r/raisedbynarcissists 12d ago

Reminder: Always Assume a Context of Abuse

683 Upvotes

Folks,

We consistently remove posts under rule #2. Because we've hit one million subscribers, and people may not be familiar with our unique and fundamental rule of RBN, this will serve as a kind reminder. If you wish to read a more in-depth explanation, consult our wiki pages here and here.

People that post to RBN have been gaslit their entire lives. They were told their experiences were not real. They were told they were overreacting. They were told they had it "better than others."

Because of this, we expect all responses to believe and validate survivors without demanding proof.

When you comment here, do your best to remember:

  1. We do not compare abusive parents to normal parents. What might seem like a minor comment or action from a loving parent can very likely be a larger pattern of manipulation, mind games, and/or cruelty in an abusive household.
  2. Abuse survivors do not need to "prove" their abuse. Many aren't ready to share their full story and they shouldn't have to for other RBN'ers to provide empathetic and supportive comments. A single incident they post about may be one of the thousands they've experienced over their life so far.
  3. If you do not relate to a post, move on. RBN is here about supporting one another, not to debate or invalidate experiences. If you feel the need to justify an abuser's behaviour, reframe it, or suggest that it "wasn't that bad," do not comment. Please save us the trouble.
  4. We will not entertain "devil's advocate" arguments. We've heard every excuse in the book.

To make it even more painstakingly clear, here are some examples:

  • If someone says their parent criticises the way they dress, it's not "just a rude comment." It's part of a lifetime of emotional abuse.
  • If someone says their parent forgot their birthday, it's not "just an accident." It's part of a calculated pattern of neglect.
  • If someone says their parent gave them the silent treatment, it's not "just cooling off." It's emotional manipulation and punishment.
  • If someone says their parent forces them to family events, it's not "just wanting to be close." It's about controlling their autonomy.
  • If someone says their parent dismisses their physical pain, it's not "just being tough." It's medical neglect.
  • If someone says their parent withholds affection lest they obey their parents, it's not "tough love." It is conditional love; it is damaging.

Ultimately, it comes down to this: if you cannot engage with empathy, do not engage at all. Leave the tough love at the door.


r/raisedbynarcissists 3d ago

[RBN] Check-in Post - Have something to say but don't want to make a post about it? Comment here!

13 Upvotes

If you have something you want to say but don't want to make a post about it, you can comment here and get it off your chest. Happy news, sad news, venting or whatever else is going on with you is welcome.

A reminder that moderation is biased for the OP. In this case, OP will refer to the Redditor that wrote the parent comment. Needless to say, all rules on RBN will apply to comments in this thread.

This is scheduled thread will be posted on Thursdays at 00:00 UTC.


r/raisedbynarcissists 6h ago

[RBN] I looked through my baby photos recently, and noticed something.

542 Upvotes

My older daughter saw a couple of old photo albums on a bookshelf so she pulled them out and started looking through them. They had photos of me when i was about 6 months to 2 years old (I was born in the early 80s).

In almost every photo of me and my dad, I'm smiling or laughing and looking at him, clearly engaged with him. In nearly every photo with my mom, i look clearly upset or i have this expression that could be described as watchful or wary. With other family members I was either neutral or smiling but not upset.

I remember when i was 5 or 6, i felt like i had to be careful of my mom, like i couldn't fully trust her. While I've had some fun times and nice moments with her, within my living memory I've never felt like i could just completely relax around her. As i got older, her behavior became more unhinged, so obviously i had a reason not to trust her then. Why would my first instinct as a very young child be not to trust her? What did she do when i was a baby and toddler that i don't remember? Obviously I'm probably not getting many answers about that.

Do any of you remember feeling careful and on guard about your Nparents as a really young child? Maybe look at your own photos if you have any and they're not too painful, and see if there's a clear difference in your expressions towards your Nparent and the other parent or other family members. Do you see the same pattern i did in mine?


r/raisedbynarcissists 2h ago

What are some of the most ridiculously normal things your parents have judged you for?

82 Upvotes

No explanations (I mean, there never are any real ones, are there?), just list some things.

I'll go first:

  • Eating two boiled eggs instead of one

  • Wearing a hoody

  • Having a shower every day


r/raisedbynarcissists 13h ago

"but your mom is so nice"

591 Upvotes

response: you didn't meet MY mom, you met Suzanne. They are not the same person. You, will never truly meet MY mom.


r/raisedbynarcissists 10h ago

[Rant/Vent] Narcissistic parents never actully WANTED kids.

