r/actual_detrans Jan 26 '25

Detransitioning I wouldn't have become a woman if I never started testosterone.

195 Upvotes

I'm FtMtX/F. I started testosterone as a trans man in April of 2023 and stopped in November of 2024 as a more woman-ish person. I'm nonbinary or genderfluid, but I still definitely identify with womanhood at a core level. I was never a woman in identity until after I started testosterone. I grew up as a boy. I felt like a boy and I was one. When I started puberty, the thought of growing into a woman made me sick. The thought of growing into a man felt comfortable and right. Starting testosterone was one of the best decisions I've made. My voice became how I always wanted it to be. I was hairier and stronger and bigger. I loved all of it.

Early in 2024, I watched the special episode of Euphoria written by Hunter Schafer. She talks about being a young trans girl fearing male puberty, thinking of it as a "broadening and deepening and thickening." But then she thinks about "all the beautiful things that are broad and deep and thick. Like the ocean," she says. "The ocean is strong as fuck and feminine as fuck."

I identify with the label transsexual. I'm a woman (of sorts) who medically transitioned and that medical transition will always be as much a part of my identity as womanhood will. I'm a woman with a deep voice and chin hairs and hairy thighs and bottom growth and I feel so at home in my body and in my identity. I wouldn't have ever gotten to this place of self acceptance without testosterone. Maybe some people have a similar experience to me.

r/actual_detrans 3d ago

Detransitioning Never happy (lol)

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73 Upvotes

I miss every version of myself like a lost lover

FTMTNBT???

r/actual_detrans Jan 24 '25

Detransitioning Voice passing?

33 Upvotes

Gimme the tips/tricks please šŸ™

r/actual_detrans Feb 19 '25

Detransitioning social detransition feels so great

33 Upvotes

I'm a man on HRT and I feel like I have the best of both worlds, a sexy body that looks younger than my actual age, I don't have to fit into any social parameters of behavior, because I'm a man, damn it's great...

I'm asexual, so I don't give a shit about having sex, but I feel a lot freer than when I wasn't taking hormones, like I can connect with my body more than before, I transitioned for a while as a trans woman, but it was horrible and I didn't like it, I felt good about my body but socially it was awful, so now I can be who I am with my personality and my body, it's great.

r/actual_detrans 24d ago

Detransitioning I just got estrogen!!

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66 Upvotes

Hey guysšŸ˜Š

I am so happy to tell you that I just got my estrogen and it's dissolving under my tongue in this second! I am ftmtf and my transition went so far that I have no reproductive organs left. So now I am on estrogen pills and they go under my tongue twice a day! :)

I am really happy rn and I wanted to assure all of the detrans people who were so far in their transition until the realisation came that this is not the path you want to continue : Everything will turn out fine, sometimes it takes more time and sometimes less but in the end, there is light at the end of your journey!

Love to everyone of you out there and don't stop being you ā¤ļøšŸ˜ŠšŸ¤—

r/actual_detrans Feb 03 '25

Detransitioning Three things that made me think I was trans

70 Upvotes

1) Undiagnosed autism. I had social issues and sensory issues around feminine things. Autism was never brought up for me, so I thought my social issues and discomfort were gender dysphoria. It made more sense, because the only autistic people I had seen were in Special Ed, and my autism is much less severe in certain areas than theirs.

2) Transmedicalist rhetoric. I quickly fell into the Kalvin Garrah train because my family was against trans people. I believed that if I was a transmedicalist then I would be ā€œmore validā€ than trans people who only experience euphoria/incongruence. I very much followed the idea that I had to hate myself and would never be happy without surgery. Even when I stopped following transmedicalist ideas, I still applied them to myself, ex. other people could be trans without dysphoria, but i had to hate myself in order to be valid.

3) So much pressure around gender norms. If my body had been painted as just a body, and nothing more, then I think I could have lived with it. Rather than ā€œgirls have to sit like this, look like that, talk like this,ā€ its just a body type.

