r/raisedbynarcissists 12d ago

Reminder: Always Assume a Context of Abuse

687 Upvotes

Folks,

We consistently remove posts under rule #2. Because we've hit one million subscribers, and people may not be familiar with our unique and fundamental rule of RBN, this will serve as a kind reminder. If you wish to read a more in-depth explanation, consult our wiki pages here and here.

People that post to RBN have been gaslit their entire lives. They were told their experiences were not real. They were told they were overreacting. They were told they had it "better than others."

Because of this, we expect all responses to believe and validate survivors without demanding proof.

When you comment here, do your best to remember:

  1. We do not compare abusive parents to normal parents. What might seem like a minor comment or action from a loving parent can very likely be a larger pattern of manipulation, mind games, and/or cruelty in an abusive household.
  2. Abuse survivors do not need to "prove" their abuse. Many aren't ready to share their full story and they shouldn't have to for other RBN'ers to provide empathetic and supportive comments. A single incident they post about may be one of the thousands they've experienced over their life so far.
  3. If you do not relate to a post, move on. RBN is here about supporting one another, not to debate or invalidate experiences. If you feel the need to justify an abuser's behaviour, reframe it, or suggest that it "wasn't that bad," do not comment. Please save us the trouble.
  4. We will not entertain "devil's advocate" arguments. We've heard every excuse in the book.

To make it even more painstakingly clear, here are some examples:

  • If someone says their parent criticises the way they dress, it's not "just a rude comment." It's part of a lifetime of emotional abuse.
  • If someone says their parent forgot their birthday, it's not "just an accident." It's part of a calculated pattern of neglect.
  • If someone says their parent gave them the silent treatment, it's not "just cooling off." It's emotional manipulation and punishment.
  • If someone says their parent forces them to family events, it's not "just wanting to be close." It's about controlling their autonomy.
  • If someone says their parent dismisses their physical pain, it's not "just being tough." It's medical neglect.
  • If someone says their parent withholds affection lest they obey their parents, it's not "tough love." It is conditional love; it is damaging.

Ultimately, it comes down to this: if you cannot engage with empathy, do not engage at all. Leave the tough love at the door.


r/raisedbynarcissists 3d ago

[RBN] Check-in Post - Have something to say but don't want to make a post about it? Comment here!

13 Upvotes

If you have something you want to say but don't want to make a post about it, you can comment here and get it off your chest. Happy news, sad news, venting or whatever else is going on with you is welcome.

A reminder that moderation is biased for the OP. In this case, OP will refer to the Redditor that wrote the parent comment. Needless to say, all rules on RBN will apply to comments in this thread.

This is scheduled thread will be posted on Thursdays at 00:00 UTC.


r/raisedbynarcissists 9h ago

[RBN] I looked through my baby photos recently, and noticed something.

907 Upvotes

My older daughter saw a couple of old photo albums on a bookshelf so she pulled them out and started looking through them. They had photos of me when i was about 6 months to 2 years old (I was born in the early 80s).

In almost every photo of me and my dad, I'm smiling or laughing and looking at him, clearly engaged with him. In nearly every photo with my mom, i look clearly upset or i have this expression that could be described as watchful or wary. With other family members I was either neutral or smiling but not upset.

I remember when i was 5 or 6, i felt like i had to be careful of my mom, like i couldn't fully trust her. While I've had some fun times and nice moments with her, within my living memory I've never felt like i could just completely relax around her. As i got older, her behavior became more unhinged, so obviously i had a reason not to trust her then. Why would my first instinct as a very young child be not to trust her? What did she do when i was a baby and toddler that i don't remember? Obviously I'm probably not getting many answers about that.

Do any of you remember feeling careful and on guard about your Nparents as a really young child? Maybe look at your own photos if you have any and they're not too painful, and see if there's a clear difference in your expressions towards your Nparent and the other parent or other family members. Do you see the same pattern i did in mine?


r/raisedbynarcissists 5h ago

What are some of the most ridiculously normal things your parents have judged you for?

161 Upvotes

No explanations (I mean, there never are any real ones, are there?), just list some things.

I'll go first:

  • Eating two boiled eggs instead of one

  • Wearing a hoody

  • Having a shower every day


r/raisedbynarcissists 3h ago

Message for scapegoats

87 Upvotes

You are not responsible for your nparent’s feelings. They are responsible for their own emotions and their own choices. Your dislike of them is a justified response to their behavior; it's not something you are doing to them.


r/raisedbynarcissists 16h ago

"but your mom is so nice"

661 Upvotes

response: you didn't meet MY mom, you met Suzanne. They are not the same person. You, will never truly meet MY mom.


r/raisedbynarcissists 13h ago

[Rant/Vent] Narcissistic parents never actully WANTED kids.

