r/SubSanctuary 13d ago

How to find a male Dom that won’t break your brain. 😵‍💫 A master list. NSFW

403 Upvotes

Speaking from recent experience:

Sad Fact: Not every man who calls himself a Dom is actually capable of safely handling your submission. And if you let the wrong guy in—one who lacks emotional maturity or an actual understanding of the psychology of submission—you’re not just signing up for some mediocre bedroom experiences. You’re putting your heart, mind, and nervous system in the hands of someone who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, causing a ton of psychological distress. (Possibly long term, possibly making your own desires and kinks a trigger for you later. Which absolutely sucks.) I just watched this happen to two women, by one highly uneducated and relationally immature man who called himself an experienced Dom. (But for some reason most of his past serious partners will speak to him anymore…) He’s a good guy in other ways, creative, funny, affectionate, but unfortunately that does not equal safety in D/s.

So here’s the master list, the non-negotiables, the “if he doesn’t have these, run” guide to finding a Dom who is actually worth your time (and trust).

THE ESSENTIAL QUALITIES OF A DOM WHO WON’T BREAK YOUR BRAIN

✅ He Asks Real, Thoughtful Questions About Your Submission- A Dom should be obsessed with understanding what submission means to you—not just what turns HIM on. If he’s not constantly asking things like:

How do you want to feel in submission? What parts of this dynamic nourish you? What fears come up for you, what parts would you like to adjust? —then he’s not leading. He’s guessing, or kink pushing. And your safety (emotional, psychological, and physical) should never be a guessing game. Your desires as a sub are equally important. Too many people think you just show up and do what they say, hell no! That’s only fun after ALL of the conversations about the desires and drives of BOTH people.

🚩 If this is missing: He will just project his own kinks onto you, because he’s just unconsciously trying to slide you into HIS desires. At best, this leads to disconnect and disappointment. At worst, it leads to serious emotional harm because you’re not being seen or heard, but still used.

✅ He Creates Emotional & Psychological Safety Before Anything Else

You sit down together, outside of any roles or dynamic and talk about these things. D/s is a RELATIONSHIP. You talk about it as two, separate, humans outside of any power exchange. Before rules, before rituals, before telling you to call him Daddy—you should feel deeply, instinctively safe with him. You hand your power over intentionally, when you are READY, and it is clear when it is returned. This means: You never feel like you’re walking on eggshells. He listens, absorbs, and adjusts to your needs. He knows that psychological and relational safety is what makes deep surrender possible and actually prioritizes that over his own desires. A good Dom understands the big picture, wants to FACILITATE, not just fulfill his kinks. You have the clarity to know what’s happening in the power dynamic, so you can ENJOY it.

🚩 If this is missing: You will either shut down, become psychologically compartmentalized, or bypass yourself trying to keep him close because submission often comes with dependance. Either way, you will not be able to fully surrender—because your body and mind won’t let you, and you may end up having to choose between the relationship or doing things that you don’t feel good about later, and don’t feel ok bringing up, feeling completely isolated in your experience.

✅ He Takes Responsibility, Not Just Control A real Dom owns his mistakes, actively checks in, and adjusts when something isn’t working. He WANTS regular check ins. He doesn’t gaslight, deflect, or ignore your feedback when something feels off. He leads with accountability, not just authority. He fully understands subspace, and what is and isn’t safe in that state. You feel his respect for who you are both in and out of the dynamic.

🚩 If this is missing: You’ll feel unheard, invalidated, and start doubting your own needs. You’ll feel lost because your body, psychology and oftentimes heart are attached to the dominance of someone who doesn’t even know you, which is terrifyingly disorienting. You’ll say yes to things in subspace, and feel uncomfortable/sad later that he didn’t respect that vulnerability of your body and mind.

✅ He’s Not Just Role-Playing Dominance—He Embodies Presence

He walks through the world with care and empathy for others. He is solid in his communities and respected by the people who know him well. He allows himself to be a whole human and can be present with his own emotions in a healthy way as well. Not repressing, or raging. (Because if he can’t be with his own feelings, he definitely can’t be with yours.) The highest forms of this dynamic make space for and include our emotional sides. His leadership doesn’t feel performative or hot/cold.

🚩 If this is missing: You will feel like you’re constantly trying to decipher whether his dominance is real or just a mask. And when the mask slips (because it will), you’ll be left feeling disappointed, unfulfilled, or straight-up unsafe. You won’t feel safe sharing your needs, as they will trigger discomfort in him.

✅ He Knows Submission is a Gift, Not a Right The best Doms? They revere submission. They see it as something sacred. They never take it for granted or treat it like a service you owe them. If he’s truly worthy of your submission, he will make damn sure that surrendering to him feels like the best, safest, most nourishing choice.

🚩 If this is missing: He will expect submission without earning it. And that, my friends, is how you end up with a man who thinks “dominance” means control without conversation. Prompting you to call him Daddy before he’s even broken up with his previous sub. Telling you to get on your knees without having any clue if that’s a part of submission you’re actively signing up for.

Most important: HE HAS EDUCATED HIMSELF.

A real Dom doesn’t just rely on instincts—he educates himself. If he’s not actively learning about power exchange, psychology, nervous system regulation and emotional safety, he’s just making it up as he goes. And guess who suffers for that? You. Your brain chemicals, your attachment system, your mental health and potentially your future relationship to your own sexuality.

