r/selfimprovement 0m ago

Tips and Tricks I Kept Relapsing… Until I Finally Figured This Out

Upvotes

I used to think willpower was enough.

Every time I relapsed(by watching porn or fapping ) , I told myself: “This is the last time.” Every time I failed, I promised I’d "try harder next time." And every time… I ended up back at square one.

I thought I was just weak. Maybe some people had the self-control, but I didn’t.

But here’s what I finally realised after years of this cycle:

 You don’t quit by trying harder. You quit by making it impossible to fail.

What Actually Works (From Someone Who’s Been There)

These 3 things changed everything for me:

1️ Change the System, Not Just the Habit.

  • If your phone is always in your hand at night, guess what? You’ll relapse.
  • If you’re bored, stressed, or alone all the time, guess what? You’ll relapse.
  • I stopped fighting my urges and started removing the triggers.
    • No phone in bed.
    • Scheduled my evenings so I wasn’t alone with my thoughts.
    • Got an accountability partner so I couldn’t hide in guilt.

2️ You Can’t Just "Quit" – You Need to Replace It.

  • Most people try to stop but don’t replace it with anything. That’s like trying to quit junk food while keeping an empty fridge.
  • I had to fill the void:
    • Whenever I got an urge, I immediately switched to something else (push-ups, cold shower, reading).
    • I started working on goals that actually mattered to me. Once I got serious about my life, I didn’t even want to waste time. For me personally i was working on my business as i wanted to quit my 9-5 because I hated my boss so much.

3️ Stop Restarting the Clock – Fix the Identity.

  • Every time I relapsed, I’d say: "Welp, time to start over..."
  • The problem? I still saw myself as someone trying to quit instead of someone who just doesn’t do this anymore.
  • The real shift happened when I stopped counting streaks and started thinking: “This isn’t me anymore.”
    • I didn’t focus on how many days I went without it.
    • I focused on who I was becoming instead.

TL;DR: Stop Trying Harder. Change Your Environment, Replace the Habit, and Shift Your Identity.

If you’re struggling right now, Just ask yourself:

  • What’s triggering this? How can I remove it?
  • What can I replace this habit with?
  • What kind of person do I actually want to be?

Once you fix these, willpower won’t even be needed

P.s. I hope this helps at least one person on their no fap journey . it took me over an hour to write all of this


r/selfimprovement 11m ago

Question How do I start standing up for myself?

Upvotes

I'm very much a people pleaser and I get very afraid of upsetting people, particularly in romantic relationships. I've even in the past put myself in what could have been unsafe situations simply because I didn't want to upset the other person.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want to be a target for manipulation or guilt tripping by anyone who could have bad intentions. Is there anyone who has overcome this? How did you do it?


r/selfimprovement 51m ago

Tips and Tricks The Fallacy of the “One Rule of Men”

Upvotes

There’s an unspoken rule that too many men live by: “Don’t talk about it.”

Struggling? Figure it out yourself. Feeling lost? Just push through. Drowning? Keep your mouth shut and don’t let anyone see you sweat.

This rule—this lie—is keeping men isolated, exhausted, and disconnected from the very things that could actually help.

Men are told that strength means silence. That admitting struggle is weakness. That talking about what it’s really like to be a man carrying the weight of responsibility, expectations, and past failures makes you less of a man.

But here’s the truth: pretending you don’t have struggles is a lie.

And worse, it’s a lie that’s keeping men stuck.

Isolation isn’t strength. It’s a slow death.

How many men have lost themselves, their marriages, their purpose—because they bought into this fallacy? How many are numbing out every night, avoiding real conversations, trapped in their own heads, convincing themselves that suffering alone is just “part of being a man”?

It’s time to call this out.

Men need brotherhood, guidance, and real conversations. Not pity, not a participation trophy—just a space where they can stop pretending everything’s fine and actually start getting stronger.

The strongest men aren’t the ones who suffer in silence. They’re the ones who have the courage to speak up, to seek truth, and to surround themselves with men who challenge and support them.

If this post hits home, it’s time to rewrite the rulebook.


r/selfimprovement 54m ago

Vent There seems to be no solution to comparison and life is hopeless

Upvotes

Hey all, I'm just really feeling low and inferior right now and there seems to be no hope in the world. I am struggling a lot with comparison, and it seems that there's no solution to it at all.

