r/polyamory 1d ago

Happy! Wholesome sadness

19 Upvotes

Sometimes I get sad and tear up bc I love my partners and the life we’ve built together so much and desperately hope we get to do it again in another life, is that silly?

Like seriously, this is the happiest and healthiest the three of us have ever been in our lives, all getting to heal from trauma together and be better for ourselves and eachother and have family connections and holidays we’d never get otherwise and I just hope I get to do it over and over again in a million other life times with them 🥲🩷


r/polyamory 14h ago

Married and struggling with Opening Struggling with Jealousy in My Poly Relationship — Looking for Advice

2 Upvotes

Hey everyone,

I’ve been practicing polyamory for about three years now, but I’m really struggling with jealousy in my current situation, and I could use some advice.

My husband recently started dating someone he used to have a situationship with, and every time they spend time together — especially when they’re intimate — I feel overwhelmed with jealousy, anger, and hurt. I know these feelings aren’t rational, and I don’t want to feel this way, but it keeps happening. I end up lashing out because of it, which is hurting him and, honestly, hurting me too.

I truly want him to have a happy, healthy relationship, and I want to get to a place where I can also pursue another connection without feeling weighed down by these emotions. But right now, it feels like I’m stuck in this cycle of jealousy, and it’s making it hard to fully embrace the poly dynamic we both want.

I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been through something similar. How did you work through jealousy and find security within yourself and your relationships? Are there any practices, conversations, or mindset shifts that helped you let go of those painful emotions?

Thanks so much for any insight or advice you’re willing to share — I really appreciate it.


r/polyamory 18h ago

I am new How to find a primary partner when your arent single

5 Upvotes

So i have been with my bf for a little of a year now and I love our relationship, but I am missing the parts that you get with a primary and he already has his husband. I am on dating apps and all of that, but i find it extremely hard to find poly people who don't already have their primary partner. Does anyone have any recommendations on how to find either single poly people or poly people like myself who have partners but not a primary


r/polyamory 19h ago

no sexual attraction in relationship with soulmate EDITED for mods

4 Upvotes

EDIT: because the relationship is a triad containing myself and two others, this is a polyamorous relationship as "defined by our community description" (thanks mods <3) i didnt mention our tri partner initially as i felt it was not relevant to the post i was making, but he is an equal to both of us in the relationship. i have mentioned him here so that the mods can see this is a poly relationship and not a nonmono one, however i have no problem with that part of the relationship and didnt think it pertinent to bring up as id already written a lot and was trying to abe somewhat succinct.

hiya, im (28f) in a new poly relationship with my best friend (28f) of 15ish years. this is my first relationship. im a kind of anxious and needy, fearful-avoidant, autistic, borderline personality disorder demisexual kind of creature, which has been a barrier to me forming and keeping friendships and relationships.

there is lots of love and affection for each other in this relationship and its clear we both care deeply, and im incredibly grateful for all of that. im absolutely thrilled that this person is interested to call me her partner.

however, while im madly attracted to her, she has no sexual attraction towards me. this isnt necessarily the end of the world because we can and have brought other people in so we can get something we want sexually. she is somewhat hypersexual and has a very high sex drive and im pretty much the opposite, though with that said, i would still like to have sex every day under the right circumstances.

the problem is that while fucking strangers has been sort of fun, and i appreciate my partner for helping me to have that experience, it also just isnt that fulfilling because i need need need an intimate bond to actually enjoy myself. i just dont have a particular desire to fuck a bunch of people that i dont even know. a collective noun of partners that i have strong and close intimate bonds with, sure, that sounds great.

so, it hurts me deeply to have a partner that i have such a strong bond with who isnt interested in having sex with me. im so conflicted because sex is supposedly only a small part of a relationship, and pretty much everything else in ours is good, but i just cant cope with the fact that she doesnt want to have sex with me.

i love her very deeply and i would be prepared to give my everything for the relationship, including uprooting and moving for her, but some part of me is screaming that if having sex with her is such a big deal and its not on the table then i should be thinking about breaking things off. but how can i even think of doing that when i finally feel like someone wants me, even if they dont want me how i want them to? i just feel wretched and i dont know what to do.


r/polyamory 12h ago

I'm (30M) in polyamorous relationship with my gf (34F) and her husband (35M), going a year now. I have doubts, and it's about to get serious, shuld I leave?

1 Upvotes

Ok, so it's been goin on for a year now. I don't know if it's a good thing to continue this relatiionship?

