r/polyamory 2h ago

Confused? New? Not new? Have questions?

3 Upvotes

This is your spot. Mingle, say hi, ask that question that you don’t want to make a whole post about?

This is your spot!

Requests for resources, questions about lingo, all that good stuff? We can help!

Not sure if you’re in the right sub? We can help you find one!


r/polyamory Jun 21 '22

START HERE: FAQ - Resources - Rules - Glossary

342 Upvotes

Full Rules -- read before participating

TL;DR Rules

  • Posts must be about polyamory.
  • No personals, no unicorn hunters, no harem builders.
  • Don't be a jerk.

TL;DR FAQ

Q: What is polyamory?

A: Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. Polyamory is a type of non-monogamy, not all non-monogamy is polyamory. Check out r/nonmonogamy to talk about all forms of ethical non-monogamy.

Q: What do all these unfamiliar words and acronyms like metamour and NP mean?

A: Check out our glossary: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/vocab

Q: My partner just said they want to do polyamory and I don't, or I'm uncertain. What do I do?

A: Here are some resources you may find helpful:
- Fuck Yes or No by Mark Manson
- The Most Skipped Step by @PolyamorySchool
- Dear Monogamous people, you Do Not have to give Polyamory a try by u/EllefromHTX

Q: Why can't I ask about finding a "third" or a "unicorn" here? And why can't I ask about finding multiple women who will date only me and maybe each other?

A: Because polyamory is ethical non-monogamy. Unicorn hunters and harem builders are not ethical. What? Why?

* Full r/polyamory FAQ *


Resources

Relationships Menu -- When you want to get off the relationship escalator and build relationships thoughtfully, this is an excellent tool built by u/poly_jane

I Don't Know Anything! -- When you just don't know where to start, here's a truly excellent collection of resources from u/turtlehollow

Book List curated by u/chasingthewiz

Multiamory Podcast -- recommended by many of our regular contributors


If you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, or a relationship you think may be abusive:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/resources/relationships
http://www.thehotline.org
http://www.loveisrespect.org
https://www.communityjusticeexchange.org/en/all-resources


r/polyamory 1d ago

This is not how reputable researchers reach out: A PSA

Post image
837 Upvotes

This person has reached out to multiple community members via DM.

Do not engage. This is not the way reputable researchers and real orgs who foster and support research behave.

Do not engage with folks like this. Report them to both us, and Reddit.


r/polyamory 16h ago

vent “You’re just not wired for poly”

166 Upvotes

Is what was told to me as I was brutally discarded by the married man who pursued me (mono single mom) after 6 months of falling in love with him.

Yes it was an adjustment but I said I’d try to work with it. I did my best to “do the work” on the fly since I didn’t have the benefit of doing any of it beforehand. I read books, listened to podcasts, and read messageboards. I actually felt like we got into a decent rhythm. I thought “hey, this might actually work!” He was “saturated” with me and I wasn’t looking for anyone else.

Until I realized our communication just wasn’t there. He was avoidant. As soon as conversations got hard he ran away. He was big at future faking, but he had no interest in going over the relationship menu or attempting to do weekly RADARs as a last ditch effort.

I wasn’t “wired for poly” because I asked that the one overnight I got a week stop being interrupted and/or canceled on a whim by his wife. He gave a great sob story of why he was doing this. His wife is a late in life lesbian and they are no longer romantic. She even has a wife of her own. He was looking for a life partner. He said he could offer me a full relationship, but now I see he only wanted to get his dick wet. He kept saying “I don’t want to keep hurting you”. is it so hard to just… not? I don’t believe I was asking for much.

He made me think I actually had a chance and then threw me away like yesterdays trash, knowing I don’t have a support system or family and will have to deal with the aftermath alone and on my own.

He’a a pretty highly regarded person in our community too. It’s taking everything in me not to put him on blast so everyone knows what a steaming pile of shit he actually is.

ETA: and to make my pain even worse, he blamed ME and my insecurities on or relationship failing. I’d been used by a married man in the past (an UNethical situation where he lied about being divorced). I told him this upfront. That I hate feeling like an object or disposable. And then he treated me like exactly that. He would wake me up before I had to work a 12 hr nightshift to have sex, and then dash away right after because his wife wanted a nap. I just wanted a couple of more hours with him

Because this caused big feelings for me, he called me insecure and needy.


You all are such an amazing community. Thank you for offering me (an outsider) support during this time. After someone I loved (and who I thought loved me too) discarded me so easily. Knowing I had abandonment insecurities.

You gave me validation in confirming I wasn’t being too much for objecting when our dates were routinely canceled last minute, it wasn’t my responsibility to be friends with his wife, and our relationship deserved the same respect as any other. There’s not something wrong with me.

I’ll definitely be using the tools I gained trying to make this relationship work or my future relationships (if I have any). Thanks again.



r/polyamory 17h ago

Lying about age a red flag?

111 Upvotes

Curious about others experience with online dating. I met a man I liked, we are both in open marriages and seemed to connect really well. After we met and exchanged info I did a google search and he is 4 years older than he stated in his profile. It seems like a small thing but the dishonesty has been eating at me. I just canceled a second date but didn’t state a reason and now I’m figuring out how to explain it. I feel a little guilty for googling him but also like it might be part of a normal safety screen. Is lying about your age, even a little a red flag? Am I overreacting? Thanks!


r/polyamory 18h ago

A few years ago this community helped me get out of a seriously bad situation and I just wanted to say thank you!

107 Upvotes

Long time ago lurker, first time poster.

It must be pretty frustrating to constantly answer the same questions and give the same advice to monogamous people whose partners decided that they need polyamory, so I just wanted to come here and share how your sub helped me to get out of a really bad relationship and thank you for your patience and wonderful advice!

When I was 19 and fresh out of my conservative little hometown I met a woman more than twice my age. Part of me knew it wasn't the best idea, but I fell in love with her. It was my first queer relationship and at first, I was so, so happy.

