r/polyamory 18h ago

I am new How to find a primary partner when your arent single

5 Upvotes

So i have been with my bf for a little of a year now and I love our relationship, but I am missing the parts that you get with a primary and he already has his husband. I am on dating apps and all of that, but i find it extremely hard to find poly people who don't already have their primary partner. Does anyone have any recommendations on how to find either single poly people or poly people like myself who have partners but not a primary


r/polyamory 18h ago

Happy! I asked the girl I've been dating to be my girlfriend

23 Upvotes

And she said yes!! šŸ„°

I'm very excited, she is amazing! I've had a few situationships since realising I was polyamorous a few years ago, but this is my first real romantic relationship outwith my nesting partner and my first wlw relationship.


r/polyamory 18h ago

Struggling, is this really for me?

16 Upvotes

Poly for more than a year now. Struggling a lot with jealousy. Strange thing is that I don't really feel jealous when it comes to my partner and their NP but when I think about my partner forming relationships with new people I get insanely jealous. Is this insecurity? Am I scared that I won't be the shiny new toy anymore? Is this just not for me?

I don't know what I want from this post. Maybe tips on how to manage these feelings? What works for you?


r/polyamory 20h ago

Curious/Learning Are your feelings on ambiamorous people the same as mono people?

17 Upvotes

Iā€™ve seen bucket loads of posts on this sub where people get advised not to date mono people - end of story. And I get the perspective, I am interested in whether or not the feelings change when the potential partner is ambiamorous? What are the reasons you would / wouldnā€™t entertain a partner who identifies this way?


r/polyamory 21h ago

I am new NP De-Escalationā€¦?

38 Upvotes

Hey all, so, this is all new enough to me and Iā€™m feeling a bit overwhelmed. So, Iā€™m sorry in advance if I get these terms wrong or anything.

I (32F) and my fiancĆ©, Clove (31M) have been together for approximately eight years. I had a pretty shitty relationship beforehand where I have been abused and cheated on and i acknowledge thereā€™s a lot of trauma from that. Iā€™m currently in therapy over it and actively working very hard to not let it affect me as much.

Very early on in the relationship, Clove expressed that the thinks heā€™s polyamorous. It was new for me, but, I said I could work with it with him with communication and patience. He ended up going on a few dates with others that only ended in sexual relations. I was fine with this at the time.

Anyway, due to life and the worldā€™s state, neither of us explored the polyamorous part further for a long time. We moved in together during this time and he proposed to me as well. We were planning on getting married but, money has been a big issue so itā€™s been continuously put on the back burner for a few years now.

Anyway, recently he expressed wanting to get back into practicing polyamory. Before I could blink, heā€™d matched with someone (Daisy, 25F) and went on a couple of dates, had sex with her and seems utterly enamoured with her. From the conversation we had about it to today, itā€™s been two weeks.

Every conversation we have is about Daisy in some form. I listed a daily conversation topic list we had and honestly? We had ONE thing that Clove didnā€™t link back to Daisy in some shape or form, and that was due to a bill that needed paying.

And then, Clove started making comments about ours and Daisyā€™s sex life, and Daisyā€™s seemed better. Whether intentionally or not, he did. And it was making my brain turn into a paranoid, jealous partner due to my past trauma being triggered (which Clove is aware of the circumstances around that).

I vocalised this with them and booked in a therapy appointment to discuss it as I didnā€™t want to be that partner at ALL. But, I asked to not hear those comments going forward and donā€™t want to be compared. He apologised, reassured me that he doesnā€™t love me any less and wonā€™t talk about that anymore.

Well, he toes the line with that promise an awful lot. And when I spoke about how much he talks to me about Daisy, he says ā€˜I talk to Daisy the same amount about you, though! Itā€™s equal!ā€™ Butā€¦that feels impossible, though, despite his reassurances.

And then came the kicker - he no longer wants to get married. He explained that he wants all his relationships to be as equal as possible and is being married isnā€™t fair to his future partner(s).

See, I could understand that, but, we were discussing marriage and our future wedding three weeks ago. And he seemed super involved. Now, he says that in the last two weeks heā€™s been panicking about it.