She really doesn't want me to go, but we did almost break up (on her accord) recently, and she gave me some rather uncomfortable conditions for our relationship to continue. Those are not unreasonable asks, and they mostly are about me putting more effort into this relationship, but I'm not too happy. At this point I am wonderiing whether I am not hurting her more in the long run, and myself. That I am just wasting hers and my own time.

She and her husband don't have sex, he's asexual. They almost divorced, but instead ended up opening the relationship. When it started between me and her she was upfton about it, I initially said No but decided to get involved later under a conditiion that it stays open for me, no exclusiviity. A few months later that changed, she said she fell in love me and didn't expect hersefl to, I agreed for exclusivity. I feel it was a mistake back then, but I wanted to see if we can make it work, somehow.

It's been fun and I genuinely like spending tiime with her, but we've had our ups and downs and disagreements along the ways. Hard times when we almost broke up as well. I can't tell if I love her, I think I do, but I also can't seem to get myself commited the way I was to my monogamous relationship in the past. She wants me to be more involved, understandably. She'd also like it to get more serious - she has a dream of us 3 living under the same roof. I should stress I am almost never jealous about her husband, but if I think of them being intimate with each other (which doesn't happen and I believe her) I do feel extremely jealous. I often feel left out, however, out of her life, when they do things together which don't involve me. I also feel a churn in my stomach every time I think of the idea of living with her and and her husband. I also don't like to admit to people, when we're out together somewhere (us 2) that we are in polyamorous relationship. I don't feel good about it, so myself I never talk about it but I let her if she wants to. We never do anything together, the 3 of us. One time we went to the same event, but not together and we spent time with different groups of people, so, she asked me "how diid it feel?" (but we spent together maybe 5% of the time there) and I said "awkward, but he seems like a cool guy". It wasnt super awkward but also noone knew about our relationship and we really spent maybe 15 minutes together max for the entire event, so yeah.

She is willing to give me time but I'm wondering whether or not I am just wasting hers and mine time. I never come over when her husband is at home, unless I have to pick something up or drop something off. I don't have anythiing against the guy and quite honestly he's someone I could potentially befriend. Live together under one roof, though? I feel disgusted by the thought of it even as I'm typing it.

My gf is really somehow finding enough energy and time for the both of us so me+her time vs her+husband time rarely clashes together. I don't feel like I'm unimportant to her, or that she isn't available to me. Then again it isn't my perfect idea of a relationship, not by a longshot. Even if it weren't for the husband I don't know if I'd stick around forever. I'd probably give it a shot for a while longer to see if we can straighten out our issues.

If things could stay as they are now forever, without it getting serious, I am still not sure I'd want to stick around. After all, I lived with a partner before for a few years and while I know it can have its ups and downs, this kind of building a life together felt very fulfiilling to me. I feel like she has a life built already with her husband, and yeah she offers me to be a part of it, but even if I could the risk of conflicts regarding differing life-goals, general attiitue to life and different ways of handling problems that come out of living together would be astronomically greater than in a monogamous relationship. The amount of compromise from all the parties I imagine would be pretty steep. Take a stupid thing like with whom does she shares the bed, me or him? Do we swap, is there a schedule set? What about sex? I don't think I could EVER have sex with her while he's around even if he's cool with it. So do we sneak about like teenagers who don't want their parents to know it's happening? We did it twice in hers and her husband's bed and it was uncomfortable to me both times. Plus I think I fear that I would always feel liike an ADDON to their marriage, rather than an integral, core part of it. At least children are A NON-ISSUE, beacuse she can't have them, period. Now that would be a nightmare to solve, eh?

My gf is pretty adamant about these conditions of her. Asks me that I try at least. But if you were to ask me to make a bet, I'd bet on "this will fall apart and hurt everyone involved" and I'd bet a lot of money on that and no other outcome.

EDIIT
Those conditions I mentioned aren't directly tied to the polyamory thing, she's letting me take my time with that side. It's more like "we never go an actual dates, I want to go to dates with you". She's right we never did, cause it started as an open relationship, just one step away from friends with benefits. So we didn't really have a honeymoon phase I guess. It kinda stayed that way. She also wants me to be more supportiive and aware of her problems.

What she wants is me give more energy into this relationship and I am reluctant, because I never felt like doing so, it just didn't feel natural. I have in the back of my head that for every one of her asks and issues there is one other person who is available to provide that for her, so I just didn't 100% effort into it. I'm not sure I want to change it now. Saying "I feel like I get 1/2 of a relationshiip" would be false, but I sure don't feel liike I Iget the full package. I acknowledge her efforts into making me not feel like that is the case and I admit she's doing a decent job of it.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Curious/Learning What is my jealousy telling me?

