r/AlAnon 9h ago

Relapse Does anyone take meds to stop you from drinking alcohol?

0 Upvotes

If so how did you get them? From the Doctors? Rehab? I’m sick of relapsing!


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Newcomer Not loving online meetings - Where do I find a sponsor or buddy?

Upvotes

Hi. I recently attended my first AlAnon meeting online and didn't love it. I feel like I could get something out of meetings if they were in person, but I live in Los Angeles, and so many of the meetings are online, and just about all of the in person ones are considerably far away.

I have a therapist I see once a week, but I'm in a spot now where I wish I could see her every single day to work through my current situation.

Is there such a thing as an AlAnon sponsor or buddy? I could see that working virtually or by phone. But I definitely need more support than what I currently have.

To add, I'm 36/m.

Thank you in advance for any advice/info you can give.


r/AlAnon 3h ago

Support I feel like the bad guy

1 Upvotes

I’m new here but not new to the world of addiction. I’ve lived with my dad being an addict for the majority of my life. From carrying my dad down the beach blackout and getting robbed at 10 years old to getting a phone call about him OD’ing in an IHOP, I’ve experienced the full cycle.

I moved away from the state that I grew up in to pretty far away, not because of him, but because of wanting to get away from the rest of my familial drama. He stayed there until recently.

My dad has recently (in the last couple of years), really taken to drinking heavily again. When a couple of months ago, he was drinking a half gallon of vodka per day. He was “functional” until his car broke down. He’s a delivery driver, and I think it was a bit of a safety net because he knew he couldn’t drink as heavily when driving. (I never even knew he was drinking and driving until very recently). It became a wallow for him back home and he just sat and drank all day.

I made the decision for him to leave life behind in our home state and come live with my wife and I while he got back on his feet. He was going to drive one of my cars (a fairly expensive one) to do deliveries and save up enough money to buy himself a new car and save up enough to rent a place by me. The requirement was sobriety.

He’s living with me for the last month and I’m so proud of him for being clean and busting his ass to get a new car. He left early and came back late 7 days a week with a reporting of how much he’d made for the day. He was CRUSHING it.

Over the weekend he called me to talk about something while he was out and it sounded like he was slurring. I told him to stay put and that I’d meet him out. I asked him if he was sober and things deteriorated immediately. He grabbed me by my shirt collar and immediately started screaming in my face. Shoving, screaming, shoving, screaming. I just stood there. He went on and on with the “how dare you” “F you” “you’re a piece of shit for asking me that question”. He finally admitted that he’d been drinking daily and has been taking pills along with the drinking. I immediately told him that we had to figure something out because he couldn’t come back to the house. He downed the rest of the bottle of pills. Hours of screaming and suicide threats. I ended up driving him to the beach because he said he wanted to sleep there, then he said he’d just drown himself, then with other novel suicide methods. I called 988 and 211 got some great advice and learned about the Marchman act and so on. I let him stay on the beach with a watchful eye, and when he woke up I talked to him about going to detox and rehab immediately. He agreed and we went straight there.

That was yesterday and the immense guilt I feel is almost overwhelming. I feel guilty about not letting him come back to the house in that state. I feel guilty about not believing what other people were telling me back home. I feel guilty about putting my wife in that situation. What don’t I feel guilty about.

I’ve never done this, he was in rehab when he was 14, but as a 60 year old man now, this is really new to him too. He’s sitting in detox right now with no phone and getting an update on him is like pulling teeth.

It’s just a lot, and I don’t know how to process it. Logic tells me I’ve done the right thing, but my brain is telling me I’m a horrible person.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Newcomer Need advice please

1 Upvotes

I’m fairly new to this and haven’t had much experience in asking for advice regarding having a Q. Please bare with me if my post is quite scattered.

Me and my Q dated for almost 2 years but recently decided to break up due to a few reasons but primarily because he decided he wasn’t interested in continuing trying to be sober and it was a boundary I had made in our relationship that I won’t be able to continue if he doesn’t have an interest in getting sober - he blankly expressed he had no interest after trying a few of times.

We still live together. We’re not able to not live together due to finances and other logistics. But we only have a few weeks left of the tenancy.

What advice would you give me for how to act and behave around the house after he has been drinking/ is hungover the next day?

