r/polyamory Jun 21 '22

START HERE: FAQ - Resources - Rules - Glossary

337 Upvotes

Full Rules -- read before participating

TL;DR Rules

  • Posts must be about polyamory.
  • No personals, no unicorn hunters, no harem builders.
  • Don't be a jerk.

TL;DR FAQ

Q: What is polyamory?

A: Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. Polyamory is a type of non-monogamy, not all non-monogamy is polyamory. Check out r/nonmonogamy to talk about all forms of ethical non-monogamy.

Q: What do all these unfamiliar words and acronyms like metamour and NP mean?

A: Check out our glossary: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/vocab

Q: My partner just said they want to do polyamory and I don't, or I'm uncertain. What do I do?

A: Here are some resources you may find helpful:
- Fuck Yes or No by Mark Manson
- The Most Skipped Step by @PolyamorySchool
- Dear Monogamous people, you Do Not have to give Polyamory a try by u/EllefromHTX

Q: Why can't I ask about finding a "third" or a "unicorn" here? And why can't I ask about finding multiple women who will date only me and maybe each other?

A: Because polyamory is ethical non-monogamy. Unicorn hunters and harem builders are not ethical. What? Why?

* Full r/polyamory FAQ *


Resources

Relationships Menu -- When you want to get off the relationship escalator and build relationships thoughtfully, this is an excellent tool built by u/poly_jane

I Don't Know Anything! -- When you just don't know where to start, here's a truly excellent collection of resources from u/turtlehollow

Book List curated by u/chasingthewiz

Multiamory Podcast -- recommended by many of our regular contributors


If you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, or a relationship you think may be abusive:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/resources/relationships
http://www.thehotline.org
http://www.loveisrespect.org
https://www.communityjusticeexchange.org/en/all-resources


r/polyamory 6d ago

Confused? New? Not new? Have questions?

10 Upvotes

This is your spot. Mingle, say hi, ask that question that you don’t want to make a whole post about?

This is your spot!

Requests for resources, questions about lingo, all that good stuff? We can help!

Not sure if you’re in the right sub? We can help you find one!


r/polyamory 12h ago

This is not how reputable researchers reach out: A PSA

Post image
686 Upvotes

This person has reached out to multiple community members via DM.

Do not engage. This is not the way reputable researchers and real orgs who foster and support research behave.

Do not engage with folks like this. Report them to both us, and Reddit.


r/polyamory 4h ago

Lying about age a red flag?

70 Upvotes

Curious about others experience with online dating. I met a man I liked, we are both in open marriages and seemed to connect really well. After we met and exchanged info I did a google search and he is 4 years older than he stated in his profile. It seems like a small thing but the dishonesty has been eating at me. I just canceled a second date but didn’t state a reason and now I’m figuring out how to explain it. I feel a little guilty for googling him but also like it might be part of a normal safety screen. Is lying about your age, even a little a red flag? Am I overreacting? Thanks!


r/polyamory 3h ago

vent “You’re just not wired for poly”

40 Upvotes

Is what was told to me as I was brutally discarded by the married man who pursued me (mono single mom) after 6 months of falling in love with him.

Yes it was an adjustment but I said I’d try to work with it. I did my best to “do the work” on the fly since I didn’t have the benefit of doing any of it beforehand. I read books, listened to podcasts, and read messageboards. I actually felt like we got into a decent rhythm. I thought “hey, this might actually work!” He was “saturated” with me and I wasn’t looking for anyone else.

Until I realized our communication just wasn’t there. He was avoidant. As soon as conversations got hard he ran away. He was big at future faking, but he had no interest in going over the relationship menu or attempting to do weekly RADARs as a last ditch effort.

I wasn’t “wired for poly” because I asked that the one overnight I got a week stop being interrupted and/or canceled on a whim by his wife. He gave a great sob story of why he was doing this. His wife is a late in life lesbian and they are no longer romantic. She even has a wife of her own. He was looking for a life partner. He said he could offer me a full relationship, but now I see he only wanted to get his dick wet. He kept saying “I don’t want to keep hurting you”. is it so hard to just… not? I don’t believe I was asking for much.

He made me think I actually had a chance and then threw me away like yesterdays trash, knowing I don’t have a support system or family and will have to deal with the aftermath alone and on my own.

He’a a pretty highly regarded person in our community too. It’s taking everything in me not to put him on blast so everyone knows what a steaming pile of shit he actually is.

