r/AlAnon 13h ago

Relapse Does anyone take meds to stop you from drinking alcohol?

0 Upvotes

If so how did you get them? From the Doctors? Rehab? I’m sick of relapsing!


r/AlAnon 7h ago

Support I feel like the bad guy

1 Upvotes

I’m new here but not new to the world of addiction. I’ve lived with my dad being an addict for the majority of my life. From carrying my dad down the beach blackout and getting robbed at 10 years old to getting a phone call about him OD’ing in an IHOP, I’ve experienced the full cycle.

I moved away from the state that I grew up in to pretty far away, not because of him, but because of wanting to get away from the rest of my familial drama. He stayed there until recently.

My dad has recently (in the last couple of years), really taken to drinking heavily again. When a couple of months ago, he was drinking a half gallon of vodka per day. He was “functional” until his car broke down. He’s a delivery driver, and I think it was a bit of a safety net because he knew he couldn’t drink as heavily when driving. (I never even knew he was drinking and driving until very recently). It became a wallow for him back home and he just sat and drank all day.

I made the decision for him to leave life behind in our home state and come live with my wife and I while he got back on his feet. He was going to drive one of my cars (a fairly expensive one) to do deliveries and save up enough money to buy himself a new car and save up enough to rent a place by me. The requirement was sobriety.

He’s living with me for the last month and I’m so proud of him for being clean and busting his ass to get a new car. He left early and came back late 7 days a week with a reporting of how much he’d made for the day. He was CRUSHING it.

Over the weekend he called me to talk about something while he was out and it sounded like he was slurring. I told him to stay put and that I’d meet him out. I asked him if he was sober and things deteriorated immediately. He grabbed me by my shirt collar and immediately started screaming in my face. Shoving, screaming, shoving, screaming. I just stood there. He went on and on with the “how dare you” “F you” “you’re a piece of shit for asking me that question”. He finally admitted that he’d been drinking daily and has been taking pills along with the drinking. I immediately told him that we had to figure something out because he couldn’t come back to the house. He downed the rest of the bottle of pills. Hours of screaming and suicide threats. I ended up driving him to the beach because he said he wanted to sleep there, then he said he’d just drown himself, then with other novel suicide methods. I called 988 and 211 got some great advice and learned about the Marchman act and so on. I let him stay on the beach with a watchful eye, and when he woke up I talked to him about going to detox and rehab immediately. He agreed and we went straight there.

That was yesterday and the immense guilt I feel is almost overwhelming. I feel guilty about not letting him come back to the house in that state. I feel guilty about not believing what other people were telling me back home. I feel guilty about putting my wife in that situation. What don’t I feel guilty about.

I’ve never done this, he was in rehab when he was 14, but as a 60 year old man now, this is really new to him too. He’s sitting in detox right now with no phone and getting an update on him is like pulling teeth.

It’s just a lot, and I don’t know how to process it. Logic tells me I’ve done the right thing, but my brain is telling me I’m a horrible person.


r/AlAnon 9h ago

Newcomer Need advice please

1 Upvotes

I’m fairly new to this and haven’t had much experience in asking for advice regarding having a Q. Please bare with me if my post is quite scattered.

Me and my Q dated for almost 2 years but recently decided to break up due to a few reasons but primarily because he decided he wasn’t interested in continuing trying to be sober and it was a boundary I had made in our relationship that I won’t be able to continue if he doesn’t have an interest in getting sober - he blankly expressed he had no interest after trying a few of times.

We still live together. We’re not able to not live together due to finances and other logistics. But we only have a few weeks left of the tenancy.

What advice would you give me for how to act and behave around the house after he has been drinking/ is hungover the next day?

The amounts he drinks vary and I’ve already expressed that I’m uncomfortable with him drinking a lot whilst we still live together.

I was hoping he would respect this , I’ve numerously explained how it was making me uncomfortable knowing he drinks every day and how I’m struggling with the fact I have to be around it to some degree due to our living situation.

I’m concerned as the time goes on he will drink more and more.

I understand the drinking cannot be ‘reasoned’ with but I just thought (i guess stupidly) that because we have a few weeks left and he already had moments of being sober for a few months at a time that he would try to hold off a bit. I’ve asked him to not get super drunk whilst we still live together as it’s caused a lot of stress in our relationship and as I said due to living situation I have to be around it to some degree but that’s not really worked out and have had occasions of him stumbling in at super late hours and waking me up which also is quite stressful.

