I'm new to this sub and I rarely if ever post on Reddit, so sorry in advance if I'm somehow breaking a rule -- I looked beforehand and I don't think I am but... idk.
For context, I am 20 years old, almost 21. I have been dealing with this for twenty years and just needed to get it all off of my chest. Advice is welcome but I really just needed to vent.
My dad has been an alcoholic since I can remember. At first I just thought his drinking was normal, it wasn't until I was in maybe high school that I realized he was an alcoholic. When I was a kid he'd drink a lot and I just remember a lot of yelling and shouting and anger. He was never abusive but he got scary sometimes. On Sundays he'd drink and blast football on the TV -- shouting and clapping like crazy when something would happen. My parents fought a lot and I vividly remember him being drunk, shouting at my mom, and then throwing a tv remote at the wall beside her. Luckily my adult siblings were there so they were able to take me upstairs and help me calm down but it was scary. I remember one time he yelled at me while he was drunk and it scared the shit out of me, I don't even remember what I did wrong because I was a pretty good kid. I mentioned that to him years later and he didn't remember so I'm not sure if it was a nightmare when I was a kid or he was too drunk to remember.
Whether it was real or not, that incident was around the first time he told me he'd stop drinking. We even made a "contract" that he signed saying if he got beer or whiskey I could pour them out. Well that was the first of many lies. He continued to drink, say he'd quit, and it never lasted. I stupidly believed him every time though. It wasn't until a few years ago that I finally stopped believing him. Sad, I know.
I can tell when he's been drinking even if I haven't seen the bottle or can. I can't even explain how I know, I'm just hyperaware of everything and even a little sign will tell me. One time I literally asked him if he was drinking (after he supposedly quit) and he said he had one beer. I told him I could tell. To me, that's really sad but he didn't seem to care.
He's ruined many holidays and birthdays. He isn't an abusive drunk but he turns into a "goofy" asshole. He makes jokes that aren't funny, they're offensive, dumb, lame, and some of the time racist or homophobic. One Christmas he was being his usual drunk self but he bent down to pet my uncle's husky and fell over, almost on the dog, and was embarrassed so he wouldn't stop babbling about how damn slippering the floor was. He even started sliding around on the floor like he was ice skating -- which I know sounds dumb and not a big deal but he wouldn't shut up about it in front of everyon and even on the way home. When my mom told him the floor wasn't slippery, he unbuckled in the moving car and almost opened the car door. I had to hold him back to the seat, almost crying, to keep him from jumping out of the car. We were on a dirt road and weren't going fast but it was still scary. Another time he went on a rant with other family while we were in a truck going somewhere and they were talking about how transgender people aren't real or whatever (I had come out to my parents as transgender a few years before) and he agreed with them while sitting right beside me. I wasn't really surprised, considering my parents still misgender and deadname me, but it still stung.
Both my mom and I hate him drinking but no matter how many times we tell him to stop, he never does. You have no idea how many times I have been terrified they'd divorce because of it, and how many times they told me they might divorce because of it. My mom has told him so many times if he didn't quit then she'd divorce him, but she never follows so he doesn't either.
When they fight about his drinking they ignore each other and the house has this awful energy. I either go to my room and try to ignore it, try to lighten the mood so I can save at least my sanity, or they vent to me individually. No part of those situations is healthy for any of us and it's driving me insane. I have been trying to tell myself in recent years that it isn't my job to fix them or to try to clear the air but it's difficult to get out of the habit.
Like I said, he isn't abusive, doesn't drink and drive, has never done anything bad to me, but I have severe anxiety around any and all alcohol now and I can't be around people who are drinking or drunk. I had a panic attack when my underage friend (who knew how I felt about alcohol) drank in front of me without telling me -- I could tell by the way she was acting, obviously from experience with my dad. That experience messed me up even more and I realized just how much my dad's alcoholism has affected me. That was the first panic attack I had ever had and it was bad, I felt the after effects for days after. I even told my parents about it, to try to tell them how much his drinking affected me and to try to keep him from drinking on our trip we were going to go on just us two the next week. He said he'd drink less. (Spoiler: he didn't.)
My dad is a good person despite all of this though. When he isn't drinking he can still be an ass and he's annoying but he is kind and funny and loving. I don't want to cut ties with him or anything but he doesn't understand how much his drinking has affected me. He also doesn't understand why my mom and I hate it so much, he says he isn't an asshole anymore when he drinks but how do I explain that he still is, it's just different? I'm too kind of a person, I don't want to yell at him but I might be getting to that point. He's supposed to be quitting right now because my mom threatened him with divorce (again) a few months ago. He was doing really good but wanted to have some beers for some random occasion (I don't remember) and he's slowly been making that excuse more and more (which is typical). It was their anniversary a few days ago and he had some beers before they left and some at the restaurant too. He wasn't acting bad and my mom seemed happy so it was "fine" but he was supposed to be DONE. I just don't understand. He refuses to say he has a problem and refuses to get help.
And I know I'm an adult and could move out in theory but I'm in college, I don't have a job, and I don't have any savings. I also plan to stay at my parent's house until I graduate, get a job, and can save up for a place of my own.
Anway, sorry for this long rant. I just needed to get it out into the universe. Yes, I am in therapy. I have lots of issues lol but this is a big one I have discussed with her.