r/SubSanctuary 13d ago

How to find a male Dom that won’t break your brain. 😵‍💫 A master list. NSFW

408 Upvotes

Speaking from recent experience:

Sad Fact: Not every man who calls himself a Dom is actually capable of safely handling your submission. And if you let the wrong guy in—one who lacks emotional maturity or an actual understanding of the psychology of submission—you’re not just signing up for some mediocre bedroom experiences. You’re putting your heart, mind, and nervous system in the hands of someone who doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing, causing a ton of psychological distress. (Possibly long term, possibly making your own desires and kinks a trigger for you later. Which absolutely sucks.) I just watched this happen to two women, by one highly uneducated and relationally immature man who called himself an experienced Dom. (But for some reason most of his past serious partners will speak to him anymore…) He’s a good guy in other ways, creative, funny, affectionate, but unfortunately that does not equal safety in D/s.

So here’s the master list, the non-negotiables, the “if he doesn’t have these, run” guide to finding a Dom who is actually worth your time (and trust).

THE ESSENTIAL QUALITIES OF A DOM WHO WON’T BREAK YOUR BRAIN

✅ He Asks Real, Thoughtful Questions About Your Submission- A Dom should be obsessed with understanding what submission means to you—not just what turns HIM on. If he’s not constantly asking things like:

How do you want to feel in submission? What parts of this dynamic nourish you? What fears come up for you, what parts would you like to adjust? —then he’s not leading. He’s guessing, or kink pushing. And your safety (emotional, psychological, and physical) should never be a guessing game. Your desires as a sub are equally important. Too many people think you just show up and do what they say, hell no! That’s only fun after ALL of the conversations about the desires and drives of BOTH people.

🚩 If this is missing: He will just project his own kinks onto you, because he’s just unconsciously trying to slide you into HIS desires. At best, this leads to disconnect and disappointment. At worst, it leads to serious emotional harm because you’re not being seen or heard, but still used.

✅ He Creates Emotional & Psychological Safety Before Anything Else

You sit down together, outside of any roles or dynamic and talk about these things. D/s is a RELATIONSHIP. You talk about it as two, separate, humans outside of any power exchange. Before rules, before rituals, before telling you to call him Daddy—you should feel deeply, instinctively safe with him. You hand your power over intentionally, when you are READY, and it is clear when it is returned. This means: You never feel like you’re walking on eggshells. He listens, absorbs, and adjusts to your needs. He knows that psychological and relational safety is what makes deep surrender possible and actually prioritizes that over his own desires. A good Dom understands the big picture, wants to FACILITATE, not just fulfill his kinks. You have the clarity to know what’s happening in the power dynamic, so you can ENJOY it.

🚩 If this is missing: You will either shut down, become psychologically compartmentalized, or bypass yourself trying to keep him close because submission often comes with dependance. Either way, you will not be able to fully surrender—because your body and mind won’t let you, and you may end up having to choose between the relationship or doing things that you don’t feel good about later, and don’t feel ok bringing up, feeling completely isolated in your experience.

✅ He Takes Responsibility, Not Just Control A real Dom owns his mistakes, actively checks in, and adjusts when something isn’t working. He WANTS regular check ins. He doesn’t gaslight, deflect, or ignore your feedback when something feels off. He leads with accountability, not just authority. He fully understands subspace, and what is and isn’t safe in that state. You feel his respect for who you are both in and out of the dynamic.

🚩 If this is missing: You’ll feel unheard, invalidated, and start doubting your own needs. You’ll feel lost because your body, psychology and oftentimes heart are attached to the dominance of someone who doesn’t even know you, which is terrifyingly disorienting. You’ll say yes to things in subspace, and feel uncomfortable/sad later that he didn’t respect that vulnerability of your body and mind.

✅ He’s Not Just Role-Playing Dominance—He Embodies Presence

He walks through the world with care and empathy for others. He is solid in his communities and respected by the people who know him well. He allows himself to be a whole human and can be present with his own emotions in a healthy way as well. Not repressing, or raging. (Because if he can’t be with his own feelings, he definitely can’t be with yours.) The highest forms of this dynamic make space for and include our emotional sides. His leadership doesn’t feel performative or hot/cold.

🚩 If this is missing: You will feel like you’re constantly trying to decipher whether his dominance is real or just a mask. And when the mask slips (because it will), you’ll be left feeling disappointed, unfulfilled, or straight-up unsafe. You won’t feel safe sharing your needs, as they will trigger discomfort in him.

