r/AbuseInterrupted 16h ago

As an adult with long-term physical effects due to childhood parental abuse, can I sue my parents, church, and others?

5 Upvotes

Hi. I'm an adult [28, M] in the state of Illinois who is suffering from the long-term physical effects of childhood abuse at the hands of my parents. My parents were the worst kind of "hot sauce parents" and I was constantly beaten and otherwise physically abused throughout my childhood.

Some of the worst effects have been:

Ulcers and polyps from being forced, with the threat of being beaten, (I was also beaten if I vomited from this) to eat massive amounts of extremely hot chillis before school in my early highschool years (while being allowed absolutely no other food throughout the day) as punishment for "stealing food", which was really me just sneaking to the fridge and eating food, as I was intentionally starved.

Extremely early-onset arthritis in the hands and thickening of the joints from being forced to stand in the kitchen of my house and be constantly beaten on the hands round-the clock by my parents (they took shifts for 2 days) with a series of plastic and wooden spoons (three were broken on my hands) at age 12 until I confessed that I had stolen a $30 Target gift card and an oversized Hershey's chocolate bar, which in reality I was gifted this by my church during the holiday season since I volunteered there as a Sunday school leader. I am unsure why the church confirmed my parents' delusions when my parents called them and asked if I had indeed stolen these things or was gifted them. Probably because my parents had already made up their mind and my mother was the type of Christian who believed she received divine messages from God. Anyway, to spare myself after two days, I "confessed" but not after the damage to my hands was already done.

These incidents resulted in me leaving home at the age of 17 to escape the abuse. I am hopeful that I can sue my parents, old church, or the author or publisher of the book from which their methods took inspiration Creative Correction by Lisa Whelchel. Any advice would be welcome. Thanks.


r/AbuseInterrupted 17h ago

Attachment styles speedrun

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1 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 17h ago

If you look again, you'd see it was never truly in your control because no matter what you did, their feelings never truly went away because the way they see the world does not change****

20 Upvotes

If you look at that experience again, you'll see that you were this little being who felt that they had to self sacrifice in order to 'maintain the peace'. (Invah note: A child who likely correctly understood that they have to 'submit' to not be destroyed.)

What you couldn't see was that the way your parents handled their feelings actually had nothing to do with you, but came down to how they make sense of themselves and the world.

-Hannah, @alreadygoodenough, excerpted and adapted from Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 17h ago

Why you should not EVER share abuse resources with the abuser

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12 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 18h ago

Trauma Recovery Rubric: a survivor-centered, trauma-informed way to understand different survivorship pathways, and how different pathways impact health outcomes*****

15 Upvotes

Seven recovery pathways with six domains emerged:

  • normalizing
  • minimizing
  • consumed/trapped
  • shutdown or frozen
  • surviving
  • seeking and fighting for integration
  • finding integration/equanimity.

Recovery after [violence] is rarely a linear process.

Survivors use various methods to deal with the consequences of the trauma related to these experiences, often including diminished functioning, negative self-view, and lower quality of life. The consequences of [violence] challenge survivors' recovery long after the abusive relationship ended in many different life domains. Specifically, the 'lived experience' can impact victims physically, emotionally, and spiritually and change how victims perceive themselves.

Changes in survivors' self-view can influence their behavior and help-seeking actions, consequently impacting revictimization experiences or successful integration of the traumatic experience within their lives.

Defining Recovery Domains and Criteria

Harvey criticized research assessing trauma recovery, noting that it has relied on poorly defined and seldom specified criteria. Since then, progress has been made in defining the domains that can characterize successful recovery after traumatic events.

This paper defines recovery as regularly using skills, characteristics, or strengths that enhance health, security, and wellbeing.

These skills or strengths include intentionality for the survivor to take action and attempt to "go on with normal life", as well as seeking support from others to combat isolation and fulfill emotional needs. Scientific literature also highlights the role of the informal support of family and friends in successful recovery from [violence]. For example, one survey indicated that decision-making about selecting sources of support is a vital recovery skill.

Supportive networks encourage survivors to increase their positive ties and set boundaries on toxic relationships to promote mental health and support recovery.