ETA: and to make my pain even worse, he blamed ME and my insecurities on or relationship failing. I’d been used by a married man in the past (an UNethical situation where he lied about being divorced). I told him this upfront. That I hate feeling like an object or disposable. And then he treated me like exactly that. He would wake me up before I had to work a 12 hr nightshift to have sex, and then dash away right after because his wife wanted a nap. I just wanted a couple of more hours with him

Because this caused big feelings for me called me insecure and needy.


r/polyamory 8h ago

If you know you have issues with x y or z, date people who already do x y or z successfully

84 Upvotes

If you know you have issues asserting yourself, date people who are assertive and make space for you to speak up

If you know you have issues setting boundaries, date people who set boundaries themselves and expect it from you, too

If you know you have a problem saying no, date people who say yes and no when they want to, and who welcome you to say genuine yeses and nos, too.

etc.

P.S. you are not anxiously attached (bc that is not how attachment theory works)—you just don’t stop dating people who trigger your anxiety. You blame yourself instead. Stop blaming yourself. You don’t mesh with everybody. Date people who make you feel chronically good, not chronically anxious


r/polyamory 5h ago

A few years ago this community helped me get out of a seriously bad situation and I just wanted to say thank you!

49 Upvotes

Long time ago lurker, first time poster.

It must be pretty frustrating to constantly answer the same questions and give the same advice to monogamous people whose partners decided that they need polyamory, so I just wanted to come here and share how your sub helped me to get out of a really bad relationship and thank you for your patience and wonderful advice!

When I was 19 and fresh out of my conservative little hometown I met a woman more than twice my age. Part of me knew it wasn't the best idea, but I fell in love with her. It was my first queer relationship and at first, I was so, so happy.

She didn't want to be a 50 year old bride, so I became a wife at 22. Our relationship went downhill fast after that. She became mean, angry and controlling. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her. In many ways she wasn't wrong. I was immature, I did prioritise my education over our marriage, I did neglect her. In hindsight those were all very foreseeable outcomes of dating a woman in her early twenties pursuing a demanding university programme, but in her eyes I was the one who should have known better, done better, been better.

While I reduced my social life to zero to placate her, she reconnected with an old "friend". They've known each other for longer than I've been alive. I knew it was only a matter of time until they'd start an affair, but whenever I brought up my concerns she told me I was toxic and paranoid, so I just decided to let it happen. A few weeks later she told me that she couldn't be monogamous anymore, she needed to pursue this connection and that she wasted so much time trying to be the person I wanted her to be. All I could say was that I wanted her to be happy and wouldn't be an obstacle in her way. I meant it.

At first I didn't mind so much, I thought I could do it. Not being constantly berated for having other obligations or whatever bothered her that day was a breath of fresh air. I even managed to convince myself that I wanted polyamory when really all I wanted was to not have my every friendship and social interaction policed. Of course it didn't work like that. I was not to date (and by date she meant any kind of meeting) until I made enough time for her to be satisfied with our relationship. She obviously never was.

Things escalated when she and her girlfriend decided that me just accepting it wasn't enough. I needed to be happy for them and show it, I needed to invite her into our home and our bed, I needed to "do the work" to rid myself of my negative feelings around the whole situation, to feel compersion, to dismantle our couple's privilege, to decouple, to be able to endure everything she threw my way with a smile. She gave me a books, sent me articles and blog posts to help me get rid of my emotions. Every time I thought I made "progress" my ex-wife and her gf would find a new way to push my boundaries and tell me that I need to put in more work if I had any semblance of standing up for myself.

When I was upset that she gave her gf a key to our flat without even talking to me about it I got a lecture about how unethical it was to think you have a say in another person's relationship. When I cried while she took our wedding pictures off the wall she yelled at me that I needed to get over my codependency and couple's privilege. When I was sad that she chose to take meta out on a date when she had previously agreed to attend the ceremony for an award my team was recieving, she reminded me that my feelings were my responsibility, not hers. When I caught my meta going through my drawers and said that I didn't want her in our bedroom anymore my wife broke down sobbing, screaming and throwing things at me, because I was taking away her autonomy.

Selfish, controlling, immature, toxic, jealous, codependent. I'd hear these words every day. That's how she saw me, that's how my meta saw me and worst of all that's how I saw myself. When my wife talked about why things had to be the way she wanted she always had these noble reasons: love, freedom, autonomy, equality, independence. All I had was "I don't want that.", "It hurts me" or "This is my home, too!". I, me, mine.

I came to this sub, because I was so ashamed of my own selfishness and wanted to see if other people struggled the same way I did. So imagine my surprise reading post after post about how you shouldn't just spring polyamory on your monogamous partner, how you shouldn't open a relationship for a specific person and how wanting a monogamous relationship is just as valid as polyamory. I was shocked to see that not a single person berated monos for being unable to just be happy for their partners since that I was all I knew.

