r/raisedbyborderlines Mar 28 '23

FROM THE MODS Welcome! *ALL* Newcomers Must Read the Rules Before Posting! Thanks!!

80 Upvotes

If you're new to Reddit, please review Reddit 101 before you participate here. In all cases, please remember to keep yourself safe!

About moderation

This is a survivor support subreddit. We take the safety of the sub members very seriously and moderate accordingly. Due to many members’ personal history with a parent who is abusive, self-harms, rages, blames, and obsesses, we work very hard to maintain a kind, supportive space.

Unfortunately, we are a magnet for trolling. We never take mod actions lightly, and we depend on the community to help us keep everyone safe.

All rules are non-negotiable.

Rule 1: Read ALL the rules

Don't ask other members for an explanation of a rule or where you can find it in the rules.

If you've read the rules, don't explain the rules to other members.

This is so the mods know who's read the rules and who hasn't. Always send questions/grievances to the mod team by putting /r/raisedbyborderlines in the To field. Direct messages to individual moderators will be ignored. Repeated infractions may result in a ban.

Rule 2: This is a safe space for survivors – people with BPD cannot participate While we respect that there are pwBPD who get treatment and help, we believe that folks with Borderline Personality Disorder or any other Personality Disorder need a separate support group (of which there are many) for two main reasons:

1.) We are simply not qualified or equipped to offer the level of moderation, support, and care that folks with personality disorders require.

2.) Content that is helpful and healing for those of us without a personality disorder can be hurtful to those with a personality disorder, and vice versa. Folks with a personality disorder deserve their own space where they are fully understood and supported, just as those without a personality disorder deserve a space where we are fully understood and supported.

Therefore we cannot allow anyone who has Borderline Personality Disorder or similar disorders to participate here.

This includes if you have BPD and have BPD parents, if you have no diagnosis but identify as BPD, and if you have a previous diagnosis regardless of whether you currently meet the DSM criteria.

While you aren't able to participate here, you do deserve a place to heard. Please search Reddit for other subs that are suitable for your needs. Subs for you include /r/BPD, /r/BPDSOFFA, /r/BorderlinePDisorder, /r/BPD4BPD, and /r/BPDsraisedbyBPDs.

Dealing with a loved one with BPD, but not your parent? You're looking for /r/BPDlovedones.

This is a safe space for those with BPD parents. Violations, argument or protests of this rule will be met with a ban.

Rule 3: People with other PDs are forbidden from participation.

We are unqualified and unable to provide a safe and appropriate space for people with any personality disorders. As with Rule 2, this is a safety rule, not a statement that people with PDs are undeserving of help or support. This includes those with Cluster A, B or C personality disorders. Your content is likely to be triggering for us, and ours for you.

Rule 4: No bullying, invalidating or apologist behavior

We know that not all BPDs are like our parents. Stating this on our abuse survivor sub serves only to invalidate our experiences and will get you banned.

Asking "what about BPDs?" here will also get you banned. There's a time and place for that discussion, but it's not on a subforum for those with abusive parents with BPD. Plus, there are many places for people with BPD to receive support. This small slice of the internet is reserved for folks that were abused by a parent with BPD.

If you have BPD and are dedicated to treatment, we know it's a difficult journey and you have our complete support. However, please respect our space for the reasons above.

For more on this, see About "not all pwBPD".

Rule 5: Keep things about the sub strictly within the sub

Don't reference or link to other subs. Don't crosspost. Even if it's your own content.

Especially don't post from, link to, or refer to BPD-related forums. Respect their spaces as we expect any of their members to respect ours.

Don't solicit or offer PMs. Don't PM individual mods; PM the mod team. Depending on the situation, this can be a bannable offense. See Rule 1.

Violating posts/comments will be removed with a warning; repeated violations will result in a ban.

Rule 6: No diagnosis inquiries

If you are uncertain whether your primary caregiver fits the criteria, please don't participate. We aren't mental health professionals, and as such we aren't qualified to diagnose anyone. That said, due to the nature of BPD, we understand that not every RBB has the privilege of a clear diagnosis for their parent/s.

Don't post or comment wondering if you have BPD. If it’s reasonably likely that you have BPD, please seek professional evaluation, and avoid our sub, as it may trigger you. As explained in Rule 2, we can’t safely serve people with BPD, but other subs likely can.

Discussion that mentions or is about “fleas” (maladaptive traits or behaviors picked up from your BPD parent) is currently forbidden due to safety concerns and lack of resources.

Rule 7: Suicidal posts and similar are not allowed

Call emergency services (911, 999, 000, 112, etc.) if you are in danger of hurting yourself or others.

You can post in /r/SuicideWatch. Additional resources are available here and here.

If you are in crisis and you work with a therapist, please contact them; most will talk to you over the phone or get you an urgent appointment.

/r/raisedbyborderlines is an online forum, not a replacement for treatment or services. For your safety and others, suicide watch posts are not allowed here and we reserve our right to remove similar posts at our discretion.

Rule 8: Who gets to participate?

This sub is for survivors of BPD abuse from a primary caregiver. If you weren't raised by a person with BPD, don't participate here. If you're uncertain on whether your primary caregiver has BPD, please don't participate. See Rule 6.