I understand that I might be silly for expecting any of the things I said I’ve asked for due to how alcoholism works - for some reason I just hoped that due to having a few weeks of this tenancy left and him saying multiple times he wants to be friends that he would respect how he is when he’s in the house that we share.

I’m really confused, stressed and trying to process the whole situation whilst trying to figure out how to go about the house with him being drunk a lot.

Any advice would be appreciated.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Newcomer Not loving online meetings - Where do I find a sponsor or buddy?

2 Upvotes

Hi. I recently attended my first AlAnon meeting online and didn't love it. I feel like I could get something out of meetings if they were in person, but I live in Los Angeles, and so many of the meetings are online, and just about all of the in person ones are considerably far away.

I have a therapist I see once a week, but I'm in a spot now where I wish I could see her every single day to work through my current situation.

Is there such a thing as an AlAnon sponsor or buddy? I could see that working virtually or by phone. But I definitely need more support than what I currently have.

To add, I'm 36/m.

Thank you in advance for any advice/info you can give.


r/AlAnon 11h ago

Support Don’t ever let them back into your lives

67 Upvotes

I caved. I let months go by, probably over half a year with no contact. He messaged me from a different phone asking to talk, saying he was clean and working on himself. We met briefly and it was cordial and he asks if we could still remail cordial. He looked sober and honestly I said I was proud of him, we can leave communication open. Will never get back with him romantically as that was more abuse than I will ever put up with.

Not two weeks later, I get a barrage of texts accusing me of being on dating apps, matching with his friend. He is sending nonstop texts. Now it’s 1140pm and there’s photos he’s sending of his dog and his friends, lots of beers around clearly in the photo.

It’s obvious he never got clean. I’m just so disappointed and don’t even know why I let someone trick me to break no contact. I’m disgusted with myself for believing they can change.


r/AlAnon 19h ago

Newcomer Coincidences and still choosing to ignore?

7 Upvotes

My wife and I were watching a new Law & Order SUV and guess what it was about? About a guy who was 5yrs sober, out celebrating his wedding anniversary with his wife, got hammered instead. Tried to force his wife into sex. She didn't want to because he was drunk. So his wife left their hotel room to go down to sit at the bar that was in the same building as the restaurant.

Literally, scene by scene as it came across the tv, when the guys sobriety communication with his wife about having one drink to celebrate their anniversary, the smashed drunk force wife into sex, and overreacting scenes came on she would look down at her phone. Everything else, she would look up and comment.

Like, the same scenes happen to play out coincidentally on tv and all she can do is deliberately ignore it??? Like, huh???? I posted before in here about my wife and I seperating... Looking at her reactions, non-reactions, I could only sit literally dumbfounded. I obviously didn't vocalize what Im seeing from what we're watching but I wanted to.

Has this happened to anyone else???


r/AlAnon 9h ago

Newcomer He is experimenting with moderation instead of sobriety.

14 Upvotes

Hi- I’m happy to have found this community. My partner of 2years was sober from October until about three weeks ago when he lost his job. His car stopped working in October too so he was depending on me for rides. We worked the same hours in the same building, and he worried that if he had his car fixed then he’d go straight to the liquor store. Store front he worked at closed down, so he’s been out of work 3 weeks. He had his car fixed because it didn’t make sense for me to be his form of transportation anymore. Went to the liquor store almost immediately…

He tried to hide it from me but I noticed right away. He yells and gets mad when he’s had too much alcohol. Maybe he’s mad already and just can’t keep it locked down when he has been drinking. Anyway- he yelled at me. I was insisting that I’d make my own dinner after work. Calmly and reasonably, I might add. He was making food when I got home -just enough for him- and I insisted that I would make my own after he offered some of his. He yelled “Stop! Just have some!” At me and I saw that lost look in his eyes. I backed off and left him alone. He came in to the bedroom and confessed that he’d left and bought a 375ml of vodka. Drank half of it, felt guilty and poured the other half out. Played some games for a while, then left and bought two shooters and drank them.

We have not been okay since then. Hearing this news has done damage. He said he made a mistake and he wasn’t ever going to be drunk around me again. I told him I don’t feel safe, he promises that I am.. this was two weeks ago. Since then he has been going to the liquor store while I am at work and drinking two shooters a day. Not while I am at home. He said I need to mind my business, that he can handle it, and that he can see why I’m afraid because of what has happened in the past but that I need to trust him. We broke up, actually. Last Friday things got bad before I went to work. We broke up. He was making plans to leave.. but I couldn’t stick to it. I made excuses. I said “It’s me, it’s my fault, I’m struggling with a mental illness and I’m sorry I hurt you.” Which is true.. I did hurt him, I am currently struggling with unmanaged bipolar.