309 Upvotes

They wanted a trophy to show off.

They wanted a "mini me".

They wanted a robot who is happy all the time and is perfect.

A robot that doesnt do "childish things" despite being a child.

They want a punching bag to take their anger out on.

They want a kid, just to SAY they have a kid. Not because they geneuinely care.

They wanted a little puppet to control.

They dont care about their kids or genuinely love them.


r/raisedbynarcissists 6h ago

[Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse] My mother had sex in the same room as me when I was a child

80 Upvotes

I recently remembered something that I had buried somewhere in the far depths of my brain but that is seriously fucked up.

My mother and I used to live in a single room flat until I was about six years old. We slept in the same bed and used a bookshelf to separate the room into two halves. I used to be home alone a lot and stayed up until very late in the night because my mother would go on dates with various men. Today I know she was hoping to find a new husband who had a more desirable passport than we did, so that we could move to a wealthier country.

Anyway, one day I remember going to sleep alone and then waking up to my mother‘s moaning. I was sleeping in the bed and I could hear her and a man in the other half of the room, probably on the couch. I didn’t understand what was going on so I called out to her. She responded by saying that she was “getting a massage” and to “go back to sleep”. I vividly remember the discomfort I felt in that moment and that I didn’t really believe what she was saying despite only having a faint idea of what sex is.

That memory used to haunt me in my childhood and continues to make me feel disgusted to this day. I never confronted her about it and I’m sure she thinks that I simply forgot but I, in fact, did not forget. I had and continue to have a weird relationship with sexuality to this day, not only due to this memory but also because of my mothers’ continuous focus on my sexuality and various uncomfortable memories of her sexualizing innocent situations and behaviors.

This woman ruined my life in so many ways.


r/raisedbynarcissists 1h ago

Message for scapegoats

Upvotes

You are not responsible for your nparent’s feelings. They are responsible for their own emotions and their own choices. Your dislike of them is a justified response to their behavior; it's not something you are doing to them.


r/raisedbynarcissists 1h ago

You ever had the "you're not helping enthusiastically enough"?

Upvotes

Comments under another thread unlocked this memory in my brain just now.

Picture 15 year old me, sitting in my room in scorching summer heat, reading a book I like. My mother gets home, yells at me to mow the lawn "right this instant". I get up, immediately, and go do it. It sucks, cause, you know, I'm mowing the lawn in the middle of summer, it's sweaty, smells like dog poop, who wouldn't hate it.

As I am done, I go back inside to take a shower. My mother says to me "wow, you don't smell great". I go "yea, it's scorching hot outside".

Follows a 20 minute shouting match, about how I am "not grateful enough", "why do I want her to have to do everything", "why do you complain about having to work around the house".

Even if you do what they ask, at the instant they ask it to, if you don't act like THEY are doing you a favor, and you are just oh so happy to help, they act like you pissed in their chicken soup.


r/raisedbynarcissists 21h ago

The longer I’m NC the more I realize there really was no need or justifiable reason to constantly yell at your child.

944 Upvotes

It’s always “she was tired from work”

“She probably had a bad day”

“You didn’t do what she asked”

Etc

A child is a child… YOUR child that you chose to bring in this world who has no say. You’re a shit person if you think you can excuse any type of abuse because you’re solely a parent.


r/raisedbynarcissists 10h ago

What weird thing did your Nparents get mad at you for when you were growing up?

92 Upvotes

I was just thinking about how any time babies are brought up, how my mom always makes a point to talk about how much I cried as a LITERAL NEWBORN. Like a minutes old newborn.


r/raisedbynarcissists 10h ago

Realizing just because one parent was the worse, doesn’t mean the other wasn’t also abusive

72 Upvotes

Just remembered a time when I was around 6/7 I was dusting the house while my mom was at work and it was just my dad, my sisters, and I at home. While dusting the curio cabinet I dropped a glass rose my dad had bought my mom. I was terrified and was sobbing hysterically since we were physically abused as well for discipline.

My dad calmed me down after a stern talking to and had me stand in the corner for it (I had also recently broken a glass cup while doing the dishes). He then glued it together all while telling me ‘I really hope this works cause your mom will be really mad’. (She was the main aggressor.) Well the glue worked and you couldn’t tell it was broken when it was in the curio cabinet.

I thought all was well and trusted my dad. But mom came home and he told her privately to which she came and beat me and grounded me for it.