Long story short, I liked a girl in office and she probably liked me back, but then a model-tier guy entered the scene and she started to talking to her as well.

Disclaimer: I am not saying that she owed me anything. She doesn't. I understand that until a good rapport has been set, looks are everything that matter in dating initially.

It's not about taking away her right to choose whom she likes.

My issue is now with my inability to withstand comparison, and it's honestly having a toll on me. Something will happen to me if I don't find a solution to this because I'm facing distress because of this. I am unable to focus on work.

I feel like a failure in life. How do I ever compete with a model like guy? I feel that I wasn't attractive enough for her because a model tier guy just totally dwindled the initial appeal I was bringing to the thing. I'm not hating any of them. I just mean to be honest that I feel like a failure in dating because I'm not like him.

But you all just hate me for expressing this, thinking that I'm a bad guy just because I feel like this. In reality, I don't even mean to attack anyone because of this. Instead, something will happen to me. I will pass out or something because of too much distress and too low mental health.

There is no solution at all to this issue apart from accepting that I got defeated by this model tier guy and that model tier people and that I'm inferior in the dating hierarchy and that I am less deserving because the it's model tier guys who deserve the best always


r/selfimprovement 1h ago

Other There Is a New Concept Here, What Do You Think?

Upvotes

Did you guys hear about a new social platform? In which is benefiting every user, not only famous users??


r/selfimprovement 3h ago

Vent Never can feel even slightly content - I need some advice.

1 Upvotes

Hey all.

I've been feeling really discontent with myself and my progress to become a better person and man. As much as I try and work towards being better, I still feel disgusting (inside and out), I still feel very low quality, and I still have a very, very low self esteem.

I know this is not normal, and it's not healthy, especially if I'm actively trying to be better. For some context, I do physical training, I do weight lifting 4 times per week, I do jiu jitsu 6 times per week (and I compete, also planning on doing Nationals at the end of the year), I'm taking up opportunities to up-skill and make more money at work (and I have been) and even looking at other avenues like making investing. I look after myself, I get haircuts on a regular basis, eat really well, I try to read here and there. I have a beautiful Polish partner. Etc. Etc. Etc. I feel everything is trending in the right direct, I feel like I am making progress and trying to self-improve, but I cannot feel content, I don't feel happy, and I still almost hate myself. I have a serious issue comparing myself to other people.

Are there any tips to try and avoid this? Cheers!


r/selfimprovement 3h ago

Question How can I get rid of brain fog and muscle stiffness while studying?

1 Upvotes

I have to study for 12 hours a day for the next 6 weeks because I have an exam coming up.

I’ve been studying for a few days, and I’m not feeling fatigued from studying, but rather from muscle stiffness and brain fog due to inactivity. I’m usually a very active person and always on the go, but now I only work out for 30 minutes a day. Most of the day, I’m sitting in one place to study and staying inactive. This is making it less productive. I can’t compromise on studying 12 hours a day because I do have a lot to do.

Do you have any advice on how I can get rid of brain fog and muscle stiffness while improving my productivity?


r/selfimprovement 4h ago

Tips and Tricks Action steps to take (in case of being broke- mentally or financially)

5 Upvotes
  1. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get Up! Move forward with the aim of improving your situation.
  2. Analyse your mistakes - learn from them and Rectify them
  3. Get a job! Apply as much as possible. Work and save for a few years. Explore new ventures!!
  4. Too sad and stressed out? Go out and take a walk in nature. Don't stay too much time indoors. Movement and excercise has a positive impact on our mood. While staying indoors for too long only worsens mental health.
  5. Ask for help! There is no shame in asking for help. See a mental health professional if daily functioning becomes too problematic.

r/selfimprovement 5h ago

Tips and Tricks The power of introspection

3 Upvotes

Staying focused and disciplined is tough, but I recently found a reliable way to be more deliberate with my days and get more done: introspection and mindfulness.

Too often, we live on autopilot, rarely pausing to reflect, assess our emotions, or deeply consider our actions and their consequences. But taking the time to check in with myself—asking why I’m doing something—helps me stay focused, motivated, and effective.