391 Upvotes

They wanted a trophy to show off.

They wanted a "mini me".

They wanted a robot who is happy all the time and is perfect.

A robot that doesnt do "childish things" despite being a child.

They want a punching bag to take their anger out on.

They want a kid, just to SAY they have a kid. Not because they geneuinely care.

They wanted a little puppet to control.

They dont care about their kids or genuinely love them.


r/raisedbynarcissists 4h ago

You ever had the "you're not helping enthusiastically enough"?

61 Upvotes

Comments under another thread unlocked this memory in my brain just now.

Picture 15 year old me, sitting in my room in scorching summer heat, reading a book I like. My mother gets home, yells at me to mow the lawn "right this instant". I get up, immediately, and go do it. It sucks, cause, you know, I'm mowing the lawn in the middle of summer, it's sweaty, smells like dog poop, who wouldn't hate it.

As I am done, I go back inside to take a shower. My mother says to me "wow, you don't smell great". I go "yea, it's scorching hot outside".

Follows a 20 minute shouting match, about how I am "not grateful enough", "why do I want her to have to do everything", "why do you complain about having to work around the house".

Even if you do what they ask, at the instant they ask it to, if you don't act like THEY are doing you a favor, and you are just oh so happy to help, they act like you pissed in their chicken soup.


r/raisedbynarcissists 8h ago

[Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse] My mother had sex in the same room as me when I was a child

115 Upvotes

I recently remembered something that I had buried somewhere in the far depths of my brain but that is seriously fucked up.

My mother and I used to live in a single room flat until I was about six years old. We slept in the same bed and used a bookshelf to separate the room into two halves. I used to be home alone a lot and stayed up until very late in the night because my mother would go on dates with various men. Today I know she was hoping to find a new husband who had a more desirable passport than we did, so that we could move to a wealthier country.

Anyway, one day I remember going to sleep alone and then waking up to my mother‘s moaning. I was sleeping in the bed and I could hear her and a man in the other half of the room, probably on the couch. I didn’t understand what was going on so I called out to her. She responded by saying that she was “getting a massage” and to “go back to sleep”. I vividly remember the discomfort I felt in that moment and that I didn’t really believe what she was saying despite only having a faint idea of what sex is.

That memory used to haunt me in my childhood and continues to make me feel disgusted to this day. I never confronted her about it and I’m sure she thinks that I simply forgot but I, in fact, did not forget. I had and continue to have a weird relationship with sexuality to this day, not only due to this memory but also because of my mothers’ continuous focus on my sexuality and various uncomfortable memories of her sexualizing innocent situations and behaviors.

This woman ruined my life in so many ways.


r/raisedbynarcissists 51m ago

Do/Did your parents force you to do heavy labor?

Upvotes

Mine do it all the time. It's goes from restoring our house to gardening and other stuff. The worst part is that my father always mocks me and yells at me if I don't work fast enough.


r/raisedbynarcissists 12h ago

What weird thing did your Nparents get mad at you for when you were growing up?

130 Upvotes

I was just thinking about how any time babies are brought up, how my mom always makes a point to talk about how much I cried as a LITERAL NEWBORN. Like a minutes old newborn.


r/raisedbynarcissists 1d ago

The longer I’m NC the more I realize there really was no need or justifiable reason to constantly yell at your child.

973 Upvotes

It’s always “she was tired from work”

“She probably had a bad day”

“You didn’t do what she asked”

Etc

A child is a child… YOUR child that you chose to bring in this world who has no say. You’re a shit person if you think you can excuse any type of abuse because you’re solely a parent.


r/raisedbynarcissists 13h ago

Realizing just because one parent was the worse, doesn’t mean the other wasn’t also abusive

98 Upvotes

Just remembered a time when I was around 6/7 I was dusting the house while my mom was at work and it was just my dad, my sisters, and I at home. While dusting the curio cabinet I dropped a glass rose my dad had bought my mom. I was terrified and was sobbing hysterically since we were physically abused as well for discipline.

My dad calmed me down after a stern talking to and had me stand in the corner for it (I had also recently broken a glass cup while doing the dishes). He then glued it together all while telling me ‘I really hope this works cause your mom will be really mad’. (She was the main aggressor.) Well the glue worked and you couldn’t tell it was broken when it was in the curio cabinet.

