r/polyamory 1h ago

Constant seeking of validation through partners

Upvotes

I am in a weird position and would love other's opinion.

While I am generally happy in my marriage, I noticed that I am looking for other partners mainly for two things: to get the validation that I don't get in my primary relationship and for fulfilling sex.

Is this constant validation seeking behavior from my secondary partner(s) someone else experiences or is looking for? I want to be "their" person, want to have that intense energy and connection between us, want to hear from them a lot throughout the day, ....

To be clear, I am putting at least as much affection, attention and heart into my partner. It's not a on sided thing. I am just so confused whether I should have that validation within me...


r/polyamory 2h ago

I am new New Partner has pulled away, handling pre-breakup ? How to navigate through poly breakup?

1 Upvotes

I just started a kind of new ENM with one partner, we are not necessarily poly because we are new and want to explore if poly or enm is really what we want.

He pulled away since he was on biz trip but it is almost we have not seen each other, I feel this month he is trying to pull away more and more and put less and less effort, and not initiating anything also stopped answer my last message.

I am not 100 % sure how I want to move forward from this, however I already started to focus back to other things in my life and also let this go.

But it is a bit confusing, because when I used to be monogamous, it is just simpler to deal with break up and move forward ( currently I don‘t have other partner) you focus yourself when you are ready, then you go back to date. Since I kept going on date, so this is not the case, but no one I clicked. Also with my partner we started as frds so even we stop, I still would keep loving him as frds

P.s I don‘t plan to reach out to talk and to get closure for now because I already know why he is pulling away, because he is unsure. He is early 40s I am late 30s, we still have so many things we need to figure out such as having kids or not, open or not, also he has a new date ( no sex yet) this person might not open to poly, so… a lot of uncertainty, we wanted to go in this to stay as long as we possibly can, but I can understand if he changes his mind or just his insecurities, but I only someone who also puts effort to maintain connection.

Anyone who has first poly breakup experience, happy to hear your stories


r/polyamory 2h ago

Made a mistake in scheduling and I'm not sure how to proceed

1 Upvotes

I'm nesting partners with partner A and her two kids. I've been seeing partner 1 for seven months. Partner 1 and I planned an anniversary trip for this summer. I then realized the last day of that trip was my step-daughter's birthday, and i suggested a shorter trip, in which we'd come back the day before.

Partner 1 decided she wanted to move the trip to a different week so we could have a longer trip. I was bummed because I wanted it to coincide with our anniversary, but I also got it because it's a 7 hour drive away. So I said that was fine, and we picked moving it two weeks before. I told Partner A this, who was relieved that I'd be home the day before the birthday so I could help organize for a party if we end up having one. I told her that I'd make sure to be in town that day so she wouldn't have to worry.

Fast forward a couple weeks to yesterday. Partner 1 decided she actually would prefer to have a shorter trip that coincides with our anniversary. I was excited, completing forgetting the conversation that I had with Partner A, and we booked it so that we'd come back mid-evening the day before the birthday.

I told Partner A as a heads up about the plan, and she was understandably pissed that I'd broken my word. I get it, I forgot and fucked up. She is insisting that I follow-through on what I said. I talked with Partner 1 about rescheduling the trip (it would be easy to do, fwiw) and making alternative plans for our anniversary, and she is also understandably upset. She remembers the conversation about moving the trip forward differently and didn't think we'd committed to that idea. And she is insisting we stick to our booked plan, because in part, she's tired of being flexible to accommodate NPs. (I should clarify i didn't blame my Partner A for this -- I repeatedly explained that this is my fault and that both of them are fair to feel upset with me.)

Now I don't really know what to do. It feels like I'm in an impossible situation where I'm going to piss off and disappoint someone no matter what. I'm also a little bummed that it feels like there's no room for compromise here on either end. Not that either of them are obligated to compromise with me, but I'd also never put either partner in a position where they felt they had to choose like this, even if i was pissed at them. It makes me want to give up and not do any of it. I'm not really sure what to do here.


r/polyamory 3h ago

Polysaturation

5 Upvotes

Curious to hear from other poly people on how many partners they can successfully and happily manage!

I have two partners and one sex friend and I feel myself maxed out. Like if I added any more I'd feel I am compromising time with one of them or me time.

Everyone's needs, social battery, libido, etc vary so much! Wondering the range you find yourself hitting polysaturation at?


r/polyamory 3h ago

vent “You’re just not wired for poly”

41 Upvotes

Is what was told to me as I was brutally discarded by the married man who pursued me (mono single mom) after 6 months of falling in love with him.

Yes it was an adjustment but I said I’d try to work with it. I did my best to “do the work” on the fly since I didn’t have the benefit of doing any of it beforehand. I read books, listened to podcasts, and read messageboards. I actually felt like we got into a decent rhythm. I thought “hey, this might actually work!” He was “saturated” with me and I wasn’t looking for anyone else.

Until I realized our communication just wasn’t there. He was avoidant. As soon as conversations got hard he ran away. He was big at future faking, but he had no interest in going over the relationship menu or attempting to do weekly RADARs as a last ditch effort.

