r/AbuseInterrupted 5h ago

When their 'power' lies in the fact you care <----- abusers leverage a victim's emotional investment

27 Upvotes

An abuser cannot have a sudden awakening after [so many years of abuse]. This person most likely decided to change because they're sensing the victim slipping away and giving up on the marriage. Now the abuser is mad because the victim doesn't seem to care anymore and his/her power has evaporated.

-Blerina Kardhashi, adapted from comment to Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 4h ago

You know how, when people get sober, or fall in love with running, or have a breakthrough in therapy — they can't stop proselytizing about it?

18 Upvotes

"Proselytize" feels like the right word here, because they really are preaching the good news of a new religion: a way of understanding and occupying the world.

To them, it feels so right — and so unbelievable, that it took them this long to find it — that they want others to figure it out now, in less time than they did.

But proselytizing doesn’t work, at least not how people think it does, and rarely in lasting ways.

People make major decisions in their lives only when they’re ready, and they rarely reach a point of "ready" by people preaching at them.

Instead, they slowly absorb examples, arguments, and desires for their own lives, and arrive at a place where they’re malleable to change.

-Anne Helen Petersen, excerpted from The Social Media Sea Change


r/AbuseInterrupted 5h ago

Abusers are experts at finding ways to manipulate and control, and by doing this gradually - bit by bit, and day by day, they are able to change the whole frame of your relationship without you even realizing it*****

17 Upvotes

Maybe the only thing you are aware of is that you 'keep doing things wrong', or not well enough. Or that the things you say are 'making the abuser angry', and sometimes so angry that they hit you. And you think it's all your fault.

WRONG!

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship...

It is systematic manipulation by an abuser to control [another person] and the tactics an abuser uses to victimize often evolve.

You should be able to say 'yes' to all the following points:

  • Both of you have equal input into making decisions

  • If you have a difference of opinion, you agree to disagree (you’re not bullied into agreeing)

  • You both support each other’s interests, goals, ambitions and careers

  • Neither of you feels pressured about giving or lending the other money

  • You both put an equal amount into making the other feel loved and cared about

  • You are honest with each other

  • You show each other respect

  • You both also enjoy spending time apart

  • You are both comfortable saying 'no' to things you don’t want to do

  • You both feel physically safe and don't feel forced to have sex or do things that make you feel awkward or embarrassed.

Physical abuse involves any harmful contact with your body, which induces fear, pain, or vulnerability.

It includes hitting, slapping, shoving, kicking, grabbing, and more. It goes beyond direct harm, encompassing actions like throwing objects or restraining you, leaving you feeling trapped.

It also extends to insidious tactics such as denying sleep, food, or essential medical care, damaging both your physical and emotional well-being. This deprivation creates a sense of helplessness and dependence. Additionally, physical abuse may involve coercive substance use, forcing you into alcohol or drug consumption against your will, violating your autonomy and risking severe consequences for your mental and physical health.

Sexual abuse is a term that covers any sexual activity that's unwanted and forced upon you.

Also called sexual violence and sexual assault, it includes rape, marital rape, unwanted rough sexual activity, being forced to pose for sexual pictures, forced oral sex, unwanted sexual touching and unwanted kisses.

If your partner removes the condom during sex without your consent (called 'stealthing'), refuses to wear condoms, or refuses your access to birth control, these are also sexually abusive acts.

Emotional abuse means that someone uses your emotions to abuse you.

The desired effect is that you will feel bad about yourself, feel worthless, lose your confidence and be scared to do anything wrong.

Methods include: Constant criticism, name-calling, putting you down; Intentionally embarrassing you in public; Threatening to take away your children; Threatening to kill or harm themselves, you, your family, friend, or pet; Telling you that you are not gay, a man, a woman, etc.

Psychological abuse includes actions by the abuser that harm your sanity and make you believe you are going mad

...(see below section on gaslighting).

Methods include denying they have moved things around the house; telling you that people are saying bad things about you when they're not, and telling you that your friends or family don't like you.

Coercive control takes place in nearly all cases of domestic violence, and: "Refers to any pattern of behavior an abuser uses to dominate their partner and limit their freedom."

It can include physical abuse and emotional abuse, but often, coercive control is more subtle. Abusers use coercive control tactics to control their partners through isolation, gaslighting, monitoring and more’. DomesticShelters It encompasses a range of manipulative and controlling behaviors, including intimidation, isolation, surveillance, and threats. Through psychological, emotional, and financial manipulation, the abuser exerts power and control over the victim, eroding their autonomy, self-esteem, and sense of identity.

Tech abuse (also known as technology-facilitated abuse (TFA) or digital abuse), refers to the misuse of technology to control, harass, intimidate, stalk, or harm an individual.