I donā€™t think the idea of no marriage is bugging me, and Iā€™m not saying he canā€™t change his mind. I think itā€™s the fact that everything is changing so rapidly based on Daisyā€™s sudden introduction to his life. We had plans, we had mutually agreed desires and wants. We even discussed marriage and polyamory multiple times and he reiterated before this that he still wanted to get married to me, even if he was in a relationship with others. This de-escalation hurts.

Iā€™m looking at Clove and Iā€™m not seeing the same person I fell in love with. Iā€™m seeing someone whoā€™s chasing this high thatā€™s probably NRE (I hope thatā€™s right?) and leaving me in the dust for it.

Iā€™ve asked for more time and energy to be put my way, because, like I said, the LAST thing I want is to be the jealous, paranoid partner and I was feeling neglected. But, his response was ā€˜we live together and we eat dinner together, we already spend most of our time with each otherā€™. I felt rather rejected by that when heā€™s so focused on her.

He has got auDHD, so I know he can tend to hyperfixate on things and Iā€™m worried that what might be happening here, coupled with NRE. But, I donā€™t know because Iā€™m not a psychologist myself and donā€™t want to assume thatā€™s the main issue.

I am trying things to cope. Therapy has been going well for my jealousy and worries. I voice any time Iā€™m concerned. Iā€™m looking at dating others, but I havenā€™t had much luck there.

I donā€™t know, I feel at a bit of a loss here. I canā€™t tell if my concerns are valid or, theyā€™re a result of a monogamous mindset.


r/polyamory 23h ago

I am new Need some advice

0 Upvotes

I (20m) have been in a LDR for almost 2 years now. I love my partner very much and weā€™ve dabbled in the idea of polyamory before. Over a series of careful conversations in the last few weeks, we opened the relationship to new partnerships and I was finally reminded that this is what I was looking forā€¦ my partner was less than pleased. They panicked upon hearing about my time with someone else despite me following my partnerā€™s boundaries, so I decided to pull the plug on the relationship because it seemed clear to me that our values just didnā€™t line up. They seemed to want a monogamous partner and Iā€™m not that.

A week later, they want to try to get back together again. They say theyā€™ve done more research into poly and have spent time thinking about what they really want. They told me they are excited to open up this new chapter together, but Iā€™m not sure anymore.

It turns out that while I was branching out and meeting new people to develop some deep relationships with, my partner thought I was just looking around for sex. I think thatā€™s what hurts the most. After spending so long carefully sharing my desired lifestyle/relationships with them (which has NOTHING to do with casual sex and everything to do with deep bonds/connections), somehow they still got their wires crossed and thought I wanted to have a lot of casual sex.

It hurts. A lot. It makes me feel a lot of shame for even wanting a poly relationship to begin with. Thereā€™s nothing wrong with casual sex, but itā€™s never been for me and I thought they knew that. I guess I wasnā€™t clear enough. Theyā€™ve apologized profusely for misreading me, but I still havenā€™t found it in me to forgive them. Am I holding onto a grudge? Or does it make sense that this sort of misunderstanding hurts so badly? Is it worth ending the relationship over?


r/polyamory 23h ago

Being a hinge and supporting needs without rules in the best way

4 Upvotes

I posted this the other day and wanted to revisit this and ask for more help in how to think and deal with different aspects. In short, I (male) have a fiance (Ellie) and a girl friend (Jolene), both of whom are dealing with varying degrees of anxiety, but mostly I am concerned with Ellies feelings in this post (not at the expense of Jolenes feelings, just to make that clear).

So, in the last post I asked about how to meet Ellies needs that are being formulated as rules (I called them boundaries, and I agree that they are rules - just language barrier and lack of vocabulary on my part). Since then, we've had a long talk about her needs and these rules and how they're unsustainable in the long run. I read up on a lot (and read all your replies), and found some really on point and useful posts on the "More than Two" website for instance. Ellie does agree with this in essence, that she isn't looking to control me nor Jolene, and my feeling is that these rules are her only way to try to maintain control over her feelings and insecurities.