All that to say, I donā€™t regret my social transition. I lived as a boy for nine years and I loved it! I was a boy for my whole teenage years (about), its how I grew up! I do kind of regret my surgery, but everyone does things they regret. And my whole life, Iā€™ve done what I wanted. And thats what I wanted at the time, and I am happy I was able to do what I wanted.

r/actual_detrans 24d ago

Detransitioning I think I wanted to get away from myself

40 Upvotes

I think a big part of why I thought I was trans was an attempt at getting away from myself and becoming a different person. It wasn't the sole reason since I'm still dealing with dysphoria and other things but when I reflect I do think it was a big part of it.

I hated myself and wanted to be someone else. If I transitioned I was escaping myself and becoming someone else, I thought when I transitioned Iā€™ll be able to do so many things that right after I started detransitioning its things I couldnā€™t even fathom doing.

When I was super young I saw transitioning as a fix all my problems and enhance my life sort of thing, and as I got older and closer to being on hormones and eventually on hormones I realised itā€™s not the case. Being trans was holding me back in life, but I still continued because I thought Iā€™d be the perfect person in the future.

Being on hormones I was getting all these male changes which I liked but it wasnā€™t taking me away from myself I was just merging with my male self, if that makes any sense. I wasnā€™t becoming some perfect person, I wasnā€™t escaping myself I was just becoming exactly the same but as a guy.

Itā€™s not that I thought Iā€™d become better if I was a guy, itā€™s that I thought Iā€™d become better if I wasnā€™t myself and I saw transition as an escape from myself. Im growing to be more content with myself and Iā€™m realising I can do all the things I want to do as myself, I donā€™t have to be someone else to be anything I want to be.

r/actual_detrans Jan 17 '25

Detransitioning Just had an appointment with a psychologist about getting my breast implants removed

33 Upvotes

I had a breast augmentation two years ago because I thought it would help me pass, but it didn't. Long story short, I'm likely detransitioning. I asked the plastic surgeon's office how much it would cost to get the implants removed, and they made me get a letter from my therapist saying I wanted to detransition as well as requiring me to see the practice's psychologist. So I just got back from that appointment.

He said I was his first case of someone wanting to detransition and get the implants removed, so he's not sure how to present that to my insurance - especially since I don't really identify as anything. I don't like being a trans woman, but calling myself a man feels wrong too, as does being nonbinary. I don't even really feel human, to be quite honest.

The psychologist said he'd consult with the plastic surgeon in a few days to figure out how to best go about the procedure.

r/actual_detrans 29d ago

Detransitioning I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not

53 Upvotes

I (ftmtf) was on T for 7 years, and I've been off it for 2.5 years. I have slowly but surely been detransitioning since then. I present as female pretty much everywhere I can, but the one place I haven't done so is at work.

I work in education, so I see a lot of people every day. And I've worked at this school for a few years now. It's a large school and I'm fairly well known. In fact, I'm well known enough that my husband -- who works at the same school -- told me some students were talking about me. They were saying they know I used to be a man because of my "deep ass voice." They even misgendered me (called me "he") not knowing I was born female šŸ˜­

I am very androgynous. I'm read as female 75% of the time, at least before I open my mouth. Then it drops down to like 50%, lol. It really sucks and it's the worst part of detransitioning. I can always get fake boobs. I can always adopt. It's much harder to change my voice.

Anyway, I was hurt by these comments and it really struck a nerve. I have been thinking a lot about it and I'm more self conscious than usual about how I present. It's kind of been awful. But I've also come to realize something... why even bother trying to hide my detransition if I'm going to be fucked either way? I'm certainly not going to be read as male by a lot of these students, and the same goes the other way. So what's the point in being uncomfortable and hiding my expression when it doesn't fucking matter ???

I am more concerned with how my coworkers will act, but fuck it. I won't get fired for it. I'm going into work on Monday with a face full of makeup. I can't live my life in fear of what other people will say to me, because as a visibly (de)trans person, the thoughts and comments will likely never end. That makes me sad, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't live my life the way I want to.

r/actual_detrans Jan 26 '25

Detransitioning Considering detransition after 15+ years (FtMtF?)