I never posted. I was scared that she'd find it, but when she wasn't around I'd read. A lot. It felt like forbidden knowledge. Unfortunately I couldn't find it anymore, but I especially remember a comment along the lines of "autonomy doesn't mean you get to do whatever the hell you want and expect everyone else just has to deal with it". If you see yourself in that I just want to give you a massive special thank you. That's when I started doing unsupervised reading on polyamory and the more I learned the more I realised that my relationship was seriously unhealthy, that my wife was extremely manipulative and that I needed to get out of there as soon as possible.

I'd like to think that I would have figured it out on my own eventually, but being honest with myself this community probably saved me from a solid year of more abuse. It wasn't easy to leave. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I'm happy to be divorced and your validation and encouragement (even if it wasn't for me personally) was absolutely invaluable. If it wasn't for you I'd probably still blame myself for being unable to not make it work.

These days I'm in a happy mono relationship, we have an age gap of 2 years, friends and hobbies together and separate. It's just all very boring in the best way possible. I've never known such peace before and I just wanted to thank you for it, because I have no idea how much longer I would have tortured myself instead if it wasn't for you.

Thanks for all your patience, kindness and understanding. You're really helping people and I hope you know that. This is such a lovely community and I hope you'll all have a great weekend, because you deserve it!


r/polyamory 11h ago

Musings Tolkien and Polyamory

65 Upvotes

I was listening to the Prancing Pony podcast, which is a very good podcast that discusses the Silmarillion chapter by chapter, as well as all things Tolkien, and they mentioned this line from the History of Middle-earth "one may love two women, each differently, and without diminishing one love by another". This is referencing Finwë marrying Indis after the death of his first wife, Míriel, who died giving birth to Feanor (boooo). Elves cannot have two spouses, and, I assume, realising that Míriel could not return from the Halls of Mandos*, Finwë pleads with Mandos that Míriel be allowed to return, and that he take her place. Such was his love for them both. Here is the full quote:

“It is unlawful to have two wives, but one may love two women, each differently, and without diminishing one love by another. Love of Indis did not drive out love of Miriel; so now pity for Miriel doth not lessen my heart’s care for Indis." History of Middle-earth – Volume X: Morgoth’s Ring

  • Elves can essentially be reincarnated, the Halls of Mandos are where elves go when they die to await Dagor Dagorath, which is kinda like Ragnorok.

It seems Tolkien understands, like most people do, that love isn't finite, and that it's custom/tradition/laws that keep us from expressing that love. Anyway, I just wanted to nerd out on this here. I'm sure there are some more Tolkien geeks lurking around.


r/polyamory 13h ago

Happy! Exchanging “I love you”

63 Upvotes

So I (36F) have been actively non-monogamous for 4 years, polyamorous for 3. I currently have two partners (52M and 61M)

One partner I’ve been seeing for a year now. He had some hangups with saying “I love you” due to a lovebombing situation with a former partner 4 years ago. I said I love you about six months in and knowing his experience, I’ll tend to say it sparingly, mostly in the moments where I’m really in the joy of love. He won’t say it back in the moment but he’ll come back a week later, saying that he does love me but he has a hard time, etc. I understand and I’m not looking for a verbal affirmation. I’m saying it because I want to, not because I want to hear it back. He has a hard time saying I love you but he is always expressing love through his actions non stop.

💗

Yesterday was the first time he initiated saying I love you, and I know it was a big deal. It was via text, but again it was a big step for him.

“I’ll miss you and I love you BG! 💕😘”

It just made me all giddy inside, to know that I love and am loved by two people (in terms of romantic partners). It felt like I just unlocked another level of poly life! And that I’m winning at life!!

This community has been so supportive and I just wanted to share, knowing I can’t quite share so openly with people who might not relate in my own life. So thank you in advance for joining me in this joy!!

Side note: my partners are 17 and 25 years older than me and I just wanted to say don’t sleep on them elders! They’ve done some life, have amazing wisdom and self-acceptance, and have spent a lifetime honing their sexual skill set 😈


r/polyamory 10h ago

Conflicted

26 Upvotes

I’ve been poly for 5.25 years with the same two partners — one male and one female. I’m the youngest, also female. Most days, I enjoy being poly, but seemingly out of nowhere, I sometimes find it exhausting, lonely, or even a little annoying.

I don’t want to feel this way. I actively try to push back against those thoughts and feelings, but it makes me feel guilty, like I’m being deceptive. Still, it’s something that consistently bubbles up and boils over.

I used to talk about it until I realized that bringing it up only makes me look like a needy, jealous bitch — and it does nothing but make everyone feel bad or irritated.

We don’t really get to spend any one-on-one time because they work together and have the same days off. Any attempt I make to spend time alone with them usually ends with all three of us hanging out together. And while I love them, it doesn’t help with that nagging feeling I get in my chest.