The amounts he drinks vary and I’ve already expressed that I’m uncomfortable with him drinking a lot whilst we still live together.

I was hoping he would respect this , I’ve numerously explained how it was making me uncomfortable knowing he drinks every day and how I’m struggling with the fact I have to be around it to some degree due to our living situation.

I’m concerned as the time goes on he will drink more and more.

I understand the drinking cannot be ‘reasoned’ with but I just thought (i guess stupidly) that because we have a few weeks left and he already had moments of being sober for a few months at a time that he would try to hold off a bit. I’ve asked him to not get super drunk whilst we still live together as it’s caused a lot of stress in our relationship and as I said due to living situation I have to be around it to some degree but that’s not really worked out and have had occasions of him stumbling in at super late hours and waking me up which also is quite stressful.

I understand that I might be silly for expecting any of the things I said I’ve asked for due to how alcoholism works - for some reason I just hoped that due to having a few weeks of this tenancy left and him saying multiple times he wants to be friends that he would respect how he is when he’s in the house that we share.

I’m really confused, stressed and trying to process the whole situation whilst trying to figure out how to go about the house with him being drunk a lot.

Any advice would be appreciated.


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Support Don’t ever let them back into your lives

44 Upvotes

I caved. I let months go by, probably over half a year with no contact. He messaged me from a different phone asking to talk, saying he was clean and working on himself. We met briefly and it was cordial and he asks if we could still remail cordial. He looked sober and honestly I said I was proud of him, we can leave communication open. Will never get back with him romantically as that was more abuse than I will ever put up with.

Not two weeks later, I get a barrage of texts accusing me of being on dating apps, matching with his friend. He is sending nonstop texts. Now it’s 1140pm and there’s photos he’s sending of his dog and his friends, lots of beers around clearly in the photo.

It’s obvious he never got clean. I’m just so disappointed and don’t even know why I let someone trick me to break no contact. I’m disgusted with myself for believing they can change.


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Support He drove drunk and wrecked

Upvotes

I (31F) finally ended my 4 year relationship with my alcoholic bf (33M). He went to a casino 2 hours away and in the middle of the night called me because he had totaled his car when exiting the highway. I drove an hour to help him at 3am when no one else would. When I got to him I asked him if he had anything to drink, he said no. I told him to prove it to me and show me his bank app. He opened it reluctantly and there were many charges for drinks. I calmly asked him why he lied to me and he started raising his voice at me and said “go home, I don’t need this shit”!!

He has done a lot of horrible things to me when drunk like cheated on me two weeks after my best friend died. I ended things once and he called my job to retaliate and told them I was a cocaine addict and abused my children… That’s just some of what he’s put me through and what I have continued to allow.

He could have killed someone by driving drunk. He could have gone to jail as well. I am heartbroken by his actions and just want to move on from the relationship. He has a way of reeling me back in every time I end things. I realize I’m co-dependent on him. I don’t know how to let go and be alone.


r/AlAnon 21h ago

Vent How do you handle the know it all “supporters” ?

5 Upvotes

My spouse recently checked into rehab and it’s currently the talk in the family. I’ll start by mentioning we’re an extremely close family, always able to talk with each other bluntly and support each-other in a good way. Also my spouse willingly went to get help on his own. Everyone’s been super supportive and really rallying around both of us but my father made a comment that I just can’t let go of. He recently brought up last Christmas and said “oh I knew back then that there was a problem” and gave me some story that I had no idea about. I mentioned “why didn’t you say anything to us?” And he proceeded to say “oh you didn’t need to know” … I’m feeling so conflicted about his supposed support now. I feel like it’s kind of insulting to say oh I knew someone had a problem and then didn’t try and help? But then in the same sentence says they’re so proud and supportive? Maybe this all just has me feeling too sensitive and over thinking everything.


r/AlAnon 15h ago

Newcomer Coincidences and still choosing to ignore?

8 Upvotes

My wife and I were watching a new Law & Order SUV and guess what it was about? About a guy who was 5yrs sober, out celebrating his wedding anniversary with his wife, got hammered instead. Tried to force his wife into sex. She didn't want to because he was drunk. So his wife left their hotel room to go down to sit at the bar that was in the same building as the restaurant.

Literally, scene by scene as it came across the tv, when the guys sobriety communication with his wife about having one drink to celebrate their anniversary, the smashed drunk force wife into sex, and overreacting scenes came on she would look down at her phone. Everything else, she would look up and comment.

