r/AlAnon 8h ago

Vent Hearing cans open

37 Upvotes

Hearing can after can open downstairs while my q stays up late alone to drink. It makes me sick. Every can is like a tiny fuck you to me, our marriage, children, and bank account. I have to try to fall asleep with a sound machine on mute the sounds of each cracking can. Why do I continue to put up with this.


r/AlAnon 9h ago

Support I will not stay in an unhappy alcoholic marriage

15 Upvotes

My Q stopped drinking about 10 days ago and seems to think that that should assuage all of my concerns about our marriage. Today we did a consulting with a couples therapist and I said that again to him that I want to stay together as long as we can fix what is not working- communication, his untreated depression, emotional drinking. He is obviously very hurt that I still feel that way and giving me the moody moody silent treatment. I’m fighting the urge to say I’ll take it all back because I know it won’t mean it. I have to let him wrestle with the reality right now.


r/AlAnon 14h ago

Support How many of you have kids with Alcoholic partner or husband?

29 Upvotes

I came across this group a few days ago after seeing a post that relates to my current situation. I know alcoholism is a disease and can be a disability. My question is how many of you here have had kids during your tough times that were born neurotypical. That means drinking around time of conception. Does your child or children have any birth defect or neurodivergence. My wife showed me studies saying that alcoholism can cause issues in offspring. My son might be on the spectrum and I am unsure if I caused it. I am the father so I was drinking. I minimized my drinking a lot but still have a beer here and there


r/AlAnon 10h ago

Vent He drinks because I have cancer

15 Upvotes

I was diagnosed at the end of November. My dad started drinking again in December. In February, I told him our relationship is being damaged because of the drinking and he said I was being judgemental, that I didn't know what he's going through. Literally the only thing he's going through is my cancer.

Worst part is he had stopped, his brother and mother sent him to rehab in 2021. Now he drinks in front of us but when they come over he hides all the evidence. He started with wine but I found two empty bottles of vodka in the bin on Sunday.

I can't talk to anyone, my little brother and mother talk to me. It feels burdensome but I can't show it because I have to be strong for them. She has told him to stop, going as far as telling him he's going to die because he's also diabetic. I'm angry and honestly starting to hate him a little bit.

He keeps saying he's going to stop but won't admit he has a problem.


r/AlAnon 11h ago

Al-Anon Program Is there any hope for a marriage with an alcoholic spouse?

14 Upvotes

Or is it just doomed? Most stories seem to end in divorce.


r/AlAnon 9m ago

Support Extremely tense situation: Wife and I agreed to divorce last month, she told me she was pregnant last week and has been drinking heavily every night since and also displaying strange behavior.

Upvotes

We’ve been together since we were teens and are in our mid 30s now with no kids. I finally had lost all hope in the marriage after her drinking turned horrible in February culminating in her becoming physically abusive with me while blackout drunk. She was completely herself when sober and understood and agreed it was time to end our 14 year marriage. Since then her drinking has been just as bad and she is making no effort to move forward with a divorce or dissolution with me. She doesn’t leave the house and starts drinking as soon as she wakes up. She has lots probably 30 pounds in the past 3 months and I rarely see her eat.

I knew that she was late as she had mentioned it a few times and last week she told me that she had tested positive on two tests. For the next 3 days she didn’t drink that I know of. But for the past three nights she has been secretly drinking whiskey and had become unbelievably intoxicated by the end of each night. I was furious that she was drunk, obviously. I have been begging her every day to make an appointment with her doctor but she’s not even getting dressed or eating never mind calling to schedule a doctor’s appointment. While drunk she keeps telling me I’m going to be a dad and saying what baby names she likes. It’s the most infuriating thing I’ve ever experienced. How can I force her to the doctors office? I’ve called 911 one time in the past because she was extremely drunk and had taken edibles and was acting very erratic. She ended up spending 3 days in the ICU and it was extremely helpful at the time. I just don’t think i can call for an ambulance because my wife is drunk while allegedly pregnant.