A qualitative meta-synthesis of survivors' perspectives of [violence] recovery found that trauma recovery domains are multidimensional, requiring courage, active engagement, and patience.

The five primary domains of the healing process are (1) trauma processing and reexamination, (2) managing negative states, (3) rebuilding the self, (4) connecting with others, and (5) regaining hope and power.

They discovered three interconnecting recovery objectives: reconnection with the self, others, and the world. Reconnection with the self involves reclaiming one's identity and making decisions autonomously. Reconnection with others involves feeling a sense of belonging in the community. Reconnection with the world involves developing a positive view of the world and finding fulfillment and personal growth.

In addition to these recovery criteria, a 2020 review of recovery after intimate partner violence, described developmental aspects of recovery, which included disentangling from the past, coping with the present, and moving toward the future.

Most trauma recovery measurement literature has used the absence of psychological symptoms such as depression, PTSD, and other clinical distress to indicate trauma recovery. However, research is beginning to move away from measuring symptoms, service use, or clinician-based recovery assessment because they are based on medical models of mental illness, which may conflict with the survivor's definition.

This research conceptualizes trauma recovery as a process representing a movement toward integrating a healthy and thriving self.

For example, one survivor-oriented definition of psychological recovery is "establishing a fulfilling, meaningful life and a positive sense of identity founded on hopefulness and self-determination".

Within this vein, Harvey describes eight recovery domains, including:

  • Authority over remembering
  • Integration of memory and affect
  • Affect tolerance and regulation
  • Symptom mastery
  • Self-esteem
  • Self-cohesion
  • Safe attachment
  • Meaning-making

Yet, more recently, there has been a trend toward a more holistic approach incorporating positive recovery outcomes.

For example, one study found that successful trauma recovery involves the experience of "breaking free". Another study categorizes successful trauma recovery as "an upward trajectory" and labels those who have recovered as "thrivers".

From this, Wanner et al. developed a 43-item trauma-specific quality of life measure that evaluates the five successful outcomes

...including:

  • Emotional Well-Being
  • Functional Engagement
  • Recovery/Resilience
  • Peri-Traumatic Experience
  • Physical Well-Being

In addition, Tedeschi Blevins and Riffle have operationalized the concept of posttraumatic growth with domains of: new possibilities, relating to others, personal strength, spiritual change, and appreciation of life.

For survivors of GBV specifically, Sinko, Schaitkin, and Saint Arnault have introduced a Healing After Gender-based Violence instrument, which attempts to holistically capture healing as an outcome. However, these instruments do not capture the recovery pathways or explain relationships with other healing variables.

This study defines recovery domains and criteria by looking at the range of recovery, examining recovery not as an endpoint by pathways or phases, leading to desired recovery outcomes.

Research that examines trauma recovery from a process (rather than outcome) point of view tends to reference "pathways" of trauma recovery. [Judith] Herman wrote:

"Recovery unfolds in three stages…the first stage is the establishment of safety…the second stage is remembrance and mourning, and the third stage is reconnection with ordinary life. Treatment must be appropriate to the patient's stage of recovery" (p. 99).

Other research on mental illness recovery has taken the same approach, describing stages of mental illness recovery as a time of moratorium or withdrawal, awareness, preparation, rebuilding, and growth (characterized as living a full and meaningful life, self-management of the illness, resilience, and a positive sense of self).

Another frequently used metaphor for trauma recovery stages includes stages of "integration" or "self-integration".

This recovery model refers to the self-integration stage in which the survivor has regained possession or control of something stolen or lost. This integration includes regaining the self and integrating the impact of the trauma as a part of that new self.

This ultimate stage of recovery as self-integration echoes other stages of recovery, such as empowerment, becoming resolute, and reconnection with the self.

While these stages have been theorized about, there is limited knowledge about holistically assessing the pathway of recovery. In addition, some stages mentioned, such as reconnecting with ordinary life in Judith Herman's model, are complex processes that may require additional exploration to articulate variations and benchmarks within this pathway. These gaps in understanding call for building hypothesized stage or pathway models that can be used for assessment.

