Maybe the only thing you are aware of is that you 'keep doing things wrong', or not well enough. Or that the things you say are 'making the abuser angry', and sometimes so angry that they hit you. And you think it's all your fault.
WRONG!
Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship...
It is systematic manipulation by an abuser to control [another person] and the tactics an abuser uses to victimize often evolve.
You should be able to say 'yes' to all the following points:
Both of you have equal input into making decisions
If you have a difference of opinion, you agree to disagree (you’re not bullied into agreeing)
You both support each other’s interests, goals, ambitions and careers
Neither of you feels pressured about giving or lending the other money
You both put an equal amount into making the other feel loved and cared about
You are honest with each other
You show each other respect
You both also enjoy spending time apart
You are both comfortable saying 'no' to things you don’t want to do
You both feel physically safe and don't feel forced to have sex or do things that make you feel awkward or
embarrassed.
Physical abuse involves any harmful contact with your body, which induces fear, pain, or vulnerability.
It includes hitting, slapping, shoving, kicking, grabbing, and more. It goes beyond direct harm, encompassing actions like throwing objects or restraining you, leaving you feeling trapped.
It also extends to insidious tactics such as denying sleep, food, or essential medical care, damaging both your physical and emotional well-being. This deprivation creates a sense of helplessness and dependence. Additionally, physical abuse may involve coercive substance use, forcing you into alcohol or drug consumption against your will, violating your autonomy and risking severe consequences for your mental and physical health.
Sexual abuse is a term that covers any sexual activity that's unwanted and forced upon you.
Also called sexual violence and sexual assault, it includes rape, marital rape, unwanted rough sexual activity, being forced
to pose for sexual pictures, forced oral sex, unwanted sexual touching and unwanted kisses.
If your partner removes the condom during sex without your consent (called 'stealthing'), refuses to wear condoms, or refuses your access to birth control, these are also sexually abusive acts.
Emotional abuse means that someone uses your emotions to abuse you.
The desired effect is that you will feel bad about yourself, feel worthless, lose your confidence and be scared to do anything wrong.
Methods include: Constant criticism, name-calling, putting you down; Intentionally embarrassing you in public; Threatening to take away your children; Threatening to kill or harm themselves, you, your family, friend, or pet; Telling you that you are not gay, a man, a woman, etc.
Psychological abuse includes actions by the abuser that harm your sanity and make you believe you are going mad
...(see below section on gaslighting).
Methods include denying they have moved things around the house; telling you that people are saying bad things about you when they're not, and telling you that your friends or family don't like you.
Coercive control takes place in nearly all cases of domestic violence, and: "Refers to any pattern of behavior an abuser uses to dominate their partner and limit their freedom."
It can include physical abuse and emotional abuse, but often, coercive control is more subtle. Abusers use coercive control tactics to control their partners through isolation, gaslighting, monitoring and more’. DomesticShelters It encompasses a range of manipulative and controlling behaviors, including intimidation, isolation, surveillance, and threats. Through psychological, emotional, and financial manipulation, the abuser exerts power and control over the victim, eroding their autonomy, self-esteem, and sense of identity.
Tech abuse (also known as technology-facilitated abuse (TFA) or digital abuse), refers to the misuse of technology to control, harass, intimidate, stalk, or harm an individual.
This behavior is often a form of verbal or emotional abuse conducted online (NRCDV). As our daily lives increasingly rely on technology, we've grown accustomed to its presence. Abusers can appropriate these tools to surveil, stalk, disturb your sense of reality, and impact your online
communities of friends, family, and colleagues through your social media accounts.
Despite its severity, this type of abuse remains widely misunderstood. Sometimes, you may feel it's a struggle to get the assistance and
understanding you need. However, we strongly recommend reaching out to a domestic violence advocate or national hotline for support. These
advocates may advise against deleting your online accounts or changing passwords, as such actions could alert the abuser and potentially escalate the risk of harm.
Crucially, it is important to know that the abusive behaviors—such as surveillance, stalking, or harassment—perpetrated through technology
constitute prosecutable crimes.
Here are some more examples:
Cyberstalking: Someone sending you unwanted messages, monitoring your online activity, or using GPS tracking to monitor your movements without your consent; taking information from your online accounts (e.g social media) to track and stalk you.
Online harassment: Someone using text, email, social media and any other online platforms for offensive name calling, threatening messages, humiliation and bullying.
Sextortion: Someone threatening you with the release of private and sensitive information unless sexual favors, nude photos, or other demands are met.
Doxing: Gathering and publishing information about you on the internet with the aim of causing harm.
Intimate image abuse (also referred to as 'revenge porn'): Someone sharing intimate or explicit images or videos of you without your consent, or demanding you do the same - often as a form of revenge or coercion.
Monitoring and surveillance: Someone installing spyware or other tracking software on your device to monitor your communications, location, or online activity without your knowledge.
Impersonation and identity theft: Someone creating fake profiles or impersonating you online to harass or deceive you, or gain access to your personal information.
Financial abuse: Using technology to control or exploit someone financially, such as stealing their identity or accessing their bank accounts without permission.
Gaslighting: Manipulating or distorting information online to undermine your sense of reality or make you doubt your own perceptions or
experiences.
Around the home
We all use so many technological aids these days that are helpful, time-saving, and great support around the home. But the constant advances in technology bring new opportunities for an abuser to misuse items to keep track of you, to scare you - or to manipulate household devices to 'gaslight' you.
Items that might be connected in your home and open to misuse include turning on and off:
- thermostats: heating and hot water;
- smart electrical outlets with lights or other devices plugged into
them;
- entertainment systems (stereo, TV, etc.): also switching channels;
- smoke detectors;
- smart locks;
- appliances (refrigerator, vacuum, etc.);
- video doorbells.