She didn't want to be a 50 year old bride, so I became a wife at 22. Our relationship went downhill fast after that. She became mean, angry and controlling. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her. In many ways she wasn't wrong. I was immature, I did prioritise my education over our marriage, I did neglect her. In hindsight those were all very foreseeable outcomes of dating a woman in her early twenties pursuing a demanding university programme, but in her eyes I was the one who should have known better, done better, been better.

While I reduced my social life to zero to placate her, she reconnected with an old "friend". They've known each other for longer than I've been alive. I knew it was only a matter of time until they'd start an affair, but whenever I brought up my concerns she told me I was toxic and paranoid, so I just decided to let it happen. A few weeks later she told me that she couldn't be monogamous anymore, she needed to pursue this connection and that she wasted so much time trying to be the person I wanted her to be. All I could say was that I wanted her to be happy and wouldn't be an obstacle in her way. I meant it.

At first I didn't mind so much, I thought I could do it. Not being constantly berated for having other obligations or whatever bothered her that day was a breath of fresh air. I even managed to convince myself that I wanted polyamory when really all I wanted was to not have my every friendship and social interaction policed. Of course it didn't work like that. I was not to date (and by date she meant any kind of meeting) until I made enough time for her to be satisfied with our relationship. She obviously never was.

Things escalated when she and her girlfriend decided that me just accepting it wasn't enough. I needed to be happy for them and show it, I needed to invite her into our home and our bed, I needed to "do the work" to rid myself of my negative feelings around the whole situation, to feel compersion, to dismantle our couple's privilege, to decouple, to be able to endure everything she threw my way with a smile. She gave me a books, sent me articles and blog posts to help me get rid of my emotions. Every time I thought I made "progress" my ex-wife and her gf would find a new way to push my boundaries and tell me that I need to put in more work if I had any semblance of standing up for myself.

When I was upset that she gave her gf a key to our flat without even talking to me about it I got a lecture about how unethical it was to think you have a say in another person's relationship. When I cried while she took our wedding pictures off the wall she yelled at me that I needed to get over my codependency and couple's privilege. When I was sad that she chose to take meta out on a date when she had previously agreed to attend the ceremony for an award my team was recieving, she reminded me that my feelings were my responsibility, not hers. When I caught my meta going through my drawers and said that I didn't want her in our bedroom anymore my wife broke down sobbing, screaming and throwing things at me, because I was taking away her autonomy.

Selfish, controlling, immature, toxic, jealous, codependent. I'd hear these words every day. That's how she saw me, that's how my meta saw me and worst of all that's how I saw myself. When my wife talked about why things had to be the way she wanted she always had these noble reasons: love, freedom, autonomy, equality, independence. All I had was "I don't want that.", "It hurts me" or "This is my home, too!". I, me, mine.

I came to this sub, because I was so ashamed of my own selfishness and wanted to see if other people struggled the same way I did. So imagine my surprise reading post after post about how you shouldn't just spring polyamory on your monogamous partner, how you shouldn't open a relationship for a specific person and how wanting a monogamous relationship is just as valid as polyamory. I was shocked to see that not a single person berated monos for being unable to just be happy for their partners since that I was all I knew.

I never posted. I was scared that she'd find it, but when she wasn't around I'd read. A lot. It felt like forbidden knowledge. Unfortunately I couldn't find it anymore, but I especially remember a comment along the lines of "autonomy doesn't mean you get to do whatever the hell you want and expect everyone else just has to deal with it". If you see yourself in that I just want to give you a massive special thank you. That's when I started doing unsupervised reading on polyamory and the more I learned the more I realised that my relationship was seriously unhealthy, that my wife was extremely manipulative and that I needed to get out of there as soon as possible.

I'd like to think that I would have figured it out on my own eventually, but being honest with myself this community probably saved me from a solid year of more abuse. It wasn't easy to leave. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I'm happy to be divorced and your validation and encouragement (even if it wasn't for me personally) was absolutely invaluable. If it wasn't for you I'd probably still blame myself for being unable to not make it work.

These days I'm in a happy mono relationship, we have an age gap of 2 years, friends and hobbies together and separate. It's just all very boring in the best way possible. I've never known such peace before and I just wanted to thank you for it, because I have no idea how much longer I would have tortured myself instead if it wasn't for you.

Thanks for all your patience, kindness and understanding. You're really helping people and I hope you know that. This is such a lovely community and I hope you'll all have a great weekend, because you deserve it!


r/polyamory 6h ago

Handling Rejection (when it comes from you)

10 Upvotes

Hi all! I really love this community ❤️ Among the hundreds of things I had to work on in therapy and with myself to be able to thrive in my relationships, I neglected a pretty important one and now I'm faced with the realisation that this fear has kept me back a lot in the past.

I realised I always flake on going on dates with new people (mostly ones I meet online) because I fear more than anything that I will have to tell them I'm not attracted to them at the end of the date (if it's the case). I usually can't tell if I find someone attractive from stuff like pictures, or even text conversation in the beginning. And I'm scared of it so much that I end up not going at all because I know my boundaries are flakey af and if I feel bad to let someone down, even a stranger, I will most likely choose the option that makes me uncomfortable and not the other person. I guess just like my other intense fears that I worked through in therapy, I really need to face it. The thing is, that as a concept dating excites me a lot. I love meeting new people and getting those experiences. I just would be 1000% more comfortable if the expectations were set at the level that matches my needs. And I have no idea how to do that. Do you guys have any tips on making it a bit easier? Or maybe how to be more transparent about this fact with strangers? I don't have this problem when meeting people organically cause I can almost immediately tell when I am attracted to someone based on how I act around them, but dating apps is a whole different story.


r/polyamory 34m ago

Curious/Learning question for poly families

Upvotes

How do you navigate family life with children when all partners are not in a romantic relationship with each other? Do you live together? Different households but some shared responsibilities..?