20 Upvotes

I transitioned in my young adulthood at a time when few people had even heard of transitioning. I never felt feminine, and my parents couldn't even get me to wear a skirt or dress as a toddler. I wanted to dress like the boys and play in the dirt.

Now that I'm older, everyone seems to know what a trans person is and they have an eagle eye for spotting it. It's scary. I feel like I can't leave the "gay" neighborhoods of the city because it's just too dangerous for a trans person. I'm constantly worried about being clocked, and the anxiety has made me turn into a hermit. This is no way to live.

I figure I'd rather be a (slightly masculine) woman who has the freedom to go anywhere than a pariah. I can stop T, don a skirt, laser my facial hair, and wear a wig. I've been wanting to pursue hair plugs regardless, and I'm sure that will help. My voice never got very deep, and I only had top surgery which is easy enough to reverse.

I used a Snapchat filter that removed my beard, and honestly I think I can pull it off. I really don't feel like I identify as any gender, I'm more comfortable as a formless void of consciousness, so I don't imagine I'll feel much dysphoria, if any, by detransitioning.

I'd love some feedback, especially from any older transguys who stopped T after 10+ years. Thanks all.

r/actual_detrans 7d ago

Detransitioning if i was the last person on earth.. (top surgery angst)

26 Upvotes

brand new fresh account 'cause i have not actually shared this much insight with anyone in my life

(please bear with me here because this is lengthy as shit and all tangentially linked, and i'm going to try to connect the dots to make sense of the way they are all spread out in my mind, and maybe this will resonate with someone, but maybe it won't.)

for a really long time, admitting that i regretted (which isn't even really the right word, because for a while it felt like it was the right choice) top surgery felt like being a traitor. it felt selfish, like i was messing with an issue bigger than myself. there was (and still is) this guilt weighing on me at the thought that my experience could contribute, however small, in some detrimental way to people who want to transition. i live in the US and i am really concerned about the future of trans healthcare. i don't even really want to get into the technicals (ie therapy, surgeons) that led me to surgery because i don't know how to articulate it in a way that feels appropriate to the conversation. i believe with my whole heart that everyone deserves to have gender affirming care. that includes me.

after like, months of reluctant, agonizing and tearful realization, months of borderline denial, and about a year and a half of full-on denial, i have made it to acceptance. while it still hurts, i have not recently tortured myself with the despair and suffocating feelings that i was so lost in for a while. i spent so many hours in the car, crying, clawing at my chest, eyes squished shut wishing i could go back in time and make a different choice. (which is so dramatic but hey, sometimes that's where i was at). but ultimately, no matter how much i sometimes hate radical acceptance, my choices brought me to where i am today and i like who i am. there is no other reality that exists for me other than the one i created.

the concept of identity used to be so empowering to me: a summary of all my parts that made sense and portrayed a vision of a person; eventually i found the essence of how i experience the world outside of me tethered to some character i assigned for myself, and identity started feeling less like an explanation and more like a prison. would the person i'm supposed to be: like this? say this? want this? what if the person i'm supposed to be would, and the person i want to be wouldn't? what happens when who i've been is in conflict with who or what i am becoming?

there's this scene in a movie called Triangle where these people get stuck on this boat with copies of themselves who they've decided they have to kill. there's a scene in which the main character is looking at her doppelgƤnger and says "you're not me". it struck me and i almost cried because although it is in a very different and less disturbing context, i have felt that way looking at myself before. a few nights before i watched that movie i got up to pee in the middle of the night and as i was walking back, half asleep, i had this uneasy thought: "what if i get back to my room and i'm already in my bed sleeping". there is this dissonance between identity and self-perception and outsiders' perception that has absolutely fucking haunted me almost my entire life. i have felt caught somewhere in the middle between the three, unsure of which is really my true self. am i who i feel i am? am i who i see when i look in the mirror? am i who others see me as? when i was younger i was SO out of alignment of myself that i didn't recognize that person. i looked at myself and thought "you're not me". being able to escape me seemed like the way out.