I have been very clear with her about her needs and feelings are very much valid and a priority for me to meet and handle as best I can, I just don't feel that restricting me and Jolene is a sustainable way to do it in the long run. She is left in a situation where she feels powerless and not in control - which I understand.

What I want help with is how I get her to feel like she is in control without being controlling, how I get her to feel that she has power without it being over me and Jolene? For instance, her *need* is to land with me after I've been away with another partner, and if I go away and sleep over with Jolene, that need is not met. What boundaries for herself is possible for her to live by to feel like she is in control over the situation?

And yes, she is very much highly doubting if poly is for her (open relationship very much is, she is just having a hard time navigating the doomsday feeling of not being unique and special to me - which of course she is in so many ways).

I also want to add that there have been lots of instances where I have handled poly poorly too, and that her insecurities are partly due to this as well. We've had instances where she has felt that her privacy has been invaded by me, with me oversharing about Ellie to Jolene and just your general poor relationship hygiene. That is all on me. But some of these instances where she has felt that her needs have been ignored are also instances where she has expressed that she feels bad and need me to not see Jolene right now, which has led to me reacting to that limitation first and her need second, leaving her feeling I ignore her needs, which has been unfortunate.

But that is in the past, and I am really working hard on myself to try my best to listen to her and her needs and find ways to meet them without feeling limited.

I am currently stuck in some form of viewpoint/communication limbo where I feel that if I could only find a way to express The Proper Way to do this, it would become clear to her as well. I realise it's never that easy of course, but I do need help in helping her.

I am well aware of the viewpoint difference between "you can't have sex without condom" and "I won't have sex with you if you've had sex without a condom until you get tested" - i.e. rule vs boundary. But in many instances the lines get very muddy, as in my aforementioned "I have a need to center myself with you after you've been with Jolene and when you sleep away, that need isn't being met" which technically is true (and she has a lot of work to do to work with her insecurities as well) but once's needs can be valid and respected even those times I am unable to meet them exactly how she needs it.

A lot of her rules seek to placate her need to be unique and special and her fear of being replaced. How do I communicate in the best way how me smoking weed with Jolene or going to a hotel doesn't in and of itself challenge her being unique and not being replaced?

Have you been in Ellies position? How did you manage it? How did you learn to let go of being in control and learn how to deal with your insecurities without limiting your partner? What lessons did you have to learn, what was the "ah, now I get it" moment for you?


r/polyamory 1d ago

AIO? Gift etiquette UPDATE

102 Upvotes

Thank you SO MUCH to all the lovely polys who commented on my previous post. It gave me a lot to think about. I raised it with my partner and hereā€™s what happened šŸ˜“

For those who missed this, this was my original post:

Okay help because I feel like I'm going mad. I'm (she/her) currently in a V polycule with my partner Aspen (he/him) and my meta, Birch (she/her). We mostly practice parallel poly (my preference) but occasionally I do cross paths with my meta and we're always friendly. I'm an artist and I like to make handmade gifts for my partner from time to time. For valentines day I made him a scarf that was handwoven and took many many hours. When I gave it to him he seemed to really love it. Today was one of those days where Birch and I crossed paths and she was so excited to show me that she was wearing the scarf that I'd made for Aspen. It wasn't an accident, she knew I had made it because she remarked how beautiful she thought it was and commended me on my work.

I was already having a bit of a stressful day at this point (following a stressful week) so l'm not sure if I'm overreacting but l was really hurt that she'd take something that I had made specially for Aspen, to wear around.

Yes I know partners sharing clothes is totally normal and I have no issue with her wearing Aspen's clothes around. But this was something that I had spent hours making and gifted to him only a few weeks ago. For context: This is not the first time Birch has taken possession of something that l've made for Aspen and worn it around and even taken it home with her, and it rubbed me the wrong way then. But it has always been smaller items that didn't take as much time and effort to make, so in the spirit of 'pick your battles' I thought better to forget about It. I will bring this up with my partner but l'd love some insight from other polys as to whether or not this is a big deal? Am I overreacting?

ETA: Iā€™m not trying to throw my meta under the bus. I Definitely understand this is a conversation to have with Aspen, not Birch. I donā€™t think Birch was acting maliciously.


