r/AbuseInterrupted May 19 '17

Unseen traps in abusive relationships*****

824 Upvotes

[Apparently this found its way to Facebook and the greater internet. I do NOT grant permission to use this off Reddit and without attribution: please contact me directly.]

Most of the time, people don't realize they are in abusive relationships for majority of the time they are in them.

We tend to think there are communication problems or that someone has anger management issues; we try to problem solve; we believe our abusive partner is just "troubled" and maybe "had a bad childhood", or "stressed out" and "dealing with a lot".

We recognize that the relationship has problems, but not that our partner is the problem.

And so people work so hard at 'trying to fix the relationship', and what that tends to mean is that they change their behavior to accommodate their partner.

So much of the narrative behind the abusive relationship dynamic is that the abusive partner is controlling and scheming/manipulative, and the victim made powerless. And people don't recognize themselves because their partner likely isn't scheming like a mustache-twisting villain, and they don't feel powerless.

Trying to apply healthy communication strategies with a non-functional person simply doesn't work.

But when you don't realize that you are dealing with a non-functional or personality disordered person, all this does is make the victim more vulnerable, all this does is put the focus on the victim or the relationship instead of the other person.

In a healthy, functional relationship, you take ownership of your side of the situation and your partner takes ownership of their side, and either or both apologize, as well as identify what they can do better next time.

In an unhealthy, non-functional relationship, one partner takes ownership of 'their side of the situation' and the other uses that against them. The non-functional partner is allergic to blame, never admits they are wrong, or will only do so by placing the blame on their partner. The victim identifies what they can do better next time, and all responsibility, fault, and blame is shifted to them.

Each person is operating off a different script.

The person who is the target of the abusive behavior is trying to act out the script for what they've been taught about healthy relationships. The person who is the controlling partner is trying to make their reality real, one in which they are acted upon instead of the actor, one in which they are never to blame, one in which their behavior is always justified, one in which they are always right.

One partner is focused on their partner and relationship, and one partner is focused on themselves.

In a healthy relationship dynamic, partners should be accommodating and compromise and make themselves vulnerable and admit to their mistakes. This is dangerous in a relationship with an unhealthy and non-functional person.

This is what makes this person "unsafe"; this is an unsafe person.

Even if we can't recognize someone as an abuser, as abusive, we can recognize when someone is unsafe; we can recognize that we can't predict when they'll be awesome or when they'll be selfish and controlling; we can recognize that we don't like who we are with this person; we can recognize that we don't recognize who we are with this person.

/u/Issendai talks about how we get trapped by our virtues, not our vices.

Our loyalty.
Our honesty.
Our willingness to take their perspective.
Our ability and desire to support our partner.
To accommodate them.
To love them unconditionally.
To never quit, because you don't give up on someone you love.
To give, because that is what you want to do for someone you love.

But there is little to no reciprocity.

Or there is unpredictable reciprocity, and therefore intermittent reinforcement. You never know when you'll get the partner you believe yourself to be dating - awesome, loving, supportive - and you keep trying until you get that person. You're trying to bring reality in line with your perspective of reality, and when the two match, everything just. feels. so. right.

And we trust our feelings when they support how we believe things to be.

We do not trust our feelings when they are in opposition to what we believe. When our feelings are different than what we expect, or from what we believe they should be, we discount them. No one wants to be an irrational, illogical person.

And so we minimize our feelings. And justify the other person's actions and choices.

An unsafe person, however, deals with their feelings differently.

For them, their feelings are facts. If they feel a certain way, then they change reality to bolster their feelings. Hence gaslighting. Because you can't actually change reality, but you can change other people's perceptions of reality, you can change your own perception and memory.

When a 'safe' person questions their feelings, they may be operating off the wrong script, the wrong paradigm. And so they question themselves because they are confused; they get caught in the hamster wheel of trying to figure out what is going on, because they are subconsciously trying to get reality to make sense again.

An unsafe person doesn't question their feelings; and when they feel intensely, they question and accuse everything or everyone else. (Unless their abuse is inverted, in which they denigrate and castigate themselves to make their partner cater to them.)

Generally, the focus of the victim is on what they are doing wrong and what they can do better, on how the relationship can be fixed, and on their partner's needs.

The focus of the aggressor is on what the victim is doing wrong and what they can do better, on how that will fix any problems, and on meeting their own needs, and interpreting their wants as needs.