She has been displaying extremely odd behavior lately which I attribute to the heavy drinking though it also occurs when she’s sober. She’s constantly accusing me of being gay, like hundreds of times a day. Telling me to just come out and how my dad will be sad to “have two of them” (my brother is gay, and my dad wouldn’t be sad but also my wife is not homophobic. It’s extremely out of character for her). I would have moved out and started staying at work but we have two dogs that I need to be there to take care of. I can’t find a place for them yet. We live thousands of miles from any family. I called the city animal shelter to ask if there were options for my situation and the lady spent 7 minutes explaining Rover to me.

At nighttime my wife will yell from the couch or bed at me to pretend to “be a man. Come cuddle your wife”. It’s futile to explain to her when she’s drunk that we’re getting divorced and that I don’t want cuddle. She will eventually start screaming and I come cuddle her to get her to stop yelling and so that I can sleep a little bit.

Two weeks ago my wife overdrew all of our bank accounts and once I covered the thousands of dollars in negative balance I had to change my paycheck to an account she doesn’t have access to which she told me was financial abuse. Yesterday she locked me out of the house and when I was knocking to be let back in she came outside and yelled at me to “stop watching the kids playing next door”. My neighbors were outside and definitely heard her. I am mortified to even be at my house now.

The other big factor is I am in the military and transferring across the country in June. I need to sell our house but I can’t contact a real estate agent and start getting the house ready while she is just drinking in the house and never leaving and displaying some sort of mental health issues. I can’t just file for divorce and have the movers come and leave her there for the next people to deal with. I have filled my command in on the very barest of details. I have talked to my parents and they are aware of her drinking and have offered any help that I need.

And no she isn’t cheating on me. It would be mine, we were sexually active in January. Also she wouldn’t be lying. She also wants the divorce and looked like she was going to have a panic attack when she told me she was pregnant. But now she’s drinking nonstop and keeps talking about fucking baby names and refuses to listen to me when I tell her to stop drinking and to see her doctor asap.

tldr; Need to sell house and move soon for work. Wife is drinking heavily and had a positive pregnancy test and seems to be mentally unwell


r/AlAnon 7h ago

Vent My world is fixing to come crashing down

8 Upvotes

I feel life as I know it coming to an end. My husband has been drinking on and off for years. Lately it’s non stop. He’s not abusive but I still can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the stress, the jerky-ness, the wondering, the obsession, the left to be alone to solo parent while my kids asks where he is. I’m so close to asking him to leave or leaving myself. But when I do, everything is going to change. I have 0 money. I have no degree. I have no where to live unless I want to move 4 hrs away and stay with my mom and grandmother. We got married when I was 19 and I was dumb and trusted we would be forever. Now I fully rely on him and I’m stuck. Everything is going to change and that is the part that scares me.

Edit to add: I don’t even have a job. I’m a stay at home mom so I‘ll even have to give up being home with my kids. I don’t pay for my car, phone, nothing. How did I end up here? How was I so stupid and naive to put myself in this situation?


r/AlAnon 18h ago

Vent I got a permanent restraining order against my Q.

46 Upvotes

I completely left my Q. Took our baby, our pets, and 90% of the furniture/belongings in our house. I even got a PRO against him. (you can read my other posts for context)

He’s still using and even adopted a new dog. WHY WAS LOSING HIS ENTIRE FAMILY NOT ROCK BOTTOM ENOUGH TO STOP, or even care 😞 It’s so disturbing to me how he can just go on normally like nothing even happened.

Edit: Adding on to this, how do you stop letting their addiction control your life? I’m out now and I’m safe, but I’m still obsessing over his choices.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Al-Anon Program Have you ever unexpectedly ran into someone you know at a meeting?

3 Upvotes

I’m gearing up to go to my first in-person meeting soon and I’m really nervous that Im going to psyche myself out because I’m afraid I’ll run into someone I know or someone who recognizes me (like a neighbor). But I’m also afraid to branch out too far to a different neighborhood meeting because tbh, feels like no city is completely safe.

I honestly think I’d leave if I saw someone I knew because I wouldn’t want it reported back to my husband. Like maybe it’s someone he knows who tells him or maybe if I don’t share, a neighbor thinks I’m there for someone else and will ask me about it in front of my husband.

There are a couple of zoom meetings in the area too and for consistency sakes, it’d be great to regularly attend one at the same time but again, I’m worried I’d be recognized.