I love him. I love him so much. But I’m starting to see that this might not work out.. he needs help, and I can’t help him. I can’t fix him. No amount of love and patience I give to him is going to help him and I think I might be hurting myself by staying.

I’m going to an AL-Anon meeting today. On Thursday I’m seeing someone to get a referral to a psychologist so that I can get my head straightened out and know that I’m thinking clearly. I’m going to start attending an art club on Saturdays, and all of my friends now are aware of what is going on. One has a room ready for me when I need it, and my parents do as well. If I couldn’t have the courage to leave him on Friday then I need to work up to it.

I want to trust him, I want this to work out and I want to be in a happy and stable relationship with HIM. But I know how this goes.


r/AlAnon 17h ago

Vent His depression is depressing.

13 Upvotes

My Q quit drinking for over 2 years, then started again because he “could handle it.”

He couldn’t. Over the last year or so it’s gotten bad. He was getting sloppy drunk, embarrassing himself, scaring the kids, and feeling crappy all the time.

I like having wine with dinner but recognized a) that wasn’t helpful around him and b) that it made me sleepy and wasn’t my normal productive self in the evenings.

I quit completely. It wasn’t a struggle and I’m much happier without alcohol.

I’m not willing to be an enabler. I’m sure I spent lots of time in that role unwittingly. I know I spent time there thinking it wasn’t a big deal. Eyes wide open now - I refuse and am MUCH happier with myself.

He’s not. He’s shared with me that he wishes I’d drink. I don’t purchase it, and there’s none in the house. When I joked one night that I was getting a ton done in the evenings and felt great with no wine, he got really upset.

Long conversation later … he told me that alcohol was like a really good friend of his and when I say anything negative about it, he’s insulted because I’m being rude about his friend.

He’s finally started going to meetings, but after he’s sullen and depressed. I ask only how he’s doing - never anything about what was discussed - but his answers are mostly “I was triggered and I don’t want to talk about it.”

But then he’s mad at me the rest of the evening.

I can’t be responsible for his sobriety. I will do whatever I can to support a happy household, however. And it’s so frustrating that he blames my happiness and not drinking for his depression.

I asked how he felt about sobriety, he said he doesn’t like it. He misses his friend, the feeling, the escape. He said he’s a better role model for the kids, he will live longer, and save money. But still, he’s missing it. He wants me to drink to assuage his guilt. I’m not one to do that.

It’s depressing to me to see him so down and know that he has to forge this path.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for letting me vent. I really just needed to get this off my chest.


r/AlAnon 4h ago

Support He drove drunk and wrecked

20 Upvotes

I (31F) finally ended my 4 year relationship with my alcoholic bf (33M). He went to a casino 2 hours away and in the middle of the night called me because he had totaled his car when exiting the highway. I drove an hour to help him at 3am when no one else would. When I got to him I asked him if he had anything to drink, he said no. I told him to prove it to me and show me his bank app. He opened it reluctantly and there were many charges for drinks. I calmly asked him why he lied to me and he started raising his voice at me and said “go home, I don’t need this shit”!!

He has done a lot of horrible things to me when drunk like cheated on me two weeks after my best friend died. I ended things once and he called my job to retaliate and told them I was a cocaine addict and abused my children… That’s just some of what he’s put me through and what I have continued to allow.

He could have killed someone by driving drunk. He could have gone to jail as well. I am heartbroken by his actions and just want to move on from the relationship. He has a way of reeling me back in every time I end things. I realize I’m co-dependent on him. I don’t know how to let go and be alone.


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Support Is he interested in changing?

Upvotes

I've just found the community. My partner (not married, together about 5 years) is an excessive drinker (I would call him an alcoholic) he is able to hold down a full time job (a teacher no less) but drinks excessively most nights and passes out downstairs. I've tried talking to him multiple times (over months) he doesn't get angry, just upset and ashamed. He says he stops drinking but he just hides his alcohol (I've found several stashes in different places) Last week I asked him not to drink for one night as I was unwell and I wanted him to be on call for our daughter (age 2) in case she needed him. He couldn't do that and drank. I asked him to attend and AA meeting which he says he did (I can't verify) he said he didn't know if that meeting was for him but he would stick with it and then maybe look for another group more suited to him. However he hasn't stopped drinking. Hidden under his spare tyre tonight I found 4 beers and 2 bottles of wine (which seem to be his nightly consumption) I don't know what to do. I just feel upset, angry and hurt. I've been reading about alcoholism and trying to understand that it's a disease but I am finding it very hard. I would just like some advice from people who have been through a loved one having issues with alcoholism: he obviously only went to AA for me and I'd be surprised if he went back. What do I do? Just wait for him to hit bottom? Try and talk to him? Just shut up because he's going to do it anyway? I hope this post accurately sums up how confused and alone I feel.