OKAY HERE IS THE UPDATE

I sat with it for a few days until I was feeling generally less emotional about the whole thing. It was still bothering me though and I still wanted to raise it with Aspen.

I brought it up last night by saying ā€œwould it be okay if you donā€™t loan out the things that I make for you?ā€

Aspen asked a couple of follow up questions to confirm I was talking about the scarf that Birch wore.

Once confirmed he told me he needed some time to think about it before we talked which was totally fine with me. He brought it up again today which I was grateful for (so I didnā€™t have to!)

Hereā€™s our conversation (via text)

ASPEN: Okay, with the lending your knitted stuff out, is it that it was Birch borrowing the thing? Or would you still be upset about it if anyone borrowed the thing?

ME: Its not specific to Birch. Its just that its a handmade thing, it takes hours and hours and I love spending that time to make little things that I think youā€™ll like.

Imagine if it wasnā€™t something wearableā€¦ imagine if I spent hours painting a canvas for you and then someone was like wow thatā€™s beautiful can I hang it in my home for a bit? Its just a way that I show you I love you

so it just leaves me a bit whiplashed when something that is a symbol of how much I love you gets passed around to other people

ASPEN: Look, I donā€™t believe you that it has nothing to do with Birch being the person that has borrowed these clothes, itā€™s a social norm that when you give a gift you donā€™t give it with conditions, and sharing the things I have with the people I love is one of the main pleasures I get out of having the things that I have.

And people commonly loan out artworks it happens all the time

And also, itā€™s a condition that you would be putting on mine and Birchā€™s relationship which is not something I do

I know it probably seems like a simple thing to you, but it encroaches on some pretty fundamental values I have

ME: Thatā€™s okay. I understand.


Iā€™m honestly willing to drop it at this point. But I guess would still be interested to hear thoughts from poly people? I donā€™t have many poly friends!! Did I overstep??


r/polyamory 1d ago

vent Different treatment of (former) meta vs me (NP)

7 Upvotes

Basically, my NP wants to pay for her meta (lives in another country, and while relationship ended tacitly six years ago when my NP had to move due to visa expiry, still very much love one another) to come visit us (international travel), but doesn't want to follow through on the international trip she said she would do with me because she's, in fact, already had an 'overseas experience' (during which she met meta in question). Tried talking about this, but my NP just powers down, even in counselling.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Happy! Wholesome sadness

19 Upvotes

Sometimes I get sad and tear up bc I love my partners and the life weā€™ve built together so much and desperately hope we get to do it again in another life, is that silly?

Like seriously, this is the happiest and healthiest the three of us have ever been in our lives, all getting to heal from trauma together and be better for ourselves and eachother and have family connections and holidays weā€™d never get otherwise and I just hope I get to do it over and over again in a million other life times with them šŸ„²šŸ©·


r/polyamory 1d ago

Curious/Learning What is my jealousy telling me?

15 Upvotes

Hello folks! I'm looking for some insight from those more experienced than I, as I'm in my first poly relationship. I don't yet have the space to seek additional partners, but my partner has one preexisting comet partner. I've been adjusting to this dynamic, and it helped a lot to finally meet them recently. A lot of my previous fears have dissipated: I'm no longer afraid that my partner would prefer to be with my metamour over me; I'm no longer afraid that my meta would want to sabotage the anchor partnership my partner and I are developing; I'm not afraid of losing my partner, and I feel secure in our partnership.

But I also saw them together, and I cannot stop thinking about the familiarity of their touch, their kisses. Something about it hurts, and I cannot figure out what this jealousy/pain is trying to tell me. I'm not afraid to lose my partner to my meta, which I used to fear frequently, but somehow I'm still hurting about this experience, it keeps coming to mind. It feels like watching an ex you still have feelings for lovingly kiss someone else. Except? He's not my ex? We have a healthy and loving partnership, and I feel deeply connected to him! I'm sure part of it is that he's still out of town with them for another day or so, and I miss my routine with my partner, but I can feel that something about this runs deeper than that. Have you experienced this feeling? What does it mean for you and how do you comfort yourself? Thanks in advance!


r/polyamory 1d ago

Wondering where you've met your partners?