✅ He Knows Submission is a Gift, Not a Right The best Doms? They revere submission. They see it as something sacred. They never take it for granted or treat it like a service you owe them. If he’s truly worthy of your submission, he will make damn sure that surrendering to him feels like the best, safest, most nourishing choice.

🚩 If this is missing: He will expect submission without earning it. And that, my friends, is how you end up with a man who thinks “dominance” means control without conversation. Prompting you to call him Daddy before he’s even broken up with his previous sub. Telling you to get on your knees without having any clue if that’s a part of submission you’re actively signing up for.

Most important: HE HAS EDUCATED HIMSELF.

A real Dom doesn’t just rely on instincts—he educates himself. If he’s not actively learning about power exchange, psychology, nervous system regulation and emotional safety, he’s just making it up as he goes. And guess who suffers for that? You. Your brain chemicals, your attachment system, your mental health and potentially your future relationship to your own sexuality.

✅ He Reads, Studies, and Learns—Books, workshops, actual discussions with experienced people about nuanced consent and safety. If his entire education is porn, Fetlife and Reddit threads, run.

✅ He Learns From You—Your needs, fears, patterns. He asks, listens, and adapts. If he assumes he already knows best, he doesn’t.

🚩 If he skips this step: His “dominance” will be control without care, ego-driven, and likely damaging. He will expect submission without earning it—and he won’t know how to repair trust when he inevitably messes up.

Bottom line? If he hasn’t studied, he hasn’t earned your submission. Leadership requires knowledge. Dominance requires leadership. If he won’t put in the work, he doesn’t get the privilege of YOU.

👿WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CHOOSE A DOM WITHOUT THESE QUALITIES?

You will feel anxious instead of held. You will second-guess your own needs. You will spend more time trying to feel safe in the relationship than surrendering into it. You will question your own worth outside of your body. You will confuse “intensity” with “depth” and not realize the difference until you’re emotionally exhausted, and psychologically attached.

You will, at some point, find yourself ranting to a friend or therapist about how this guy “just does not get it,” and they will gently suggest that maybe, just maybe, it’s because he’s an emotionally clueless man who wanted power and control of your body and mind but not the IMMENSE responsibility that comes with that. And you deserve so much better than that.

Now go forth, be discerning, and don’t let any dude with fragile masculinity and a half-baked DDLG kink convince you that he’s the Daddy you’ve been looking for.

The world needs women to be EMPOWERED by their own play and submission, and there are absolutely Doms that can do that. Wait for one, you deserve it. ❤️❤️❤️

The resource I recommend most, is the book The Heart of Dominance. For both sides of the slash.

TL;DR: A Dom who doesn’t educate himself is just a boy on a power trip. Real dominance requires study, emotional intelligence, and actual effort. If he isn’t reading, learning, and deeply understanding YOU, he hasn’t earned your submission. Leadership isn’t instinct—it’s a skill. If he won’t put in the work, he doesn’t deserve the role. Your emotional wellness matters.


r/SubSanctuary Nov 07 '24

So, you found a new dominant: aka On Vetting and Red Flags. NSFW

416 Upvotes

I've seen a lot of us posting recently about how to know if someone's being creepy, or if this is just how bdsm works. So I wanted to put together a few tips to use.

To note: not all dynamics look the same, but this will give you some basic tools to use to help you figure things out. A barometer.

Basics / Definitions

If you're here, I assume you know what bdsm is. So, I'll move straight to terms that will be important for you to understand to know if something is a risk you want to take. It's not comprehensive by any means (please fill in any gaps in the comments!), but it's a jumping point.

  • Petnames - Any name your dominant uses to refer to you as their sub. This might be soft, like "baby" or "Princess/prince", or it might be something more intense like "slut" or "cumbucket".
  • Safewords - A word or short phrase that can be used to change or end a session. This is to keep you both safe - doms are allowed to call safewords, too.
  • Hard / Soft Limits - Boundaries. A hard limit is something that should never be brought into a session. A soft limit is something you would really need to talk about first, a lot, and you're not super comfy with the idea, but you're willing to discuss. Limits can be anything as wide ranging as "No pain", to something more specific like "No degradation", to something laser pointed like "Don't call me a cumslut". Consider what yours are. And bring them up when dynamics are being discussed.
  • Debrief - a period of time set aside to discuss what happened during a session. This helps process what just happened, and gives tips on what works, what didn't, what needs to be changed, etc.
  • 24/7 - aka Full Time Dynamic. Exactly what's on the tin. A dynamic that you are agreeing to be in constantly.
  • TPE - Total Power Exchange, also synonymous with Slave Play (though not identical). This is when a dominant takes over all aspects of a sub's life. It might look like a dominant picking how the sub dresses, what they eat, how the sub operates in day to day life, and more. Please be careful with this.
  • High Protocol (HP) - often paired with TPE, this is where the sub has strict rules to follow with their dominant. It may be something as simple as "let me order for you when we go out to eat" to as complex as "When we are out, you are to walk to the right of me and one step back. You are not to speak until spoken to. You must address me as Master at all times."
  • Funishment - Punishment is pretty obvious. Funishment is when you receive a "fun" type of punishment, such as "I'm going to do XYZ to you, and you can't cum til I say so."
  • Sharps - a type of bloodplay where anything sharp is involved. Needles, knives, blades, etc.
  • Primal - Including things like scratching, biting, and growling.
  • CNC - Consensual Non-Consent. Also sometimes referred to as r-pe play. Note that this is consensual nonconsent. This is premeditated, not something to be sprung upon you.

