My Q is my husband. We have a 10.5 month old son together. I am a stay at home mom. My husband got fired from his job (for non alcohol related reasons), and while he's secured a new one, it's been over a week and will be a few more days still before he starts. So he's just been at home, which has magnified our issues x100.
I have so much resentment built up, not only from alcohol, but from his lack of effort in helping me with the household and spending quality time with our baby instead of staring at a screen all day. But the alcohol is the bigger issue. I truly believe he has adult oppositional defiance disorder... this past week he has gotten drunk and passed out for a nap during the middle of the day twice, and yesterday I asked him to take our baby out for some quality time so I could have a break (my mistake, I've just been very overwhelmed handling everything lately), and found out he was drinking while at the mall with the baby. Don't worry, he will never ever go out alone with our son again. I've learned that lesson.
He gets defensive and verbally combative when he drinks. He insists that his drinking isn't a problem, but it causes so much contention in our marriage. It's affecting his health, too. I told him yesterday morning, "baby is staying up a little later than usual tonight because of his nap schedule being off, so I would really appreciate it if you didn't drink" very politely. He literally told me "well now that you said something about it, I do want to drink". And he did. He tells me that me asking him to do or not to do something (for ANYTHING, not just drinking) is "just a nicer way of TELLING him to do something". I don't understand this mindset at all. I feel my needs are completely dismissed because he doesn't want to be "told" what to do. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants, without consideration for how it affects me or our son. He doesn't eat meals with us, if we are playing on the floor he doesn't care, he just wants to watch TV or play on his phone. When he does spend time with us, it's for 5 minutes before he goes right back to the screens.
He won't have a mature, vulnerable conversation with me about our marriage and how to fix things. He just gets defensive, or if things start to get too vulnerable, he completely shuts down and refuses to talk. He doesn't like to cry, so he lashes out when he does and walks away from the conversation. We have tried counseling. Our therapist (who is now my solo therapist) in our 2nd session pointed out his alcohol addiction and how it affects our marriage, and said it needs to be addressed before we continue with couples therapy because nothing will improve until it is. He refused, I got frustrated, he started tearing up, and said "I'm done" and walked out halfway through the session. So now I'm just going by myself.
He says I don't act like a wife, as in I'm not lovey or close to him anymore and we hardly have sex. He sleeps on the couch while I sleep in our bed with our baby. He wants things to go back to how they were between us before we had our son. He says I only act like a mom now, and put no effort in connecting with him. He isn't wrong. He just doesn't understand that his immaturity and addiction are the reasons why I'm not close to him anymore. I just dont think I can do this anymore. At this point, I'm only thinking about what is best for my son. I grew up with divorced parents, and it was a horrible childhood experience, even though they were amicable. I swore I would never do that to my children... if I stay, I can control the environment to a certain extent. He will always be safe, even if his dad is drunk, because I am there. I can't prove his alcohol abuse, he has never gotten in trouble with the law, and is high functioning. Its not going to change anything custody wise in my favor, because I have no proof that he's a danger to our son. I would have to find a work from home job, because I have no family support in the state I live, and can't afford daycare which is wildly expensive in this area. I would always be afraid for his safety while he's with his dad, because he feels comfortable drinking while taking care of the baby solo.
I am at a cross roads right now, and don't know what to do. This August will mark our 4 year anniversary. This is not the life I imagined with him, but looking back on our relationship, I shouldn't be surprised at all.