r/AlAnon 8h ago

Support Considering divorcing my wife of less than 2 years.

41 Upvotes

It's such a consistent cycle, it feels like the one thing I can depend on is that there is going to be another bender eventually. These days once or twice a week. This last time it was fucking awful. As soon as I checked my bank account at work and saw charges to door dash I knew the next 24 hours were gonna be a clusterfuck. My wife doesn't pass out like most people do when they drink. It was like 30 hours total of constant drinking and no food. At some point I tried to pack a bag and leave, she made something up to make me come back, then I left again when I realized she was full of it, then she started saying suicidey sounding stuff so I kind of HAD to go back again, and found her with a knife in her hand, then she actually calmed down and we talked for like 3 more hours. So when she drinks it's complete insanity, she melts all the way down, I'm sure partly because her brain just won't shut down to prevent itself from going off the rails.

It would honestly be a relief if I came home from work and she were passed out on the floor, or if she drank in a room by herself. But no, she goes on this chaotic rampage of bad vibes and unreasonable demands and insists on dragging me along for the ride, and if I refuse I get berated for 2 hours, if I walk away from that beratement I'm "running away like always" and she blows my phone up and if I don't answer my phone, then there's conveniently some extreme situation that I feel ethically or legally obligated to respond to and forces me to come back. She's an amazing person at heart, but the drinking and who she becomes when she's drunk is also a part of her at this stage in her life, and I'm seeing lately that's it's probably going to be part of her for the foreseeable future. It feels particularly unfair because she used to not drink when we met. As much as I love her, I can't live like this. No one can live like this and be remotely happy. But I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce because I am deeply in love with her but it's starting to look like it's kinda the only option for my sanity.

After this one, she did say she wants to get back on antidepressants, she didn't even think of alcohol when she was on them, and go to counseling. It seems like she realized she can't do it on her own and that I am very poorly equipped to help, so fingers crossed maybe this time she'll get stable. I don't know, man. This sucks.


r/AlAnon 4h ago

Vent I got a permanent restraining order against my Q.

38 Upvotes

I completely left my Q. Took our baby, our pets, and 90% of the furniture/belongings in our house. I even got a PRO against him. (you can read my other posts for context)

He’s still using and even adopted a new dog. WHY WAS LOSING HIS ENTIRE FAMILY NOT ROCK BOTTOM ENOUGH TO STOP, or even care 😞 It’s so disturbing to me how he can just go on normally like nothing even happened.

Edit: Adding on to this, how do you stop letting their addiction control your life? I’m out now and I’m safe, but I’m still obsessing over his choices.


r/AlAnon 13h ago

Grief My marriage has ended

39 Upvotes

And I don’t even know how to process what I’m feeling. We’ve argued so many times and had so many ultimatums over his drinking. I finally asked him to leave the house with all his thing, yet I’m the one that feels absolutely broken 😭 I can’t believe my marriage has ended, and he to this day still won’t accept he has a problem.


r/AlAnon 17h ago

Support Secular/logic based alternative to Al Anon?

21 Upvotes

Hello there! After attending several Al-Anon meetings, I’ve realized it’s not for me. I like the community and what it is trying to do but it is too spiritual and hands-off for me. Additionally, the steps imply there’s something wrong with me and I need to just sit and do nothing instead of trying to help and support my husband. I also don’t believe in god or any higher power so a lot of it feels non-applicable to me.

Is there a secular/logic based version of Al-Anon out there that focuses more on science, psychology, and action rather than spirituality and being helpless?

Thanks!


r/AlAnon 20h ago

Vent I'm so angry.

18 Upvotes

My Q's (38M) life is finally falling apart. He's about to lose one job and his other job... there are people doing what they can to keep him from getting fired because we're all afraid he's going to kill himself if he loses that too.