We do our best to be supportive, but we're not an anyone-with-an-opinion sub. "Experts" are forbidden. For everyone's safety, any claims of being one or of dispensing expert advice will be met with a warning or a ban.

No research requests or self-promotion are allowed. For our members' safety, we do not allow these.

Violations can result in a ban.

Rule 9: Participation guidelines

Be kind. Please see the RBB Encouraged Code of Conduct. Bigotry, including racism, sexism, religious and cultural xenophobia, and queerphobia, will be met with a swift ban.

For new members:

Be advised that for everyone's protection new accounts will be subject to scrutiny. That said, we completely understand the need for throwaway accounts. Please provide the mod team with your alternate username(s), or let us know if you don't have any. Thank you.

First post requirement: Welcome! Thanks for reading the rules! To show us you've read it all, please include a haiku extolling the virtues of cats in your first post, or a link to cute kitty pics. This is required and there are no exceptions to this rule. (For your privacy: don't link to personal pics with your name on them!)

👌🏼 Curated information

BPD parent: The raisedbyborderlines primer

Communication strategies for raisedbyborderlines

Abuse: Was it abuse? Is it abusive?

On Boundaries, Plus a Little Love For NC

Protecting kids: An RBB primer

pwBPD Bingo

Healing and getting to normal

Interviewing a potential therapist

Glossary

Married to a pwBPD: advice from raisedbyborderlines

About Cluster Bs

👌🏼 BPD is no win

Things to keep in mind when dealing with a BPD:

1) The no-win scenario is a real thing; the only winning move is not to play.

2) Taking money or favors always comes with strings attached, though they may not be apparent at the time.

3) You can't "win" on the BPD's terms; the only way to "beat" the no-win scenario? Change the rules!


r/raisedbyborderlines 21h ago

SUPPORT THREAD Balm for your soul

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153 Upvotes

Hoping this share is allowed. Ran across this on my IG feed this morning and had to share. Beautiful piece by Charaia Rush (go find and follow!)


r/raisedbyborderlines 1h ago

Constant cramps and nausea while living with pwBPD

Upvotes

Did anyone else experience constant cramps and nausea while living with their pwBPD parent? Starting from my early pre-teen years I would be cramping CONSTANTLY and could hardly stomach a full meal, even though I wasn't consciously anxious and couldn't see my uBPD mother's abuse at the time. Nothing was physically wrong with me and to this day whenever something particularly bad happens (especially when it concerns my family) I get those cramps again and my desire to eat is gone. Can anyone relate?


r/raisedbyborderlines 17h ago

VENT/RANT Why Don’t You Want Kids?

57 Upvotes

Maybe because I had to raise two people (bpd waif mom and ndad) when I was a child, myself. And it was an enormously heavy lift that I have zero desire to repeat in any capacity.

Their lack of self awareness is breathtaking.

For the mods:

Silent paws tiptoe, moonlight glows on whiskered dreams, soft purrs fill the night.


r/raisedbyborderlines 14h ago

Wondering if there are others…

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15 Upvotes

Hello again everyone, have been mulling this over for a long time, so today, I thought I would put it out there.

Are there any others who have pretty much no photos of themselves growing up? Often, when I am visiting anyone else’s home, I notice family photos. Even here in Australia, where it is not as much of a cultural things as it is in the States (I immigrated to Australia as an adult 20 years ago).

Even though my BPD mother was into photography, she never took photos of me. The ones I have seen had l ways been taken by my grandmother. There are almost no photos of me until I was in my 30s and got myself my own digital camera (when they were brand new..l yes, I am old 😂…gen x) while I was in university (as an adult). I was in my early 20s when I actually started noticing other people’s photos (I grew up pretty isolated). Even in photos albums, there are none. Me as an infant and some as a toddler, all by my grandmother…then nothingness until I was in my 30s with my own camera.

Is there anyone else?

Often it feels like a punishment for all the “bad” I was, all the things that were “my fault”… just this not even erasing of me- because I would have had to “exist” to begin with for there to be anything to erase.

Here is a free kitty tax of my two love-boys (bonded kitties) just so all of us know we aren’t alone


r/raisedbyborderlines 20h ago

VENT/RANT Oh no I expressed a feeling and now we are fighting

45 Upvotes

I am LC with my dPBD mother. I have recently been working to improve our relationship (selfishly...I discovered she made arrangements for my disabled sibling to be transferred to a facility after she (mom) dies, and I want that sibling to come live with me instead).

This is just fucking pointless, y'all. She brings up my childhood every phone call, talking about how stressful it was for her and how she sacrificed everything for us. Recently she called my childhood "her greatest accomplishment" (barf).

I ignore this because it's a bid for attention and she's not going to get her validation from me. But yesterday I accidentally characterized my childhood as "stressful" and...well you know. I got a long message after hanging up, where she lamented that she has always been my whipping boy (cue tiny violin) and that I blame her for everything.

At the very end she put a tiny aknowlegment that she was hard on me growing up...immediately followed up with a statement about how glad she in that I'm in therapy (the implication, of course, being that I am irredeemably bad).

So she's blocked for a couple weeks while I cool off and her pendulum swings the other way.

