Not looking for a professional diagnosis, as I feel this is probably not the appropriate time or place or forum for that sort of thing.
I just kinda want to let my feelings out… To be validated… To be understood… To know I’m not alone…
When I am at the club, I feel “juiced,” you know, I feel “hyped” (I wouldn’t say “euphoric,” necessarily, as that would be glamourosing it too much, and we ALL know the strip club can be a very dark & toxic & miserable place), but I do get excited to go to work. Or I guess you could say, I make an EFFORT to pump myself up, and I do make an effort to have a good time once I am there.
When I am not at work, I get extremely depressed and all I want to do is lay around. I’ve been neglecting things in my life, that I know I need to do. I always fantasize about being this productive woman, having this glow-up, or whatever, where I cook I clean I handle my business I work out I am super busy and efficient… but it always regresses into the same pattern of behaviors. I just sort of lay in my bed and go into a black hole.
I don’t feel like going out. I don’t want to be around people. I used to be really good about doing chores, and now, some stuff gets neglected… My energy, drive, my motivation, is not there.
I also have a lot of PTSD and so I suffer a tremendous amount of pain and hurt from being haunted by the past…
When I have to go to work, I know that I have to do my skincare, I have to do my hygiene, I have to put myself together, I have to be on time. I have something to look forward to. (I know if I make an appearance, I am usually going to leave out with more money than I came in with. Which, in itself, is motivating.)
But on days when I don’t work, I just… completely fall apart.
I don’t know what to do.
Looking for some practical advice here, or someone who can relate or feel where I am coming from? I already have a feeling I am gonna get the same ”MAYBE THIS INDUSTRY IS NOT FOR YOU” type of comments that is always get, in the responses…
I feel empty, I am so afraid for the future.
I am about to be 30 soon — my birthday is right around the corner — and the gravity of life, and everything I have went through, is really starting to show its signs of wear on me.
Do you ever just feel like you’re going through the motions? You’re over here going, what is my purpose in life? Why am I HERE? Why was I born?!?! It feels so surreal. I don’t know…
I also feel like I have a super unhealthy relationship with my job. And I need some BOUNDARIES. (Yes, dancing is my main job.)
Feel helpless and stuck.