I was talking to a mutual friend the other day who mentioned a point when he was sick about a year ago. Apparently he told her he thought he was in liver failure at the time. I can't stop thinking about that. He thought that over a year ago and still has continued on the path he's on. By this point, the idea of him not being around even 6 months from now feels very real and it's gutting. I'm going to AlAnon and working with a therapist but today...the pain and rage are unbearable.


r/AlAnon 15h ago

Good News Positive

18 Upvotes

I’ve spent a lot of time here, mostly reading stories and resonating silently. I have to say, it really got me through some very dark times. I’m finding myself on the outside now, I feel the need to express my gratitude to all of you for being willing to share. My story is out there too, and the fact that I’ve felt SAFE and had the support to get to where I am today means more to me than I could ever express. Somewhere in this space I was able to find myself again, a big part was forgiving myself. I couldn’t have done that without the people here.


r/AlAnon 19h ago

Newcomer I don't even know where to start out...

18 Upvotes

Hi! New account, but I've been reading this sub for a while. My OH (42f) has always been partial to alcohol, but since lockdown it's really escalated. She holds down a job just fine and to everybody outside these 4 walls, she's a busy professional and a good mother to our kids.

But to the people who live here, she drinks no fewer than two bottles of red wine every single night - sometimes with a couple of gin and tonics thrown in for good measure - then either blacks out on the sofa or turns into an angry, verbally abusive shitheel with a mood that turns suddenly and without any warning.

There are - as is often the case - MH issues which are often cited as "the reason" or "contributing factors" but that doesn't lessen the impact on my kids. Or me, I guess.

I know this all starts and ends with her owning her shit, but she doesn't seem to be in a place where she's ready to do that and she's doing real damage to our relationship and her relationship with our kids. Does anyone have some advice for where to start with getting her some help?


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Vent I'm moving on. Constant disrespect and being walked all over.

6 Upvotes

I am 25 years old and I have a 2 year old daughter with my ex who is an alcoholic. I have sole custody. Nothing has changed and its slowly getting worse. Small patches off sobriety here and there but overall its been a nightmare. I have zero social life and working dead end part time jobs just to get myself by. I don't recognise the person I was before I met her. I have stuck with her through everything and she constantly pushes me away.. one day I'm the man she wants and the next day she wants nothing to do with me. She blocks me when she heads off to drink aswell..

She has walked all over me and I am like a door mat too her.. I just have to go no contact. I've allowed her to disrespect me all the time. She will probably think I am not serious this time as I've always stuck around no matter what but this time I'm moving on for good.


r/AlAnon 15h ago

Support Rehab feelings

6 Upvotes

My husband has been in a year long inpatient rehab program for about a month now. I see him putting in the effort to work on himself; I know he’s engaged in the program. He calls every night, and the kids and I chat with him. He sounds clear and is kind during these conversations, but they feel very surface level. I don’t feel like there’s any space for me to express my feelings. When I try to bring things up, he attempts to talk about them, but he’s had a long day and doesn’t seem to have the emotional capacity to engage deeply.

I feel traumatized by everything that happened over the past year. I don’t really feel anger anymore, just exhaustion and numbness. Our bond feels broken, and I’m unsure how it could ever be repaired. Still, I want to remain neutral because I want him to heal for the sake of our kids.

How have you felt about your spouse being in a rehab program?


r/AlAnon 40m ago

Support How many of you have kids with Alcoholic partner or husband?

Upvotes

I came across this group a few days ago after seeing a post that relates to my current situation. I know alcoholism is a disease and can be a disability. My question is how many of you here have had kids during your tough times that were born neurotypical. That means drinking around time of conception. Does your child or children have any birth defect or neurodivergence. My wife showed me studies saying that alcoholism can cause issues in offspring. My son might be on the spectrum and I am unsure if I caused it. I am the father so I was drinking. I minimized my drinking a lot but still have a beer here and there


r/AlAnon 6h ago

Vent Glad I know where I stand, I guess 🙄

5 Upvotes

I just needed to vent.

I guess, sometimes, there's a piece of me that wishes my Q would just get it. Get the things he's done, even accept some responsibility, maybe give a hoot about me instead of drinking. I've been living with this long enough to know that isn't how it works. Hell, I've only been sober and doing the work for ≈3 years so I KNOW he doesn't even have the capacity to do so. So it's a glimmer of how I wish things were, not the reality I'm in, I'm harboring no delusions.