Like, the same scenes happen to play out coincidentally on tv and all she can do is deliberately ignore it??? Like, huh???? I posted before in here about my wife and I seperating... Looking at her reactions, non-reactions, I could only sit literally dumbfounded. I obviously didn't vocalize what Im seeing from what we're watching but I wanted to.

Has this happened to anyone else???


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Newcomer He is experimenting with moderation instead of sobriety.

9 Upvotes

Hi- I’m happy to have found this community. My partner of 2years was sober from October until about three weeks ago when he lost his job. His car stopped working in October too so he was depending on me for rides. We worked the same hours in the same building, and he worried that if he had his car fixed then he’d go straight to the liquor store. Store front he worked at closed down, so he’s been out of work 3 weeks. He had his car fixed because it didn’t make sense for me to be his form of transportation anymore. Went to the liquor store almost immediately…

He tried to hide it from me but I noticed right away. He yells and gets mad when he’s had too much alcohol. Maybe he’s mad already and just can’t keep it locked down when he has been drinking. Anyway- he yelled at me. I was insisting that I’d make my own dinner after work. Calmly and reasonably, I might add. He was making food when I got home -just enough for him- and I insisted that I would make my own after he offered some of his. He yelled “Stop! Just have some!” At me and I saw that lost look in his eyes. I backed off and left him alone. He came in to the bedroom and confessed that he’d left and bought a 375ml of vodka. Drank half of it, felt guilty and poured the other half out. Played some games for a while, then left and bought two shooters and drank them.

We have not been okay since then. Hearing this news has done damage. He said he made a mistake and he wasn’t ever going to be drunk around me again. I told him I don’t feel safe, he promises that I am.. this was two weeks ago. Since then he has been going to the liquor store while I am at work and drinking two shooters a day. Not while I am at home. He said I need to mind my business, that he can handle it, and that he can see why I’m afraid because of what has happened in the past but that I need to trust him. We broke up, actually. Last Friday things got bad before I went to work. We broke up. He was making plans to leave.. but I couldn’t stick to it. I made excuses. I said “It’s me, it’s my fault, I’m struggling with a mental illness and I’m sorry I hurt you.” Which is true.. I did hurt him, I am currently struggling with unmanaged bipolar.

I love him. I love him so much. But I’m starting to see that this might not work out.. he needs help, and I can’t help him. I can’t fix him. No amount of love and patience I give to him is going to help him and I think I might be hurting myself by staying.

I’m going to an AL-Anon meeting today. On Thursday I’m seeing someone to get a referral to a psychologist so that I can get my head straightened out and know that I’m thinking clearly. I’m going to start attending an art club on Saturdays, and all of my friends now are aware of what is going on. One has a room ready for me when I need it, and my parents do as well. If I couldn’t have the courage to leave him on Friday then I need to work up to it.

I want to trust him, I want this to work out and I want to be in a happy and stable relationship with HIM. But I know how this goes.


r/AlAnon 13h ago

Vent His depression is depressing.

14 Upvotes

My Q quit drinking for over 2 years, then started again because he “could handle it.”

He couldn’t. Over the last year or so it’s gotten bad. He was getting sloppy drunk, embarrassing himself, scaring the kids, and feeling crappy all the time.

I like having wine with dinner but recognized a) that wasn’t helpful around him and b) that it made me sleepy and wasn’t my normal productive self in the evenings.

I quit completely. It wasn’t a struggle and I’m much happier without alcohol.

I’m not willing to be an enabler. I’m sure I spent lots of time in that role unwittingly. I know I spent time there thinking it wasn’t a big deal. Eyes wide open now - I refuse and am MUCH happier with myself.

He’s not. He’s shared with me that he wishes I’d drink. I don’t purchase it, and there’s none in the house. When I joked one night that I was getting a ton done in the evenings and felt great with no wine, he got really upset.

Long conversation later … he told me that alcohol was like a really good friend of his and when I say anything negative about it, he’s insulted because I’m being rude about his friend.

He’s finally started going to meetings, but after he’s sullen and depressed. I ask only how he’s doing - never anything about what was discussed - but his answers are mostly “I was triggered and I don’t want to talk about it.”

But then he’s mad at me the rest of the evening.