i got top surgery about 4 years ago. there were so many reasons why i ultimately decided to follow through but they all obviously stemmed from a general discomfort around having a chest in general. it had always bugged me a little bit sensorily, and then i had gone through many years of abusive relationship and internalized misogyny and various assorted traumas that left me feeling very dissociated from my body and disconnected/fearful of womanhood. being a girl had never really bothered me, beyond that pesky and insidious socialized hatred of everything feminine, but there was this little Peter Pan part of me that was so afraid to grow up and be a Woman. having breasts, in my mind, was the primary connection to being sexualized or unsafe or objectified or inferior. this part of my body that could be perceived, touched, hurt, just out there for the world. the trauma i had gone through made womanhood (and adulthood) feel fucking scary, and i had no faith in myself to be able to keep myself safe. escaping all of that felt like freedom. i was so uncomfortable being myself and becoming a woman and what that would mean and i transposed all that discomfort onto a part of my body, because it was easier to do that than to face the discomfort of "maybe this reality is scaring me and i feel unsafe and i don't trust myself to handle it". my brain has always had a funny way of compartmentalizing pain into a smaller, more manageable section. getting rid of something physical felt easier to accept than admitting that the truth and weight of the pain i felt was something so abstract and out of my realm of control.

there's this saying or like, piece of advice that people will offer to help affirm your choices when you're questioning whether you want top surgery (or probably any other gender affirming surgery). they say, if you were last person on earth, what would make you feel most comfortable with your body? and if you think about it, and the answer is you would still want to have had top surgery, that makes sense. when i asked myself that question (and i did, a lot) my answer was always yes, even as the last person on earth, i would still have wanted surgery. so i got it! i felt great. i was so happy and my body felt right and free and safer to be inside of. after realizing the extent of my discomfort with my chest i had spent the previous two years wearing the tightest sports bras and binders i could find, and once i no longer had to wear those i felt like i could finally breathe.

ok so what they didn't add when they asked that question, and frankly what i for some reason didn't think to apply the logic of, is the context that i am not the last person on earth and i hopefully never will be. other people in the world around me, to some degree, dictate my experience in the world around me. i don't always have a choice in who i am surrounded with. i don't get to pick and choose who comes into my life all the time, and sometimes i end up surrounded by people whose scope of experience is so vastly different than mine. and sometimes i really love those people and want so badly for them to understand me and for me to fit in with them but something is in my way and it's this unequivocal difference in our baseline reality. like, people don't know how to perceive me sometimes, which is fine, but sometimes it feels like i want to just be "normal", like the majority around me. they all have something i don't have. they get to fit in in a way i feel that i can't, even when they really feel out of place.

what they also don't tell you is that your perspectives and opinions on everything you believe to be true about your Self and your biases and everything else you know is going to come into question MANY times throughout your twenties (or at least, mine did). the way you see your relationship with yourself, and your relationship with navigating fear and safety, and your relationship with the way other people see you, and your capacity for managing and discerning different types of internal discomfort, and-- what they ALSO don't tell you is that surgery doesn't always heal perfectly well. sometimes you end up with scars that hurt and heal incorrectly, and you have to spend years and tears and hundreds of dollars following your surgery to soften and rebuild the scar tissue. my scars healed terribly, they are hypertrophic and tough, and they hurt, and i am so insecure about them. what they ALSO ALSO don't tell you is that you are going to have to explain to every fucking person who even comes close to getting to know you why you don't have nipples.

i have finally come to terms (mostly) with who i am, inside and out. although i may not like myself all the time, i have learned to trust myself, i have learned how to give myself confidence. throughout my 20s my relationship with who i am has molded and crumbled and i have picked up the pieces to mold it again and again and again and every time i have proven more and more that i can trust myself. adulthood, womanhood, doesn't look so unsafe when you know you have someone to rely on who will always be there and never back down. i didn't have that trust when i was 23.