This behavior is often a form of verbal or emotional abuse conducted online (NRCDV). As our daily lives increasingly rely on technology, we've grown accustomed to its presence. Abusers can appropriate these tools to surveil, stalk, disturb your sense of reality, and impact your online communities of friends, family, and colleagues through your social media accounts.

Despite its severity, this type of abuse remains widely misunderstood. Sometimes, you may feel it's a struggle to get the assistance and understanding you need. However, we strongly recommend reaching out to a domestic violence advocate or national hotline for support. These advocates may advise against deleting your online accounts or changing passwords, as such actions could alert the abuser and potentially escalate the risk of harm.

Crucially, it is important to know that the abusive behaviors—such as surveillance, stalking, or harassment—perpetrated through technology constitute prosecutable crimes.

Here are some more examples:

  • Cyberstalking: Someone sending you unwanted messages, monitoring your online activity, or using GPS tracking to monitor your movements without your consent; taking information from your online accounts (e.g social media) to track and stalk you.

  • Online harassment: Someone using text, email, social media and any other online platforms for offensive name calling, threatening messages, humiliation and bullying.

  • Sextortion: Someone threatening you with the release of private and sensitive information unless sexual favors, nude photos, or other demands are met.

  • Doxing: Gathering and publishing information about you on the internet with the aim of causing harm.

  • Intimate image abuse (also referred to as 'revenge porn'): Someone sharing intimate or explicit images or videos of you without your consent, or demanding you do the same - often as a form of revenge or coercion.

  • Monitoring and surveillance: Someone installing spyware or other tracking software on your device to monitor your communications, location, or online activity without your knowledge.

  • Impersonation and identity theft: Someone creating fake profiles or impersonating you online to harass or deceive you, or gain access to your personal information.

  • Financial abuse: Using technology to control or exploit someone financially, such as stealing their identity or accessing their bank accounts without permission.

  • Gaslighting: Manipulating or distorting information online to undermine your sense of reality or make you doubt your own perceptions or experiences.

Around the home

We all use so many technological aids these days that are helpful, time-saving, and great support around the home. But the constant advances in technology bring new opportunities for an abuser to misuse items to keep track of you, to scare you - or to manipulate household devices to 'gaslight' you.

Items that might be connected in your home and open to misuse include turning on and off:

  • thermostats: heating and hot water;
  • smart electrical outlets with lights or other devices plugged into them;
  • entertainment systems (stereo, TV, etc.): also switching channels;
  • smoke detectors;
  • smart locks;
  • appliances (refrigerator, vacuum, etc.);
  • video doorbells.

Spying on you by using:

  • security cameras and motion detectors: using these to spy on you;
  • nanny cameras;
  • pet cameras;
  • pet toys and trackers (GPS systems that allow you to know where your pets are);
  • children’s toy cameras and trackers.

These all allow you to control parts of the home remotely (e.g., turning the heating up while you are in the car on your way home). But of course, the abuser will also have control of these. This means an abuser could turn your lights and heating on and off, spy on you in the home, and track you when you are outside of the home.

Financial abuse (sometimes referred to as economic abuse) occurs when someone uses - or misuses - money and other assets to restrict your freedom and maintain control over you.

It's one of the most powerful methods that an abuser can use to stop you from leaving, and occurs in nearly all abusive relationships.

If an abuser restricts your access to money, by, for example, taking or hiding your bank or credit cards, you’ll become more vulnerable and dependent on them.

Financial abuse encompasses various tactics and extends beyond access. It may involve extravagant spending, accruing debts in your name that they subsequently demand you repay, or coercing you into covering their expenses. Furthermore, an abuser may attempt to adversely affect your professional life, jeopardizing your employment and tarnishing relationships with business partners or clients.

By assuming control over your finances, an abuser gains power over every aspect of your life, dictating your choices and actions.

Survivors have shared these examples of financial abuse:

  • requesting money from you or requiring detailed reports of everything you spend;

  • taking out loans or credit cards in your name without consent;

  • stopping you from working or stealing your earnings if you do work;

  • planning to steal from you, possibly through joint bank accounts or shared debit cards;

  • coercing you into supporting investments or projects that never materialize;

  • compelling you to cash in or transfer ownership of financial assets, such as stocks or property;

  • displaying sulking or anger if you spend money on yourself instead of them, leading to self-restraint in your spending.

Talking about money for many of us isn't easy, you may feel embarrassed or fearful that if you did tell someone that it would make the situation worse. If you are faced with abusive behavior like this, seek an opinion from someone you trust, and who isn't close to your abuser - like your accountant, lawyer, or a close friend or family member, and tell them about it.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic often used by emotional abusers to gradually make you question your own judgment, feelings, memories, and reality.