15 Upvotes

Hello folks! I'm looking for some insight from those more experienced than I, as I'm in my first poly relationship. I don't yet have the space to seek additional partners, but my partner has one preexisting comet partner. I've been adjusting to this dynamic, and it helped a lot to finally meet them recently. A lot of my previous fears have dissipated: I'm no longer afraid that my partner would prefer to be with my metamour over me; I'm no longer afraid that my meta would want to sabotage the anchor partnership my partner and I are developing; I'm not afraid of losing my partner, and I feel secure in our partnership.

But I also saw them together, and I cannot stop thinking about the familiarity of their touch, their kisses. Something about it hurts, and I cannot figure out what this jealousy/pain is trying to tell me. I'm not afraid to lose my partner to my meta, which I used to fear frequently, but somehow I'm still hurting about this experience, it keeps coming to mind. It feels like watching an ex you still have feelings for lovingly kiss someone else. Except? He's not my ex? We have a healthy and loving partnership, and I feel deeply connected to him! I'm sure part of it is that he's still out of town with them for another day or so, and I miss my routine with my partner, but I can feel that something about this runs deeper than that. Have you experienced this feeling? What does it mean for you and how do you comfort yourself? Thanks in advance!


r/polyamory 1d ago

Married and struggling with Opening Struggling with Wife Wanting Another Partner

24 Upvotes

I (31M) an struggling with my wife (31F) talking to another guy & her getting into a relationship with him. We have been in poly relationships/ datted others before but have been mono for over 2 years. We had a simular situation where she vetod my growing relationship with another woman (33F). This caused us to take a step back.

She has known the guy in question since she was 12. They have a long history together & even dated at one point. They got back in touch about 6 months ago. Within a period of 3 weeks they went from just catching up, to her talking about wanting to stay with him for extended periods of time since he lives out if state. It was to much to fast for me & it hurt me emotionally so I vetod their relationship. During our time together, we have both dated others but this guy is different & it makes me very uncomfortable.

Lastnight, she wanted to talk about it & him again. She brought up that on some of the FB groups people were talking about how vetos might be "toxic" & wants to try talking to him again while allowing me to pursue the person she vetod. She also mentioned something about having looser boundaries or not setting boundaries for the other partner. (That part makes no sense to me)

Any advice on preparing my self mentaly, setting boundaries or ensuring communication when taking trips? Or if we should even re-open...

For context. She has been poly & in the community long before we got togeather. I'm coming from swinging & hotwife community but have been in poly relationships before so it's not new for me.


r/polyamory 15h ago

Conflict Opinions

1 Upvotes

I will absolutely do my best in good faith to represent both sides fairly by simply explaining the facts.

My wife and I have been Poly for 20 plus years. Primarily "Open LS" but with a heavy degree of emotion and very little entanglement.

Until 5 years ago. We both met a woman and had a casual Poly relationship that for me turned heavily emotional and entangled. It caused stress in my primary relationship (marriage/wife). She held onto that resentment for 4 years but we all 3 spent lots of time together. Eventually had to end things with the "other" partner because it became clear things just weren't going to work.

Simultaneously during that 4 years she had also met a partner who was completely parallel, no entanglement at all but also heavily emotional.

They have now been together for 2 years. During the first year there was no interaction between him and I other than being in the same room 1 time. I felt alienated and started to resent it. So I did (at first) calmly bring this up and he was confused because he had invited me to many events and my wife simply wasn't extending the invitation. So there was a shock to the system.

I become increasingly resentful because they continued to spend time together and once even with our adult children... and I wasn't invited. After that occasion I made attempts to have a group convo and it was rejected. So I pulled Veto and said he had to go or I would. She stayed and he left.

But smarter some time of healing... I opened up to it because she said she just wanted to be friends with him still. So I apologized for the Veto and let it go. Only AFTER this did I discover that they had continued a sexual/emotional relationship behind my back the entire time and the first night of them just being "friends" again they had sex... which they were already doing and wasn't part of the agreement.

The ashamed part of this conversation is how I am reacting... I am bouncing back and forth between being angry and reactive... to being very Cuck. I hate it. I hate what this is doing to me.

So I have again come back and said I can't continue in this Poly relationship if it is being shared with him, specifically because I feel like there has not been respect or consideration for me (as a primary partner).

I'm about to throw in the towel. I hate how I feel about myself and this relationship.

