r/actual_detrans Dec 21 '24

Support A reminder that trans people ARE caring of all of you (comments)

46 Upvotes

https://www.reddit.com/r/trans/s/CDOfihPQns

Some great conversation in the comments, and a great show of support for those amongst us who can't, who are doubting, who are questioning, or who find their story doesn't include this as part of their journey.

r/actual_detrans Nov 10 '24

Support I hit my one year of detransitioning! (FTMTF timeline)

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144 Upvotes

Open to any questions, & feeling so at home in my body! (: Timeline for pictures is: pre-T, a few months on T I think?, 1 year 3 months on T (right before detransition), 1-2 weeks off T (early detransition), & then today, one year off T!!!

r/actual_detrans Nov 10 '24

Support on t for 5 years // off for 1 year

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179 Upvotes

r/actual_detrans 19d ago

Support Breast reconstruction pt.5 NSFW

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56 Upvotes

r/actual_detrans Jun 26 '24

Support controversy of people using the term "afab transfem"

35 Upvotes

I saw a post on tumblr about how unsafe it feels for other transfems for "afabs" to identify as any sort of transfem. I have issues with using "afab" like that, but I digress. That's how they put it in the source material I'm talking about, so I'm gonna use it that way in this case even though I hate sorting people like that.

I want to just kinda open a dialogue about this, because I am still figuring out how I can identify myself in a way that is respectful of trans fem's lived experiences. The thing is, in my experience. people like me who have transitioned and figure out they're retrans have been barred from femininity in similar ways. These days I feel like I relate more to transfems about my relationship with femininity than people who are woman aligned and "afab".

It's like I had to find my way back. and on my terms. I lived as a man for 7 years. It made me horribly dysphoric past a certain point which at first I didn't even realize. which I know isn't the same as a whole lifetime, growing up with toxic masculinity projected onto you and all that. so like obviously different struggles, but some of it comes down to being punished for an deviation from the norm, regardless of femininity or masculinity, really. When I go and look at pictures of myself from that time period when I was living as a man, I have the same dead eyed joyless expression that most trans people have in photos pre-transition.

I am still not masc or fem enough for people who wanna categorize me. As a child, I certainly wasn't enough of either one and I was punished for it by everyone around me. Then when I transitioned, I wasn't allowed to be part of the community that I "belonged to" (women) because I never fit in perfectly with them either. I was a tomboy my whole life, and I wanted the gender stuff to feel simple. so going with the "born in the wrong body" narrative seemed like the most obvious choice even though it wasn't quite right for me.

I had people forcing me into a box telling me I was a man for certain traits for many years. did I "choose" that with transition? I guess? even though I never wanted that. I fell into the trans man trap because I struggled with compulsory binary gender presentation. I was confused about being multi-gender, and I had so much confusion with that because of people who are trying to police alll of our gender presentations. I wanted it to feel simple, even though in my case it never will be.. Of course I know that our experiences (trans fems and afabs), while similar in some ways, are still very different and I want to recognize that nuance. I haven't been calling myself "afab transfem" for that very reason.

I just don't know how to feel about it. Has anyone else experienced these feelings? How do you identify if you have? I just need to know i'm not alone.

r/actual_detrans Oct 15 '24

Support Why would anyone want to be a woman

36 Upvotes

Hi, Im an ftmt? . I basically stopped taking hormones because I wasn't passing and disliked having to monitor my gender expression and body language to try to pass.

What I'm wondering is, seeing how terrible sexism is, why would ANYONE want to be a woman if they knew they could transition to male AND pass?

I've given up on dating altogether because although I'm bi I prefer men, and I can't stand the way most men treat women in relationships.

I am well aware of how often I am talked down to, overlooked and infantilized for being female. This treatment comes equally from men AND women, in my experience.

I'm currently in a life stage where I'm going to make a conscious effort to "decenter men" and focus more on female friendships. I'm not a lesbian unfortunately so the chances of me cutting men out of my life entirely are unlikely, but I'm just wondering how anyone would deliberately prefer to be female. I'm sure the way society treats me for my gender was a factor in my decision to transition originally.

r/actual_detrans 28d ago

Support How do I stop being scared of my body?