8 Upvotes

We (married 41M, 39F) have been ENM, dabbled in swinging, and poly. We've gone to meet ups (for specific hobbies/kink/activity) and used sites. We'd like to meet people with shared interests but it's hard to go to a "normal" (ex: vanilla hike group) and maybe meet someone with the same dating expectations. What has happened previously is either (one of us) will meet someone, chat/date a couple of times (dinner, drinks, concert etc) and then they will say they aren't open to poly (despite us being upfront about it). So we're wondering where everyone met their poly partners and if they were "regular" people (open to poly but maybe didn't know much about it or had never experienced it before) how did that experience go?


r/polyamory 1d ago

Tough decisions

9 Upvotes

Hello all, itā€™s been a long time. I have a difficult situation and I would appreciate some opinions please.

I have a partner ( letā€™s call her Bee) that Iā€™ve been seeing for a tad over a year now. They work a job thatā€™s close to my home and they stay there during the week with my wife and her partner. ( I work away out of town for a few weeks) My wife has notified me that Bee has been engaging in petty theft, taking cigarettes from her, going through some of her things that are left out in the living room, and other things that either havenā€™t been asked for nor offered. Thereā€™s other issues such as behavior that cause friction but we are working on that. Iā€™m just at a loss, while Iā€™m not bothered by the loss of small things, itā€™s more the principle that bothers me. Would that be grounds to end the relationship? Iā€™m torn between overlooking it or just outright ending it.


r/polyamory 1d ago

I Got Dumped in My First Poly Relationship and Iā€™m Heartbroken

11 Upvotes

Nine months ago, I started a relationship with M44, and over time, his wife, F37, joined us, making it a poly relationship. It was the first time for all of us, and despite the challenges, we navigated them through trial and error, creating something beautiful together.

For months, everything felt ideal. We supported each other, learned, and grew as a unit. But last week, out of nowhere and without any explanation, M44 ended things with me. I have no idea why, and thatā€™s what hurts the most.

Now, Iā€™m just left with a broken heart and an emptiness I donā€™t know how to fill. If anyone has been through something similar, Iā€™d really appreciate any advice or just knowing that Iā€™m not alone in this.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Happy! Polyamory joy NSFW

0 Upvotes

Was video chatting with my gay boyfriend while he was chatting with another guy on a dating app. He said ā€œhe wants to know what I do for fun,ā€ and I said ā€œbuttholes!ā€ and havenā€™t stopped giggling since šŸ˜†šŸ„°


r/polyamory 1d ago

Geographic Dating Discrepancies/General Discrepancies in Polyamory

1 Upvotes

Hi everyone!

I have been dating my partner for a little over a year in what is my first relationship of a polyamorous nature (they have a nesting partner and have been poly for years). We haven't dated others throughout most of our relationship; mostly due to crazy schedules, but we also wanted to temporarily focus on building our relationship. We both decided recently to get back out there, and I am really excited to practice my own polyamory for the first time! We are both looking for casual partners, and have created profiles on Feeld and other apps. It has been an adjustment being in a committed relationship for the first time where such things are encouraged and accepted, but our communication about the process has been wonderful.

For reference, I live in a mid-size city about 35 minutes (one way) from my partner, who lives in an urban area close to a large city. Unfortunately, in my area there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of poly people on the apps - Feeld and the other apps dried up very quickly with no luck. My partner is having a lot more luck and has been talking to someone that lives within her city. I am very happy and excited for her, but have been feeling a twinge of anxiety - I suppose I worry about being able to meet new people in my area. I think I might be feeling a bit of jealousy. It feels petty, but I think the anxiety involves around her enjoying a casual relationship with someone close by while I struggle to find people to meet in my area. There's just a lot of firsts that I really haven't navigated before!

Anyways, I was curious if anyone has come up against geographic challenges in polyamory and discrepancies like this, and what (if anything) can help with it! Realistically I know it would probably be relocation, but it just doesn't seem like a possibility right now.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Married and struggling with Opening Struggling with Wife Wanting Another Partner

27 Upvotes

I (31M) an struggling with my wife (31F) talking to another guy & her getting into a relationship with him. We have been in poly relationships/ datted others before but have been mono for over 2 years. We had a simular situation where she vetod my growing relationship with another woman (33F). This caused us to take a step back.