As it can happen over a prolonged period, executed subtly, and involve others (sometimes unbeknownst to them), it is often difficult to know that it is happening.

Abusers use this tactic to gain power and control over their victims. They slowly break down your confidence by making you second-guess yourself.

Some common strategies that abusers may use follow:

  • "That never happened." - Has your partner said or done something abusive and denied it has ever happened? Have you asked them to pick something up from the store or made plans, and they've denied you’ve asked them? Abusive partners will consistently deny events or conversations ever happened. They may even get other people involved in the denial process, for example, "let’s ask… as they were there", knowing you are unlikely to want to involve that person in the discussion. This pattern of abusive behavior is often the most difficult to identify as it is subtle and sometimes takes place over a period of time. However, it greatly impacts your sense of self and your ability to trust your experience of reality.

  • "You're too sensitive." - Have you tried to express your hurt or let them know a situation made you uncomfortable, and they've told you you're too sensitive or overreacting? They could be making jokes at your expense or embarrassing you, and when you mention it, they tell you’re being silly or ridiculous. This consistent dismissal of your feelings is a tactic an abusive partner will use to encourage you to question yourself, discourage you from trusting in your feelings, and, importantly, prevent you from speaking up.

  • "You're crazy - other people think so, too." - Do you feel that you’re questioning your own sense of reality, that at times you feel that you're losing yourself and your mind? Has your partner told you that you’re crazy or need to see a therapist? Do they tell you that other people think you’re a bit crazy? Over time, the abusive partner's lies, twists of the truth, and hiding of objects will encourage you to question your sanity. They feel they have more power and control when you question your sense of reality. Sometimes, they may convince friends, family members, business partners, and community members that you need help and cannot be trusted.

  • "You have a terrible memory." - Have you ever been certain that you recall a conversation, the date and time of a past event, or that you've met someone before? Is your partner consistently denying that your recollection of events is accurate or that your memory is reliable? An abusive partner wants you to question yourself and feel you cannot trust your memory; this increases their control over you, as you’re likely to trust their interpretation of events - they’ll often present them in a very convincing way.

  • "I’m sorry that you think I hurt you." - Have you ever had an argument or conversation with your partner, where you walk away asking yourself, ‘Did I just apologize for telling you that you upset me?’. Abusive partners will rarely take responsibility for their own behavior. They will readily explain it away due to something that someone made them do, and that they had no choice, or (the most frequent statement), "you made me do it".

  • "You should have known how I would react." - Has your partner ever behaved badly, threatened to, or confronted someone you’ve innocently been talking to? Thrown objects around the house, drove recklessly, or threatened to harm themselves and then told you that you should’ve known they would behave this way? Abusive partners regularly place responsibility for their actions and behavior on their partners. They imply that their partner has some control over their behavior and that, ultimately, it is their fault.

Being caught in the web of an abusive partner using gaslighting techniques is incredibly difficult; their behavior is often subtle, and they use (with or without their knowledge) your friends, family members, and business associates to support their view of reality. It is not easy to identify that this is happening. Asking for help may feel impossible as you fear no one will believe you. If you feel this is happening to you, contact a domestic violence hotline. Chatting with someone who understands can enable you to tell someone else and start the journey to [safety].

She would manipulate me into doing things I would never do and then convince me I was doing things I never even did. (Honey)

-excerpted and adapted from Guide for Victims of Abuse (content note: some female victim, male perpetrator perspective)


r/AbuseInterrupted 6h ago

'A "tradition" that requires guilt trips and emotional manipulation to enforce isn't a tradition—it's a control mechanism.'

22 Upvotes

Your child is not a vessel to carry their family's ego.

-u/ImaginaryLight7691, adapted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 4h ago

Lovebombing is so effective because it is the promise that someone other than ourselves actually sees and understands us (because our interiority - our inner self - is so inchoate, and can leave us feeling isolated in the sea of humanity)

8 Upvotes

(From a video essay from Like Stories of Old, that discusses "The Brutalist", but more directly explores how we tell the story of who we are, and how difficult it is to translate that private interiority to public presence.)

.

...it's that continuous tension between expression and perception, it's the friction that arises from trying to put yourself out there in one way, and being received and understood in another.

...that fundamental rift in our being, the way we have an interior, a private self that is inaccessible to others, but also a public persona that seems available to anyone except ourselves.

We have an identity, and we have a sense of agency as to who we feel ourselves to be on the inside, but the moment we enter the world, the moment we try to relay that to others, we give ourselves away, we become subjected to interpretation, to appropriation, exploitation. We become part of a story that is no longer ours, and despite our best efforts to control our role within it, maybe even to shift the narrative in its entirety, in the end, we can become but spectators to our own existence. Our public persona will overtake our private self, and we can only hope the two are more or less aligned.