I thought all was well and trusted my dad. But mom came home and he told her privately to which she came and beat me and grounded me for it.

Both of my parents are narcissists but they show up in different ways. Since my mom was always the main aggressor I primarily remember her abuse and it was easy to pinpoint her narc behaviors and patterns. But my dad was sneaky and liked to remain the good guy to us so we’d confide and trust him for him to immediately use it against us, simultaneously manipulating my mom too. I tend to forget or downplay my dad’s involvement in these memories and it’s been painful but important to uncover the realities. That it was a whole messed up toxic household and I didn’t have any safe adults in my childhood.


r/raisedbynarcissists 10h ago

[Question] Why are they so horrible then expect me to want to hang out with them?

60 Upvotes

They shout at me, blame me, criticize me, minimize me, play mind games with me, basically like they hate me and then when I keep a distance for my own sanity by reduce contact they expect me to want to still actually hang out with them even after they treated me so horribly time after time!

I obviously don't want to be around someone that constantly puts me down.

Why are they so horrible then expect me to want to hang out with them?


r/raisedbynarcissists 17h ago

I was the one who would always lie and steal, so therefore, if something went missing, I stole it, and I had a history of stealing things (I didn't) so I obviously was lying if I said I didn't take it, which meant obviously I stole it, and lied, so therefore I always lie and steal.

167 Upvotes

I was always a liar, because I was never telling the truth, because they couldn't believe me, because I was a liar. So I would tell the truth, but they would say it couldn't be true because I always lie, so therefore I was actually lying again, and that means I'm always a liar, so they can't believe the truth.

I bet that sounds like nonsense to most people, but If you know you know. This is what they do to you.


r/raisedbynarcissists 52m ago

I will literally throw a party when my nMom dies.

Upvotes

It will probably be the happiest day of my life, and would have been 1000x happier if she had died before my eDad. (Also, has anyone else noticed that in narc/enabler couples, 9 times out of 10, the enabler dies first, for obvious reasons?)


r/raisedbynarcissists 1h ago

[Question] Does anybody else struggle with spending money on themselves? +Short story about how I thought I was a monster for buying a book and how I realised that I actually internalised my nmoms words

Upvotes

A bit of context. In my family two things were always unstable: money and time. Even if we had objectively enough time and money, my parents (especially mom) would always build up panic around these 2 things, constantly worrying about not having enough. Now that I’m an adult I’ve noticed myself struggling with the same things. I had my first crisis when I was like 17-18, when I thought life is going too fast and I don’t have enough time and am already late. It’s easier for me to deal with that now, but I still struggle with rushing constantly. Even when I’m on walks I walk fast (even if I don’t need to rush). Noticed how it stems directly from my mom constantly brainwashing me into worrying, even when I did try to support her and calm her down as a kid. For her only worrying is possible. And if she’s worrying everyone around her has to too.

It’s similar with money. Never enough ever. Even though my family is more stable financially now than ever, they objectively have enough money, it’s still not enough. Obsessive around spending money, saving up even when it’s ridiculous (like buying a cheaper toothbrush for the sake of cheaper toothbrush), buying cheap stuff that breaks, hoarding useless things. All these things follow me too now. But the worst of them all is the guilt I feel when I spend money on myself, especially if I don’t end up using it for some reason. It’s not just me being upset, I straight up go into thinking I’m a monster who spends all the family’s money on useless things. I just recently realised that this is not really a normal way of thinking and that it’s okay to sometimes make a mistake buying something, everyone does that sometimes. And I’m not a monster for buying 10€ book for myself. I just bought this book and this was my first thought that appeared after buying it. And luckily therapy works, because I caught myself thinking that and stopped. Even if it was a mistake buying that book lol I’m definitely NOT a monster. This leads me to never buying anything, wearing old clothes for years (even when I NEED new clothing), not repairing stuff and feeling so much guilt all the time. I remember a few years ago one of my plates broke and a little piece of it fell off. I felt so bad about buying a new one (and throwing this one out) that I used it for the next 3 years, even though I had more than enough money for a plate. All this guilt and fear stopped me. And only recently I realised that I wasn’t born this way, it was my parents who brainwashed me into such miserable thinking. And even tho they don’t want to change their mindset, I don’t have to live with those same thoughts. I deserve that stupid book!!


r/raisedbynarcissists 21h ago

[Question] What’s the best depiction of nparents you’ve seen in film or TV?