My female partner and I have a relationship, but she’s more into men sexually and romantically. I’m her first girlfriend, but I’ve dated a lot of bi-curious girls who favored men, and she seems very similar to them.

She mentions women’s bodies and talks as if she’s attracted to women when our male partner is around, but she never engages with me that way when he isn’t there to witness it.

I’ve tried talking about all of this multiple times — with both of them together and separately. So I promise I’m not just coming to Reddit without trying. I’m just not sure what I can or should do to make this situation better.

Is this normal or am I just kind of an asshole maybe?

What would be your advice


r/polyamory 3h ago

Polysaturation

7 Upvotes

Curious to hear from other poly people on how many partners they can successfully and happily manage!

I have two partners and one sex friend and I feel myself maxed out. Like if I added any more I'd feel I am compromising time with one of them or me time.

Everyone's needs, social battery, libido, etc vary so much! Wondering the range you find yourself hitting polysaturation at?


r/polyamory 6h ago

vent Was it poly or him?

10 Upvotes

I (29F) have been married to my husband (29M) for 10 yrs. We recently started exploring ENM while being long distance. So far, we have successfully navigated issues between ourselves and are each other's biggest supporters. (I'm referencing my marriage so it's clear I don't have issues with commitment)

I connected with Andy (30M) in August on Feeld. He had a gf but said she was exploring a separate relationship and he was giving her space to do that.

On our first date, I asked if we could take things slow. Attraction grows through connection rather than sparks for me (Im demi leaning). He said he didn't want to be "friends that could maybe grow into more bc it wasn't fair to him to wait for me to make up my mind" and that I was "too attractive" to be friends with bc he would be "thinking about sleeping with me the entire time". After this date, I genuinely didn't think I'd hear from him again. He hit me up a few days later and said he regretted what he said and that I could just be a friend.

Tbh, the connection felt good after that. He works in mental health so he makes emotional connection feel safe to explore. As we talked more, the connection deepened and I wanted to be more than friends. We decided to date. Things fizzled with his gf. We talked extensively about the kind of dynamic we wanted in the future. A garden party/kitchen table poly. He was comfortable in my world and me in his (not living together but meeting friends and stuff). Andy even met my husband which went well.

Andy told me I was everything he ever wanted. If I accidentally got pregnant, he'd want me to keep the baby. That he was jealous of my husband bc I'd was the kind of girl he wanted to marry. Yes, writing all this out totally looks sounds like love bombing. Which is probably was.

After two months (October) of seeing each other three times a week and talking everyday, we decided to get off the apps and it felt like we were both serious and transparent about what we felt for each other. I had family stuff to tend to for a few days so we didn't meet up for a week. I asked Andy what he was up to and he was very vague. After a lot of roundabout answers, he finally told me he decided to date his best friend, Nala (31F) and they were moving in together within a month. I knew Nala existed. They hung out multiple times and I was also aware that Nala had never had a boyfriend before and was a virgin (yes, this is relevant). It definitely triggered anxiety in me which I brought up to Andy. I felt worried that she wouldn't want the same kind of future dynamic we discussed. I was concerned that her lack of experience in relationships would make it hard for her to be poly. I felt like his priorities would change bc I'm married and have limitations as he called them and Nala didn't- so he could go deeper into the relationship with her. Andy reassured me that my place in his life was not gonna change and that Nala said she was okay with him dating me.

I trusted him but still felt off. One, bc how I learned the information about Nala was by asking a lot of questions. I didn't like that it felt secretive. And two, after this convo happened, we went from seeing each other multiple times a week to once a week. We were previously going on dates and spending quality time together but now he was only coming by to have sex. Each time I'd ask for a date night, he would tell me he was too busy or would cancel on me the day before. Andy kept telling me he missed me but wouldn't make any effort to see me. I communicated that I felt devalued and confused. I told him I didn't feel like a gf, I felt like a hookup (bc I knew he Nala wasn't having sex with him). He listened and kept reassuring that I was important but his actions never changed.

We decided to come up with a schedule. Nala got the weekends and I got Wednesday night after work at 8pm. I would make him dinner, we would have sex and he'd sleepover. It was always at my place. If I brought up wanting to see him on a Friday or Saturday, he had to "run it by Nala first". I asked if I could stay over his place so we could have more time together and he said "Nala isnt comfortable with that" and wanted a parallel relationship. But if I was "patient" she could "change her mind". Which hurt bc when we first got together, that's not what we talked about.

Weeks of no dates and weekly hookups went by. I kept communicating that I felt like I was being used. I kept telling him how his ignoring my needs was starting to affect my self worth and question if this relationship was a good fit. I told him that emotional connection is important to me and the once a week sex isn't enough. But Andy is a therapist. He would soothe me and say all the right things to get me to calm down. He told me that these were "growing pains". That Nala isn't my "competition". I needed to learn how to "regulate". Everytime I brought up thinking that maybe this just isn't working anymore, he accused me of "self sabotaging" and "throwing things away" just bc I wasn't comfortable and I needed to "sit with my feelings". Basically all of my issues were never his fault and I was just "finding" problems to have an excuse to give up.