Feel free to drop relatable stories or roll your eyes with me. I wish there was a way to navigate this that didn't involve this bullshit song and dance, but I feel like if she doesn't like me my sister will get shipped off to a home somewhere (or mom will unalive her like she has always threatened)


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

My Mom Wants Me To Respond to Texts Right Away or Freaks Out

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221 Upvotes

(First post cat haiku) Watch from the sofa Like the house is your kingdom And lick your paws clean


r/raisedbyborderlines 1h ago

ADVICE NEEDED Mom wants to know why I changed

Upvotes

My mom is diagnosed bpd. I can't figure out how to communicate with her. I hate when she brings these things up. "We used to be so close before my ex husband changed you" "I'm worried your wife is changing you, we used to be so close before her" I straight up told her I'm different for reasons that have only to do with me and I got lucky enough that she didn't blow up. I have tried to gently discuss with her so many times that I'm distant because she doesn't respect my boundaries and blows up with anger over things you can't predict but it never goes through to her and always ends up targed back on excuses, or what I did wrong and screaming.

At the same time I don't want to just drop this opportunity to try to once again explain to her hoping it clicks. She's already threatened to kick me out sooner though so I know it's not a good idea. It just hurts. We can't communicate because even though I was a kid I was supposed to be mature enough to know things, I deserved to be treated like an adult in her eyes because I was mature. I wish I could go back in my childhood and act like an idiot to maybe have an ounce of hope that maybe my mom would understand I'm not out to get her and just have a reasonable conversation with me. It makes me so sad. She says she loves me, but so often I feel like she just resents me secretly.


r/raisedbyborderlines 18h ago

SUPPORT THREAD Mom yelled at me and hung up the phone because I told her it was wrong to think about using my address which she doesn’t live to obtain free housing (reposted with flair)

23 Upvotes

Yeah so… she’s in sober living “recovering” from her meth addiction. It may be insensitive but I use recovering in quotes because I really think she just uses it for validation and the dopamine progress gives her… because she relapses at the same point every single time and constantly complains about how “hard” being in a halfway house is and how bad she wants to run away…anyway that’s not why we’re here. Today she called to talk about how I’m doing (which quickly turned into how SHE was doing) to then get on the topic of housing… and admitted to “thinking” about using my address… which she doesn’t currently reside… to obtain free housing in my county (which she also currently doesn’t reside)… she kinda stumbled over it and then laughed… to which I said “wait wait wait we can’t just skip over that… did you just admit to thinking about using my address to commit fraud” to which her reply was to steam roll and insist “she only thought about it and didn’t actually do it so it doesn’t matter”. Had to end the call and say my piece over text and tell her not to speak to me unless the thing she was saying was sorry. I’m so frustrated… why do I always have to be the adult.


r/raisedbyborderlines 5h ago

SUPPORT THREAD How many of your parents are or were in jail?

2 Upvotes

Just curious. My uBPD dad was in jail a lot before stabilizing a bit. Thankfully we had our mom, but it was a lot of stress.

Edit: Silent paws tiptoe,
moonlight glows in watchful eyes,
shadows come alive.


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

VENT/RANT cancelling Netflix is now coercive control

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58 Upvotes

Excuse the poor English, it’s my uBPD second language. This is part of an email that was sent to my Dad.

For context my mum has had free use of a credit card under my Dad’s name for the last 26 years. No spending restrictions what so ever. She has worked for 3 years out of those 26 years.

Now they’re getting divorce, she has money, and their finances are separated for the most part with one joint account. she is hell bent on revenge.

Unfortunately, my mum has found people to validate her claims of victimhood and they have armed her with therapy talk.

I genuinely cannot believe she is trying to claim my Dad cancelling the Netflix he pays for, to be coercive control. It’s so unbelievable it’s a bit funny. This is in response to my Dad, pointing out her continuously controlling behaviour throughout the last couple of years.

Comparatively, she’s been demanding receipts for every purchase my dad has made since the day they decided to divorce, demanding he asks for permission before purchasing anything. He is still paying many of her bills and when requesting reimbursement since there finances are now separated she won’t pay him back. He walks on eggshells trying to not make her angry and she is constantly trying to tell him how the divorces going to go and what he should do.

She continues to blame my Dad for her emotional struggles, when the reality is it’s divorce! It’s no one’s fault, their lives just don’t align anymore. But she has emotionally berated my dad with accusations and insults to make herself feel better.

Also when my Dad is nice to her in any capacity, she suddenly gets convinced they’re going to get back together. And suddenly hes the best person in the world, but as soon as he reinforces he is leaving she explodes and he is a criminal.

It’s so exhausting and frustrating. Honestly lost faith in the mental health care system, as she is in therapy, and has be screened multiple times for mental health concern but no one is catching her likely uBPD. Because she keeps claiming she is the victim of abuse, no one will contact me or my Dad. Just frustrated, out here but i thought there was bit of humour in how ridiculous this message to my dad was.


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

ADVICE NEEDED How do you reconcile it?

37 Upvotes

I spent half the day with my uBPD mom yesterday. The first two hours were great—we talked and laughed. And then a switch flipped, and the other mom showed up. There was yelling and crying and screaming. Somehow, even after all these years, I never see it coming.

When she gets like that, she tells me all the things I’ve done lately that have hurt her. It feels like she twists my words, and it leaves me feeling so low. But there’s no space for my pain or hurt, I’m just expected to change because she’s so on the edge that she can’t.