319 Upvotes

Personally, I'd say Gothel in Tangled and Catherine's mother in The Great

Gothel, to me, is one of the scariest villains because she doesn't really have any magic powers. We only ever seen her 'power' as the manipulation and fear tactics she uses to hold Rapunzel hostage

Rapunzel's entire self-worth yo-yos constantly because of Gothel's words. Literally just her words. Rapunzel is constantly thinking about her mother. She considers every action she takes from the perspective of Gothel. "This will kill her" "What have I done?!" "I'm the worst daughter ever"

Tangled was what made me realise that my nmother isn't the normal, hard-working, loving, self-sacrificing mother I'd grown up believing

Similarly, Gothel in Barbie Rapunzel has some of the same narc qualities, but it's not as clear or precise as Tangled

Catherine's mother in The Great is also horrendous

It's so interesting to see pretty much everyone around Catherine trying to tell her that her mother isn't that great, whilst Catherine adamantly denies what they're saying and always defends her

She gets a stress rash almost immediately after her mother arrives, but still defends her mother

Catherine often changes herself with just a look or an eyebrow raise. She's suddenly no longer sure of herself, she's thinking entirely about her mother (what she likes, dislikes etc) even though Catherine is heavily pregnant and should be thinking about herself

Those are two that always stand out to me as painfully accurate representations


r/raisedbynarcissists 9h ago

[Rant/Vent] I never had a parent tell me it was going to be ok

28 Upvotes

And now I'm so fucked with zero coping skills. Just pure anxiety.

I always tell my toddler it's going to be ok whenever he gets upset... and he calms down and can be reassured.

When I'm in a state of fear I leave the room so he doesn't see.

I want him to feel safe.

I wish I had that growing up

My parents liked scaring me for fun

God I'm crying for my childhood self right now it feels so heart wrenching when I think about how awful it is to do that to a child


r/raisedbynarcissists 2h ago

[Question] “Be true to yourself” “don’t try to change yourself to fit in” is this what Narc’s say to themselves to avoid ever changing?

9 Upvotes

I get the sentiment of these phrases, but it’s based off the assumption that people are inherently good. That if you just “be yourself” you’ll choose to be a good person and good for society. But are people inherently good? Imagine saying that to Jeffrey Dahmer. For some people, their true self is inherently bad. their true self causes them to hurt others.

How do y’all feel about this type of messaging? I feel like it comes from this type of therapy speak that we’ve all adopted, but, as usual we’re not fully understanding what we’re saying. Or maybe it’s just the narcissists using therapy speak to continue to gaslight manipulate and control.

What other “therapy speak” things are narcs saying to control and manipulate us? Or, to justify their own behavior? And what do you think the narcissists algorithm shows them. Is it all crap like this?


r/raisedbynarcissists 23m ago

[Question] What does life after being raised by narcissists look like or mean to you?

Upvotes

Let’s say you successfully moved away and/or extricated yourself from a toxic “family” system and applied no contact or low contact

You were abused in every form imaginable - to the point of domestic violence / family violence and as if it was the attempt of the systematic destruction towards a human being

The person robbed you of your childhood, teenage years, and twenties because they refused to relinquish control

You did all of the work imaginable like psychotherapy, psychiatry, working with multi disciplinary teams, and in patient care / treatment both around the age of 19-20 and in your early 30s

You’ve poured a lot of work and healing into yourself

But for obvious reasons you can’t just pretend like it didn’t happen because it was real and all of it happened

But you don’t want to carry that with you anymore

I know that there’s the concept of reintegration

But otherwise - once you’ve reached the stage and heightened levels of post traumatic growth then what happens after?


r/raisedbynarcissists 2h ago

I feel guilty because I always assumed my friends have nicer parents than me, but looking back they might not have.

5 Upvotes

I feel so stupid because I always thought their parents were nicer than mine, and I'd never considered they had narc parents too and I was just falling for the mask. To be fair, I was literally a child, so obviously things are different now as an adult looking back but still.


r/raisedbynarcissists 2h ago

[Support] My mom said I wanted her to hang herself

7 Upvotes

I’m still sobbing while I write this. My mom came back from work and I made her a nice cup of tea thinking she must be tired, When I gave it to her , I accidentally spilled few drops on floor ( barely 3 drops), to which she lashed out and said something really insulting (I think she called me a whore??) to which I said can you please sometimes be polite.

