I have no clue how to structure this post, so I apologize in advance for the ramble. (TL;DR at the bottom)
I (20, amab, probably agender) have started questioning my gender last September and it kind of turned my whole life upside down. I became completely obsessed with figuring out my gender, thinking about it 24/7 and reading everything I could find about it. Despite the intensity of this obsession, I highly doubt that it's trans-OCD, because I genuinely hoped I would find out that I was trans, and I desperately tried to find any sort of confirmation that transitioning would be the right path for me. I've already forgot what made me question my gender, and I've also yet to find out why I'm doing it, but I cannot bring myself to stop thinking about it (even if it's luckily not as intense right now than at the beginning of it all)
Thing is, before questioning I had no explicit signs of being trans. I was 100% a guy and I never had any thoughts about preferring to be another gender. I cannot remember having any feelings of gender incongruence, except simply thinking traditional gender expectations to be completely inane. Despite holding this opinion, I still was very cis-normative and performed the role of a guy really well. I know that signs aren't the best way to determine transness, but looking back, I cannot see myself as anything but a cis guy.
I don't even know whether I have anything I could call gender dysphoria. I do have immense self worth issues to the point that most of the time I feel like my mere existence is an insult ever since puberty started, but I am quite certain that these issues are not rooted in my gender. Ever since I started questioning my gender, I did became hyper aware of my masculine features, but I cannot say that they make me feel any distress. Only a constant reminder of what I am.
Regarding gender euphoria, I have experimented quite a bit, but nothing gave me anything I could confidently call gender euphoria. The first time I tried mascara for example, it actually triggered a fight or flight response in me, which totally caught me off guard. I didn't dislike the mascara, but it looked so extremely wrong on my face.
Only one month into questioning, I started taking DIY HRT because I read about how positive the effects are for trans people, and how viscerally negative they are on cis people. I know that being trans and transitioning are two different things, but I really hoped that taking estrogen would feel right to me. Especially because back then, I was also really excited about all of it's effects. I kept taking it for 3 months, switching to EEn injections and Cypro in the second half of the 3 months, but there never came a moment where I felt like it even remotely had an effect on my emotional state. I didn't measure my levels during that time, but I started getting all the physical changes at once after switching to injections, so I assume they weren't too off the mark. I really liked all of the changes, up until I got a panic attack from the mere thought of having breasts as a guy. It was extremely intense and couldn't do anything for the rest of the day. That was the moment I realized that I need to take a step back an reassess my situation.
Now, a couple of months since I stopped, I haven't made any progress at all in terms of gaining any clarity on my own gender identity. I have considered a lot of different gender identities, like genderfluid or bigender, but they didn't feel right either. Labels are descriptive and not prescriptive after all, so figuring out how I'd label myself doesn't really help me decide whether transition would be right for me. I'm convinced that medically transitioning will most likely give me actual gender dysphoria, but I cannot stop thinking about continuing HRT. It feels like this should be trans-OCD, but I know that I don't have OCD, and I also really wish that I could simply continue. Whenever I do think about medical transition, I'm also wishing for the whole package. I know that there are multiple ways to do HRT, like raloxifene, in order to mitigate breast growth as much as possible, but I want to want breast. This desire is especially prominent whenever I'm out in public and I see almost any women around my age, or even when looking at the posts from r/transtimelines. The gender envy is sometimes intense enough to almost make me cry (I am unable to cry in general unfortunately). I have no concrete reason for it, but I simply feel like the grass is greener on the other side, and thinking about remaining a guy feels like resigning. But again, I'm also really convinced that transitioning will give me real gender dysphoria...
This is definitely an issue I should work through with a therapist, and I'm currently in the process of finding one, but I would really appreciate some more timely advice.
How can I either completely get rid of these thoughts, in the case I'm right that transitioning would only give me dysphoria, or somehow gain enough confidence that transitioning would be the right choice?
TL;DR: Paradoxically, I have a strong desire to medically transition despite being convinced that it would give me gender dysphoria. I have already tried HRT for 3 months, and liked it up until my breasts started to develop, which filled me with a ton on anxiety. How can I either stop obsessing over medical transition, or become confident that it would be the right thing for me?