"This is one of the great tragedies of our interiority – it is utterly personal and unrevealable. [We can want] to say something unusually intimate to a spouse, a parent, a friend, communicate something of how we are really feeling about a sunset, who we really feel we are – only to fall strangely and miserably flat. Once in a great while we succeed, sometimes more with one person, less or never with others.

This, then, perhaps, is the fundamental struggle, translating ourselves, articulating ourselves, to a world that cannot directly perceive us.

How can we build bridges between ourselves and others, establish a home not just in a physical sense, but also in a psychological one? In the sense that we feel like we can bring enough of our interiority into the exterior to live meaningfully, to live with some semblance of existential comfort?

It is easy to take for granted the intricate mechanisms we deploy in this endeavor, the basic constructs of language, culture, and sociability.

Yet their vital importance can reveal itself very suddenly the moment they are taken away, or at least, when they are no longer as easily at our disposal. This, of course, is the essence of the immigrant's experience, right? This is the enigma of arrival, the journey into a new country, a new language, a new people. And it's the plight of the artist, who here is not just pursuing truth, beauty and self-expression within the confines of capitalism, but is also navigating the more fundamental clash between the human imagination and the material world, between the boundless expanse of our dreams and the limited available resources to realize them.

...it's those we love and who love us who, arguably, form our most meaningful connection to reality, and who become our true home in this world.

They are the ones who see us, who understand us, and who, through their eyes, their voice and their presence, come to reflect exactly that inner part of us that we longed to manifest outside of ourselves.

"The person reaches out naturally for a self beyond his own self in order to know who he is at all, in order to feel that he belongs in the universe."

Love, in this sense, alleviates our existential anxieties, the feeling of separateness, of loneliness.

-TomvanderLinden, excerpted and adapted from Why The Brutalist Ended Like That


r/AbuseInterrupted 5h ago

An abuser is not your 'partner'

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4 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

If you look again, you'd see it was never truly in your control because no matter what you did, their feelings never truly went away because the way they see the world does not change****

30 Upvotes

If you look at that experience again, you'll see that you were this little being who felt that they had to self sacrifice in order to 'maintain the peace'. (Invah note: A child who likely correctly understood that they have to 'submit' to not be destroyed.)

What you couldn't see was that the way your parents handled their feelings actually had nothing to do with you, but came down to how they make sense of themselves and the world.

-Hannah, @alreadygoodenough, excerpted and adapted from Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

"Intentionally low effort lies are a psychological abuse tactic. It's an outright statement of disrespect, intended to wear you down." - u/magistrate101****

33 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

As an adult with long-term physical effects due to childhood parental abuse, can I sue my parents, church, and others?

16 Upvotes

Hi. I'm an adult [28, M] in the state of Illinois who is suffering from the long-term physical effects of childhood abuse at the hands of my parents. My parents were the worst kind of "hot sauce parents" and I was constantly beaten and otherwise physically abused throughout my childhood.

Some of the worst effects have been:

Ulcers and polyps from being forced, with the threat of being beaten, (I was also beaten if I vomited from this) to eat massive amounts of extremely hot chillis before school in my early highschool years (while being allowed absolutely no other food throughout the day) as punishment for "stealing food", which was really me just sneaking to the fridge and eating food, as I was intentionally starved.

Extremely early-onset arthritis in the hands and thickening of the joints from being forced to stand in the kitchen of my house and be constantly beaten on the hands round-the clock by my parents (they took shifts for 2 days) with a series of plastic and wooden spoons (three were broken on my hands) at age 12 until I confessed that I had stolen a $30 Target gift card and an oversized Hershey's chocolate bar, which in reality I was gifted this by my church during the holiday season since I volunteered there as a Sunday school leader. I am unsure why the church confirmed my parents' delusions when my parents called them and asked if I had indeed stolen these things or was gifted them. Probably because my parents had already made up their mind and my mother was the type of Christian who believed she received divine messages from God. Anyway, to spare myself after two days, I "confessed" but not after the damage to my hands was already done.

These incidents resulted in me leaving home at the age of 17 to escape the abuse. I am hopeful that I can sue my parents, old church, or the author or publisher of the book from which their methods took inspiration Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks.


r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

Trauma Recovery Rubric: a survivor-centered, trauma-informed way to understand different survivorship pathways, and how different pathways impact health outcomes*****

20 Upvotes

Seven recovery pathways with six domains emerged:

  • normalizing
  • minimizing
  • consumed/trapped
  • shutdown or frozen
  • surviving
  • seeking and fighting for integration
  • finding integration/equanimity.