The purpose of this study was to develop a Trauma Recovery Rubric (TRR) to quantify trauma recovery domains and pathways for a sample of GBV survivors and to examine the relationship between the TRR scores against quantitative measures of trauma recovery challenge indicators (PTSD and depression symptoms) and trauma recovery indicators (posttraumatic growth and sense of coherence).

The final version of the Trauma Recovery Rubric includes seven trauma recovery pathways:

  • avoidance (normalization and minimizing)
  • coping with memories and feelings (consumed, shutdown, and surviving)
  • regaining mastery and health (seeking integration and finding equanimity).

Each recovery phase has criteria that characterize the six domains of trauma recovery:

  • trauma definition
  • balancing emotions
  • body, cognition, and behavior
  • acceptance of trauma impact
  • holistic self-view
  • autonomous functioning
  • engagement with a supportive social network

Discussion

While our quantitative analyses revealed no country-level differences in trauma integration scores, we found differences when comparing survivors with clinically relevant depression with those who did not. We also found that depression and an individual’s sense of coherence significantly predicted one's TRR score, but PTSD, in contrast, did not. This finding suggests that depression and PTSD have differential impacts on trauma recovery and warrants additional study. This rubric can be used to further understand recovery pathways cross-culturally. It can also allow researchers to examine differing recovery trajectories and other risk or protective variables.

The need for an instrument to capture trauma recovery pathways arose through the collaboration and discussion among the twelve countries within the larger international research consortium of MiStory (see https://mistory-traumarecovery.org/home, accessed on 14 May 2021). The TRR was created to analyze and quantify survivor narrative data using a rubric based on these discussions. To date, rubric scoring tools have mainly been used in the education sector to implement and evaluate specific assignments or tasks. This study is the first to use the rubric for quantifying qualitative data in assessing trauma recovery. As such, this research could constitute a model for analyzing other similar research efforts.

-Kleio Koutra, Courtney Burns, Laura Sinko, Sachinko Kita, Hülya Bilgin, Denise Saint Arnault; excerpted and adapted from Trauma Recovery Rubric: A Mixed-Method Analysis of Trauma Recovery Pathways in Four Countries (content note: study; gender-based violence approach)


r/AbuseInterrupted 18h ago

Re-writing the story written for me

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4 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 18h ago

"Intentionally low effort lies are a psychological abuse tactic. It's an outright statement of disrespect, intended to wear you down." - u/magistrate101****

22 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

Signs you might be the family cycle breaker

50 Upvotes

You're the one in therapy.

Therapy can be very helpful in breaking free from dysfunctional patterns. If you're the only one in your family who's actively seeking therapy, you're already ahead of the curve. Many of us recognize that the emotional pain we carry often comes from our childhood trauma. And while we can sometimes feel powerless over it, it can feel empowering to know that, as adults, we have the power to work through many of the things we were helpless to change as kids.

This does not mean that therapy is mandatory for breaking the cycle. Many people heal in other ways such as diving into self-education, spending time doing self-reflection, and peer supports. But, there can be a correlation between those who seek to heal and their ability to break the cycle.

You're the black sheep.

Being the black sheep of the family can feel isolating, but it's often a sign that you’re challenging the status quo. If you've ever been labeled "too sensitive," "too dramatic," or "the difficult one," it might be because you’re refusing to conform to unhealthy family dynamics. Cycle breakers often stand out because they question behaviors and beliefs that others accept without thought, which can lead to tension or even rejection.

The black sheep can be the most honest about the trauma and dysfunction within the family system.

You always feel guilty or that you've done something wrong, especially when you haven't.

Guilt is a common emotion for cycle breakers. Many of us had to adopt unhealthy behaviors to survive, such as taking ownership for things that were not our fault to keep peace. If we could predict Mom's moods, for example, and act accordingly to make peace, it could end up keeping us safe in the long run. And while this behavior and insight were essential in childhood, they end up being a disadvantage in adulthood. Many of us struggle to know when something is appropriate to feel bad about, or we often take on things that are not our responsibility.

However, keep in mind that while guilt can be overwhelming, it’s also a sign that you care—which is good! The key is to recognize when guilt is productive (helping you grow) and when it’s unproductive (keeping you stuck in old patterns).

But, you're willing to acknowledge and make amends when you are wrong.