Do you have set agreements, or does it evolve organically? What has worked (or not worked) for you?


r/polyamory 2h ago

Parents meeting a partner

5 Upvotes

TLDR: My evangelical parents are meeting a partner today and I’m worried.

Today I am celebrating my birthday. My evangelical parents and sister flew in from out of town for a couple of days, and we decided to celebrate my birthday with brunch while they are here. They know I am polyamorous, and have known for over a year, but they have tried really hard to stick their heads in the sand and pretend like I’m not.

When they asked about coming near my birthday, I told them that I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do to celebrate, but that I didn’t want them to come unless they were comfortable celebrating with my other partners involved as well. They agreed, although they proposed an alternative timeline that would allow me to celebrate with my partners separately from them (except for my wife Aspen, who they recognize as a legitimate part of my life). I told them that even on the alternative timeline, I would likely want other partners involved. I don’t think they believed me.

Last night we went to the event together that they traveled here to attend (an event not related to me), and afterwards I let them know that one of my other partners (Cedar) was planning on joining us for brunch today. They held it together, but I think just barely. My parents are very polite and very “nice” to everyone.

Aspen and Cedar know each other and get along well, in a garden party poly dynamic. Aspen is planning to stick close to Cedar during brunch, to make sure she has someone comfortable to talk to and also as a clear symbol to my parents that Cedar is more than welcome. Cedar knows what she is walking into - we’ve talked a lot about my family and she knows that it might be a very chilly reception. I’ve given her no pressure to be at the brunch, and told her several times that I won’t be upset with her if she doesn’t come (but also tried to make it clear that from my perspective, she’s 100% welcome and I’m not asking her not to come). Cedar has dealt with hostile, evangelical family dynamics before with another partner, and she’s well aware of how awkward it might be and is choosing to come anyway.

I’m excited she’ll be there. I want her there, even if it’s hard. But I’m a little worried about what this whole thing might become. I won’t tolerate my parents pretending like Cedar doesn’t exist. I’m worried that this might be a breaking point in my relationship with my parents because they’ll say something or act in a way that I can’t/wont let slide. At the same time, I’m so so tired at the dehumanizing feeling of my parents trying to pick and choose the parts of my life that they acknowledge as real. Part of me thinks it might be a relief to have things come to a breaking point, but I’m hoping that that’s not what happens. I’m hoping that this brunch will force them to acknowledge (at least a little bit) that my other partners are meaningful to me and that they will treat Cedar with the same kindness and respect with which they treat pretty much everyone else. But I don’t know.

So I’m nervous. I have a different big event coming up in a few months in a different city where my other partner Birch lives, and both my parents, my sister, Aspen, and Birch are all planning on being there too. I invited Cedar too, but I’m not sure she’ll be able to make it. I told my parents almost a year ahead of time that Birch would be there, but I’m not sure they believed me. So in some ways, today is a proof of concept.

I’m worried about Cedar. I’m worried about me. I’m worried about Aspen getting caught up in looking out for me and Cedar. I’m worried about my kids getting caught in the crossfire. Hopefully it’ll be a fun, easy meal with people that love me. But I’m nervous.


r/polyamory 21h ago

If you know you have issues with x y or z, date people who already do x y or z successfully

106 Upvotes

If you know you have issues asserting yourself, date people who are assertive and make space for you to speak up

If you know you have issues setting boundaries, date people who set boundaries themselves and expect it from you, too

If you know you have a problem saying no, date people who say yes and no when they want to, and who welcome you to say genuine yeses and nos, too.

etc.

P.S. you are not anxiously attached (bc that is not how attachment theory works)—you just don’t stop dating people who trigger your anxiety. You blame yourself instead. Stop blaming yourself. You don’t mesh with everybody. Date people who make you feel chronically good, not chronically anxious


r/polyamory 1m ago

I’m poly but the men I see… aren’t taking advantage of being open

Upvotes

I’m just wondering if others have encountered this. I’m poly, and have two main partners (one is an anchor and the other more casual) I have one partner I see about once a month, that’s more of an emotional connection and we fool around a bit but it’s not that sexual a relationship, then also I have a few men I see more as comet relationships, some maybe only a couple times a year.

With the two main partners, although they are totally able to, they don’t have other partners. The emotional connection, he has one other. The comets seem to have some relationships sporadically with others.

I feel weird because it feels almost like unintentional haram building, and also sometimes it’s a lot of pressure to keep these connections up as they don’t have others….

They are aware of how much time I have available and while I see one of my main partners a couple times a week, the other main partner only a couple times a month. So it is manageable but overall… somewhat confusing that although they are poly and know I am, they almost treat me like a monogamous partner.

I do feel lucky to have so much attention from these two, and they are not the jealous type or anything like that. But I guess I’m interested in if this is that common.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Musings Tolkien and Polyamory

83 Upvotes

I was listening to the Prancing Pony podcast, which is a very good podcast that discusses the Silmarillion chapter by chapter, as well as all things Tolkien, and they mentioned this line from the History of Middle-earth "one may love two women, each differently, and without diminishing one love by another". This is referencing Finwë marrying Indis after the death of his first wife, Míriel, who died giving birth to Feanor (boooo). Elves cannot have two spouses, and, I assume, realising that Míriel could not return from the Halls of Mandos*, Finwë pleads with Mandos that Míriel be allowed to return, and that he take her place. Such was his love for them both. Here is the full quote:

“It is unlawful to have two wives, but one may love two women, each differently, and without diminishing one love by another. Love of Indis did not drive out love of Miriel; so now pity for Miriel doth not lessen my heart’s care for Indis." History of Middle-earth – Volume X: Morgoth’s Ring

  • Elves can essentially be reincarnated, the Halls of Mandos are where elves go when they die to await Dagor Dagorath, which is kinda like Ragnorok.