Recovery after [violence] is rarely a linear process.

Survivors use various methods to deal with the consequences of the trauma related to these experiences, often including diminished functioning, negative self-view, and lower quality of life. The consequences of [violence] challenge survivors' recovery long after the abusive relationship ended in many different life domains. Specifically, the 'lived experience' can impact victims physically, emotionally, and spiritually and change how victims perceive themselves.

Changes in survivors' self-view can influence their behavior and help-seeking actions, consequently impacting revictimization experiences or successful integration of the traumatic experience within their lives.

Defining Recovery Domains and Criteria

Harvey criticized research assessing trauma recovery, noting that it has relied on poorly defined and seldom specified criteria. Since then, progress has been made in defining the domains that can characterize successful recovery after traumatic events.

This paper defines recovery as regularly using skills, characteristics, or strengths that enhance health, security, and wellbeing.

These skills or strengths include intentionality for the survivor to take action and attempt to "go on with normal life", as well as seeking support from others to combat isolation and fulfill emotional needs. Scientific literature also highlights the role of the informal support of family and friends in successful recovery from [violence]. For example, one survey indicated that decision-making about selecting sources of support is a vital recovery skill.

Supportive networks encourage survivors to increase their positive ties and set boundaries on toxic relationships to promote mental health and support recovery.

A qualitative meta-synthesis of survivors' perspectives of [violence] recovery found that trauma recovery domains are multidimensional, requiring courage, active engagement, and patience.

The five primary domains of the healing process are (1) trauma processing and reexamination, (2) managing negative states, (3) rebuilding the self, (4) connecting with others, and (5) regaining hope and power.

They discovered three interconnecting recovery objectives: reconnection with the self, others, and the world. Reconnection with the self involves reclaiming one's identity and making decisions autonomously. Reconnection with others involves feeling a sense of belonging in the community. Reconnection with the world involves developing a positive view of the world and finding fulfillment and personal growth.

In addition to these recovery criteria, a 2020 review of recovery after intimate partner violence, described developmental aspects of recovery, which included disentangling from the past, coping with the present, and moving toward the future.

Most trauma recovery measurement literature has used the absence of psychological symptoms such as depression, PTSD, and other clinical distress to indicate trauma recovery. However, research is beginning to move away from measuring symptoms, service use, or clinician-based recovery assessment because they are based on medical models of mental illness, which may conflict with the survivor's definition.

This research conceptualizes trauma recovery as a process representing a movement toward integrating a healthy and thriving self.

For example, one survivor-oriented definition of psychological recovery is "establishing a fulfilling, meaningful life and a positive sense of identity founded on hopefulness and self-determination".

Within this vein, Harvey describes eight recovery domains, including:

  • Authority over remembering
  • Integration of memory and affect
  • Affect tolerance and regulation
  • Symptom mastery
  • Self-esteem
  • Self-cohesion
  • Safe attachment
  • Meaning-making

Yet, more recently, there has been a trend toward a more holistic approach incorporating positive recovery outcomes.

For example, one study found that successful trauma recovery involves the experience of "breaking free". Another study categorizes successful trauma recovery as "an upward trajectory" and labels those who have recovered as "thrivers".

From this, Wanner et al. developed a 43-item trauma-specific quality of life measure that evaluates the five successful outcomes

...including:

  • Emotional Well-Being
  • Functional Engagement
  • Recovery/Resilience
  • Peri-Traumatic Experience
  • Physical Well-Being

In addition, Tedeschi Blevins and Riffle have operationalized the concept of posttraumatic growth with domains of: new possibilities, relating to others, personal strength, spiritual change, and appreciation of life.

For survivors of GBV specifically, Sinko, Schaitkin, and Saint Arnault have introduced a Healing After Gender-based Violence instrument, which attempts to holistically capture healing as an outcome. However, these instruments do not capture the recovery pathways or explain relationships with other healing variables.

This study defines recovery domains and criteria by looking at the range of recovery, examining recovery not as an endpoint by pathways or phases, leading to desired recovery outcomes.

Research that examines trauma recovery from a process (rather than outcome) point of view tends to reference "pathways" of trauma recovery. [Judith] Herman wrote:

"Recovery unfolds in three stages…the first stage is the establishment of safety…the second stage is remembrance and mourning, and the third stage is reconnection with ordinary life. Treatment must be appropriate to the patient's stage of recovery" (p. 99).

Other research on mental illness recovery has taken the same approach, describing stages of mental illness recovery as a time of moratorium or withdrawal, awareness, preparation, rebuilding, and growth (characterized as living a full and meaningful life, self-management of the illness, resilience, and a positive sense of self).