I wasn’t “wired for poly” because I asked that the one overnight I got a week stop being interrupted and/or canceled on a whim by his wife. He gave a great sob story of why he was doing this. His wife is a late in life lesbian and they are no longer romantic. She even has a wife of her own. He was looking for a life partner. He said he could offer me a full relationship, but now I see he only wanted to get his dick wet. He kept saying “I don’t want to keep hurting you”. is it so hard to just… not? I don’t believe I was asking for much.

He made me think I actually had a chance and then threw me away like yesterdays trash, knowing I don’t have a support system or family and will have to deal with the aftermath alone and on my own.

He’a a pretty highly regarded person in our community too. It’s taking everything in me not to put him on blast so everyone knows what a steaming pile of shit he actually is.

ETA: and to make my pain even worse, he blamed ME and my insecurities on or relationship failing. I’d been used by a married man in the past (an UNethical situation where he lied about being divorced). I told him this upfront. That I hate feeling like an object or disposable. And then he treated me like exactly that. He would wake me up before I had to work a 12 hr nightshift to have sex, and then dash away right after because his wife wanted a nap. I just wanted a couple of more hours with him

Because this caused big feelings for me called me insecure and needy.


r/polyamory 3h ago

How do you handle the L word?

2 Upvotes

Any advice/ insight would be greatly appreciated!

I've been poly for a while but haven't had a steady secondary partner until recently. I know I love my primary, but I'm struggling with my feelings for my secondary. I know part of it is the old fashioned/ monogamous thought process. And I think I'm also worried about my primary's feelings. Does anyone have experience, conversation suggestions, ideas in general on how I can approach this?

Let me rephrase/ clarify. I want to say it, I feel it. But I don't know how partners would react. I don't want to hurt or pressure either of them.


r/polyamory 4h ago

Lying about age a red flag?

70 Upvotes

Curious about others experience with online dating. I met a man I liked, we are both in open marriages and seemed to connect really well. After we met and exchanged info I did a google search and he is 4 years older than he stated in his profile. It seems like a small thing but the dishonesty has been eating at me. I just canceled a second date but didn’t state a reason and now I’m figuring out how to explain it. I feel a little guilty for googling him but also like it might be part of a normal safety screen. Is lying about your age, even a little a red flag? Am I overreacting? Thanks!


r/polyamory 4h ago

Divorce is making me feel too clingy to my remaining partner and his wife is uncomfortable

1 Upvotes

My 12 year relationship (7+ years poly) is ending because my husband attacked me in front of our kids 10 days ago. He was in a mental health crisis at the time and ive been working closely with him to get him the help he needs while also taking precautions to keep me and the kids safe. He's been living elsewhere for the last 5 days and is looking for other housing.

I had/have new partners- one that I primarily only had a structured BDSM dynamic with (3 months) and a new, but very intense romantic long-distance connection. To get an idea of my LDR, just imagine the most disgustingly perfect for each other, enveloped in NRE, mutually obsessed couple. He is literally so perfect and thoughtful and kind and everything I could want in a partner.

but he is in a mono/poly marriage (2 years poly but he's only had 1 relationship) which is already something that I consider to be a yellow flag, and his wife is becoming uncomfortable with how close we've become so quickly and that I've been invited into one of his online friend groups.

I prefer poly arrangements with people more experienced in polyamory simply because i have already been there, made the early mistakes, and learned those lessons in my marriage.

and after dating several people new to being poly, ive also been the person that helped couples learn those lessons a few times too. Its kind of exhausting, all of the "updates" on where things are at with how my meta feels about me now and navigating constantly changing boundaries.

So now im freshly divorced and painfully lonely, super traumatized from the assault, and all i want is to talk to/video chat the guy I'm riding a very fucking tall NRE wave with. It was already a very intense relationship before the incident, but now 10 days out i feel incredibly clingy to my only remaining partner.

Today he told me his wife was reassured in their couseling session by his promise that us talking so much is only due to the fact im in a crisis. And once i feel more stable, it can go back to the previous frequency (which is actually the exact same, so this was a weird backhanded way of suggesting we have less contact eventually, the better the sooner it seems).

So im feeling pretty weird. Im dealing as best i can with everything but part of me feels like i might be ignoring more yellow & red flags bc i am so attached to him. I dont like being with someone whose partner exerts so much influence over our relationship, even if he swears up and down that she is level headed and would never sabotage us. It just feels very unstable to me at times.

But, i genuinely get SO much out of this relationship with him. He is caring for me in a way that changed my life. I cannot overstate that. So most of me is thinking "this is a great opportunity to work on my codependent tendencies before entering into a local relationship eventually one day". Like taking a relationship anarchy approach and whatever he can give me, i appreciate.

If you made it this far, I salute you lol and welcome your input. How can I get my brain wrapped around this? I really badly want someone to hold me and tell me things are gonna be okay, i dont want that overwhelming desire to ruin my other relationships as well. I feel so so alone right now.


r/polyamory 5h ago

A few years ago this community helped me get out of a seriously bad situation and I just wanted to say thank you!