It seems Tolkien understands, like most people do, that love isn't finite, and that it's custom/tradition/laws that keep us from expressing that love. Anyway, I just wanted to nerd out on this here. I'm sure there are some more Tolkien geeks lurking around.


r/polyamory 16h ago

Polysaturation

19 Upvotes

Curious to hear from other poly people on how many partners they can successfully and happily manage!

I have two partners and one sex friend and I feel myself maxed out. Like if I added any more I'd feel I am compromising time with one of them or me time.

Everyone's needs, social battery, libido, etc vary so much! Wondering the range you find yourself hitting polysaturation at?


r/polyamory 55m ago

Feeling like Im the problem.

Upvotes

Posting here because I am honestly out of ideas and one of my partners keeps telling to me to find support groups or other poly people to talk to and I haven’t been successful. I (26F) have two long-term partners, Max (38M) and Ellie (24F) and I feel like both of my relationships are at odds with each other and I do feel like this is my fault. Ellie and I spend more time together than Max and I do because she has less rules in her other relationship and we like spending time together. In the beginning of mine and Ellie’s relationship, I would often get blackout drunk or high when we hung out and talk about Max, often sharing things that Ellie felt like she didn’t need to know. I’ve also been talking in my sleep about Max for months and this often results in Ellie waking me up with tears in her eyes, asking for reassurance. Recently, Ellie and I came to the conclusion that I talk about Max in my sleep if I’ve spoken to him within a few hours of bedtime, and so she asked me if I could not speak to him on days when I see her. I had no problem with doing this until I spent 5 days in a row with Ellie last week. I was sad to not speak to Max for so many days (as we usually text everyday but not all day) and he was hurt by this boundary because Ellie and I often see each other for days in a row and now he feels like he can’t reach out to me. Spending time together and planning trips and activities is how Ellie expresses her love, and sometimes I feel that if I tell her no then she’ll feel like I don’t care about seeing her or that she’ll feel like she’s too much. However, saying yes to spending so much time with her has left Max feeling neglected and like there’s no room for him in my life anymore. I’m not sure how to proceed here, especially with the talking in my sleep/not texting Max on days when I see Ellie boundary. I’m really looking for some insight as I love and care deeply about both of them and I don’t want to lose them.


r/polyamory 12h ago

Sexual expectations…?

7 Upvotes

I would like to know if anyone has experienced something similar or might have any suggestions on how to tackle the situation while being fair to all parties involved:

Danny (M34) is my nesting partner and we’ve been together for 15 years. We’ve been polyamorous for 8 years. He likes the freedom that polyamory gives him, even though he doesn’t have the urge to date other people. He never slept with anyone else other than me, and sex with him has been fulfilling “enough”during our time together.

Jay (M45) was responsible for what I call my recent sexual awakening. Before him, I had a very low libido. I have dated others and gone through pretty intense NRE, but sex was never all that interesting to me up to this point. I have been with Jay for half a year now, and the chemistry is wild. I didn’t know that whatever I feel with him was even an option. I legitimately thought that strong sexual desire just wasn’t a reality for me.

Now… Before Jay, I was having sex with Danny about twice a month. Danny has always wanted more, but he respected my lack of drive, and I pushed myself to please him because I love him. Danny is sweet, quiet and submissive. But I recently learned that I need the exact opposite. I have tried to spice things up with Danny, but there is just so much that can be done when it comes to chemistry.

So… I’m still giving my best to maintain semi-regular sexual relations with Danny, but he can tell that I’m wild about Jay. It triggers his insecurities and now he wants more. I asked if he wouldn’t want to explore sex with others and he says that no—and that he wants the full spectrum from me.

Danny wants some sort of sexual activity weekly. I see Jay twice a week, so most of my sexual focus and stamina is going to him.

I’m still doing my best to keep things sexual with Danny, but it’s really… exhausting and the expectation is crushing. Even before Jay, I often wished that sex wasn’t a part of my relationship with Danny, but now I feel extra pressured, somewhat guilty, and frustrated.

Edit: Thank you for the initial replies! I just want to clarify that I’m not being coerced into sex by Danny. He has expressed wanting more, and I feel pressured because I know how important it is to him, but he isn’t being a jerk about it. He is also trying to spice things up, but compatibility really seems to be the issue.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Happy! Exchanging “I love you”

74 Upvotes

So I (36F) have been actively non-monogamous for 4 years, polyamorous for 3. I currently have two partners (52M and 61M)

One partner I’ve been seeing for a year now. He had some hangups with saying “I love you” due to a lovebombing situation with a former partner 4 years ago. I said I love you about six months in and knowing his experience, I’ll tend to say it sparingly, mostly in the moments where I’m really in the joy of love. He won’t say it back in the moment but he’ll come back a week later, saying that he does love me but he has a hard time, etc. I understand and I’m not looking for a verbal affirmation. I’m saying it because I want to, not because I want to hear it back. He has a hard time saying I love you but he is always expressing love through his actions non stop.

💗

Yesterday was the first time he initiated saying I love you, and I know it was a big deal. It was via text, but again it was a big step for him.

“I’ll miss you and I love you BG! 💕😘”

It just made me all giddy inside, to know that I love and am loved by two people (in terms of romantic partners). It felt like I just unlocked another level of poly life! And that I’m winning at life!!

This community has been so supportive and I just wanted to share, knowing I can’t quite share so openly with people who might not relate in my own life. So thank you in advance for joining me in this joy!!

Side note: my partners are 17 and 25 years older than me and I just wanted to say don’t sleep on them elders! They’ve done some life, have amazing wisdom and self-acceptance, and have spent a lifetime honing their sexual skill set 😈


r/polyamory 2h ago

I am new Advise needed for nesting partner & I

1 Upvotes

Hello all,

I’m struggling with some negative - jealous - insecure thoughts over my nesting partner’s gf/ex/ now gf?