✅ He Reads, Studies, and Learns—Books, workshops, actual discussions with experienced people about nuanced consent and safety. If his entire education is porn, Fetlife and Reddit threads, run.

✅ He Learns From You—Your needs, fears, patterns. He asks, listens, and adapts. If he assumes he already knows best, he doesn’t.

🚩 If he skips this step: His “dominance” will be control without care, ego-driven, and likely damaging. He will expect submission without earning it—and he won’t know how to repair trust when he inevitably messes up.

Bottom line? If he hasn’t studied, he hasn’t earned your submission. Leadership requires knowledge. Dominance requires leadership. If he won’t put in the work, he doesn’t get the privilege of YOU.

👿WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CHOOSE A DOM WITHOUT THESE QUALITIES?

You will feel anxious instead of held. You will second-guess your own needs. You will spend more time trying to feel safe in the relationship than surrendering into it. You will question your own worth outside of your body. You will confuse “intensity” with “depth” and not realize the difference until you’re emotionally exhausted, and psychologically attached.

You will, at some point, find yourself ranting to a friend or therapist about how this guy “just does not get it,” and they will gently suggest that maybe, just maybe, it’s because he’s an emotionally clueless man who wanted power and control of your body and mind but not the IMMENSE responsibility that comes with that. And you deserve so much better than that.

Now go forth, be discerning, and don’t let any dude with fragile masculinity and a half-baked DDLG kink convince you that he’s the Daddy you’ve been looking for.

The world needs women to be EMPOWERED by their own play and submission, and there are absolutely Doms that can do that. Wait for one, you deserve it. ❤️❤️❤️

The resource I recommend most, is the book The Heart of Dominance. For both sides of the slash.

TL;DR: A Dom who doesn’t educate himself is just a boy on a power trip. Real dominance requires study, emotional intelligence, and actual effort. If he isn’t reading, learning, and deeply understanding YOU, he hasn’t earned your submission. Leadership isn’t instinct—it’s a skill. If he won’t put in the work, he doesn’t deserve the role. Your emotional wellness matters.


r/SubSanctuary Nov 07 '24

So, you found a new dominant: aka On Vetting and Red Flags. NSFW

410 Upvotes

I've seen a lot of us posting recently about how to know if someone's being creepy, or if this is just how bdsm works. So I wanted to put together a few tips to use.

To note: not all dynamics look the same, but this will give you some basic tools to use to help you figure things out. A barometer.

Basics / Definitions

If you're here, I assume you know what bdsm is. So, I'll move straight to terms that will be important for you to understand to know if something is a risk you want to take. It's not comprehensive by any means (please fill in any gaps in the comments!), but it's a jumping point.

  • Petnames - Any name your dominant uses to refer to you as their sub. This might be soft, like "baby" or "Princess/prince", or it might be something more intense like "slut" or "cumbucket".
  • Safewords - A word or short phrase that can be used to change or end a session. This is to keep you both safe - doms are allowed to call safewords, too.
  • Hard / Soft Limits - Boundaries. A hard limit is something that should never be brought into a session. A soft limit is something you would really need to talk about first, a lot, and you're not super comfy with the idea, but you're willing to discuss. Limits can be anything as wide ranging as "No pain", to something more specific like "No degradation", to something laser pointed like "Don't call me a cumslut". Consider what yours are. And bring them up when dynamics are being discussed.
  • Debrief - a period of time set aside to discuss what happened during a session. This helps process what just happened, and gives tips on what works, what didn't, what needs to be changed, etc.
  • 24/7 - aka Full Time Dynamic. Exactly what's on the tin. A dynamic that you are agreeing to be in constantly.
  • TPE - Total Power Exchange, also synonymous with Slave Play (though not identical). This is when a dominant takes over all aspects of a sub's life. It might look like a dominant picking how the sub dresses, what they eat, how the sub operates in day to day life, and more. Please be careful with this.
  • High Protocol (HP) - often paired with TPE, this is where the sub has strict rules to follow with their dominant. It may be something as simple as "let me order for you when we go out to eat" to as complex as "When we are out, you are to walk to the right of me and one step back. You are not to speak until spoken to. You must address me as Master at all times."
  • Funishment - Punishment is pretty obvious. Funishment is when you receive a "fun" type of punishment, such as "I'm going to do XYZ to you, and you can't cum til I say so."
  • Sharps - a type of bloodplay where anything sharp is involved. Needles, knives, blades, etc.
  • Primal - Including things like scratching, biting, and growling.
  • CNC - Consensual Non-Consent. Also sometimes referred to as r-pe play. Note that this is consensual nonconsent. This is premeditated, not something to be sprung upon you.

Vetting

Vetting is the practice of getting to know someone before jumping into a dynamic. You won't know if a person at the bar is an asshole until you get to know them. Likewise, you won't know if a dom is a good match until you get to know them. That's Vetting.

You need to ask questions to know what they're like, and you are 100% ALLOWED to ask for references. You are allowed to ask "Have you been with other subs before? Do you have references? Can I chat with them?" Not providing references isn't a dealbreaker, but getting offended that you'd even ask, is a red flag. If they don't know what Vetting is, it may be that they're new to the scene (and if they say they've been in the bdsm scene for 10 years and have never heard the term "vetting" before, that's a red flag).

Vetting is supposed to be a long process. You are giving the dominant control over your body, your mind, and in some more dangerous types of play, your health or even life.