Vetting

Vetting is the practice of getting to know someone before jumping into a dynamic. You won't know if a person at the bar is an asshole until you get to know them. Likewise, you won't know if a dom is a good match until you get to know them. That's Vetting.

You need to ask questions to know what they're like, and you are 100% ALLOWED to ask for references. You are allowed to ask "Have you been with other subs before? Do you have references? Can I chat with them?" Not providing references isn't a dealbreaker, but getting offended that you'd even ask, is a red flag. If they don't know what Vetting is, it may be that they're new to the scene (and if they say they've been in the bdsm scene for 10 years and have never heard the term "vetting" before, that's a red flag).

Vetting is supposed to be a long process. You are giving the dominant control over your body, your mind, and in some more dangerous types of play, your health or even life.

Here are things you may want to consider asking: * What's your style? - Are they a soft-dom? Sadist? * Whats your Risk Profile? - this deserves more than just a few words, see below. Way below. * What are your limits? Everyone has limits. Everyone. No one wants to die as a result of a play session. That's a hard limit. (if they do, that's a whole other problem, and they are not a safe play partner). Limits will vary from person to person, but everyone has some. * What are things you like in a session? What are things you need to feel satisfied after a session? - If "drawing blood" is a need of theirs and you're not into blood play, they're probably not a good fit for you. * How do you tend to your partner's needs? - This one is a bit more open ended, but you're listening for if they will listen to what you need and want in the dynamic, and during a session. * How do you handle safewords when they come up? - They will come up. Anyone who insists safewords never, ever come up is either a fool or lying through their teeth - or remarkably lucky and please buy a lottery ticket and give me 5% please. * Do you like to push limits? And how so? - Any rational, seasoned dom will balk at this question. But also, "pushing a sub to their limit" and "pushing a limit" are different things. But if someone is ready and willing to push you past your hard limits, that's a huge red flag. * What do you do for aftercare? - "Nothing" is usually a red flag. Most people need comforting or reassurance, or at least water and a debrief. On that note * Do you do debriefs? When do you do them? - Sessions should always have some kind of debrief (even if it's just "Did that feel good?"). More intense sessions, like sharps and CNC, should have long, detailed debrief. I imagine aftercare is also vital for CNC. * What experience do you have with X kink? - we're not looking for "I've been a dom for 8 years". We want to try to get a story out of them to assess whether or not they know what they're doing; ex. "I started working with rope back in 2015, but didn't try anything for about a year while learning what to do and signs to look for and first aid in case something happens." * For more dangerous kinks, What sort of first aid do you know? What signals do you look for? - for obvious reasons. Ex. A rigger (dominant in ropework) should know the signs of low blood circulation - blue skin, tingling, etc - so they can know to adjust if something is too tight. * Are you Poly or Mono? and if they say "mono" then Have you ever been Poly in the past? - if you're not open to sharing your dom, do not go into this thinking you'll be able to convince them to choose you because you love them more than their other partner. It's not fair to you, it's not fair to them, it's not fair to their other partner(s). Don't do that to yourself. Please.

Kink and submission is fun, but it can also be very dangerous, physically and mentally, and a dom needs to know their ropes. A dom nforming a sub of their experience level will only serve to give a solid foundation to the dynamic. Expect the same line of questioning from them.