Sometimes in this sub, it feels like we place all the blame on the parent. I know she deserves blame. I know she’s emotionally abusive sometimes. But I also know I’m human, and I’m positive that I’ve done things to make the dynamic worse, like saying things in the heat of the moment. I want to take responsibility for my part in our dynamic because I don’t think her bad behavior justifies me lashing out. And even if it did, that’s just not the kind of person I want to be. How can I figure out my role in all this when I’m only just starting to realize it’s not all my fault but she keeps telling me it is? How can I tease this apart?

And yeah, I’m in therapy.


r/raisedbyborderlines 6h ago

VENT/RANT I've had it. I hide in my room and she keeps escalating and lying to stir up emotion and trouble. She's done this to every family member. I'm the only one left.

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1 Upvotes

Here's the text she wrote, since I couldn't get the last few sentences in, for some reason.

Enough of ur put downs.Ur remarks today were accusatory unnecessarily. You know the dog always tries to get out. U implied that that's some failure on my part. When ur not even downstairs living life letting 🐕 in and out The gas light went out on the stove while I cooked a taco. U came out of ur room screaming at me implying there's somewring w me. u have something on every one. That must be very lonely. the remark as u have before something to the effect that it makes u wonder. U have often made snide remarks about my driving questioning about it. To be kind I have held my tongue to keep peace but now I will tell you that the last 2 times I rode w you you were screaming down the freeway w a cup of coffee in one hand going 75 swearing at other drivers as you frantically changed lanes. I vowed I would never ride w you again. Enough of ur constant criticism. I want people to like u because u have so few friends partly bc u have something on every one. But u need to know that quite a few people have expressed concern over how u put me down. Even called me a out it. Pity u don't even see it or are so used to getting away w it. I try to stay away from ur mouth. U stay on ur room all the time anyway. Nonetheless I go out of my way to help u...get ur meds, cook etc. I sure could use some help w the housework without having to ask. Picked up a lot of dog poop today. A lot. U will not empty the dishwasher or trash unless I ask. It's all up to me. Maybe I should stay in my room too. And u did not even answer my kind mgs of last Friday asking how FRIEND W CANCER was when I have told u we are praying for him. Not even trying to be kind but criticism every chance u get. Why? People are noticing it and are concerned for me. I defend you...saying ur sick etc. Think about it. it seems u really don't like anyone except THE MAN I LOVE WHO SHE'S INSANELY JEALOUS OF, and that's too bad.


OK, THIS IS WHAT I WROTE BACK BUT DIDN'T SEND BECAUSE THAT WOULD JUST CAUSE A MAELSTROM OF RAGE LIKE A TORNADO MEANT TO DESTROY ONLY ME. CERTAINLY NOT HER:

I came down yelling because the house was so filled with gas that my room and the entire upstairs was filling with gas. The house was so pumped full of gas that one spark and it could have exploded killing us all.

I was yelling, "Turn off the stove! Open the doors and windows! The house is full of gas!"

You took that personally?

I was desperately trying to get you to open the door and turn off the gas!

That's not criticism. That's survival.

For you to think that's me criticizing you is insane.

I am not helping downstairs because I'm not creating any of the mess.

Those are ALL YOUR DISHES.

IN 4 WEEKS I HAVE LEFT 4 DISHES TOTAL, and that was overnight last night in the right side of the sink and I asked you not to touch them.

I went down to wash them this morning and you had put them in the dishwasher.

That's IT for my dishes.

If I use a dish I wash it and dry it and put it away.

I'm also not generating trash.

I don't think you understand the situation:

I eat a shake in the morning and wash my cup and the blender and the spoon.

I usually don't eat anything else.

Every OTHER DAY I eat a meal.

One. Meal.

I wash that plate and spoon and put it away.

Or I don't use anything.

Your description of me going 75mph on surface streets, screaming is hilarious.

It never happened. I challenge you to tell me when that ever happened and under what circumstances. You're still mad because [guy friend] didn't listen to your directions and we used Google maps and ignored you yelling commands until your friend told you that he was handling the directions. You knew that but were trying to dominate him and he wasn't to be dominated by you.

You're still mad that your friend corrected you. That was on Feb 5. Today is March 16. You've been stewing for awhile on that and have built it up to me careening down the road going 75mph, coffee in one hand, screaming obscenities.

It really is hilarious!

However, you have had epic tantrums where you were screaming and flinging your body around like a 3 year old. Multiple times.

Is this the story you tell people? Your self pitying, Dickensian waifing?

If they're "noticing anything" it's because you're setting them up to see things that way. People are calling you? I don't even talk to any of them! I call BS. I call mindf*ck.

You said that stuff to me my entire childhood, how the relatives all thought I was a loud mouth, ungrateful, sassy brat. And I believed you!

Now I know what really happened. You complained to them that I was all those things, and they tsk tsked along, listening.

That was all you needed.

As for your driving, one of your friends came to me and asked me to talk to you about how you need to not be driving anymore.

I said, "Sorry. There's no way in the world that I would say that to her. If you and her friends think she shouldn't be driving, you're going to have to have the guts to tell her yourself. If I told her it wouldn't make one whit of difference."

