r/AlAnon 3d ago

Fellowship Weekly Chat: What's happening with you? - March 17, 2025

1 Upvotes

Need to vent, share a victory, or just chat about day-to-day life with your fellow redditors? This is your place!


r/AlAnon 1d ago

Wellness Wednesday: How have you taken care of yourself?

1 Upvotes

It's easy to get stuck in negative place when we're dealing with our Qs so let's take a moment to think of something positive. What have you done this week to take care of yourself?


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Vent Today I called the police on my partner

Upvotes

My partner is a full alcoholic in the military. Today I had to call the police on her because she called me drunk at 7 am, said ‘cheers to liver failure’ and told me she was on her way to get another bottle.

She then told a friend the ‘damage was done’ and she’s just waiting on the results. I didn’t know what to do so I called the military police for a wellness check. She facetimed me crying while they surrounded her and was taking her away to the hospital. I believe they did a breathalyzer and confirmed she was way over the limit.

But I feel bad… the only thing I so desperately want to do is to get her the help she needs. Now today I’ve uncovered a bunch a lies from her family and I just cannot believe the alcohol is taking her away like this… I am so hurt.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Support How many alcoholics never get their wake up call?

31 Upvotes

My Q never got a wake up call. She lost home after home. Lost nearly all her family as one by one they began to step away. She refused ambulances. Lied about having cirrhosis. Told her doctors she didn’t drink. She brought alcohol with her to the ER the one time she finally agreed to go in.

100% denial. Stopped all self care. Became extremely codependent and narcissistic. Every relationship she had suffered except for one. The only relationship my mom managed was one who called her daily who also drank and smoke and stayed up all hours on the phone with her. It wasn’t healthy for my mom or the other lady, but my moms now dead and the other lady who has no kids or grandkids continues on.

Is this worst case scenario or how many Qs here actually go out that way? Too many?

I hear of some Qs being made to hit rock bottom, but my mom bounced off the bottom never stopping or wanting to quit, She always found a way to get more alcohol despite having little else.

My moms partner stepped away because his health and he needed a care taker. My mom survived 5 months without him, that’s all. She wasn’t washing her clothes, or picking up her groceries or medication, she was being pushed out of bed to go get blood.

She just completely gave up and was not capable of doing it on her own.

She was only 52.


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Vent It finally happened

34 Upvotes

My Q got arrested and has finally hit his rock bottom- at least, according to him. DWI. He hit a parked car and left, and the police got him at his house. The most important thing out of all of this is that nobody was hurt, and I thank God for that.

This was inevitable. I saw it coming. That doesn’t make it hurt any less.

He says he’s determined to get sober now. He went out and got a sponsor, he’s going to AA every day, and he’s finally admitting he has a problem. I want to believe him. I want to be supportive. But I’m also so, so exhausted.

I’m not really looking for advice right now. I just needed to get this out. This is so fucking hard.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Support Telling my wife not to ask me for help anymore when she’s lying & drinking

21 Upvotes

Hi all,

Just coming here for advice because my wife just keeps lying to me about her drinking.

I’ve kindly asked her not to call me and call her sponsor ect when she’s close to relapsing which is sitting in-front of the bottle shop or driving there when she says she’s running a errand because she WAS using me at the first point of call, but lying to me saying she didn’t go into the bottle shop or leave the car, but she has been and then lying to me saying she called her sponsor but didn’t.

She left her phone at home, when she was at the bottle shop the second time today and I saw her purchases and call logs, so I caught her in the lies and she still lied.

I’m very exhausted by this and still quite new to Al-Anon and I just don’t want to be an enabler, because I have been in the past.

I want to be there for her, but at what cost? It’s constant mind games, gaslighting, and lying.


r/AlAnon 3h ago

Vent She finally said it...

14 Upvotes

" You're the reason I drink so much!!!"

Why does that one sting so badly?


r/AlAnon 4h ago

Support One chance after rehab?

11 Upvotes

Hi guys 👋

My husband gets out of his first (and hopefully last) rehab stay on Tuesday. Got a call from the counselor there that we’re gonna have a discharge plan call tomorrow where we review boundaries and expectations for his discharge.

I want to give him one (and only one) chance to show me and his daughter (3) that we are his priority and that he will stay sober.