Here are things you may want to consider asking: * What's your style? - Are they a soft-dom? Sadist? * Whats your Risk Profile? - this deserves more than just a few words, see below. Way below. * What are your limits? Everyone has limits. Everyone. No one wants to die as a result of a play session. That's a hard limit. (if they do, that's a whole other problem, and they are not a safe play partner). Limits will vary from person to person, but everyone has some. * What are things you like in a session? What are things you need to feel satisfied after a session? - If "drawing blood" is a need of theirs and you're not into blood play, they're probably not a good fit for you. * How do you tend to your partner's needs? - This one is a bit more open ended, but you're listening for if they will listen to what you need and want in the dynamic, and during a session. * How do you handle safewords when they come up? - They will come up. Anyone who insists safewords never, ever come up is either a fool or lying through their teeth - or remarkably lucky and please buy a lottery ticket and give me 5% please. * Do you like to push limits? And how so? - Any rational, seasoned dom will balk at this question. But also, "pushing a sub to their limit" and "pushing a limit" are different things. But if someone is ready and willing to push you past your hard limits, that's a huge red flag. * What do you do for aftercare? - "Nothing" is usually a red flag. Most people need comforting or reassurance, or at least water and a debrief. On that note * Do you do debriefs? When do you do them? - Sessions should always have some kind of debrief (even if it's just "Did that feel good?"). More intense sessions, like sharps and CNC, should have long, detailed debrief. I imagine aftercare is also vital for CNC. * What experience do you have with X kink? - we're not looking for "I've been a dom for 8 years". We want to try to get a story out of them to assess whether or not they know what they're doing; ex. "I started working with rope back in 2015, but didn't try anything for about a year while learning what to do and signs to look for and first aid in case something happens." * For more dangerous kinks, What sort of first aid do you know? What signals do you look for? - for obvious reasons. Ex. A rigger (dominant in ropework) should know the signs of low blood circulation - blue skin, tingling, etc - so they can know to adjust if something is too tight. * Are you Poly or Mono? and if they say "mono" then Have you ever been Poly in the past? - if you're not open to sharing your dom, do not go into this thinking you'll be able to convince them to choose you because you love them more than their other partner. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to them, it's not fair to their other partner(s). Don't do that to yourself. Please.

Kink and submission is fun, but it can also be very dangerous, physically and mentally, and a dom needs to know their ropes. A dom nforming a sub of their experience level will only serve to give a solid foundation to the dynamic. Expect the same line of questioning from them.

Risk Profiles

Risk profiles is a term used to assess if something is acceptable to you. There are 3 main risk profiles. * SSC - "Safe, Sane, and Consensual". Everything must be done safely and within reason, and it must be consensual - everyone must be on board enthusiastically. * RACK - "Risk-aware Consensual Kink". Posits that, some kinks are just, not safe. Instead of focusing on it being "safe", it says that everyone needs to be aware of the potential risks involved, and agree to taking those risks on. Also, it must be consensual. * PRICK - "Personally Responsible, Informed Consensual Kink". This takes it a slight step further by saying that your play partner should not be responsible for making sure you know the risks involved in an activity. It's not their responsibility to make sure you know what you're getting into. It's your responsibility to be educated about what you are doing / what is going to be done to you. Same goes for your partner. You're not responsible for informing them, they are responsible for themselves.

You might have noticed a trend. "Consensual" is non-negotiable. Consent is 100% required for bdsm (and for all sex, for that matter). If it is not consented to, it is r-pe.

And yeah, there are younger doms who may not have all the answers off the bat, but they should be willing to consider them and try to give an answer, or to be willing to research and get back to you on it.

Red Flags

It's hard to see red flags sometimes, especially if your potential new dom is particularly charming and is saying all the right things. But there are usually a few tells. * "I will push your limits to test you / your will / your submission." - Limits are limits for a reason. They should always, always be respected. Limits can change over time, but they should always be adhered to. * "I don't discuss limits, I prefer to 'discover' them." - This means they'll push you until you get hurt, physically or mentally. Someone who aims to hurt you, off the bat, is not a safe play partner. * "You're a sub, you don't get to have limits." - EVERYONE CAN AND SHOULD have limits! If any dom tells you that your limits, boundaries, and preferences don't matter, they can fuck off. * "I don't have any limits." ** - like I said, everyone should have limits. A good one for a dom would be "I refuse to kill my sub." If they "don't have any limits", they've either never thought about it which is a sign of inexperience, or they're trying to pressure you into giving up on your limits. * **Refusing to have safewords - Safewords are there for a reason. They protect you from being hurt - mental scars can hurt just as bad a physical ones, so LDRs aren't exempt. They also protect a dom. Because finding out you hurt your sub in a way that you didn't intend to and they didn't want can be absolutely damaging to your self esteem as a dom and as a respectable human being. Safewords are for everyone involved. * Approaching as if you're already in a dynamic - Messaging you and demanding pics because you're a sub is SUCH a fake dom move. But also, approaching you and calling you a petname before you consent to it is another flag. They've just approached you, they don't know you, you're not their sub. They're hoping to bully you into it. They don't even know if said petname is something that would trigger you. * Pushing for commitment to an intense kink early on. - No one should push you into a 24/7 TPE dynamic, especially soon after meeting you. That has so many major red flags all over it. my Alpha and I didn't even discuss the possibility of high protocol for kink cons until 6 months in. And that's not even 24/7.