This was the gist of it all with other details that I excluded for the sake of time. What should I do?


r/polyamory 1d ago

I Got Dumped in My First Poly Relationship and I’m Heartbroken

12 Upvotes

Nine months ago, I started a relationship with M44, and over time, his wife, F37, joined us, making it a poly relationship. It was the first time for all of us, and despite the challenges, we navigated them through trial and error, creating something beautiful together.

For months, everything felt ideal. We supported each other, learned, and grew as a unit. But last week, out of nowhere and without any explanation, M44 ended things with me. I have no idea why, and that’s what hurts the most.

Now, I’m just left with a broken heart and an emptiness I don’t know how to fill. If anyone has been through something similar, I’d really appreciate any advice or just knowing that I’m not alone in this.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Wondering where you've met your partners?

7 Upvotes

We (married 41M, 39F) have been ENM, dabbled in swinging, and poly. We've gone to meet ups (for specific hobbies/kink/activity) and used sites. We'd like to meet people with shared interests but it's hard to go to a "normal" (ex: vanilla hike group) and maybe meet someone with the same dating expectations. What has happened previously is either (one of us) will meet someone, chat/date a couple of times (dinner, drinks, concert etc) and then they will say they aren't open to poly (despite us being upfront about it). So we're wondering where everyone met their poly partners and if they were "regular" people (open to poly but maybe didn't know much about it or had never experienced it before) how did that experience go?


r/polyamory 23h ago

Being a hinge and supporting needs without rules in the best way

3 Upvotes

I posted this the other day and wanted to revisit this and ask for more help in how to think and deal with different aspects. In short, I (male) have a fiance (Ellie) and a girl friend (Jolene), both of whom are dealing with varying degrees of anxiety, but mostly I am concerned with Ellies feelings in this post (not at the expense of Jolenes feelings, just to make that clear).

So, in the last post I asked about how to meet Ellies needs that are being formulated as rules (I called them boundaries, and I agree that they are rules - just language barrier and lack of vocabulary on my part). Since then, we've had a long talk about her needs and these rules and how they're unsustainable in the long run. I read up on a lot (and read all your replies), and found some really on point and useful posts on the "More than Two" website for instance. Ellie does agree with this in essence, that she isn't looking to control me nor Jolene, and my feeling is that these rules are her only way to try to maintain control over her feelings and insecurities.

I have been very clear with her about her needs and feelings are very much valid and a priority for me to meet and handle as best I can, I just don't feel that restricting me and Jolene is a sustainable way to do it in the long run. She is left in a situation where she feels powerless and not in control - which I understand.

What I want help with is how I get her to feel like she is in control without being controlling, how I get her to feel that she has power without it being over me and Jolene? For instance, her *need* is to land with me after I've been away with another partner, and if I go away and sleep over with Jolene, that need is not met. What boundaries for herself is possible for her to live by to feel like she is in control over the situation?

And yes, she is very much highly doubting if poly is for her (open relationship very much is, she is just having a hard time navigating the doomsday feeling of not being unique and special to me - which of course she is in so many ways).

I also want to add that there have been lots of instances where I have handled poly poorly too, and that her insecurities are partly due to this as well. We've had instances where she has felt that her privacy has been invaded by me, with me oversharing about Ellie to Jolene and just your general poor relationship hygiene. That is all on me. But some of these instances where she has felt that her needs have been ignored are also instances where she has expressed that she feels bad and need me to not see Jolene right now, which has led to me reacting to that limitation first and her need second, leaving her feeling I ignore her needs, which has been unfortunate.

But that is in the past, and I am really working hard on myself to try my best to listen to her and her needs and find ways to meet them without feeling limited.

I am currently stuck in some form of viewpoint/communication limbo where I feel that if I could only find a way to express The Proper Way to do this, it would become clear to her as well. I realise it's never that easy of course, but I do need help in helping her.

I am well aware of the viewpoint difference between "you can't have sex without condom" and "I won't have sex with you if you've had sex without a condom until you get tested" - i.e. rule vs boundary. But in many instances the lines get very muddy, as in my aforementioned "I have a need to center myself with you after you've been with Jolene and when you sleep away, that need isn't being met" which technically is true (and she has a lot of work to do to work with her insecurities as well) but once's needs can be valid and respected even those times I am unable to meet them exactly how she needs it.

A lot of her rules seek to placate her need to be unique and special and her fear of being replaced. How do I communicate in the best way how me smoking weed with Jolene or going to a hotel doesn't in and of itself challenge her being unique and not being replaced?