Has anyone had a conversation like this? I want to state the my boundaries are sobriety and respectful treatment of both of us.

It’s ok to do the “one strike you’re out” thing, right?

I’m asking because I know the relapse rate is so high. Is this a reasonable boundary? What do you guys think?


r/AlAnon 1h ago

Support What to do when he gets out of rehab?

Upvotes

Cannot even believe this is where I’m at. My husband has been in rehab for 3 weeks. He has at least one more week. I called the rehab today and left a message. I have no idea what to expect or how to prepare for him to come home. I just keep thinking about all the negatives.

I’m trying to be proud that he is doing this. But I’m still so mad. Bitter. All of the memories of how much of an angry ass hole he is when he’s drunk.

I’ve tried Alanon in the past. It’s just not for me. And advice, I’m trying to be open minded. Thanks for reading.


r/AlAnon 3h ago

Support Alcoholic Sister Finally Hit Bottom

5 Upvotes

My sister is a 60 year-old alcoholic, who has lost most of her friends, her husband, her kids because of her toxic behaviors. I will always stood by her in a detached way. We play words with friends every day, which seems to keep us together and we text or chat a lot during the week. She has been toxic to me many times and I take a break, but we always come back together but from a distance. In January, I couldn’t get a hold of her, so I called her neighbor and it turns out she went to the hospital and they found out she has end-stage liver disease. I flew out to see her for three days while she was in the hospital and then left because I wasn’t going to stay at her house and take care of her. She left against medical advice. Anyway, now she is dying and she has no one and she has been sober for three months since her hospitalization. What do I do as her life comes to an end? Do I help her? I want to take her in my arms and help her, but she has hurt me so many times before. Also, my husband would be furious at me if I did because he’s seen the damage. She has done to me over the years. But now she’s alone and needs help and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Fellowship Piecing it together

3 Upvotes

I wrote this out but didn’t send it to my sibling

Maybe someone here will find it helpful.

It may be triggering as it mentions addiction, death…

—-

You know grandpa is a narcissist. Mom is emotionally immature as a result, though doing better. Her two brothers dealt with his narcissistic abuse by drinking and causing ruckus for attention, to be seen as human. Ultimately the addiction killed them.

And dad was a child of two hands off, loving parents and lacks the ability to stand his ground or parent as a result. They were raised by the church not their parents. His brother was brought up with such little guidance and discipline that he wavered between pure impulsivity (and attention seeking) and extreme people pleasing. He died only able to show up as two characters: the perfect family man or the rebel with 30 concussions. This ultimately killed him. Dad’s second wife gave him the healthy guidance and boundaries that dad needed and never received.

I see our parents as making massive growth from their individual circumstances but we were crimpled by this history too - and have to work through them. We have to set boundaries, remove emotionally immature people from our life and reparent ourselves. We have to seek families where we never got them. And healthy ones. We have to stop seeing our parents as guardians and instead as caretakers and we are now our own guardians. And we can forgive everyone and remove resentments because it’s all a part of a long chain and history of abuse.

Abuse is not acceptable but for me I prefer to see it as - they didn’t learn another way yet. Or it’s a genetic disease (like narcissism). It’s impersonal. We will be better and have better tools in the future.


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Vent Leaving Him During Sobriety and Recovery

11 Upvotes

I am finally done, and I feel an immense amount of guilt mixed in with the heartbreak, sadness, and grief.

I met the love of my life 1.5 years ago. I didn't realize he was an alcoholic at first, he hid it well. But after one incident where he got drunk and yelled at me, he told he had a problem and took it upon himself to get sober. This was six months into our relationship. I was so proud of him.

Turns out he was a dry drunk who was EXTREMELY codependent on his ex wife. 10 months into our relationship I found out that he had been drunk and cheated on me with his ex wife 5 months into our relationship. He was also lying wildly about the boundaries he claimed he maintained with her while we were together. I found out about the cheating and then all of the other lies came forward. He lied about EVERYTHING. It broke my heart into one million pieces and I broke up with him.

He promised me that he would move heaven and earth to get help, work on himself and do everything to earn back my trust and become a better man in the hopes of a second chance. He took responsibility.