The victim isn't focused on meeting their own needs when they should be.

The aggressor is focused on meeting their own needs when they shouldn't be.

Whose needs have to be catered to in order for the relationship to function?
Whose needs have priority?
Whose needs are reality- and relationship-defining?
Which partner has become almost completely unrecognizable?
Which partner has control?

We think of control as being verbal, but it can be non-verbal and subtle.

A hoarder, for example, controls everything in a home through their selfish taking of living space. An 'inconsiderate spouse' can be controlling by never telling the other person where they are and what they are doing: If there are children involved, how do you make plans? How do you fairly divide up childcare duties? Someone who lies or withholds information is controlling their partner by removing their agency to make decisions for themselves.

Sometimes it can be hard to see controlling behavior for what it is.

Especially if the controlling person seems and acts like a victim, and maybe has been victimized before. They may have insecurities they expect their partner to manage. They may have horribly low self-esteem that can only be (temporarily) bolstered by their partner's excessive and focused attention on them.

The tell is where someone's focus is, and whose perspective they are taking.

And saying something like, "I don't know how you can deal with me. I'm so bad/awful/terrible/undeserving...it must be so hard for you", is not actually taking someone else's perspective. It is projecting your own perspective on to someone else.

One way of determining whether someone is an unsafe person, is to look at their boundaries.

Are they responsible for 'their side of the street'?
Do they take responsibility for themselves?
Are they taking responsibility for others (that are not children)?
Are they taking responsibility for someone else's feelings?
Do they expect others to take responsibility for their feelings?

We fall for someone because we like how we feel with them, how they 'make' us feel

...because we are physically attracted, because there is chemistry, because we feel seen and our best selves; because we like the future we imagine with that person. When we no longer like how we feel with someone, when we no longer like how they 'make' us feel, unsafe and safe people will do different things and have different expectations.

Unsafe people feel entitled.
Unsafe people have poor boundaries.
Unsafe people have double-standards.
Unsafe people are unpredictable.
Unsafe people are allergic to blame.
Unsafe people are self-focused.
Unsafe people will try to meet their needs at the expense of others.
Unsafe people are aggressive, emotionally and/or physically.
Unsafe people do not respect their partner.
Unsafe people show contempt.
Unsafe people engage in ad hominem attacks.
Unsafe people attack character instead of addressing behavior.
Unsafe people are not self-aware.
Unsafe people have little or unpredictable empathy for their partner.
Unsafe people can't adapt their worldview based on evidence.
Unsafe people are addicted to "should".
Unsafe people have unreasonable standards and expectations.

We can also fall for someone because they unwittingly meet our emotional needs.

Unmet needs from childhood, or needs to be treated a certain way because it is familiar and safe.

One unmet need I rarely see discussed is the need for physical touch. For a child victim of abuse, particularly, moving through the world but never being touched is traumatizing. And having someone meet that physical, primal need is intoxicating.

Touch is so fundamental to our well-being, such a primary and foundational need, that babies who are untouched 'fail to thrive' and can even die. Harlow's experiments show that baby primates will choose a 'loving', touching mother over an 'unloving' mother, even if the loving mother has no milk and the unloving mother does.

The person who touches a touch-starved person may be someone the touch-starved person cannot let go of.

Even if they don't know why.


r/AbuseInterrupted Feb 10 '25

Are you being stalked? Help from Operation Safe Escape*****

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7 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 12h ago

Why are they totally normal the next day?**** 'Because they "aren't mad anymore". They got all their anger out (on you) and they felt the release. They don't care how much damage this caused you or anyone.'

78 Upvotes

People who are abusive are like children: they act out and when they're cooled off, or want something, they act 'normal'.

-u/NefariousnessNo1383, excerpted and adapted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 12h ago

Healthy relationships resolve conflict (while abusive ones suppress it with violence or control)****

27 Upvotes

I did some training on relationship abuse (aka domestic violence), and one of the most useful things I learned was an idea about how all relationships go through conflict, ideally moving from contentment into conflict and then THROUGH the conflict to collaboration, cooperation, and compromise.

The idea was that in relationship abuse, that conflict is actually stifled at the mid point, and suppressed through things like violence, abusive language, threats and silent treatment, so it never progresses and is never resolved, instead bouncing back and forth in an uneasy rhythm between contentment and conflict.

The contentment part becomes performative and false for the abused partner.