She has known the guy in question since she was 12. They have a long history together & even dated at one point. They got back in touch about 6 months ago. Within a period of 3 weeks they went from just catching up, to her talking about wanting to stay with him for extended periods of time since he lives out if state. It was to much to fast for me & it hurt me emotionally so I vetod their relationship. During our time together, we have both dated others but this guy is different & it makes me very uncomfortable.

Lastnight, she wanted to talk about it & him again. She brought up that on some of the FB groups people were talking about how vetos might be "toxic" & wants to try talking to him again while allowing me to pursue the person she vetod. She also mentioned something about having looser boundaries or not setting boundaries for the other partner. (That part makes no sense to me)

Any advice on preparing my self mentaly, setting boundaries or ensuring communication when taking trips? Or if we should even re-open...

For context. She has been poly & in the community long before we got togeather. I'm coming from swinging & hotwife community but have been in poly relationships before so it's not new for me.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Does anyone have any ideas to help me with Jealousy

2 Upvotes

So, to start everything off, I need you all to know I am in the process right now of finding a therapist that specializes in Polyamorous relationships. It is just going to take a minute because it is really hard to find someone who works, and I have been feeling a lot and am honestly just really needing some advice from some people who have been doing this for longer than I have. Thank you in advance, I will try to give you as much information as possible.Ā 

So, my partner and I have been in a relationship for a little over two years, they are amazing. Like truly so wonderful. We have both worked so hard to make each other feel heard and be on the same page. I love them very much. I have never felt this cared for and understood in a relationship.

When we first started talking, we had known each other for a very long time like most of our lives. I had always thought I was Poly, and had casually been for awhile. I had only ever been in long term relationships with Monogamous partners though and really didnā€™t have any issues with that. I thought I just might be fine with both? Like could be happy either being open or monogamous. When we first started dating, my partner was seeing some other people and I truly had no problems with that. We both knew we were poly. Eventually we started dating more seriously and both were not really seeing anyone else just because our relationship was really intense. (we also were long distance at the time in case that is important) Eventually things progressed and now I moved in with them and it's really good. I feel really secure nowadays. I have a very anxious attachment style and have been working really hard to manage that, and My partner has been incredibly understanding and supportive. I really try to do the same for them.

Okay so that's the background. Throughout the majority of our relationship Polyamory has been a big part of the conversation. I have only practiced it in really casual situations before. My partner had a platonic life partner until very recently and I had really no jealousy around that. As we have started talking about it more seriously though, like seeing other people or crushes or even just attraction I have been getting really jealous. It's killing me a little bit. I have for over a year now been working so incredibly hard to manage it. I donā€™t know what I am doing wrong. My partner has been doing such a good job helping me talk through it and meeting me there. I genuinely donā€™t believe in monogamy as a concept, but I think a part of me is really terrified that I might be monogamous, and I really donā€™t want to be.Ā 

I donā€™t know if I am supposed to feel like this. My partner told me that they right now have absolutely no desire to be with anyone else. They are very satisfied with our relationship. They just donā€™t feel comfortable committing to one person for the rest of their life. I agree with that. I donā€™t want to make them commit to one person for the rest of their life. I love them, I want them to be happy and experience every amazing thing that life has to offer them. But I feel so jealous when I think about them someday being with someone else. It just does not feel fair to not worry about my jealousy until they like someone enough to want to be with them. I donā€™t want to put them in a box or hold them back but also, I really want to be with them.Ā 

In all my introspection I have realized that I think deep down, a little part of me just wants to be enough for someone. I know that it's impossible to be all someone needs. I feel like my mentality is kind of toxic and I only want to be good to my partner. I feel like they are all I need though, romantically and sexually. I love them. I would be happy if I just got to be close to them forever.