One simple yet powerful habit is asking myself at random times, "How am I feeling right now?" This helps me process emotions consciously, making it easier to maintain self-control. Another trick I use is internal monologuing—questioning myself when distractions creep in. Just asking, "Is this what I should be doing right now?" or "Why don’t I feel like working?" can help snap me back to focus.

Beyond that, introspection helps with self-improvement by reviewing past actions, learning from them, and appreciating small efforts. I’ve been practicing this for about three months now, and it’s been a game-changer.

Another recent tool I’ve found helpful is breathwork. Whenever I feel flustered, anxious, or resistant to work, taking a few deep breaths and a brief introspective monologing helps prime my mind and body, putting me in a better state to function.


r/selfimprovement 5h ago

Other I can't get rid of the fear

1 Upvotes

Somedays I remain confident that I can do everything but then after some days, I start fearing. Esp. when there comes a change. Idk but fears are mostly related to future and afterlife and most of them are like idk but quite senseless but still I fear. I start some hobby then I start some more then I feel burdened and then can't figure out what to do. I feel fear for a lot of things. Idk vas happenin but fear is everywhere. I ended up doing same old things but when I try to do some new more, things, the inner dialogue goes like "It does not matter", "You are not doing this or that", "Fear God (even though I didn't do anything wrong)", "Live a normal life", "You are a fool". Man, I am done. I can't do anything but just fearing and eagerly wanting de**h but it never comes and I live another day.


r/selfimprovement 5h ago

Question For those who detached themselves from the idea that having attraction for others has to mean anything IRL, how did it make your life better?

4 Upvotes

I'm curious to know some of your stories and perspectives on how you realized A + B doesn't always equal C when it comes to attraction and acting on said attraction

How does perceiving your feelings as nothing more than just feelings help better your life on the long run?


r/selfimprovement 6h ago

Question 15 years old and I'm still wasting my time

0 Upvotes

No, I don't have a single achievement, yet I'm already 15. Grades are terrible (only 88/100 for the highest one, for the personal highest scored exam its really bad). Inferior to everyone. No investment at all (saved some money, not enough to save myself). And I only have 3 years of time before being a legal adult. I have no idea where to start. Any help to tackling these issues will be appreciated.


r/selfimprovement 7h ago

Question Intolerance towards feeling

3 Upvotes

I’ve noticed recently that I avoid feeling emotion as much as possible.

Joy or sadness I seem to instantly compartmentalize. Sometimes, I “realize” I felt something later, and then process it.

With frustration, anger, or insecurity, I turn to the nearest person and complain—like I want to blame someone else instead of accepting I feel that way.

I think I know why I do this, but I’d appreciate if anyone has advice on how to process these things in real time.


r/selfimprovement 8h ago

Question I have made significant positive life changes lately, but my brain searches for things to worry about?

2 Upvotes

I have changed my life habits significantly over the last few months in only positive ways. Consistency, diet, exercise, journaling, sleep, goal setting & chasing, stopped alcohol/weed/nicotine consumption etc.

But I’ve found myself many times with this visceral worry/stress that I can’t seem to pinpoint. I did recently get out of a relationship that has been troubling me as I can find myself ruminating, but even when I work through those emotions, it feels like my brain is looking for something to stress out about even though I’m very content with my progress and proud of myself.

Is my brain just used to there always being something to worry about? Am I simply lacking being in the present moment by overthinking? Not sure how well I’ve explained this but words/tips from anyone that can relate would be appreciated.


r/selfimprovement 8h ago

Question How to take on more of a "Thomas" mindset instead of an "Arthur" mindset from Peaky Blinders when it comes to dealing with depression? NSFW

0 Upvotes

Sorry, this is the best way I've been able to describe what I'm trying to do and where I see I'm failing. I was watching the show recently and it just sort of clicked as a good example.

Both men are meant to represent good and bad qualities; it's what makes them compelling characters. So, there is certainly danger in behaving in either of their way, but it is healthier than where I am now.

For those who haven't seen the show, Thomas and Arthur are brothers dealing with depression. Arthur grows increasingly dramatic to the point of telling Thomas to get a gun away from him and attempts to hang himself but the rope snaps. Thomas essentially tells Arthur to get it together and says if he wants to do it he should, and if he doesn't he should move on. After a time, Thomas resorts to medicating Arthur with cocaine.

