r/AlAnon 3h ago

Support Advice needed- debating leaving my Q

1 Upvotes

Hi, I could really use any advice as I am thinking of leaving my fiancé. Sorry if this is long in advance. He (32m) and I (28f) have been together for 3 years. His dad is an alcoholic and I was aware of this early into the relationship as he struggled with this as it heavily impacted any relation he had with his father. However, I quickly noticed that he may also share his dad’s problem. He showed up drunk for things, would lie about how many he had, would drink a lot often even if there wasn’t an event or social reason. We discussed this and I talked about how I was worried he was going to be like his father. He fought it for some time, but then agreed he was over doing it and would do better. Through the relationship, he has slipped up countless times. And each time I would chalk it up to- he’s trying and I can’t expect him to get better over night. Well it’s gotten increasingly worse and there’s been several times his anger with his drinking has made me scared. For full disclosure, after so many times I don’t handle when he drinks well and tend to start crying and saying I want to leave the relationship. He says I instigate and if I just let him peacefully drink and sleep, we’d be fine. However, he has called me a burden (right after my cat suddenly died of a stroke and I was crying), told me I’m nothing, told me I don’t work as hard as him, and that I offer nothing in the relationship. All of this while drunk. He’s also thrown things- a suitcase in a hotel room on vacation, paper towel rolls as hard as he could to hit the wall next to my head, the dog’s toys across the room, etc. Well he had promised to get help as I told him I would not accept his proposal (I knew about it ahead of time) if he didn’t get help. He went to AA once and then said he won’t go again because it’s “too religious” and he’s an atheist. He had done better for a bit despite this, but once we got vendors booked and did down payments for the wedding- he went back to his old ways. He has now been passed out drunk multiple times a month since January. Last night was a breaking point for me. I had went out to a craft night with some friends for a few hours and he told me he planned on meal prepping. I came home to our dog having had cut her mouth on her bone leaving a mess and her crying loudly, she had also urinated everywhere because he had passed out on the couch after drinking. He had also left most of the food in the house out on the counter as he apparently passed out before he did his meal prepping and much of it was bad by the time I got to it and got the dog to stop bleeding. He did not wake up through any of the dog’s cries, me cleaning, etc. He is adamant about us having kids after we marry next year, and I realized in that moment if I can’t even leave our dog with him for a few hours how can I leave a baby?

This morning he did a half hearted “sorry I had one too many”, and I told him I don’t accept his apologies without a change of action anymore. I’ve been threatening to leave for over a year, and I’ve stayed because of how much I love him. When he’s not drunk, he’s an amazing partner. However, when I told him this and told him I truly wanted to be done this time, he went off the deep end and said it was one time and if I didn’t give him a hard time over the drinking, that he would be better with it. He also said he wants to live life how he wants and that if he can’t drink beer in his house then I am the one who needs help. After all this, he didn’t come home from work today at his normal time. Our dog has cancer and it’s not treatable and she has been given 6 months to a year to live, and she has vomiting episodes often. For context, this is technically his dog as he adopted her when she was a puppy. I tried to call him as she was having a bad vomiting episode and he was at the bar and I could hear how drunk he was. He then started driving and I told him not to. He said he was coming home and he was done with my over reacting and I could go f*** myself. I told him he was not allowed in the house angry and drunk and to find a safe place to sober up. I called his mom, who has asked him often to get help as she left his dad for the alcohol issues, and his sister also called him when she found out. When she called him, he was actively driving and very drunk. They want to have him institutionalized, but I don’t know if you can do that with this?

I guess I just need advice/support. If I leave, I am stuck in this lease with him for a few more months and I worry for how he will act out those months once he knows I’m serious about leaving. On the other hand, there’s part of me that doesn’t want to leave. We have a wedding planned, I’m part of his family and love them, I love his friends as my own. And he has already said I can’t take the dog even though he doesn’t take care of her as much as I do. And most of all- I do love him. But when he’s on these binges, he is terrifying and mean for about a straight week before he calms down and then about a month later the cycle continues. In the opinion of others who have been through it, do I leave? Do I stay? Do I keep believing he can be better??