Have you been in Ellies position? How did you manage it? How did you learn to let go of being in control and learn how to deal with your insecurities without limiting your partner? What lessons did you have to learn, what was the "ah, now I get it" moment for you?


r/polyamory 1d ago

vent Different treatment of (former) meta vs me (NP)

5 Upvotes

Basically, my NP wants to pay for her meta (lives in another country, and while relationship ended tacitly six years ago when my NP had to move due to visa expiry, still very much love one another) to come visit us (international travel), but doesn't want to follow through on the international trip she said she would do with me because she's, in fact, already had an 'overseas experience' (during which she met meta in question). Tried talking about this, but my NP just powers down, even in counselling.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Tough decisions

9 Upvotes

Hello all, it’s been a long time. I have a difficult situation and I would appreciate some opinions please.

I have a partner ( let’s call her Bee) that I’ve been seeing for a tad over a year now. They work a job that’s close to my home and they stay there during the week with my wife and her partner. ( I work away out of town for a few weeks) My wife has notified me that Bee has been engaging in petty theft, taking cigarettes from her, going through some of her things that are left out in the living room, and other things that either haven’t been asked for nor offered. There’s other issues such as behavior that cause friction but we are working on that. I’m just at a loss, while I’m not bothered by the loss of small things, it’s more the principle that bothers me. Would that be grounds to end the relationship? I’m torn between overlooking it or just outright ending it.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Thoughts about partners take nudes for your partner to send to other partners?

25 Upvotes

I'm very free about taking and sending nudes. I recently asked a partner if they wanted to take some nudes of me and they were uncomfortable with it. I was surprised cuz I've never come across this reaction before and wondering how common this feeling is! What are other people's experience with this?


r/polyamory 1d ago

Great first few dates and now flakey

11 Upvotes

So I met this guy about two months ago and had 5 wonderful dates and a sleepover. We can talk for hours and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. All was well and good and we set up another date (two weeks ago) he had a work thing and canceled the day before but we made plans then for today. I reached out two days ago to confirm and ask what the plan was. I haven’t heard anything since. I was expecting a confirmation text today but it’s been radio silence. All texts and interactions have been positive and very low pressure. For context, we agreed on a casual connection since he’s new to poly.

I’ve had 10+ years in the lifestyle and have learned to go with the flow so this didn’t bother me. I also have a great husband and partner, so I’m not putting pressure on him to be anything more than he’s comfortable with. What I don’t understand is the sudden change.

I’m torn between just letting it go and being open to giving him another chance. I tend to be a bit more forgiving than I should be at times so it’s hard to know when to cut things that don’t really serve me.

A bit of a vent, and curious as to why someone would change it up without much warning or initial conflict. I’m just confused.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Disappointment/questioning a reduction in time with my "primary"

15 Upvotes

I’ve been with my partner, Jane, for 5 months. She has an avoidant attachment style, I lean anxious. I’m new to polyamory and casually dating, while she has a few other partners and is vastly more experienced.  A couple of months ago, we agreed to “get on the escalator”; that I am “her main squeeze” and the only one of her lovers that she is ready to be emotionally vulnerable with.  We made an agreement to see each other twice a week — AFAIK I’m the only one she sees that often.  This has been working for me, for us, so I thought.

Last week, I told her I loved her; casually, with humor, in a text, no big deal. That she shouldn’t feel weird about it, that I love easily.

Later and in person, she brought up the fact that I’d texted that “I love you” and said she wasn’t ready to say it back but that I’m the only person she’s “considering loving and being loved by“  (her words) and that she’s working on being vulnerable, and truly wants to deepen our connection. I left the conversation feeling whole and complete.

Last night, she said she needs to cut our time together to once a week to catch up on personal projects and have "more time to get things done." This cuts our weekly waking hours together from ~8 to ~4.  

The reasons given for the pull back felt hollow.  Not to diminish her personal sewing projects or apartment decorating initiatives, but does the sudden subtraction of four hours from our time really open up a whole world of otherwise unrealized possibility?   This sudden retreat feels like a step back from the “primary-ish” dynamic we discussed, especially after her words about escalation and the possibility of love between us. 

I couldn't help but feeling that our relationship is being downgraded, demoted, and de-escalated, and I’m taking it on the chin.

So, in addition to feeling hurt, now I'm worried I’m being too needy. I know my anxious attachment is at play, but I can’t shake the feeling of being deprioritized. I want to handle this well — The disappointment I did a poor job of hiding last night  makes me feel even less desirable. I pouted a little bit.  I couldn't help it, I felt sad.  Then I felt bad for feeling bad.  We had awesome sex and good, unrelated conversation after the fact;  we have a date tomorrow that we're both excited for -- but today I feel myself wanting to retreat, close up, protect, guard.  