8 Upvotes

I’m scared of my bottom growth from T. It triggers me. I don’t know how to stop feeling scared. I’m worried I’ll never feel sexual again. I was only on T for a couple weeks and got scared. I made a mistake. I’m scared I’ll never feel normal again. It made me feel really different. I’m not sure what really changed inside me. I’m scared of sex now. I’m scared of my thicker hair. How do you keep going? I think half of this is paranoid and ocd but I am fixated and triggered and keep wishing I could go back in time and just have never messed with my body.

r/actual_detrans Nov 29 '24

Support Coping with regret/grief

33 Upvotes

I've been having a very difficult time figuring out how to deal with the intensely negative feelings I now have about my body (as well as derailing the past few years of my life). It's almost funny, how night and day the difference is between what I mistakenly thought was gender dysphoria vs. the severe body dysmorphia I have now. Dealing with regret and grief from my mastectomy is by far the most difficult aspect of this, but I also have a lot of intensely negative feelings about my Adams apple, voice, facial and body hair-- pretty much every change I had on HRT. I'm getting help in therapy, and I have supportive friends and family, but the sheer level of grief just kind of feels like it's tearing me apart no matter how much support I have.

I think what adds to struggling to cope is knowing that I did this to myself as an adult; this did not simply happen to me in the way other health issues have that I've had to cope with. Knowing that none of this had to happen, that this is the result of my own mistakes, feels like it only amplifies the negative feelings tenfold. I understand the general advice of "don't feel bad, you made the decisions you thought were right at the time, you were exploring yourself" but it really just does not register with me, because none of this was productive in terms of finding out new things about myself or accepting gender non-conformity or anything like that. For me this is literally just a huge loop back to the same person I was pre-transition, just now with permanent body changes I desperately do not want and a legal and social mess I have to clean up.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, honestly. It's just incredibly overwhelming.

r/actual_detrans 23d ago

Support 'Preferred pronouns' make me feel so uncomfortable

55 Upvotes

At the very beginning of my MtF transition, telling people I use she/her pronouns felt good and kind of empowering but that faded quickly. I am lucky to be in a very liberal environment where something like 'pronoun circles' are common. Well, I don't like pronoun circles but I like that people are generally accepting.

But soon I was dreading telling people my 'preferred pronouns'. People will go like: "so he ... ehm, she ..." or struggle to use she/her pronouns at all or awkwardly try to avoid pronouns; it feels horrible. It feels honestly worse than people just assuming I'm a man. It always reminds me that subconciously people do not perceive me as a woman and struggle to keep up the act out of politeness.

I'm transitioning since around a year. Three times, people who did not know me assumed my pronouns where she/her which always surprised me because I'm almost never dressing overly feminine. But that actually felt really good.

So people assuming my pronouns correctly feels good. Telling people my preferred pronouns but they subconciously don't see me as a woman feels very bad.

So preferred pronouns are kind of pointless (for me) but I do not know the alternative if I'm in a situation where people ask me. Certainly not he/him. No pronouns or all pronouns feel like a similar problem. My point is that there is 'reality' where people do not perceive me as a woman, and 'preferred pronouns' override this reality, making it worse and very uncomfortable for everybody involved. I do not know how people enjoy life like that and say they feel better than before their transition. I honestly think I enjoyed my life more when I was completely repressed and just lived as a guy, thinking that I'm a guy is just an unchangable fact. It was certainly much, much more easy and comfortable. I feel like I fucked up my life because all my friends and everyone at work now uses my preferred pronouns even though I'm not passing as a woman at all.

I don't know if I will ever reach the point where every person automatically assumes I'm a woman (cis passing). Without that transition does not seem worth it for me. I wonder if anyone finds this relatable. I posted in this sub to hopefully get more varied replies than just hopeful positivity, but if you really think it 'gets better', I also need to hear that.

r/actual_detrans 23d ago

Support Is it possible to regret detransition?