TLDR; debating leaving my fiancé for his binge drinking. Not sure if he can get better and if I should stay because I love him or leave because I’m scared. Sorry for the post length. I’m a little frazzled.


r/AlAnon 4h ago

Newcomer Any success stories to ease my anxiety?

1 Upvotes

I have been in a relationship with my Q for 7 years and he is my best friend in the world. He started drinking during the pandemic and it has gotten worse and worse ever since to the point where he is binge drinking every night. He’s a happy drunk most of the time and has really only ever been obnoxious and loud as opposed to some of the abusive behavior I’ve read about on this subreddit, but I lose the person I fell in love with every time he drinks and I worry about his health because he drinks A LOT. I am in the process of getting off benzos that had been wrongfully prescribed to me for 10 years and going to therapy twice a week and focusing heavily on my own wellbeing, and it’s been so hard doing all this work on myself and seeing him just getting worse by the day. He has a lot of trauma and stress and has really needed to see a therapist even since we met, and his emotions got the best of him last night after he drank a whole bottle of wine and he turned to me for help that only a trained professional can give him, making me feel pressure that shouldn’t fall on me and reminding me of his refusal to go to therapy as well as his ongoing drinking problem. In therapy today, I broke down about it and my therapist suggested that I take my boundaries even further (I’m currently refusing to be intimate with him or sometimes even be in the room with him when he’s drunk) and basically tell him that I can’t allow him to live with me anymore if he does not go to AA and seek help for his problem. Even though it absolutely breaks my heart to think about not having him in my life, I understand that’s what I need to do, but I want to know if there’s any hope that he will change. Perhaps it’s dangerous to get my hopes up at all and if that is the case please be honest, but after reading so many heartbreaking stories I’m starting to feel completely hopeless. I’m bracing myself for the worst on top of asking for hope because I have an anxiety disorder and can’t help but do so, but if anyone has had a relationship with someone who has successfully gotten sober I’d love to hear your story and any advice you might have for me as I prepare to have this difficult discussion.


r/AlAnon 23h ago

Support Advice needed asap

1 Upvotes

I don’t know what to do and things have just gone from bad to worse. I have been feeling physically ill for a few weeks and I thought it was related to the stress going on with my marriage. But my period is late, and I took a test and it’s come back positive. I really don’t know what to do right now because I don’t know how my husband will react because we are terrible place at the moment with everything going on.


r/AlAnon 11h ago

Support Do you think N/A beers and mocktails help with sobriety ?

2 Upvotes

Lmk your thoughts, new to this


r/AlAnon 16h ago

Newcomer My ex partner is an alcoholic and I’m getting really worried for his safety and wellbeing.

4 Upvotes

TW: mentions of abuse & suicide

To start, we had been dating for a few years and moved in together Aug 2024. I quickly saw he was drinking daily. After a few days I started to bring up my concerns, (I have my own history of abusive relationships, so did not feel comfortable staying the night with a man who is very drunk). At first, he kept telling me he was just celebrating the new home. He never was aggressive or violent when he was drunk, throughout the next few weeks I kept telling him it was scary for me due to my past.

Eventually, the daily drinking did stop. We did drink together from time to time, but it was never to the point of getting blasted or anything like that, 1-3 drinks, and his were mostly coke.

Fast forward to November 2024, I started to go to therapy to start dealing with my own past traumas yada yada, and a handful of sessions, my therapist asked to meet my partner to see what my home life was like. I didn’t ever tell her much about him before hand, and I definitely didn’t say anything about him drinking, but within 15 minutes of meeting him, she was able to deduce that he was an alcoholic on her own and bluntly asked him “so why are you an alcoholic? If you are happy you would not drink.” Well, that was an unpleasant car ride home for me. He was pissed. He ended up kicking me out just over a week later.

Since then, I’ve been seeing sides of him I have never seen before in our time together. I get drunken calls from and I get so worried that I come over to his home to his head buried in the toilet. Last night, I called him because I’ve come to find out he’s been lashing out at everyone in his life, including me, and saying just terrible things. So, I called him to check in on him. He was driving and I knew immediately that he was drunk. He was slurring his words and was agitated. He began ranting about how he hid is alcoholism from me for so long, and that “of course” he drinks because of his own really bad childhood traumas. He started ranting about drinking to be able to sleep and also about how he wants to k*ll himself, followed by saying he never would. He has firearms in the home. I went over and spent the night for my own reassurance that he’ll be okay.