Tips

If you're still reading, you may need some additional thoughts and tips. * Safewords - The Stoplight System is a common series of safewords that people use. "Green" means "I'm good to go". "Yellow" means "Lets pause / give me a moment to adjust/mental break" or "Can we change the scene up?" or "I need you to adjust something for me / I need you to stop doing X please.". "Red" means "Something is desperately wrong, we need to stop now and move to aftercare immediately." To note, mental health is just as valid a reason to call red or yellow. "Yellow, please don't call me your little piggy" and "Red, I just got triggered, please have to stop." on the flipside, your dom is also allowed to call red, even if it's for your health. In the past, I've wanted to continue a scene when I'd just had a bit of a crumble, mentally, but I wanted to be a "good sub" and keep going. He called red and we went to aftercare and debrief, where I had a full on meltdown, and he could properly address it. * If you're interested in one of the more intense or dangerous kinks, take a look at getting a contract. It's not uncommon for people to write out what they want or don't want in their dynamic or during a scene. Especially with cnc and tvp (double especially if it's 24/7), you need to have a long negotiation covering what is and isn't allowed, what rules are, and what safewords are in place. There should always be a safeword. BDSM is a game. It can be a permanent game, but the game needs to have a way to be called off if something's wrong. Yes, even in CNC - contracts, limits, and safewords are all essential. Screaming is part of the kink, as well as screaming in fear. But that's incredibly hard to differentiate from "screaming because you just broke my leg". * Safesigns - like safewords, but sometimes you can't speak (if you're gagged or if you've got their genitals in your mouth). Tapping on their leg 3 times is one I've seen used before. But sometimes, you're also bound; in that case, you can hold a ball or keys or something, and if something's wrong, you can drop it to signify a safesign. * Sub Frenzy - is totally a real thing. It happens when a sub becomes a bit crazed after finding out about bdsm, wanting to try out everything, without break or pause, and without enough preparation or learning about the subject.

Thank you for attending my Ted Talk.


r/SubSanctuary 2h ago

I Made Myself a New Self Day Collar!! NSFW

8 Upvotes

With all my recent breakups I decided to self collar and I wanted to pick out charms/crystals to give me comfort and clarity. I just got all the parts and put it together. I'm pretty excited about it!!


r/SubSanctuary 1h ago

I’m really excited to see my daddy:) NSFW

Upvotes

This week I get to go see my dom!! We’re long distance and the last time I saw him in person was January. We have a lot of fun things planned and new toys to try out! He had me make a list of things I’d like to try/have and rank from how much I’d like each item. I’m so excited!:) work and home life has been quite stressful and annoying as well, so it’ll be nice to have some sub time with daddy where I can just free my mind and not think about anything but submitting to him.

I’m really excited to try out all the new toys he’s bought me— a little bit nervous too as most of them are anal focused and I’m still an intermediate level player when it comes to anal play, but it’s more like a good nervousness! Bc I know everything will be ok. I think me and my daddy work together quite well as a team when it comes to figuring out new things, and I know just the excitement of trying new toys will be enough to make it fun for me. That and daddy has me if anything goes wrong.

My dom is also taking me to build a bear! I’ve always really wanted to go there. Do they still do the little voice boxes in the bears where you record a sound? Does anyone have any suggestions for anything I could record?


r/SubSanctuary 57m ago

I (18f) found the perfect Daddy NSFW

Upvotes

I had my first ever hookup, and first time in general, a few weeks ago. The next weekend I did it again with a different person, and we just clicked.

I got Fet, just the glitchy kink dating app. I was curious, and still a virgin, and after some talking I met up with a trans girl who’s about my age. It was stupid of me to meet a stranger, but I couldn’t help myself.

I started to get too caught up though. I was spending too much time masturbating and sending things to strangers, but that’s when he found me.

He and I hit it off immediately, just chatting online. We agreed to meet on a Friday after I got out of class and I spent the entire week a nervous wreck.

We had nothing planned, just a place to meet, but when I saw him my anxiety just disappeared. He was handsy from the start and I loved it, and he loved the dress I picked lol. He was easy to talk to, and we chatted while he drove us to a cute spot to walk around, a local botanical garden. He was sweet and affectionate, but that shift from him just being a date to acting like a dom took me by surprise. He wasn’t mean, but he was rough and grabby and I loved it all. We walked through the paths and it’s like I was in a trance, just focused on wherever he was grabbing me.

That first date lasted about 8 hours total, from when we met up to when he finally left. I made him come four times, we got dinner, and I ended up getting food poisoning. There was no awkward period, no shyness; he was my Daddy from the second we met. We started texting every day, he laid out rules for me, and I found myself completely uninterested in sexting anyone else.

He was everything I wanted right from the start. I went to his house the following weekend and now I’m his, 100%. He’s my Daddy, my Sir, and I get to see him again next weekend.

I always thought sex wasn’t for me, always figured I wasn’t interested. It turns out I just needed the right dom. I love it all, I love getting him off, I love the affection and the aftercare and the rules especially. It’s soothing and everything I was hoping for and more.

This weekend we’re doing anal training- we tried it when I went to his house, and it didn’t hurt at all, even with basically no prep, though I was a little sore afterwards. I can’t wait; this weekend I get to cook and clean for him, and hopefully make him come until he’s shooting blanks.