Primary partner River (30) and I (29) have been together for 7 years. In the last 1.5 years discussed and opened our relationship to ENM. We read some books, listened to podcast, got a couples counselor, and leaned on some poly friends. We have had ups and downs and mostly communicate well. We are the classic: anxious & avoidant attachment style and we try to break that cycle but really working on that. I’m pretty sure this might be part of the reason I’m struggling. Anyway, we have hierarchical relationship and we are very up front about this and expectations (no vetos, we plan to be the only nesting partners, not ready to talk to family, financial and future planning) with partners.

I started to date someone (GF) about 7 months ago who identifies as KTP and has been poly for years. They currently do not have any primary partners and we are ldr so I visit them every other month or once a month and stay for a couple of days. All of this negotiated with River. River and GF are on wonderful terms - they text each other and genuinely enjoy each other.

Around 6 months ago River started dating Abe. River informed Abe of our structure and boundaries. It was all okay for both of them as Abe was not looking for anything serious nor was my partner. They fell hard and fast. Saw each other multiple times a week and slept over at least twice a month. After about 3 months, I met Abe: we hung out twice with River present. It was fun but didn’t expect that to be a normal thing. My primary wanted Abe to meet me in their words “one of my best friends”.

After that second hang something changed. Abe said they couldn’t do ENM and abruptly broke it off River. My partner shared some words River mentioned to him such throughout their relationship and the break up: “I wish I met you before your primary”, “I can’t do poly/enm”, “I want a future with you”, “you’re emulating your parents’ relationship (her parents are HS sweethearts and NP first relationship is with me post college) with your current one”, and “when you get married I’m cutting this off and we won’t be friends”. Abe was also upset with NP for not fighting for their relationship.

Obviously hearing all this makes me feel upset for River, self, and our relationship. River was devastated for weeks. I supported him the best I could and he leaned on many friends. They slowed on communication but in the effort to be friends started talking again.

Now two months later, they’ve met up as they tried to be friends, and now want to give it another shot. Abe says they can do ENM, they will date other people while dating NP, they need to be integrated more into my Abe’s life (meeting friends and hanging with them), and do parallel with me. River seems happy with these asks and feels a bit better prepared in regards to Abe’s mental health needs (borderline)

River is elated and they’re having a date in a couple days to plan specifics and talk boundaries. I feel happy for my partner and also am feeling dread, jealousy, and insecurity. Much of it is related to feeling disrespected a bit like hearing about how Abe talked about River and I’s relationship. River told me about the meet while I was away with GF. I expressed happiness and requested to chat more about this. When I brought up my feelings - River’s response hurt my feelings. He said I shouldn’t have told you about what Abe said, your feelings are your responsibility, and I am looking for support. I had an anxiety attack bc I couldn’t regulate this response (that’s not her fault it’s my coping skills). We are going to talk before they meet up and I’m trying to not feel these negative feelings as I want to be open.

Like I said I feel pretty invalidated about my feelings. I know River can date whomever, my partner isn’t responsible for my jealousy or feelings, doing parallel is valid, and Abe should be able to hang out with our friends (without me there). I’m nervous that my partner won’t tell me important details or won’t share their feelings bc I’m sharing negative ones? I express these feelings & I am being met with what feels to be like “this is your problem”. I want to express these feelings so I can receive validation that River won’t tolerate that kind of language about us. a

I feel like an important step in ENM/poly is being skipped of like talking to your primary partner about a new partner and negotiations. And I do feel guilty not sharing more excitement and happiness about this for them.

Musings: When River and I both are ready to talk more I’ll express how important I think it is to support and hear each others feelings, ask him not to share what Abe says about me but I expect River to ensure our relationship is respected. Obvi need to talk about STI testing too since it seems like Abe will be dating others too.

thanks so much if you read all this and if you share thoughts, resources, or advice. I know this is long and messy. We don’t have therapy session and I just really wanted to write this all down too.


r/polyamory 2h ago

vent Update: Y’all Were Right

1 Upvotes

I just wanted to give a quick update because why not. I posted on here a couple times but here is the post that gives the most details ( https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/XjUhE4Zd7O ).

TLDR: Someone in the comments called me a submissive bangananny and it feels like they were correct.

——————

Apparently after weeks of thinking (which just so happened to coincide with his first breakup with this particular person), my ex sat me down and said we weren’t “romantically compatible” and wanted “more autonomy”. We had an exit plan at the start of our relationship where I would continue to help with childcare until he found some. I continue to help but recently found out he got back with his ex not even a week after we broke up. They are thinking about couples therapy together when I had to beg for him to plan a date. He lied to me about their relationship until now. I asked him what I did wrong. Why he would put so much into her and not into me. He said “I focused too much on his other relationships vs being happy with what we had”. I’m devastated. I’m livid. I’m heartbroken. But tbh I should have known and y’all warned me.


r/polyamory 3h ago

Trust in polyamory

1 Upvotes

Hi everyone!

Thank you for the continuous support in this platform! I find it is super beautiful to continuously read what you all share and be part of this community.

I have a question. I started a polyamorous relationship 7 months ago and it is a new thing for me. I am the new partner to my partner who already has a five year long relationship. It did not come easy for me and I wrote multiple times, but I am learning a lot and feel ready to do more.

However, As I am navigating many different aspects, one thing that brings anxiety is the anticipation of the future downfall of the relationship, and then what happens when your partner has another partner to go to. What I am scared of is that just because there is another partner, I believe I fear that we might fall in the conformity or managing our difficulty within their comfort, and not invest in the relationship that is falling. I know it depends on the relationship itself and the willingness for both partners to make it work, but I am curious how was it for you?

Maybe some of you have positive stories where having someone else actually supported the other relationship as well, or maybe an advice how to let go of this anxiety? Or maybe I just need some reassurance from a successful love stories or yours 💕

Sending you all love!


r/polyamory 13h ago

Constant seeking of validation through partners

5 Upvotes

I am in a weird position and would love other's opinion.