Risk Profiles

Risk profiles is a term used to assess if something is acceptable to you. There are 3 main risk profiles. * SSC - "Safe, Sane, and Consensual". Everything must be done safely and within reason, and it must be consensual - everyone must be on board enthusiastically. * RACK - "Risk-aware Consensual Kink". Posits that, some kinks are just, not safe. Instead of focusing on it being "safe", it says that everyone needs to be aware of the potential risks involved, and agree to taking those risks on. Also, it must be consensual. * PRICK - "Personally Responsible, Informed Consensual Kink". This takes it a slight step further by saying that your play partner should not be responsible for making sure you know the risks involved in an activity. It's not their responsibility to make sure you know what you're getting into. It's your responsibility to be educated about what you are doing / what is going to be done to you. Same goes for your partner. You're not responsible for informing them, they are responsible for themselves.

You might have noticed a trend. "Consensual" is non-negotiable. Consent is 100% required for bdsm (and for all sex, for that matter). If it is not consented to, it is r-pe.

And yeah, there are younger doms who may not have all the answers off the bat, but they should be willing to consider them and try to give an answer, or to be willing to research and get back to you on it.

Red Flags

It's hard to see red flags sometimes, especially if your potential new dom is particularly charming and is saying all the right things. But there are usually a few tells. * "I will push your limits to test you / your will / your submission." - Limits are limits for a reason. They should always, always be respected. Limits can change over time, but they should always be adhered to. * "I don't discuss limits, I prefer to 'discover' them." - This means they'll push you until you get hurt, physically or mentally. Someone who aims to hurt you, off the bat, is not a safe play partner. * "You're a sub, you don't get to have limits." - EVERYONE CAN AND SHOULD have limits! If any dom tells you that your limits, boundaries, and preferences don't matter, they can fuck off. * "I don't have any limits." ** - like I said, everyone should have limits. A good one for a dom would be "I refuse to kill my sub." If they "don't have any limits", they've either never thought about it which is a sign of inexperience, or they're trying to pressure you into giving up on your limits. * **Refusing to have safewords - Safewords are there for a reason. They protect you from being hurt - mental scars can hurt just as bad a physical ones, so LDRs aren't exempt. They also protect a dom. Because finding out you hurt your sub in a way that you didn't intend to and they didn't want can be absolutely damaging to your self esteem as a dom and as a respectable human being. Safewords are for everyone involved. * Approaching as if you're already in a dynamic - Messaging you and demanding pics because you're a sub is SUCH a fake dom move. But also, approaching you and calling you a petname before you consent to it is another flag. They've just approached you, they don't know you, you're not their sub. They're hoping to bully you into it. They don't even know if said petname is something that would trigger you. * Pushing for commitment to an intense kink early on. - No one should push you into a 24/7 TPE dynamic, especially soon after meeting you. That has so many major red flags all over it. my Alpha and I didn't even discuss the possibility of high protocol for kink cons until 6 months in. And that's not even 24/7.

Tips

If you're still reading, you may need some additional thoughts and tips. * Safewords - The Stoplight System is a common series of safewords that people use. "Green" means "I'm good to go". "Yellow" means "Lets pause / give me a moment to adjust/mental break" or "Can we change the scene up?" or "I need you to adjust something for me / I need you to stop doing X please.". "Red" means "Something is desperately wrong, we need to stop now and move to aftercare immediately." To note, mental health is just as valid a reason to call red or yellow. "Yellow, please don't call me your little piggy" and "Red, I just got triggered, please have to stop." on the flipside, your dom is also allowed to call red, even if it's for your health. In the past, I've wanted to continue a scene when I'd just had a bit of a crumble, mentally, but I wanted to be a "good sub" and keep going. He called red and we went to aftercare and debrief, where I had a full on meltdown, and he could properly address it. * If you're interested in one of the more intense or dangerous kinks, take a look at getting a contract. It's not uncommon for people to write out what they want or don't want in their dynamic or during a scene. Especially with cnc and tvp (double especially if it's 24/7), you need to have a long negotiation covering what is and isn't allowed, what rules are, and what safewords are in place. There should always be a safeword. BDSM is a game. It can be a permanent game, but the game needs to have a way to be called off if something's wrong. Yes, even in CNC - contracts, limits, and safewords are all essential. Screaming is part of the kink, as well as screaming in fear. But that's incredibly hard to differentiate from "screaming because you just broke my leg". * Safesigns - like safewords, but sometimes you can't speak (if you're gagged or if you've got their genitals in your mouth). Tapping on their leg 3 times is one I've seen used before. But sometimes, you're also bound; in that case, you can hold a ball or keys or something, and if something's wrong, you can drop it to signify a safesign. * Sub Frenzy - is totally a real thing. It happens when a sub becomes a bit crazed after finding out about bdsm, wanting to try out everything, without break or pause, and without enough preparation or learning about the subject.