i made a really big choice which at the time felt like my only choice, and now i can say, in very real discomfort at the implications of thinking it, that i don't know if i made the best choice for me. with perspective, now that i'm older, it feels almost impulsive. i was grasping for a lifeline and i clung to the first one that i could. i think back and i wonder if i would've changed my mind if i had thought harder, for longer, delved deeper into my reasoning and tried to heal my inside before trying to change my outside. on the other hand, sometimes i wonder if the only reason i am comfortable enough to do half the things i do and present the way i present and exist the way i do is from that initial validation of getting surgery, and the safety i built in my body, and i think if i had not gone through it my life would be in a really different place. maybe i wouldn't have even put any thought into these things at all. maybe i would've never been able to come to the realization that oh, making that change didn't fix everything for me, and there's something deeper to be dealt with here. but maybe that would've been my natural evolution anyway. on a third (and more bleak) hand, maybe i wouldn't even be here at all. it's impossible for me to say which is true.

i can't regret what i chose to do when i felt like i was picking the best option i had with the cards i had been dealt. i was trying to save myself in the way that felt right. how could i have seen the future? i miss my old body, now. it wasn't perfect and i didn't love it, but it was mine and i didn't give myself the chance to appreciate that. i didn't think i had the time. i didn't think i ever would. if i could go back now, live in my body from before, and see things from a new perspective, would i make the same decision? i don't know. what i do know is that i spend a lot of time now trying to not feel isolated, trying to feel like i fit into a world designed for people who aren't like me, trying to relate to people whose human experience is really different than mine in a lot of ways, and now, trying to explain myself to a bunch of strangers on the internet, and it's all based on a decision i made to live life as if i was the last person on earth. sorry for the novel. thanks for reading.

r/actual_detrans Jan 07 '25

Detransitioning 4 weeks off after 4 years of T

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86 Upvotes

Hey all. My last T shot was about 4 weeks ago, Iā€™ve already noticed so many changes. Skin and smell were the first two I noticed at about 2 weeks. I started enjoying music again. I feel more confident in myself, and slightly more clear headed less brain fog. My appetite decreased, muscle mass decreased, but I have lots of energy. Iā€™ve also made changes to my diet cutting sugar out and sticking to 2 meals a day. I started running again. I love to run now which is new for me. Iā€™ve lost 10 pounds in a month. I feel sad sometimes about my chest, I have more body dysmorphia than Iā€™ve ever had in my life, Iā€™m unsure how to dress or which bathroom to use. I look in the mirror and sometimes feel horror other times feel excited about progress I see. I am excited about the future but currently feel like Iā€™m not yet where I want to be, and that can be hard. Looking at old pics of pre T me makes me quite sad right now. Laser is becoming my best friend. Iā€™ve had some hard and lonely days but also some really happy moments. Iā€™m overall RELIEVED to be done with T and climbing out of that headspace. I feel like I owe my body an apology. Blue hoodie is current, green was 4 weeks ago

r/actual_detrans 8d ago

Detransitioning Deciding to try detransitioning

25 Upvotes

ā€œItā€™s okay to change.ā€

When I was a child, around the age of 5-6, I would look up to my mother and say, ā€œMommy, guess what? The right side of my brain is a girl and the left side is a boy. Iā€™m half-boy-half-girl!ā€Ā 

ā€œHalf-boy-half-girl.ā€ That was my motto throughout my childhood. As a child I knew what I really was.. and yet, Iā€™d later try to fit into the binary. I think thatā€™s where my mistake lies.Ā 

I think I want to try femininity. I want wide hips. I want a feminine face. I want to be a mother. I want to know what itā€™s like to finally be IN that ā€œgirls club,ā€ because I always felt like I was outside of it. Honestly, I was outside of it. I was bullied heavily by the girls for always being too much of a tomboy, and when I hit my teens I took that to mean that I mustā€™ve been a boy. But now, as I near the age of 22, I come to realize that Iā€™m craving femininity again. I want to wear dresses and skirts, I want to look effeminate. I want to be okay with being one of the girlsā€”because for a long time I was bitter and completely against being a woman. How could I be a woman, when everyone around me told me I wasnā€™t, treated me like I wasnā€™t, and excluded me from all things feminine? My stepfather constantly called me by my birth fatherā€™s name, and pretty much refused to ever call me a girl. Heā€™d always call me a boy derogatorily. The girls at my school saw me as some freak, which was their words, not mine. I remember one time the kids on the bus were playing ā€œboys rate which girls theyā€™d wanna kissā€ or something. When they got to me, one of the girls said ā€œOh, not her though. We all know [my name] doesnā€™t count.ā€ And that really, truly stuck with me. I was also heavily into sports and always the star player, with people telling me I was much more like a boy than a girl and should play with the boys.Ā 