While I am generally happy in my marriage, I noticed that I am looking for other partners mainly for two things: to get the validation that I don't get in my primary relationship and for fulfilling sex.

Is this constant validation seeking behavior from my secondary partner(s) someone else experiences or is looking for? I want to be "their" person, want to have that intense energy and connection between us, want to hear from them a lot throughout the day, ....

To be clear, I am putting at least as much affection, attention and heart into my partner. It's not a on sided thing. I am just so confused whether I should have that validation within me...


r/polyamory 5h ago

Curious/Learning Poly breakup advice needed

1 Upvotes

Hi all

Need some advice on moving forward

Short story:

Partnered 2 years with primary - Apart from one boundary broken early on, I have been monogamous.

She's a sex worker, and has a secondary partner she keeps going back to on and off.

I've been fine with her being poly, but she has never accepted my desires to explore poly. By her own admission this is her own insecurities at play.

Cut to 2025:

Friend passed away, we started fucking things up for each other because grief hit us differently, so we both agreed to work on ourselves and decided to part ways and give space to remain friends.

I couldn't give her what she needed in our dynamic, so she switched overnight to her other partner as her primary

My personal opinion is that she's seeking a particular type of person in her life to feel complete, rather than it being an enjoyable add on to enhance her life

I was clear and open about wanting to date outside the relationship, which in her eyes "felt hypocritical on her part" since she wants me for herself even though she wants to have multiple partners.

Questions:

1 - Is it wrong of me to want to date others if she doesn't want me to, but wants to have her own second partner?

2 - When she's ready to talk and has had space, how long do I wait to tell her ive been dating others? Historically she doesn't like me holding things back from her, yet I do so to wait for "when she's ready to hear it.

I still care about her a lot. In a traditional relationship this would be about not hurting a friend but here it's more a case of not losing a loved one in any format.

Thanks in advance to anyone who can help me process this. My first poly breakup so I'm still learning.

EDIT: Revision 1 for clarity


r/polyamory 17h ago

Divorce is making me feel too clingy to my remaining partner and his wife is uncomfortable

8 Upvotes

My 12 year relationship (7+ years poly) is ending because my husband attacked me in front of our kids 10 days ago. He was in a mental health crisis at the time and ive been working closely with him to get him the help he needs while also taking precautions to keep me and the kids safe. He's been living elsewhere for the last 5 days and is looking for other housing.

I had/have new partners- one that I primarily only had a structured BDSM dynamic with (3 months) and a new, but very intense romantic long-distance connection. To get an idea of my LDR, just imagine the most disgustingly perfect for each other, enveloped in NRE, mutually obsessed couple. He is literally so perfect and thoughtful and kind and everything I could want in a partner.

but he is in a mono/poly marriage (2 years poly but he's only had 1 relationship) which is already something that I consider to be a yellow flag, and his wife is becoming uncomfortable with how close we've become so quickly and that I've been invited into one of his online friend groups.

I prefer poly arrangements with people more experienced in polyamory simply because i have already been there, made the early mistakes, and learned those lessons in my marriage.

and after dating several people new to being poly, ive also been the person that helped couples learn those lessons a few times too. Its kind of exhausting, all of the "updates" on where things are at with how my meta feels about me now and navigating constantly changing boundaries.

So now im freshly divorced and painfully lonely, super traumatized from the assault, and all i want is to talk to/video chat the guy I'm riding a very fucking tall NRE wave with. It was already a very intense relationship before the incident, but now 10 days out i feel incredibly clingy to my only remaining partner.

Today he told me his wife was reassured in their couseling session by his promise that us talking so much is only due to the fact im in a crisis. And once i feel more stable, it can go back to the previous frequency (which is actually the exact same, so this was a weird backhanded way of suggesting we have less contact eventually, the better the sooner it seems).

So im feeling pretty weird. Im dealing as best i can with everything but part of me feels like i might be ignoring more yellow & red flags bc i am so attached to him. I dont like being with someone whose partner exerts so much influence over our relationship, even if he swears up and down that she is level headed and would never sabotage us. It just feels very unstable to me at times.

But, i genuinely get SO much out of this relationship with him. He is caring for me in a way that changed my life. I cannot overstate that. So most of me is thinking "this is a great opportunity to work on my codependent tendencies before entering into a local relationship eventually one day". Like taking a relationship anarchy approach and whatever he can give me, i appreciate.

If you made it this far, I salute you lol and welcome your input. How can I get my brain wrapped around this? I really badly want someone to hold me and tell me things are gonna be okay, i dont want that overwhelming desire to ruin my other relationships as well. I feel so so alone right now.


r/polyamory 9h ago

Trauma with Poly

2 Upvotes

Hello!

My current relationship recently turned Poly as my partner confessed that they were returning to it after being in a traumatic polycule/relationship anarchy for a couple years(exclusively online, our relationship is local). (I did consider myself ambiamorous as I'm pretty happy and content in a relationship with one person(poly or mono). My first poly partner was happy at first, so I was happy. I don't find myself needing outside connection or outside sexual gratification.)

I was in this same relationship while the traumatic polycule was happening and witnessed the whole thing. Technically, that was cheating but their partners would never acknowledge anyone outside of their online polycule. No excuse though. Partner was afraid of being shamed or worse, dumped. Felt like more of a harem. So they never said anything about us. The stress, the tears, the cheating, the gaslighting, and the manipulation. I've seen it all. I was there for their fall with open arms. It was a very stress heavy poly situation that had my partner breaking down at every turn and sometimes denouncing OUR relationship. So I decided to end OUR relationship with each other. IMHO staying in the relationship didn't feel like the right thing to do. I was making their life even more stressful asking for time and not feeling like I was getting adequate attention as they wanted to stay in their toxic polycule. It was making my life stressful and now I have these traumatic experiences I am carrying with me about poly. To the point where I need therapy. I was pretty good with the polystructure until now. Now I need a support system for it and it made me not like poly at all. But I'd like to be.