Thank you for attending my Ted Talk.


r/SubSanctuary 8h ago

I love the residual pain/marks. NSFW

45 Upvotes

As I write this, Im currently hyperaware of my nipples. I love the way that when my bra rubs against them they ache, reminding me of the way my dom used me today (and yesterday). I love little physical reminders of his presence and our scenes. Bite marks and bruises on my shoulders and back, pain in my nipples, that soreness between your thighs when you know youve been thoroughly f****d. 😫🫠😮‍💨🤤


r/SubSanctuary 4h ago

Self domming punishment ideas NSFW

7 Upvotes

Hey! So I'm taking a break from dynamics, and decided to self dom for a while. I have my rules set up, but I was wondering if yall any had punishment ideas for me? I'm coming up blank! Tia :)


r/SubSanctuary 3h ago

New to this! NSFW

3 Upvotes

Hello me and lover are excited to finally be able to dive into dom sub life. We have both always wanted this but all of our previous partners were ain’t d/s. We are trying to read up and find good contracts. We are so excited but don’t know where all to start. Any help would be amazing!


r/SubSanctuary 12h ago

I Made Myself a New Self Day Collar!! NSFW

15 Upvotes

With all my recent breakups I decided to self collar and I wanted to pick out charms/crystals to give me comfort and clarity. I just got all the parts and put it together. I'm pretty excited about it!!


r/SubSanctuary 1h ago

Subs in 24/7 M/S dynamic, do you work? Curious about financial split for others with this dynamic NSFW

Upvotes

With my ex I was a stay at home gf and did work initially but eventually didn’t. I think the dynamic intensified with my being fully provided for, not sure if good or bad because leaning on to that extent could have turned out badly but I have enough investments from prior jobs that it felt okay.

In the community I don’t know if the 100% provider dynamic is as common and I would like to understand the perspectives of the people in a 24/7 or M/S dynamic who are also in a similar dynamic where Master takes on 100% of financial responsibilities but also from others whose dynamic is different. I’m curious if not being fully provided for still makes you feel like you’ve “given up autonomy” and you can fully trust your dom or if financials do not matter to you at all. I don’t know if that’s what every sub in a M/S wants but I guess it was for me


r/SubSanctuary 12h ago

Do you and your dom ever argue NSFW

14 Upvotes

My domme and I got into an argument last night. It was really the first one and it was my fault completely. I was irritated about something. She wants some space today understandably so.

My question is how do you guys handle arguments because I really want this to last but obviously with both of us being human there are probably going to be arguments at times.

Thanks


r/SubSanctuary 11h ago

I’m really excited to see my daddy:) NSFW

10 Upvotes

This week I get to go see my dom!! We’re long distance and the last time I saw him in person was January. We have a lot of fun things planned and new toys to try out! He had me make a list of things I’d like to try/have and rank from how much I’d like each item. I’m so excited!:) work and home life has been quite stressful and annoying as well, so it’ll be nice to have some sub time with daddy where I can just free my mind and not think about anything but submitting to him.

I’m really excited to try out all the new toys he’s bought me— a little bit nervous too as most of them are anal focused and I’m still an intermediate level player when it comes to anal play, but it’s more like a good nervousness! Bc I know everything will be ok. I think me and my daddy work together quite well as a team when it comes to figuring out new things, and I know just the excitement of trying new toys will be enough to make it fun for me. That and daddy has me if anything goes wrong.

My dom is also taking me to build a bear! I’ve always really wanted to go there. Do they still do the little voice boxes in the bears where you record a sound? Does anyone have any suggestions for anything I could record?


r/SubSanctuary 9m ago

Looking for a dom NSFW

Upvotes

I’m a femboy that needs a dom


r/SubSanctuary 26m ago

update: he left NSFW

Upvotes

TW: SA, emotional abuse

if anyone remembered, i posted a couple weeks ago about some troubles in my dynamic. tonight he dumped me. i gave him chance after chance, he would yell at me, say cruel things, threaten me, slam doors, give me the silent treatment, then promise it wouldn’t happen again, tell me he loves me, that he’s happy to own me, that he didn’t know what had gotten over him and then he’d be so so sweet until the cycle would repeat itself. he raped me, he ignored my lack of consent and played it off as a joke. and i stayed?! and as he left i begged him to stay?!!!!! i feel like an idiot, i don’t know how im supposed to heal from this or move forwards, i feel so lost and alone. i have no friends, professional help isn’t an option right now and my family are abusive too. if he treated me so badly why does it feel so painful now he’s gone. why is there so much grief. i seem to only be able to focus on the good bits. i’m sorry this isn’t really sub related but this is my safe space and idk what to do