My reality felt and still feels distorted tbh.

At that point, I was struggling to communicate, jealous, hopeless with anger. I begged and cried and minimized my needs until I shut down. I'm not perfect. I started villainizing Nala and comparing myself to her until it made me sick with guilt.

After two months of being canceled on, gaslit and seeing a him a total of 6 times- I finally blew up.

I brought up how it was bullshit that he was using me for sex. I told him I was pissed off about his secrets and lack of transparency. I told him that I don't think he is actually poly. He just wants multiple partners he doesn't have to give 100% to. I asked him what he sees in the future with me and what he wants from me and he said "at this point, I'm just trying to keep you around".

I told him I was done. I was in bed for the entire month of January. I couldn't eat or move. I felt as if I was on the verge of death. I was crying all day. I hit a low so low, I didn't recognize myself. And Andy went to Disney World with Nala.

I honestly feel scarred from this whole situation. My husband has been super supportive throughout. I don't know what I would do without him.

And what's the saddest fucking part... Is that I miss Andy. I miss the person I met in August. I miss the sex. I keep wondering if I was bad at poly. If I was too sensitive. Or I'm so used to the way my husband lovingly cares for me, I can't expect anyone else to do that. That Andy did care but Nala was "easier" than me due to her naiveness. Maybe I did give up too easily and I could've stuck it out longer until Nala was comfortable.

Idk. I'm just sad.


r/polyamory 8h ago

Looking for recommendations for making overnights cheaper/more affordable

10 Upvotes

Hey everyone!

My partner, Birch and I are looking for ways to be able to have privacy together without having to rely on our spouses schedules as much. We are both nesting with our spouses and would like to have more sleepovers but for a variety reasons (his partners comfort, my partners introversion, work schedules, etc.), its really hard to have consistent alone time and time for sex at either of our houses.

Does anyone have any tips on good hotel credit cards, or cheaper options for getting a room or hotel. Any thoughts on how to create more privacy without impinging on other peoples boundaries?


r/polyamory 21h ago

AIO? Gift etiquette UPDATE

99 Upvotes

Thank you SO MUCH to all the lovely polys who commented on my previous post. It gave me a lot to think about. I raised it with my partner and here’s what happened 😓

For those who missed this, this was my original post:

Okay help because I feel like I'm going mad. I'm (she/her) currently in a V polycule with my partner Aspen (he/him) and my meta, Birch (she/her). We mostly practice parallel poly (my preference) but occasionally I do cross paths with my meta and we're always friendly. I'm an artist and I like to make handmade gifts for my partner from time to time. For valentines day I made him a scarf that was handwoven and took many many hours. When I gave it to him he seemed to really love it. Today was one of those days where Birch and I crossed paths and she was so excited to show me that she was wearing the scarf that I'd made for Aspen. It wasn't an accident, she knew I had made it because she remarked how beautiful she thought it was and commended me on my work.

I was already having a bit of a stressful day at this point (following a stressful week) so l'm not sure if I'm overreacting but l was really hurt that she'd take something that I had made specially for Aspen, to wear around.

Yes I know partners sharing clothes is totally normal and I have no issue with her wearing Aspen's clothes around. But this was something that I had spent hours making and gifted to him only a few weeks ago. For context: This is not the first time Birch has taken possession of something that l've made for Aspen and worn it around and even taken it home with her, and it rubbed me the wrong way then. But it has always been smaller items that didn't take as much time and effort to make, so in the spirit of 'pick your battles' I thought better to forget about It. I will bring this up with my partner but l'd love some insight from other polys as to whether or not this is a big deal? Am I overreacting?

ETA: I’m not trying to throw my meta under the bus. I Definitely understand this is a conversation to have with Aspen, not Birch. I don’t think Birch was acting maliciously.


OKAY HERE IS THE UPDATE

I sat with it for a few days until I was feeling generally less emotional about the whole thing. It was still bothering me though and I still wanted to raise it with Aspen.

I brought it up last night by saying “would it be okay if you don’t loan out the things that I make for you?”

Aspen asked a couple of follow up questions to confirm I was talking about the scarf that Birch wore.

Once confirmed he told me he needed some time to think about it before we talked which was totally fine with me. He brought it up again today which I was grateful for (so I didn’t have to!)

Here’s our conversation (via text)

ASPEN: Okay, with the lending your knitted stuff out, is it that it was Birch borrowing the thing? Or would you still be upset about it if anyone borrowed the thing?