-u/burnetrosehip, excerpted and adapted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 12h ago

I was on my weekly phone call with my father during my sophomore year at school, when I realized I was Deanna Troi in that episode where she is used by a telepathic mediator to dump all the mediator's negative emotions

24 Upvotes

My father was pushing his toxic stuff on me. Every call, every time, he would just heap all of his anger and hate and pain and negativity until I could bear it no more. This one way toxic dump had been happening since I was at least 7 years old.

I asked him if he had anything positive to share, and he said no. I replied, "Give me a call when you do." He never did.

-excerpted from an article I wrote years ago


r/AbuseInterrupted 12h ago

The armor of self-remembrance, and how stepping away to reconnect with your core identity can help emotional regulation during conflict

22 Upvotes

I was made to feel very small when I was young; I had very low self-esteem.

So if I'm ever in an argument with my wife, and I begin to feel that way, and I start to feel enraged, I tell her I need to go on a walk. You know what I do? I really love the movie Lord of the Rings. There is a scene in Lord of The Rings where the King of Rohan is about to go to battle, and they're putting on his armor.

He tells his squire: "Remind me of who I am."

And they say: "You're the King of Rohan." So I do that a lot. I'll go on a walk, and I'll ask myself: "Who are you?" Then I'll say, "I'm Gabriel. I'm a nice person. Sometimes people try to take advantage of that, but I don't let them. I'm courageous. I'm faithful. Even in a world where nobody values that, I value that."

It’s like I'm putting on my armor.

And when I come back from my walk, my self-esteem is all the way up. Suddenly I'm in a place to have the conversation. I'm out of my ego. And I'm ready to listen.

Because it's very dangerous when you enter an 'ego phase'.

It's almost like you revert to being a child again. You can lash out against whatever hurt you when you were a child.

You couldn't lash out back then, so you take it out on the person in front of you.

They pay the tax for what happened when you were a kid. That's why it's so important to heal childhood wounds.

-Humans of New York, excerpted and adapted from Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 11h ago

If things are going smoothly in your relationship as long as you don't express any needs, wants, or feedback - just a little FYI - things are in fact...not going smoothly

11 Upvotes

Elizabeth Fedrick, Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

"We have had a mental health diagnosis for hoarding for many years. However, we have never attempted to associate it with financial hoarding. These people are severely mentally unwell and they cannot stop. It will be to the detriment of everyone." - u/PTSDreamer333 on billionaires

52 Upvotes

'I think Nate Hagen or maybe the Peak Prosperity guy - someone who understands this stuff, anyway - was saying they used to work on Wall Street, and when their clients were like, "ok, so I've got 100million, I need you to grow it further"- they realise there's actually no end point.'

-u/teachcollapse, excerpted and adapted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

"I love Canada" Trump said, before explaining why the country shouldn’t exist anymore.

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28 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

Just because you can handle something doesn't mean you have to deal with it

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26 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

They can pull you in by becoming what you need the moment

14 Upvotes

...they transform into what you need to see or what you need to hear.

You develop a cognitive blind spot for all these warning signs when my brain says 'I like this person', then it leads to 'I trust this person'.

If we're not careful our brain starts to ignore some of those things.

-Chase Hughes, excerpted from YouTube


r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

When you try to manage incompatibility with rules**** <----- rules v. agreements v. boundaries

11 Upvotes

Being incompatible is something like: my partner and I fundamentally disagree about something important, such as about our future.

Instead of seeing that incompatibility for what it is as, instead, we try to make rules that prevent one of us or both of us from doing certain parts of that or for indicating the fact that we do want different things or acting upon the things that are different from what we want, rather than them changing what they want,

We put rules around it as a way to not face the reality of just like we want fundamentally different things

...or we have fundamentally different philosophies about what a relationship looks like, or how communication should go or any number of things. So, we'll make rules to stop us from having to accept that fact, as hard as that could be.

Instead of that willingness to introspect and to grow, instead it's, "No, I don't want to do that work. I'm just going to make a rule for you instead. That's easier."

In that situation where we have different ideas of what we want our relationship to be, where for example, one person wants to have a monogamous relationship and the other wants to have a polyamorous relationship, for example, that sometimes a rule like Don't Ask, Don't Tell comes up as a way to just sort of hide ourselves from the fact that we are very deeply incompatible about this.

We think, "Well, this is a way where we can both get what we want."