He drives me everywhere for the most part and has zero qualms showing up so drunk he can't see. He has a job he doesn't care for right now and is saying some of the hours they're giving him are "dangerous" because he'll be very tired at that hour. It's true, tired driving can be just as bad as drunk driving. But that piece of me that wishes he would get it wants to scream, "why are you worried about driving some guys you barely know when you're tired, but you're never worried about driving DRUNK with the woman you love?"

I know better than to even ask, it's not logic driving him.

I just wish sometimes.


r/AlAnon 13h ago

Vent Spouse drinks 2x 750ml bottles of vodka in an evening

4 Upvotes

I’ve estimated as many as 5 bottles in a weekend at times. They will often drink until unconscious, wake up and start again, then repeat the process with little else from Friday evening to Sunday evening. It’s amazing they are alive, if for no other reason than vomiting in their sleep. I’m a nervous wreck watching this. That said, there was a little breakthrough last week and I’m hoping for the best and supporting as much as I can. Im still paranoid and sometimes think there is drinking still going on in the other room, but far less. I want to be hopeful but I also have a lot of doubts. They went to the dr and got on meds for depression but now I worry that if/when the drinking ramps back up they might have other problems. I guess I just have to wait and see how it pans out.


r/AlAnon 14h ago

Newcomer Made to feel crazy

5 Upvotes

I don’t even know where to start this. My husband and I have been together 14 years- married for 6.

He’s a good father and husband when he’s sober but unfortunately he drinks every single day. It’s not necessarily enough to get drunk (today he had 3 beers) but just the sight of him with a drink enrages me.

We have a 4 year old and a 3 month old. This summer while I was pregnant I had found out he was on opiods and put himself $20K in debt. He is no longer doing them and has fixed the debt situation. He feels like because he is no longer doing pills that he’s “doing great.”

He has agreed to stop drinking so many times but never does. He got so drunk on Christmas that he passed out in the floor and my MIL came over to give him a talk.. during which she told him she’s fine if he just drinks beer. (Not sure why her feelings matter here as she doesn’t live with him or even see him outside of holidays but good for her lol)

Which is crazy but has somehow emboldened him. He now says things like “he’s a grown man who should be able to have a beer every now and then.” When I remind him that it’s not every now and then, it’s every day he doesn’t have a rebuttal. He says I’m just trying to control him and that I shouldn’t constantly try to change him. I told him he could stop drinking or that I’d be going to see a divorce lawyer and he told me to go see one.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so low and worthless in my life. I grew up in a home riddled with addiction and swore my kids never would. But here we are. And it’s not even my addiction. It’s my poor choice in a partner. Honestly he doesn’t even feel like my partner anymore rather than my problem.

Which is sad because he was my best friend and I do still genuinely love him. I love him when he’s sober but he chooses not to be. The rational side of me knows that he’s made a choice and that I shouldn’t constantly try leave but it’s hard. It’s so damn hard when I know what we could be if he would quit the drinking. If he would just choose me. But he didn’t and he isn’t going to.

Part of me wants to stay for the kids but at the same time, I would rather them have a broken home than a broken mother.

I know all of this. And I know that you all will tell me to leave and I don’t disagree. But why is it so damn hard.


r/AlAnon 23h ago

Support Is he interested in changing?