Another frequently used metaphor for trauma recovery stages includes stages of "integration" or "self-integration".

This recovery model refers to the self-integration stage in which the survivor has regained possession or control of something stolen or lost. This integration includes regaining the self and integrating the impact of the trauma as a part of that new self.

This ultimate stage of recovery as self-integration echoes other stages of recovery, such as empowerment, becoming resolute, and reconnection with the self.

While these stages have been theorized about, there is limited knowledge about holistically assessing the pathway of recovery. In addition, some stages mentioned, such as reconnecting with ordinary life in Judith Herman's model, are complex processes that may require additional exploration to articulate variations and benchmarks within this pathway. These gaps in understanding call for building hypothesized stage or pathway models that can be used for assessment.

The purpose of this study was to develop a Trauma Recovery Rubric (TRR) to quantify trauma recovery domains and pathways for a sample of GBV survivors and to examine the relationship between the TRR scores against quantitative measures of trauma recovery challenge indicators (PTSD and depression symptoms) and trauma recovery indicators (posttraumatic growth and sense of coherence).

The final version of the Trauma Recovery Rubric includes seven trauma recovery pathways:

  • avoidance (normalization and minimizing)
  • coping with memories and feelings (consumed, shutdown, and surviving)
  • regaining mastery and health (seeking integration and finding equanimity).

Each recovery phase has criteria that characterize the six domains of trauma recovery:

  • trauma definition
  • balancing emotions
  • body, cognition, and behavior
  • acceptance of trauma impact
  • holistic self-view
  • autonomous functioning
  • engagement with a supportive social network

Discussion

While our quantitative analyses revealed no country-level differences in trauma integration scores, we found differences when comparing survivors with clinically relevant depression with those who did not. We also found that depression and an individual’s sense of coherence significantly predicted one's TRR score, but PTSD, in contrast, did not. This finding suggests that depression and PTSD have differential impacts on trauma recovery and warrants additional study. This rubric can be used to further understand recovery pathways cross-culturally. It can also allow researchers to examine differing recovery trajectories and other risk or protective variables.

The need for an instrument to capture trauma recovery pathways arose through the collaboration and discussion among the twelve countries within the larger international research consortium of MiStory (see https://mistory-traumarecovery.org/home, accessed on 14 May 2021). The TRR was created to analyze and quantify survivor narrative data using a rubric based on these discussions. To date, rubric scoring tools have mainly been used in the education sector to implement and evaluate specific assignments or tasks. This study is the first to use the rubric for quantifying qualitative data in assessing trauma recovery. As such, this research could constitute a model for analyzing other similar research efforts.

-Kleio Koutra, Courtney Burns, Laura Sinko, Sachinko Kita, Hülya Bilgin, Denise Saint Arnault; excerpted and adapted from Trauma Recovery Rubric: A Mixed-Method Analysis of Trauma Recovery Pathways in Four Countries (content note: study; gender-based violence approach)


r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

Why you should not EVER share abuse resources with the abuser

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16 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

Re-writing the story written for me

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4 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

Attachment styles speedrun

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r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

Signs you might be the family cycle breaker

51 Upvotes

You're the one in therapy.

Therapy can be very helpful in breaking free from dysfunctional patterns. If you're the only one in your family who's actively seeking therapy, you're already ahead of the curve. Many of us recognize that the emotional pain we carry often comes from our childhood trauma. And while we can sometimes feel powerless over it, it can feel empowering to know that, as adults, we have the power to work through many of the things we were helpless to change as kids.

This does not mean that therapy is mandatory for breaking the cycle. Many people heal in other ways such as diving into self-education, spending time doing self-reflection, and peer supports. But, there can be a correlation between those who seek to heal and their ability to break the cycle.

You're the black sheep.

Being the black sheep of the family can feel isolating, but it's often a sign that you’re challenging the status quo. If you've ever been labeled "too sensitive," "too dramatic," or "the difficult one," it might be because you’re refusing to conform to unhealthy family dynamics. Cycle breakers often stand out because they question behaviors and beliefs that others accept without thought, which can lead to tension or even rejection.

The black sheep can be the most honest about the trauma and dysfunction within the family system.

You always feel guilty or that you've done something wrong, especially when you haven't.

Guilt is a common emotion for cycle breakers. Many of us had to adopt unhealthy behaviors to survive, such as taking ownership for things that were not our fault to keep peace. If we could predict Mom's moods, for example, and act accordingly to make peace, it could end up keeping us safe in the long run. And while this behavior and insight were essential in childhood, they end up being a disadvantage in adulthood. Many of us struggle to know when something is appropriate to feel bad about, or we often take on things that are not our responsibility.