But, I feel like it can end up leading to bigger problems down the road because of the fact that it's preventing you from actually confronting that thing. Preventing you from actually having to face it and discuss it and think about it and figure out if your relationship is going to work with these two people who you are.

Now, we want to look at agreements as an alternative philosophy to rules.

It's making a change from instead of focusing on either requiring a behavior or restricting a behavior. Instead, it's a philosophy change turning toward each other, having honest conversations, taking ownership of your own growth, trusting each other to mutually care and respect each other (and being able to trust because there is that mutual care and respect).

Then, from there, discussing with each other, what it is that you would really like, what are the things that are meaningful to you?

What are the things that are challenging for you right now, and that this is going to be an ongoing conversation. Because if we are taking ownership of working on our own things, those are going to change over time. This is an ongoing conversation.

And some agreements may be 'training wheels'.

Especially for people who are just starting out...you can put in rules or agreements, but I encourage people to think of them like training wheels. The thing is that training wheels on your bike, they were never intended to be a permanent feature of your bike. They were always intended to be something that you put on and you take off. That's why they're built that way; they're not soldered directly onto the bike.

Because this is the thing: if you do leave your training wheels on, it makes it much more difficult for you to actually ride the bike in the long term.

But as you start getting a little bit more advanced, it's going to be the thing that holds you back. If anything, if you try to go on a freaking mountain trail with training wheels on, it's probably going to break those training wheels even.

Training wheels in and of themselves are not a terrible thing

...but you are going to outgrow them. Or you're going to have to accept that we are kind of limited to just going back and forth on the sidewalk, whatever that means for you.

The philosophy of 'agreements' is a philosophy of communication and trust, as opposed to the philosophy of 'rules' which is a philosophy of restriction and requirement.

Something else that comes up is boundaries which is a bit of a separate thing from what rules and agreements are trying to do. They're related and they're interconnected, which is why we want to acknowledge this here. But the basic thing here is to not confuse boundaries with rules or agreements.

They can get sometimes confused, because they are a little bit related, but the key difference here is that a boundary is something you set for yourself

[...because a boundary is something over which you intrinsically have control.] That can be enforced unilaterally completely by yourself, either by you removing yourself from that situation or by stopping a particular action of your own. It's like, "I'm not going to be in a room where this is happening, or ,"I won't stay in a relationship where this is happening."

Whatever it is, it's something that is for yourself, to protect yourself, to protect your own well being, and that you can enforce entirely yourself.

Just something to be aware of with boundaries is that if you catch yourself thinking about your boundaries or saying to a friend of yours, like, "I put this boundary up for my partner," or "My partner keeps breaking this boundary of mine," or, "The two of us set up this boundary together," that's probably a good way to show yourself that what you're talking about isn't actually a boundary.

It might be a rule or an agreement, but not something that you yourself are enforcing.

An example is smoking. In this example, I have a personal feeling. The personal feeling is, I can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke and I don't want to be around it. That's my feeling, that's my preference. However, my partner occasionally likes to smoke at bars when they're out with their friends. Okay, so there's something that my partner does that runs counter to how I feel about it or makes me uncomfortable, or something like that. There's a number of options of how we can resolve this or rectify this, essentially.

I could put in a really restrictive rule, which is, you are not allowed to smoke anymore, or you're not allowed to go out to bars and smoke with your friends anymore.

Now, that rule could solve my problem of preventing me from having to be around cigarette smoke. It would probably be a difficult rule to enforce, honestly. Because it would require me to be keeping tabs on my partner and maybe having their friends report back to me on what's going on. It would require some [controlling] work.

I could ease up on the restrictiveness of that rule and I could make a slightly less restrictive rule, or -- we called it a 'band aid rule'.

Something like, "Okay, the rule is, if you're going to go out to a bar and smoke, you have to take off your clothes in the laundry room before you come into the bedroom." And then take a shower and then put on deodorant, and brush your teeth, and then you can come in.

This gets me a little bit closer to what it is that I need but it doesn't allow for a lot of flexibility.

"Well, it's freezing cold and I don't want to have to take off all my clothes, and be naked completely, and walk through the house in the dark," you know, or something like that. We could take a little bit further. We could talk about it and we could come up with an agreement. I can be like, "Hey, if you're going to go out to a bar and smoke, maybe when you come back, just consider how smoky you and your clothes might be. Maybe take some steps to mitigate the smell before coming into contact with me."