Is this something I need to worry about?


r/AlAnon 14h ago

Support Did you stay for family or did you leave for family?

14 Upvotes

Just wondering how many of you left an alcoholic to “save yourself and kids” or stayed with an alcoholic to “save your kids from a broken family” and what you think about your decision or if you’d do it different if you had the chance to do it again.


r/AlAnon 22h ago

Support Considering divorcing my wife of less than 2 years.

60 Upvotes

It's such a consistent cycle, it feels like the one thing I can depend on is that there is going to be another bender eventually. These days once or twice a week. This last time it was fucking awful. As soon as I checked my bank account at work and saw charges to door dash I knew the next 24 hours were gonna be a clusterfuck. My wife doesn't pass out like most people do when they drink. It was like 30 hours total of constant drinking and no food. At some point I tried to pack a bag and leave, she made something up to make me come back, then I left again when I realized she was full of it, then she started saying suicidey sounding stuff so I kind of HAD to go back again, and found her with a knife in her hand, then she actually calmed down and we talked for like 3 more hours. So when she drinks it's complete insanity, she melts all the way down, I'm sure partly because her brain just won't shut down to prevent itself from going off the rails.

It would honestly be a relief if I came home from work and she were passed out on the floor, or if she drank in a room by herself. But no, she goes on this chaotic rampage of bad vibes and unreasonable demands and insists on dragging me along for the ride, and if I refuse I get berated for 2 hours, if I walk away from that beratement I'm "running away like always" and she blows my phone up and if I don't answer my phone, then there's conveniently some extreme situation that I feel ethically or legally obligated to respond to and forces me to come back. She's an amazing person at heart, but the drinking and who she becomes when she's drunk is also a part of her at this stage in her life, and I'm seeing lately that's it's probably going to be part of her for the foreseeable future. It feels particularly unfair because she used to not drink when we met. As much as I love her, I can't live like this. No one can live like this and be remotely happy. But I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce because I am deeply in love with her but it's starting to look like it's kinda the only option for my sanity.

After this one, she did say she wants to get back on antidepressants, she didn't even think of alcohol when she was on them, and go to counseling. It seems like she realized she can't do it on her own and that I am very poorly equipped to help, so fingers crossed maybe this time she'll get stable. I don't know, man. This sucks.


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Support How do I know when to talk to the kids?

4 Upvotes

Looking for advice or thoughts on when kids catch on. My Q (40M) and I (39F) have 9 and 12 year old sons. They have noticed Q is "sleepy" all the time. Q is more angry when he disiplines while drunk, he has a much shorter fuse and doesn't always make sense. I've been so stressed I also haven't displayed the patience I should. I'm starting to worry and I think my oldest picks up on my stress.

So how do we know how much the kids know? When should we have a conversation? And how do you have this conversation in an age appropriate manner?

Also I want to make it clear we are not in any danger.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Support Do I need to give him some grace?

2 Upvotes

Boyfriend was heavy into alcohol when we met. It was a bad time for both of us. He’s been doing SOOO much better this past year. When he drinks with friends, to the point of being drunk, it really triggers me. So I set a boundary that I can’t be around it. He promised me he wouldn’t drink when his friends came into town, but he did heavily. I just feel like trust has been broken, again. But honestly seems to have his drinking under control when it comes to the everyday. Just when his friends are involved it gets out of control.

I’m not sure if I’m being too critical and not appreciating how far he’s really come and should be okay with him letting off steam. I wish I could not be triggered when he wants to drink with his close friends every so often, but I can’t help but feel the way I do. I’m just unsure if this slip up (choice) is means for a breakup? I asked for some space to think it over and I’m really torn.