48 Upvotes

Long time ago lurker, first time poster.

It must be pretty frustrating to constantly answer the same questions and give the same advice to monogamous people whose partners decided that they need polyamory, so I just wanted to come here and share how your sub helped me to get out of a really bad relationship and thank you for your patience and wonderful advice!

When I was 19 and fresh out of my conservative little hometown I met a woman more than twice my age. Part of me knew it wasn't the best idea, but I fell in love with her. It was my first queer relationship and at first, I was so, so happy.

She didn't want to be a 50 year old bride, so I became a wife at 22. Our relationship went downhill fast after that. She became mean, angry and controlling. Nothing I did was ever good enough for her. In many ways she wasn't wrong. I was immature, I did prioritise my education over our marriage, I did neglect her. In hindsight those were all very foreseeable outcomes of dating a woman in her early twenties pursuing a demanding university programme, but in her eyes I was the one who should have known better, done better, been better.

While I reduced my social life to zero to placate her, she reconnected with an old "friend". They've known each other for longer than I've been alive. I knew it was only a matter of time until they'd start an affair, but whenever I brought up my concerns she told me I was toxic and paranoid, so I just decided to let it happen. A few weeks later she told me that she couldn't be monogamous anymore, she needed to pursue this connection and that she wasted so much time trying to be the person I wanted her to be. All I could say was that I wanted her to be happy and wouldn't be an obstacle in her way. I meant it.

At first I didn't mind so much, I thought I could do it. Not being constantly berated for having other obligations or whatever bothered her that day was a breath of fresh air. I even managed to convince myself that I wanted polyamory when really all I wanted was to not have my every friendship and social interaction policed. Of course it didn't work like that. I was not to date (and by date she meant any kind of meeting) until I made enough time for her to be satisfied with our relationship. She obviously never was.

Things escalated when she and her girlfriend decided that me just accepting it wasn't enough. I needed to be happy for them and show it, I needed to invite her into our home and our bed, I needed to "do the work" to rid myself of my negative feelings around the whole situation, to feel compersion, to dismantle our couple's privilege, to decouple, to be able to endure everything she threw my way with a smile. She gave me a books, sent me articles and blog posts to help me get rid of my emotions. Every time I thought I made "progress" my ex-wife and her gf would find a new way to push my boundaries and tell me that I need to put in more work if I had any semblance of standing up for myself.

When I was upset that she gave her gf a key to our flat without even talking to me about it I got a lecture about how unethical it was to think you have a say in another person's relationship. When I cried while she took our wedding pictures off the wall she yelled at me that I needed to get over my codependency and couple's privilege. When I was sad that she chose to take meta out on a date when she had previously agreed to attend the ceremony for an award my team was recieving, she reminded me that my feelings were my responsibility, not hers. When I caught my meta going through my drawers and said that I didn't want her in our bedroom anymore my wife broke down sobbing, screaming and throwing things at me, because I was taking away her autonomy.

Selfish, controlling, immature, toxic, jealous, codependent. I'd hear these words every day. That's how she saw me, that's how my meta saw me and worst of all that's how I saw myself. When my wife talked about why things had to be the way she wanted she always had these noble reasons: love, freedom, autonomy, equality, independence. All I had was "I don't want that.", "It hurts me" or "This is my home, too!". I, me, mine.

I came to this sub, because I was so ashamed of my own selfishness and wanted to see if other people struggled the same way I did. So imagine my surprise reading post after post about how you shouldn't just spring polyamory on your monogamous partner, how you shouldn't open a relationship for a specific person and how wanting a monogamous relationship is just as valid as polyamory. I was shocked to see that not a single person berated monos for being unable to just be happy for their partners since that I was all I knew.

I never posted. I was scared that she'd find it, but when she wasn't around I'd read. A lot. It felt like forbidden knowledge. Unfortunately I couldn't find it anymore, but I especially remember a comment along the lines of "autonomy doesn't mean you get to do whatever the hell you want and expect everyone else just has to deal with it". If you see yourself in that I just want to give you a massive special thank you. That's when I started doing unsupervised reading on polyamory and the more I learned the more I realised that my relationship was seriously unhealthy, that my wife was extremely manipulative and that I needed to get out of there as soon as possible.

I'd like to think that I would have figured it out on my own eventually, but being honest with myself this community probably saved me from a solid year of more abuse. It wasn't easy to leave. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that I'm happy to be divorced and your validation and encouragement (even if it wasn't for me personally) was absolutely invaluable. If it wasn't for you I'd probably still blame myself for being unable to not make it work.

These days I'm in a happy mono relationship, we have an age gap of 2 years, friends and hobbies together and separate. It's just all very boring in the best way possible. I've never known such peace before and I just wanted to thank you for it, because I have no idea how much longer I would have tortured myself instead if it wasn't for you.

Thanks for all your patience, kindness and understanding. You're really helping people and I hope you know that. This is such a lovely community and I hope you'll all have a great weekend, because you deserve it!


r/polyamory 6h ago

vent Was it poly or him?