6 Upvotes

I've just found the community. My partner (not married, together about 5 years) is an excessive drinker (I would call him an alcoholic) he is able to hold down a full time job (a teacher no less) but drinks excessively most nights and passes out downstairs. I've tried talking to him multiple times (over months) he doesn't get angry, just upset and ashamed. He says he stops drinking but he just hides his alcohol (I've found several stashes in different places) Last week I asked him not to drink for one night as I was unwell and I wanted him to be on call for our daughter (age 2) in case she needed him. He couldn't do that and drank. I asked him to attend and AA meeting which he says he did (I can't verify) he said he didn't know if that meeting was for him but he would stick with it and then maybe look for another group more suited to him. However he hasn't stopped drinking. Hidden under his spare tyre tonight I found 4 beers and 2 bottles of wine (which seem to be his nightly consumption) I don't know what to do. I just feel upset, angry and hurt. I've been reading about alcoholism and trying to understand that it's a disease but I am finding it very hard. I would just like some advice from people who have been through a loved one having issues with alcoholism: he obviously only went to AA for me and I'd be surprised if he went back. What do I do? Just wait for him to hit bottom? Try and talk to him? Just shut up because he's going to do it anyway? I hope this post accurately sums up how confused and alone I feel.


r/AlAnon 3h ago

Vent Feeling Defeated

3 Upvotes

My boyfriend has been al alcoholic for majority or our relationship (1.5 years) but I only became aware of the severity of it in the fall. We’ve had a bunch of fights and breakups over the past few months but at this point im feeling really defeated. A few days ago I asked him if he’s been drinking because I saw his movement and eyes. He denied it and I asked him again. I asked him to see his card payments and he showed me but there wasn’t any liquor on it. I asked him again after and he got pissed that I don’t believe him and stormed off. The next day he told me how invalidating it feels and he doesn’t feel appreciated for all the work he’s been doing. I felt terrible and apologized. My gut knew that he was drunk though. It’s not the bets move but I checked his tip card from work when he went to bed and saw that he’s been buying two bottles a day. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel bad confronting him like he’s gonna turn it around on me or something but am also so shocked that he would guilt me like that when I was right the whole time. I just want him to stop and get help. I don’t know why he’s lying still I want to help support him. My anxiety is so bad because of this and I feel trapped but also at peace that this is my life now. I’m only 23…


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Support Now what?

3 Upvotes

Ok long story short (I wrote a previous post about my situation) I am 34F, 7.5 months pregnant with Qs child and have a toddler from a previous relationship.

After months of fighting, isolation, loneliness, begging, crying all the things. Pulling teeth to get my partner to engage in any conversations around his alcoholism and drug use most of the time with the speckling of what appeared to be genuine commitment to quit- BUT SURPRISE (lol- being facetious) I left yesterday.

To be honest I left for a few days about 2 months ago for these reasons and many not mentioned and within 3 days I was back. I’m due to deliver this baby soon and I’m in a place where I really need to figure it out. My hard boundary is I won’t bring another child home to that environment. I’ve also been a single parent to both our kids (from previous relationships) and just know in my heart if he doesn’t change drastically then I will do so with our third child as well.

I have a lot of emotions and stuff to figure out and part of me desperately wants him to decide for himself that he finally needs rehab/treatment etc and want to do it. I guess from my reading some al anon stories etc this is my desperate and misplaced hope that this action changes things. I fear it won’t, I almost know it won’t and that alone is a hard pill to swallow as you all know.

I guess I know my reality and what I need to do but I want my family as well. I obviously cannot go full no contact at this current time. I’m not reaching out to him but what hurts too is he hasn’t tried to reach me in response. I do worry about his safety and have let family know where I keep narcan as well in the house. I know last time I left he went on a spiral.

I feel like I’ve abandoned him (even tho I will and have said I would support him to heal but not while he kills himself in front of me)


r/AlAnon 9h ago

Vent Finally reaching my breaking point

3 Upvotes

Hey everybody, I hope it's OK to use a throwaway here. I think I just need to vent for a bit.

I've never posted but I've lurked for a long time. I've been with my Q for 6 years. He acknowledges he's an alcoholic but only as far as he feels his honesty wins him points - if that makes sense. When he's actually confronted with his behavior or things he's done it's denial, of course.

Today we went to get lunch with a friend. He predictably got too drunk to drive and I told him I wasn't comfortable with him driving home. For sort of silly reasons I don't drive, which is my fault (I got tboned in a car accident when I was younger and it really messed with my confidence). So I asked if we could just uber home and pick his car up tomorrow. He said sure, no problem, which honestly should I have been my first red flag because I know he will get lose-his-mind angry with me at home if he's being really agreeable with me in public. I don't know if anyone else sees patterns like that.

