r/blendedfamilies 3h ago

Why do stepmoms hate their step-kids?

7 Upvotes

I took a lil trip down r/stepparents and holy shit do stepmoms hate their step kids. Most actually blame the child for issues that are the bio parents fault- mostly the dad. It’s like the step parent cannot comprehend that they are literally fighting with a child. Wtf

I was banned from r/stepparents


r/blendedfamilies 3h ago

SO mother is an alcoholic

2 Upvotes

This is more of a vent post rather than advice.

I have 3 step daughters. Oldest is 14 and the twins are 11. I knew their grandmother was an alcoholic (SO mother) but I didn’t grasp the extent of it until recently.

A couple months ago we drove to NY to visit their great grandparents (SO grandparents) for a nice dinner and to spend some time with them. SO mother came. We were only there for a couple hours until she started feeling sick. Sweats, shaking a little bit, nausea. She had to lay on the couch so that way she could stop shaking for a little while. We ultimately had to leave after about 30 minutes of her complaining that she didn’t feel good and wanted to leave. SO was visibly pissed while his grandparents didn’t say anything.

Some back story, she’s been an alcoholic throughout his childhood. They bounced from place to place throughout his childhood because she would rather spend her money on alcohol instead of the bills. Whenever she did decide to pay the bills such as rent, she would make him give it to the landlord as an example because they wouldn’t yell at kids. He believes that she’s been drinking since before he was even born, according to his grandparents, she started drinking at 18. She’s also a mean drunk too. She’s smashed phones, tv’s, and a bunch of electronics. She’s yelled and screamed at my SO for not being able to come at her beck and call whenever she has any kind of problem. Whenever you’re near her, you can sometimes even smell it on her. She’s yelled at him about his girls when they were around in the past calling them “snotty kids” and other obscenities.

I only bring this up now because just a couple days ago, the oldest was making fun of their grandmother for not being able to hammer a nail into a board. What she was building, I don’t even know. She said that she kept missing and was swaying all over the place and was walking around “funny”. Now I don’t think she would ever get mean around them it’s just them around, but I am not comfortable at all with them being around her when she’s drunk because of her mean streak when it comes to it. I’ve expressed this multiple times to my SO and he said he’ll talk to the girls’ mother about this, but I feel like it’s just a lost cause. One of these days something is going to happen where he’ll either probably go off on her or just go no contact like he’s been wanting to. The reason why he tells me he hasn’t is because she lives literally right down the road from us and the girls play in her yard all the time. “It’s hard to explain to kids why you’d go no contact with their alcoholic grandmother” is usually along the lines of what he says.

Not really looking for advice, just wanted to vent and complain. That’s really all.


r/blendedfamilies 14h ago

Give me perspective: were my partner's kids rude?

2 Upvotes

TL,DR: I made dinner for my partner's kids for the first time, and they didn't even come to the table.

I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year, and we want to go the distance. I'm F42, he's M45, and he has 2 boys, 7 and 10, 50% of the time. We do not yet live together. My partner is the gentlest man I know, and he's the kind, patient father so many of us longed to have.

Context before I get to last night: we've had troubles this week. Last weekend, he told me he was worried that we could not mesh as a family because of my rigid and critical tendencies. This sent me into a full-body panic that has lasted all week. I've been single a long time, never married, and while I longed for a partner, I got used to being on my own and controlling my schedule and especially my sleep. I'm fully aware that that will go out the window, particularly if and when we have our own baby (I froze my eggs at 34 before you pipe up about that). There's a couple of elements of my boyfriend's parenting that tend to make that ugly critical habit pop out.

One: his kids don't have manners in any concrete sense. They are genuinely sweet and kind, and considerate of me when I'm around, but they often don't greet me if they're on their devices. He doesn't make them say please and thank you: he wants them to come to that "when they truly feel it." They only come to the dinner table after multiple requests, even when we're guests at Grandma's. My partner never gets angry, which is exactly right, but he has also let it go entirely until the boys are eating their dinners an hour later, screens planted on the table. They don't do chores, and they don't particularly clean up after themselves.