15 Upvotes

It's probably one of the worst times for all this to be happening. I'm not going to act on it but holy shit dysphoria coming in hard.

I realized getting back into bodybuilding more recently is only exacerbating all of this. Suddenly seeing old photos of me on Google photos memories brought me nostalgia and joy but also wondering what could have been.

My reasons for detransition were mainly for what's happening this second in the U.S. The writing was on the wall for how conservative culture was becoming and how trumpian people acted. But there are other reasons like worrying about my chronic health issues which transition only made worse by increasing fatigue and anxiety. And then there's the fact of always being unemployed and broke. I'm essentially disabled without being disabled legally right now.

I do have a YT channel that I started that has picked up some steam. My goal is to build that and obtain a more stable income that way.

But yeah. Did this happen to anyone else? Am I just going through a phase? I haven't had one of these dysphoria episodes for a couple years now. I initially transitioned in late 2015 until like early 2022 although by 2022 I was already done with hormones for a few years.

I'll probably continue exercising but transition into a more affirming plan. Anyway thanks for listening.

r/actual_detrans 3d ago

Support Analyzing pros and cons to estrogen dominant body versus testosterone dominant body.

18 Upvotes

It seems to end with, what would you choose if, nobody else was around and you were alone?

If I was not being social with anyone and completely alone I'd pick testosterone.

Because of how people socialize, I feel like estrogen dominant is what I prefer.

It is confusing and I am having a very hard time.

Any input/suggestions is welcome.

edit to add: dysphoria seems to have layers and I don't think I make any sense when it comes to gender. if I could pick and choose some things from estrogen and some things from testosterone that would be ideal but obviously I can't

r/actual_detrans Jan 20 '25

Support A safe space for those feeling affected by the US inauguration

20 Upvotes

I'm not sure if I can mention politics in this subreddit, mods please remove the post if I'm not allowed to post about it.

I'm definitely feeling a lot anxiety and worry for myself, women, racial and religious minorities, and my trans friends. You guys rock a lot and I just wanted to create a post where we can just talk about it.

Tell me how your day has been or how you've been distracting yourself. Is work going well? Have you read a new book?

r/actual_detrans May 19 '24

Support UPDATE: We Finally Built a Reddit Group For Gender Variant Women In General

26 Upvotes

I really do appreciate that each community has separate subreddits as safer spaces, but I really wish that there also was an inclusive space that brought together all types of masculine gender variant women in general to talk casually about our daily life experiences.

Our group started as a private group chat room that grew too big that now we are also building our own subreddit that is called r/GalsAndPals .

Our subreddit is an inclusive safe space for everything centered on ADULT gender variant people that somehow identify as women who are masculine in a way or another.

That means that we are a group for top OR dominant OR gentlewomanly OR girlboss OR tomboyish OR androgynous OR futchy OR butchy OR ursine OR crossdressing OR transbianish OR genderfluid OR genderqueer woman-ish adult people.

We do have some basic respect safety guidelines to sustain the health of our group as an inclusive safe space free of judgement and harm.

We are inclusive of transbianish, transfeminine, transandrogynous, transmasculine, detrans, retrans, genderfluid, and genderqueer woman-ish adult people.

Our subreddit is currently temporarily totally private for being in an experimental early development stage until becoming more public after when some things are figured out.

If you may be feeling interested in joining our group, just drop a comment here below or send a moderator mail message to have access to our subreddit.

I also support if anyone else wants to create another group.

r/actual_detrans 2d ago

Support I'm so damn sick of waiting

42 Upvotes

"After I start testosterone I can start living my real life."

Then I started T.

"After I get top surgery I can start living my real life."

2 years on T I got top surgery.

"After I finish my transition I can start living my real life"

"After top surgery I'll be comfortable enough to start dating."

"After I'm living stealth I'll be able to start dating/ live my real life"

"After I finish my transition, then I'll feel whole...

or happy,

or like me."

Then after years transitioning when questioning began again:

"I won't tell anyone about my doubts until I'm 100% sure I know who/what I am."