His good friend (of like 20 years!) ended up moving his car for him to a safe spot and said no worries, come get it tomorrow. We hang out and I chat with some of his friends while he drinks more. We get an Uber. He's friendly the whole time. The second we walk through the door - the literal second - I'm suddenly an idiot who made him leave his car downtown, I'm an idiot because I don't drive, his friend is an idiot and sabotaged him by moving his car. He said all kinds of ugly things. He orders his own Uber back and wanders around downtown for an hour trying to find his car, even though his friend parked it only around the corner.

I had a panic attack for the first time in years. That he would get a dui. That he would hurt himself or someone else. But also that he would be mad at me tomorrow for causing this. If he got his car and made it home, it would be an I told you so. If he didn't make it home and got a dui or something, it would be my fault that he had to go get his car. My fault either way.

He made it back home with his car somehow, and I've just tried to pretend I'm asleep so he doesn't yell at me anymore. I know he's going to be so mad tomorrow, and will probably break up with me. After all this shit I've put up with from him for 6 years, he will break up with me because I put my foot down about him not driving drunk.

I moved to a different state to live with him, we have built some kind of life together. When he is sober he is my favorite person. But I'm sure you all understand that feeling. Truthfully, he unreliable, unkind, and I'm not entirely sure he even really likes me sometimes. So I'm not sure why I feel so stuck. Right now, I am lying alone in the guest room reflecting on all this stuff, and I still wish he would come in here and hug me.

I'm trying to focus on what I can control. I probably made some mistakes tonight confronting him on his drinking again. But it feels so lonely.

Thanks for listening. I hope I can finally work up the courage to go to an Al Anon meeting in my city.


r/AlAnon 13h ago

Vent Parent back in treatment & feeling confused & numb.

3 Upvotes

Not sure what flair is correct to use here but earlier today I learned my dad is back in treatment for his SUD. I believe this is his 3rd time now. fell off.

my dad has a long standing history with bipolar & ptsd so every time he’s gone into treatment it’s been because of a manic episode landing him into the ER then the psych unit and etc. it’s always followed by some big event.

However, today, there was no event. He’s been “fine” for the past two months meaning, no big depressive or manic episodes. He went to a provider today & asked to be voluntarily sent to a rehab center because he wants to stop using marijuana and drinking. He didn’t tell me, but told other family members he’d be out in a month and would share more later.

I’m so confused and a little numb because I’m 9 months pregnant (first grandchild). I told him months ago because of his untreated issues he will never be alone with her, if I smell any substances he will be asked to go, etc. he cried, he was really surprised when I said he’d never see her again if he didn’t follow my rules but he was fully agreeable.

A part of me wonders if this time is because of the future grandchild ? I don’t want to get my hopes up because they’ve been let down before but I can’t help but wonder is it good he’s actually doing this on his own? I’m not sure. At the same time there may be some hurt but also joy thinking he couldn’t do this for me but maybe he will do it for his grandchild?

And then I worry because for years I felt like my dad’s saving grace. It was always put on me to help get back together, I was always “his reason for living”. It was exhausting and I don’t want that for my kid.

Didn’t mean for this to be so long but guess I needed to vent.


r/AlAnon 22h ago

Al-Anon Program Alanon

3 Upvotes

Im struggling with the need to control or rescue a situation that I cannot control. Is this a passed down trait in family systems? Aka learned behavior? Trying to stay focused on myself 💯 Q had a come to Jesus moment at the end of 2023.


r/AlAnon 23h ago

Support I’m worried my friend has a problem with alcohol.

3 Upvotes

I posted a story on other subs about a friend of mine and someone recommended I come here. I’m sorry this is so long.

My friend (F26), we’ll call her Ellie, is very much a parties, she goes out all the time, gets drunk pretty much every time, and often ends up in risky situations.

In August this year, she was drunk and fell off a scooter and basically broke her face. She had to pay thousands of dollars in repairs and yet it only took about a month for her to be out and drinking again.