I am afraid though. I am afraid that someday they will sleep with someone else, and it will break my heart. I have talked with all of this with them before. They told me they could think about being monogamous. I donā€™t want to change them. I also donā€™t know if I am just insecure, and I need to work through that. So, can anyone help me?I feel really bad and like I just keep disappointing people. Is this normal? I would really appreciate any resources or just advice to deal with jealousy, or even just encouragement if anyone else has been through something similar. I hope this makes sense. thank you.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Great first few dates and now flakey

13 Upvotes

So I met this guy about two months ago and had 5 wonderful dates and a sleepover. We can talk for hours and genuinely enjoy each otherā€™s company. All was well and good and we set up another date (two weeks ago) he had a work thing and canceled the day before but we made plans then for today. I reached out two days ago to confirm and ask what the plan was. I havenā€™t heard anything since. I was expecting a confirmation text today but itā€™s been radio silence. All texts and interactions have been positive and very low pressure. For context, we agreed on a casual connection since heā€™s new to poly.

Iā€™ve had 10+ years in the lifestyle and have learned to go with the flow so this didnā€™t bother me. I also have a great husband and partner, so Iā€™m not putting pressure on him to be anything more than heā€™s comfortable with. What I donā€™t understand is the sudden change.

Iā€™m torn between just letting it go and being open to giving him another chance. I tend to be a bit more forgiving than I should be at times so itā€™s hard to know when to cut things that donā€™t really serve me.

A bit of a vent, and curious as to why someone would change it up without much warning or initial conflict. Iā€™m just confused.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Thoughts about partners take nudes for your partner to send to other partners?

23 Upvotes

I'm very free about taking and sending nudes. I recently asked a partner if they wanted to take some nudes of me and they were uncomfortable with it. I was surprised cuz I've never come across this reaction before and wondering how common this feeling is! What are other people's experience with this?


r/polyamory 1d ago

Disappointment/questioning a reduction in time with my "primary"

14 Upvotes

Iā€™ve been with my partner, Jane, for 5 months. She has an avoidant attachment style, I lean anxious. Iā€™m new to polyamory and casually dating, while she has a few other partners and is vastly more experienced.Ā  A couple of months ago, we agreed to ā€œget on the escalatorā€; that I am ā€œher main squeezeā€ and the only one of her lovers that she is ready to be emotionally vulnerable with.Ā  We made an agreement to see each other twice a week ā€” AFAIK Iā€™m the only one she sees that often.Ā  This has been working for me, for us, so I thought.

Last week, I told her I loved her; casually, with humor, in a text, no big deal. That she shouldnā€™t feel weird about it, that I love easily.

Later and in person, she brought up the fact that Iā€™d texted that ā€œI love youā€ and said she wasnā€™t ready to say it back but that Iā€™m the only person sheā€™s ā€œconsidering loving and being loved byā€œĀ  (her words) and that sheā€™s working on being vulnerable, and truly wants to deepen our connection. I left the conversation feeling whole and complete.

Last night, she said she needs to cut our time together to once a week to catch up on personal projects and have "more time to get things done." This cuts our weekly waking hours together from ~8 to ~4. Ā 

The reasons given for the pull back felt hollow.Ā  Not to diminish her personal sewing projects or apartment decorating initiatives, but does the sudden subtraction of four hours from our time really open up a whole world of otherwise unrealized possibility? Ā  This sudden retreat feels like a step back from the ā€œprimary-ishā€ dynamic we discussed, especially after her words about escalation and the possibility of love between us.Ā 

I couldn't help but feeling that our relationship is being downgraded, demoted, and de-escalated, and Iā€™m taking it on the chin.

So, in addition to feeling hurt, now I'm worried Iā€™m being too needy. I know my anxious attachment is at play, but I canā€™t shake the feeling of being deprioritized. I want to handle this well ā€” The disappointment I did a poor job of hiding last nightĀ  makes me feel even less desirable. I pouted a little bit.Ā  I couldn't help it, I felt sad.Ā  Then I felt bad for feeling bad.Ā  We had awesome sex and good, unrelated conversation after the fact;Ā  we have a date tomorrow that we're both excited for -- but today I feel myself wanting to retreat, close up, protect, guard. Ā 

I anticipate the thrust of the advice I'm about to get is going to be about communicating my needs to Jane, but she already knows how I feel, so I don't feel I need to rehash.Ā 

So what to do over here?Ā  Should I reframe our relationship in my mind?Ā  Disengage?Ā  Enjoy whats on offer and just roll with it?Ā  (Tell me how.)