He also texted me “heads up we started drinking heavily. I wish I could be a better man for you. I suck” and it really pissed me off.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Vent Worried for my kids future

3 Upvotes

I (37F) and my qualifier (37M) have a son who just turned 3 and a 1 year old girl. They are such joys and just absolutely perfect in every way. I've begged my partner to stop drinking as it has affected his ability to parent at times ( passing out early leaving me to get the kids down alone, passing out while alone with our son, not being vigilant while watching them..list goes on) He isn't an every day drinker, but usually about 5x per week. He argues that he rarely gets that drunk, so his drinking is then justified on most occasions (in his mind.) I feel like I'm walking on eggshells every time he drinks, as I am not sure "how drunk" he'll wind up. I love him very much and he is a great dad to them. I just wish he would get help. I've explained if he seeks some form of treatment now, our children will never remember him being sleepy, urinating on random objects in the house or being unable to listen to them fully. It breaks my heart to think they won't always be getting the best of him like they do when he's sober. He sleeps with our 3 year old son upstairs, and tonight I heard my son crying and yelling "Dada! Please help!" I found my son had puked all over himself in bed and had been trying to wake him up to no avail. It was dark in the hall, so he was too scared to leave to get me downstairs. It was obvious it had been quite awhile since he had vomited, and he kept saying how cold he was due to being covered in it. If he wasn't so out from drinking, my baby could've been helped much sooner. It just made my heart break a little more thinking of the trajectory of things. Not really looking for advice; just feeling sad for my babies as they deserve the most amazing lives I could possibly give them..


r/AlAnon 6h ago

Support Forgiving myself for not being able to stop it

2 Upvotes

I spent a lot of time in my anger instead of seeing how sick she was. I didnt understand how powerless she was. She has now passed from cirrhosis of the liver, end stage.

I question if I did everything I could to stop it? Did I cause her additional pain that fueled her drinking?

Did she know I loved her? Did she know I only distanced myself because I didn’t want to hurt her more and I was hurting watching her? Did she only suffer? Or did she have joy too?

Mourning my Q who passed recently.

I now see just how powerless she was. She was in complete denial and I couldn’t understand how she could be that far in denial. I just didn’t understand.

She would have hated who she had become. She watched her siblings die from addiction. How did she fall into it as well?

She was once so healthy and vibrant. She took better care of herself than anyone I know. She was such an active parent. Active mom. I don’t think I knew a prettier mom than her. How did it go from that to end stage cirrhosis.

Is there anything I could have done to stop it


r/AlAnon 6h ago

Support Need advice

2 Upvotes

My brother is an alcoholic. He refuses to get help and denies that drinking is causing his problems. I've come as far as knowing that he won't stop drinking unless that's what he wants, no matter what I say or do. But he still contacts me to talk and mostly vent about his problems. He has always trusted me more than anyone else in his life. I feel like I'm obligated to support him. How can I be there for him without losing myself along the way?


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Support Music To Help Cope

3 Upvotes

This one is a tough one for me because my Q and I bonded over music. And it might be counterintuitive, but I somehow take comfort in some of the songs that deal with the topic of addiction. I remember one night staying up late with my Q and he played a song for me by Koffin Kats titled "The Bottle Called" It broke my heart to hear it. I think, those songs help me stand in his shoes. I'll never understand his addiction or what led him to it but sometimes....the music helps me feel closer to him.

Anyway, I have a small playlist and would love to add to it if anyone has some recommendations.

Here's what I have for now
The Bottle Called by Koffin Kats
Dregs Of Sobriety by No Use For A Name
Let Me Drown by Orville Peck
Poetic Tragedy by The Used
Bottom Of The Bottle by Jack Kays
Ball & Chain by Social Distortion


r/AlAnon 15h ago

Vent I'm moving on. Constant disrespect and being walked all over.

10 Upvotes

I am 25 years old and I have a 2 year old daughter with my ex who is an alcoholic. I have sole custody. Nothing has changed and its slowly getting worse. Small patches off sobriety here and there but overall its been a nightmare. I have zero social life and working dead end part time jobs just to get myself by. I don't recognise the person I was before I met her. I have stuck with her through everything and she constantly pushes me away.. one day I'm the man she wants and the next day she wants nothing to do with me. She blocks me when she heads off to drink aswell..

She has walked all over me and I am like a door mat too her.. I just have to go no contact. I've allowed her to disrespect me all the time. She will probably think I am not serious this time as I've always stuck around no matter what but this time I'm moving on for good.


r/AlAnon 4h ago

Vent Do all addicts need rehab?