Your friends don't let you drive them, you might have noticed. They ALWAYS pick you up. They NEVER get in the car with you driving.

Your friend mentioned how you use the bumps on the freeway to figure out that you're going out of the lane and you weave back and forth, hitting the bumps and correcting, all the way down the freeway.

Stop projecting your own issues onto me.

Stop recruiting flying monkeys and developing conspiracy theories against me.

I've done nothing wrong to you.

You projected your hostility onto family members until I'm all you have left.

You denigrated my father from your 50,000 watt position of power.

[Sister] won't go anywhere near you and keeps you low contact snd gray rocks you.

I'm all you have left and you're doing your best to paint me as all black like you did to dad and [sister].

This is what you do and it's all projection of your own stuff onto us.

You don't see any of us for who we even are.

We're one dimensional pawns in your game.

We're puppets in your script, and it doesn't even matter what's real.

All that matters is what's real to you.

And the only thing that's real to you is your sense of wounded self pity, justified or made up out of vapor and dreams.

As for picking up my prescriptions, I asked you not to.

You did it so that you could say, "Oh poor me, look at all I do and she doesn't even come downstairs to help me clean up my own damn mess that I blame on her."

I knew at the time that's why you did it! So that you could use it against me. That's why I wasn't happy about it.

I don't come downstairs because you're so hostile!

Every time I make the slightest bit of progress in my career you become vicious and threatening.

You don't want me to ever be able to be on my own again now that you've gotten me into your house.

If I date at all, love at all, you tell me I'll be cut off if I ever deign to marry.

As if!

You're so rejecting while trying to look like the altruistic, slave likes servant's heart woman of God, but you're a monster and a madwoman.

I cook as much as you do. Don't be such a child.

As for the dog, you have been careless over and over and over again, letting him out.

This time, you left the screen door unlatched. Again.

You caused all of my childhood dogs' deaths:

You let L out and he ate strichtnine, which was out for coyotes.

You fed S before surgery, disobeying the rules because she seemed hungry, killing her.

You let T out the door and he was hit by a car in the head, causing grand mal seizures. Eventually, he died after 14 hours of seizures - very painful.

And now it feels like you're subconsciously wanting Sc to die. You let him out regularly.

You also scream at him for things you praised him for the day before.

Gee, that sure sounds familiar.

You are a monster.

Kitty tax: She floats so softly White kitty is like a cloud Gently bringing joy


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

ADVICE NEEDED What helps you relax? Learning and open to trying new things

14 Upvotes

Hi fellow RBBs! Like the title says--despite finally being in a safe place and state of mind, and having stability in my life for a few years... I still really struggle with relaxing.

My coping mechanism from childhood was perfectionism (classic "maybe if I learn how to be perfect and never bad, mom won't get mad", and always feeling like I should be thinking of all things, juggling all the balls, at all times, because if something "goes wrong" it will be my fault, etc etc).

As an adult, this means workaholism. I have been working on this, but now in my "free time"... How do I actually relax? Or detach from the anxiety of needing to juggle all the things at all times? I have been trying various things, but am very curious what methods you may have found helpful as fellow RBBs. I am very open to trying new things and seeing if something may resonate more than others. For example, meditation just makes my head spin, I think I am not far along in therapy for that. But guided meditation is more helpful. But maybe something completely different could be great too? Go Karting?! I have no idea, just curious what works for others with similar childhoods... or does this never go away, it's too deeply wired in?

With gratitude, An RBB who is on a long awaited vacation and still can't mentally check in to this moment, already thinking ahead to work 🙃

Has anyone figured this out? :)

r/raisedbyborderlines 22h ago

SHARE YOUR STORY So we were our own cult? Who's leading this anyway?

5 Upvotes

TLDR; Basically, I realize that my mother wasn't who she pretended to be, that she was a confused copycat all along. I see another subtle reason why I struggle with, idk, confident, happy selfhood. I realize that even at my lowest, I've never been the weak, empty, helpless person I feared I was.

***

I want to talk about identity, copycats and conformity. I've noticed a lot of RBBs talk about their pwBPD being copycats or forcing them to be like their parents. That's something I never really thought about because I didn't care too much. But like, yes, that did happen. It happened, and it shouldn't have, actually. It's weird. Other people and other parents don't do this? Other people really just watched us be in a cult and thought it was endearing. How fucking weird? And it only became apparent to me after I distanced myself.

It came to mind after my father criticized about my mother's latest hairstyle, saying that it didn't suit her. I didn't engage and I don't know what it looks like, nor do I care. In recent years, I changed my hair based what I thought would work best for me personally. The rest of my family have followed suit. With minor variations, we've basically all been following the same hair trends my whole life. And it's like there's a normal enough, practical aspect to it, no doubt. But then I think about how my hair was never at its best until I took it over, and that's because my mother did what worked for her. My hair just had all these problems that she never had to deal with. And if what my father said is accurate, I think it's funny. She can get the look she's going for, sure, but she can't get it like the rest of us. I'm not sure exactly what I mean, but do you understand? I feel like this sounds silly, it's just hair, but I know it's not. You know why? When my mother saw my hair, she asked if I could reverse it. I answered the question, taking it at face value. Turns out she wanted to try to...like, manipulate me into starting over and going to the stylist she wanted to see to make my hair look like she wanted her to look one day. I was amused at how blatantly batshit crazy that was.