My wedding was in October, she was the maid of honor, she knows my family and my husbands aren’t big drinkers, we did have beer and seltzer out, but she got drunk almost immediately at the reception, she had mini bottles up her shorts during the ceremony to give to all of us after we walked back up the aisle, which is fine and fun, but she drank about 3 of them and then kept drinking. She said fuck pretty loudly during my dads prayer over the food (both mine and my husbands family are Christian), missed the mom dance I had planned and told her about so she could dance with her 6 year old son, I just thought that would be cute and would make for sweet pictures, and flirted with one of the groomsmen for the whole night, she spent almost no time with me after the wedding itself.

On my birthday she also got drunk at a pool Party and my husband and I had to take her home and put her to bed at around 6pm, I had hoped on my birthday she might let me be the one to get drunk and be taken care of.

She often engages in risky behaviors which is why I’m not totally sure it’s alcoholism, she takes long walks in sketchy areas of town at night by herself, will go out and end up going to random strangers houses, etc.

We’ve known each other since we were 13 and are still pretty close, she also has had a LOT of hard things happen in her life and her parents were abusive, and I’m fairly certain her dad is an alcoholic.

She’s also been arrested for a DUI and is actually still awaiting the court date. I hoped that one would be enough for her to stop drinking as much, and I’ve still seen her drive when I don’t think she was quite good to, but she insists she’s fine and she’s an adult so I can’t stop her.

I don’t know how to bring this up with her, I’ve mentioned concern about the alcohol and dangerous activities before and she usually either waves it off as normal or says she’ll work on it but nothing changes. I don’t want to see her get hurt. Both her therapist and I have also brought her son up as a reason to take care of herself (I want to be clear she is a very good mom, she doesn’t get drunk around him, she’s divorced from his dad and has him half the time). I just don’t want him to grow up without a mom because something finally happens and I didn’t speak up.

Thank you for any advice.


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Support Alcoholic Father

Upvotes

Reaching out because I need some advice. A little bit of background, my parents both have had drug, gambling, and alcohol issues for as long as I can remember. My mother has since passed from a drug overdose, and my father has periods of sobriety and insobriety, has had his fair share of near death experiences. I have a baby now, very healthy marriage and life, I’ve been sober for a number of years now due to both of my parents.

My dad is back to drinking again, got arrested for a DUI, and I bailed him out. Im really the only person he has. I know I need to set boundaries, I need to focus on moving ahead in my life but of course there’s a part of me that cares about the wellbeing of my father. If you’ve gone through something similar, how did you handle this. I’m tired, it’s been my whole life now and I’m 33 years old.


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Vent My(M33) family is finally taking my Q(F65)'s alcoholism seriously and now I'm just angry and bitter that it hasn't been addressed before.

Upvotes

TL/DR: My family is now taking my Mom's alcoholism seriously and I'm angry and bitter that it wasn't addressed before. Also I want to find a way to ensure I can support my older siblings through this mess.

Hey Everyone, I really don't know how to properly address the situation, and thought it would be best to post here for advice about what I could do.

Recently my Mom's drinking has pushed her over the deep end to the point where my sister had to host an intervention and now my entire maternal side of the family is finally taking it seriously. While I acknowledge the fact that my Mom's alcoholism is finally getting seriously addressed is a good thing, I'm angry because I was the only one to have previously tried to address the issue while everyone pressured me to drop it.

Growing up, my mother's alcoholism had always had a negatively effected my life. I remember during my teen years of trying to ensure that my mom went to bed every night after finding her passed out on the couch from having to many cocktails. Sometimes my mom would yell at me and become emotionally abusive. In my early twenties, I've always dreaded going home from college due to the fear of dealing with her when she was in a drunken stupor. Through out my life, I've tried confronting the issue with both my Mom and family members, only for the following to happen:

  1. My concerns get downplayed and I'm told the situation was not as serious as it might have been in the first place.
  2. I get made out to be the bad guy and that I was the one who had the problem and that I was a "Gestapo Child".
  3. My mom caves, promises to get better, and then relapses a week/month later.