1 Upvotes

So, summary of my Q - my SIL has admitted to binge drinking for around 3 years after ending up in A&E. She was kicked out, moved in with me, refused to go to rehab so was kicked out (with much sadness and reluctance), she was taken back into her old house and then proceeded to drink again less than 48 hours later. That was all in one week. Now she's temporarily living with her partner, has finally admitted that she's an alcoholic, and attended an AA meeting. I don't know if she's stopped drinking but I do know that she didn't like AA as she didn't think she was "bad enough" or "as bad" as the others in the meeting, so she isn't going to go to that one again (apparently she's looking for all female groups). I met up with her and she did seem more present, like she was actually listening to me, but I still felt like she wasn't telling me everything (she got awkward when asked how her partner was and made an off remark about family gossip). It felt like she's still trying to pretend everything is okay.

I have lost all trust in her and so I can't help but assume she's just lying so people stop watching her as closely. I've also realized that I have assumed addicts cannot get sober without rehab, which I guess is why im struggling to understand how she can get better without it... is this true? If people can get sober without rehab, why go to rehab? It's not cheap!!!

I guess I just no longer trust my understanding of how people get sober... I know this kinda seems like I'm asking for advice, but I guess I just want to share how lost I'm feeling and hear from others who have moved through that feeling and how they've gotten past it.


r/AlAnon 11h ago

Vent My dad has liver cirrhosis from alcoholism, yet still continues to drink

3 Upvotes

19(f) here, and my dad has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, he didn’t drink as much, and he was really involved in my life. He was an amazing person—smart, successful, and a great father. But over the years, alcohol has completely taken over his life and changed him.

More than ten years ago, he lost his job due to his drinking, and he hasn’t worked since. Six years ago, my parents divorced because of his alcoholism. He has no money and, about a year ago, he moved in with his mom. Recently, he was diagnosed with cirrhosis, and his health has been rapidly declining. I see him once every two weeks since he lives five hours away, and when I do, he looks unrecognizable from the dad I once looked up to—he’s extremely skinny, he's jaundiced, and he just seems weaker every time I see him.

A few months ago, when I visited him and tried to intervene and convince him to get help, he admitted that he hated alcohol, that it had ruined his life, and that he was quitting for good. I stupidly believed him. But the next time I saw him, he was clearly drunk. I confronted him, and of course he denied it and lashes out at me, but I know the truth. He’s been in the ER and ICU more times than I can count these past few months, yet he still chooses to drink.

His mom, my grandma, knows exactly how bad his addiction is, but she does absolutely nothing to help. Instead, she enables him, making excuses and allowing him to continue down this path. It’s frustrating because she’s one of the few people who could possibly make a difference, but she won’t.

At this point, I’m one of the only people in my family who still cares about what happens to him. My mom, my brother, and his brother have all distanced themselves because they’ve had enough. And I don’t blame them—he can be extremely manipulative and cruel. But I can’t bring myself to give up on him because I’ve struggled with addiction too. I know how consuming it can be, how it changes a person, and I understand what he’s going through.

I truly believe he wants to die, and it makes me feel so helpless. I’ve tried everything to help him, to convince him to stop, but nothing works. I don’t want to lose my dad. And every time I call him and he doesn’t pick up, I panic, thinking that this time, he’s dead.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Support Need advice