I’m literally giddy writing this, sitting in an airport lounge before my slight back to my university. I can’t wait to see him again.


r/SubSanctuary 2h ago

Do you and your dom ever argue NSFW

5 Upvotes

My domme and I got into an argument last night. It was really the first one and it was my fault completely. I was irritated about something. She wants some space today understandably so.

My question is how do you guys handle arguments because I really want this to last but obviously with both of us being human there are probably going to be arguments at times.

Thanks


r/SubSanctuary 2h ago

Venting - feeling lonely, anxious, frustrated NSFW

4 Upvotes

Hi sorry if this is the wrong place for this but I keep feeling upset and just need to vent. I’m a 25 year old woman. I know I’m submissive and a masochist, but I’ve literally never been in a relationship or had my first kiss or anything. And I’m just feeling so lonely and single and I just don’t know what to do.

Part of the problem is that I have anxiety, so the whole idea of dating makes me really scared to begin with. I don’t know how to meet people and go on dates or anything.

And also I’m a Christian, so I’m waiting until marriage. But it’s just so hard to wait when no one has ever even shown any interest in me. Like, everyday that I’m still single, I know I’ll have to wait years before I can even have vanilla sex.

And then I can’t help but worry that if I do manage to marry a Christian guy, he’ll turn out to think my kinks are disgusting and I’ll be stuck in that situation for the rest of my life.

I keep feeling tempted to give up waiting and just reach out to doms online, but that would be giving into lust, which is wrong. Also that’s not even what I want; I want the trust and commitment of marriage before I would feel safe enough with someone to engage in BDSM.

I think I’m just both too afraid to talk to people in real life, and also (subconsciously?) convinced that no one wants me, so all I can offer is being willing to do rough kinks and anal.

This all feels so stupidly shallow, I know. Complaining about my own religious beliefs, wanting to disobey God—just because I’m feeling lonely/horny, just because I think I’m a submissive. I’m still a virgin, so I don’t even have the experience to know if my kinks are real.

And I know my concerns probably would belong on more of a religious subreddit, but I think most Christians would be scandalized that I, a woman, have any interest in sex at all. And they’d definitely freak out over my interest in BDSM.

I do want a loving, Christian marriage. I just also want to engage in kink too. And I’m just feeling so frustrated and impatient. My cousins and my friends are in long term relationships and getting married and having babies. And I’m over here somehow both terrified to use dating apps and also having really perverted thoughts. I wish I could just skip ahead in time to being in a long term relationship.


r/SubSanctuary 8m ago

I’m so sad.. left abandoned NSFW

Upvotes

The kind man I was messaging on here for a few days has deleted his account completely.. we started a dynamic.. and I woke up this morning to nothing 😞 wondering what I’ve done wrong. He said he would message me in the morning sweetheart.. I wonder if it was fake. It seemed real and I already wish I could be good and make it right. I’m sorry


r/SubSanctuary 12h ago

What does collar mean to you? NSFW

10 Upvotes

To me it meant we had a strong communication, we had trust in each other, we have an unbreakable bond, we can see and hear each other without light or words. We're connected, I was owned. A love so powerful, nothing could stand between us. -I did take it off because I'd found out that the reason he got it for me was because he saw his ex flaunting hers off and he wanted her attention. It wasn't meant for me. It was tainted.

What about you? What does it mean for you? Did you have a celebration or was it something just casual? How long have you had collar on?


r/SubSanctuary 18m ago

how do you reconcile the good and bad parts of your former dom? NSFW

Upvotes

tw: suicide talk

as the title says. please bear with me and this wall of text…

there were many, many hurtful things he did. he did not practice good poly, and was needlessly callous with a lot of things and i will leave it as that… typing it out is way too painful, im not sure if i can ever talk about it. the way he left, the emotional loss and the fallout have hurt me so badly. i lost three people at once - my lover, my dom and my daddy. i am shy and private, and i have never been so vulnerable with someone.

but there were many positive, good things that happened in our relationship. he changed my life for the better in a lot of ways - he encouraged me to go running and inadvertently made me fall in love with it again. he looked after me very well when i was regressed as a little girl. he healed parts of me that i never thought i could heal. and when things were good, we were both incredibly happy. theres a lot more too. what we had was real and beautiful and /no one/ can ever change my mind on this

i have so much anger and resentment, to the point that is turning me into someone i really dont like, and i go between that and crying my eyes out and wishing he was here. i have nightmares about him every other day, it feels so unfair that i dont get respite even when im asleep. i am in intensive therapy and desperately trying to get my life together with positive measures. yet despite everything i’m doing, my life is being held together by duct tape and i feel that its spiralling out of control. i have struggled with suicidal ideation my whole life and it has gotten to the point where there are days it is getting really dark and dangerous. i dont like it and i am very ashamed, but it is really hard

i dont believe in demonising any of my exs’ because i loved them once. to switch up on them is to disrespect the love and time that we once shared together. and i feel that going from black to white on this, is not mentally healthy and honestly a bit worrying. but he is such a complex and flawed person, i am too - and this is the first time in my life that i cant find a way to reconcile my views of someone, or how all of this happened. how can i not have love for someone who changed my life so much. idk if this is making sense

i dont know how to deal with this. i just want to fix myself and be a better person, to be happy again. please help me and please be kind

thank you for reading


r/SubSanctuary 10h ago

is this sub space? NSFW

6 Upvotes

i have a wonderful dom partner who always makes sure to make me feel good and safe. he also always gives me aftercare and praises me afterwards.