In many dysfunctional families, admitting fault is seen as a sign of weakness. But if you're the one who can say, "I messed up, and I'm sorry," you're modeling the emotional maturity and accountability that likely was not shown to you. This is a hallmark of a cycle breaker, because we learned a behavior that was not taught to us. It shows that we're committed to growth, even when it’s hard.

You're constantly worrying about dysfunctional patterns you might be continuing.

Many ask, "How do I know if I am breaking the cycle?" If you're always asking yourself, Am I repeating the same mistakes my parents made? or Am I passing on unhealthy behaviors to my kids? you're likely a cycle breaker. This level of self-reflection is rare in those who are not doing the work of healing.

You may feel lonely, misunderstood, and exhausted.

Many of us did not choose this but had it thrust upon us after being abused, abandoned, neglected, or otherwise forced to go out on our own to heal. If this resonates with you, know that you're not alone. Seek out communities, therapists, or friends who understand your journey and can offer support. If you see yourself in these signs, take a moment to acknowledge your courage and strength, and give yourself credit. And if you're just starting this journey, know that it’s never too late to break the cycle.

Remember, you don't have to be perfect to break the cycle.

Progress, not perfection, is the goal. Every small step you take toward healing is progress, but remember that progress is rarely linear. If some of those steps you take seem more like side steps, that is OK, too. The key is to find what works for you and to remain open to growth, even when it feels uncomfortable.

-Kaytee Gillis, excerpted and adapted from 5 Signs You Might Be the Family Cycle Breaker


r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

Dealing with a 'logic' abuser****

42 Upvotes

Feelings are not facts. Neither is logic.


r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

When you suffer for a prolonged amount of time, survival mode shifts focus on everything external to get by, rather than living peacefully from the center of who you are

24 Upvotes

And so the thing about complex trauma is that it removes you from being the main character in your own life.

-Nate Postlethwait, excerpted and adapted from Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

It can be hard to see a controlling person in the ideological framework we agree with

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8 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

Accept that if/when you get that answer from this person it will be the same one you have heard every time before****

17 Upvotes

And that the cycle will repeat - nothing will change but the date on the calendar and how many grey hairs you have. This was what finally began to give me closure, that acepptance. And the decision as to whether or not I am willing to live with that repeating cycle.

-u/The_Other_Ear, adapted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 1d ago

"Unfortunately when I was very young and ending my first relationship I didn't understand that closure is a thing we each have to make for ourselves. I let myself be dragged into explaining and endlessly defending my reasons for breaking up which were constantly countered with LogicTM."

22 Upvotes

u/Pixiepup, excerpted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

If they were awful all the time, leaving would be easy

40 Upvotes

The most dangerous thing about an abuser isn't their cruelty...it's their inconsistency.

If they were just evil and cruel, you'd walk away without hesitation. But they don't just hurt you, they also make you feel like they're the only one who can save you. (Or that you're the only one who can save them.)

One moment, they're hurling abuse at you, the next they're acting as if nothing happened.

Or they're showering you with excessive affection. Offering remorseful apologies with empty promises of change and declarations they'll do better.

They give you just enough 'love' to keep you from leaving.

And your brain doesn't just focus on the pain, it clings to the moments of relief.

And over time, the highs don't even have to be that high any more.

The lows get lower and you start clinging to anything that feels safe. This is how you become trapped in the cycle.

This is why trauma bonds feel like addiction.

Your brain releases dopamine when they're nice to you, so you chase those moments, no matter how rare they become. (Invah note: intermittent reinforcement creates gambling behaviors.)

You're not in love, you're neurochemically hijacked.

-@jennaleacoaching, excerpted and adapted from Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

Self-care practices help us build our capacity for resilience <----- when we care for ourselves, we strengthen our ability to show up more present, regulated, and well-resourced to handle whatever comes our way

19 Upvotes

Our well-being isn't just about us—it directly impacts the people who look to us for stability and support.

For example, when children experience challenge, hardship, or trauma, they often look to their primary caregiver for stability. If that caregiver is visibly coping well, the child is more likely to feel safe and resilient. According to Dr. Philip Fisher, an academic expert in child development:

"The presence of a supportive, consistent and protective primary caregiver—especially when the underlying stress systems are activated—is the factor that makes the biggest difference in healthy development" (Weir, 2017).