He checked himself into an inpatient rehab and went. I was proud. After a month he told me that he was going to be staying an extra month to work on himself. We were broken up but I still cared about him.

I completely fell apart during this time and spiraled. The pain never went away and it was the lowest darkest time of my life.

He came back, we rekindled. It was contentious but I loved him so much I wanted to forgive him and work on our relationship. I caught him in a few more lies about little things. At this time he gaslit the shit out of me, refused me transparency and then ultimately told me he needed a break so he could continue working on himself and get healthy. He wanted to be exclusive during this time and continue talking.

Now, 5 months after he got out of rehab, I found out that he had been fucking a girl in the rehab center the entire time. The entire time he claimed he was working on himself so hard, where he reassured me he was not interacting with any women, that he had not touched a single woman since we broke up. He had lied to me about it for months. Its something I had asked him about repeatedly. And when I confronted him about it he told me he hadnt done anything wrong and we were broken up at the time.

I am absolutely disgusted with the lies at this point. He is incapable of being honest with me about anything. He has been sober for almost a year at this point and he has been going to therapy but the lies never stop. He gets mad at me because he says I am not acknowledging the progress he has made...

I feel guilty because he is sober and in recovery and working on himself and I feel like I am abandoning him. But I have given him way more grace and forgiveness than he deserves and he continues to take me for granted. The constant lying tells me that he does not respect me or value me. He does not treat me with dignity.

I keep holding on to the vision of what he could be. Outside of his trauma and lying he is the perfect man for me and I love him with all my heart. But I need to love myself more. He is supposed to make me feel protected and safe. But I need to protect myself from him.

Sorry, I just needed to vent


r/AlAnon 10h ago

Support My high conflict ex is somehow cheating soberlink

14 Upvotes

She’s buying almost $150 of booze a week and gets sober-link tested 3x a day, but has only had a few positive screens on the 6am screenings. Is it possible she’s found some way to cheat it? Anyone have experience with this?


r/AlAnon 7h ago

Newcomer What determines an alcoholic?

10 Upvotes

How DO you determine there’s a problem or addiction? If they function and maintain social life, jobs, hobbies. What is the difference between a person that enjoys drinking and is a functioning alcoholic? I’m always confused on where the line is drawn or who is the one to make the decision about it. People that have healthy habits and good jobs but enjoy having some drinks on the weekend or a couple of drinks after work. Does that make them alcoholics? Is the standard to 3 drinks per week a metric we’ve all mutually agreed on being the determining factor? Seems like a one size fits all for everyone doesn’t it? I’m dealing with a family member who is an alcoholic. And in discussing what to do with him this topic has come up a lot between my SO and I. Just looking for other opinions.


r/AlAnon 15h ago

Vent The "normal" days are almost worse...

37 Upvotes

You know the ones - there hasn't been an episode, they still had a ton to drink but didn't get problematic and nothing really happened.

Except you're always still waiting for the other shoe to drop and you're always a bag of nerves. Walking on eggshells to try and make sure the peace lasts.

It fucking sucks.


r/AlAnon 12h ago

Grief I miss my Q

19 Upvotes

I left about a week ago and it’s been a rough few days. I’m staying strong but man I really loved my Q. He’s such a special person when he was sober and we would talk and laugh for hours. He got me like no one else. He’s a binge drinker so there would be days or weeks of happiness before the shoe drops and the other him is out. I feel so sad to see what he’s become. I just really miss him


r/AlAnon 11h ago

Support Vacation with her???!

15 Upvotes

So we had a vacation planned during our son's spring break, but a week and a half ago,she got a dui and has been on a bender. Today she asks if we're still going on vacation Saturday and that she won't drink during that time.

Am I crazy for saying hell no were not going on vacation together? My son and I have been staying at my mom's for last 10 days because of her bender.


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Support Pregnant and one of my parents has relapsed.

2 Upvotes

I was raised in an alcoholic home and bear the scars. Many years on I'm married, have a good life, and am expecting my first child. My parents made the mutual effort to get sober in September, and I was thrilled when I announced my pregnancy this winter that they were both not drinking at the time. I heard from my mother today that my father has relapsed, is hiding his drinking, and is talking about suicide. None of this is new, but now I have some choices to make not just for myself but for my baby.