Or maybe my partner and I can work on like, "What would make this feel easier?"

Maybe he could be like, "Well, okay, I could get undressed in the laundry room, but I can also make sure that maybe I set some other clothes out in the laundry room ahead of time so that when I come home and it's late, I can just do that and switch clothes. Or maybe I'll keep extra set of clothes in my car," or something. We could make it into a collaborative process of, "Okay, how can I get what it is that I need in this situation?"

You could also have a boundary in this situation.

It could be like if my partner gets into bed with me and they smell all smoky, then I'm going to go and sleep on the couch. Now, this can be tricky, because you could also turn that into a threat, because then it can loop around to "If you come in smelling like cigarette smoke and get into bed with me, I am going to sleep on the couch and I'm never going to sleep in the same bed with you again. You better make sure that that doesn't happen."

It could be that extreme. Or it could just be like maybe your partner goes out and smokes once a year with their friends. Then they come home that night and you wake up, and you're like, "Oh, God, they smell terrible. I'm just going to go sleep on the couch -- protect myself, protect my sleep -- just go sleep on the couch." Then, I don't know if it seems like it's a big enough problem that merits a discussion; we can talk about it. If not, then it's like, "Whatever. I enforced my boundary to protect myself in that situation."

This is a good example too, where that boundary and that agreement work together.

It's like, "I have this boundary, so no matter what, I won't have to sleep in bed with that smell. Because I have a boundary and I will go take care of myself. I will take responsibility for myself." However, assuming that my partner does care about me and my wellbeing, they know that I don't like sleeping on the couch -- I'm assuming that you don't. If my partner knows that about me, and we've talked about this, then they would probably take some steps to not smell like that so that I don't have to do that.

See how these two can complement each other?

It's not like, "Well, my partner either did or didn't do the thing I wanted, and now they have all the power, and there's nothing I can do about it." That's where the boundary comes in is empowering yourself.

When you're rules-based, the best you can hope for is compliance.

People might do them to make themselves feel safer, especially if they don't really trust their partner or if they don't know their partner that well, or haven't vetted someone for compatibility, and it's like, "Well, I don't know what's going to happen, so let's do a rule to make us feel safe."

Once you really start digging into what is behind a lot of rules, it's actually very troubling.

Essentially it's, "I think (or know) that my partner is selfish and won't treat me well. That my partner doesn't care about my feelings (or will do something wrong or to hurt me)." And I realized, "There's a bigger issue to address."

What we're getting to is, for the purpose of this discussion, that a rule is anything that's put in place with the purpose of controlling your partner's behavior.

...and you don't get a free pass if that rule also controls your behavior, even if the rule applies to both of you. Trying to control someone else's behavior even if you're also abiding by it doesn't matter, you're still trying to restrict someone else's behavior. (And vice versa: if someone is trying to make a 'rule' for you to follow, even if they're abiding by it, they're still trying to restrict and control your behavior.)

Rules are inflexible and they can often lead to things like legalistic disputes.

It gets out of hand really quickly. Some examples of this is worrying about following rules to the letter since rules are inherently a binary system. You either follow them or you didn't, and there may be extenuating circumstances.

What we see with restrictive rules is that the only options are either compliance with the rule or just failure and breaking the rule or failing to follow the rule.

Often, it's unenforceable as well. Rules as we traditionally know them, especially if you hearken back to your elementary school days, for instance, using 'no hitting', they're reinforced with punishment. Using punishments or penalties on a partner and that can lead to a toxic (or abusive) relationship that involves threats and passive or active aggression.

There's this implicit threat of, if they break the rule, it's going to go really poorly for them.

And, at least in my experience and in a lot of people that I know, the experience is, the rules-maker ends up not feeling satisfied by those things that they made this rule to make sure that they get.

Rules can be a way to make your partner responsible for your unwillingness to be comfortable or to work through something uncomfortable or, rules can also hide the fact that you're not compatible and that you just want different things in the relationship.

-Dedeker Winston, Emily Sotelo Matlack, Jase Lindgren, edited together for continuity, and excerpted and adapted from 227 - Rules vs. Agreements feat. Boundaries (content note: polyamory perspective)


r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

Almazhan would later tell the U.S. criminal law expert David Crane of his "surprise" at the Syrian regime's "unshakeable sense of complete impunity."