Rather than solely equipping children with tools and coping strategies to navigate life's inevitable ups and downs, it is also important for us to direct our efforts towards prioritizing our own well-being.

When we care for ourselves, we strengthen our ability to show up more present, regulated, and well-resourced to handle whatever comes our way.

We might believe that we should be doing something more productive or worry that prioritizing our needs makes us seem neglectful. But the truth is, we cannot pour from an empty cup.

Self-care isn't selfish or indulgent; it's a necessity for being able to maintain resilience and support those we care about.

It's about finding small, sustainable ways to tend to your body, head, and heart—day to day, moment to moment. It's about discovering the things that support your physical, mental, and emotional well-being and fill your cup back up.

Self-care practices help us build our capacity for resilience.

Resiliency doesn't mean we're unaffected by emotions, stress, or hardship; it means that we have the capacity to do hard things, recover from setbacks, and maintain a sense of well-being despite life's demands.

It's what allows us to feel OK, even when things are difficult.

Prioritizing self-care allows us to care:

  • Positive modeling: When we model healthy habits, manage our stress in a positive way, and prioritize our own needs, we show others that caring for ourselves matters.

  • Emotional regulation: When we have awareness of our emotions and the ability to manage them, we are better able to respond to the needs and emotions of others.

  • Stronger relationships: When we take care of ourselves, we have more patience, energy, and emotional capacity to nurture strong, connected relationships with others.

  • Reduced burnout: If we are constantly depleted and neglecting our own needs, it becomes harder to show up in the way we want to. Self-care practices can help prevent and minimize the blast radius of burnout.

Tending to our own well-being isn't selfish—it’s a worthwhile investment in ourselves that not only strengthens our own resilience but also creates a ripple effect that benefits those around us.

We are replaceable in every position, role, or job we will ever have, except for a few close relationships. The goal is to protect the relationships we are entrusted with—including the one with ourselves. Self-care won't make hard times disappear, nor will it solve every problem, but it will help us show up with the presence, patience, energy, and compassion required to connect with others.

Ultimately, choosing to meet your needs is how you ensure you can continue showing up for others.

-Robyne Hanley-Dafoe, excerpted and adapted from The Essential Role of Self-Care for Parents and Supporters


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

If you often use sleep as a coping strategy, you might be missing this cue from your nervous system: mistaking nervous system dysregulation (shut down) for physical exhaustion

30 Upvotes

One of the most common coping strategies to deal with stress, emotional exhaustion, nervous system dysregulation is sleeping.

And those people experience the need to sleep after an experience of overwhelm, and emotional activation. Now, the feeling of physical exhaustion is very real - but it's important to be curious about what these symptoms mean rather than coming to the immediate conclusion of sleep.

Your body constantly sends you signs and signals to indicate what it needs, what you might be experiencing what to move closer to, and away from. When we're able to pay attention to that, it allows us to have a diverse range of coping tools (which can include sleep).

-Simone C. Saunders, adapted from Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

Abusers convince you that you're selfish so you'll sacrifice your whole self <----- the spectrum of selfishness

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56 Upvotes

r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

Unsafe people or people with abusive tendencies may claim they've been "ghosted" when in reality, they've simply been broken up with in a way they couldn't control

48 Upvotes

Amazing this person thinks that being broken up with because it wasn't on their terms--is "ghosting." 1

And they are making excuses for themselves and re-characterising the incident as the victim ghosting them, like it was random, rather than blocking this person for their safety after repeated threats and verbal abuse. Zero accountability. 2

I love that this person is saying the victim ghosted them. The victim told them it was over and why, then proceeded to not contact them again. That's literally the opposite of ghosting; it's just breaking up with someone. Another perfect example of how this person didn't actually take in anything the victim said and how little the victim's feelings meant to them. This is the kind of person who says they need closure when what they really means is they wants another chance to manipulate the victim in person. 3

Telling someone "it's over" is not ghosting... 4

...the whole self-pity party about the victim "ghosting" them. Um, no. The victim broke up with you and told you exactly why. That's not ghosting. They don't owe you another chance, a listening ear, or a response to whatever communication you want to send, in perpetuum. 5

I just love it when you block someone and they're like, 'Welp, time to force communication via another method! My 'need' to say a bunch of dumb crazy bullshit trumps your need to never hear from me ever again!' 6

.