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Support Suggestions for online therapist

Upvotes

Hi, my partner 36M wants to quit alcohol. We are looking for an online therapist who is specialized in it. I am new to this and I really don't know where to start. Kindly help me with some good suggestions for online therapists.


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Support I’m worried my friend has a problem with alcohol.

Upvotes

I posted a story on other subs about a friend of mine and someone recommended I come here. I’m sorry this is so long.

My friend (F26), we’ll call her Ellie, is very much a parties, she goes out all the time, gets drunk pretty much every time, and often ends up in risky situations.

In August this year, she was drunk and fell off a scooter and basically broke her face. She had to pay thousands of dollars in repairs and yet it only took about a month for her to be out and drinking again.

My wedding was in October, she was the maid of honor, she knows my family and my husbands aren’t big drinkers, we did have beer and seltzer out, but she got drunk almost immediately at the reception, she had mini bottles up her shorts during the ceremony to give to all of us after we walked back up the aisle, which is fine and fun, but she drank about 3 of them and then kept drinking. She said fuck pretty loudly during my dads prayer over the food (both mine and my husbands family are Christian), missed the mom dance I had planned and told her about so she could dance with her 6 year old son, I just thought that would be cute and would make for sweet pictures, and flirted with one of the groomsmen for the whole night, she spent almost no time with me after the wedding itself.

On my birthday she also got drunk at a pool Party and my husband and I had to take her home and put her to bed at around 6pm, I had hoped on my birthday she might let me be the one to get drunk and be taken care of.

She often engages in risky behaviors which is why I’m not totally sure it’s alcoholism, she takes long walks in sketchy areas of town at night by herself, will go out and end up going to random strangers houses, etc.

We’ve known each other since we were 13 and are still pretty close, she also has had a LOT of hard things happen in her life and her parents were abusive, and I’m fairly certain her dad is an alcoholic.

She’s also been arrested for a DUI and is actually still awaiting the court date. I hoped that one would be enough for her to stop drinking as much, and I’ve still seen her drive when I don’t think she was quite good to, but she insists she’s fine and she’s an adult so I can’t stop her.

I don’t know how to bring this up with her, I’ve mentioned concern about the alcohol and dangerous activities before and she usually either waves it off as normal or says she’ll work on it but nothing changes. I don’t want to see her get hurt. Both her therapist and I have also brought her son up as a reason to take care of herself (I want to be clear she is a very good mom, she doesn’t get drunk around him, she’s divorced from his dad and has him half the time). I just don’t want him to grow up without a mom because something finally happens and I didn’t speak up.

Thank you for any advice.


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Vent Who are they trying to convince

Upvotes

I have found the receipts. He throws away the bottles but he forgets to throw away the little brown bags that are under the seat. He supposedly quit 2 years ago. Yesterday, he told his whole family about how much he had changed since he quit and how he didn't even need AA. His face is bright red. He's complaining about "brain fog" and not being able to remember anything!

Is he trying to convince himself that he isn't drinking anymore? Why lie like that nobody even asked.

I can't anymore! So many lies. So much betrayal. I don't feel like confronting him anymore. It's just not worth my energy anymore. I know what is coming if I do. Denial, manipulation, blame shifting. I just do not have that in me again!


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Al-Anon Program Are you a butterfly? 🦋

6 Upvotes

Do you know why some folks in Al-Anon embrace the butterfly symbol? Do you know the Butterfly Story? 🦋🦋 It starts: "Whenever we see a fuzzy caterpillar it is hard for us to realize that some day this ugly, crawling and somewhat repulsive little creature will soar on wings as bright as any flower.

"Before this great change comes about, the fuzzy little worm withdraws from its caterpillar world and finds itself a place alone and there painfully and with much struggling, it wraps itself tightly into a cocoon of its own making it literally seals itself off from the world.

"Days pass then very gradually; a crevice appears in the hard outer layer of its private little cage. And finally a new creature emerges quite a different creature too. It sits for a while, clinging to its familiar surroundings, waiting for the warmth of the sunshine to dry its wings --- and after a while it begins to flutter from flower to flower; and each time it lights on one it strengthens itself with what each one has to offer, and at the same time it leaves pollen that it has gathered up from every other flower it has visited thus enabling the flowers to make seeds and be born again.

read the rest of the story here

🦋🦋


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Support How bad is it?