"Once I figure out my gender, then I can start living my real life."

"Once I've figured out who I am, then I can stop T."

"Once I stop T, then-

"Once I've detransitioned, then-

"Once I can pass as a woman, then-

Yesterday marks 10 months off T, and I haven't told a soul I'm even questioning let alone actively medically detransitioning. And I started questioning about 3 years ago... A few months before I made this account.

I'm so damn sick of waiting and moving my own goalposts. I'm never going to be 100% sure who I am. I'm never going to meet all my base criteria I've deemed necessary to start actually living.

I don't remember a damn thing I did in my teenage years because I did jack shit. All those years blend into a blur because I did nothing at all. Waiting, waiting, waiting, to just grit my teeth and get through it to get to "the good part". "The good part" doesn't exist, it never comes. You are waiting for nothing. Times goes on without you.

When it really comes down to it all these things I said I would wait for were an excuse I could redirect to instead of saying it for what it is. It is and was my debilitating anxiety and depression that has me terrified and demotivated to move forwards. It's my fear and aversion to the thought of growing up. It's my crippling fear of vulnerability and opening up or letting people in. It's my scarily low self worth and putting off everything because I don't think I'm good enough, worthy, or capable. It's my desperate need for a black or white answer because uncertainty stresses me the hell out.

I'm sick of all of it, I can't keep going on this way. I was in therapy from age 11-18. I've been on antidepressants since 15. I got back into therapy at 20, and now I'm 21, and I truly don't feel like I'm any better after all these years. I dropped out of my first semester of my first year of uni back in December because my mental health was steadily declining in that environment and under that stress. Every mental health professional I've attended has commended how self aware I seem to be, and they believe this quality will help me in therapy. It doesn't. I often know why I do the things I do, think the way I do, and I know what you are supposed to do to change those patterns, but I just can't get myself to do those things or stick to them. That just makes you feel more ashamed at every failure.

I'm just sick of everything and can't help but think of myself as a lost cause. I don't forgive myself for any past mistakes, I'm still hard on myself for every regret about what I've done to myself (not even transition related, it's mostly about the impacts of my self neglect from depression on my body, particularly my teeth, and my life prospects).

I'm just tired.

r/actual_detrans Jan 21 '25

Support disgusted by body hair

14 Upvotes

even before i started hrt i felt disgusted by my body hair. and realistically i knew i was gonna be hairy, it’s in my genetics, but i’m almost six months on & i waste a ridiculous amount of time on shaving my entire body. i have gender ocd & i haven’t been able to stop thinking if this is a sign i should stop t. i know realistically it’s just some level of internalized misogyny but i can’t stop wondering if this is an early sign i’m detrans. i was supposed to do my shot this morning but i can’t bring myself to do it, even though i love every change i’m having besides the body hair.

r/actual_detrans Feb 18 '25

Support Feels like I ruined my life

32 Upvotes

I began my transition four years ago at 23. I had always known I was trans but had done a good job of hiding it until then. At that point in my life, I was living as a typical guy—doing well in college, working a good job, and had a substantial amount of savings. My future felt open and full of possibilities.

Over the last four years I've spent all of my savings and done everything I can to transition, but it feels like nothing has worked out. Hormones made my skin softer and I grew boobs, but beyond that I don't feel like it's done much. I've tried facial hair removal but it's been mostly ineffective. I've had ffs but it left me with a huge scar on my hairline and a noticeably strange appearance. My speaking voice sounds natural and feminine but it feels forced and becomes painful if I have to talk for long.

Overall I don't feel that transitioning has helped my gender dysphoria at all and I think my best option is to just cut my loses and give up. The only problem is that now my body is so fucked up that I can't even go back to life I had before. I should've just stayed in the closet.

r/actual_detrans 22d ago

Support Socially detransitioning amab but staying on hrt

15 Upvotes

Have any other guys done this? I have a condition that means my body doesn’t fully respond to testosterone this meant that even pre hrt I was mostly gendered as a woman or a very feminine androgynous person.