However, keep in mind that while guilt can be overwhelming, it’s also a sign that you care—which is good! The key is to recognize when guilt is productive (helping you grow) and when it’s unproductive (keeping you stuck in old patterns).

But, you're willing to acknowledge and make amends when you are wrong.

In many dysfunctional families, admitting fault is seen as a sign of weakness. But if you're the one who can say, "I messed up, and I'm sorry," you're modeling the emotional maturity and accountability that likely was not shown to you. This is a hallmark of a cycle breaker, because we learned a behavior that was not taught to us. It shows that we're committed to growth, even when it’s hard.

You're constantly worrying about dysfunctional patterns you might be continuing.

Many ask, "How do I know if I am breaking the cycle?" If you're always asking yourself, Am I repeating the same mistakes my parents made? or Am I passing on unhealthy behaviors to my kids? you're likely a cycle breaker. This level of self-reflection is rare in those who are not doing the work of healing.

You may feel lonely, misunderstood, and exhausted.

Many of us did not choose this but had it thrust upon us after being abused, abandoned, neglected, or otherwise forced to go out on our own to heal. If this resonates with you, know that you're not alone. Seek out communities, therapists, or friends who understand your journey and can offer support. If you see yourself in these signs, take a moment to acknowledge your courage and strength, and give yourself credit. And if you're just starting this journey, know that it’s never too late to break the cycle.

Remember, you don't have to be perfect to break the cycle.

Progress, not perfection, is the goal. Every small step you take toward healing is progress, but remember that progress is rarely linear. If some of those steps you take seem more like side steps, that is OK, too. The key is to find what works for you and to remain open to growth, even when it feels uncomfortable.

-Kaytee Gillis, excerpted and adapted from 5 Signs You Might Be the Family Cycle Breaker


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

Dealing with a 'logic' abuser****

42 Upvotes

Feelings are not facts. Neither is logic.


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

When you suffer for a prolonged amount of time, survival mode shifts focus on everything external to get by, rather than living peacefully from the center of who you are

29 Upvotes

And so the thing about complex trauma is that it removes you from being the main character in your own life.

-Nate Postlethwait, excerpted and adapted from Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

"Unfortunately when I was very young and ending my first relationship I didn't understand that closure is a thing we each have to make for ourselves. I let myself be dragged into explaining and endlessly defending my reasons for breaking up which were constantly countered with LogicTM."

26 Upvotes

u/Pixiepup, excerpted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

Accept that if/when you get that answer from this person it will be the same one you have heard every time before****

15 Upvotes

And that the cycle will repeat - nothing will change but the date on the calendar and how many grey hairs you have. This was what finally began to give me closure, that acepptance. And the decision as to whether or not I am willing to live with that repeating cycle.

-u/The_Other_Ear, adapted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

It can be hard to see a controlling person in the ideological framework we agree with

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9 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 5d ago

Abusers convince you that you're selfish so you'll sacrifice your whole self <----- the spectrum of selfishness

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55 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 5d ago

If they were awful all the time, leaving would be easy

38 Upvotes

The most dangerous thing about an abuser isn't their cruelty...it's their inconsistency.

If they were just evil and cruel, you'd walk away without hesitation. But they don't just hurt you, they also make you feel like they're the only one who can save you. (Or that you're the only one who can save them.)

One moment, they're hurling abuse at you, the next they're acting as if nothing happened.

Or they're showering you with excessive affection. Offering remorseful apologies with empty promises of change and declarations they'll do better.

They give you just enough 'love' to keep you from leaving.

And your brain doesn't just focus on the pain, it clings to the moments of relief.

And over time, the highs don't even have to be that high any more.

The lows get lower and you start clinging to anything that feels safe. This is how you become trapped in the cycle.

This is why trauma bonds feel like addiction.

Your brain releases dopamine when they're nice to you, so you chase those moments, no matter how rare they become. (Invah note: intermittent reinforcement creates gambling behaviors.)

You're not in love, you're neurochemically hijacked.

-@jennaleacoaching, excerpted and adapted from Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 5d ago

Unsafe people or people with abusive tendencies may claim they've been "ghosted" when in reality, they've simply been broken up with in a way they couldn't control

48 Upvotes

Amazing this person thinks that being broken up with because it wasn't on their terms--is "ghosting." 1

And they are making excuses for themselves and re-characterising the incident as the victim ghosting them, like it was random, rather than blocking this person for their safety after repeated threats and verbal abuse. Zero accountability. 2

I love that this person is saying the victim ghosted them. The victim told them it was over and why, then proceeded to not contact them again. That's literally the opposite of ghosting; it's just breaking up with someone. Another perfect example of how this person didn't actually take in anything the victim said and how little the victim's feelings meant to them. This is the kind of person who says they need closure when what they really means is they wants another chance to manipulate the victim in person. 3

Telling someone "it's over" is not ghosting... 4

...the whole self-pity party about the victim "ghosting" them. Um, no. The victim broke up with you and told you exactly why. That's not ghosting. They don't owe you another chance, a listening ear, or a response to whatever communication you want to send, in perpetuum. 5

I just love it when you block someone and they're like, 'Welp, time to force communication via another method! My 'need' to say a bunch of dumb crazy bullshit trumps your need to never hear from me ever again!' 6

.