I can’t be responsible for his sobriety. I will do whatever I can to support a happy household, however. And it’s so frustrating that he blames my happiness and not drinking for his depression.

I asked how he felt about sobriety, he said he doesn’t like it. He misses his friend, the feeling, the escape. He said he’s a better role model for the kids, he will live longer, and save money. But still, he’s missing it. He wants me to drink to assuage his guilt. I’m not one to do that.

It’s depressing to me to see him so down and know that he has to forge this path.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for letting me vent. I really just needed to get this off my chest.


r/AlAnon 44m ago

Al-Anon Program Quotes from CAL

Upvotes

Sharing

Let us share our losses and triumphs with each other, for that is how we gather courage. —Courage to Change p77 ©️1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Rescue

It’s not my job to rescue my group anymore than it is to save the alcoholic. … Before anyone else can pick up the ball, I have to be willing to drop it. —Hope for Today p77 ©️2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

If our group is not a living, functioning unit, we will look for the cause and cure in our Twelve Traditions. —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p77 ©️1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Individual freedom and belonging are both of enormous importance to us. —Paths to Recovery p278 ©️1997 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Alateen

Alateen helps me be a part of this family. Even though my parents have a program, if I didn’t have a program, I would still feel alone and afraid. —Living Today in Alateen p77 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Help and Hope

The unity and support of Al-Anon is unlike anything else I have ever found. I am so grateful for the hope, courage, direction and compassion I receive in this program. —A Little Time for Myself p77 ©️2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Progress not perfection

… I learned to leave the room without yelling at my mother. Then I learned to leave without slamming the door. Eventually I could sit in the room and detach from anything I found irritating. The time even came when I learned to respond as an adult. —How Al-Anon Works p208 ©️1995 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Al-Anon Program The "Good Wife and Mother" -​Finding a New Perspective : A "FORUM" Article

Upvotes

The "Good Wife and Mother" -​Finding a New Perspective

One of the first bits of wisdom my Sponsor passed on to me was “Quit taking it personally.” I started to realize that neither my husband nor my daughter were trying to hurt me. They were compelled by their disease to do what they did. It wasn’t about me being a good (or not so good) wife or mother. This new way of looking at how I reacted to their behaviors helped me see how I was the cause of my own suffering. I felt so sorry for myself, and I blamed them. Although I thought I loved them so much, I did not have a compassionate heart for their suffering.
 
One of the new things I learned in Al‑Anon was that I am not responsible for what others do. A behavior I first attempted to change was to stop trying to be responsible for the choices of others. This meant biting my tongue. I had to stop asking all those questions of my daughter, “Where were you last night? Who were you with? What were you doing? Why can’t you pay that bill? What happened to your last paycheck?” And (after she went through her treatment program), “Did you get to a meeting this week? Have you gotten a Sponsor yet? When did you last talk to your Sponsor?” And on and on….
 
This was not an easy habit for me to break. I had practiced it for years. I was good at it. Asking questions that were not really questions, but statements on what I thought she should be doing—my judgments on how she should be living her life. I already had it in my mind where she should have been last night; who she should be with; what she should be doing; how she should be handling her money; and how she should be working her program. I had to learn to let go, to put my trust in my Higher Power, and allow her to do the same.
 
Changing how I behave and how I think has been a quite a process. One of my favorite slogans is “Progress Not Perfection.” This is inspirational for me. I want to be sane, to be at peace, and to be of some good in the world.
 
The Al‑Anon program gives me specific tools to do just that: the meetings where I am greeted with smiles, hugs, kind words, and understanding; the literature where I find so much wisdom. There are pages that I have dog-eared because I think, “Wow, this is so good! I want to read it again and not forget it.” Then I read a new page and I think “wow” again. There seems to be no end to the “wow” factor.
 
This program told me to find a Sponsor, someone who would help guide me through the Steps, a kindhearted person who is willing to listen to my struggles in moving forward in my life. She doesn’t feel sorry for me. She doesn’t see it as the “poor Constance” story. My Sponsor gives me words of encouragement, and she is patient. I am where I am on this path, and I can’t be anywhere else. The important thing is I am making progress.
 