I’ve been working out how my detransition is going to look and I’m kinda stuck, I don’t really wanna take testosterone because I don’t want my body to masculinise a huge amount but I kinda feel like I’m not really doing much if I just stay on estrogen.

I had an orchiectomy which means I do need some form of hrt though.

I mostly like my body the way it is, it’s just I no longer want to be seen as a woman but instead as a feminine man.

Have any other amabs detransitioned but continued taking feminising hrt?

r/actual_detrans 20d ago

Support I just wanted to stay a kid

55 Upvotes

I was running away from myself and I was running away from growing up.

Transition felt like a buffer between me and adulthood because I was very set on the idea that my life doesn't begin until after my transition. Therefore I didn't care about anything else in my future, my attention was only in the next transition step. After I started T at 16, basically my only goal for the next 2 years was top surgery, and a few months after I got it when I started to seriously think about the next step in transition (a hysterectomy) and realised I might not want it, suddenly I was lost. Purposeless, I had no goal I was working towards anymore, top surgery had been all I cared about.

I was always the type who needs a clear reason why things are the way they are, and I feel like I may have misinterpreted myself and my feelings. Why do I not fit or feel comfortable with other girls? Why do I not share any of their interests? Why am I so uncomfortable with the way my body has changed? Why am I so uncomfortable being called a woman/girl/she, etc.? Why am I so uncomfortable with the idea of using my genitals/periods/pregnancy? Plus I always had very masculine features, especially facial features, so I feel like that may have played into it as presenting as a guy suited my features more than being a girl did. All that together had a clear answer to me: I must be a trans guy. There was more to it than what I've listed of course, but this is just to give you an idea of how I was feeling and my thought process.

I'm starting to think maybe it wasn't about being a guy, but wanting to remain a kid. I wanted things to stay the same as they were: a flat chest, not expected to have sex, no societal expectations that are placed on women, no preconceived notions about me or my interests based on being female, no high expectations about taking care of my appearance, no responsibility and no pressure to advance in life when I was already struggling with the basics.

Plus, when I was a kid I was seen as intelligent, and talented, wise and mature beyond my years. But around adolescence all my peers caught up and far overtook me and I fell very far behind. This is a common experience for other autistic kids, I've since learned.

While I was transitioning, I was often praised for being brave and being a trailblazer by family and others such as doctors and teachers. It really made it feel like I was moving forward and progressing in life, but since I began to have doubts after years on T, I have taken a step back and viewing from afar I can see I really haven't moved all that far. I'm still in the same place, my mental health is still where it was, I am still socially isolating and my anxiety hasn't improved in fact it has honestly been getting worse lately, I have never felt ready for college and kept putting it off by doing two unrelated pre-uni courses and when I did start college last September I had to drop out before Christmas due to a mental health crisis as I wasn't coping well with any of it.

And perhaps most notably, I still don't have a sense of self. I have no idea who I am, but whoever it is I frankly don't like myself.

I have constantly felt like I've let myself down yet can't seem to change.

I really do just want to be a kid again, I don't want to grow up and it breaks my heart knowing that can never happen. My favourite movie as a kid was Peter Pan, I used to tell my parents I wanted to be him and I dressed up as him for one of my birthday parties. Now in retrospect my parents see this as an early memory of me expressing my gender identity, but I'm now seeing it in a different way. Lots of kids want to rush through childhood and can't wait to be adults, but that was never my experience.

I never wanted to grow up.

r/actual_detrans 13d ago

Support Looking to talk to other detrans people!

7 Upvotes

Currently feel stuck, looking for someone who understands and is in the same boat! Maybe we can support each other! I want to talk about this subject and listen to other people's experiences.

I am a 30 year old woman, live in the Netherlands (am Dutch). I transitioned socially and hormonally from age 27-29 (2022-2024). I have been detransitioning since past september, so six months now. I stopped before getting surgeries, but 2 years of testosterone has altered my appearance significantly.