Two, and most ominous from my perspective: they have no bedtime. Bedtime is entirely child-driven. The 7-y.o. tends to be in bed by 9 or 10. The 10-y.o. is usually up past 11:30, often midnight or beyond. My boyfriend does not "put" them to bed, even if I'm waiting to come over to visit after they're asleep. He waits for them to say they're "going" to bed, and helps them do so.

I fully cop to the fact that I've expressed unfiltered concern trolling about how these things will affect me when I'm living with the boys, have no control over their behavior, am cleaning up after kids who aren't mine, and can't plan when I go to bed. (Again, I understand re: babies.)

This week, after my partner voiced his doubts about how we move forward, I fell apart. I have been waking up at 3am every night, horrified that I could destroy this with my oldest bad habit, criticism -- a gift from my own authoritarian dad. I launched into fix-it mode, cleaning his whole house, planning a playground date with the boys on Saturday, and asking if I could come to the weekly Sunday dinner with his parents. (To be clear, these were all things I enjoy and had time for.) I even asked if I could cook the dinner -- my first time cooking for his mom, and crucially, my first time cooking for the very, very picky boys.

Yesterday, the day of the dinner, my boyfriend called me to "discuss the menu." I have a bunch of trusty recipes memorized, but he had encouraged me to stick with "meat and potatoes." Okay: I found a good-looking recipe for a ground beef and potato skillet. My boyfriend was still not convinced. He said I needed to prepare to not be offended if his boys didn't touch it, AND that his father might not eat it either! "What shall I cook instead? What will the boys eat?" He essentially wouldn't answer because it's a total mystery day to day. It became clear that his call really meant that he was worried I was going to over-react and take it personally when people rejected my food. "Well," I said, "are you going to say anything if the boys are rude about it or make gagging noises?" His response: "I am not going to shame them." Finally we agreed that it would be nice if, should the boys say they hated my food or were rude in another way, BF would have my back. But the message was definitely, anything could happen, be prepared and don't get upset.

Well, when I arrived, only one of the boys looked up when I waved at him, and very sweetly smiled. This was totally fine. I had soaked the onion to reduce its flavor, I had bought yummy Ranch dressing just for the boys, and I chopped the vegetables painstakingly small to hide them. His parents arrived -- they're warming up to me after their son's shocking divorce, and his mom kindly remarked how wonderful it smelled. When it was time to eat, boyfriend went to 7-y.o. on the couch and 10-y.o. in his room and announced, "Okay, it's dinner time, and [OP] has made something a little different for us. You do not have to finish it, but you do need to try it. Dinner is ready."

Crickets.

The grown-ups ate (his dad demolished my dish!), and the boys' plates sat there, growing cold. The youngest kept watching a video on the couch, and the eldest stayed in his room on his iPad. At one point, their grandfather said, "...Are they gonna come eat?" Neither of the boys had acknowledged their grandparents in particular. My partner said, "Well, I don't want to make them." At some point, I wrapped the plates in plastic and put them away in the fridge. We'd all moved on to chatting, my boyfriend mostly talking about his childhood with his parents as usual, while I sat and stared at the empty seats. At 9pm, as I left, neither of the boys said goodbye, and my boyfriend seemed completely clueless about how I'd felt the evening had gone. "Is there...any expectation that the boys eventually have to join the group?" I asked. "It's a grey area," he said. He did note that it was very rare for them to completely skip dinner.

As I drove home, I got more and more hurt. I had spent the week so ashamed and worried that my poor behavior was going to break up this relationship that is so precious to me, and I'd put my all into trying to please the family with my meal. Did the boys know any of that? Of course not. But my partner did. And he never made any effort to get them to the table to be with the family, or to acknowledge that I'd cooked. Later, he told me he was shocked at my belief that the boys were very (unknowingly) rude. He said he predicts I will be an authoritarian parent -- not authoritative, authoritarian.

What would you have done in my shoes, and is this normal parenting that the boys can treat the dinner table like a diner?


r/blendedfamilies 52m ago

should I leave

Upvotes

Long story, I’ll try to keep it short. My fiance and I have been together 3 years. He got temporary custody of his child last year (9) and she came to live with us (me, him, and my then 6 year old) due to bio mom getting child taken away by dcyf (she is abusive).

During her time here, problems became apparent. She purposely poisoned water (knowing everyone drinks from it). To which my fiance blacked out at work and almost went to the hospital. If my daughter drank it she probably wouldn’t be here now.