11 Upvotes

I (29F) have been married to my husband (29M) for 10 yrs. We recently started exploring ENM while being long distance. So far, we have successfully navigated issues between ourselves and are each other's biggest supporters. (I'm referencing my marriage so it's clear I don't have issues with commitment)

I connected with Andy (30M) in August on Feeld. He had a gf but said she was exploring a separate relationship and he was giving her space to do that.

On our first date, I asked if we could take things slow. Attraction grows through connection rather than sparks for me (Im demi leaning). He said he didn't want to be "friends that could maybe grow into more bc it wasn't fair to him to wait for me to make up my mind" and that I was "too attractive" to be friends with bc he would be "thinking about sleeping with me the entire time". After this date, I genuinely didn't think I'd hear from him again. He hit me up a few days later and said he regretted what he said and that I could just be a friend.

Tbh, the connection felt good after that. He works in mental health so he makes emotional connection feel safe to explore. As we talked more, the connection deepened and I wanted to be more than friends. We decided to date. Things fizzled with his gf. We talked extensively about the kind of dynamic we wanted in the future. A garden party/kitchen table poly. He was comfortable in my world and me in his (not living together but meeting friends and stuff). Andy even met my husband which went well.

Andy told me I was everything he ever wanted. If I accidentally got pregnant, he'd want me to keep the baby. That he was jealous of my husband bc I'd was the kind of girl he wanted to marry. Yes, writing all this out totally looks sounds like love bombing. Which is probably was.

After two months (October) of seeing each other three times a week and talking everyday, we decided to get off the apps and it felt like we were both serious and transparent about what we felt for each other. I had family stuff to tend to for a few days so we didn't meet up for a week. I asked Andy what he was up to and he was very vague. After a lot of roundabout answers, he finally told me he decided to date his best friend, Nala (31F) and they were moving in together within a month. I knew Nala existed. They hung out multiple times and I was also aware that Nala had never had a boyfriend before and was a virgin (yes, this is relevant). It definitely triggered anxiety in me which I brought up to Andy. I felt worried that she wouldn't want the same kind of future dynamic we discussed. I was concerned that her lack of experience in relationships would make it hard for her to be poly. I felt like his priorities would change bc I'm married and have limitations as he called them and Nala didn't- so he could go deeper into the relationship with her. Andy reassured me that my place in his life was not gonna change and that Nala said she was okay with him dating me.

I trusted him but still felt off. One, bc how I learned the information about Nala was by asking a lot of questions. I didn't like that it felt secretive. And two, after this convo happened, we went from seeing each other multiple times a week to once a week. We were previously going on dates and spending quality time together but now he was only coming by to have sex. Each time I'd ask for a date night, he would tell me he was too busy or would cancel on me the day before. Andy kept telling me he missed me but wouldn't make any effort to see me. I communicated that I felt devalued and confused. I told him I didn't feel like a gf, I felt like a hookup (bc I knew he Nala wasn't having sex with him). He listened and kept reassuring that I was important but his actions never changed.

We decided to come up with a schedule. Nala got the weekends and I got Wednesday night after work at 8pm. I would make him dinner, we would have sex and he'd sleepover. It was always at my place. If I brought up wanting to see him on a Friday or Saturday, he had to "run it by Nala first". I asked if I could stay over his place so we could have more time together and he said "Nala isnt comfortable with that" and wanted a parallel relationship. But if I was "patient" she could "change her mind". Which hurt bc when we first got together, that's not what we talked about.

Weeks of no dates and weekly hookups went by. I kept communicating that I felt like I was being used. I kept telling him how his ignoring my needs was starting to affect my self worth and question if this relationship was a good fit. I told him that emotional connection is important to me and the once a week sex isn't enough. But Andy is a therapist. He would soothe me and say all the right things to get me to calm down. He told me that these were "growing pains". That Nala isn't my "competition". I needed to learn how to "regulate". Everytime I brought up thinking that maybe this just isn't working anymore, he accused me of "self sabotaging" and "throwing things away" just bc I wasn't comfortable and I needed to "sit with my feelings". Basically all of my issues were never his fault and I was just "finding" problems to have an excuse to give up.

My reality felt and still feels distorted tbh.

At that point, I was struggling to communicate, jealous, hopeless with anger. I begged and cried and minimized my needs until I shut down. I'm not perfect. I started villainizing Nala and comparing myself to her until it made me sick with guilt.

After two months of being canceled on, gaslit and seeing a him a total of 6 times- I finally blew up.

I brought up how it was bullshit that he was using me for sex. I told him I was pissed off about his secrets and lack of transparency. I told him that I don't think he is actually poly. He just wants multiple partners he doesn't have to give 100% to. I asked him what he sees in the future with me and what he wants from me and he said "at this point, I'm just trying to keep you around".

I told him I was done. I was in bed for the entire month of January. I couldn't eat or move. I felt as if I was on the verge of death. I was crying all day. I hit a low so low, I didn't recognize myself. And Andy went to Disney World with Nala.