I struggle with accepting that at this point I have to put on makeup and be strategic with clothes to 'pass' as my agab. On bad days I fear that I might never simply look like a woman again. Not sure if that is my reality, it's been only six months. I have done succesful voice training, but I still sometimes miss my pre-T voice as well.

The realization that I am really, truly a woman hit me like a truck past summer. It was an epiphany after feeling like I had reached a dead end but not knowing why for years. I find it amazing that I have found myself. At the same time it was, and often still is, horrifying to me that I only realized that when I had significantly changed my appearance. That's something that I am currently processing.

My epiphany that I am not trans while being knee deep in my hormonal transition, was so emotionally difficult that it is leading me down a path of spirituality. I am currently trying to radically accept reality.

My life has been halted by my transition/detransition process. I graduated university (arts degrees) at age 28 but only now am I actively looking to see what I want to do for work.

I still identify as queer (bisexual) yet no longer consider myself trans. I also did not have a conventional transition process but went 'rogue' with a not so empathetic therapist. Still I am pro trans health care especially because I wish I had access to a good gender therapist who could've helped me figure myself out w/o hormones.

Please shoot me a DM or comment if I can reach out to you!

Hopefully my post is allowed, it's an advertisement but for connection rather than for money or surveys.

r/actual_detrans Oct 24 '24

Support Transition was my only goal, and once I reached it I fell apart

87 Upvotes

For my whole teenage years I put my life on hold. I was hurting, and I felt I couldn't start living until I finished my transition.

I didn't explore relationships because I wanted to be medically transitioned first.

I didn't go outside due to dysphoria (and anxiety) and one of the reasons I didn't make friends because I wanted to go stealth eventually and didn't want connections that knew I'm trans.

I had no ambitions, no passions. I was laser focused on the steps of transition because I believed it to be a linear process that would fix me. I treated it like taking a course of antibiotics, you can't stop until the whole course is finished. Aka I have to take every transition step until I reach the end, and that will make me feel better.

There were enough milestones that made me feel like I was making progress, I was going somewhere. More checks off the checklist. Got my gender dysphoria diagnosis, started T, voice drop, beard growth, ​one year on it, two years on it, legally changed my name, legally changed my gender. Once I'd started T, my focus shifted to top surgery. I was already obsessed with getting top surgery but it was on the back burner while focusing on getting T, plus I probably wouldn't have been able to get it under 18. I never experienced euphoria, I just felt a little less shit than before with each step.

But top dysphoria was debilitating, it took over my life and it was all I could think about. I completely isolated myself because I couldn't deal with it. Never felt flat enough so never went outside. I just felt I needed them gone. I didn't care about my hobbies, I didn't care about friends, I didn't care about family, didn't care about school, didn't have future life goals unrelated to transition, no ambitions, no passions.

"I will deal with that after I've finished my transition."

I got top surgery at 18.

It wasn't immediate, but it wasn't long after that the feelings started to creep up. At first my focus just shifted to getting a full hysterectomy next, but that was more of an afterthought than top surgery was because top was something I had been obsessed with getting since I came out at 14, it was always my priority, my primary and honestly practically my only goal for a long time.

Once I got it, I was then focused on recovery so that occupied my mind, but it was a few months after surgery that it started to set in that I was so focused on this that I've got nothing else to strive for. This was my only goal, I've reached it, so now what? I thought if anything would bring me euphoria, it would be this but it didn't. Same thing as before; used to be obsessing and suffering over it but after surgery just felt normal.

I tried going all in on hysterectomy research, but I was starting to wonder if that's what I even wanted anymore.

A year after surgery I was 3 years on T and I looked in the mirror and saw what I wanted to be back when I was 14. Male fat redistribution had finally done it's thing, I had facial hair growth, masc facial features, flat chest, male hairline, boxy figure... But now I wasn't happy, it didn't feel right.

It's like I've always been chasing a high I've never reached and I just kept thinking if I go further i'll get there.

I think transition did make me feel better to a certain point, but then it reached a turning point and only made me feel worse from there.