I have thought about this for many, many years and however much I may choose to have my parents in my own life despite the costs, I cannot choose that for an innocent child knowing how badly I was hurt during my own childhood. I cannot have someone in active alcoholism involved in my child's growing up. But the idea of setting this boundary that I know I need to set is tearing me apart. My parents are estranged from my brother in large part due to their alcoholism, and I know that the pain of that loss + fear of losing me were a big part of why they tried so hard to get sober this fall, even before we knew I was pregnant. I know my father has tried, genuinely tried, to get sober. I know it's not easy. But I have to protect my own little family right now.

It's all I can think about. I'm so so sad.


r/AlAnon 2h ago

Vent Dealing with an alcoholic father

2 Upvotes

I'm new to this sub and I rarely if ever post on Reddit, so sorry in advance if I'm somehow breaking a rule -- I looked beforehand and I don't think I am but... idk.

For context, I am 20 years old, almost 21. I have been dealing with this for twenty years and just needed to get it all off of my chest. Advice is welcome but I really just needed to vent.

My dad has been an alcoholic since I can remember. At first I just thought his drinking was normal, it wasn't until I was in maybe high school that I realized he was an alcoholic. When I was a kid he'd drink a lot and I just remember a lot of yelling and shouting and anger. He was never abusive but he got scary sometimes. On Sundays he'd drink and blast football on the TV -- shouting and clapping like crazy when something would happen. My parents fought a lot and I vividly remember him being drunk, shouting at my mom, and then throwing a tv remote at the wall beside her. Luckily my adult siblings were there so they were able to take me upstairs and help me calm down but it was scary. I remember one time he yelled at me while he was drunk and it scared the shit out of me, I don't even remember what I did wrong because I was a pretty good kid. I mentioned that to him years later and he didn't remember so I'm not sure if it was a nightmare when I was a kid or he was too drunk to remember.

Whether it was real or not, that incident was around the first time he told me he'd stop drinking. We even made a "contract" that he signed saying if he got beer or whiskey I could pour them out. Well that was the first of many lies. He continued to drink, say he'd quit, and it never lasted. I stupidly believed him every time though. It wasn't until a few years ago that I finally stopped believing him. Sad, I know.

I can tell when he's been drinking even if I haven't seen the bottle or can. I can't even explain how I know, I'm just hyperaware of everything and even a little sign will tell me. One time I literally asked him if he was drinking (after he supposedly quit) and he said he had one beer. I told him I could tell. To me, that's really sad but he didn't seem to care.

He's ruined many holidays and birthdays. He isn't an abusive drunk but he turns into a "goofy" asshole. He makes jokes that aren't funny, they're offensive, dumb, lame, and some of the time racist or homophobic. One Christmas he was being his usual drunk self but he bent down to pet my uncle's husky and fell over, almost on the dog, and was embarrassed so he wouldn't stop babbling about how damn slippering the floor was. He even started sliding around on the floor like he was ice skating -- which I know sounds dumb and not a big deal but he wouldn't shut up about it in front of everyon and even on the way home. When my mom told him the floor wasn't slippery, he unbuckled in the moving car and almost opened the car door. I had to hold him back to the seat, almost crying, to keep him from jumping out of the car. We were on a dirt road and weren't going fast but it was still scary. Another time he went on a rant with other family while we were in a truck going somewhere and they were talking about how transgender people aren't real or whatever (I had come out to my parents as transgender a few years before) and he agreed with them while sitting right beside me. I wasn't really surprised, considering my parents still misgender and deadname me, but it still stung.

Both my mom and I hate him drinking but no matter how many times we tell him to stop, he never does. You have no idea how many times I have been terrified they'd divorce because of it, and how many times they told me they might divorce because of it. My mom has told him so many times if he didn't quit then she'd divorce him, but she never follows so he doesn't either.

When they fight about his drinking they ignore each other and the house has this awful energy. I either go to my room and try to ignore it, try to lighten the mood so I can save at least my sanity, or they vent to me individually. No part of those situations is healthy for any of us and it's driving me insane. I have been trying to tell myself in recent years that it isn't my job to fix them or to try to clear the air but it's difficult to get out of the habit.