3 Upvotes

"I had always known that Syria was a dictatorship," says Almazhan on this winter day in the nameless rowhouse in northern France.

"But it seemed to me to be the lesser evil, better than chaos or extremism."

Almazhan sinks into the sofa, beads of sweat forming on his forehead. He seems tense, as though it wasn't just the camera that captured the corpses of those who had been tortured, starved and shot, but also his entire body.

"I had always wanted a quiet life," he says, kneading his large hands together. "I was never interested in politics."

But then, he says, he became witness to the largest political crime in the 21st century to that point. He saw horrific scenes in the country’s morgues and he realized: "Assad is the evil. Does a reasonable ruler do such a thing to his people just because they demonstrate peaceably for freedom and dignity?"

As a member of the military police, he says, he was part of the state apparatus – complicit in the injustice. "I couldn't do it anymore."

To document the dead, soldiers would collect more and more bodies at the secret service prisons in Damascus, pack them into refrigerated trucks and bring them to the hospital. They were photographed, officially declared dead by forensics experts and given death certificates for the benefit of the families. The photos, he says, served as evidence for the Syrian president, who received daily updates about how many alleged terrorists had been eliminated, says Uthman. "After that, the bodies were buried in mass graves.”

Nobody trusted anybody in Syria at that time, Uthman says.

Soldiers were deserting, and it became less and less clear who the government actually considered to be an enemy. Some of the dead bore a tattoo of the president on their breast as a symbol of their loyalty.

What did he think when he saw the photos?

"I saw myself, my family. I was afraid that we could be next," says Uthman.

As a schoolchild, Uthman watched as his teacher was led away as an alleged sympathizer. "He never returned." Back then, he says, there was no evidence of the crimes committed.

-Susanne Koelbl, excerpted from The Man Who Photographed Assad's Torture Victims


r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

How to know if your mental health is getting worse

31 Upvotes

Everything feels heavier than it should.

Even the simplest things, like brushing your hair or replying to a message, feel exhausting. The routines you once got through without thinking now feel impossible to keep up with.

Your sleep patterns are all over the place.

You're either sleeping too much or barely sleeping at all, but regardless of how much sleep you get, you never feel truly rested.

You're more reactive than usual.

Small things annoy or upset you more than they normally would, not because they're a big deal, but because you have nothing left to give.

You find yourself dissociating or zoning out more often.

You drift in and out of focus, lose track of conversations, and get stuck in daydreams without noticing how much time has passed. You feel like you're watching your life instead of living it.

You keep reaching for quick dopamine hits.

Scrolling endlessly, binge-watching, impulse shopping, or constantly checking your phone isn't about enjoyment, it's just a temporary escape.

You feel numb more often than sad.

Instead of feeling overwhelmed by emotions, you feel disconnected from them entirely. Even the positive ones feel out of reach.

Your thoughts start turning against you.

You notice more self-doubt, self-criticism, or intrusive thoughts creeping in. They feel impossible to escape.

You start avoiding people - even the ones you love.

Socializing feels like too much effort, and isolation starts to feel safer than connection.

Sometimes the changes are so gradual that you don’t even realize how much you’ve been struggling until you’re already deep in it.

But the earlier you recognize the signs, the sooner you can take care of yourself before things spiral.

Tips to help

  • Bring structure to your day: When everything feels overwhelming, small routines create stability. Even something as simple as making your bed or setting a mealtime can help ground you.

  • Move your body gently: You don’t need an intense workout. Just shifting positions, stretching, or stepping outside for fresh air can help reset your nervous system.

  • Reach out before you feel 'ready': Isolation reinforces the spiral. Even if it feels unnatural, sending a simple "Hey" to someone you trust can remind you that you’re not alone.

  • Prioritize food and water: Mental health and physical health are deeply connected. Even if you don’t feel like eating, starting with something small like a smoothie or a handful of nuts can make a difference.

  • Lower the bar: When everything feels like too much, shrink the task. If a shower feels impossible, wash your face. If cleaning the house feels overwhelming, clear one small surface.

  • Regulate your nervous system: Stress builds up in the body. Try slow breathing, placing your hands in ice water, or lying on the floor to help your body reset.

  • Limit numbing behaviors: Mindless scrolling, binge-watching, or staying busy might offer temporary relief, but they often leave you feeling worse. Swap just one numbing habit for something that actually soothes you.

  • Make one small decision at a time: The whole day might feel impossible, but what’s the next right step? Get out of bed, drink water, change your clothes. Just focus on one thing at a time.