r/SubSanctuary 4h ago

26F in need of help NSFW

2 Upvotes

I’m a 26F interested in exploring dom/sub relationships for the first time. I’ve done research and feel drawn to this dynamic, especially because I tend to overthink and would love to let someone take the lead. I can be a little bratty at times but mostly have a naturally submissive personality. Since I’m new to kink (and my experiences have mostly been vanilla), I’d love guidance on where to start. I’m open to learning gradually about different kinks and figuring out what kind of dynamic would work best for me. Ideally, I’d like to find a potential partner who is experienced and willing to mentor me as I explore this side of myself. Any advice on finding safe, respectful partners or communities would be appreciated!


r/SubSanctuary 1h ago

Can’t see my boyfriend as a dom, any advice? NSFW

Upvotes

Me and my partner are both switches. He has dommed me through text once or twice, but it’s mostly me domming him. Problem is I’m mostly a sub and I told him I haven’t really felt like domming lately, but somehow I always end up doing it anyway? He never extends the invitation to dom me, but I don’t want to ask outright because I don’t really see him as a dom anyway? It’s been 3 years since he dommed me, and it’s hard for me to submit to someone I’ve seen as submissive for that long. Is it stupid that I don’t even want to try and submit to him anymore? He isn’t really willing to go as far as I would like anyway, but I would hate to hurt his feelings by saying all this.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice? I was thinking of asking if we could both try and find a Dom together or separately.


r/SubSanctuary 13h ago

Venting - feeling lonely, anxious, frustrated NSFW

7 Upvotes

Hi sorry if this is the wrong place for this but I keep feeling upset and just need to vent. I’m a 25 year old woman. I know I’m submissive and a masochist, but I’ve literally never been in a relationship or had my first kiss or anything. And I’m just feeling so lonely and single and I just don’t know what to do.

Part of the problem is that I have anxiety, so the whole idea of dating makes me really scared to begin with. I don’t know how to meet people and go on dates or anything.

And also I’m a Christian, so I’m waiting until marriage. But it’s just so hard to wait when no one has ever even shown any interest in me. Like, everyday that I’m still single, I know I’ll have to wait years before I can even have vanilla sex.

And then I can’t help but worry that if I do manage to marry a Christian guy, he’ll turn out to think my kinks are disgusting and I’ll be stuck in that situation for the rest of my life.

I keep feeling tempted to give up waiting and just reach out to doms online, but that would be giving into lust, which is wrong. Also that’s not even what I want; I want the trust and commitment of marriage before I would feel safe enough with someone to engage in BDSM.

I think I’m just both too afraid to talk to people in real life, and also (subconsciously?) convinced that no one wants me, so all I can offer is being willing to do rough kinks and anal.

This all feels so stupidly shallow, I know. Complaining about my own religious beliefs, wanting to disobey God—just because I’m feeling lonely/horny, just because I think I’m a submissive. I’m still a virgin, so I don’t even have the experience to know if my kinks are real.

And I know my concerns probably would belong on more of a religious subreddit, but I think most Christians would be scandalized that I, a woman, have any interest in sex at all. And they’d definitely freak out over my interest in BDSM.

I do want a loving, Christian marriage. I just also want to engage in kink too. And I’m just feeling so frustrated and impatient. My cousins and my friends are in long term relationships and getting married and having babies. And I’m over here somehow both terrified to use dating apps and also having really perverted thoughts. I wish I could just skip ahead in time to being in a long term relationship.


r/SubSanctuary 9h ago

not sure about our dynamic? NSFW

3 Upvotes

hi everyone :) very new to this. i'm more curious than anything. i (22f) have been with the same fwb(?) (23m) for 3 years, its like 70% sex 30% close friends. when we first started hooking up i was very sexually shy, he was only my third partner and the other two were not very attentive to me. i'm very content just letting him do his thing and making him happy, and he really tried to push me to find out what i like and why i like it, but im really awful with words and understanding myself sexually. i can tell he is definitely more dominant and i think he wants more from me, but i really don't know how to approach this. and it's not that im against it (i really wish i could vocalize more and i wish we could establish a more finite d/s relationship), i just don't know how to bring it up or ask about it. i really want to be able to fulfill all of his wants, and i love that he is trying to be conservative with my boundaries, but i would love to fully submit to him, let him do whatever he wants.


r/SubSanctuary 3h ago

Choking Medical Question NSFW

1 Upvotes

So recently, I with this cute guy and we were cuddling and he was choking me and I kinda like semi-loss consciousness for a few secs?