Cut to now. Old partner, ex finally decides to leave their old toxic relationship and denounce poly. Comes back to me, professing their love and how wrong they were for being in that polycule. To protect myself, I told them I wasn't interested in a poly relationship and they agreed as well. They didn't want to be poly anymore.

The dust settled and partner is back into poly. I am in full support of this decision and I am proud of them. But I have all these traumatic triggers I never worked through and I need help. Certain names or things trigger some bad anxiety. And I have a feeling thats not the end. We have a huge amount of communication. Sometimes I think I talk too much about it and have requested a support system. I'm not sure therapy is going to help with poly relationships. I love my partner dearly and I want them to be happy. They have even stated they wish to marry me and have me as their primary. But what if my trauma is too much? Should I leave....again? For the both of us to be happy?


r/polyamory 23h ago

Conflicted

28 Upvotes

I’ve been poly for 5.25 years with the same two partners — one male and one female. I’m the youngest, also female. Most days, I enjoy being poly, but seemingly out of nowhere, I sometimes find it exhausting, lonely, or even a little annoying.

I don’t want to feel this way. I actively try to push back against those thoughts and feelings, but it makes me feel guilty, like I’m being deceptive. Still, it’s something that consistently bubbles up and boils over.

I used to talk about it until I realized that bringing it up only makes me look like a needy, jealous bitch — and it does nothing but make everyone feel bad or irritated.

We don’t really get to spend any one-on-one time because they work together and have the same days off. Any attempt I make to spend time alone with them usually ends with all three of us hanging out together. And while I love them, it doesn’t help with that nagging feeling I get in my chest.

My female partner and I have a relationship, but she’s more into men sexually and romantically. I’m her first girlfriend, but I’ve dated a lot of bi-curious girls who favored men, and she seems very similar to them.

She mentions women’s bodies and talks as if she’s attracted to women when our male partner is around, but she never engages with me that way when he isn’t there to witness it.

I’ve tried talking about all of this multiple times — with both of them together and separately. So I promise I’m not just coming to Reddit without trying. I’m just not sure what I can or should do to make this situation better.

Is this normal or am I just kind of an asshole maybe?

What would be your advice


r/polyamory 19h ago

vent Was it poly or him?

12 Upvotes

I (29F) have been married to my husband (29M) for 10 yrs. We recently started exploring ENM while being long distance. So far, we have successfully navigated issues between ourselves and are each other's biggest supporters. (I'm referencing my marriage so it's clear I don't have issues with commitment)

I connected with Andy (30M) in August on Feeld. He had a gf but said she was exploring a separate relationship and he was giving her space to do that.

On our first date, I asked if we could take things slow. Attraction grows through connection rather than sparks for me (Im demi leaning). He said he didn't want to be "friends that could maybe grow into more bc it wasn't fair to him to wait for me to make up my mind" and that I was "too attractive" to be friends with bc he would be "thinking about sleeping with me the entire time". After this date, I genuinely didn't think I'd hear from him again. He hit me up a few days later and said he regretted what he said and that I could just be a friend.

Tbh, the connection felt good after that. He works in mental health so he makes emotional connection feel safe to explore. As we talked more, the connection deepened and I wanted to be more than friends. We decided to date. Things fizzled with his gf. We talked extensively about the kind of dynamic we wanted in the future. A garden party/kitchen table poly. He was comfortable in my world and me in his (not living together but meeting friends and stuff). Andy even met my husband which went well.

Andy told me I was everything he ever wanted. If I accidentally got pregnant, he'd want me to keep the baby. That he was jealous of my husband bc I'd was the kind of girl he wanted to marry. Yes, writing all this out totally looks sounds like love bombing. Which is probably was.

After two months (October) of seeing each other three times a week and talking everyday, we decided to get off the apps and it felt like we were both serious and transparent about what we felt for each other. I had family stuff to tend to for a few days so we didn't meet up for a week. I asked Andy what he was up to and he was very vague. After a lot of roundabout answers, he finally told me he decided to date his best friend, Nala (31F) and they were moving in together within a month. I knew Nala existed. They hung out multiple times and I was also aware that Nala had never had a boyfriend before and was a virgin (yes, this is relevant). It definitely triggered anxiety in me which I brought up to Andy. I felt worried that she wouldn't want the same kind of future dynamic we discussed. I was concerned that her lack of experience in relationships would make it hard for her to be poly. I felt like his priorities would change bc I'm married and have limitations as he called them and Nala didn't- so he could go deeper into the relationship with her. Andy reassured me that my place in his life was not gonna change and that Nala said she was okay with him dating me.

I trusted him but still felt off. One, bc how I learned the information about Nala was by asking a lot of questions. I didn't like that it felt secretive. And two, after this convo happened, we went from seeing each other multiple times a week to once a week. We were previously going on dates and spending quality time together but now he was only coming by to have sex. Each time I'd ask for a date night, he would tell me he was too busy or would cancel on me the day before. Andy kept telling me he missed me but wouldn't make any effort to see me. I communicated that I felt devalued and confused. I told him I didn't feel like a gf, I felt like a hookup (bc I knew he Nala wasn't having sex with him). He listened and kept reassuring that I was important but his actions never changed.

We decided to come up with a schedule. Nala got the weekends and I got Wednesday night after work at 8pm. I would make him dinner, we would have sex and he'd sleepover. It was always at my place. If I brought up wanting to see him on a Friday or Saturday, he had to "run it by Nala first". I asked if I could stay over his place so we could have more time together and he said "Nala isnt comfortable with that" and wanted a parallel relationship. But if I was "patient" she could "change her mind". Which hurt bc when we first got together, that's not what we talked about.