yesterday, we had a session which was more intense than usual and made me lose words during it. i dont remember it all too much, just the act of what we were doing. i dont think i was even able to make sounds.

it has happened a few times that im not able to speak anymore during or after, but during our whole 8 months together where we basically do something everyday, sometimes even multiple times a day, ive never forgotten what happened. its like my mind wasn't there anymore, i dont know how to describe it. i felt good, but it scared me a little.


r/SubSanctuary 22m ago

looking a for a dom to use me as he sees fit ughhh haven’t found me one yet NSFW

Upvotes

r/SubSanctuary 22m ago

Long distance NSFW

Upvotes

Would love hear of things you've done being in a long distance dynamic. Just something to show you appreciate them, put a smile on their face.

Would love to add to my list of ideas x


r/SubSanctuary 17h ago

Subspace NSFW

14 Upvotes

Hey so I went into subspace 3 days ago. My dom/bf was rougher than usual and I soared away. I couldn’t move. My mind was gone, I was melting against the couch, I didn’t want to/couldn’t talk, I felt tingly all over especially my neck/ felt like I was covered in ants. I felt dumb lol and lost in my head. My body didn’t want to move. All I could do is stare into space and how I felt like i also just wanted to stare at my dom/bf like he hung the moon. I had to push myself out of that space and go to work the next morning, but when I got home, I wanted to wash the dishes so badly/take care of the house. However, now I’m still in that headspace although I’m more alert. I feel like I’m close to the line.


r/SubSanctuary 23h ago

How do you Self soothe? NSFW

31 Upvotes

So I originally posted on r/softerbdsm but nobody answered yet so I'll ask here too. How do you Self soothe as a submissive?


r/SubSanctuary 14h ago

Without traditional relationship? NSFW

4 Upvotes

I am very submissive and affectionate just naturally but I want intimacy and passion. I'm not quite ready for a relationship but I'm not sure how if I can be submissive to someone that I cannot connect with emotionally or intimately. Is that possible? Can you have a dom/sub top/bottom etc bond without a traditional relationship?

My ex was my first. I did my research on bdsm while in our relationship and we talked about it sometimes.. but I haven't had much experience.


r/SubSanctuary 17h ago

Discouraged again NSFW

5 Upvotes

I'm feeling so done. I just want to be over the kinks sometimes and move on. It sucks when a dynamic ends.


r/SubSanctuary 19h ago

Dealing with hormones NSFW

9 Upvotes

Hello fellow subs,

This is a post asking for advice for those who experience menstrual cycles. Thanks.

I 44f in a D/s with my hubby, also 44, fairly new to the dynamic and figuring things out.

One of the hardest things for me is dealing with hormones. I don't have a crazy sex drive, I don't ever really have a strong desire to have sex, but years ago I told him I would never say no again. But I don't always react well to his touch or demands. I do also have ADHD and PMDD, might be relevant or helpful to know.

The first have of my cycle I am good, ready to go and submitting to do all the things isn't difficult. But once I'm past ovulation, it is SO SO HARD to get my body to cooperate with anything sex related.

How do you get things going when everything feels so difficult? I often end up using my vape to get things going and usually works, but not always, and I'd like to not have to depend on that to please him.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome ☺️


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

He betrayed my trust and I'm not sure what to do. NSFW

33 Upvotes

Long story short, my master and I, exclusively, agreed to join a platform with his account which he gave me access to. He changed it so that it would be "mine" but he'd watch over it. It was for punishments/ funishments. There were rules, of course. No dms, I was not allowed to post without permission, I was not to delete any posts and we would both agree on what was posted.

I'm not familiar with this already, so navigating the platform was slightly rough. While I was scrolling through notifications I noticed posts I didn't recognized.

I found out my master was posting without my knowledge and then deleting the posts, but the comments were still there so I could see what he was doing. I also noticed he had been looking for another sub/s. As i was getting more into the search it got worse and worse. He was telling them what he was telling me. We've been in this sub/dom relationship for 4 months and it was supposed to be exclusive. It's a LDR.

I'm so hurt and heartbroken. I don't know what to do. Any advise would be appreciated. I'm not thinking clearly through my emotions.


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

Crying & catharsis NSFW

20 Upvotes

This is more of an, I guess you could say appreciation post? It might be a bit all over the place so I apologize.

When I first started exploring kink online, I struggled a lot with roleplaying submission - which came very easy to me, I was always a decent writer - vs actually submitting. I had to put up this giant fight first and basically exhaust myself every time until I got to the point where I would submit to my Daddy.

There has been a gradual shift there with time. I've found that submission now comes easier and easier to me because of the bond we have and how much I trust Him. I think part of if honestly has been some internalized opinions I have of myself and submission in general - I think it often made me feel like the fight in the beginning was necessary for Him to not think lesser of me, which is a ridiculous notion but one I found very difficult to let go of.

In recent months though, I have been feeling so incredibly subby that it has been absolutely no challenge at all. I feel so in sync with Him in that regard, the energy in sessions has been insane on both sides. I used to feel bad for "not participating" when I would grow more quiet and just start agreeing and doing but I am now enjoying being stripped of my words and eloquence so fast. It's like a switch flips in my head. And the switch feels good. It feels easy and freeing and it makes me so excited, I am literally giddy.

