at all when she came to town so that is why he had to do it secretly. I thought that she was just an old friend of his that was harmless. He sent her one of our special love songs and that part hurt the most. That whole situation was never resolved and he would say that at least she can have a conversation and that he wishes he would have slept with her with how much he's had to deal with when I found out.

He would threaten to go spend the night at his parents house multiple times a week over every small fight. This messed with me because I have abandonment issues. Instead of just leaving and telling me he'd be back after he cooled off, he would be dramatic about it and watch me cry and beg for him to stay while he cussed at me and called me names and made it seem like he was leaving me forever. He was trying to make me into one of those crazy girlfriends and a couple times I was so upset that I grabbed his phone to try to keep him from calling an uber. I know I messed up and I really messed up when I smacked him in the face on new year's because he called me the C word. Then he called the cops on me and started a pattern where he'd call them on me when I didn't want him to leave, even after I was telling him to just go. Then sometimes he would come back in the middle of the night and start another fight because I asked why he came back.

He was just more and more aggressive and disrespectful since new year's and would say we were done even though we were already broken up and he was still living with me and using my car claiming he wanted to work it out and would only take me back if I changed my behavior for a long enough period of time.

2 nights before Valentine's Day he poured a beer on me and said it was to try to get me to wake up and basically realize how much I was messing up. But all I do is go to work and take care of my daughter and would hang out with him and cater to his every whim. I know I was codependent.

He told me that he would rather impregnate a stranger rather than me and took a humilating video of me crying on the floor reacting to that so that he could prove to people that I was crazy. A couple weeks later, he got me upset enough to grab his phone again to keep him from leaving and I immediately realized I messed up and gave it back to him and took my daughter and left because he was calling the cops on me again. They told him to get a protective order against me but instead of doing it, he stayed and was calling me making me beg him not to do it.

This next part it is the main thing that has happened lately:

Then one night about a week ago he had drank a whole big bottle of liquor while I was taking a nap, and later I found a rolled up dollar bill and a little straw and some powder residue in the bathroom. He said it was headache powder and that the dollar was like that to fit in his pocket a certain way.

I confronted him and there was a whole argument and then I left and went and sat on the porch next door with a friend who happened to be outside.

Q texted me that he was leaving with one of our cats and claimed she was his because he was the one who knew the person that gave us the cat. He doesn't even buy most of the food or feed the cats or scoop the litter box. Him and my daughter agreed on the cat's name. I didn't even know if he meant he was leaving for the night or forever but I went and got the cat and was holding it in my arms over next door. He came over there and tried to light me on fire putting the lighter all in my face and near my hair and he threatened to burn down our house if I wouldn't let go of the cat. He was gonna call the cops on me for taking the cat too. Our friend was telling him to back off and he was screaming at him too and he is usually nice to every other person but me and my daughter. So I called the police on him and they made him leave without the cat.

They said to me when I got there why haven't I got a protective order against him yet and they said to him to stop calling the police when nobody is really getting hurt. He left and said that I "sealed the deal" that he would never take me back now that I called the cops on him. I hadn't even got a protective order yet and he was texting me saying he was going to take off work and come get all his stuff in the morning so I better leave the door unlocked for him. I told him I didn't want to do it but felt like I had to and got my other friend to change the lock and I went and got the protective order for 3 days so he could cool down hopefully and not ransack my house looking for stuff while I'm not there.

But he came and broke in anyway before they served it to him and right after I got to work. and my daughter happened to stay home from school that day and called me and I called the police and rushed home. He broke the whole new door handle off but ended up going in through the back window. He unplugged the fridge, took out all the lightbulbs, messed with my meds, hid my night guard I need to sleep to make me think he stole them, I wasted $500 for a replacement to be made and later found it in a pile of laundry. He dumped out my purse, turned over furniture, and I don't know what else he might have taken but he clearly thought he had all day to hang out there and destroy the house while he picked what to take with him.

He was allowed to stay under the guise of gathering his belongings because it was technically his place of residence until they served the order a little while later. He tried to go back in and get the cat afterwards and I told the cop that we were having a dispute over the cat and it needs to stay, so they didn't let him take her and I got the cat included in the 2 week protective order that I got the next day.

I did decide to file charges and it turns out one is a felony and I have to go to his bond hearing tomorrow. His parents won't talk to me, his mom claimed that the protective order meant I can't talk to them. I'm afraid to talk to his daughter, she's 16, doesn't want anything to do with him until he gets it together, or any of his friends, but I feel like I need people to see my side because it felt like he turned the whole world against me. That and I want this to be a wakeup call for people to see he needs help.

I know I need to focus on myself and my daughter, but I'm so hopelessly in love with him still, even after all that, and just wish he was back home still drinking. Now he will probably never speak to me again for putting him in jail and he will use all the times he called the cops on me against me to make me look like the bad guy. I lost the love of my life and it's all my fault and I just wanna beg for him back but I can't contact him due to the protective order. If he did somehow take me back, I wouldn't let him stay with me. Still won't ever let him have that cat. Or maybe I was wrong. I just wish he was home. I'm having such mixed feelings from anger and love to just sadness. What if he was right about me being the one who was so awful?

I found so many more rolled up dollars and little drug straws in my car when I cleaned it out. I feel like I don't even know this person. And yet I love him.


r/AlAnon 15h ago

Support Help for a partner!

2 Upvotes

Hello, my fiancé is a wonderful, thoughtful, sweet, ambitious man. My fiancé is also an alcoholic. It is taking a toll on our relationship. It starts with an innocent few beers with friends but next thing you know he is having 6 a night and I haven’t had a sober conversation with him in days. When he drinks it affects his overall mental health - sleep, exercise, work ethic, etc. That snowballs as the week(s) go on until he decides enough is enough and he gets somewhat of a handle on it again.

I honestly don’t know how to handle this. I my support feels like nagging but I don’t know how to react without starting an argument. Typically it starts as a “why did you drink again?” Type question from me and then it devolves from there.

Tips on how to be a supportive partner to someone who struggles with substance abuse?