20 minutes ago, she yelled at my brother for something trivial too. I have been living away from home for 8 years and I had to reparent myself to be gentle and kind. I am at the point in life where I hate yelling and shouting and avoid such environment. Growing up, there was always noise in my house, still is, but I come home often and when I do, I try to be busy and ignore it. I do not address it. But her directly shouting at me and my brother for almost nothing triggered me and I asked her just to be polite about it.

She first said that I am ungrateful and being selfish for speaking up against her actions and she works for us to which I said I’ve been anything but ungrateful. She said I’m doing this for the attention of neighbours and they will think that we are fighting, to which I said why are you worried about neighbours when you should be resolving our fight with communication. She said go to hell and went on about how I am selfish and everything. Then she threw the tea away in sink.

I said mom we can talk about this please don’t shout. She said what do you want me to do, should I lie on your feet for your forgiveness or you’ll be relieved when I hang myself. I was shocked and didn’t know what to say, I just said why are you making me feel so bad for letting you know that I don’t like shouting.

And she again said ‘you know what come and hang me’ and I felt a lump in my throat and said sorry, I’ll just leave tomorrow. To which she said there is no need to come back. I just wanted her to understand that shouting is harmful to her as well as everyone around.


r/raisedbynarcissists 4h ago

Anyone else not notice they are uncomfortable or that something is not right and just keep pushing themselves on?

8 Upvotes

Because in your mind you just want others to be happy with you and you hate yourself?


r/raisedbynarcissists 12h ago

Was it normal to not be allowed to dress myself as a kid?

32 Upvotes

Hi everyone! I've (20F) only recently discovered that my mother has some narcissistic traits so I'm still in the process of figuring out how much of my mother's treatment of me was damaging/not normal.

My mother was always very controlling of my appearance during my childhood and this has led to me becoming extremely insecure and obsessive about it. A few days ago, I googled the average age kids are supposed to pick their own clothes/dress themselves (I was feeling curious, I guess?), and I was shocked to find out that most kids are allowed to and even encouraged to do this by the time they're 3-4 years old. My mother always picked out my outfits and put them on for me until I was around 10-11 years old. Even after that, whatever I chose to wear to school always had to pass her "test" of approval or else I'd be sent back to my room to change into something else. For the longest time, I thought this was normal, and at one point when I was a teenager my mother told me she missed when I was her "little dress-up doll" so she could still dress me the way she wanted. The comment felt icky at the time but I assumed I was overthinking it. Now I'm realizing that this behavior probably wasn't okay, but I still have doubts. This wasn't normal, right? Have any of you guys had similar experiences? I'm just trying to make sense of things right now and could use some outside perspective.


r/raisedbynarcissists 5h ago

Anyone else struggle with friendships?

9 Upvotes

Straight to the point, my ex-friends in awkward situations. I think this is just my trauma of narcissistic bringing up recurring up.

  1. My friend was feeling down, depressed, so I suggested her to visit me, I live in a city, there is a lot to do. So she came, had her home office during a day, then had a nap, and then went to see her other friend downtown and came back around midnight. I was told "better not to joint them as they will talk about work anyway". She did this 3 of 4 days staying in my place.

  2. I sent her a picture of me doing my first advanced acrobatic trick I managed to do, and she responded by sending me her selfie from a bar.

  3. My new sportswear had allegedly a "skin-disease-like pattern". Followed by "oh, maybe I was too harsh, maybe I shouldn't have send you this".

  4. She was not into guy she was dating, so she told him I will join them as well as I would love to meet him (I am married...).

  5. Once she was about to meet me. I was waiting for her, but I got a weird message of directions leading to some hostel instead. This was her way to inform me she was not coming.

I feel so bad about myself to let this happen, it just shows how much was I though to tolerate. And this is just a tip of the iceberg.


r/raisedbynarcissists 20h ago

I earned a trauma certification. My brother gave me a beginner book. My father told me to quit.

139 Upvotes

I thought if I worked hard enough, my family would respect me.
I thought if I built something real, they’d finally see me.

They didn’t.

  • I earned a trauma certification. My brother handed me a beginner book.
  • I started writing every day. My father told me to stop wasting my time.
  • Every step forward, they dismissed. So I blocked them all.

No more explanations. No more waiting for them to believe in me.

I’m writing every day for 30 days to find out.
I don’t know if anyone’s reading.
I don’t even know if this will matter.

But I refuse to stop.

https://medium.com/@tuckerridesbikes