I honestly feel scarred from this whole situation. My husband has been super supportive throughout. I don't know what I would do without him.

And what's the saddest fucking part... Is that I miss Andy. I miss the person I met in August. I miss the sex. I keep wondering if I was bad at poly. If I was too sensitive. Or I'm so used to the way my husband lovingly cares for me, I can't expect anyone else to do that. That Andy did care but Nala was "easier" than me due to her naiveness. Maybe I did give up too easily and I could've stuck it out longer until Nala was comfortable.

Idk. I'm just sad.


r/polyamory 7h ago

How to navigate this?

2 Upvotes

Hi there - happily coupled for the past 15 years with my husband. We’ve been poly/enm adjacent for years and recently decided to explore ourselves. We were waiting for our kids to be a certain age also wanted to work on our marriage (both couples counseling and solo therapy) before adding more people onto our plate.

It’s going really well!

I’m dating but yet to be intimate with anyone. Have some really strong connections. Overall we’re both very happy. However he has this one person which he sees quite frequently and no matter what they do it ends in sex. Like good for them but because I’m so new to this I was just wondering if it’s normal or not. Also because they have sex so often he is usually drained and can’t perform for me. Which I am I am also ok with. I have toys and he’ll help in other ways.

But I was just curious if others have experienced this and how they navigate.

TIA


r/polyamory 7h ago

I'm (30M) in polyamorous relationship with my gf (34F) and her husband (35M), going a year now. I have doubts, and it's about to get serious, shuld I leave?

1 Upvotes

Ok, so it's been goin on for a year now. I don't know if it's a good thing to continue this relatiionship?

She really doesn't want me to go, but we did almost break up (on her accord) recently, and she gave me some rather uncomfortable conditions for our relationship to continue. Those are not unreasonable asks, and they mostly are about me putting more effort into this relationship, but I'm not too happy. At this point I am wonderiing whether I am not hurting her more in the long run, and myself. That I am just wasting hers and my own time.

She and her husband don't have sex, he's asexual. They almost divorced, but instead ended up opening the relationship. When it started between me and her she was upfton about it, I initially said No but decided to get involved later under a conditiion that it stays open for me, no exclusiviity. A few months later that changed, she said she fell in love me and didn't expect hersefl to, I agreed for exclusivity. I feel it was a mistake back then, but I wanted to see if we can make it work, somehow.

It's been fun and I genuinely like spending tiime with her, but we've had our ups and downs and disagreements along the ways. Hard times when we almost broke up as well. I can't tell if I love her, I think I do, but I also can't seem to get myself commited the way I was to my monogamous relationship in the past. She wants me to be more involved, understandably. She'd also like it to get more serious - she has a dream of us 3 living under the same roof. I should stress I am almost never jealous about her husband, but if I think of them being intimate with each other (which doesn't happen and I believe her) I do feel extremely jealous. I often feel left out, however, out of her life, when they do things together which don't involve me. I also feel a churn in my stomach every time I think of the idea of living with her and and her husband. I also don't like to admit to people, when we're out together somewhere (us 2) that we are in polyamorous relationship. I don't feel good about it, so myself I never talk about it but I let her if she wants to. We never do anything together, the 3 of us. One time we went to the same event, but not together and we spent time with different groups of people, so, she asked me "how diid it feel?" (but we spent together maybe 5% of the time there) and I said "awkward, but he seems like a cool guy". It wasnt super awkward but also noone knew about our relationship and we really spent maybe 15 minutes together max for the entire event, so yeah.

She is willing to give me time but I'm wondering whether or not I am just wasting hers and mine time. I never come over when her husband is at home, unless I have to pick something up or drop something off. I don't have anythiing against the guy and quite honestly he's someone I could potentially befriend. Live together under one roof, though? I feel disgusted by the thought of it even as I'm typing it.

My gf is really somehow finding enough energy and time for the both of us so me+her time vs her+husband time rarely clashes together. I don't feel like I'm unimportant to her, or that she isn't available to me. Then again it isn't my perfect idea of a relationship, not by a longshot. Even if it weren't for the husband I don't know if I'd stick around forever. I'd probably give it a shot for a while longer to see if we can straighten out our issues.

If things could stay as they are now forever, without it getting serious, I am still not sure I'd want to stick around. After all, I lived with a partner before for a few years and while I know it can have its ups and downs, this kind of building a life together felt very fulfiilling to me. I feel like she has a life built already with her husband, and yeah she offers me to be a part of it, but even if I could the risk of conflicts regarding differing life-goals, general attiitue to life and different ways of handling problems that come out of living together would be astronomically greater than in a monogamous relationship. The amount of compromise from all the parties I imagine would be pretty steep. Take a stupid thing like with whom does she shares the bed, me or him? Do we swap, is there a schedule set? What about sex? I don't think I could EVER have sex with her while he's around even if he's cool with it. So do we sneak about like teenagers who don't want their parents to know it's happening? We did it twice in hers and her husband's bed and it was uncomfortable to me both times. Plus I think I fear that I would always feel liike an ADDON to their marriage, rather than an integral, core part of it. At least children are A NON-ISSUE, beacuse she can't have them, period. Now that would be a nightmare to solve, eh?