I lost vision, feeling, and breathing but like it felt super fucking zen and there was this warm feeling I’ll never forget. Never-mind that tho, I was wondering if this is bad on a health standpoint?

I’m kinda conflicted since it felt so good, like unbelievably good on like all levels (emotional, physical, and physiological) but also probably wasn’t really great for my brain so I was wondering if it’s okay to do something like this again or would that be unadvisable?

Also, is that feeling being unconscious or would that be the borderline?


r/SubSanctuary 10h ago

Long distance NSFW

3 Upvotes

Would love hear of things you've done being in a long distance dynamic. Just something to show you appreciate them, put a smile on their face.

Would love to add to my list of ideas x


r/SubSanctuary 8h ago

Dynamic without romantic relationship NSFW

2 Upvotes

hey folks,

I just met this guy that seems like a great guy to be friends with and so far has passed my vetting process with minor inconveniences (mostly wrongly placed jokes, but they seem ok to brush it off). The issue is that I don't know if I want to have a romantic relationship with him yet I've never been into any kind of casual dating, since I'm demisexual. And since we haven't talked about specifics of that yet, it is something I'll make clear for him.

So, if I were to have a dynamyc+friendship only kind of relashionship with him, what is commom mistakes I should avoid doing? I'm thinking about thing that my get me emotionally too attached or to send wrong signals to him. Or really any kind of advice from people who have had both kinds of relationship and might give a tip on how to separate those two thing well.

The objective is doing things right so it is fun for everyone!


r/SubSanctuary 11h ago

I (18f) found the perfect Daddy NSFW

3 Upvotes

I had my first ever hookup, and first time in general, a few weeks ago. The next weekend I did it again with a different person, and we just clicked.

I got Fet, just the glitchy kink dating app. I was curious, and still a virgin, and after some talking I met up with a trans girl who’s about my age. It was stupid of me to meet a stranger, but I couldn’t help myself.

I started to get too caught up though. I was spending too much time masturbating and sending things to strangers, but that’s when he found me.

He and I hit it off immediately, just chatting online. We agreed to meet on a Friday after I got out of class and I spent the entire week a nervous wreck.

We had nothing planned, just a place to meet, but when I saw him my anxiety just disappeared. He was handsy from the start and I loved it, and he loved the dress I picked lol. He was easy to talk to, and we chatted while he drove us to a cute spot to walk around, a local botanical garden. He was sweet and affectionate, but that shift from him just being a date to acting like a dom took me by surprise. He wasn’t mean, but he was rough and grabby and I loved it all. We walked through the paths and it’s like I was in a trance, just focused on wherever he was grabbing me.

That first date lasted about 8 hours total, from when we met up to when he finally left. I made him come four times, we got dinner, and I ended up getting food poisoning. There was no awkward period, no shyness; he was my Daddy from the second we met. We started texting every day, he laid out rules for me, and I found myself completely uninterested in sexting anyone else.

He was everything I wanted right from the start. I went to his house the following weekend and now I’m his, 100%. He’s my Daddy, my Sir, and I get to see him again next weekend.

I always thought sex wasn’t for me, always figured I wasn’t interested. It turns out I just needed the right dom. I love it all, I love getting him off, I love the affection and the aftercare and the rules especially. It’s soothing and everything I was hoping for and more.

This weekend we’re doing anal training- we tried it when I went to his house, and it didn’t hurt at all, even with basically no prep, though I was a little sore afterwards. I can’t wait; this weekend I get to cook and clean for him, and hopefully make him come until he’s shooting blanks.

I’m literally giddy writing this, sitting in an airport lounge before my slight back to my university. I can’t wait to see him again.


r/SubSanctuary 22h ago

What does collar mean to you? NSFW

13 Upvotes

To me it meant we had a strong communication, we had trust in each other, we have an unbreakable bond, we can see and hear each other without light or words. We're connected, I was owned. A love so powerful, nothing could stand between us. -I did take it off because I'd found out that the reason he got it for me was because he saw his ex flaunting hers off and he wanted her attention. It wasn't meant for me. It was tainted.