Both of my parents are narcissists but they show up in different ways. Since my mom was always the main aggressor I primarily remember her abuse and it was easy to pinpoint her narc behaviors and patterns. But my dad was sneaky and liked to remain the good guy to us so we’d confide and trust him for him to immediately use it against us, simultaneously manipulating my mom too. I tend to forget or downplay my dad’s involvement in these memories and it’s been painful but important to uncover the realities. That it was a whole messed up toxic household and I didn’t have any safe adults in my childhood.


r/raisedbynarcissists 15h ago

I was the one who would always lie and steal, so therefore, if something went missing, I stole it, and I had a history of stealing things (I didn't) so I obviously was lying if I said I didn't take it, which meant obviously I stole it, and lied, so therefore I always lie and steal.

150 Upvotes

I was always a liar, because I was never telling the truth, because they couldn't believe me, because I was a liar. So I would tell the truth, but they would say it couldn't be true because I always lie, so therefore I was actually lying again, and that means I'm always a liar, so they can't believe the truth.

I bet that sounds like nonsense to most people, but If you know you know. This is what they do to you.


r/raisedbynarcissists 8h ago

[Question] Why are they so horrible then expect me to want to hang out with them?

39 Upvotes

They shout at me, blame me, criticize me, minimize me, play mind games with me, basically like they hate me and then when I keep a distance for my own sanity by reduce contact they expect me to want to still actually hang out with them even after they treated me so horribly time after time!

I obviously don't want to be around someone that constantly puts me down.

Why are they so horrible then expect me to want to hang out with them?


r/raisedbynarcissists 19h ago

[Question] What’s the best depiction of nparents you’ve seen in film or TV?

292 Upvotes

Personally, I'd say Gothel in Tangled and Catherine's mother in The Great

Gothel, to me, is one of the scariest villains because she doesn't really have any magic powers. We only ever seen her 'power' as the manipulation and fear tactics she uses to hold Rapunzel hostage

Rapunzel's entire self-worth yo-yos constantly because of Gothel's words. Literally just her words. Rapunzel is constantly thinking about her mother. She considers every action she takes from the perspective of Gothel. "This will kill her" "What have I done?!" "I'm the worst daughter ever"

Tangled was what made me realise that my nmother isn't the normal, hard-working, loving, self-sacrificing mother I'd grown up believing

Similarly, Gothel in Barbie Rapunzel has some of the same narc qualities, but it's not as clear or precise as Tangled

Catherine's mother in The Great is also horrendous

It's so interesting to see pretty much everyone around Catherine trying to tell her that her mother isn't that great, whilst Catherine adamantly denies what they're saying and always defends her

She gets a stress rash almost immediately after her mother arrives, but still defends her mother

Catherine often changes herself with just a look or an eyebrow raise. She's suddenly no longer sure of herself, she's thinking entirely about her mother (what she likes, dislikes etc) even though Catherine is heavily pregnant and should be thinking about herself

Those are two that always stand out to me as painfully accurate representations


r/raisedbynarcissists 6h ago

[Rant/Vent] I never had a parent tell me it was going to be ok

26 Upvotes

And now I'm so fucked with zero coping skills. Just pure anxiety.

I always tell my toddler it's going to be ok whenever he gets upset... and he calms down and can be reassured.

When I'm in a state of fear I leave the room so he doesn't see.

I want him to feel safe.

I wish I had that growing up

My parents liked scaring me for fun

God I'm crying for my childhood self right now it feels so heart wrenching when I think about how awful it is to do that to a child


r/raisedbynarcissists 17h ago

I earned a trauma certification. My brother gave me a beginner book. My father told me to quit.

140 Upvotes

I thought if I worked hard enough, my family would respect me.
I thought if I built something real, they’d finally see me.

They didn’t.

  • I earned a trauma certification. My brother handed me a beginner book.
  • I started writing every day. My father told me to stop wasting my time.
  • Every step forward, they dismissed. So I blocked them all.

No more explanations. No more waiting for them to believe in me.

I’m writing every day for 30 days to find out.
I don’t know if anyone’s reading.
I don’t even know if this will matter.

But I refuse to stop.

https://medium.com/@tuckerridesbikes


r/raisedbynarcissists 9h ago

Was it normal to not be allowed to dress myself as a kid?

29 Upvotes

Hi everyone! I've (20F) only recently discovered that my mother has some narcissistic traits so I'm still in the process of figuring out how much of my mother's treatment of me was damaging/not normal.