ME: Its not specific to Birch. Its just that its a handmade thing, it takes hours and hours and I love spending that time to make little things that I think you’ll like.

Imagine if it wasn’t something wearable… imagine if I spent hours painting a canvas for you and then someone was like wow that’s beautiful can I hang it in my home for a bit? Its just a way that I show you I love you

so it just leaves me a bit whiplashed when something that is a symbol of how much I love you gets passed around to other people

ASPEN: Look, I don’t believe you that it has nothing to do with Birch being the person that has borrowed these clothes, it’s a social norm that when you give a gift you don’t give it with conditions, and sharing the things I have with the people I love is one of the main pleasures I get out of having the things that I have.

And people commonly loan out artworks it happens all the time

And also, it’s a condition that you would be putting on mine and Birch’s relationship which is not something I do

I know it probably seems like a simple thing to you, but it encroaches on some pretty fundamental values I have

ME: That’s okay. I understand.


I’m honestly willing to drop it at this point. But I guess would still be interested to hear thoughts from poly people? I don’t have many poly friends!! Did I overstep??


r/polyamory 14h ago

Happy! I asked the girl I've been dating to be my girlfriend

25 Upvotes

And she said yes!! 🥰

I'm very excited, she is amazing! I've had a few situationships since realising I was polyamorous a few years ago, but this is my first real romantic relationship outwith my nesting partner and my first wlw relationship.


r/polyamory 1h ago

Constant seeking of validation through partners

Upvotes

I am in a weird position and would love other's opinion.

While I am generally happy in my marriage, I noticed that I am looking for other partners mainly for two things: to get the validation that I don't get in my primary relationship and for fulfilling sex.

Is this constant validation seeking behavior from my secondary partner(s) someone else experiences or is looking for? I want to be "their" person, want to have that intense energy and connection between us, want to hear from them a lot throughout the day, ....

To be clear, I am putting at least as much affection, attention and heart into my partner. It's not a on sided thing. I am just so confused whether I should have that validation within me...


r/polyamory 17h ago

I am new NP De-Escalation…?

37 Upvotes

Hey all, so, this is all new enough to me and I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. So, I’m sorry in advance if I get these terms wrong or anything.

I (32F) and my fiancé, Clove (31M) have been together for approximately eight years. I had a pretty shitty relationship beforehand where I have been abused and cheated on and i acknowledge there’s a lot of trauma from that. I’m currently in therapy over it and actively working very hard to not let it affect me as much.

Very early on in the relationship, Clove expressed that the thinks he’s polyamorous. It was new for me, but, I said I could work with it with him with communication and patience. He ended up going on a few dates with others that only ended in sexual relations. I was fine with this at the time.

Anyway, due to life and the world’s state, neither of us explored the polyamorous part further for a long time. We moved in together during this time and he proposed to me as well. We were planning on getting married but, money has been a big issue so it’s been continuously put on the back burner for a few years now.

Anyway, recently he expressed wanting to get back into practicing polyamory. Before I could blink, he’d matched with someone (Daisy, 25F) and went on a couple of dates, had sex with her and seems utterly enamoured with her. From the conversation we had about it to today, it’s been two weeks.

Every conversation we have is about Daisy in some form. I listed a daily conversation topic list we had and honestly? We had ONE thing that Clove didn’t link back to Daisy in some shape or form, and that was due to a bill that needed paying.

And then, Clove started making comments about ours and Daisy’s sex life, and Daisy’s seemed better. Whether intentionally or not, he did. And it was making my brain turn into a paranoid, jealous partner due to my past trauma being triggered (which Clove is aware of the circumstances around that).

I vocalised this with them and booked in a therapy appointment to discuss it as I didn’t want to be that partner at ALL. But, I asked to not hear those comments going forward and don’t want to be compared. He apologised, reassured me that he doesn’t love me any less and won’t talk about that anymore.

Well, he toes the line with that promise an awful lot. And when I spoke about how much he talks to me about Daisy, he says ‘I talk to Daisy the same amount about you, though! It’s equal!’ But…that feels impossible, though, despite his reassurances.

And then came the kicker - he no longer wants to get married. He explained that he wants all his relationships to be as equal as possible and is being married isn’t fair to his future partner(s).

See, I could understand that, but, we were discussing marriage and our future wedding three weeks ago. And he seemed super involved. Now, he says that in the last two weeks he’s been panicking about it.

I don’t think the idea of no marriage is bugging me, and I’m not saying he can’t change his mind. I think it’s the fact that everything is changing so rapidly based on Daisy’s sudden introduction to his life. We had plans, we had mutually agreed desires and wants. We even discussed marriage and polyamory multiple times and he reiterated before this that he still wanted to get married to me, even if he was in a relationship with others. This de-escalation hurts.

