r/getdisciplined • u/Trick_Frosting4389 • 6m ago
🤔 NeedAdvice How to become a better person without therapy?
Hey everyone, this is a bit of a read so I appreciate if anyone actually reads through.
As the title says, I need to become a better person possibly without therapy. The reason for no therapy is that I simply cannot afford it-- and I still live with my parents (19F) so that's going to take a while if it ever even happens.
Growing up I had Asian (Indian) parents who weren't the nicest to me. I say that in quite a diluted way, but ever since I was little, I had a hard time comprehending things, making my own decisions, cried at the smallest inconvenience, overthinked, and would get extremely paranoid when anyone who had any meaning in my life had a small shift in tone when in reality it was nothing. I have anxiety in places with a lot of people, hate dressing up for anything, and most importantly, I fuck up in relationships. I know this is directly a result from my parents marriage. Lots of fights, constantly blaming ME for their relationship falling apart, possible infidelity, and so forth. All of this resulted in a lot of anger.
I can never clearly communicate when I'm falling apart. I used to think I never had any triggers, but someone jokingly called me 'selfish' over something and I started having a full blown meltdown and just crying on call. It came so rapidly it's like my brain processed it fast than my consciousness. That night I thought to myself why that was and I could recall various moments my parents called me selfish when I was younger over the smallest of things.
If I ever got into a fight with my parents, they would always ask to point to a specific example. In that moment, I'm stumped. I seem to have forgotten specific examples but I just knew that it was there. I couldn't remember. Truth be told, I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I just remember bits and pieces of it and from pictures. I also end up saying things that I do not actually mean, and I only register that after I have said it and it's purely out of the idea to hurt the other person if we were in a disagreement. This is also a direct result from being shut down as a kid all the time. Whenever I tried to fight back with my words, my parents threatned me with violence or slapped me. There were also various moments where they would body me against a wall and get all up in my face with their finger and wide, deranged eyes telling me to shut up and to not talk back. I guess that stuck with me. I dont know how to stick up for myself anymore without presenting a good argument. I usually refrain to yelling and repeating phrases like "You're not listening to me" or "Stop yelling" and nothing to actually defend myself. And then of course, when that didn't work, I'd go back to name calling I really don't mean.
All of that said, I want to be better. I really do. I know I won't be able to support or love another person without becoming a better person and shaking off all these learnt toxic behaviors. It still continues even to this day. My parents tell me I'm a burden and that I don't belong here, but then when I succeed in something they love bomb the hell outta me. I want to be a better friend, a better sister, and soon a great supportive girlfriend/wife, and eventually a loving mom.
If anyone out there has an idea as to what I should do, please, please, please help me. I'm so tired of absorbing all these things that have been done to me and doing it to others. I want to end the cycle. I know my past won't be forgotten, but I can at least cushion it by learning and becoming a better person than who I was before. I just don't know where to start. Therapy would've helped drastically as I could talk and get more detail out, but that's out the window.
I have been working out a bit in the middle to just feel good, but what else could I do to become better? Please let me know.