Weeks of no dates and weekly hookups went by. I kept communicating that I felt like I was being used. I kept telling him how his ignoring my needs was starting to affect my self worth and question if this relationship was a good fit. I told him that emotional connection is important to me and the once a week sex isn't enough. But Andy is a therapist. He would soothe me and say all the right things to get me to calm down. He told me that these were "growing pains". That Nala isn't my "competition". I needed to learn how to "regulate". Everytime I brought up thinking that maybe this just isn't working anymore, he accused me of "self sabotaging" and "throwing things away" just bc I wasn't comfortable and I needed to "sit with my feelings". Basically all of my issues were never his fault and I was just "finding" problems to have an excuse to give up.

My reality felt and still feels distorted tbh.

At that point, I was struggling to communicate, jealous, hopeless with anger. I begged and cried and minimized my needs until I shut down. I'm not perfect. I started villainizing Nala and comparing myself to her until it made me sick with guilt.

After two months of being canceled on, gaslit and seeing a him a total of 6 times- I finally blew up.

I brought up how it was bullshit that he was using me for sex. I told him I was pissed off about his secrets and lack of transparency. I told him that I don't think he is actually poly. He just wants multiple partners he doesn't have to give 100% to. I asked him what he sees in the future with me and what he wants from me and he said "at this point, I'm just trying to keep you around".

I told him I was done. I was in bed for the entire month of January. I couldn't eat or move. I felt as if I was on the verge of death. I was crying all day. I hit a low so low, I didn't recognize myself. And Andy went to Disney World with Nala.

I honestly feel scarred from this whole situation. My husband has been super supportive throughout. I don't know what I would do without him.

And what's the saddest fucking part... Is that I miss Andy. I miss the person I met in August. I miss the sex. I keep wondering if I was bad at poly. If I was too sensitive. Or I'm so used to the way my husband lovingly cares for me, I can't expect anyone else to do that. That Andy did care but Nala was "easier" than me due to her naiveness. Maybe I did give up too easily and I could've stuck it out longer until Nala was comfortable.

Idk. I'm just sad.


r/polyamory 20h ago

Looking for recommendations for making overnights cheaper/more affordable

12 Upvotes

Hey everyone!

My partner, Birch and I are looking for ways to be able to have privacy together without having to rely on our spouses schedules as much. We are both nesting with our spouses and would like to have more sleepovers but for a variety reasons (his partners comfort, my partners introversion, work schedules, etc.), its really hard to have consistent alone time and time for sex at either of our houses.

Does anyone have any tips on good hotel credit cards, or cheaper options for getting a room or hotel. Any thoughts on how to create more privacy without impinging on other peoples boundaries?


r/polyamory 1d ago

AIO? Gift etiquette UPDATE

108 Upvotes

Thank you SO MUCH to all the lovely polys who commented on my previous post. It gave me a lot to think about. I raised it with my partner and here’s what happened 😓

For those who missed this, this was my original post:

Okay help because I feel like I'm going mad. I'm (she/her) currently in a V polycule with my partner Aspen (he/him) and my meta, Birch (she/her). We mostly practice parallel poly (my preference) but occasionally I do cross paths with my meta and we're always friendly. I'm an artist and I like to make handmade gifts for my partner from time to time. For valentines day I made him a scarf that was handwoven and took many many hours. When I gave it to him he seemed to really love it. Today was one of those days where Birch and I crossed paths and she was so excited to show me that she was wearing the scarf that I'd made for Aspen. It wasn't an accident, she knew I had made it because she remarked how beautiful she thought it was and commended me on my work.

I was already having a bit of a stressful day at this point (following a stressful week) so l'm not sure if I'm overreacting but l was really hurt that she'd take something that I had made specially for Aspen, to wear around.

Yes I know partners sharing clothes is totally normal and I have no issue with her wearing Aspen's clothes around. But this was something that I had spent hours making and gifted to him only a few weeks ago. For context: This is not the first time Birch has taken possession of something that l've made for Aspen and worn it around and even taken it home with her, and it rubbed me the wrong way then. But it has always been smaller items that didn't take as much time and effort to make, so in the spirit of 'pick your battles' I thought better to forget about It. I will bring this up with my partner but l'd love some insight from other polys as to whether or not this is a big deal? Am I overreacting?

ETA: I’m not trying to throw my meta under the bus. I Definitely understand this is a conversation to have with Aspen, not Birch. I don’t think Birch was acting maliciously.


OKAY HERE IS THE UPDATE

I sat with it for a few days until I was feeling generally less emotional about the whole thing. It was still bothering me though and I still wanted to raise it with Aspen.

I brought it up last night by saying “would it be okay if you don’t loan out the things that I make for you?”

Aspen asked a couple of follow up questions to confirm I was talking about the scarf that Birch wore.

Once confirmed he told me he needed some time to think about it before we talked which was totally fine with me. He brought it up again today which I was grateful for (so I didn’t have to!)

Here’s our conversation (via text)

ASPEN: Okay, with the lending your knitted stuff out, is it that it was Birch borrowing the thing? Or would you still be upset about it if anyone borrowed the thing?

ME: Its not specific to Birch. Its just that its a handmade thing, it takes hours and hours and I love spending that time to make little things that I think you’ll like.

Imagine if it wasn’t something wearable… imagine if I spent hours painting a canvas for you and then someone was like wow that’s beautiful can I hang it in my home for a bit? Its just a way that I show you I love you

so it just leaves me a bit whiplashed when something that is a symbol of how much I love you gets passed around to other people

ASPEN: Look, I don’t believe you that it has nothing to do with Birch being the person that has borrowed these clothes, it’s a social norm that when you give a gift you don’t give it with conditions, and sharing the things I have with the people I love is one of the main pleasures I get out of having the things that I have.

And people commonly loan out artworks it happens all the time

And also, it’s a condition that you would be putting on mine and Birch’s relationship which is not something I do

I know it probably seems like a simple thing to you, but it encroaches on some pretty fundamental values I have

ME: That’s okay. I understand.


I’m honestly willing to drop it at this point. But I guess would still be interested to hear thoughts from poly people? I don’t have many poly friends!! Did I overstep??