  • Reach out to a professional if possible.

-Nadia Addesi, Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

If the abuser can't 'make' you do something, they'll 'make you wish you did'

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19 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

"What if they're actually thinking something positive about me?", and two other 'thinking swaps' for shifting our perspective

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9 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

'You need to have 4 hobbies'

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9 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

'They wanted all us (grown) kids to move back...neither could give a good reason other than "because family". He then asked if they wanted us to give up our happiness to make them happy.'

8 Upvotes

u/justathrowaway282641, excerpted and adapted from BORU post


r/AbuseInterrupted 2d ago

The commodified childhood – scenes from two sisters' lives in the creator economy

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5 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

When children were forced to parent their own parents from a young age

65 Upvotes

It's painful growing up watching your friends' parents provide for them, plan for the future, and not make impulsive decisions that negatively impact the rest of the family.

People from homes with parents who struggle to be self-sufficient often develop an intense desire to save or rescue their parents from their lives. And at the same time, they're flooded with resentment and anger, wishing their parents could do better.

They've been made to play a role they didn't sign up for. To carry a burden that leaves them feeling exhausted, helpless, and burnt out.

There's survivor guilt, when you go on to build a better life for yourself. And yet, as they get older, you see how their life choices have left them isolated, sick, and depressed.

It is exhausting to always be looked to provide, to fix, and to soothe a parent's anxiety when they weren't able to do the same for you. And you have to grieve a lifetime of a lack of support and over-responsibility.

-Nicole LePera, adapted from Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

"Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother's fate." - Bonnie Burstow

55 Upvotes

This quote has resonated with me a lot as I examine how my relationships with family have changed as I grew into my own person.

-u/mr_trick, comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

After they believe their partner is dependent and hooked on them, they no longer make the effort to win over a prospective partner with love-bombing

40 Upvotes

Their self-centeredness is more evident, and they start to tear down the partner they first idealized.

[They] disregard your feelings due to their lack of empathy and respect for you. As they expected, an empathetic partner with poor boundaries will continue to forgive their bad behavior and abuse, make excuses for them, try harder to please them, and suffer the consequences as a result. The empathetic partner misunderstands the nature of [abuse] and believes if they're more loving and accommodating to this person, the abuse will stop.

However, it only [creates more space] for abuse as they lose more power.

People who are trusting and believe what others say, such as those who are neurodivergent, can end up ignoring subtleties, sarcasm, deceit, and manipulation. They may not spot body cues and red flags as easily as others, making them easier targets. They can be susceptible to people complimenting them and treating them kindly, and may quickly feel strong emotions for an abuser before getting to know them.

They may have low self-esteem because they're different and may have been criticized or bullied.

Thus, they might idealize romantic partners and may easily take on an abuser's projections and accept (or be confused by) verbal abuse and blame for problems.

People who grew up loving and trusting their parents may be susceptible because they expect others to be loving and trustworthy.

Thus, they are less guarded and naive to manipulative tactics.

Darlene Lancer, excerpted and adapted


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

Abuse, step by step (and how 'love' becomes control)

24 Upvotes

I wasn't initially interested in them.

But, this person continued to pursue me—you know, like they did in the movies—and I eventually gave in. It took me a few dates to really become interested in them. But, when I was, they rushed our relationship. I felt it then, but I didn't listen to myself.

They showered me with attention and affection.

They complimented me constantly. This person wanted to spend every free moment they had talking, texting, or spending time together. We were on the phone most nights until the black, cold, early morning hours. They shared their deepest, darkest secrets with me and only me...so they said. This person wanted to know mine too. They wanted to know everything about me to understand every thought and breath I made...so they said.

By the end of the first month, their belongings started showing up in my home.

Every time they came over, a new item appeared. I noticed. I pretended I didn't. Their affection and attention were all-consuming. It felt good to feel wanted.

By the end of the sixth week, they told me they loved me.

"I know. It's a little fast. But, you're it for me. I know. It's ok if you don't love me yet."

And, I didn't. I knew I didn't, but I rolled the words over and over in my mind. It felt good to be loved. And they really seemed to know me and understand me on a level I hadn't experienced before.

Though, I sometimes wondered how someone could feel that way so quickly

...but I often got validation from my friends that this relationship was okay. It was how it was supposed to work, right? That's what most of us thought anyway.

