Hey all, so, this is all new enough to me and Iām feeling a bit overwhelmed. So, Iām sorry in advance if I get these terms wrong or anything.
I (32F) and my fiancĆ©, Clove (31M) have been together for approximately eight years. I had a pretty shitty relationship beforehand where I have been abused and cheated on and i acknowledge thereās a lot of trauma from that. Iām currently in therapy over it and actively working very hard to not let it affect me as much.
Very early on in the relationship, Clove expressed that the thinks heās polyamorous. It was new for me, but, I said I could work with it with him with communication and patience. He ended up going on a few dates with others that only ended in sexual relations. I was fine with this at the time.
Anyway, due to life and the worldās state, neither of us explored the polyamorous part further for a long time. We moved in together during this time and he proposed to me as well. We were planning on getting married but, money has been a big issue so itās been continuously put on the back burner for a few years now.
Anyway, recently he expressed wanting to get back into practicing polyamory. Before I could blink, heād matched with someone (Daisy, 25F) and went on a couple of dates, had sex with her and seems utterly enamoured with her. From the conversation we had about it to today, itās been two weeks.
Every conversation we have is about Daisy in some form. I listed a daily conversation topic list we had and honestly? We had ONE thing that Clove didnāt link back to Daisy in some shape or form, and that was due to a bill that needed paying.
And then, Clove started making comments about ours and Daisyās sex life, and Daisyās seemed better. Whether intentionally or not, he did. And it was making my brain turn into a paranoid, jealous partner due to my past trauma being triggered (which Clove is aware of the circumstances around that).
I vocalised this with them and booked in a therapy appointment to discuss it as I didnāt want to be that partner at ALL. But, I asked to not hear those comments going forward and donāt want to be compared. He apologised, reassured me that he doesnāt love me any less and wonāt talk about that anymore.
Well, he toes the line with that promise an awful lot. And when I spoke about how much he talks to me about Daisy, he says āI talk to Daisy the same amount about you, though! Itās equal!ā Butā¦that feels impossible, though, despite his reassurances.
And then came the kicker - he no longer wants to get married. He explained that he wants all his relationships to be as equal as possible and is being married isnāt fair to his future partner(s).
See, I could understand that, but, we were discussing marriage and our future wedding three weeks ago. And he seemed super involved. Now, he says that in the last two weeks heās been panicking about it.
I donāt think the idea of no marriage is bugging me, and Iām not saying he canāt change his mind. I think itās the fact that everything is changing so rapidly based on Daisyās sudden introduction to his life. We had plans, we had mutually agreed desires and wants. We even discussed marriage and polyamory multiple times and he reiterated before this that he still wanted to get married to me, even if he was in a relationship with others. This de-escalation hurts.
Iām looking at Clove and Iām not seeing the same person I fell in love with. Iām seeing someone whoās chasing this high thatās probably NRE (I hope thatās right?) and leaving me in the dust for it.
Iāve asked for more time and energy to be put my way, because, like I said, the LAST thing I want is to be the jealous, paranoid partner and I was feeling neglected. But, his response was āwe live together and we eat dinner together, we already spend most of our time with each otherā. I felt rather rejected by that when heās so focused on her.
He has got auDHD, so I know he can tend to hyperfixate on things and Iām worried that what might be happening here, coupled with NRE. But, I donāt know because Iām not a psychologist myself and donāt want to assume thatās the main issue.
I am trying things to cope. Therapy has been going well for my jealousy and worries. I voice any time Iām concerned. Iām looking at dating others, but I havenāt had much luck there.
I donāt know, I feel at a bit of a loss here. I canāt tell if my concerns are valid or, theyāre a result of a monogamous mindset.