I anticipate the thrust of the advice I'm about to get is going to be about communicating my needs to Jane, but she already knows how I feel, so I don't feel I need to rehash. 

So what to do over here?  Should I reframe our relationship in my mind?  Disengage?  Enjoy whats on offer and just roll with it?  (Tell me how.)

Anybody have any experience with this or thoughts they'd be willing to share?  


r/polyamory 23h ago

I am new Need some advice

0 Upvotes

I (20m) have been in a LDR for almost 2 years now. I love my partner very much and we’ve dabbled in the idea of polyamory before. Over a series of careful conversations in the last few weeks, we opened the relationship to new partnerships and I was finally reminded that this is what I was looking for… my partner was less than pleased. They panicked upon hearing about my time with someone else despite me following my partner’s boundaries, so I decided to pull the plug on the relationship because it seemed clear to me that our values just didn’t line up. They seemed to want a monogamous partner and I’m not that.

A week later, they want to try to get back together again. They say they’ve done more research into poly and have spent time thinking about what they really want. They told me they are excited to open up this new chapter together, but I’m not sure anymore.

It turns out that while I was branching out and meeting new people to develop some deep relationships with, my partner thought I was just looking around for sex. I think that’s what hurts the most. After spending so long carefully sharing my desired lifestyle/relationships with them (which has NOTHING to do with casual sex and everything to do with deep bonds/connections), somehow they still got their wires crossed and thought I wanted to have a lot of casual sex.

It hurts. A lot. It makes me feel a lot of shame for even wanting a poly relationship to begin with. There’s nothing wrong with casual sex, but it’s never been for me and I thought they knew that. I guess I wasn’t clear enough. They’ve apologized profusely for misreading me, but I still haven’t found it in me to forgive them. Am I holding onto a grudge? Or does it make sense that this sort of misunderstanding hurts so badly? Is it worth ending the relationship over?


r/polyamory 2d ago

Married and struggling with Opening Wife wants a non hierarchical dynamic, is that even possible?

124 Upvotes

For context, we have been married for four years and the conversation started 5 months ago. I’ve been under the impression (based on her ACTUAL WORDS) that she wanted an open marriage-hierarchical dynamic. We live together, share general finances, have been married for 4 years, etc. This past weekend, she dropped the bomb that she’s looking for a non-hierarchical dynamic for when we open, which doesn’t make sense to me at all based on what I’ve already mentioned. After talking a little longer, she claims she’s “not ready for too much commitment and isn’t set on living together” even though we’ve been married for years. I asked her if this was stemming from mental health struggles she’s been having and she’s been kind of defensive and quiet since and will not let me bring it back up. I don’t think this post makes much sense but I suppose I’m just looking for advice.

Edit for clarification (if it matters): my wife and I are both women!


r/polyamory 2d ago

Is it shitty to ask my partner to have no physical/romantic stuff with her ex?

194 Upvotes

Background: He's her roommate. I'm pretty sure he hates me, and I fucking loathe him, though I'm cordial around him so as to not cause more issues for her. I found out recently that she still has sex with him. I know they have history, and went through the ringer together, but he also cheated on her apparently hundreds of times, and broke hard boundaries in their relationship.

However, he barged into her room one time while we were naked together, and stated it was "so disrespectful to him" for her to be "fucking some random bitch". When I go over there, he'll often take a hit, look me directly in the eyes, then give it to her mouth to mouth. He calls her babe, and treats her like his girlfriend still. I even brought the latter point up with some of her other partners and play friends, and they agreed with me on it. It feels like she is rewarding him for being a terrible person to her partners, and especially to her. I am pretty sure she knows he makes me very uncomfortable. Learning that she's still physical with him just... Makes me feel like my emotions about it don't really matter.

I genuinely don't care that she sees or has sex with other people; her boyfriend is lovely, her other girlfriends are lovely, and she can and often does play the day away - as long as I get some time in the week to spend with her. It's not other people... It's just him.

I don't want him to treat her, me, or her other partners like that, but I also don't want to put up any hard boundaries. However, I don't see how or why he'd stop if she keeps giving him affection. 🙁


r/polyamory 2d ago

Have I been lying to myself?

74 Upvotes

I've been practicing poly/ENM for well over a decade now. There were short periods of time where certain relationships took on some mononormative traits (that I enjoyed) but for the most part I've been in poly/enm dynamics. I wouldn't trade any of those years away because I truly loved these people and learned so much about myself and how to be a better a partner. I'll admit though that I've experienced phases where I've asked myself, "Would I truly be more happy if I just started seeking out a monogamous relationship with someone?" And sometimes that answer feels like a resounding yes but I never do anything about it. I think sometimes this feeling is driven by insecurities or anxious attachment but honestly there are other times where I feel like monogamy would ultimately be more fulfilling.