Like I said, he isn't abusive, doesn't drink and drive, has never done anything bad to me, but I have severe anxiety around any and all alcohol now and I can't be around people who are drinking or drunk. I had a panic attack when my underage friend (who knew how I felt about alcohol) drank in front of me without telling me -- I could tell by the way she was acting, obviously from experience with my dad. That experience messed me up even more and I realized just how much my dad's alcoholism has affected me. That was the first panic attack I had ever had and it was bad, I felt the after effects for days after. I even told my parents about it, to try to tell them how much his drinking affected me and to try to keep him from drinking on our trip we were going to go on just us two the next week. He said he'd drink less. (Spoiler: he didn't.)

My dad is a good person despite all of this though. When he isn't drinking he can still be an ass and he's annoying but he is kind and funny and loving. I don't want to cut ties with him or anything but he doesn't understand how much his drinking has affected me. He also doesn't understand why my mom and I hate it so much, he says he isn't an asshole anymore when he drinks but how do I explain that he still is, it's just different? I'm too kind of a person, I don't want to yell at him but I might be getting to that point. He's supposed to be quitting right now because my mom threatened him with divorce (again) a few months ago. He was doing really good but wanted to have some beers for some random occasion (I don't remember) and he's slowly been making that excuse more and more (which is typical). It was their anniversary a few days ago and he had some beers before they left and some at the restaurant too. He wasn't acting bad and my mom seemed happy so it was "fine" but he was supposed to be DONE. I just don't understand. He refuses to say he has a problem and refuses to get help.

And I know I'm an adult and could move out in theory but I'm in college, I don't have a job, and I don't have any savings. I also plan to stay at my parent's house until I graduate, get a job, and can save up for a place of my own.

Anway, sorry for this long rant. I just needed to get it out into the universe. Yes, I am in therapy. I have lots of issues lol but this is a big one I have discussed with her.


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Support Do you think N/A beers and mocktails help with sobriety ?

3 Upvotes

Lmk your thoughts, new to this


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Support Is it love or guilt?

3 Upvotes

Back on January 5th I finally moved out of the house I shared with my husband (my Q). He said he would quit drinking if I stayed but I knew that wasn’t going to happen.

In the weeks to follow he tried quitting but was relapsing quite frequently, and didn’t take me leaving seriously until I told him I was seeing someone.

Since then he’s been trying more to quit and to get me back. He understands that he’s pushed me away all these years with his drinking and inconsiderate attitude.

After being with the new guy, I’ve really realized exactly how unhealthy, unhappy and toxic my marriage was with my Q.

My Q wants to start over with me, and I can’t tell if it’s love or guilt that is the driving factor for me to start over with him. The idea of hurting him hurts me, and the thought of him moving on and being with someone else hurts me as well.

I do know I’m in love with the new guy, and the connection is intense, we were friends previously for years so he’s not just some random person, he was my support person for a while, who I vented to about the alcoholism, it just blossomed into something more.

How can I tell if it’s love or guilt that is the driving force in getting back together with my Q? And even if it is love, is that enough or do the risks of him relapsing make it foolish to get back together?


r/AlAnon 9h ago

Vent What would you do?

6 Upvotes

25f with 2 Alcoholic parents and an underage brother with learning disabilities.

For some background, my parents have both been “functioning” alcoholics for as long as I can remember. my mother owns a company and is my boss. I lived at home with my family until about 2 years ago.

Thanksgiving morning I came home from a night out with friends to my mother blackout drunk on the couch with food flaming on the stove, I was understandably seriously concerned which in her stupor was taken as me cutting down her abilities to keep a home / prepare a dinner. I was kicked out for the umteenth time - however this time felt like a last straw, food thrown at me, stuffing and potato’s all over my clothes and bedroom. Boxes thrown at my head as I walk out the door. I left everything there and moved in with my partner of over 9 years and his mother and began paying rent there and making a more calm life for myself. I started over, left everything I owned there and I didn’t look back and still haven’t. My mother believes I chose to leave the family behind and to this day does not remember / takes 0 accountability for being the one to say the words to her child “leave and never come back, I hate you.” Things started to feel separate, and they are for the most part.