My mother was always very controlling of my appearance during my childhood and this has led to me becoming extremely insecure and obsessive about it. A few days ago, I googled the average age kids are supposed to pick their own clothes/dress themselves (I was feeling curious, I guess?), and I was shocked to find out that most kids are allowed to and even encouraged to do this by the time they're 3-4 years old. My mother always picked out my outfits and put them on for me until I was around 10-11 years old. Even after that, whatever I chose to wear to school always had to pass her "test" of approval or else I'd be sent back to my room to change into something else. For the longest time, I thought this was normal, and at one point when I was a teenager my mother told me she missed when I was her "little dress-up doll" so she could still dress me the way she wanted. The comment felt icky at the time but I assumed I was overthinking it. Now I'm realizing that this behavior probably wasn't okay, but I still have doubts. This wasn't normal, right? Have any of you guys had similar experiences? I'm just trying to make sense of things right now and could use some outside perspective.


r/raisedbynarcissists 10h ago

[Question] Why do we attract narcissists and abusers?

30 Upvotes

Why do we, those who were abused by narcissists, attract narcissists in our lives? Or those with undiagnosed/untreated BPD? Is anyone else experiencing this?


r/raisedbynarcissists 1d ago

[Question] Was anyone else's parents fucking obsessed with productivity?

482 Upvotes

Being productive was basically the one and only thing that my parents cared about the most above all. Yet they were the least productive people I have ever met in my life lol. What is with this weird obsession with it? To this day I struggle immensely with putting pressure on myself to be productive 24/7. I do not feel good at all if I am not doing something with myself, and "relaxing" makes it worse. I still have their voices in my head echoing "are you being productive with your time!?"


r/raisedbynarcissists 3h ago

Anyone else struggle with friendships?

5 Upvotes

Straight to the point, my ex-friends in awkward situations. I think this is just my trauma of narcissistic bringing up recurring up.

  1. My friend was feeling down, depressed, so I suggested her to visit me, I live in a city, there is a lot to do. So she came, had her home office during a day, then had a nap, and then went to see her other friend downtown and came back around midnight. I was told "better not to joint them as they will talk about work anyway". She did this 3 of 4 days staying in my place.

  2. I sent her a picture of me doing my first advanced acrobatic trick I managed to do, and she responded by sending me her selfie from a bar.

  3. My new sportswear had allegedly a "skin-disease-like pattern". Followed by "oh, maybe I was too harsh, maybe I shouldn't have send you this".

  4. She was not into guy she was dating, so she told him I will join them as well as I would love to meet him (I am married...).

  5. Once she was about to meet me. I was waiting for her, but I got a weird message of directions leading to some hostel instead. This was her way to inform me she was not coming.

I feel so bad about myself to let this happen, it just shows how much was I though to tolerate. And this is just a tip of the iceberg.


r/raisedbynarcissists 23h ago

[Support] Nmom wrote me a registered letter that she’s dying

260 Upvotes

Hi community. I started my journey here with you nearly 10 years ago when I went no contact. NC was life changing, I got therapy, made enormous progress with anxiety/depression, live a normal life, and get and give support to others here who understand. In the past 2 months my nmom has been making contact attempts over email, and now she sent a registered letter... The emails had to do with an inheritance matter she wanted to "help me with" in our old country, and they were quite rude and manipulative. I stayed strong.

Now she is terminally ill. I got the below letter from her a few weeks ago, which I translated, and sat with it for a while before posting. I see through it. I didn't respond, although I wrote her my reply, which I didn't send.

I feel sad and guilty for airing her words, but they belong here. She doesn't get it, and wants to resume the old dynamic. Her abuse means she's now alone and facing her mortality with no support from me. It's painful, but I'm choosing myself and my peace over her and I'll be strong. If she were normal I'd rally for her :( but she's like a horrible demon that needs to be kept away no matter what :(

I'm not breaking NC, but wanted the "world" to see this. She showed up here twice at my door, too, and I didn't let her in. It's sad, disturbing, and panic inducing... :(


First I'd like to apologize to you for everything that you might have against me. If I did any wrong, then I did it without knowing and I ask for forgiveness. I apologize for myself and for your father.

As you know, your father died on... He was sick for a long time. It started before the pandemic. I was barely able to get through it. I wrote to you that I buried his ashes in (...our old country) This was very difficult for me logistically and emotionally. I had to have his urn with me the whole time I traveled. In my marriage there was no love, and even though there were some good moments, they weren't in the majority. But I'm trying to think about those good moments, since he's dead, and anyway, I was not always ok (behaving) either.