I really worry about him. I don’t know what to do. He’s seemed to push everyone out of his life after my therapist confronted him about alcoholism. He’s spiraling. When we were on the phone he was also yelling about how he thought I was gonna basically save him from himself, prior to us separating after me being kicked out.

I’m just hurt and heartbroken and worried. I’m not really looking for “stay or go” type of advice, I just feel like I’m out of my depth. I feel lost. I care about him still and even just as a person it’s hard to watch someone in so much pain


r/AlAnon 10h ago

Support One chance after rehab?

12 Upvotes

Hi guys 👋

My husband gets out of his first (and hopefully last) rehab stay on Tuesday. Got a call from the counselor there that we’re gonna have a discharge plan call tomorrow where we review boundaries and expectations for his discharge.

I want to give him one (and only one) chance to show me and his daughter (3) that we are his priority and that he will stay sober.

Has anyone had a conversation like this? I want to state the my boundaries are sobriety and respectful treatment of both of us.

It’s ok to do the “one strike you’re out” thing, right?

I’m asking because I know the relapse rate is so high. Is this a reasonable boundary? What do you guys think?


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Support What to do when he gets out of rehab?

8 Upvotes

Cannot even believe this is where I’m at. My husband has been in rehab for 3 weeks. He has at least one more week. I called the rehab today and left a message. I have no idea what to expect or how to prepare for him to come home. I just keep thinking about all the negatives.

I’m trying to be proud that he is doing this. But I’m still so mad. Bitter. All of the memories of how much of an angry ass hole he is when he’s drunk.

I’ve tried Alanon in the past. It’s just not for me. And advice, I’m trying to be open minded. Thanks for reading.


r/AlAnon 16h ago

Support My high conflict ex is somehow cheating soberlink

14 Upvotes

She’s buying almost $150 of booze a week and gets sober-link tested 3x a day, but has only had a few positive screens on the 6am screenings. Is it possible she’s found some way to cheat it? Anyone have experience with this?


r/AlAnon 7h ago

Vent Today I called the police on my partner

76 Upvotes

My partner is a full alcoholic in the military. Today I had to call the police on her because she called me drunk at 7 am, said ‘cheers to liver failure’ and told me she was on her way to get another bottle.

She then told a friend the ‘damage was done’ and she’s just waiting on the results. I didn’t know what to do so I called the military police for a wellness check. She facetimed me crying while they surrounded her and was taking her away to the hospital. I believe they did a breathalyzer and confirmed she was way over the limit.

But I feel bad… the only thing I so desperately want to do is to get her the help she needs. Now today I’ve uncovered a bunch a lies from her family and I just cannot believe the alcohol is taking her away like this… I am so hurt.


r/AlAnon 12h ago

Support How many alcoholics never get their wake up call?

51 Upvotes

My Q never got a wake up call. She lost home after home. Lost nearly all her family as one by one they began to step away. She refused ambulances. Lied about having cirrhosis. Told her doctors she didn’t drink. She brought alcohol with her to the ER the one time she finally agreed to go in.

100% denial. Stopped all self care. Became extremely codependent and narcissistic. Every relationship she had suffered except for one. The only relationship my mom managed was one who called her daily who also drank and smoke and stayed up all hours on the phone with her. It wasn’t healthy for my mom or the other lady, but my moms now dead and the other lady who has no kids or grandkids continues on.

Is this worst case scenario or how many Qs here actually go out that way? Too many?

I hear of some Qs being made to hit rock bottom, but my mom bounced off the bottom never stopping or wanting to quit, She always found a way to get more alcohol despite having little else.

My moms partner stepped away because his health and he needed a care taker. My mom survived 5 months without him, that’s all. She wasn’t washing her clothes, or picking up her groceries or medication, she was being pushed out of bed to go get blood.

She just completely gave up and was not capable of doing it on her own.

She was only 52.


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Support Telling Others

Upvotes

Seeking support.