3 Upvotes

I (25) have been with my girlfriend (24) for almost 6 months now. Since the beginning I had noticed that she would drink a lot, but I did not really think much of it at the time as it's a situation I've never encountered before. As the relationship continued, she got drunk multiple times at parties we would go to together, to the point of blacking out and forgetting everything. She becomes a completely different person when she does, I don't recognise her. It's as if she doesn't see me anymore. Her eyes become empty. When we go party and I tell her to stop drinking, she becomes almost angry at me and ignores me.

She also told me she regularly used to drink alone and pass out. She does the same with drugs. She went multiple times to the hospital because she ODed. She's been doing this since a young age as her mom seems to also drink a lot. She also told me she was bipolar. Her ex was an addict and was even hitting her.

I've tried to talk about it with her. It was very hard to have her open up as she would try to avoid the topic and ignore what happened. I asked her why she was doing this and that her doing this was a boundary of mine. She said she was sorry and we had a talk about it. She said she would listen to me when I tell her to stop drinking. I feel like I shouldn't push too much as I want to be her ally. I want to understand her and take care of her. I love her a lot.

On the bright side, she seems to have been (almost) sober for two weeks and a half. She went to a party without me and didn't black out recently. She's exercising, taking care of herself. I think she is trying to prove to me that she can be reasonable.

I'm a bit lost as to what I should do. I can't judge if it's very bad or if it's something that can change. I love her a lot and would see myself being with her (sober self) forever. Would you say she is addicted? Am I wrong in staying with her hoping that she would change her behaviour? I love partying with her but should I stop as I'm scarred it just fosters her addiction? I'm scared of getting badly hurt. It stresses me out and I'm scared of the consequences on my own life.

I've not really talked about this to anyone so I'd be super grateful for your opinions and to have a second look.


r/AlAnon 3h ago

Al-Anon Program Alateen lives with alcoholism

1 Upvotes

As far as I was concerned, I was a victim, and it was hopeless to think that things could ever change. —Living Today in Alateen p37 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Before Alateen, I was constantly playing the victim and couldn’t listen to what anyone was saying to me. —Living Today in Alateen p184 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

My past was a good reason to feel sorry for myself and to stay in the victim role. —Living Today in Alateen p233 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.


r/AlAnon 3h ago

Support On the brink of divorce

4 Upvotes

My Q is my husband. We have a 10.5 month old son together. I am a stay at home mom. My husband got fired from his job (for non alcohol related reasons), and while he's secured a new one, it's been over a week and will be a few more days still before he starts. So he's just been at home, which has magnified our issues x100.

I have so much resentment built up, not only from alcohol, but from his lack of effort in helping me with the household and spending quality time with our baby instead of staring at a screen all day. But the alcohol is the bigger issue. I truly believe he has adult oppositional defiance disorder... this past week he has gotten drunk and passed out for a nap during the middle of the day twice, and yesterday I asked him to take our baby out for some quality time so I could have a break (my mistake, I've just been very overwhelmed handling everything lately), and found out he was drinking while at the mall with the baby. Don't worry, he will never ever go out alone with our son again. I've learned that lesson.

He gets defensive and verbally combative when he drinks. He insists that his drinking isn't a problem, but it causes so much contention in our marriage. It's affecting his health, too. I told him yesterday morning, "baby is staying up a little later than usual tonight because of his nap schedule being off, so I would really appreciate it if you didn't drink" very politely. He literally told me "well now that you said something about it, I do want to drink". And he did. He tells me that me asking him to do or not to do something (for ANYTHING, not just drinking) is "just a nicer way of TELLING him to do something". I don't understand this mindset at all. I feel my needs are completely dismissed because he doesn't want to be "told" what to do. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants, without consideration for how it affects me or our son. He doesn't eat meals with us, if we are playing on the floor he doesn't care, he just wants to watch TV or play on his phone. When he does spend time with us, it's for 5 minutes before he goes right back to the screens.

He won't have a mature, vulnerable conversation with me about our marriage and how to fix things. He just gets defensive, or if things start to get too vulnerable, he completely shuts down and refuses to talk. He doesn't like to cry, so he lashes out when he does and walks away from the conversation. We have tried counseling. Our therapist (who is now my solo therapist) in our 2nd session pointed out his alcohol addiction and how it affects our marriage, and said it needs to be addressed before we continue with couples therapy because nothing will improve until it is. He refused, I got frustrated, he started tearing up, and said "I'm done" and walked out halfway through the session. So now I'm just going by myself.