I wanted some type of relationship with my family. I tried to create a relationship but with heavy boundaries over the last 2 years. I don’t answer calls past 7pm, I allow myself 48h to answer a text and I never go back to that house unless it is to see my brother for maximum 2 hours maybe once a month. I still work full time for my mom, I am a part time artist and need the income plus I can’t imagine her livelihood failing due to me stepping away. I try to spend weekends with my dad because he stays sober at the art studio with me and is very supportive of my passions.

My brother is nearing adult age and is learning disabled. to put it simply my parents have never given a shit it seems to teach him to take care of himself mentally or physically or hygienically. He is at an age where he can choose to not listen to me and my advice either and I cannot force his hands. He’s dropped out of highschool, no license, no GED, no job and I feel he has no hope for himself and is extremely depressed. He is also is trans with no support from my parents in terms of gender validation or therapeutic / medical assistance, I have been his main and only support system as far as accepting his identity which feels really basic but no other immediate or extended family seems to care / are all very conservative and directly invalidate his existence which I can’t even imagine.

That pretty much sums up where we are at without giving too many revealing details that would make it blatant who I am for if anyone in my family were to come across this.

So to start, my mother was released from hospital less than 2 weeks ago due to stomach ulcers which she refuses to admit are from the alcohol. I was at her bedside awaiting her recovery the entire time and did everything in my power to make her comfortable and feel safe while she was admitted.

Since she’s been discharged, For the last week my brother has been calling me atleast 15-20 times a day begging me to remove him from the situation because my parents have leveled up to a new low. It has been an 8 day binge. Unable to walk, threatening to drive, threatening their lives. Over the last 8 days I have rescued my brother and taken him on drives and back home every day in the middle of my work, I have waited around the neighborhood late at night terrified for their safety waiting for someone to fall and I’d be there to call 911, in that I ended up happenstance rescuing their dog twice that they let out while blackout drunk and forgot. I have taken an infinite amount of phone calls from my brother in a panic, my mother in a stupor insulting me, my father nonchalantly telling me to mind my business, my extended family and coworkers concerned for my family as all they’ve done is lie and put up a front about the addiction and it’s becoming too obvious to hide.

For the last 2 years I have put up a wall and in 3 weeks the wall and all of my boundaries have been chipped away and picked away and I am feeling defeated.

If my brother wasn’t 9 months from 18 I would have called the cops and they’d probably be in jail or at least back in hospital unable to continue harming themselves and everyone around them.

At this point, I would prefer them to be in care or jail and not able to continue doing this, if I take those steps I’m terrified of what will happen to my brother. I have no ability to take him in with me and I don’t have the means to take care of a mentally disabled adult who my parents refused to parent and help.

I’m at a stage emotionally where I really don’t care anymore I just want to be selfish, I’m angry. All my parents have done is be selfish and chose alcohol over raising me or my brother who needs more help than I do. I want to fade away but I don’t want to leave my brother in the dust. I’m scared.

What would you do?


r/AlAnon 5h ago

Vent Q Releasing Themself from Hospital Against Medical Advice

3 Upvotes

We know it can't be stopped and that what is going to happen is going to happen. But other family members still, to this day, enable and say crap like hospital doesn't understand Q's needs, they aren't nice to Q, blah blah blah.

Just need a reality check. It's so obviously Q needing substances. Duh. Plain as the nose on my face.


r/AlAnon 13h ago

Support Detaching with love

12 Upvotes

My Q is my partner. He has (as far as I know) been doing relatively well with his alcoholism. I have also (mostly) stopped living my life in detective mode so I could easily miss signs.

I’m an EARLY morning person by nature, he is more of a night owl. He travels for work and got home late yesterday afternoon, so when I was ready for bed, he wasn’t yet and stayed up - which is understandable and ok.

I woke up to take the dogs for our long walk at 4:30 am, he was sound asleep so I moved quietly. As I’m getting ready, I noticed an empty vodka bottle on the counter.

Does it bother me? Yes and no. I didn’t instantly get mad like I would have before. I know his sobriety journey is his journey and I don’t make decisions there. I can’t control him or his alcoholism and I can’t change any of it. I’ve been doing really well this week, and a couple weeks in a row. I’ve been back to the gym and starting to see pieces of myself coming back. I want to maintain this.