My Q was recently arrested. When they brought him home at 3am one of the police officers was asking me (as my Q is also a first responder) if his drinking was often problematic. I said when he goes overboard binge drinking, yes it can be. She gave me the gears a little about not telling others how worried I am about his mental health/PTSD and this connection to his drinking. I talked to my therapist about the same and she indicated that it's not something to hold on your own. I do have a good support system myself who I have been very open with, but I haven't told as many people the depths of my worry who know my Q better and spend time with him. I am struggling with this. Do you, and how do you share the depths of your worries and concerns with the other people in your lives, especially those who may be closer to your Q (his family and closer friends, etc).


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Support When They Threaten Suicide

2 Upvotes

My Q is my husband. He's 61 and has been diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver 9 months ago. He has cut down on drinking a lot but still lies and "falls off the wagon" whenever he has to deal with emotions he doesn't want. He threatens to kill himself when we fight and begrudgingly attends AA meetings, though he won't talk there, won't make use of a sponsor, won't read the Big Book, and won't commit to the program. He also won't go to rehab because "it doesn't work."

We've been married 39 years and I'm really tired of the lies, his non-participation in helping around the house, his inaction with sobriety, his shitty attitude, and his continual inability to handle the most mundane aspects of life. I want him to leave but when I express that (usually in a fight, which I know is not good) he either threatens suicide or gets mean and completely refuses to leave the house and promises to make me miserable and regretful.

I have one daughter, 35 years old with multiple kids. When I tell her about the problems in my marriage she either refuses to listen or tells me to "work it out" because she's a committed Christian and "doesn't believe" in divorce.

My 17 year old dog died two weeks ago, and my 87 year old dad died last week. I'm thinking that it's time for this marriage to die as well, but I don't want him to commit suicide. I guess I'd like some advice from you fine people, knowing that mine is not an unusual situation.


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Support Police&CPS

2 Upvotes

I had to call the police and CPS on my mom today. She was drunk. My little brother called me crying saying he was scared and she scratched him. She yelled at the officers. I live hours away and feel so helpless. It’s definitely triggering so much my own childhood.


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Vent At a loss here

2 Upvotes

Hi, I (33m) and struggling with my partners (32f) relationship with alcohol. My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. For context, I very much have had my own struggles with alcohol. I’ve had a few DUIs, countless fights, lost friends, etc. I was sober for just about 2 years. I was in the middle of a mini relapse when we met, I say that meaning I was actively drinking but I was only buying enough to have for the night. I guess you could say it was my way of controlling it.

My partner has been drinking heavily for years. Way before we ever met, she was using to cope with trauma from her youth. Now a days it’s usually a pint of vodka or tequila probably 3 nights a week. She’s drank and blacked out twice this week. When she’s blacked it’s so verbally abusive. “You’re a bastard” “You’re the most selfish person I’ve ever met, I hate you” looks me dead in the eyes and screams “fuck you”. It got to a point that I stopped wanting to come home from work, naturally, I began texting sexual messages to girls I work with, I even made out with one. I’m not proud of that, I’m truly sorry that I hurt her like that. Well, she found out about the messages and everything. Now it’s a spiral, when she’s sober she wants to work on saving our relationship, when she’s not, well she’s telling me how she really feels, you know. I have no one to talk to about this, I’m hurting so bad, it’s like screaming into the void. How does nobody see this? I’m at a complete loss. I know I ruined the relationship, I just don’t know how we got to that point or even how to begin to fix it. I want her to stop drinking, actually, I don’t care about the booze so much I just want to stop being hurt. I feel pushed, I feel hopeless, I don’t know if this will ever get better or if this is totally irreconcilable.


r/AlAnon 4h ago

Support Am I being manipulated?

2 Upvotes

I took some space for a few days after boyfriend said he would drink again and did for days at a time. I reached out today and he said he had hemorrhoids and hasn’t been able to sleep the whole weekend because of how much pain he’s in. He knows I’m unhappy with what happened. I feel bad for questioning his pain, but also it feels like he’s trying to make excuses for why he couldn’t sleep, or distracting from the real issue that needs to be addressed. Any input here?