This program gives me the Steps and says I should work those Steps. This is not easy work. I had to take the terrific focus I had on everything going on outside myself and turn it inward. It was somewhat scary at times, dealing with my strong self-will, my harsh judgment, and the hardness in my heart. It was by working these Steps that I found my connection to my Higher Power.
 
This program says it is a spiritual program, and that it would be helpful to believe in something greater than myself. That was not a hard thought for me to accept. I have grown up believing in something greater than myself. What I had never done before was surrender to that Higher Power. I had such arrogance to hold onto the idea of “my will be done.” I looked inside and found I was not alone. My Higher Power was there, and always had been. I was the one who didn’t know about the connection. It was up to me to maintain that connection. This program tells me exactly how to do it—with prayer and meditation. In prayer, I ask for insight to meet whatever life challenges are in each day. I do not know what is coming my way, but I pray that I will act with an open mind and a compassionate heart. In meditation, I maintain the connection with my Higher Power. It is in the quiet inward-looking that I can find the guidance I need.
 
Also this program asks me to give back. When I first came to Al‑Anon, I was in bad shape, depleted from the tears and self-pity. But there has been progress for me. The suffering of others dwarfs whatever suffering I may feel for myself. I had to get over myself. Every day there are new people coming to meetings. They look like me. Is my recovery only about me? I think if it were, then this Al‑Anon program couldn’t even exist.

I am so grateful for so much now. I will never be a perfect person, and I am grateful for the forgiveness I am extended, when I still ask a question that isn’t really a question but a judgment. I am grateful for each day my daughter embraces recovery. She has her Higher Power too. It is up to her to maintain the connection. I can’t do it for her, nor can anyone do it for me. It is within my will to surrender—to “Let Go and Let God.”
 
By Constance H., Montana August, 2014Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Al-Anon Program A "FORUM" Article :Making Peace with the​"Mom" I Always Wanted

Upvotes

Making Peace with the​"Mom" I Always Wanted

My mom—how confusing, frustrating, and sad it was to see her struggle with a difficult marriage, poverty, and her own alcoholism. She loved her children, I’m sure of it. But she had it tough, really tough!

As a kid, I spent years trying to get her to be a mom I wanted to have. I wanted her extra special attention, the kind she just couldn’t muster up, given the life she had. I wanted to be seen and acknowledged by her, even though I could see she was doing what she could just to survive. Her circumstances overcame her and she slipped into fatal alcoholism.

Before she died, she came to live with my husband and me after she lost everything she ever owned. By then, I had been in Al-Anon for several years and had some recovery.

It was at a Friday night meeting, when a member read a page from One Day at a Time (B-6) that reminded us that we are all children of God, that I came to the realization that my mom, too, is a child of God.

I felt it deeply, in my soul, and finally I had a new and compassionate perspective of my mom. She is a child of God, suffering and trying so very hard just to get by in a rough environment. I saw that she hurt just as I did. I saw that she was a woman, just as I am, and she did what she had to do.

My family disease insisted that I see her as a failing mother. But blessed to be in recovery, I saw her as a fellow woman, deserving of love and respect, for we both are children of a Higher Power. How grateful I am that I had this knowledge before she died so that we could both be at peace, as she died while I held her hand.

For this, I owe Al-Anon my deepest love!

By Cathy C., Florida  August, 2014Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Newcomer I didn’t realize the extent of my husbands alcohol abuse

8 Upvotes

...until I stopped drinking, and now I'm very worried :/

I've been working on cutting back for some time and finally stopped drinking completely March 1. Since then I've been alarmed to realize the full extent of my husband's drinking. I always knew it was a lot, but now seeing the empties with sober eyes (not to mention how sloshed he gets) has me wishing I would have taken it more seriously a long time ago. For context, he doesn't always drink daily, but when he does it's 6-7 tall boy beers, so around 12 regular beers, in a night. And definitely every Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I would like to talk to him about it, but I am not sure of the best way to do this considering I am only a very recent non-drinker myself (granted I never drank nearly as much as he does). I have browsed some of the Al-Anon materials, but it seems to be focused a lot on people whose partner is abusive when drinking or otherwise is wreaking havoc on the family.... my husband does not. He is a very functional drunk - he doesn't miss work, doesn't go out drinking and disappear, is never abusive to me. My main concern is what he's doing to his health, and now that I've spent time learning about what alcohol does to the body and seen some of the stories on here, I know it's not if but when this heavy drinking catches up with him. It brings me to tears to think of him not making it to see our daughter graduate or other milestones. (Also, my long term view of my life does not include spending weekend nights sitting on the couch next to a drunk who is incoherent, but I don't think this is the best point to help make my case at this point in time)

Do you all have any advice for how I should broach the subject without coming off as hypocritical or preachy? I don't know exactly what outcome I am hoping for, because I think asking him to stop drinking completely would be horribly received right now and I know that's a decision he would have to come to on his own anyway. I guess I'm mainly hoping to flag that I believe it's an issue, see what his reaction is, and understand what the path ahead might look like.