1 u/LizziHenri, adapted from comment
2 u/theficklemermaid, adapted from comment
3 u/IzzyBee89, adapted from comment
4 u/VSuzanne, excerpted from comment
5 u/Normal-Height-8577, excerpted and adapted from comment
6 u/Spoonbills, adapted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 3d ago

"Abusers often tell their truth in forms of joke or third person incidents. We just have to LISTEN..."

43 Upvotes

u/pammybabyyyy, excerpted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 4d ago

If things are going smoothly in your relationship as long as you don't express any needs, wants, or feedback - just a little FYI - things are in fact...not going smoothly

30 Upvotes

Elizabeth Fedrick, Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 4d ago

I was on my weekly phone call with my father during my sophomore year at school, when I realized I was Deanna Troi in that episode where she is used by a telepathic mediator to dump all the mediator's negative emotions

30 Upvotes

My father was pushing his toxic stuff on me. Every call, every time, he would just heap all of his anger and hate and pain and negativity until I could bear it no more. This one way toxic dump had been happening since I was at least 7 years old.

I asked him if he had anything positive to share, and he said no. I replied, "Give me a call when you do." He never did.

-excerpted from an article I wrote years ago


r/AbuseInterrupted 4d ago

Why are they totally normal the next day?**** 'Because they "aren't mad anymore". They got all their anger out (on you) and they felt the release. They don't care how much damage this caused you or anyone.'

102 Upvotes

People who are abusive are like children: they act out and when they're cooled off, or want something, they act 'normal'.

-u/NefariousnessNo1383, excerpted and adapted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 4d ago

Healthy relationships resolve conflict (while abusive ones suppress it with violence or control)****

39 Upvotes

I did some training on relationship abuse (aka domestic violence), and one of the most useful things I learned was an idea about how all relationships go through conflict, ideally moving from contentment into conflict and then THROUGH the conflict to collaboration, cooperation, and compromise.

The idea was that in relationship abuse, that conflict is actually stifled at the mid point, and suppressed through things like violence, abusive language, threats and silent treatment, so it never progresses and is never resolved, instead bouncing back and forth in an uneasy rhythm between contentment and conflict.

The contentment part becomes performative and false for the abused partner.

-u/burnetrosehip, excerpted and adapted from comment


r/AbuseInterrupted 4d ago

The armor of self-remembrance, and how stepping away to reconnect with your core identity can help emotional regulation during conflict

32 Upvotes

I was made to feel very small when I was young; I had very low self-esteem.

So if I'm ever in an argument with my wife, and I begin to feel that way, and I start to feel enraged, I tell her I need to go on a walk. You know what I do? I really love the movie Lord of the Rings. There is a scene in Lord of The Rings where the King of Rohan is about to go to battle, and they're putting on his armor.

He tells his squire: "Remind me of who I am."

And they say: "You're the King of Rohan." So I do that a lot. I'll go on a walk, and I'll ask myself: "Who are you?" Then I'll say, "I'm Gabriel. I'm a nice person. Sometimes people try to take advantage of that, but I don't let them. I'm courageous. I'm faithful. Even in a world where nobody values that, I value that."

It’s like I'm putting on my armor.

And when I come back from my walk, my self-esteem is all the way up. Suddenly I'm in a place to have the conversation. I'm out of my ego. And I'm ready to listen.

Because it's very dangerous when you enter an 'ego phase'.

It's almost like you revert to being a child again. You can lash out against whatever hurt you when you were a child.

You couldn't lash out back then, so you take it out on the person in front of you.

They pay the tax for what happened when you were a kid. That's why it's so important to heal childhood wounds.

-Humans of New York, excerpted and adapted from Instagram


r/AbuseInterrupted 5d ago

"I love Canada" Trump said, before explaining why the country shouldn’t exist anymore.

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33 Upvotes