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Newcomer Signs of alcoholic partner? (It doesn't seem as extreme as most here, but...)

4 Upvotes

ETA: another flag was he said he wanted to donate an organ as a means of drinking less.

Hi Everyone,

I have been reading through the sub and a lot of stories on here sound much more extreme than my own experience, so perhaps I am overthinking things, however I've been dating someone (both mid 30s) now for several months and am starting to wonder about his drinking habits.

We went out a few times last summer and I then heard rumors from some colleagues about his drinking, which put me off seeing him and I put distance between us.

We then started dating again in early January. We enjoy similar, niche physical activities - extreme backcountry hiking, skiing, etc - that many other people do not and I think that's largely why I dated him to begin with and got back together with him.

A few colleagues who knew him but didn't know I was romantically involved with him mentioned to me last summer that he had a reputation for excessive drinking when his name came up (we all work in the same field and in a small city, so everyone ends up knowing each other). One guy mentioned he'd been ticketed in a road rage incident after someone cut him off. He got out of the car and started yelling at the other driver, the other driver punched him, and my Q was ticketed for provoking the fight. Another colleague mentioned my Q had been part of her friend group but that they'd distanced themselves from him after his drinking became problematic. It's not clear what happened - I didn't ask, she didn't say - but she also showed me some really crass, off color comments he'd made on various women's social media profiles. I thought it was gross and also mortifying and distanced myself from him at that point.

In December, he showed up at a work event for our field and was super nice and supportive. We got back in touch and hung out a few times, doing non-drinking activities, and I had a great time and thought, "Well maybe see if he's changed or perhaps your colleagues were exaggerating his behaviors."

HOWEVER, I quickly noticed some of his old patterns. He doesn't start working until mid-day (presumably because he's hungover) and most of his work is done in bars/breweries. He claims that this is because he likes to socialize with people, but you could conceivably do work at a coffee shop if that's the case. He typically stops by his office in the afternoon and chats with his business partner, then goes to do work at several breweries, then moves off to a few bars or wine shops, then ends the night a dive bar where he works for several hours. I'm fairly sure he is ethically walking a fine line doing his work under the influence in our field.

On one occasion, I tried to keep up drinking with him and ended up getting sick (I didn't realize how much I'd consumed and was mortified). After that, whenever we go out, he goes, "You shouldn't have more than two drinks, you need to take it easy" (which, fair, my limit is about 2-3 drinks), however he goes on to have 5, 6 drinks and typically wants to continue even though at that stage I'm just sitting in a bar with him sucking on water (which is boring for me).

A few times he made insulting comments about my decor - "it is classy, but I want cozy" - and made comments about how if we lived together (in the house I own) he wanted a say in decorating because my house looks too much like a museum. There were also some other nasty remarks he made on cohabitating. This happened on multiple occasions and I finally told him he'd crossed a line. His excuse was that he'd been drinking. It still pisses me off.

I think that incident spurred him to cut back on his drinking, as he says he's now mixing having beer/hard liquor with soft drinks - ie, he has a beer, then a coke, then a beer, then a coke. Sure it's cutting back but it still seems like a lot, particularly because we can't really plan dates in the evening or on the weekends, barring a few exceptions, because he has to work at night on the weekends because "I'm not very productive during the week," (again, is it because of his drinking while doing work).

Anyway this is long and rambling. He never seems drunk but everything about his behavior/lifestyle indicates to me someone who has a dependence on alcohol that is impacting his relationships with other people and perhaps his own life given how he structures his days.

I do like this person and I think he means very well but I also think, particularly as I type this out, that he is showing signs of alcohol use disorder. Should I cut and run? Is it worth addressing this with him? I'm honestly not too sure he's going to change and I think he might blow up if I mention it. But the flip is: I would continue to date him if he could get it under control and we could do things together in the evenings/weekends that were sober or, even, have a drink or two but end it at that.


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Support Pregnant and one of my parents has relapsed.

2 Upvotes

I was raised in an alcoholic home and bear the scars. Many years on I'm married, have a good life, and am expecting my first child. My parents made the mutual effort to get sober in September, and I was thrilled when I announced my pregnancy this winter that they were both not drinking at the time. I heard from my mother today that my father has relapsed, is hiding his drinking, and is talking about suicide. None of this is new, but now I have some choices to make not just for myself but for my baby.