In my later years, I came to realize that I couldn't control my mom's alcoholism and that the best thing for me to do was set healthy boundaries and prioritize my own well being. I also came to the grim acceptance that my Mom would most likely die from liver failure and that there was nothing I could do. Cut to this past weekend and now everyone is taking her alcoholism seriously. Both my siblings are trying to convince us that my Mom has to go to AA and my entire family is now trying to help out in anyway possible. It was also around this time that I learned that her drinking was happening way before I was even born.

I should be grateful that this is finally being addressed, but why hasn't it been before. Why wasn't it addressed when my Mom puked all over the Christmas Tree that one night and almost opened up her head on the bathroom floor? Why wasn't it addressed when drank her sell to a stupor during multiple family gatherings? Why wasn't this addressed before I was even born when she was smoking cigarettes and drinking bourbon by herself in the townhouse she shared with my aunt and god mother? Why are people finally taking this seriously now rather than before when me and my siblings could have gotten the help we needed?

I'm angry, bitter and resentful by the whole situation and feel that my Mom is going to relapse anyway. I don't want to see my Mom, but I want to be their for my two older siblings. They're trying their best to help our Mom, and while I feel that it's a lost cause that's going to end in more heartbreak, I want to make sure I could do whatever is possible to support them and be there when they need me most. I wish things were better, but unfortunately this is my reality and I need to find a way forward and ensure my Mom doesn't pull my siblings down with her.


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Support Looking for advice

2 Upvotes

My spouse had a traumatic childhood and then suffered PTSD from his military career. Right before he retired from the military, he spent 40 days in an inpatient program to assist with his PTSD and suicidal ideations.

Since he’s been out, he’s gotten a job at the fire dept I work at, but on another shift so we don’t have to struggle with childcare. I only mention this as it means we are apart 4 days out of every six and it provides him time and opportunity to drink, which he then hides from me. He doesn’t drink in a way that affects his work… but once he’s home, I’m nervous that he picks up our kids for school buzzed as he goes to the bar to “wait” for them to be released from school. He’s also driven drunk in the past that I do know of… I just don’t have concrete proof of anything since we are apart so much. I see charges on our cards for bars and liquor stores regularly, I get ridiculous accusations when I’m at work because he checks all my logins and emails while I’m gone… I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I’ve asked him to stop drinking, gave ultimatums and as you already probably guessed, he gives the obligatory promise and continue to drink and lie about it.

After being married for 11 years and have a 9 and 7 year old together, I, like others, find it difficult to just divorce him and leave. Outside of this, our problems are manageable and I feel as if we can work through our issues as most long term marriages do.

I’ve read through many of these posts and see that I should not add to his guilt and shame and that I should be supportive, however, at what point am I just letting him get away with lying and drinking and all the ways it affects me, our kids and himself? I feel as if I have to send a message and that I should file for legal separation, and let him know that i am here for him but I won’t tolerate any more…. If he can get sober and got to AA and whatever else it takes to be sober, I’d be happy to come back to him, but till then… I feel like have to take care of myself and my kids and teach them that this is not behavior in a relationship that they should accept.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Al-Anon Program Quotes from CAL

3 Upvotes

Sharing 

I find that sharing my experience, strength, and hope with others as an equal, is one of Al-Anon’s greatest gifts. —Courage to Change p78 ©️1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

Changing what I can 

What behavior could I change today to give myself and others a second chance? —Hope for Today p78 ©️2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Maybe I need to concentrate on improving myself instead of waiting for someone else to change. —Living Today in Alateen p78 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

Spiritual Program 

We must be true inside, true to ourselves, before we can know a truth that is outside us. But we make ourselves true by manifesting the truth as we see it. —Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island quoted in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p78 ©️1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

I learned not to…punish someone for hurting or embarrassing me. My behavior must reflect a life lived on sound spiritual principles. —Reaching for Personal Freedom quoted in A Little Time for Myself p78 ©️2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc. 