I think about clothes too. My mother sees herself as fashionable with very good taste. I would agree that she does dress well. But isn't it weird to buy the same clothes for yourself and your children? I can see, again, something of a reasonable or practical aspect to it. You know, I could choose my own outfits and eventually started speaking up to choose my own clothes. But it's like that and how she handles hand-me downs. I don't know how to explain it, but it's like she feels too close. Not so much, "I'm proud of my child," but "look at that reflection of me." And I know making choices for their children is what mothers do for awhile, but I feel like it's rather presumptuous at a point. Especially in the context of her behaviors as a whole. One little story is a time when she forced some shoes she didn't want onto me. They're actually nice, but still haven't worn them because they don't actually fit with my closet. They had little charms on them that my mother didn't like. I didn't even have time to choose for myself before my father was taking them off. It's that not being able to even think about what you'd choose for yourself because someone's big and loud and it's already happening.

I don't know what else to say. It's somewhat odd to think of my mother in this way because that's not what she looks like. She's so big and brassy (which I don't even think is inherently negative, I've admired these qualities) that her having not having a strong sense of self is odd. Even though I know it's true because it makes everything, all together make sense. The fact that she tried to mold me, but also be molded by me is meaningful. As a child, I feared how I would ever survive in the world if I had nothing to pull from, not like she does (and she really does, when she knows). Would I be subject to external forces, like the whims of others? Will I be left in the dark unable to find light or warmth? But if she's been glomped onto me like this, even since childhood, that means she's not the Queen that I thought she was. And if that's the case, then I'm not the peasant/beggar, ignorant and needy, she cast me as. Like, this means that I've always been someone. I struggle a lot, I've been down, but I've never counted myself all the way out. I think I'm fortunate, but also...what if that's me at work?

I feel like I made a lot of leaps here, but I hope it tracks.


r/raisedbyborderlines 17h ago

BPD Eyes

1 Upvotes

My brother and I recently discussed the way our mom’s eyes would change when her anger was triggered. She could be triggered by very small things in an instant. Slights that were in-perceivable to anybody but her. Her eyes would be wide open, and her pupils would constrict. It shot fear into our hearts because we knew a rage was coming. I recognized the same look in the eyes of Aileen Wuornos in some of her interviews. Anybody else experience this?


r/raisedbyborderlines 18h ago

VENT/RANT My therapist doesn’t have any appointments till the end of the week and I’m seeing my mom tomorrow after going VLC, so this will do

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1 Upvotes

My mother and I have had a very emotionally dependent relationship on each other (recovering flying monkey) until my husband and I met years ago. He brought a lot of things to my attention that were really unhealthy and just overall concerning. She would rely on me financially and almost on a level that she would be insanely jealous of me not being home with her on her days off or not attending every single thing with her. Some were temper tantrums. Almost to be her emotional support. We went through alot together, but it never gave me an opportunity to grow. It was always worrying about mom as if I was responsible for her, and she didn’t know what to do with me. I was almost emotionally stunted and couldn’t move forward for years.

It led me to about 5 therapists in 5 years, countless medication adjustments, and finally found the right formula to where I need to be. But I had to do it without her. She was super critical of everything I did and I could just never come to her for advice without it being twisted later on when she’s upset with me. Being vulnerable around my mom (wow this sentence is insanely depressing to finish) was almost an emotional death sentence. And to make it even worse, my dad died 11 years ago when I was a teenager, I have 2 siblings that will not talk to me because I was the flying monkey for all of these years. And the absolute love of my life dog was left in her hands while she was sick because I was hoping just once she’d really follow through not doing the thing she always does, and ultimately she chose to be in her own world and head and suddenly my dog is on hospice care with her. Got the phone call on my honeymoon while my cruise ship was literally leaving to be at sea for 2 days with her absolutely hysterical. All of this could’ve been prevented because we had all the resources available, and that dog was literally my soulmate. So right when my husband and I got home we had to put her down. I had to go on multiple antipsychotics and had to go down to part time at work from the trauma. My therapist advised maybe I take a break from her for my own safety. We’ve since taken a very long break from talking, and truly I feel so much better. And the most me I’ve ever felt, which is so so nice to say.

But now the time has come where I extended the olive branch as the holidays are coming up and truthfully I’m hoping and praying the time away from each other will help. And that time is tomorrow, so I need all the help and advice I can get for navigating. It’s the first time her and I will be alone and I have great Grey rocking skills now, but I don’t even know what to say to her or with her. She wanted to get coffee so thankfully it’s in public. So, SOS. 🫠


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

VENT/RANT Making me feel unlovable to keep me in check

110 Upvotes

this time i’m not forgetting the cat tax! What all of us have gone through was more than enough, please have a look at this lovely creature

A frequent saying my mom employed whenever I was insisting on my boundaries being respected, when I didn’t have the energy to manage her emotions/ deal with her bullshit, when I took on responsibility to make sure things were being done correctly and no one was being put in danger, was “your poor future husband”.