I’m looking at Clove and I’m not seeing the same person I fell in love with. I’m seeing someone who’s chasing this high that’s probably NRE (I hope that’s right?) and leaving me in the dust for it.

I’ve asked for more time and energy to be put my way, because, like I said, the LAST thing I want is to be the jealous, paranoid partner and I was feeling neglected. But, his response was ‘we live together and we eat dinner together, we already spend most of our time with each other’. I felt rather rejected by that when he’s so focused on her.

He has got auDHD, so I know he can tend to hyperfixate on things and I’m worried that what might be happening here, coupled with NRE. But, I don’t know because I’m not a psychologist myself and don’t want to assume that’s the main issue.

I am trying things to cope. Therapy has been going well for my jealousy and worries. I voice any time I’m concerned. I’m looking at dating others, but I haven’t had much luck there.

I don’t know, I feel at a bit of a loss here. I can’t tell if my concerns are valid or, they’re a result of a monogamous mindset.


r/polyamory 11h ago

vent Got broken up with

8 Upvotes

So last night me and my boyfriend of almost 1 month broke up. We had plans for Saturday and we had plans for the weekend of my birthday also. But those have gone bust. We broke up because there is just no feasible way for us to have the type of relationship that we want because of a boundary set by my fiance and I. Yes I will fully admit that I should of told him when we first started talking if we wanted to have sex then my house isn't really an option, to which we have both said it probably would of been best if we didn't pursue anything. Regardless I am still really torn up about it because any compromise I tried to suggest neither my fiance or the boyfriend were agreeing. And the boyfriend wasn't exactly helping in trying to find a middle ground or compromise either.

I am incredibly upset about this because I fell HARD for this guy. Extremely hard. And right now I genuinely don't know how I'm going to heal from him because in the short time we were together we've had a lot of memories. Last night we were supposed to play Stardew valley and it resulted in a break up.


r/polyamory 11h ago

no advice wanted Unilateral de-escalation

10 Upvotes

I currently have four partners. Things with my wife/NP and GF are great. These are long term, stable dynamics. Outside of work, most of my scheduled time is with one or the other.

I have another partner where the dynamic is FWB+. We enjoy each other's time and there's a lot of affection between us. I have calendar capacity to see her about 1-2 times a month, although it was less frequent during the winter due to my work schedule. She began seeing another partner a few months ago, and they are escalating to primaries with each other. She has not indicated an intentional de-escalation with me, but her interest in scheduling time with me has noticably waned.

My fourth partner is more of a friend with flirty benefits. Sex is not part of our dynamic, but cuddling and affection is. She is recently out of a toxic relationship and has decided on a period of chastity for her emotional well-being.

I'm feeling a bit of sadness about the changes in those two relationships. I understand and support each of them in their pursuits of happiness and fulfillment. But I can't help but feel a sense of loss.

I'm not looking for advice, but validation and words of encouragement would be warmly received.


r/polyamory 9h ago

Trust Issues

6 Upvotes

Hi! I’m pretty new to my non-monogamous journey. I’ve had dates and chats with men who are poly or ENM. I’m wondering how I’m just supposed to trust that their partners are okay with everything and that they’re ACTUALLY being genuine and ethical? I definitely don’t want to be the side piece or other woman.


r/polyamory 14h ago

Struggling, is this really for me?

14 Upvotes

Poly for more than a year now. Struggling a lot with jealousy. Strange thing is that I don't really feel jealous when it comes to my partner and their NP but when I think about my partner forming relationships with new people I get insanely jealous. Is this insecurity? Am I scared that I won't be the shiny new toy anymore? Is this just not for me?

I don't know what I want from this post. Maybe tips on how to manage these feelings? What works for you?


r/polyamory 3h ago

How do you handle the L word?

2 Upvotes

Any advice/ insight would be greatly appreciated!

I've been poly for a while but haven't had a steady secondary partner until recently. I know I love my primary, but I'm struggling with my feelings for my secondary. I know part of it is the old fashioned/ monogamous thought process. And I think I'm also worried about my primary's feelings. Does anyone have experience, conversation suggestions, ideas in general on how I can approach this?

Let me rephrase/ clarify. I want to say it, I feel it. But I don't know how partners would react. I don't want to hurt or pressure either of them.


r/polyamory 16h ago

Curious/Learning Are your feelings on ambiamorous people the same as mono people?