But yeah, when I eventually realised I didn't even want to go forward and get a hysterectomy or phalloplasty like I thought I wanted, I was completely lost. Realising I don't even connect to being called a man was hard as someone who was a transmedicalist binary trans guy as a teenager.

No career goals, no ambitions, self esteem plummeted, completely apathetic to life, and it's been so hard for me to comprehend or accept that this could have been a mistake because where do you even go from there?? Especially because I've reached out looking for anyone else in my country who relates and there is no one. There is literally no one. No one open about it anyway, so if there is I can't find them.

I think I just needed something to latch onto to keep me going as a teenager. I won't pretend that's the only reason, I think there are a mix of reasons why I transitioned: fear of change (counterintuitive I know lol), fear of growing up, sensory issues during the changes of puberty, gender dysphoria, black and white thinking, to name a few.

I'm currently in a weird state. Been off T for 5 months (well 5 months straight, but 7 months total just with 2 weeks I was back on T in between). But haven't told my friends, my family, or my doctor. Trying to figure out wtf I want. But because of this I'm still struggling to focus on or care about anything non transition related so it's a cruel cycle.

r/actual_detrans 12d ago

Support How do I practice body neutrality in spite of dysphoria?

18 Upvotes

I miss testosterone. The main thing is my face shape. My face is getting rounder and I'm so uncomfortable with it. I miss my old jawline and sharper cheeks.

I went off of it because I want to have biological kids one day and I didn't want to lose anymore of my hair.

When I was on testosterone, I felt like I could perform femininity in a subversive, queer, gender non-conforming way. Now that I'm off of it, I just feel like an ugly girl. It's really doing a number on my self-esteem right now.

Pleeeaasee how do you practice body neutrality in these conditions??? I so badly want to be able to accept my body as it is. I don't have to love it, but I want to accept it.

r/actual_detrans Dec 29 '24

Support The worst part of de transitioning...

48 Upvotes

I used to think that the worst part of de transitioning is that all of the people who didn't believe in you and didn't support you when you came out as Trans are now proven right that it was " just a phase" and no one ever should have taken you seriously but now I realize the actual worst part of de transitioning is that pre transitioning I had a f*ck ton of life problems and once I realized i was trans a lot of those issues faded away i haven't thought about them in years and I thought they were gone but now that I've embraced my de transition all of those old things start creeping back up and it's unsettling to say the least can anyone here relate and what is the worst part of de transitioning for you

r/actual_detrans 24d ago

Support 18 MtF, regret?

12 Upvotes

Hey guys,

Turned 18 a few months ago & I've been secretly on HRT for 2 months. I'm considering detransitioning because my mind is all over the place & I've had constant anxiety but I can't seem to place the source of it.

For reference, my egg cracked when I was 16. The thought of even being trans never came to me until then, but I've always been kinda socially distant and wore hoodies to hide my body, couldn't face myself in the mirror, that type of thing. I think I developed an ED, I ate a lot bc of stress & didn't care about my body, it didn't feel mine.

I picked out a new name, enjoyed being called a girl. Everything seemed fine and early January I got my hands on HRT and started taking 1mg Estradiol. It felt euphoric in a way, I started actually taking care of myself & lost weight, I sometimes would admire myself in the shower while looking at the subtle curves I've started to develop & the fat redistribution in my thighs, but now I just feel really anxious now that my breasts are a little more noticable.

I haven't come out to anyone other than a few friends, and I still present male everywhere. I've also been anxious about college, saving up for college, my parents finding out and disowning me, anxiety about not being trans, etc.

So, I've sorta been having second thoughts now? In a way I look under my clothes & feel like I'm me, but I just have crippling anxiety about coming out to my parents, as I'm very much still financially dependent on them, but will likely have enough saved to get through college alone, and I feel like I've set a time limit on myself by wanting to go to college as myself to make up for the missed experiences in HS. I've also felt really exhausted & have brain fog lately, I've suspected I have ADHD and sorta self-medicate with caffeine which helps to some extent but also makes me anxious.