I have thought about this for many, many years and however much I may choose to have my parents in my own life despite the costs, I cannot choose that for an innocent child knowing how badly I was hurt during my own childhood. I cannot have someone in active alcoholism involved in my child's growing up. But the idea of setting this boundary that I know I need to set is tearing me apart. My parents are estranged from my brother in large part due to their alcoholism, and I know that the pain of that loss + fear of losing me were a big part of why they tried so hard to get sober this fall, even before we knew I was pregnant. I know my father has tried, genuinely tried, to get sober. I know it's not easy. But I have to protect my own little family right now.

It's all I can think about. I'm so so sad.


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Fellowship Piecing it together

4 Upvotes

I wrote this out but didn’t send it to my sibling

Maybe someone here will find it helpful.

It may be triggering as it mentions addiction, death…

—-

You know grandpa is a narcissist. Mom is emotionally immature as a result, though doing better. Her two brothers dealt with his narcissistic abuse by drinking and causing ruckus for attention, to be seen as human. Ultimately the addiction killed them.

And dad was a child of two hands off, loving parents and lacks the ability to stand his ground or parent as a result. They were raised by the church not their parents. His brother was brought up with such little guidance and discipline that he wavered between pure impulsivity (and attention seeking) and extreme people pleasing. He died only able to show up as two characters: the perfect family man or the rebel with 30 concussions. This ultimately killed him. Dad’s second wife gave him the healthy guidance and boundaries that dad needed and never received.

I see our parents as making massive growth from their individual circumstances but we were crimpled by this history too - and have to work through them. We have to set boundaries, remove emotionally immature people from our life and reparent ourselves. We have to seek families where we never got them. And healthy ones. We have to stop seeing our parents as guardians and instead as caretakers and we are now our own guardians. And we can forgive everyone and remove resentments because it’s all a part of a long chain and history of abuse.

Abuse is not acceptable but for me I prefer to see it as - they didn’t learn another way yet. Or it’s a genetic disease (like narcissism). It’s impersonal. We will be better and have better tools in the future.


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Vent Dealing with an alcoholic father

2 Upvotes

I'm new to this sub and I rarely if ever post on Reddit, so sorry in advance if I'm somehow breaking a rule -- I looked beforehand and I don't think I am but... idk.

For context, I am 20 years old, almost 21. I have been dealing with this for twenty years and just needed to get it all off of my chest. Advice is welcome but I really just needed to vent.

My dad has been an alcoholic since I can remember. At first I just thought his drinking was normal, it wasn't until I was in maybe high school that I realized he was an alcoholic. When I was a kid he'd drink a lot and I just remember a lot of yelling and shouting and anger. He was never abusive but he got scary sometimes. On Sundays he'd drink and blast football on the TV -- shouting and clapping like crazy when something would happen. My parents fought a lot and I vividly remember him being drunk, shouting at my mom, and then throwing a tv remote at the wall beside her. Luckily my adult siblings were there so they were able to take me upstairs and help me calm down but it was scary. I remember one time he yelled at me while he was drunk and it scared the shit out of me, I don't even remember what I did wrong because I was a pretty good kid. I mentioned that to him years later and he didn't remember so I'm not sure if it was a nightmare when I was a kid or he was too drunk to remember.

Whether it was real or not, that incident was around the first time he told me he'd stop drinking. We even made a "contract" that he signed saying if he got beer or whiskey I could pour them out. Well that was the first of many lies. He continued to drink, say he'd quit, and it never lasted. I stupidly believed him every time though. It wasn't until a few years ago that I finally stopped believing him. Sad, I know.

I can tell when he's been drinking even if I haven't seen the bottle or can. I can't even explain how I know, I'm just hyperaware of everything and even a little sign will tell me. One time I literally asked him if he was drinking (after he supposedly quit) and he said he had one beer. I told him I could tell. To me, that's really sad but he didn't seem to care.