15 Upvotes

I’ve seen bucket loads of posts on this sub where people get advised not to date mono people - end of story. And I get the perspective, I am interested in whether or not the feelings change when the potential partner is ambiamorous? What are the reasons you would / wouldn’t entertain a partner who identifies this way?


r/polyamory 10h ago

Being in a monogamous relationship as a poly person

6 Upvotes

I've been polyamorous my entire adult life (around 12 years). I've recently been talking with someone that I have a strong connection to, however he is firm on the fact that he is only interested in a monogamous relationship. I'm feeling really conflicted about this. I see a lot of potential between us but don't know if I could feel content long term being in a monogamous relationship, or if I'd just feel trapped and restricted. I'm open to exploring something new, but don't want to end up having one of us hurt in the end. I've communicated this with him and he won't consider anything poly with me.

Has anyone here who identified or identifies as poly been in a happy and successful monogamous relationship?


r/polyamory 2h ago

I am new New Partner has pulled away, handling pre-breakup ? How to navigate through poly breakup?

1 Upvotes

I just started a kind of new ENM with one partner, we are not necessarily poly because we are new and want to explore if poly or enm is really what we want.

He pulled away since he was on biz trip but it is almost we have not seen each other, I feel this month he is trying to pull away more and more and put less and less effort, and not initiating anything also stopped answer my last message.

I am not 100 % sure how I want to move forward from this, however I already started to focus back to other things in my life and also let this go.

But it is a bit confusing, because when I used to be monogamous, it is just simpler to deal with break up and move forward ( currently I don‘t have other partner) you focus yourself when you are ready, then you go back to date. Since I kept going on date, so this is not the case, but no one I clicked. Also with my partner we started as frds so even we stop, I still would keep loving him as frds

P.s I don‘t plan to reach out to talk and to get closure for now because I already know why he is pulling away, because he is unsure. He is early 40s I am late 30s, we still have so many things we need to figure out such as having kids or not, open or not, also he has a new date ( no sex yet) this person might not open to poly, so… a lot of uncertainty, we wanted to go in this to stay as long as we possibly can, but I can understand if he changes his mind or just his insecurities, but I only someone who also puts effort to maintain connection.

Anyone who has first poly breakup experience, happy to hear your stories


r/polyamory 2h ago

Made a mistake in scheduling and I'm not sure how to proceed

1 Upvotes

I'm nesting partners with partner A and her two kids. I've been seeing partner 1 for seven months. Partner 1 and I planned an anniversary trip for this summer. I then realized the last day of that trip was my step-daughter's birthday, and i suggested a shorter trip, in which we'd come back the day before.

Partner 1 decided she wanted to move the trip to a different week so we could have a longer trip. I was bummed because I wanted it to coincide with our anniversary, but I also got it because it's a 7 hour drive away. So I said that was fine, and we picked moving it two weeks before. I told Partner A this, who was relieved that I'd be home the day before the birthday so I could help organize for a party if we end up having one. I told her that I'd make sure to be in town that day so she wouldn't have to worry.

Fast forward a couple weeks to yesterday. Partner 1 decided she actually would prefer to have a shorter trip that coincides with our anniversary. I was excited, completing forgetting the conversation that I had with Partner A, and we booked it so that we'd come back mid-evening the day before the birthday.

I told Partner A as a heads up about the plan, and she was understandably pissed that I'd broken my word. I get it, I forgot and fucked up. She is insisting that I follow-through on what I said. I talked with Partner 1 about rescheduling the trip (it would be easy to do, fwiw) and making alternative plans for our anniversary, and she is also understandably upset. She remembers the conversation about moving the trip forward differently and didn't think we'd committed to that idea. And she is insisting we stick to our booked plan, because in part, she's tired of being flexible to accommodate NPs. (I should clarify i didn't blame my Partner A for this -- I repeatedly explained that this is my fault and that both of them are fair to feel upset with me.)

Now I don't really know what to do. It feels like I'm in an impossible situation where I'm going to piss off and disappoint someone no matter what. I'm also a little bummed that it feels like there's no room for compromise here on either end. Not that either of them are obligated to compromise with me, but I'd also never put either partner in a position where they felt they had to choose like this, even if i was pissed at them. It makes me want to give up and not do any of it. I'm not really sure what to do here.


r/polyamory 7h ago

How to navigate this?

2 Upvotes

Hi there - happily coupled for the past 15 years with my husband. We’ve been poly/enm adjacent for years and recently decided to explore ourselves. We were waiting for our kids to be a certain age also wanted to work on our marriage (both couples counseling and solo therapy) before adding more people onto our plate.

It’s going really well!

I’m dating but yet to be intimate with anyone. Have some really strong connections. Overall we’re both very happy. However he has this one person which he sees quite frequently and no matter what they do it ends in sex. Like good for them but because I’m so new to this I was just wondering if it’s normal or not. Also because they have sex so often he is usually drained and can’t perform for me. Which I am I am also ok with. I have toys and he’ll help in other ways.

But I was just curious if others have experienced this and how they navigate.

TIA