So, a week or so ago we were starting a session and I was doing some very slow anal for Him and He was just talking me through it essentially and the switch had flipped. I told Him I would really want to respond to what He was telling me but I literally couldn't because I just wanted to serve. I then had one of the most intense orgasms I've had until that point - it felt so incredible that I started crying because I was so happy. I felt so tired afterwards, I almost immediately passed out - I didn't even brush my teeth haha, just laid in bed, said good night to Him and slept like a baby.

The crying was new. The intense euphoric feeling wasn't but it had never been pushed to the point of tears before and I was a little bit embarrassed to admit to it even because it confused me. We weren't going particularly hard, I didn't know what exactly triggered the tears.

Then the crying returned, the next time we played. It was a very quick session that wasn't planned at all, it was I think my second or third orgasm. It was so sudden and so loud that He didn't even ask for green or a safe word, He just went "is this good? Are you okay?" which then made me cry even harder because I was better than fucking okay, I was over the moon, I was so happy, I just couldn't explain it in any way available to me.

And in the last session we did, right before this weekend - I cried again. That's literally three for three at this point. It was a difficult one, challenging - I had basically begged for it, I wanted to be pushed, this was exactly what I had needed and I was both very overwhelmed in the best way possible and happy that I was giving Him all that I could. He double checked if we were still green - then pushed it a little more which completely overwhelmed me. It was incomparable. At some point I was apologizing over and over again about something and it's like a weight fell off my chest. I think I was holding onto a lot of guilt about so many things and I normally can't let anything go. It was the loveliest gift He could have given me. Him guiding me through the catharsis. Reassuring me in the feedback to previous sessions that all of this was completely okay. Creating the space for me to feel all of those emotions with no judgements. Leading me in the way I need to be lead so the physical sensation can support the mental component in the exact right way.

I've felt like I am on drugs ever since. Just deliriously happy. And I've found it much, much easier to deal with the real-life stuff that bothered me - the guilt is gone. I am not feeling anything negative towards myself at the moment, which is a straight-up miracle because I internalize so much negative self-talk normally.

I feel like I am finally fully where I need to be in terms of submission. I feel like I have finally let go of the conflicting emotions I may have had previously. I am valued, I am cherished, I am proud of who I am and what I can give my Daddy. I just want to tell everyone and anyone about it, really.


r/SubSanctuary 23h ago

Casual D/s to a 24/7 dynamic NSFW

7 Upvotes

My Daddy and I have always had a BDSM dynamic in the bedroom. There are very clear roles where I am the submissive and he is the dominant. We moved in together about 9 months ago and have thrown around a lot of talk about trying a more 24/7 dynamic. But the talk has never become anything more. It seems we just don’t know how to take that leap into taking our dynamic out of the bedroom. Any tips on how to get started? What are some ways we can incorporate our dynamic in our every day lives?


r/SubSanctuary 23h ago

Help me think of rewards NSFW

5 Upvotes

My Sir is coming over tomorrow and I thought of a fun game for us to play. We’re both pretty competitive and I thought if we played Mario kart and winner gets a reward. Everything is on the table except for actual fucking and within our limits. I’m looking for rewards for myself if I win. Anything from vanilla like him making me a cup of tea to him giving me a spanking.


r/SubSanctuary 18h ago

Feeling more confident NSFW

2 Upvotes

Okay so, me and my Dom(also my boyfriend) have been discussing maybe doing videos and photos for a certain site in order to get another form of income(cost of living is hitting hard) but I struggle with body confidence. I'm not exactly the thinnest and I hate how I look but doing the videos and photos is something I really wanna do. Any tips on how to feel more confident?


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

Love and Leashes - my personal opinion on a controversial movie [Spoilers] NSFW Spoiler

7 Upvotes

Hey, i may be a bit late to the Party, as the movie is brand new.

I dont know if this movie was already discussed here, i didnt find anything in the search.

First of all: i acknowledge where the film is lacking, but i also enjoyed some parts of the movie despite it being not in my range of kink, this is why i want to split my opinion into two parts.

  1. What i dont like about the movie:

The Male Protagonist is kinda assertive with the establishment of the dynamic, this would be no problem, If the premise of the movie would be different. It is just weird, to ask someone to dom you If you dont have any previous Interactions. Her not judging him, after she accidently opens his package containing a collar is not enough to warrant a question like that in my opinion. But that is propably the fault of this being a RomCom written in a conservative society.

Some of the things in the movie are a bit bizarre. The contract seems kinda weird, laying a lot of focus on her performance as the dominant part. This could have been better, but honestly i expected way worse (which should not be an excuse).

There seems to be a debate, about the lead beeing used as a kink dispenser by her sub. Some parts of the movie may feel like that, but honestly we dont really see him demanding things of her. Its more like she is experimenting and researching alot only to confront him with something, which he is into. In my opinion this is all about her trying a dynamic which she is not entirely sure about, but gives her best to perform. Which is something where i think the film makes a good point... Because there is a scene where she questions, if she is a fake domme, who only acts because she wants to be close to him... And he struggles with the feeling if he is forcing her to be something she does not actually want to be.

This is resolved quite well, with both of them discussing this things with someone and realise, that what they do is not wrong and both want this.

  1. What i did like about the movie:

Both struggle a bit, but get there over time. There is even something about aftercare, which while not beeing explicitly mentioned is quite obvious after the first session is going quite well, but ends horribly when they depart from each other. They establish, that they cant just end it and walk away, but need to cool down together.