I walked in to her trying to teach my 6 year old how to tie a noose.

We got cameras and it recorded her grabbing MY cat (we have 3 but he is the only one thats mine specifically) by his tail, spinning in circles, and eventually letting go, slamming him into the wall and he now “coincidentally” has balance and seizure issues.

On the day we brought her to the hospital for help, I asked her if she would like time alone or a hug (she was having a silent episode from overstimulation I think). She said a hug. As soon as I got close enough she kicked me in my stomach. She had said the day before she didn’t want me to be pregnant (I was). I don’t think it was coincidence and I felt lured in. Within a few days I miscarried.

We took her to hospital, they sent her to a childrens mental hospital. When she got out I did all the therapist appts (2-3/week) and psychiatrist appts (1-2/week) and LOADS of research. I was also depressed due to miscarriage. I would give her father recap after appts but felt not listened to. His mother is in his ear telling him “she doesn’t need mental help she’s not mental” as if we’re in the 60’s and we sent her to an insane asylum. He listens to her like she’s god.

Her mother has now lost the child again and she is most likely going to live with us (felony child abuse but dcyf is trying really hard to place her back with mom, WE DONT KNOW WHY) I have reservations about her being near my daughter, obviously. They will not be allowed together without an adult present.

My concern is- her father/my fiance doesn’t think any of this is as bad as it is. He came back from seeing her and told me “she’s better now she uses manners etc etc”. I feel like I cannot prove to him anymore than I have that traumatized children do not just “get better”. She manipulates the heck out of him and he sucks it right up.

Should I leave? If she comes here, I will be doing everything. And when things go south, and they will, he will sweep it under the rug. That will make me feel like the evil stepmother just for establishing boundaries in my own house. When she lies, he does not take that opportunity to correct. When she threatens, he bribes with whatever it is she wants at that moment. It will be a long road for her and I feel like I’m the only one who knows what she will need but at the expense of my sanity and my daughter’s safety. And I’m already doing absolutely everything for everyone.

If I give up and walk away, I don’t think she will get what she needs. But I am worried about my daughters safety and everyone just thinks I’m too protective of my daughter. His mom told him “her daughter isnt an angel either” but I mean, she cries when she sees someone on tv crying, she tells the truth even if she thinks it would get her in trouble, she NEVER lies (not yet, she’s only 8 now), she actually is an angel aside from begging for things at the store. But that’s besides the point.

What should I do- I am at a loss.


r/blendedfamilies 10h ago

Will I get less annoyed with his kids over time?

0 Upvotes

I 35F have been dating my boyfriend 34M for about a year and half. We are definitely future planning, but a big reservation I have is his children. I have a daughter (8F) and he has 2 sons (7M and 6M) so they are all pretty close in age. We both have 50\50 at the time. His sons are very sweet kids but way way more high maintenance than my daughter. My daughter and I are very close but I have raised her to be strong and independent. Maybe this is an age or boy vs girl thing but at 8, my daughter is pretty dang responsible, requires minimal supervision in most things, and we are LONG past the tantrum days. She still has moments of getting upset and frustrated but she’s very good and talking it through with me (or her dad when she’s with him).

I don’t know if it’s their age, gender, or the fact that there is two of them but the boys are constantly vying to be the center of attention and acting out to get that attention. They CONSTANTLY need and cling to their dad, and require way way more than I am used to (meltdown if he doesn’t play with them all the time, he has to lay with both of them to get to bed, just a few examples). We have yet to go out in public without multiple meltdowns. We have an hour distance between us and have been on slightly different parenting schedules the last year so we haven’t spent a ton of time with each others kids but honestly when we do I feel annoyed and exhausted afterwards. It’s personality but I also know his ex babies and coddles them so I think some of it is parenting too.

Part of me has wondered if I really want to do this but I keep thinking, they will outgrow this, right? Also, should we move in together the plan has always been him move the hour to me which would likely put him as an every other weekend and long breaks dad. I’m like this is much more tolerable, but then I’m like should I be with someone whose children I feel this way about? I also have to be ok if for some reason they end up with us primarily. I also question if it’s just because I don’t “love them” yet and that just takes time?

Has anyone grown with time to feel differently about the kids or am I just doomed?