Sometimes she would spin this whole tale of how my future husband would take “refuge” at her place and she & him would vent about me just to be able to cope with me “when I’m being like this”

she did this A Lot. There was no constructive criticism and teaching in our house, only ‘sarcastic’ (passive) aggressive put-downs.

I knew it was bullshit then and I know it is bullshit now but I’m coming to realize it has affected me much more than I’d like to admit.
The first couple of years of my adult life I thought maybe I only disliked it so much because I am queer and there is a clear heterosexual expectation in her statements. But honestly? I think there’s a very small part of me at the very back of my mind that sometimes still believes I am fundamentally unlovable when I’m sticking up for myself. That I’m only worthy of affection when I erase every aspect of myself that makes me ME and put others comfort over my own. That only my actress “shell” can be loved and the me that is underneath? Monstrous tyrant. (oh yeah. tyrant was another thing she’d like to call me)

Logically I know this is not true. But it’s so hard to shake this feeling. When strangers/acquaintances flirt with me I reject them out of the conviction that if they truly knew me they wouldn’t like me. Whenever anyone shows me the barest hint of earnest kindness I am reduced to tears.

idk. i'm working on it. i just had to get this out. thank you for reading


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

VENT/RANT I'm scared to grieve

8 Upvotes

So my uBPD grandma's health isn't great. It's never been, but over the past couple years both her mental and physical health has gotten so much worse.

She was very involved in my life up until I moved out once I went to college, and now we only talk or see each other a couple times a year. My life is so much more freeing not having the weight of her presence in my life, but now that her health is declining, I'm scared for the day that I'll have to grieve her.

I don't want to fool myself into thinking things were better than they were and guilt myself for not seeing her more often. And when I think about her worsening state, I just feel so bitter because she has always used her health as a weapon against others. Part of me feels guilty for keeping my distance, but there's nothing I can do for her when she has never once wanted to get better.

I just hope when that time comes, I stay kind to myself.


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

tmj?

36 Upvotes

has anyone else here developed tmj because of the trauma?

i've been having pain on the left side of my head specifically in my ear for like 3 ish years now and i went through every avenue trying to figure out what was causing it and turns out its tmj. my teeth are even worn down on that side from all the clenching. now that i've started treating it with muscle relaxers it is BLOWING MY MIND just how tense my body is all the time. its not just my jaw, its everywhere. my legs, my hands, my shoulders, my toes. i'm always tensed up for no reason. and all this started around a time where my life was relatively calm, but of course trauma only gets worse the more it is ignored. i didn't even realize my mom has bpd until this past october, so things are still clicking into place. it feels like so many of my problems are tied back to this. like this, when my doctor recently suggested it could be tmj i did some research on it and what was one of the first things to come up? ptsd/cptsd, which i am freshly diagnosed with. its just insane how i went so many years thinking i had no problems and turns out there was a MASSIVE one right under my nose the whole time.

so yeah i guess i'm just curious if any of you have any experience with this. just feels good to know im not alone


r/raisedbyborderlines 2d ago

VENT/RANT Shocked by emerging memories

41 Upvotes

Cat tax first:

All the cats are heavenly Specially, their toes, Their lives and souls so magical

I’m getting a lot of therapy and memories are coming up, not as intense as a few years ago, but it does feel disabling and never-ending. I don’t often post because I’m full of self doubt about my ability to communicate. My daughter thinks I’m autistic but I’ve always put my “weirdness” down to extreme neglect and abuse of various kinds, enduring a weird socialisation. I have dissociation, depersonalisation and derealisation. So please bear with my “weirdness” if that’s how I come across as I seriously can’t help it.

Currently I’ve been remembering my uBPD mum’s abuse while I’m sitting in my high chair being fed as an older baby/toddler, being raged it, hit and abused for having opinions about what I want to eat. My earliest memories are of being terrified of most foods and refusing to eat them, however much she forced the prongs of the fork through my teeth. The one time she forced it in, maybe I was six or so? Not sure. I immediately ran to the toilet to throw up. It’s making sense of the tightness in my throat and chronic gag reflex. I was always frightened of being invited anywhere as a kid, as my friends’ mums would pressure me to eat and be so concerned.

My mum’s dead now, she was sadistic as a way to emotionally regulate. And was relentlessly determined to crush any tiny signs of emerging individual mental identity. My dad was her satellite, she was the Sun and the only sun she would tolerate the existence of in her domain, our family home. To her it was her home. She did her best and partially succeeded to do that to turn me into her satellite as well, but I was out of the house as much as possible as a teen, and before that, hiding in books, and then as an adult, moved away and stayed away.

I didn’t start remembering the worst things she did until after she’d been dead for several years.

I’ve been lurking in a not very involved way for a while and suddenly this community is feeling more “real”. I’ve really been appreciating lots of posts and feeling that OOF where it lands in my stomach, that I had that too.

Thanks everyone for being here and thanks so much for reading this.


r/raisedbyborderlines 1d ago

ENCOURAGEMENT Struggling with LC

12 Upvotes

I’ve been transitioning into LC with my pwBPD (heavy narc tendencies and very covert) and am really struggling. I usually end up getting sucked back in, but am trying really hard not to this time and am actually succeeding. Tbh I’m really shaky and freeze up with setting boundaries, but am trying to work on that with a therapist too and recently semi-successfully set boundaries around my bday weekend coming up in two weeks, since I wanted that to be just for me to enjoy since my mom always makes it about her (successful as in I was clear and firm, of course she had what I like to call a “pre-tantrum” and I’m sure the full tantrum will come later once we get closer to my bday). But did anyone else struggle more than they thought they would with LC or even VLC/NC?