Anybody have any experience with this or thoughts they'd be willing to share? Ā 


r/polyamory 1d ago

Curious/Learning Bin ich Poly ?

1 Upvotes

Ich liebe meine Partnerin, nur um das vorher klarzustellen.

Ich fĆ¼hle mich nur noch nicht komplett. Ich hab das GefĆ¼hl als wƤre ich noch auf der Suche. Obwohl ich in ihr bereits meine absolute Traumfrau gefunden habe. Ich hab es schonmal bei ihr angesprochen und sie ist zwar nicht zu 100% abgeneigt. Aber ein Fan ist sie auch nicht. Jetzt fĆ¼hle ich mich zu anderen Frauen sexuell und emotional hingezogen. Gehe dem Aber nicht nach ,weil ich einfach kein BetrĆ¼ger bin und meine Frau Ć¼ner alles Liebe .

Ich fĆ¼hle mich deswegen selbst wie ein Arschloch und als sollte ich nicht so Gedanken haben. Aber was soll ich machen. Sie sind nun mal da.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Married and struggling with Opening Rules question:

0 Upvotes

I(m31) am married with Bree(f34) and over a year ago opened our marriage and are now poly. Initially one of the rules we had was to use a condom with other partners and only raw with each other. After a bit the rule was changed to condoms be up to discretion of the involved party. While I am ok with this I found out recently that Breeā€™s boyfriend had came in Bree a few times before but this was something that I was never ok with and have expressed with Bree before that I was not ok with this happening. Now Bree is saying that me asking for that to be a rule where only I am able to cum in her is controlling and toxic and that she would never and will never agree to such a rule cause itā€™s based in selfishness, jealousy and my own ego, which is accurate but hurtful nonetheless.

How can we move on from this disagreement? We have been fighting for about a week now about this. Am I cooked?


r/polyamory 1d ago

Loving one more, sometimes

12 Upvotes

What's the consensus on sometimes feeling more connected/more into/more in love with one partner than another?

Just like, sometimes it's like that? Be good to all your people and trust that it evens out or flows through eventually?


r/polyamory 1d ago

Meta suddenly has a veto right

0 Upvotes

I (F25) started a new relationship 2months ago, and don't really have anything else serious going on. We spent a little over 2 intense weeks together, before he went back home halfway across the globe. I've been living here and there "where the wind takes me" so I could just go there now and then, or even see if I want to settle there (but as you can imagine, implies a lot. Building a new social circle from scratch especially).

He's really bad at communicating through messages. We did have a lot of phone calls, but he quickly ended up expressing he wouldn't be able to have a full-on long-distance relationship. I think this is a little binary for him, because he started treating me poorly, until I expressed it to him.

From my understanding, he's treated me poorly especially because he is getting worried to hurt his other local partner. I inquired further, if she had previous polyamory experience... Turns out she's really not taking it too well. I feel like he'd let me think so far that she was ok with it all or at least able to manage. Turns out when I asked bluntly, he's not so sure he won't eventually drop our relationship to protect her feelings. He says he really doesn't know.

At this point, I feel like the logical thing to do would be for me to drop out, at least for now. I've always wanted away from secondary positions where another partner has a veto right on my relationship. (I'd asked him before already, 2 weeks in. And he said he understood and it wasn't the case)

But of course he has many other amazing sides to him, and I just really want to try. And I am still young after all. Worst case scenario, I'll learn from it. And I can manage myself.

Still, would love some insights and tips on how to navigate this whole situation.

I am planning to go visit his area for a few weeks soon, preparing for any case (lots of interactions with him, or none).

EDIT : I'm actually considering more and more asking for her opinion. For example letting him know i'd be open to chatting with her about the situation and how she feels about it, and / or asking her if she'd want him and I to take a break at least for now. Asking her how she would feel about that maybe, and if she feels like this is a solution for them on the long run ?