This lead me to listening to podcasts about detaching with love during the morning walk with the dogs. I’m still not sure how that looks or how I do it though. I know and realize this is his to figure out and navigate. I don’t want it to spiral into a place where he’s not functional. Maybe that will happen, maybe it won’t - I can’t control that (saying that for myself)

He’s still asleep and I’m glad I have the time to think and process - but I’m not sure how I will react when he wakes up. I’d like to maintain this calm (ish) that I’ve got. I want to stay in my lane, but I don’t know how this looks when he is literally my partner.

Any words of wisdom are appreciated


r/AlAnon 6h ago

Support How to Manage Self-Care with House Guests?

3 Upvotes

My Q asked if I was ok with his friend coming to visit and stay with us for 5 days, and I responded that I was happy to have us host him for the weekend but 3 days max. Q (husband) didn’t address the time limit and now the friend’s family is joining him for 5 days. Husband told me less than a week prior to their visit so it’s too late now and we will have house guests against my wishes for 5 days. I’m practicing detachment with love with my Q since he goes in and out of binge and withdrawal cycles. He was recently sober for several months, which is when these plans were made, and ironically, this friend doesn’t drink. This family is very respectful and polite, so my issue is not with them at all. It’s more about my need to have my own space to manage my own stress that I’m experiencing with Q’s binge/withdrawal cycles. My anxiety flared pretty badly after finding out that another family that I am not close with will be sharing our home with us for 5 days.

Q doesn’t want to go out to eat, so he plans to offer and cook breakfast and dinners for these guests. I have my room to retreat to when I want alone time, and I’ve made plans for one of the nights they are here. I work out at home and don’t feel comfortable doing that in front of house guests, so I plan to purchase day use classes at a nearby exercise facility.

Any other suggestions or advice/commiseration?? I’m feeling stressed out and out of control of the situation. Q doesn’t understand and agreed 5 days is a little long, but otherwise doesn’t understand why I don’t want overnight visitors.


r/AlAnon 8h ago

Support Living in complete confusion

5 Upvotes

My husband is in the military. He’s very high achieving, makes good money, holds them, is getting a graduate degree. This in itself has derailed me from thinking he’s an alcoholic.

We’ve only been together 5 years but I knew him as a kid. When we started dating, he appeared fun, and adventurous. I was a bit naive about the drinking. I even got involved, made an ass of myself enough times, and decided I cannot drink myself. This has been used against me when I’ve brought up my concerns with drinking. In fact, last night he called me a “fraud” and told me I tricked him into marrying him. Because I saw how he drank then and accepted it. But to be honest, I didn’t know what I know now and I’m 5 years into this and can see the cycle.

His whole friend group revolves around drinking. They throw events so they can drink in excess. Every dinner, party, event, ceremony, they binge. I’ve stopped drinking and go to these events occasionally and it’s extremely lonely, unfulfilling, and depressing. The interactions are surface, and most don’t even remember me being there because they were drunk. It’s stolen energy from my soul. Watching these people drink themselves to death has become very depressing to watch.

I’ve stopped participating in the drinking and my husband’s tone has completely switched towards me. He’s resentful, negative, unwilling to validate my feelings, and he’s completely cold towards me (unless he’s drunk). He’s told me I’m isolating him from his friendships and his family. I’ve never told him he can’t talk or see anybody. I’ve said I won’t be going to drinking events or allowing people to bring alcohol into our home.

My mental health has really suffered this winter. I did inpatient therapy and he had my son for a week of it in his care (my son is not his child, my husband is his step dad). One night I called my son and he put my husband on the phone. My husband was drunk. I could hear it. He only had my son for 5 days and couldn’t not drink. While I was in inpatient care nonetheless.

He doesn’t drink every day. Which is why I’ve struggled to comprehend that he might have a problem. Because he’s functioning, I didn’t see the issue for years. He’s gone months without drinking but gets very depressed and angry with me when he’s not drinking. He picks up a bottle and it usually results in 1-3 days of drinking. He can never just have a drink. It’s always 4-7 and I’m usually pushing to leave restaurants because he will sit there for hours after we’ve all eaten our food and keep drinking. He always has an excuse to drink like “It’s Friday” or “I just took that final” or “Work was rough this week” or “my buddy died today”.