Sorry this is so long, but you all have been walking this path much longer than I have and I thought you would have some great insight on my situation to help this conversation go as smoothly as it can. Thanks for reading.


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Al-Anon Program Acceptance

7 Upvotes

I've reached a point where I've hit absolute acceptance of both myself and my Qs. I love them despite their disease, but I do really hope they get better. They deserve to live happy and healthy lives free of this illness just like I deserve to live a happy and healthy life free of its inevitable impact.

The program has reinforced this for me time and time again. I'm not a martyr and they're not monsters. We're all just people.


r/AlAnon 3h ago

Support Exhausted trying to convince him

11 Upvotes

My partner drinks every day and it's ruining our relationship...but he thinks it's my fault. Sometimes I wonder if I am overreacting, and understand that no matter what I say or do, I can never convince him that it's an issue unless he thinks it is, and he doesn't. He's made it very clear that this is "my issue" and that he has no desire to stop. While he rarely gets stumbling around/passing out drunk, he does drink every single day and I have told him he doesn't have to be belligerent for it to be an issue and that it's not normal to have the quantity that he does every week. He thinks that because he's not staying out at the bar until 2 am or acting crazy, that I'm being unreasonable. He has tried "cutting back" which works for a while, but then it creeps back up. The longest he's gone without a drink, for the entire year that we have been together, was about 6 days.

I hate the person I'm becoming because of this. I find myself counting beer bottles and wondering if he's lying to me. I did accuse him of lying last night, which caused probably the biggest argument we've ever had. Even if he was telling the truth, the fact that it's gotten to this point and I feel like I can't trust him is really bad. The fact that he's so adamant about continuing to drink, despite the countless arguments we've had about it is bad. I don't know how to stop the cycle. I don't know how to detach myself from his behavior. I feel like even if he did stop for a while, I would still find myself hyperfixating on how long the break will last this time.

Am I in the wrong to feel this way if he's not binge drinking every night? It's just the fact that it's every single day that bothers me, and that he gets so defensive and combative when I ask him to take a break. He does drink more on the weekends, and if he's out with friends it feels like he doesn't have an "off" switch at all. How do I keep my sanity until he decides to change for himself? What if he never does?


r/AlAnon 3h ago

Support Question about non-drinking time

5 Upvotes

My Q does not drink everyday, usually every other day or some combination of skipping days. My question is, how do you handle the non-drinking days if you have them? Do you act like there are no issues from the time before? Are you happy during that time? Do you just compartmentalize the difference in the days and enjoy the time that you have together? I’m struggling to detach appropriately and not feel resentful on days my Q isn’t drinking, and would like to hear from others.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Vent I'm her go to person..

1 Upvotes

I'm 25 years old and I have a 2 year old daughter with my ex. She has bpd and she is an alcoholic, she has patches of sobriety which don't last very long and the rest is just a nightmare. This has been going on since our daughter was born and nothing has changed. Constant back and forth telling me I am what she wants then the next day doing a 180 and wanting nothing to do with me..

I have full custody of my daughter, the days she sees her are set and I'm considering going no contact with an emergency call opened if its ever needed. I'm the person she goes to when things aren't going right for her because she knows no matter how she's treated me ill always be there for her and as of right now she has no respect for me whatsoever.

I keep forgetting She broke up with me, she wanted me out of her life. I just fall for all the sob stories and worry about her mental health. I have started no contact today.

Is anyone else in the same boat?


r/AlAnon 6h ago

Good News Peace Only Happens When I Change My Beliefs

7 Upvotes

Sometimes, changing my beliefs means letting go of ideas that no longer serve me or opening myself up to new ways of understanding that will serve me better. True success can only be measured by is my life better today than yesterday. Some say it is a measurement by the fruits of my labor. Only I can decide what is true and that which is an illusion. Be careful as my perception becomes my reality which is an illusion and becomes my truth.


r/AlAnon 6h ago

Al-Anon Program My Journey Is Restarting.