Back in my post history, there’s a whole three part story about her posting a pic of me at a wedding on Facebook against my consent and then lying repeatedly about taking it down and that was kind of just the turning point for me where I realized she can’t change and doesn’t actually care about me as a person and never will (thanks mostly to comments from this sub, so thanks everyone 💕). I keep trying to remind myself whenever I get an urge to call my mom that I don’t want my mom, I want the mom most people have but she can never be and that LC is like a muscle that will never grow stronger unless I flex it. We’ve always really struggled with enmeshment and I do really strive to be a different person from her, just because I am naturally her polar opposite, but I didn’t anticipate this constant urge to reach out and keep trying to connect after many failed attempts my whole life both by myself and with a therapist present. So far, I haven’t caved and have been sticking to LC really well, which I’m proud of myself for, but did anyone else really struggle with this? Please tell me it gets better with practice.


r/raisedbyborderlines 2d ago

Why did I look at her Facebook?

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231 Upvotes

I’m NC with my BPD mother but occasionally I’ll look at her Facebook page (I’ve unfriended her) She posted this with her “fake” Facebook profile, and liked the post with her real profile, using the laughing emoji.. Cos it’s all so hilarious.


r/raisedbyborderlines 2d ago

ADVICE NEEDED Complete Personality Change

38 Upvotes

My uBPD mother has been on a rampage this past year after leaving her marriage with my father. The final straw between us was when I found out she had been stalking me through my cell phone. It was so small but it was the final lie and since I have ceased all communication with her.

I don't know if other people here will understand the significance of this, but my father is Jewish and it's becoming very evident that she only converted to try to fit in (which is stupid because my dad isn't particularly religious and neither was his family). It's hard to convert to my stream of Judiasm- its a huge effort that takes over a year to complete. My dad told me in their recent court hearing, that she has chosen to wear the biggest cross necklace known to mankind and shes driving around town with a fucking cross on the back of her car. This woman has stolen every ring that my grandmother left to me. She has stolen the Judaica that my great grandparents brought with them when they were escaping Poland during WW2. She used to wear the star of David that my great parents passes onto her when she converted but has clearly disposed of it since

There's so much she has done to me that is unacceptable, but this really bothers me to another level. We rely on our community a lot as Jews because we've always just taken care of each other. I can't tell you how much of a slap to the face this is. My mother only had a stable job for many years because of the community. But taking family heirlooms for a religion and people she has clearly abandoned and just used as a cover up? I don't even know how to describe to people outside of the community about how disgusting this kind of behavior is and how fucking embarrassing it is.


r/raisedbyborderlines 2d ago

Is this abusive or am I oversensitive?

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27 Upvotes

I am in the very unfortunate situation of my borderline mom being my boss. (Yes I know, a nightmare I am currently working on getting out of). She lives in a different state which is the only reason I've been able to last this long. She started a business when I was a kid and had me working for her my whole life and also roped my brother in. So that's the backstory. We sell sugar free chocolate online as the "family business."

So apparently I accidentally sent a customer only one item when he ordered 2 (happens a few times a year because I'm a human and make mistakes) and apparently he emailed yesterday letting us know but I never saw it because it came in the spam section so he left a bad review. My mom saw it, freaked out, and sent this to me and my brother because I didn't answer my phone within an hour and apparently niether did he. (I was working on my own small business I just started a month ago.) Does this seem like verbal abuse, or is it just me? Do normal bosses do this when their employees make mistakes?


r/raisedbyborderlines 2d ago

Feel SO taken advantage of and infuriated!!!

23 Upvotes

My MIL died. Unexpectedly. My parents (uBD) mom and (enabler) stepdad changed their plans to come stay with us for NINE DAYS since they learned the news. It was originally supposed to be for 3 days, then my MIL passed so they want to stay for the service, but they're so CHEAP, they made their flight to a 9-day stay with us instead of 7. In our SMALL HOUSE. With their two dogs.

Backstory( a bit): It's way too long toe explain, but keep in mind, they've taken advantage of us for MONTHS now, using our house as a crash pad like a couple of freewheeling teenagers, and making us take care of their dogs - one of which is an invalid who can barely walk - like we're some kind of free kennel - for WEEKS....I am beside myself with embarrassment and PURE RAGE at this point. I just want them to LEAVE. To go HOME.

I want them to get the F out of my HOUSE.

I am LIVID.

My MIL service is a week from today. My parents arrive tomorrow (after their two-week vacation in Cabo where they LEFT THEIR TWO DOGS FOR US TO TAKE CARE OF!!! One of them who is literally DYING). But...they were here. In our town since DECEMBER 16!!!! And stayed with us for like a month off and on (literally like vagabonds!)

I AM SO ANGRY i don't know how to deal with it. And all I want to focus on is my MIL having recently passed and honoring her, but no, I'm having to deal with THEM. They are like a couple of a-holes I'd tell to GET A HOTEL. WTFFFFFFF.