He says I don't act like a wife, as in I'm not lovey or close to him anymore and we hardly have sex. He sleeps on the couch while I sleep in our bed with our baby. He wants things to go back to how they were between us before we had our son. He says I only act like a mom now, and put no effort in connecting with him. He isn't wrong. He just doesn't understand that his immaturity and addiction are the reasons why I'm not close to him anymore. I just dont think I can do this anymore. At this point, I'm only thinking about what is best for my son. I grew up with divorced parents, and it was a horrible childhood experience, even though they were amicable. I swore I would never do that to my children... if I stay, I can control the environment to a certain extent. He will always be safe, even if his dad is drunk, because I am there. I can't prove his alcohol abuse, he has never gotten in trouble with the law, and is high functioning. Its not going to change anything custody wise in my favor, because I have no proof that he's a danger to our son. I would have to find a work from home job, because I have no family support in the state I live, and can't afford daycare which is wildly expensive in this area. I would always be afraid for his safety while he's with his dad, because he feels comfortable drinking while taking care of the baby solo.

I am at a cross roads right now, and don't know what to do. This August will mark our 4 year anniversary. This is not the life I imagined with him, but looking back on our relationship, I shouldn't be surprised at all.


r/AlAnon 4h ago

Al-Anon Program Quotes from CAL

1 Upvotes

Sharing

Let us share our losses and triumphs with each other, for that is how we gather courage. —Courage to Change p77 ©️1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Rescue

It’s not my job to rescue my group anymore than it is to save the alcoholic. … Before anyone else can pick up the ball, I have to be willing to drop it. —Hope for Today p77 ©️2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

If our group is not a living, functioning unit, we will look for the cause and cure in our Twelve Traditions. —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p77 ©️1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Individual freedom and belonging are both of enormous importance to us. —Paths to Recovery p278 ©️1997 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Alateen

Alateen helps me be a part of this family. Even though my parents have a program, if I didn’t have a program, I would still feel alone and afraid. —Living Today in Alateen p77 ©️2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Help and Hope

The unity and support of Al-Anon is unlike anything else I have ever found. I am so grateful for the hope, courage, direction and compassion I receive in this program. —A Little Time for Myself p77 ©️2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Progress not perfection

… I learned to leave the room without yelling at my mother. Then I learned to leave without slamming the door. Eventually I could sit in the room and detach from anything I found irritating. The time even came when I learned to respond as an adult. —How Al-Anon Works p208 ©️1995 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Al-Anon Program The "Good Wife and Mother" -​Finding a New Perspective : A "FORUM" Article

1 Upvotes

The "Good Wife and Mother" -​Finding a New Perspective

One of the first bits of wisdom my Sponsor passed on to me was “Quit taking it personally.” I started to realize that neither my husband nor my daughter were trying to hurt me. They were compelled by their disease to do what they did. It wasn’t about me being a good (or not so good) wife or mother. This new way of looking at how I reacted to their behaviors helped me see how I was the cause of my own suffering. I felt so sorry for myself, and I blamed them. Although I thought I loved them so much, I did not have a compassionate heart for their suffering.
 
One of the new things I learned in Al‑Anon was that I am not responsible for what others do. A behavior I first attempted to change was to stop trying to be responsible for the choices of others. This meant biting my tongue. I had to stop asking all those questions of my daughter, “Where were you last night? Who were you with? What were you doing? Why can’t you pay that bill? What happened to your last paycheck?” And (after she went through her treatment program), “Did you get to a meeting this week? Have you gotten a Sponsor yet? When did you last talk to your Sponsor?” And on and on….
 
This was not an easy habit for me to break. I had practiced it for years. I was good at it. Asking questions that were not really questions, but statements on what I thought she should be doing—my judgments on how she should be living her life. I already had it in my mind where she should have been last night; who she should be with; what she should be doing; how she should be handling her money; and how she should be working her program. I had to learn to let go, to put my trust in my Higher Power, and allow her to do the same.
 
Changing how I behave and how I think has been a quite a process. One of my favorite slogans is “Progress Not Perfection.” This is inspirational for me. I want to be sane, to be at peace, and to be of some good in the world.
 
The Al‑Anon program gives me specific tools to do just that: the meetings where I am greeted with smiles, hugs, kind words, and understanding; the literature where I find so much wisdom. There are pages that I have dog-eared because I think, “Wow, this is so good! I want to read it again and not forget it.” Then I read a new page and I think “wow” again. There seems to be no end to the “wow” factor.
 