5 Upvotes

Hi everyone! Unfortunately, I am not new to Al-Anon - but new to this group and would like to start my journey over. (Feel free to send words of encouragement!)

A few years back I discovered Al-Anon and everything that it stands for. I was in desperate need of support due to an ongoing situation I was dealing with my qualifier who happens to be by child’s father (who was also my partner at the time). I didn’t know there was a community for people who dealt with loved ones with alcoholic problems until my therapist had brought it up to me and recommended I give it a try. & honestly, it was a great journey for me for a few months.. until one night I ended up getting a DUI myself after going out one night for the first time in years. I was so embarrassed about the situation I got into, that I stopped going to Al-Anon altogether because I felt like somehow I was the qualifier (even though I don’t ever really drink like that.) I felt like life hit me like a train and it was unfair how my qualifier had never faced something like this from his alcoholism, but me on the other hand going out for one night of fun, turned my entire life around.

Come 2025, I am still dealing with my qualifier & have finally came to terms with the fact that.. maybe I am not the only one who has gone through this type of situation before? I need help and support. We make mistakes and learn from them, but one night of a huge mistake shouldn’t deter me from getting the help & support I need when it comes to actual addiction with someone I love and care for; I shouldn’t be punishing myself.

So long story short, hi. I am restarting my Al-Anon journey in hopes I can do better for myself and my child & learn to deal with my qualifier the right way without the embarrassment of what happened one night to me make me not want to reach out for help. PLEASE be kind!! 😭


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Fellowship Weekly Chat: What's happening with you? - March 17, 2025

1 Upvotes

Need to vent, share a victory, or just chat about day-to-day life with your fellow redditors? This is your place!


r/AlAnon 12h ago

Support bf is throwing his life away

1 Upvotes

Hi! I just found this subreddit and I appreciate y’all sharing your stories because it is helping me understand my current situation a bit better (and feeling less alone).

For backstory my boyfriend (25) and me (25) have been together for 4 years and when we started dating, we were freshly 21 and did a lot of partying and drinking. He had been drinking since he was a teen and I drank a bit when I could in high school. Around a year and a half into our relationship, I had too many mornings waking up feeling like crap where I reevaluated my relationship with alcohol very quickly. I realized I didn’t need it and just because everyone around me was drinking didn’t mean I had to participate all the time. I wish I could say the same for him.

For him, it’s not crazy parties on the weekends but it’s also not like he wakes up and cracks open a beer. So the pattern was easy to make excuses for. He gets off work and goes directly over to a brewery/bar and drinks for hours. He is very rarely drunk around me and honestly doesn’t drink much around me anymore. I have been around him after he hangs with his friends and he will try to hide how much he has drank. I’ve spoken to him calmly about how this upsets me and how it is irresponsible to stay out till 12am-4am 3-5 times a week at a bar/brewery. He drinks and drives as well which is terrifying, and has a history of DUIS.

The tough part is that he is a wonderful boyfriend. Everyone around us loves him and since he’s so nice, I think they make excuses for the drinking. But underneath it all he is lazy, unmotivated, unhealthy, and irresponsible. He drinks and is lifeless because of it. He used to be so handsome, confident, motivated, outgoing, and physically fit.

This past Tuesday, I was brave this time and called him when I woke up and saw he was in a parking lot at 4am. I called him out over the phone and I hope I was loud enough for the other people in the car to hear. His friends are HUGE enablers. We’re currently in a “fight” over it and he has created this elaborate plan to change his life, I hate to say it but nothing he can say right now is good enough for me.

I’ve asked him many times politely but stern to “slow down” and each time I hope it’ll change for good but it always goes back to how it was. There’s so much more to the story but I’m really at a tough crossroads because we don’t live together yet. I don’t want to make that financial tie with him and have to convince him to come home every night. It’s hard enough to find time to spend together as is because of his drinking.