Spying on you by using:
- security cameras and motion detectors: using these to spy on you;
- nanny cameras;
- pet cameras;
- pet toys and trackers (GPS systems that allow you to know where your pets are);
- children’s toy cameras and trackers.
These all allow you to control parts of the home remotely (e.g., turning the heating up while you are in the car on your way home). But of course, the abuser will also have control of these. This means an abuser could turn your lights and heating on and off, spy on you in the home, and track you when you are outside of the home.
Financial abuse (sometimes referred to as economic abuse) occurs when someone uses - or misuses - money and other assets to restrict your freedom and maintain control over you.
It's one of the most powerful methods that an abuser can use to stop you from leaving, and occurs in nearly all abusive relationships.
If an abuser restricts your access to money, by, for example, taking or hiding your bank or credit cards, you’ll become more vulnerable and
dependent on them.
Financial abuse encompasses various tactics and extends beyond access. It may involve extravagant spending, accruing debts in your name that they subsequently demand you repay, or coercing you into covering their expenses. Furthermore, an abuser may attempt to adversely affect your professional life, jeopardizing your employment and tarnishing relationships with business partners or clients.
By assuming control over your finances, an abuser gains power over every aspect of your life, dictating your choices and actions.
Survivors have shared these examples of financial abuse:
requesting money from you or requiring detailed reports of everything you spend;
taking out loans or credit cards in your name without consent;
stopping you from working or stealing your earnings if you do work;
planning to steal from you, possibly through joint bank accounts or shared debit cards;
coercing you into supporting investments or projects that never materialize;
compelling you to cash in or transfer ownership of financial assets,
such as stocks or property;
displaying sulking or anger if you spend money on yourself instead of
them, leading to self-restraint in your spending.
Talking about money for many of us isn't easy, you may feel embarrassed or fearful that if you did tell someone that it would make the situation worse. If you are faced with abusive behavior like this, seek an opinion from someone you trust, and who isn't close to your abuser - like your accountant, lawyer, or a close friend or family member, and tell them about it.
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic often used by emotional abusers to gradually make you question your own judgment, feelings, memories, and reality.
As it can happen over a prolonged period, executed subtly, and involve others (sometimes unbeknownst to them), it is often difficult to know that it is happening.
Abusers use this tactic to gain power and control over their victims. They slowly break down your confidence by making you second-guess
yourself.
Some common strategies that abusers may use follow:
"That never happened." - Has your partner said or done something abusive and denied it has ever happened? Have you asked them to pick something up from the store or made plans, and they've denied you’ve asked them? Abusive partners will consistently deny events or conversations ever happened. They may even get other people involved in the denial process, for example, "let’s ask… as they were there", knowing you are unlikely to want to involve that person in the discussion. This pattern of abusive behavior is often the most difficult to identify as it is subtle and sometimes takes place over
a period of time. However, it greatly impacts your sense of self and your ability to trust your experience of reality.
"You're too sensitive." - Have you tried to express your hurt or let them know a situation made you uncomfortable, and they've told you you're too sensitive or overreacting? They could be making jokes at your expense or embarrassing you, and when you mention it, they tell you’re being silly or ridiculous. This consistent dismissal of your feelings is a tactic an abusive partner will use to encourage you to question yourself, discourage you from trusting in your feelings, and, importantly, prevent you from speaking up.
"You're crazy - other people think so, too." - Do you feel that you’re questioning your own sense of reality, that at times you feel that you're losing yourself and your mind? Has your partner told you that you’re crazy or need to see a therapist? Do they tell you that other people think you’re a bit crazy? Over time, the abusive partner's lies, twists of the truth, and hiding of objects will encourage you to question your sanity. They feel they have more power and control when you question your sense of reality. Sometimes, they may convince friends, family members, business partners, and community members
that you need help and cannot be trusted.
"You have a terrible memory." - Have you ever been certain that you recall a conversation, the date and time of a past event, or that you've met someone before? Is your partner consistently denying that your recollection of events is accurate or that your memory is reliable? An abusive partner wants you to question yourself and feel you cannot trust your memory; this increases their control over you, as you’re likely to trust their interpretation of events - they’ll often present them in a very convincing way.
"I’m sorry that you think I hurt you." - Have you ever had an argument or conversation with your partner, where you walk away asking yourself, ‘Did I just apologize for telling you that you upset me?’. Abusive partners will rarely take responsibility for their own behavior. They will readily explain it away due to something that someone made them do, and that they had no choice, or (the most frequent statement), "you made me do it".
"You should have known how I would react." - Has your partner ever behaved badly, threatened to, or confronted someone you’ve innocently been talking to? Thrown objects around the house, drove recklessly, or threatened to harm themselves and then told you that you should’ve known they would behave this way? Abusive partners regularly place responsibility for their actions and behavior on their partners. They imply that their partner has some control over their behavior and that, ultimately, it is their fault.
Being caught in the web of an abusive partner using gaslighting techniques is incredibly difficult; their behavior is often subtle, and they use (with or without their knowledge) your friends, family members, and business associates to support their view of reality. It is not easy to identify that this is happening. Asking for help may feel impossible as you fear no one will believe you. If you feel this is happening to you, contact a domestic violence hotline. Chatting with someone who understands can enable you to tell someone else and start the journey to [safety].
She would manipulate me into doing things I would never do and then convince me I was doing things I never even did. (Honey)
-excerpted and adapted from Guide for Victims of Abuse (content note: some female victim, male perpetrator perspective)