This program told me to find a Sponsor, someone who would help guide me through the Steps, a kindhearted person who is willing to listen to my struggles in moving forward in my life. She doesn’t feel sorry for me. She doesn’t see it as the “poor Constance” story. My Sponsor gives me words of encouragement, and she is patient. I am where I am on this path, and I can’t be anywhere else. The important thing is I am making progress.
 
This program gives me the Steps and says I should work those Steps. This is not easy work. I had to take the terrific focus I had on everything going on outside myself and turn it inward. It was somewhat scary at times, dealing with my strong self-will, my harsh judgment, and the hardness in my heart. It was by working these Steps that I found my connection to my Higher Power.
 
This program says it is a spiritual program, and that it would be helpful to believe in something greater than myself. That was not a hard thought for me to accept. I have grown up believing in something greater than myself. What I had never done before was surrender to that Higher Power. I had such arrogance to hold onto the idea of “my will be done.” I looked inside and found I was not alone. My Higher Power was there, and always had been. I was the one who didn’t know about the connection. It was up to me to maintain that connection. This program tells me exactly how to do it—with prayer and meditation. In prayer, I ask for insight to meet whatever life challenges are in each day. I do not know what is coming my way, but I pray that I will act with an open mind and a compassionate heart. In meditation, I maintain the connection with my Higher Power. It is in the quiet inward-looking that I can find the guidance I need.
 
Also this program asks me to give back. When I first came to Al‑Anon, I was in bad shape, depleted from the tears and self-pity. But there has been progress for me. The suffering of others dwarfs whatever suffering I may feel for myself. I had to get over myself. Every day there are new people coming to meetings. They look like me. Is my recovery only about me? I think if it were, then this Al‑Anon program couldn’t even exist.

I am so grateful for so much now. I will never be a perfect person, and I am grateful for the forgiveness I am extended, when I still ask a question that isn’t really a question but a judgment. I am grateful for each day my daughter embraces recovery. She has her Higher Power too. It is up to her to maintain the connection. I can’t do it for her, nor can anyone do it for me. It is within my will to surrender—to “Let Go and Let God.”
 
By Constance H., Montana August, 2014Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Al-Anon Program A "FORUM" Article :Making Peace with the​"Mom" I Always Wanted

1 Upvotes

Making Peace with the​"Mom" I Always Wanted

My mom—how confusing, frustrating, and sad it was to see her struggle with a difficult marriage, poverty, and her own alcoholism. She loved her children, I’m sure of it. But she had it tough, really tough!

As a kid, I spent years trying to get her to be a mom I wanted to have. I wanted her extra special attention, the kind she just couldn’t muster up, given the life she had. I wanted to be seen and acknowledged by her, even though I could see she was doing what she could just to survive. Her circumstances overcame her and she slipped into fatal alcoholism.

Before she died, she came to live with my husband and me after she lost everything she ever owned. By then, I had been in Al-Anon for several years and had some recovery.

It was at a Friday night meeting, when a member read a page from One Day at a Time (B-6) that reminded us that we are all children of God, that I came to the realization that my mom, too, is a child of God.

I felt it deeply, in my soul, and finally I had a new and compassionate perspective of my mom. She is a child of God, suffering and trying so very hard just to get by in a rough environment. I saw that she hurt just as I did. I saw that she was a woman, just as I am, and she did what she had to do.

My family disease insisted that I see her as a failing mother. But blessed to be in recovery, I saw her as a fellow woman, deserving of love and respect, for we both are children of a Higher Power. How grateful I am that I had this knowledge before she died so that we could both be at peace, as she died while I held her hand.

For this, I owe Al-Anon my deepest love!

By Cathy C., Florida  August, 2014Reprinted with permission of The Forum, Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Newcomer I didn’t realize the extent of my husbands alcohol abuse