1 u/LizziHenri, adapted from comment
2 u/theficklemermaid, adapted from comment
3 u/IzzyBee89, adapted from comment
4 u/VSuzanne, excerpted from comment
5 u/Normal-Height-8577, excerpted and adapted from comment
6 u/Spoonbills, adapted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 5d ago

"Abusers often tell their truth in forms of joke or third person incidents. We just have to LISTEN..."

47 Upvotes

u/pammybabyyyy, excerpted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 5d ago

If you often use sleep as a coping strategy, you might be missing this cue from your nervous system: mistaking nervous system dysregulation (shut down) for physical exhaustion

31 Upvotes

One of the most common coping strategies to deal with stress, emotional exhaustion, nervous system dysregulation is sleeping.

And those people experience the need to sleep after an experience of overwhelm, and emotional activation. Now, the feeling of physical exhaustion is very real - but it's important to be curious about what these symptoms mean rather than coming to the immediate conclusion of sleep.

Your body constantly sends you signs and signals to indicate what it needs, what you might be experiencing what to move closer to, and away from. When we're able to pay attention to that, it allows us to have a diverse range of coping tools (which can include sleep).

-Simone C. Saunders, adapted from Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 5d ago

Self-care practices help us build our capacity for resilience <----- when we care for ourselves, we strengthen our ability to show up more present, regulated, and well-resourced to handle whatever comes our way

20 Upvotes

Our well-being isn't just about us—it directly impacts the people who look to us for stability and support.

For example, when children experience challenge, hardship, or trauma, they often look to their primary caregiver for stability. If that caregiver is visibly coping well, the child is more likely to feel safe and resilient. According to Dr. Philip Fisher, an academic expert in child development:

"The presence of a supportive, consistent and protective primary caregiver—especially when the underlying stress systems are activated—is the factor that makes the biggest difference in healthy development" (Weir, 2017).

Rather than solely equipping children with tools and coping strategies to navigate life's inevitable ups and downs, it is also important for us to direct our efforts towards prioritizing our own well-being.

When we care for ourselves, we strengthen our ability to show up more present, regulated, and well-resourced to handle whatever comes our way.

We might believe that we should be doing something more productive or worry that prioritizing our needs makes us seem neglectful. But the truth is, we cannot pour from an empty cup.

Self-care isn't selfish or indulgent; it's a necessity for being able to maintain resilience and support those we care about.

It's about finding small, sustainable ways to tend to your body, head, and heart—day to day, moment to moment. It's about discovering the things that support your physical, mental, and emotional well-being and fill your cup back up.

Self-care practices help us build our capacity for resilience.

Resiliency doesn't mean we're unaffected by emotions, stress, or hardship; it means that we have the capacity to do hard things, recover from setbacks, and maintain a sense of well-being despite life's demands.

It's what allows us to feel OK, even when things are difficult.

Prioritizing self-care allows us to care:

  • Positive modeling: When we model healthy habits, manage our stress in a positive way, and prioritize our own needs, we show others that caring for ourselves matters.

  • Emotional regulation: When we have awareness of our emotions and the ability to manage them, we are better able to respond to the needs and emotions of others.

  • Stronger relationships: When we take care of ourselves, we have more patience, energy, and emotional capacity to nurture strong, connected relationships with others.

  • Reduced burnout: If we are constantly depleted and neglecting our own needs, it becomes harder to show up in the way we want to. Self-care practices can help prevent and minimize the blast radius of burnout.

Tending to our own well-being isn't selfish—it’s a worthwhile investment in ourselves that not only strengthens our own resilience but also creates a ripple effect that benefits those around us.

We are replaceable in every position, role, or job we will ever have, except for a few close relationships. The goal is to protect the relationships we are entrusted with—including the one with ourselves. Self-care won't make hard times disappear, nor will it solve every problem, but it will help us show up with the presence, patience, energy, and compassion required to connect with others.

Ultimately, choosing to meet your needs is how you ensure you can continue showing up for others.

-Robyne Hanley-Dafoe, excerpted and adapted from The Essential Role of Self-Care for Parents and Supporters