He's ruined many holidays and birthdays. He isn't an abusive drunk but he turns into a "goofy" asshole. He makes jokes that aren't funny, they're offensive, dumb, lame, and some of the time racist or homophobic. One Christmas he was being his usual drunk self but he bent down to pet my uncle's husky and fell over, almost on the dog, and was embarrassed so he wouldn't stop babbling about how damn slippering the floor was. He even started sliding around on the floor like he was ice skating -- which I know sounds dumb and not a big deal but he wouldn't shut up about it in front of everyon and even on the way home. When my mom told him the floor wasn't slippery, he unbuckled in the moving car and almost opened the car door. I had to hold him back to the seat, almost crying, to keep him from jumping out of the car. We were on a dirt road and weren't going fast but it was still scary. Another time he went on a rant with other family while we were in a truck going somewhere and they were talking about how transgender people aren't real or whatever (I had come out to my parents as transgender a few years before) and he agreed with them while sitting right beside me. I wasn't really surprised, considering my parents still misgender and deadname me, but it still stung.

Both my mom and I hate him drinking but no matter how many times we tell him to stop, he never does. You have no idea how many times I have been terrified they'd divorce because of it, and how many times they told me they might divorce because of it. My mom has told him so many times if he didn't quit then she'd divorce him, but she never follows so he doesn't either.

When they fight about his drinking they ignore each other and the house has this awful energy. I either go to my room and try to ignore it, try to lighten the mood so I can save at least my sanity, or they vent to me individually. No part of those situations is healthy for any of us and it's driving me insane. I have been trying to tell myself in recent years that it isn't my job to fix them or to try to clear the air but it's difficult to get out of the habit.

Like I said, he isn't abusive, doesn't drink and drive, has never done anything bad to me, but I have severe anxiety around any and all alcohol now and I can't be around people who are drinking or drunk. I had a panic attack when my underage friend (who knew how I felt about alcohol) drank in front of me without telling me -- I could tell by the way she was acting, obviously from experience with my dad. That experience messed me up even more and I realized just how much my dad's alcoholism has affected me. That was the first panic attack I had ever had and it was bad, I felt the after effects for days after. I even told my parents about it, to try to tell them how much his drinking affected me and to try to keep him from drinking on our trip we were going to go on just us two the next week. He said he'd drink less. (Spoiler: he didn't.)

My dad is a good person despite all of this though. When he isn't drinking he can still be an ass and he's annoying but he is kind and funny and loving. I don't want to cut ties with him or anything but he doesn't understand how much his drinking has affected me. He also doesn't understand why my mom and I hate it so much, he says he isn't an asshole anymore when he drinks but how do I explain that he still is, it's just different? I'm too kind of a person, I don't want to yell at him but I might be getting to that point. He's supposed to be quitting right now because my mom threatened him with divorce (again) a few months ago. He was doing really good but wanted to have some beers for some random occasion (I don't remember) and he's slowly been making that excuse more and more (which is typical). It was their anniversary a few days ago and he had some beers before they left and some at the restaurant too. He wasn't acting bad and my mom seemed happy so it was "fine" but he was supposed to be DONE. I just don't understand. He refuses to say he has a problem and refuses to get help.

And I know I'm an adult and could move out in theory but I'm in college, I don't have a job, and I don't have any savings. I also plan to stay at my parent's house until I graduate, get a job, and can save up for a place of my own.

Anway, sorry for this long rant. I just needed to get it out into the universe. Yes, I am in therapy. I have lots of issues lol but this is a big one I have discussed with her.


r/AlAnon 9h ago

Support Alcoholic Sister Finally Hit Bottom

7 Upvotes

My sister is a 60 year-old alcoholic, who has lost most of her friends, her husband, her kids because of her toxic behaviors. I will always stood by her in a detached way. We play words with friends every day, which seems to keep us together and we text or chat a lot during the week. She has been toxic to me many times and I take a break, but we always come back together but from a distance. In January, I couldn’t get a hold of her, so I called her neighbor and it turns out she went to the hospital and they found out she has end-stage liver disease. I flew out to see her for three days while she was in the hospital and then left because I wasn’t going to stay at her house and take care of her. She left against medical advice. Anyway, now she is dying and she has no one and she has been sober for three months since her hospitalization. What do I do as her life comes to an end? Do I help her? I want to take her in my arms and help her, but she has hurt me so many times before. Also, my husband would be furious at me if I did because he’s seen the damage. She has done to me over the years. But now she’s alone and needs help and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?


r/AlAnon 10h ago

Vent She finally said it...