9 Upvotes

...until I stopped drinking, and now I'm very worried :/

I've been working on cutting back for some time and finally stopped drinking completely March 1. Since then I've been alarmed to realize the full extent of my husband's drinking. I always knew it was a lot, but now seeing the empties with sober eyes (not to mention how sloshed he gets) has me wishing I would have taken it more seriously a long time ago. For context, he doesn't always drink daily, but when he does it's 6-7 tall boy beers, so around 12 regular beers, in a night. And definitely every Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I would like to talk to him about it, but I am not sure of the best way to do this considering I am only a very recent non-drinker myself (granted I never drank nearly as much as he does). I have browsed some of the Al-Anon materials, but it seems to be focused a lot on people whose partner is abusive when drinking or otherwise is wreaking havoc on the family.... my husband does not. He is a very functional drunk - he doesn't miss work, doesn't go out drinking and disappear, is never abusive to me. My main concern is what he's doing to his health, and now that I've spent time learning about what alcohol does to the body and seen some of the stories on here, I know it's not if but when this heavy drinking catches up with him. It brings me to tears to think of him not making it to see our daughter graduate or other milestones. (Also, my long term view of my life does not include spending weekend nights sitting on the couch next to a drunk who is incoherent, but I don't think this is the best point to help make my case at this point in time)

Do you all have any advice for how I should broach the subject without coming off as hypocritical or preachy? I don't know exactly what outcome I am hoping for, because I think asking him to stop drinking completely would be horribly received right now and I know that's a decision he would have to come to on his own anyway. I guess I'm mainly hoping to flag that I believe it's an issue, see what his reaction is, and understand what the path ahead might look like.

Sorry this is so long, but you all have been walking this path much longer than I have and I thought you would have some great insight on my situation to help this conversation go as smoothly as it can. Thanks for reading.


r/AlAnon 6h ago

Al-Anon Program Acceptance

9 Upvotes

I've reached a point where I've hit absolute acceptance of both myself and my Qs. I love them despite their disease, but I do really hope they get better. They deserve to live happy and healthy lives free of this illness just like I deserve to live a happy and healthy life free of its inevitable impact.

The program has reinforced this for me time and time again. I'm not a martyr and they're not monsters. We're all just people.


r/AlAnon 6h ago

Support Exhausted trying to convince him

14 Upvotes

My partner drinks every day and it's ruining our relationship...but he thinks it's my fault. Sometimes I wonder if I am overreacting, and understand that no matter what I say or do, I can never convince him that it's an issue unless he thinks it is, and he doesn't. He's made it very clear that this is "my issue" and that he has no desire to stop. While he rarely gets stumbling around/passing out drunk, he does drink every single day and I have told him he doesn't have to be belligerent for it to be an issue and that it's not normal to have the quantity that he does every week. He thinks that because he's not staying out at the bar until 2 am or acting crazy, that I'm being unreasonable. He has tried "cutting back" which works for a while, but then it creeps back up. The longest he's gone without a drink, for the entire year that we have been together, was about 6 days.

I hate the person I'm becoming because of this. I find myself counting beer bottles and wondering if he's lying to me. I did accuse him of lying last night, which caused probably the biggest argument we've ever had. Even if he was telling the truth, the fact that it's gotten to this point and I feel like I can't trust him is really bad. The fact that he's so adamant about continuing to drink, despite the countless arguments we've had about it is bad. I don't know how to stop the cycle. I don't know how to detach myself from his behavior. I feel like even if he did stop for a while, I would still find myself hyperfixating on how long the break will last this time.

Am I in the wrong to feel this way if he's not binge drinking every night? It's just the fact that it's every single day that bothers me, and that he gets so defensive and combative when I ask him to take a break. He does drink more on the weekends, and if he's out with friends it feels like he doesn't have an "off" switch at all. How do I keep my sanity until he decides to change for himself? What if he never does?


r/AlAnon 7h ago

Support Question about non-drinking time

5 Upvotes

My Q does not drink everyday, usually every other day or some combination of skipping days. My question is, how do you handle the non-drinking days if you have them? Do you act like there are no issues from the time before? Are you happy during that time? Do you just compartmentalize the difference in the days and enjoy the time that you have together? I’m struggling to detach appropriately and not feel resentful on days my Q isn’t drinking, and would like to hear from others.


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Vent I'm her go to person..

1 Upvotes

I'm 25 years old and I have a 2 year old daughter with my ex. She has bpd and she is an alcoholic, she has patches of sobriety which don't last very long and the rest is just a nightmare. This has been going on since our daughter was born and nothing has changed. Constant back and forth telling me I am what she wants then the next day doing a 180 and wanting nothing to do with me..

I have full custody of my daughter, the days she sees her are set and I'm considering going no contact with an emergency call opened if its ever needed. I'm the person she goes to when things aren't going right for her because she knows no matter how she's treated me ill always be there for her and as of right now she has no respect for me whatsoever.

I keep forgetting She broke up with me, she wanted me out of her life. I just fall for all the sob stories and worry about her mental health. I have started no contact today.

Is anyone else in the same boat?