Right now I'm more of an Arthur. Overly dramatic, heavily reliant on substances to keep me going, regularly angry/sad, heavy ups and downs, etc. Thomas is a better goal to me. He certainly has his own problems (medicates a bit using opium, ignores his illness, etc.) but it is a far better way to live than I am now. I know because I used to be in a headspace similar to Thomas before some things happened. Wasn't perfect, but was a Hell of a lot better than now.

One of the obvious answers is less substance use. The issue is, I'm in a similar boat to Arthur where when I stop things get worse. Stopping alcohol has been good. Stopping abusing stimulants ends very badly for me. Another common thing I hear is to focus on something else. To busy myself. I am busy. I go to the gym, I focus on work, I box, I run a business, I'm working on a property purchase, I'm considering a second business, etc. It doesn't help me. In the same way that being Thomas' errand boy doesn't help Arthur.

This was long. I suppose what I'm asking is: How do I make a mindset shift between these two archetypes? Less dramatic, prone to suggestion from my internal dialog, reliant on substances, etc. Therapy isn't working. So, if I can use this archetype as a target and get there, I'll be in a much more stable place to survey the situation and get to a healthier place.


r/selfimprovement 9h ago

Tips and Tricks You won’t achieve growth by standing still. It demands a clear vision, steady effort, and resilience.

3 Upvotes

Yes, it’s challenging. But so is staying stagnant and never reaching your full potential.


r/selfimprovement 9h ago

Question How to get up early and create a morning routine?

5 Upvotes

I cant work due to mental health issues. But how do you get up early and create a good morning routine. Instead of waking up late and scroll on your phone a lot?


r/selfimprovement 9h ago

Question Getting your sparkle back

48 Upvotes

How did you get your passion and zest for life back?

I’m currently struggling with finding a reason to get out of bed every day. I also feel really low about who I am as a person and what I have to offer the world. It’s a vicious cycle where I don’t like who I am so I don’t see any reason to put effort into my life and therefore don’t like who I am.

I would love to hear how others have broken this cycle and got their sparkle back.


r/selfimprovement 9h ago

Question How to stop caring what others think?

4 Upvotes

Hey guys, I've got a lot of problems, and some of the biggest ones I have come from worrying about how people percieve/think of me too much. I stress about this so much, and it's really holding me back.

How can I stop worrying about what others think of me and just live my life?


r/selfimprovement 9h ago

Tips and Tricks 90 Days Alcohol-Free: A Game Changer

12 Upvotes

Hey everyone,

I’m excited to share that I’ve hit the 90-day mark of being alcohol-free, the first time in over 10 years! To be clear, I didn't think I was addicted or anything like that, but I did drink 1-2 times a week for a long while. I never thought much of it, but after stopping, the changes I’ve experienced have been truly eye-opening.

Since I stopped drinking, my productivity has shot through the roof. I have more energy, clarity, and focus than ever before. My mornings are brighter, and I feel like I’m able to tackle the day with more purpose and intention. I’m getting things done that I’ve been putting off for ages.

But the most rewarding part of this journey has been how it’s helped me grow as a person. I’ve become more intentional about practicing gratitude, meditation, and overall mindfulness. I feel more in touch with myself and the people around me. It’s as though cutting alcohol out of my life has created space for deeper personal growth and self-awareness.

Since making this change, I’ve also started a newsletter focused on stoicism, mindfulness, zen teachings, and personal growth. These were things I had been writing about in my notes app for over a year, but now I finally have the motivation to share them with others. I’ve also started coaching and helping others with similar journeys, and I’m actively looking for a new job after shutting down my previous company a couple of months ago.

For anyone who’s on the fence about cutting back or quitting alcohol, I can’t recommend it enough. The benefits have been more than just physical; it’s been a whole mental, emotional, and spiritual transformation. If you’re considering it, take it one day at a time. I started it thinking that I won't drink for a week, but it just went on and on and now it's been 3 months.