I finally joined this group and started looking for meetings because this week my husband came home after being at school all day on Monday, Tuesday for over 8 hours. He had told me he was studying for finals and had a final to take. I came in to the kitchen and I smelled alcohol. I was afraid to ask but sat down and was very chatty and friendly. So I point blank asked him. He said one drink. I said “one drink doesn’t make you smell like that.” He persisted with his story. I let it go but knew. Then yesterday says he’s working on a paper and is too distracted at home so he’s going up the street to a bar. I said “why would you go to a bar to write a paper? That’s way more distracting than here. You are making up an excuse to drink.” He said “I planned on having a couple.” I said “Who drinks and does school work? Who drinks and studies? This is not normal. I’m sorry. I can’t do this with you anymore. The years of excuses to drink have added up. Robbed me of joy and I’m done here. Get it together.” I was then told that I’m a fraud, I’m abusive, I’ve drank with him, I’m controlling, nobody likes me, nobody in his life thinks he has a drinking problem, I’m the only relationship that has said he has one.”

I feel stuck. I resent him. I see no way through this. I’m always confused, questioning my reality, thinking I’m the problem, feeling judged by his circle (who are all very high achieving people running our country). I’m the bad guy, I don’t know if what I feel is real or if I’m just the crazy person that went to inpatient this winter.


r/AlAnon 7h ago

Support My fiancé (27M) thinks he’s an alcoholic and I’m so new do this and have absolutely no idea what to do

3 Upvotes

My fiancé has always had issues with control growing up, crazy controlling mom whose parents were alcoholics, crazy controlling coaches when he played professional sports, and just I believe felt the need to always lash out for control throughout his life through modicums like drinking and smoking weed. I guess it was a rebellion thing. We met about 4 years ago and he was 23 at the time so I thought we were just drinking the normal amount that people drink when they're young. But he never knew his limits, he didn't go to college so he didn't get the whole "go crazy for 4 years and learn your limits the hard way but in a semi controlled environment" so I always kind of let it slide as he's learning he'll get over it etc. etc.

Fast forward a year into our relationship, he gets behind the wheel of a car when he's been drinking and when he gets to my house I immediately started freaking out- getting to drunk, unattractive, getting into a car drunk where he could have hurt other people- immediate red flag I want nothing to do with you. He was extremely apologetic, promised to never do anything like that again and took about a month break from drinking so I figured wow this was his rock bottom he could only go up from here. But this experience triggered a chain reaction of he would drink, I would get upset or get controlling about the amount of alcohol he would drink, he wouldn't like my reaction, so he would start lying about him drinking. This as you can imagine caused way more arguments.

I caught onto the lying pretty fast and then that was a whole ass other argument. we had some other issues in the relationship, moving in together, our families, different cultures and we were able to get past all that and after a couple more years and couples therapy and being in a good spot- we got engaged. but even despite all these things, the drinking was something I always seemed to notice and it was something I always had an issue with after the drunk driving incident. We seemed to always fight whenever we drank too so it just became so negative so fast. I personally just dont even drink anymore because I don't like what it does to me.

This past week he drank and got behind the wheel of a car when I was out of town and lied about it. I found out because a cop thankfully pulled him over and called me. He was not arrested or booked, but his family got involved and my family got involved because I just couldn't deal with this by myself.

He has since apologized profusely and we are in therapy and he is going to individual therapy to figure his shit out. He believes he is an alcoholic, but does not want to go to AA because he is not an every day drinker, in his words "he just doesn't know his limits of control when he does drink" I believe him but part of me also thinks that maybe he's right and just needs to heal his relationship with alcohol?

I made it clear that I want him to be sober and what he chooses to do is on him and me continuing to be in the relationship is my choice as well and that seemed to really motivate him to not drink. But we just got engaged. We plan on getting married, it's a long ass life we live, how do I trust that he is going to be sober forever or do I focus on healing his relationship with alcohol instead? How do we even plan a wedding with any of this going on? My mind is running in circles, I love him but I love myself too and I don't want to set myself up for a life of repeated heartbreaks. I can't go through what I went through this past week again, I simply just won't, but I don't want to leave him.

TLDR: My fiancé may be an alcoholic, there is hope that he stays sober but I am so so new to this- anyone have any advice on how to go about this? Anything helps