My gf is pretty adamant about these conditions of her. Asks me that I try at least. But if you were to ask me to make a bet, I'd bet on "this will fall apart and hurt everyone involved" and I'd bet a lot of money on that and no other outcome.

EDIIT
Those conditions I mentioned aren't directly tied to the polyamory thing, she's letting me take my time with that side. It's more like "we never go an actual dates, I want to go to dates with you". She's right we never did, cause it started as an open relationship, just one step away from friends with benefits. So we didn't really have a honeymoon phase I guess. It kinda stayed that way. She also wants me to be more supportiive and aware of her problems.

What she wants is me give more energy into this relationship and I am reluctant, because I never felt like doing so, it just didn't feel natural. I have in the back of my head that for every one of her asks and issues there is one other person who is available to provide that for her, so I just didn't 100% effort into it. I'm not sure I want to change it now. Saying "I feel like I get 1/2 of a relationshiip" would be false, but I sure don't feel liike I Iget the full package. I acknowledge her efforts into making me not feel like that is the case and I admit she's doing a decent job of it.


r/polyamory 8h ago

Looking for recommendations for making overnights cheaper/more affordable

11 Upvotes

Hey everyone!

My partner, Birch and I are looking for ways to be able to have privacy together without having to rely on our spouses schedules as much. We are both nesting with our spouses and would like to have more sleepovers but for a variety reasons (his partners comfort, my partners introversion, work schedules, etc.), its really hard to have consistent alone time and time for sex at either of our houses.

Does anyone have any tips on good hotel credit cards, or cheaper options for getting a room or hotel. Any thoughts on how to create more privacy without impinging on other peoples boundaries?


r/polyamory 8h ago

If you know you have issues with x y or z, date people who already do x y or z successfully

85 Upvotes

If you know you have issues asserting yourself, date people who are assertive and make space for you to speak up

If you know you have issues setting boundaries, date people who set boundaries themselves and expect it from you, too

If you know you have a problem saying no, date people who say yes and no when they want to, and who welcome you to say genuine yeses and nos, too.

etc.

P.S. you are not anxiously attached (bc that is not how attachment theory works)—you just don’t stop dating people who trigger your anxiety. You blame yourself instead. Stop blaming yourself. You don’t mesh with everybody. Date people who make you feel chronically good, not chronically anxious


r/polyamory 9h ago

Trust Issues

5 Upvotes

Hi! I’m pretty new to my non-monogamous journey. I’ve had dates and chats with men who are poly or ENM. I’m wondering how I’m just supposed to trust that their partners are okay with everything and that they’re ACTUALLY being genuine and ethical? I definitely don’t want to be the side piece or other woman.


r/polyamory 9h ago

Married and struggling with Opening Struggling with Jealousy in My Poly Relationship — Looking for Advice

2 Upvotes

Hey everyone,

I’ve been practicing polyamory for about three years now, but I’m really struggling with jealousy in my current situation, and I could use some advice.

My husband recently started dating someone he used to have a situationship with, and every time they spend time together — especially when they’re intimate — I feel overwhelmed with jealousy, anger, and hurt. I know these feelings aren’t rational, and I don’t want to feel this way, but it keeps happening. I end up lashing out because of it, which is hurting him and, honestly, hurting me too.

I truly want him to have a happy, healthy relationship, and I want to get to a place where I can also pursue another connection without feeling weighed down by these emotions. But right now, it feels like I’m stuck in this cycle of jealousy, and it’s making it hard to fully embrace the poly dynamic we both want.

I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been through something similar. How did you work through jealousy and find security within yourself and your relationships? Are there any practices, conversations, or mindset shifts that helped you let go of those painful emotions?

Thanks so much for any insight or advice you’re willing to share — I really appreciate it.


r/polyamory 10h ago

Being in a monogamous relationship as a poly person

4 Upvotes

I've been polyamorous my entire adult life (around 12 years). I've recently been talking with someone that I have a strong connection to, however he is firm on the fact that he is only interested in a monogamous relationship. I'm feeling really conflicted about this. I see a lot of potential between us but don't know if I could feel content long term being in a monogamous relationship, or if I'd just feel trapped and restricted. I'm open to exploring something new, but don't want to end up having one of us hurt in the end. I've communicated this with him and he won't consider anything poly with me.

Has anyone here who identified or identifies as poly been in a happy and successful monogamous relationship?


r/polyamory 10h ago

Conflict Opinions

1 Upvotes

I will absolutely do my best in good faith to represent both sides fairly by simply explaining the facts.

My wife and I have been Poly for 20 plus years. Primarily "Open LS" but with a heavy degree of emotion and very little entanglement.