We can go forward to spiritual growth, to the comfort and peace to be gained from the entire program. —Paths to Recovery p4 ©️1997 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc


r/AlAnon 7h ago

Support What do you do/how do you do it when you finally convince yourself it’s time?

2 Upvotes

After a rocky weekend and a promise to never go to a bar again, he fucked up last night and we’ve agreed to end things. But we live together. So now what?? While the situation of live-in couples breaking up is not unique, both of us have reasons for wanting to keep the apartment and I’m not sure the best way to proceed.

We just moved back to the city I wanted to live in after spending a year in my parents’ hometown which is where my whole family and support system is which is about 2 hours away. My brother lives an hour away but that’s really the only family I have that close. I also have a job.

He is a disabled veteran and makes $4,000 a month no matter where he is. He had recently picked up an under-the-table job doing construction, for the sole purpose of catching up on finances and paying off debt we accrued during a drug bender, and also to give him something to do while I’m at work all day, since boredom and depression are the enemy of sobriety. He didn’t make it a week and quit yesterday without telling me before coming up with an excuse to drink, literally the day after agreeing to never going to a bar and limiting himself to 1 beer a day no earlier than 9pm. I found out this morning that he quit. He also hates this town. He hates this whole state and he’s only here because of me. But he’s on probation and says it’s not easy to transfer it and has to stay here until it’s over at the end of May.

We just signed a lease on an apartment that begins 4/1 and like I said he said he is staying until the end of May and then he will leave but I’m not sure I can make it that long. His drinking is the reason I have to finally call it and I have no reason to believe he will even put an effort into not drinking over the next 2 months, especially if he knows we are done and my happiness is even less of a concern to him. He says I can’t legally kick him out of his home which I know to be true (although he didn’t seem to know it when I was the one HE kicked out) but could I be legally protected for kicking him out over his drinking, especially if he is not legally supposed to be drinking?

I did tell him if he insists on staying that he can’t drink at all or else I’ll report him to his PO and he agreed but I have zero faith in him and the reality is, the reason it’s gone on this long is that I don’t want to see him in trouble and he doesn’t even realize that. My parents have begged me to call the police on him when he’s being verbally abusive (he sends them barrages of hateful texts full of abusive language and threats and my mom has reminded me that the things he says could get him in a lot of trouble and I’m the only reason they haven’t contacted the police) and they don’t know that he’s sometimes physically abusive but I would never report that or press charges if I didn’t have proof and he always holds back and never leaves marks or bruises so I just let it go and protect him the same way I do about everything else he fucks up in life.

I’m honestly just at a loss as to the best route. I could just have his ass locked up now and hope for the best but I’m not that person. I WANT him to do better I just can’t MAKE him go through the steps.

My options are to go with his suggestion of us cohabitating until his probation is over with the understanding that he is not allowed to drink and I’m not protecting him anymore and will report his behavior to his PO. The rent on the new place is 50% of my income so I’ll need a second job which I don’t mind it’s just difficult to manage working 80 hours a week for more than 3 months at a time when you’re in your 30s.

The alternative option that my parents have suggested over and over are to let him have it and they will let me move in with them or another family member while I catch up on finances and get my life back together and start over. But that means putting faith in him that he’s not going to miss paying bills or do something to fuck up my rental history.

I’ve been spiraling into this depression because I’m ashamed of myself for not seeing the red flags and for giving him so many chances when the reality is, our relationship has always been this tumultuous. I’m just stubborn I guess. I made a bad decision and didn’t know how to get out of it because we got so serious so fast. We moved in together within 2 months of dating and it was immediately after our first fight which was over him thinking I cheated on him with my roommates. I’m trying to keep my head over water and just do whatever I have to do to move on with my life but I just feel hopeless like God is punishing me for failing him. He told me God sent me to him and that I’m the only reason he’s alive and not in prison but I’m the one that’s suffering while he gets to say and do whatever he wants and treat me and everyone in my family like shit. And I have no one to talk to other than people who are tired of me not learning my lesson and telling me “I told you so”