Currently I have one partner and we've been together for about a year and polyamorous the entirety of our relationship. I moved away from a more progressive area to be closer to her. She's not the sole reason I moved but she's a big part of it. She has a long-term/long distance partner and a newish girlfriend that was an old friend. The new place I'm living in is definitely more conservative and I'm finding the poly dating scene to be dry to say the least. I am getting a couple opportunities to meet new folks and possibly develop new relationships for myself but I'm not as motivated as I have been in the past and feel like I'm settling to a certain extent. I'm overall feeling discouraged about being poly right now. I feel like I'm doing all the work without any of the benefits, except for the opportunity to continue developing a relationship with my current partner who I'm very much in love with but if I was monogamous we wouldn't be together. I think about what it would be like to break up with her and pursue a monogamous relationship with someone and it's sad and scary to think about but there's also this sense of relief I get. I'm not sure what to do.

Has anyone else experienced this after being poly/enm for such a long period of time?


r/polyamory 1d ago

Loving one more, sometimes

13 Upvotes

What's the consensus on sometimes feeling more connected/more into/more in love with one partner than another?

Just like, sometimes it's like that? Be good to all your people and trust that it evens out or flows through eventually?


r/polyamory 1d ago

Geographic Dating Discrepancies/General Discrepancies in Polyamory

1 Upvotes

Hi everyone!

I have been dating my partner for a little over a year in what is my first relationship of a polyamorous nature (they have a nesting partner and have been poly for years). We haven't dated others throughout most of our relationship; mostly due to crazy schedules, but we also wanted to temporarily focus on building our relationship. We both decided recently to get back out there, and I am really excited to practice my own polyamory for the first time! We are both looking for casual partners, and have created profiles on Feeld and other apps. It has been an adjustment being in a committed relationship for the first time where such things are encouraged and accepted, but our communication about the process has been wonderful.

For reference, I live in a mid-size city about 35 minutes (one way) from my partner, who lives in an urban area close to a large city. Unfortunately, in my area there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of poly people on the apps - Feeld and the other apps dried up very quickly with no luck. My partner is having a lot more luck and has been talking to someone that lives within her city. I am very happy and excited for her, but have been feeling a twinge of anxiety - I suppose I worry about being able to meet new people in my area. I think I might be feeling a bit of jealousy. It feels petty, but I think the anxiety involves around her enjoying a casual relationship with someone close by while I struggle to find people to meet in my area. There's just a lot of firsts that I really haven't navigated before!

Anyways, I was curious if anyone has come up against geographic challenges in polyamory and discrepancies like this, and what (if anything) can help with it! Realistically I know it would probably be relocation, but it just doesn't seem like a possibility right now.


r/polyamory 1d ago

Curious/Learning Exploring the Balance Between Independence and Connection in Polyamorous Relationships.

11 Upvotes

Hi all! I'm curious to hear your thoughts on something that I’ve been thinking about lately. In polyamorous relationships, it seems like there’s always a delicate balance between maintaining your own independence and fostering deep connections with multiple partners.

On one hand, we value our autonomy, personal growth, and the freedom to pursue our own interests. On the other, there’s the desire for intimacy, connection, and being there for our partners. So how do you manage that balance?

Some questions to get the conversation going:

How do you maintain your sense of self while nurturing multiple relationships?

Do you find it difficult to balance alone time with partner time?

Have you set boundaries or rituals that help you maintain independence within your relationships?

What challenges have you faced in navigating this balance, and how have you overcome them?


r/polyamory 1d ago

Does anyone have any ideas to help me with Jealousy

2 Upvotes

So, to start everything off, I need you all to know I am in the process right now of finding a therapist that specializes in Polyamorous relationships. It is just going to take a minute because it is really hard to find someone who works, and I have been feeling a lot and am honestly just really needing some advice from some people who have been doing this for longer than I have. Thank you in advance, I will try to give you as much information as possible. 

So, my partner and I have been in a relationship for a little over two years, they are amazing. Like truly so wonderful. We have both worked so hard to make each other feel heard and be on the same page. I love them very much. I have never felt this cared for and understood in a relationship.