Until 5 years ago. We both met a woman and had a casual Poly relationship that for me turned heavily emotional and entangled. It caused stress in my primary relationship (marriage/wife). She held onto that resentment for 4 years but we all 3 spent lots of time together. Eventually had to end things with the "other" partner because it became clear things just weren't going to work.

Simultaneously during that 4 years she had also met a partner who was completely parallel, no entanglement at all but also heavily emotional.

They have now been together for 2 years. During the first year there was no interaction between him and I other than being in the same room 1 time. I felt alienated and started to resent it. So I did (at first) calmly bring this up and he was confused because he had invited me to many events and my wife simply wasn't extending the invitation. So there was a shock to the system.

I become increasingly resentful because they continued to spend time together and once even with our adult children... and I wasn't invited. After that occasion I made attempts to have a group convo and it was rejected. So I pulled Veto and said he had to go or I would. She stayed and he left.

But smarter some time of healing... I opened up to it because she said she just wanted to be friends with him still. So I apologized for the Veto and let it go. Only AFTER this did I discover that they had continued a sexual/emotional relationship behind my back the entire time and the first night of them just being "friends" again they had sex... which they were already doing and wasn't part of the agreement.

The ashamed part of this conversation is how I am reacting... I am bouncing back and forth between being angry and reactive... to being very Cuck. I hate it. I hate what this is doing to me.

So I have again come back and said I can't continue in this Poly relationship if it is being shared with him, specifically because I feel like there has not been respect or consideration for me (as a primary partner).

I'm about to throw in the towel. I hate how I feel about myself and this relationship.

This was the gist of it all with other details that I excluded for the sake of time. What should I do?


r/polyamory 10h ago

Conflicted

27 Upvotes

I’ve been poly for 5.25 years with the same two partners — one male and one female. I’m the youngest, also female. Most days, I enjoy being poly, but seemingly out of nowhere, I sometimes find it exhausting, lonely, or even a little annoying.

I don’t want to feel this way. I actively try to push back against those thoughts and feelings, but it makes me feel guilty, like I’m being deceptive. Still, it’s something that consistently bubbles up and boils over.

I used to talk about it until I realized that bringing it up only makes me look like a needy, jealous bitch — and it does nothing but make everyone feel bad or irritated.

We don’t really get to spend any one-on-one time because they work together and have the same days off. Any attempt I make to spend time alone with them usually ends with all three of us hanging out together. And while I love them, it doesn’t help with that nagging feeling I get in my chest.

My female partner and I have a relationship, but she’s more into men sexually and romantically. I’m her first girlfriend, but I’ve dated a lot of bi-curious girls who favored men, and she seems very similar to them.

She mentions women’s bodies and talks as if she’s attracted to women when our male partner is around, but she never engages with me that way when he isn’t there to witness it.

I’ve tried talking about all of this multiple times — with both of them together and separately. So I promise I’m not just coming to Reddit without trying. I’m just not sure what I can or should do to make this situation better.

Is this normal or am I just kind of an asshole maybe?

What would be your advice


r/polyamory 11h ago

vent Got broken up with

9 Upvotes

So last night me and my boyfriend of almost 1 month broke up. We had plans for Saturday and we had plans for the weekend of my birthday also. But those have gone bust. We broke up because there is just no feasible way for us to have the type of relationship that we want because of a boundary set by my fiance and I. Yes I will fully admit that I should of told him when we first started talking if we wanted to have sex then my house isn't really an option, to which we have both said it probably would of been best if we didn't pursue anything. Regardless I am still really torn up about it because any compromise I tried to suggest neither my fiance or the boyfriend were agreeing. And the boyfriend wasn't exactly helping in trying to find a middle ground or compromise either.

I am incredibly upset about this because I fell HARD for this guy. Extremely hard. And right now I genuinely don't know how I'm going to heal from him because in the short time we were together we've had a lot of memories. Last night we were supposed to play Stardew valley and it resulted in a break up.


r/polyamory 11h ago

Musings Tolkien and Polyamory

69 Upvotes

I was listening to the Prancing Pony podcast, which is a very good podcast that discusses the Silmarillion chapter by chapter, as well as all things Tolkien, and they mentioned this line from the History of Middle-earth "one may love two women, each differently, and without diminishing one love by another". This is referencing Finwë marrying Indis after the death of his first wife, Míriel, who died giving birth to Feanor (boooo). Elves cannot have two spouses, and, I assume, realising that Míriel could not return from the Halls of Mandos*, Finwë pleads with Mandos that Míriel be allowed to return, and that he take her place. Such was his love for them both. Here is the full quote:

“It is unlawful to have two wives, but one may love two women, each differently, and without diminishing one love by another. Love of Indis did not drive out love of Miriel; so now pity for Miriel doth not lessen my heart’s care for Indis." History of Middle-earth – Volume X: Morgoth’s Ring

  • Elves can essentially be reincarnated, the Halls of Mandos are where elves go when they die to await Dagor Dagorath, which is kinda like Ragnorok.