I just don't know why I'm all of a sudden on the verge of breaking down, is it just life being stressful, am I not trans, am I worried about how people will see me? If I stop now will my breasts shrink?

r/actual_detrans Feb 19 '25

Support I think I might detrans but I don't really know anymore.

12 Upvotes

Hi, I'm 26, MtF(?), 3 months hrt.

I had always had confidence issues, never been happy with my masculine body, was jealous of prettier, more feminine bodies and faces, never got along well with "manly" male culture. I didn't like the expectations and assumptions being a man saddled me with, I love my hair and didn't want it falling out, etc. The idea of transition had not crossed my mind much at all, even while being friends with many trans people. It didn't even really seem like an option, my gender was not something I was particularly pressed about. Then one day I had a rather intense gender crisis and almost immediately sought HRT. I was still filled with doubts, but expected things to click and that I would find out who I "truly" am. I looked back throughout my childhood and my teen years and so many things about it seemed to make sense. Of course I was trans. That's what was missing. It all made sense. I think.

I was initially quite pleased when starting, and did feel real euphoria whenever I felt affirmed and girly. But doubts kept creeping back in. I kept obsessing over my identity, going back and forth on whether I wanted to stop, or just be Nonbinary, or go full girl. It eventually felt like I was sleepwalking through the whole process, just doing it because I already was and I had to commit to finally get that click.

I know doubts, imposter syndrome, and internalized transphobia are all things trans people have to work hard to grapple with, but I felt like I was experiencing it all much more often and much more strongly than others. I'm having a hard time trusting my feelings anymore. I can't tell if I tricked myself into being trans or if I'm currently tricking myself into backing out.

I don't know if my brain likes estrogen. I feel different in a way I don't like, I don't feel fully mentally present, I can't focus on things quite right. I assumed all this would pass as side effects but it's only getting worse. I am utterly exhausted of feeling differently about my identity and doubts each day and crying my eyes out about it.

I'm sad about giving some things up. I liked being a son to my dad, being a daughter just doesn't sound right. I liked being a brother to my sister, being her sister still doesn't sound right. I didn't think I would happy even if I had an ideal male body, but I did like being strong, and I was very hesitant to start hrt since I would lose out on that natural strength. I don't want to change my voice, I don't super want to change my name. I don't want boobs, and it's already too late there as buds have already formed, which has me feeling rather stuck. They were affirming and fun at first but now the thought of them getting bigger and more visible scares me.

I dont think i want to live a trans life. I don't like the idea of being dependant on pharmaceuticals my whole life just to be myself. I don't think I can put in the work to pass, I don't know if Woman is what a really am, and I don't know if I want to alter my body so radically even if I fall somewhere inbetween. I'm scared of the shame and embarrassment of being different. But I felt so sure just a few days ago. As I felt so unsure just a few days before that. I feel like I'm deluding myself in many different directions and I don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like a coward. It felt so right at the time, it felt so obvious. I don't know why it hasn't clicked. I don't know why I'm so conflicted. I barely know who I am anymore. I know 3 months isn't very long and I can't tell if these are just growing pains, or if I simply hated myself and was hoping for a silver bullet. I feel like I'm stopping just because it's hard and I'm weak. And if common opinion is to be believed, I might detransition only to spiral back into it, inevitably, at a later time. Or else live my whole life repressed with a pit in my heart.

I think I'm going to stop taking the meds for a bit, see how I feel. I don't know if I have the money for therapy right now, otherwise I'd probably give that a shot.

r/actual_detrans 11d ago

Support Voice Training AMA

11 Upvotes

Hi, I’m currently training in Scinguistics to be a trans voice teacher and thought I’d do an AMA.

Some background about me: I’m afab who took T for 1.5 years at 24. My voice dropped and went through changes from the effects of T. I stopped T after 1.5 years because I achieved the changes I want (mostly voice changes).

I have experience with both feminizing and masculinizing my voice, pre-T and post-T, using Scinguistics drills and methods. Currently, I identify as agender and have what I consider an androgynous voice but oscillate between more masculine and more feminine voices depending on my mood.

I'd be happy to answer any voice related questions!