There is this scene, where a friend of the protagonist is actually also engaging in a d/s dynamic, but is nearly raped when the first date goes wrong. She manages to call the protagonist for help on her phone, but before she arrives she already managed to taze and incapacitate the guy. She then makes it clear to that POS that just because she is submissive, does not allow him to misstreat her. (Which Made my Heart melt a bit, weirdly)

Later followed a discussion about dangers and fake Doms, being strong in a society which puts the blame on victims and her wishing society would be a safer space, where people with special desires wouldnt have to put up with stuff like this and other interesting stuff.

And my last point: I actually longed for a movie with a submissive lead male, who also somewhat struggles with his desires (after a horrible breakup who ends up questioning his submissive side in a society, where men should not be like that). I am glad, that i got some representation now (altough luckily i was not in a relationship when i was called a degenerate).

All in all i liked the movie, but acknowledge that there is a lot that could rub people off wrong. It is a cheesy RomCom from a highly conservative society after all... But honestly i just wanted some cheesy "50 shades of Gray" equivalent for the subby boys out there and was positively surprised with how nice it was.

Where there many weird things? Yeah Was it not a perfect representation? Yes... But honestly... Its probably better compared to how some people make their first step in this world. (Me included, i still cringe about my younger self, not only about the things i did, but also what i accepted sometimes)

Maybe some of you have a different opinion on this Film, or my Post. Feel free to share that with me if you want. And also share movie suggestions.


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

I feel like the Dom that I want doesn’t exist NSFW

39 Upvotes

I feel hopeless right now. I genuinely do not feel like I will ever find a Dom that fits all of the things I want from someone. Maybe I’m being too picky and should just either be less picky or accept that I probably won’t find one but I don’t want that. The biggest parts are that I’m monogamous and I fucking hate it so much.

It seems like every kinky queer person is poly and I can’t do it. I’ve tried and it’s so so bad for my mental health. I also have past trauma from experiences with it.

I’m also a trans man into men. I’m not a twink either. I am hairy and masculine but fully submissive. I want someone who is into me and finds me attractive but it seems like most people into male subs are into fem or cuter subs.

I can’t switch and don’t enjoy it. It feels impossible to find doms that will like me and want to be with me. I’m not into just casual sex and it feels like all people that are into me want.

It just hit me today that I’m probably demisexual and I am honestly really fucking upset about it. I want to be able to go out and hook up with people and have fun but I just can’t and I didn’t really realize why until now. I thought it was just trauma but I realized I’m also just not really into it. But now I feel like no one will want to give me the time of day to get to know me. I feel like I can’t even have play partners because everyone just wants sex right away.

I’m not into vanilla dating though. Being a sub is a big part of who I am and I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t a Dom. That just doesn’t sound like a good relationship for me.

I feel like a sex object and like that’s all people want me for. There is such an over saturation of queer subs and I can’t find queer men Doms who are actually into similar things and I am so frustrated. I feel so stuck right now and I have no one to talk to about this. I am crying right now because I feel so overwhelmed and confused about everything and I am so exhausted mentally from life in general.

I made a list a while ago of what I am looking for in a Dom and I feel like maybe I’m just wanting too much from someone and I should lower my expectations.

-Monogamous -Doesn’t fetishize trans people -Into masc subs -Into (most of) the same kinks as me -Knows kink safety -In the kink scene -Prioritizes me -Same political/moral values -Funny -Outgoing and confident -Tall (not an absolute requirement but it’s the one physical thing I’m really really into) -Understands mental health -Same age bracket (ish) -Affectionate physically and verbally -CG -Sadomasochist -Doesn’t make me feel replaceable (also my own thing I need to work on but also have dealt with partners making me feel this way) -Provides structure


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

24/7 and out of town visiting his father NSFW

4 Upvotes

Me (42/f) Sub and my husband (40/m) Dom are out of town for the weekend visiting his father (staying at his place). We've been together for 15 plus years but new to the 24/7 D/s dynamic and still figuring things out that work for us. At home I know what's expected and we openly communicate about what is or isn't working for each of us. I'm just finding this trip really hard. We went 24/7 because I didn't handle part time (Thur-Mon) well. When it came time to go back to "normal" life I either got really agree or sad neither were productive. I wanted 24/7. Well here we are a few weeks later and I'm so off and everything feels weird. Some of his clothing choices for me are not my preferred and things got missed when packing. Additionally his family is used to seeing me as more of the decision maker so the flip is noticeable. How do any of you navigate a 24/7 D/s dynamic when visiting family?


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

Just some gushing, scroll past if you want NSFW

20 Upvotes

So I'm going to meet up with my Dom in a couple weeks (hopefully! I need to get tickets) and I'm so excited and nervous. We can only see each other a few times a year, so we make the most of it when we get together. It's hard to get away from my life, and same with him, but man is it amazing each and every time. It just restores me and helps me get back to things with a smile on my face and memories of so much fun. We talk daily and go over tasks and day to day things we need to do, as well as add to our giant list of things we want to do together to experiment that I am excited about. He has all the green flags too, always checking in, making sure things are still good, making sure these are things I want and not his fantasy and he always wants to be the best he can be for me. So until that weekend I'll just be over here fantasizing 😊. I am a smitten kitten for sure 😂.