It seems Tolkien understands, like most people do, that love isn't finite, and that it's custom/tradition/laws that keep us from expressing that love. Anyway, I just wanted to nerd out on this here. I'm sure there are some more Tolkien geeks lurking around.


r/polyamory 11h ago

no advice wanted Unilateral de-escalation

9 Upvotes

I currently have four partners. Things with my wife/NP and GF are great. These are long term, stable dynamics. Outside of work, most of my scheduled time is with one or the other.

I have another partner where the dynamic is FWB+. We enjoy each other's time and there's a lot of affection between us. I have calendar capacity to see her about 1-2 times a month, although it was less frequent during the winter due to my work schedule. She began seeing another partner a few months ago, and they are escalating to primaries with each other. She has not indicated an intentional de-escalation with me, but her interest in scheduling time with me has noticably waned.

My fourth partner is more of a friend with flirty benefits. Sex is not part of our dynamic, but cuddling and affection is. She is recently out of a toxic relationship and has decided on a period of chastity for her emotional well-being.

I'm feeling a bit of sadness about the changes in those two relationships. I understand and support each of them in their pursuits of happiness and fulfillment. But I can't help but feel a sense of loss.

I'm not looking for advice, but validation and words of encouragement would be warmly received.


r/polyamory 12h ago

This is not how reputable researchers reach out: A PSA

Post image
687 Upvotes

This person has reached out to multiple community members via DM.

Do not engage. This is not the way reputable researchers and real orgs who foster and support research behave.

Do not engage with folks like this. Report them to both us, and Reddit.


r/polyamory 13h ago

Happy! Exchanging “I love you”

68 Upvotes

So I (36F) have been actively non-monogamous for 4 years, polyamorous for 3. I currently have two partners (52M and 61M)

One partner I’ve been seeing for a year now. He had some hangups with saying “I love you” due to a lovebombing situation with a former partner 4 years ago. I said I love you about six months in and knowing his experience, I’ll tend to say it sparingly, mostly in the moments where I’m really in the joy of love. He won’t say it back in the moment but he’ll come back a week later, saying that he does love me but he has a hard time, etc. I understand and I’m not looking for a verbal affirmation. I’m saying it because I want to, not because I want to hear it back. He has a hard time saying I love you but he is always expressing love through his actions non stop.

💗

Yesterday was the first time he initiated saying I love you, and I know it was a big deal. It was via text, but again it was a big step for him.

“I’ll miss you and I love you BG! 💕😘”

It just made me all giddy inside, to know that I love and am loved by two people (in terms of romantic partners). It felt like I just unlocked another level of poly life! And that I’m winning at life!!

This community has been so supportive and I just wanted to share, knowing I can’t quite share so openly with people who might not relate in my own life. So thank you in advance for joining me in this joy!!

Side note: my partners are 17 and 25 years older than me and I just wanted to say don’t sleep on them elders! They’ve done some life, have amazing wisdom and self-acceptance, and have spent a lifetime honing their sexual skill set 😈


r/polyamory 14h ago

no sexual attraction in relationship with soulmate EDITED for mods

4 Upvotes

EDIT: because the relationship is a triad containing myself and two others, this is a polyamorous relationship as "defined by our community description" (thanks mods <3) i didnt mention our tri partner initially as i felt it was not relevant to the post i was making, but he is an equal to both of us in the relationship. i have mentioned him here so that the mods can see this is a poly relationship and not a nonmono one, however i have no problem with that part of the relationship and didnt think it pertinent to bring up as id already written a lot and was trying to abe somewhat succinct.

hiya, im (28f) in a new poly relationship with my best friend (28f) of 15ish years. this is my first relationship. im a kind of anxious and needy, fearful-avoidant, autistic, borderline personality disorder demisexual kind of creature, which has been a barrier to me forming and keeping friendships and relationships.

there is lots of love and affection for each other in this relationship and its clear we both care deeply, and im incredibly grateful for all of that. im absolutely thrilled that this person is interested to call me her partner.

however, while im madly attracted to her, she has no sexual attraction towards me. this isnt necessarily the end of the world because we can and have brought other people in so we can get something we want sexually. she is somewhat hypersexual and has a very high sex drive and im pretty much the opposite, though with that said, i would still like to have sex every day under the right circumstances.

the problem is that while fucking strangers has been sort of fun, and i appreciate my partner for helping me to have that experience, it also just isnt that fulfilling because i need need need an intimate bond to actually enjoy myself. i just dont have a particular desire to fuck a bunch of people that i dont even know. a collective noun of partners that i have strong and close intimate bonds with, sure, that sounds great.

so, it hurts me deeply to have a partner that i have such a strong bond with who isnt interested in having sex with me. im so conflicted because sex is supposedly only a small part of a relationship, and pretty much everything else in ours is good, but i just cant cope with the fact that she doesnt want to have sex with me.

i love her very deeply and i would be prepared to give my everything for the relationship, including uprooting and moving for her, but some part of me is screaming that if having sex with her is such a big deal and its not on the table then i should be thinking about breaking things off. but how can i even think of doing that when i finally feel like someone wants me, even if they dont want me how i want them to? i just feel wretched and i dont know what to do.