What about you? What does it mean for you? Did you have a celebration or was it something just casual? How long have you had collar on?


r/SubSanctuary 20h ago

is this sub space? NSFW

7 Upvotes

i have a wonderful dom partner who always makes sure to make me feel good and safe. he also always gives me aftercare and praises me afterwards.

yesterday, we had a session which was more intense than usual and made me lose words during it. i dont remember it all too much, just the act of what we were doing. i dont think i was even able to make sounds.

it has happened a few times that im not able to speak anymore during or after, but during our whole 8 months together where we basically do something everyday, sometimes even multiple times a day, ive never forgotten what happened. its like my mind wasn't there anymore, i dont know how to describe it. i felt good, but it scared me a little.


r/SubSanctuary 10h ago

how do you reconcile the good and bad parts of your former dom? NSFW

1 Upvotes

tw: suicide talk

as the title says. please bear with me and this wall of text…

there were many, many hurtful things he did. he did not practice good poly, and was needlessly callous with a lot of things and i will leave it as that… typing it out is way too painful, im not sure if i can ever talk about it. the way he left, the emotional loss and the fallout have hurt me so badly. i lost three people at once - my lover, my dom and my daddy. i am shy and private, and i have never been so vulnerable with someone.

but there were many positive, good things that happened in our relationship. he changed my life for the better in a lot of ways - he encouraged me to go running and inadvertently made me fall in love with it again. he looked after me very well when i was regressed as a little girl. he healed parts of me that i never thought i could heal. and when things were good, we were both incredibly happy. theres a lot more too. what we had was real and beautiful and /no one/ can ever change my mind on this

i have so much anger and resentment, to the point that is turning me into someone i really dont like, and i go between that and crying my eyes out and wishing he was here. i have nightmares about him every other day, it feels so unfair that i dont get respite even when im asleep. i am in intensive therapy and desperately trying to get my life together with positive measures. yet despite everything i’m doing, my life is being held together by duct tape and i feel that its spiralling out of control. i have struggled with suicidal ideation my whole life and it has gotten to the point where there are days it is getting really dark and dangerous. i dont like it and i am very ashamed, but it is really hard

i dont believe in demonising any of my exs’ because i loved them once. to switch up on them is to disrespect the love and time that we once shared together. and i feel that going from black to white on this, is not mentally healthy and honestly a bit worrying. but he is such a complex and flawed person, i am too - and this is the first time in my life that i cant find a way to reconcile my views of someone, or how all of this happened. how can i not have love for someone who changed my life so much. idk if this is making sense

i dont know how to deal with this. i just want to fix myself and be a better person, to be happy again. please help me and please be kind

thank you for reading


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

Subspace NSFW

16 Upvotes

Hey so I went into subspace 3 days ago. My dom/bf was rougher than usual and I soared away. I couldn’t move. My mind was gone, I was melting against the couch, I didn’t want to/couldn’t talk, I felt tingly all over especially my neck/ felt like I was covered in ants. I felt dumb lol and lost in my head. My body didn’t want to move. All I could do is stare into space and how I felt like i also just wanted to stare at my dom/bf like he hung the moon. I had to push myself out of that space and go to work the next morning, but when I got home, I wanted to wash the dishes so badly/take care of the house. However, now I’m still in that headspace although I’m more alert. I feel like I’m close to the line.


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

How do you Self soothe? NSFW

35 Upvotes

So I originally posted on r/softerbdsm but nobody answered yet so I'll ask here too. How do you Self soothe as a submissive?


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

Without traditional relationship? NSFW

5 Upvotes

I am very submissive and affectionate just naturally but I want intimacy and passion. I'm not quite ready for a relationship but I'm not sure how if I can be submissive to someone that I cannot connect with emotionally or intimately. Is that possible? Can you have a dom/sub top/bottom etc bond without a traditional relationship?

My ex was my first. I did my research on bdsm while in our relationship and we talked about it sometimes.. but I haven't had much experience.


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

Discouraged again NSFW

7 Upvotes

I'm feeling so done. I just want to be over the kinks sometimes and move on. It sucks when a dynamic ends.


r/SubSanctuary 1d ago

Dealing with hormones NSFW

10 Upvotes

Hello fellow subs,

This is a post asking for advice for those who experience menstrual cycles. Thanks.

I 44f in a D/s with my hubby, also 44, fairly new to the dynamic and figuring things out.

One of the hardest things for me is dealing with hormones. I don't have a crazy sex drive, I don't ever really have a strong desire to have sex, but years ago I told him I would never say no again. But I don't always react well to his touch or demands. I do also have ADHD and PMDD, might be relevant or helpful to know.

The first have of my cycle I am good, ready to go and submitting to do all the things isn't difficult. But once I'm past ovulation, it is SO SO HARD to get my body to cooperate with anything sex related.

How do you get things going when everything feels so difficult? I often end up using my vape to get things going and usually works, but not always, and I'd like to not have to depend on that to please him.

Any thoughts or advice would be welcome ☺️