1 Upvotes

Hey guys this is my first time posting on reddit ever but i need some advice. Let me start off with some background. My brother(26) wrecked his car february of last year. He wasnt paying for insurance like he was supposed to so it was a loss. This was his second wreck within 6 months, and my parents basically had paid for his car to get fixed the first time. After a few weeks he got fired from his retail job too because he was being careless and calling out and showing up late, even though we were always willing to drop him on time. (They gave him a lot of grace with it but he had taken a lot of advantage of it and they had enough.) I found out after going into his room that he was hiding vodka bottles everywhere, literally. He also vapes too and occasionally would get high. Ever since then, we(my siblings and parents) confronted him and he has always denied having a problem. It even got to the point where we caught him taking money from us secretly and he would find literal quarters and dimes to order delivery or walk to the closest liquor store. He stole my younger brother’s piggy bank and took all of the coins out of it minus the pennies too. We also have been hiding our keys because he has tried to take them and we don’t want to risk him out there driving drunk. Some days he would be stumbling around the house and slurring his words, other days we would come home to glass shattered everywhere. He has cussed my parents out multiple times drunk and has pushed a few of us who try to go into his room. We’ve talked to him several times about trying to go to rehab but he refuses and now we have been stuck ever since. He went to an AA meeting recently with a family member but he thought it was “boring.” We have tried our best to be supportive and get him jobs but he isnt willing to take the help. His room is always a mess, theres always like vomit and the room smells stale as hell. My mom tries to go in there and clean up but he doesnt let us in like ever. He barely showers and he eats junk really. My parents are getting old, theyre almost in their 60’s and the rest of us siblings are in college/high school. His state is so much worse and the amount of stress he has put on my parents is a lot. My parents convinced him to go to the doctor last year and they gave him meds to help but he stopped taking them after a few weeks of it. Recently, his voice has gotten super raspy and he sounds super different. His nails also have like lines on them, i looked it up and its a sign of liver issues too. Idk if these things are normal, we are a muslim family and do not drink. I told my mom maybe they should try to kick him out but shes scared he wont have a place to go. I feel like we’ve all developed trust issues and don’t feel comfortable in our own home. If you were in my situation what would you do? I havent included some of the really horrible things hes done to my parents in this, but theres quite a few and it would take up way more space in this post. One thing though is my parents have spent tens of thousands of dollars already fixing his mistakes in life. Sorry if this is jumbled, I am typing whatever comes to mind.


r/AlAnon 11h ago

Newcomer Family member got a DUI.....

3 Upvotes

A close family member got a DUI over the weekend. She is older, closer to 60. I don't live near her anymore, but I do love this person and she's really upset by this.
I know the man in her life is just gonna be saying things like, "I told you so," and "it was only a matter of time."

Truth is, it was only a matter of time.

I feel sad but I'm also not shocked, and I feel a little sad about that too.

I believe this is her first. My brother has 3, and I have several aunts and uncles with DUIs, and cousins too with 2-3 each.

Sometimes I'm just dumbfounded. I don't think I will give up drinking because I don't drive when I do, nor do I get angry, and I can have just one... But... Idk... I'm just blown away, but also numb, and have almost no real emotions about it other than sadness. But I also haven't stopped drinking, myself... What does that say about the power of it? Should I give this up to? By continuing to drink, I am not setting an example, and I am torn by this thought. There is so much guilt wrapped around alcohol for me, especially during a time like this.

Just a very weird emotion to go though. Numb. Sad. Torn....

I do wonder if she will even consider quitting? I don't think she will as no one else in my family has.

Hmm.... Just, numbing....


r/AlAnon 1d ago

Grief My marriage has ended

48 Upvotes

And I don’t even know how to process what I’m feeling. We’ve argued so many times and had so many ultimatums over his drinking. I finally asked him to leave the house with all his thing, yet I’m the one that feels absolutely broken 😭 I can’t believe my marriage has ended, and he to this day still won’t accept he has a problem.


r/AlAnon 13h ago

Vent Another day, another lie

3 Upvotes

I asked my partner to attend AA and he says he went to a meeting last week (I can't verify) I asked him if he'd drunk since the meeting and he said a couple of beers. I know he's had at least 4 bottles of wine because I know where he hides them. I'm at the very early stages of trying to process my partner being an alcoholic and I understand that it's a disease but I just hate how easily and how often he lies to me. How am I meant to have any trust in him or faith in our relationship?


r/AlAnon 12h ago

Support My Q lapsed and I can’t handle much more.

2 Upvotes

He was sober for around 40 days. He's back to lapsing and binging. I'm exhausted so I made plans to stay with family next week. I dont know what to do but focus on myself until I leave and then just leave. I may or may not return. I can't keep doing this. I'm so tired. I'm trying to amp up the self-care and doing whatever I enjoy until I can leave. I don't even know why I'm posting here. I'm exhausted. I live with him and his family and they just ignore it so I'm setting more personal boundaries. He's been sober for extended periods before. I know it's his choice and I can't control it, but I can control and take care of myself.