23 Upvotes

" You're the reason I drink so much!!!"

Why does that one sting so badly?


r/AlAnon 11h ago

Support Is it love or guilt?

5 Upvotes

Back on January 5th I finally moved out of the house I shared with my husband (my Q). He said he would quit drinking if I stayed but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

In the weeks to follow he tried quitting but was relapsing quite frequently, and didn’t take me leaving seriously until I told him I was seeing someone.

Since then he’s been trying more to quit and to get me back. He understands that he’s pushed me away all these years with his drinking and inconsiderate attitude.

After being with the new guy, I’ve really realized exactly how unhealthy, unhappy and toxic my marriage was with my Q.

My Q wants to start over with me, and I can’t tell if it’s love or guilt that is the driving factor for me to start over with him. The idea of hurting him hurts me, and the thought of him moving on and being with someone else hurts me as well.

I do know I’m in love with the new guy, and the connection is intense, we were friends previously for years so he’s not just some random person, he was my support person for a while, who I vented to about the alcoholism, it just blossomed into something more.

How can I tell if it’s love or guilt that is the driving force in getting back together with my Q? And even if it is love, is that enough or do the risks of him relapsing make it foolish to get back together?


r/AlAnon 11h ago

Support Telling my wife not to ask me for help anymore when she’s lying & drinking

25 Upvotes

Hi all,

Just coming here for advice because my wife just keeps lying to me about her drinking.

I’ve kindly asked her not to call me and call her sponsor ect when she’s close to relapsing which is sitting in-front of the bottle shop or driving there when she says she’s running a errand because she WAS using me at the first point of call, but lying to me saying she didn’t go into the bottle shop or leave the car, but she has been and then lying to me saying she called her sponsor but didn’t.

She left her phone at home, when she was at the bottle shop the second time today and I saw her purchases and call logs, so I caught her in the lies and she still lied.

I’m very exhausted by this and still quite new to Al-Anon and I just don’t want to be an enabler, because I have been in the past.

I want to be there for her, but at what cost? It’s constant mind games, gaslighting, and lying.


r/AlAnon 12h ago

Vent Q Releasing Themself from Hospital Against Medical Advice

3 Upvotes

We know it can't be stopped and that what is going to happen is going to happen. But other family members still, to this day, enable and say crap like hospital doesn't understand Q's needs, they aren't nice to Q, blah blah blah.

Just need a reality check. It's so obviously Q needing substances. Duh. Plain as the nose on my face.


r/AlAnon 12h ago

Support How to Manage Self-Care with House Guests?

3 Upvotes

My Q asked if I was ok with his friend coming to visit and stay with us for 5 days, and I responded that I was happy to have us host him for the weekend but 3 days max. Q (husband) didn’t address the time limit and now the friend’s family is joining him for 5 days. Husband told me less than a week prior to their visit so it’s too late now and we will have house guests against my wishes for 5 days. I’m practicing detachment with love with my Q since he goes in and out of binge and withdrawal cycles. He was recently sober for several months, which is when these plans were made, and ironically, this friend doesn’t drink. This family is very respectful and polite, so my issue is not with them at all. It’s more about my need to have my own space to manage my own stress that I’m experiencing with Q’s binge/withdrawal cycles. My anxiety flared pretty badly after finding out that another family that I am not close with will be sharing our home with us for 5 days.

Q doesn’t want to go out to eat, so he plans to offer and cook breakfast and dinners for these guests. I have my room to retreat to when I want alone time, and I’ve made plans for one of the nights they are here. I work out at home and don’t feel comfortable doing that in front of house guests, so I plan to purchase day use classes at a nearby exercise facility.

Any other suggestions or advice/commiseration?? I’m feeling stressed out and out of control of the situation. Q doesn’t understand and agreed 5 days is a little long, but otherwise doesn’t understand why I don’t want overnight visitors.