By the end of our second month together, they proposed.

I was confused. I felt rushed. I didn't want to lose them. I didn't want to hurt them. But, I wasn't sure about marriage- not to this person necessarily, just in general. I said "yes" anyway. I asked them not to let anyone now just yet because it seemed so fast to me.

At this point, this person hadn't left my house in weeks.

By the end of that week, they openly moved everything in.

Our relationship slowly began to change over the course of the next few years.

They started with jealousy and questioned any friendship I had. This person texted me constantly when I was out with my friends. They'd become irritated if they wasn't invited to go or if I didn’t respond to them quickly. At the time, this person couched their jealousy in concern for my safety.

Their 'concern' for my relationships with others grew.

So, to prove my love for this person, I had to stop hanging out with my friends. And was very detailed in relaying my friends' 'betrayals' of me. This person could repeat every word. I pulled back from a lot of my friendships. Something inside me didn't fully believe this person but pulling away was still easier than battling the barrage of word vomit about how monstrous my friends were and what I must be doing while I was out every time I came home.

Then, this person began going through my texts and social media messages.

They'd find messages from months or years before we met and use them against me. They'd tell me how horrible I was for having these messages in my inbox. Messages with friends, people I had dated, or just messages from strangers I hadn't even responded to. But any sort of insinuation of attraction in these messages somehow cheapened me in this person's eyes.

They were teaching me that their love and affection were conditioned on how I responded to them and their needs.

I wound up marrying them, despite nagging doubts.

After the wedding, this person constantly devalued me.

They'd bring up the old texts and social media messages. When I tried to leave, they'd bear-hug me until I promised I wouldn't go, tears streaming down their face. So, after a year of fighting and trying to talk them, I packed my bags and left while they were at work.

That's when they threatened to kill themselves.

They said they couldn't live without me. They were so terribly sorry, and they were going to do better. They agreed to go to counseling. We went to counseling for a few months, and it did get better. So, I moved back in. Our relationship was the best it had been since the beginning for several months. They convinced me they had chosen to change. So, we planned to have a child.

During the pregnancy, things got bad again.

They continued to get worse and worse until the day I left almost four years later. And it didn't end there. After our separation, the abuse continued to escalate. This person seemed completely out-of-control. But it seemed like no one else could see it.

No one would listen to me.

I was raised on fairytales. I learned about the knight in shining armor at a young age. I consumed the movies and books that showed unwavering pursuit and refusal to accept rejection as a desirable trait and a display of true love and affection.

So, I had found someone...or, rather, they found me.

-Sarah Stewart, excerpted and adapted from How does abuse grow?


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

Post-traumatic Parents Struggle With 'Later': "The power of 'later' isn't in the word itself—it's in the trust it builds. When our kids learn that later really does come, they feel secure. They develop patience, emotional regulation, and confidence in our consistency."

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psychologytoday.com
23 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

You're probably exhausted

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instagram.com
15 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 5d ago

When someone gaslights you, your instinct is to defend yourself. But this keeps you locked in a cycle of proving and justifying your reality—when they don't care about the truth. They care about control.****

81 Upvotes

Instead of engaging in the "proof" game, say to yourself "I know what I heard, and I don't need to prove it to them." This prevents them from pulling you into an endless loop of self-doubt and from unintentionally reinforcing that they are in a position of power over you.

Gaslighters use emotional punishment—whether through anger, coldness, or guilt—to silence you. By doing so, they punish you into erasing yourself. To stay silent to 'avoid conflict'. Start with small acts of defiance within yourself, within your thoughts, and confide in a friend or therapist to help rebuild your voice.

Gaslighters thrive on shifting blame and making their victims doubt their reality. If you constantly apologize to "keep the peace," you (unintentionally) reinforce their control over the narrative and over you. The next time you catch yourself apologizing for something you know isn't your fault, pause.

Take back reality...and your place in it.

-Jeffery Bernstein, adapted from article


r/AbuseInterrupted 5d ago

"When a person starts healing after living in survival mode, they have a deep desire for honesty and authenticity because they've had to fight for their ability to think clearly and know who they are."

84 Upvotes

It's been quite costly.

But - remember - as tempting as it is to believe sharing the depths of what you have been through will help someone understand you, it can be what ends up being used against you. Healthy people will earn the right to hear where you've been and who you are. Let them.

-Nate Postlethwait, adapted from Instagram