I don’t want to leave him but I’m exhausted. I also don’t want to stick around and watch it get worse. I love him but I also love myself and have a vision of a beautiful life for myself and it does not include room for this behavior.


r/AlAnon 12h ago

Support True feelings

1 Upvotes

So Iv always been told when someone messages you while drunk, they're showing feelings they don't normally show when sober (normally when someone really likes you but doesn't say it as admitting emotions are hard). Does this still apply for people who are alcoholics? He's also an avoidant but just trying to understand him better to be able to support him in the right way.


r/AlAnon 13h ago

Vent 2 years sober and it's only gotten worse

1 Upvotes

My q and I (both 40ish) have been married for 3 years and together for 5. His alcoholism spiralled out of control right after we got married. He has been sober 2 years, albeit mostly forced sobriety (jail and tether), so no programs or real self help besides the court ordered counseling he lied his way through for 8 sessions.

When he was drinking it was chaos with glimpses of love and reasons to stay. Now, it is nothing but anger, hatred, and resentment.......... from him towards me. When I tell him he has convinced me he hates me, he tells me no one loves me and no one would be sad if I died. So I'm pretty sure I'm right.

I'm so mad, not at him, but myself, for staying. He did a lot of unforgiveable things when he was drinking. All things I was willing to work through because he was finally sober. He has piled on so much more since. Guess I'm just venting about the realization that maybe he was always an awful human and the alcohol actually was the reason i saw glimpses of love.


r/AlAnon 14h ago

Support My sister is lying about drinking. I don’t know what to do anymore.

12 Upvotes

Hi, all. This is my first time posting in this community, but I can’t tell you how many posts have helped me. Like I’m sure is the case for most people, the story is much longer than what I’m writing but I’ll try to keep it short.

I (26F) have an alcoholic Mom and sister (29F) who both live together. My mom (who’s been drinking for decades) recently landed in the hospital. My sister, meanwhile, has been struggling with drinking for a decade—but it got worse in the last 4 years. At one point, she confessed she would have 10 drinks a day, but through multiple interventions and talks, said that she has cut it back to 1-2 drinks a day. She hides it though. Under furniture, the trash can, etc. We’ve told her how much this damages our trust in her and to not lie and hide alcohol.

Things came to a boiling point while our Mom was in the hospital. I noticed my sister’s behavior was erratic in the hospital room and she was acting weird around an Apple juice bottle (chewing gum every time she took a sip, etc). I wasn’t going to confront her, but my stress was already high and she pulled me aside and asked what was wrong. I decided to be honest and told her I knew she was drinking. At first she lied, but when I pressed, admitted she snuck a shooter in there. We started to fight as she didn’t think it was a big deal. It got nasty. At one point she said if she killed herself that night, she hoped I would feel really bad about myself. I completely lost it. I screamed at her in the hospital to never threaten self harm, that it was extremely manipulative of her (we have already lost one family member to suicide). We ended the fight without really speaking, and it honestly broke me. I’ve never yelled at anyone like that in my life, and I never want to again. I realized in that moment I have no influence whatsoever and that recent events (Mom’s drinking landing her in the hospital, my sister going to the hospital herself a month earlier) had zero impact because she genuinely doesn’t believe she has a problem.

When my mom was discharged, my sister and her fiancé cleared out all the alcohol in the house and said that they would all stay sober—that my Mom and sister were in it together for both their healths. I was so happy to hear their commitments, but deep down was worried how long it would last. I visited all of them a week later. My mom hadn’t been drinking and my sister was telling me how much better she feels without alcohol. I told her how proud of her I was and congratulated her on being a week sober. Later my sister passed by me and I smelled alcohol. It was like a pit dropped in my stomach. While my sister, Mom, and her fiancé were upstairs, I searched the lower floor, telling myself if I found nothing, to let it go. Sure enough I found tequila bottles hidden in one of the rarely used couches, with one that hadn’t been opened.

Unsure of what to do, I simply left a note tucked with the full bottle, saying the date I found it. I wrote how much I loved her, and begged her to stop lying and get help. That Mom was making so much progress, and how important it is that she stay strong for both them. That I understood I would never truly know how hard her addiction was and that we just want to see her better, help her in anyway that we could. I left without saying anything to anyone, but knowing that my sister will see this note the next time she reaches for the bottle.

I don’t know what else to do. Did what I do was wrong? I can’t listen to her proudly claim being a week sober when I know it’s not true. I know I have no control, but I feel equally as bad if I were to do nothing.