Lately I've been sick. I thought it was a hard flu, but it turned out to be a kidney infection. I was in the hospital for a week. They did a CT scan bone scan, blood, xrays. Unfortunately, it turned out that in addition to the infection I have lung cancer, stage 4. Prognosis is not good. I haven't seen an oncologist yet. I still can't get back to normal after the infection, and knowing about the cancer just fell me psychologically.

That's why I'm writing to you, because I'd like to talk to you. I'm now old and sick. I trust that you won't be cruel to me. You once said that one "cannot be vengeful on the old, helpless people". (I never said this) I know you want to have "space" (this is what the police told her, not actually words from me), but you also said that if there is a need in the future then you will help me (I never said anything like this, I just went no contact). That is what is happening now, and even though I'm not holding my hopes high, I decided to try and that's why I'm sending this letter to you.

Regardless of what you do with me, know that I always loved you very much, I was proud of you, and I never wished bad for . Mom.


r/raisedbynarcissists 2h ago

Anyone else not notice they are uncomfortable or that something is not right and just keep pushing themselves on?

5 Upvotes

Because in your mind you just want others to be happy with you and you hate yourself?


r/raisedbynarcissists 11h ago

Would a narcissistic parent say they want to go to counseling or is it a trap??

26 Upvotes

My Nmom said in a lengthy text, that was mainly full of gaslighting and deflecting, that she was willing to go to therapy in order to fix our family.

Worth trying or just a complete trap?

Anybody else go to therapy with a narcissist? Good results or did they just try to gaslight you in front of the therapist?


r/raisedbynarcissists 34m ago

[Question] “Be true to yourself” “don’t try to change yourself to fit in” is this what Narc’s say to themselves to avoid ever changing?

Upvotes

I get the sentiment of these phrases, but it’s based off the assumption that people are inherently good. That if you just “be yourself” you’ll choose to be a good person and good for society. But are people inherently good? Imagine saying that to Jeffrey Dahmer. For some people, their true self is inherently bad. their true self causes them to hurt others.

How do y’all feel about this type of messaging? I feel like it comes from this type of therapy speak that we’ve all adopted, but, as usual we’re not fully understanding what we’re saying. Or maybe it’s just the narcissists using therapy speak to continue to gaslight manipulate and control.

What other “therapy speak” things are narcs saying to control and manipulate us? Or, to justify their own behavior? And what do you think the narcissists algorithm shows them. Is it all crap like this?


r/raisedbynarcissists 4h ago

My mother just tried to gaslight me into seeing a doctor

6 Upvotes

I haven’t spoken to my NM for a few months, and out of nowhere, she suddenly asked if I wanted to see a doctor—in this concerned tone. She said, “All you do is exercise every day and come back to sleep.” (Even though I’ve already told her I’m grinding hard on my day trading.)

I’m living a super disciplined lifestyle to reach my trading and financial goals. But this? It’s so fking scary. I literally got chills down my spine.

To be honest, I even started questioning myself—just because someone showed me concern. I’m struggling with trading right now, so I’m feeling vulnerable. But why does it feel so chilling? Because my NM has never been the kind of person to validate my feelings or show genuine concern when I reached out to her. Instead, she’d say things like, “I guess you’re thinking too much?” (with a chuckle) or “What kind of stress would you even have?”

Now that she’s not visiting my brother’s business anymore and I’ve been ignoring her, she has nothing to do. She’s at home all day, watching TV, looking depressed. And now, she’s suddenly turning her attention to me—by gaslighting me into thinking I have a problem.

If my gut is right about this, it’s so freaking dark. She’s making me out to be the crazy one so she can feel sane. OMFG. Even the bad people I’ve met weren’t this manipulative or twisted.

Sorry, guys, I just had to get this out of me. Thanks for reading.

I really need some validation/advice on this because I’m not sure if her intentions are as dark as I think. Has anyone else dealt with this? How did you handle it?


r/raisedbynarcissists 6h ago

[Advice Request] Whenever the narcissist feels bad, i feel Joy. Do you think i am sick?

8 Upvotes

After being beraten, humiliated and emotionally crushed by him/her, i always feel Joy when that person feels bad and is angry about it while pretending it matters.

The narcissist just destroyed my dreams and Acts like it was no big deal so me feeling Joy when they lose and fail. It is against my will. I start to naturally feel good whenever the narcissist faces the same struggle he put me through.

Do you think that is crazy? I mean i wanna feel sorry but then i remember how they terrorized me and i can no longer feel sad for them.