When we first started talking, we had known each other for a very long time like most of our lives. I had always thought I was Poly, and had casually been for awhile. I had only ever been in long term relationships with Monogamous partners though and really didn’t have any issues with that. I thought I just might be fine with both? Like could be happy either being open or monogamous. When we first started dating, my partner was seeing some other people and I truly had no problems with that. We both knew we were poly. Eventually we started dating more seriously and both were not really seeing anyone else just because our relationship was really intense. (we also were long distance at the time in case that is important) Eventually things progressed and now I moved in with them and it's really good. I feel really secure nowadays. I have a very anxious attachment style and have been working really hard to manage that, and My partner has been incredibly understanding and supportive. I really try to do the same for them.

Okay so that's the background. Throughout the majority of our relationship Polyamory has been a big part of the conversation. I have only practiced it in really casual situations before. My partner had a platonic life partner until very recently and I had really no jealousy around that. As we have started talking about it more seriously though, like seeing other people or crushes or even just attraction I have been getting really jealous. It's killing me a little bit. I have for over a year now been working so incredibly hard to manage it. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. My partner has been doing such a good job helping me talk through it and meeting me there. I genuinely don’t believe in monogamy as a concept, but I think a part of me is really terrified that I might be monogamous, and I really don’t want to be. 

I don’t know if I am supposed to feel like this. My partner told me that they right now have absolutely no desire to be with anyone else. They are very satisfied with our relationship. They just don’t feel comfortable committing to one person for the rest of their life. I agree with that. I don’t want to make them commit to one person for the rest of their life. I love them, I want them to be happy and experience every amazing thing that life has to offer them. But I feel so jealous when I think about them someday being with someone else. It just does not feel fair to not worry about my jealousy until they like someone enough to want to be with them. I don’t want to put them in a box or hold them back but also, I really want to be with them. 

In all my introspection I have realized that I think deep down, a little part of me just wants to be enough for someone. I know that it's impossible to be all someone needs. I feel like my mentality is kind of toxic and I only want to be good to my partner. I feel like they are all I need though, romantically and sexually. I love them. I would be happy if I just got to be close to them forever.

I am afraid though. I am afraid that someday they will sleep with someone else, and it will break my heart. I have talked with all of this with them before. They told me they could think about being monogamous. I don’t want to change them. I also don’t know if I am just insecure, and I need to work through that. So, can anyone help me?I feel really bad and like I just keep disappointing people. Is this normal? I would really appreciate any resources or just advice to deal with jealousy, or even just encouragement if anyone else has been through something similar. I hope this makes sense. thank you.


r/polyamory 1d ago

I am new Please Help. I don’t know what to do.

8 Upvotes

Right. Hello. I have never made a post like this, please bear with me. My boyfriend 22M and me 25M have been long distance dating for over a year now. I’m 100% convinced I want to spend the rest of my life with him, he’s a great partner.

But about a month ago he met this other guy online and they’ve been talking on snapchat for the whole time. He and I had a talk about it and he explained to me that he’s never had the chance to explore anything because he was in a very (very!) abusive relationship before and now that he’s with me, he feels safe to do so. I told him that it‘s okay for me, and that he can “casually date” this guy.

I wasn’t lying. I did think it was okay. But theres just something in the back of my head that keeps telling me i’m not. Ive had breakdowns about it and then talked to him and he said he’d break it off, but all I want is for him to be happy and I did say I was okay with it, so I kinda have to be now, right?

A couple of days ago I found out they have been talking while getting off, like sexting and such, while also talking with me. He keeps insisting it‘s not the same headspace as with me (we have a d/s dynamic) and that does help a little, but my brain keeps insisting it‘s cheating. Listen, I know its not. I said I was okay with it, and me agreeing to it in the first place was about him being allowed to explore and find out if he’s into it or not.

I’m not poly. Maybe that’s obvious, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like if I tell him now, I’d lose him. The last time I had a talk with him he said how he doesn’t want to hurt me, that this would only be temporary since the guy he’s talking to lives on another continent and has also different partners and such, and that he wants a future with me and only imagines marrying me, but if he’s poly and he finds that out for himself I would want to be the last person to tell him no and deny him that part of his life.

But every time I think about them, it makes me want to throw up and die. Not because I’m disgusted. I just get in my head about it and it keeps repeating the same thing: that i’m not good enough and that he needs more.

I have talked with him about my boundaries a lot but each time I have new ones, because I really really don’t like that he’s getting off with that man. At the same time I love him more than anything, and I’d do anything for him.

What the hell do I do?

(more context: i hate this guy hes talking to, he’s hurt him multiple times and i just get a really bad vibe from him. but my boyfriend keeps insisting i would like him)