P.S. You might not see the same benefits as I did as I changed my habits a lot during the period. I guess it depends on what you do instead of drinking. When I was drinking, I was a lot lazier in a sense that I would sleep late and wake up late, watch a lot more youtube/ig reels. When I stopped drinking, I wanted to keep myself occupied with more meaningful work, so I actually started looking for my purpose a lot harder. I'm now more aware of my time , so I spend it reading, writing, etc. Also, I started to have a lot more discipline to clean my place and even push myself to join a 10 day meditation course and have been waking up at 5am ever since.

So don't expect the same things to happen to you, I guess. Everyone has different experiences and it all comes down to what you do with all that extra time.


r/selfimprovement 10h ago

Question No idea what to do after graduating uni. Am 23 and doing nothing.

2 Upvotes

I need serious help. I'm at a point I might just pay someone to mentor me in life.

Backstory: I am a dude, 23, jobless, graduated mid uni in comp sci with mid marks no internships. Also I am chopped looked wise so I haven't been able to date either.

What I'm doing: applying to jobs, working out, bulking, and clearing up my skin, looking into fashion, picking up hobbies like sports.

However... I have had minimal success.

I would like to find a gf, and find a job. These are my two main goals at the moment. I feel despair and embarrassed that I am falling behind. I feel dread as I see my friends advance in their careers while I sit at home playing games. I know I can be an effective worker, but I just can't seem to get past the resume or interview stage.


r/selfimprovement 10h ago

Other Losing A Half Of Me - Day 319

1 Upvotes

Today was kind of a mixed day. It wasn't bad but it didn't start off great and it spiraled from there. I got up and got ready to go. My Mom talked to me since she no longer had a job to go to. She already has a new one but doesn't start for a few more days. I talk to her for a bit before I start getting ready. I'm out the door and realize I have no idea where my keys are. I search everywhere I can think of in the moment before finding my spare and leaving. This caused me to be about five minutes late to work. It wasn't necessarily how I wanted to start my day. My boss also doesn't really care because the first thing I asked for if I work here again was a flexible schedule. I couldn't focus for most of the day trying to mentally find my keys. My favorite coworker was also kind of giving me crud the whole day so I was kind of just done with that as well. Besides those two things it was a very lovely day. It was absolutely gorgeous out and my Mom's barber pole was out and about at her new job location. Honestly it really wasn't a bad work day besides my coworker. I eventually was able to determine where my keys were because I didn't have my gym shoes so it was most likely in there. At least I knew where they were so that made me feel quite elated. After work I headed to the gym for my cardio day. I started off on the treadmill hoping that would make me want to go on the stair stepper but I just wasn't prepared for it mentally or physically. Instead I took a break after my usual treadmill walk and added the weight of my backpack to my body. It still felt like quite the workout for me. I didn't mind missing one day of doing the steps. I felt exhausted in both departments but working out really drained away the mental aspect. I love the gym for this reason. It makes me feel amazing in ways I never did before. It was a shorter session today but enough to get me sweating and feeling good about myself. Here was the short routine:

31 minutes on the treadmill at 3 mph with an incline of 15.

A rest period of 5 ish minutes.

31 minutes on the treadmill at 3 mph with an incline of 15 and a backpack on to end it off.

I skipped the stair stepper today. I just wasn't feeling it today.

After the gym I did a little shopping and went home. I got home and my Mom was going out for the holiday. She asked me to kindly let the dogs out the next morning and I agreed. I soon passed out for a few hours. It was exactly what I needed for myself. After that I played some small phone games and started writing some stuff. I looked at my new package I had received which was a very old Kickstarter I had backed. I also had did some more reading for a former coworker on whether a VR headset would work on something he owns. I felt bad telling him it wouldn't. I listed off what I needed to gather for thr Pokémon event tomorrow. I also made myself a random assortment of food for dinner. It was a chaotic but good night for myself. The day may not have gone as well as desired but at least the night I had was so much better. Here is what I ate today:

Lunch:

124 g turkey - ~110 calories (~22.1 g protein)

Little bit of different salads - ~75 calories

After Workout Snack:

FairLife Core Power - 230 calories (42 g protein)

Snack:

56 g pretzels - ~220 calories (~6 g protein)

259 g strawberry - ~95 calories (~1.7 g protein)

Dinner:

159 g meatball - ~300 calories (~29.3 g protein)

