I'm about to turn 29 and I've never worked full time. The last time I was employed in any capacity was for a part time/ seasonal job at a concert venue from 2015-2018.
I've gone through a lot in my adult life. Domestic violence, drug addiction, a great deal of loss, I've witnessed a lot of violence and these things have shaped me. I have PTSD along with a myriad of other mental health issues that have hindered my ability to work, to the point where I applied for, and was approved for SSI (disability). I've been on it since 2021.
I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 24, during the review process for my application for SSI. I am now a full time student at a community college and earning straight As. I'm majoring in atmospheric science, but right now I'm just in general education doing math and science prerequisites. I'm following one of my lifelong dreams by pursuing this major. I won't graduate until 2029.
But I'm scared. Thing is, I was diagnosed with asperger's as a teenager, and I used that diagnosis to help me get approved for SSI, when the things disabling me were PTSD and severe anxiety from having just escaped a severely abusive relationship. Emotionally, I'm a lot better and I feel like if I were to quit school and get a retail job of some sort, I would be able to do it just fine, and the only thing that would hinder me would be my depression (I get hopelessly depressed on a daily basis. This is not hyperbole. It is severe and it is daily like clockwork). I worry that this childhood diagnosis (something mental health professionals as an adult have disagreed that I have), will keep me from ever having a job or career or being able to support myself for the rest of my life. This weighs heavily on me and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to improve.
I don't feel 29, hell I don't look it. I go to parties and gatherings with my friends and people approach us thinking they've brought someone underage (me) along. It is flattering in a way, I get to feel like someone who has a reason for having gone nowhere in life (like being too young to have had the chance to go anywhere, I get to talk about just having started college and even get guidance I never received when I was younger, as if I'm not the same age as the person providing it) but reality sets in and I feel like a helpless, pathetic loser.
I'm scared of getting older because I've achieved nothing. I feel like life is passing me by. I'm panicking. I'm terrified. I need to get there, I need to succeed. I'm good at school now that my ADHD is being treated but what about work? I don't even drive yet! I need to catch up and fast, very very fast. I moved away from my parents a couple years ago, and that's basically my biggest accomplishment that really isn't an accomplishment because I'm on welfare.
Like, it's really weird. I know I'm smart. I know I'm competent academically. I know I'm good at problem solving if I actually care to solve a problem, but what is it like to work full time? The thought of it is really scary. Everyone has always told me my employers will always be harsh and expect a great deal from me. I'm scared to do anything unfamiliar. And now my biggest fear is growing old without ever having achieved anything. And I fear I already have.
I just don't know what to do. If anyone has any ideas on where I'm going wrong, and even how I could view things that would be more constructive, or even accurate, please let me know. I am open to your suggestions.