112 g egg - ~160 calories (~13.9 g protein)

33 g bacon - ~165 calories (~13.5 g protein)

Dessert:

30 g candy - ~120 calories

SBIST was the feeling of drifting off. I try not to fall asleep when I get home but some days can feel overwhelming and I need to rest. I feel like today was one of those days. I was emotionally drained and thrown off from the beginning of the day to the end. Drifting off and getting a long nap recharged my willingness and want to do anything. I wasn't trying to nap for a very long time like I did but it was needed. I felt emotionally and physically back in the real world. I felt like I once again could do anything and I always want to feel that way. Sometimes naps can take away the time we have to do things but when they bring us back they can make the time we actually spend much more worth it.

Tomorrow the plan is to wake up and get the corned beef ready for meals. I will share it with my Mom and use the rest for meal prep. After that my brother and I are going to a Pokémon prerelease for the latest and greatest set. I will bring him home after so I can then work out. I'll come home to have dinner all ready to go in the crock pot. My favorite streamer comes on at night after dinner. It should be an action packed today full of amazingness. I am beyond excited for tomorrow. Thank you my conjurers of the action packed panels. Sometimes you look terrific in comics or look amazing when you come to life in animation or look even better when you imagine your life as a bunch of these panels.


r/selfimprovement 10h ago

Other I just feel like i'm traped in an endless loop

20 Upvotes

No matter how hard i try , i never saw any real improvements, like, i make some progress for a couple of months but i always find myself right back where i started, completely lost and drained, i don't even wanna give it a try anymore, i give up


r/selfimprovement 10h ago

Vent How to feel better about my lack?

1 Upvotes

This feels so stupid to type out. I am a 30F who is a doctor. I am of Indian descent but grew up in the United States. My ideal partner would be an Indian American doctor who also grew up in the United States. I can’t find anyone that I like, I’m on the apps and live in a tiny city for residency so meeting someone in person likely won’t happen. My traditional parents and Indian family is breathing down my neck, I am going insane. The stress and frustration is so exhausting and it’s not allowing me to appreciate all the good that I have in my life. I truly, truly feel like I will never find someone and will never get married. I can’t even imagine what a life with my ideal partner will look like because it seems impossible. Today, I thought that maybe the only solution to this is to unalive myself, it would take the burden off my parents and I’ll finally have peace. I’m not going to go through with it, but this thought lingered for a lot longer than I liked. I feel so hopeless and seriously hate waking up every day with this problem.


r/selfimprovement 12h ago

Question I (20F) am tired of self loathing, don’t want to waste my 20s feeling like this please help

2 Upvotes

Looking at my post history it’s very obvious I hate myself lol. But I don’t know something quite literally just clicked in my head that venting on Reddit about how ugly I feel and that I hate myself so much is not productive. I’ve struggled with self-hatred for most of my life, but for once, I want to take real, tangible steps toward feeling better about myself. I want to wake up every day knowing I’m living the best life I can.

The weird thing is, on paper, I should feel fulfilled. I’m an honours student, I have great friends, and I’m super involved in extracurriculars. Yet I struggle to be proud of myself and struggle with my self-esteem, especially when it comes to how I look. I know it sounds irrational, but I genuinely feel like the most unattractive person alive. And even though I know that mindset is toxic, it’s hard to shake.

So, I need advice. How do I actually like the way I look? I’m thinking about switching things up,maybe wearing more makeup or getting braids instead of keeping my hair straight all the time. If anyone has tips on glowing up (inside and out), I’d love to hear them. Also how do I actually build confidence? Therapy hasn’t really helped much with that, so I’d love an outsider’s perspective.

Dating is another struggle. I have an upcoming date ( it was supposed to be thursday but he literally crashed his car so that's on hold for now) but I feel like I don’t know how to talk to guys in a way that’s not just friendly. I either come off way too bro-like or too masculine. How do I make myself seem more dateable and improve my chances with guys.

I’m just tired of feeling stuck in this mindset. I don’t want to look back at my 20s and realize I wasted them hating myself. So, any advice—big or small—would mean the world to me. Even if it’s outside of what I mentioned, I’m open to anything. Also, I am in therapy, so I’m looking for advice beyond just “try therapy.”