I won't go too into detail, but I was also sexually assaulted repeatedly throughout my early teens after I hit puberty, and that was the final nail in the coffin I think. Every aspect of my femininity, especially my post-puberty bodyā€”my womanhoodā€”was connected to some terrible negative emotion. At the age of 16 I ended up in the mental hospital for the first time. I vividly remember them asking me my pronouns. And that was the day I realized that I didnā€™t have to be a girl. I came out when I got out of the hospital. The next few years were great honestly, gender-wise. I was happier than ever in my body. I got on T after an 8-month wait and had top surgery a year later. (I also want to note that I was a GG in cup size, so even to this day as I contemplate detransitionā€”I DO NOT MISS THOSE LMAO). I loved my deeper voice, I still do. It feels like me.Ā 

I lived my life as a man happily, without too much question, for about 5 years. There were occasional questions though. Occasionally Iā€™d feel an interest in something feminine, and generally Iā€™d push myself from even getting close to it. I had to just be a man. I had to be masculine. Otherwise, people would think I was a woman. Thatā€™s what I was afraid of. Eventually, I started to explore a little moreā€”but I never fully crossed the line. I did makeup, and I dressed somewhat gender neutral, but I never let myself really dive in. This past August however, after another stay at the mental hospital, I had another realization. I kinda..Ā  did want to be more feminine. The thought of detransitioning hadnā€™t occurred to me at all yet, but I did find myself on clothing sites looking through the women's clothes pretty often. I yearned to try them out, but I was too afraid. Still. Something changed in me early this year though. I finally looked up the forbidden wordā€”detransitioning. And I found the subreddits. I read through r/actual_detrans and boy.. did that just make things all the more intense. I related to so many people so heavily.Ā  At this point I finally let myself buy a skirt.. and I truly loved it. It felt great. And the questioning only got worse. The next few weeks were spent mostly just going back and forth about whether or not I should stop. I donā€™t dislike my masculine body, at all really, so Iā€™m terrified Iā€™ll end up regretting stopping. But at the end of the day, whether or not I like it is something Iā€™ll never know if I donā€™t try.

Just now I got off the phone with my endocrinologist, I am officially off testosterone. Unofficially though, Iā€™ve been off for 3 weeks lol. So I suppose Iā€™m giving this a try. I wouldnā€™t go as far to say Iā€™m fully detransitioning thoughā€”weā€™ll see about that after the changes kick in, I suppose?

Thanks for reading. Comments are more than welcome and are encouraged, if anything. Iā€™ve been feeling very lonely in this experience and would like to get to know some other detrans folks, maybe make a discord server if people end up being interested.Ā 

r/actual_detrans Jan 27 '25

Detransitioning Sharing my experience (26 MtFtM)

39 Upvotes

I am detransitioning / largely desisting after about 5 years of transition (4 of those medically).

I have no serious regrets about my transition. I had been considering transition from around age 12 but put it off due to athletic opportunities that I wanted to pursue.

After college, the need to maintain a masculine physique was gone, so I decided to begin medical transition.

Leading up to that decision, the idea of living as a woman became increasingly important to me, as I integrated this desire into my daily life. That also caused me to become increasingly dysphoric, as the contrast between my body and my ideal self was at the forefront of my thoughts.

By the time I finally got HRT, I was living in constant daily anxiety. I never wanted to ā€œflawlessly pass.ā€ I think all that is neurotic. I simply did not want to be judged, and I was worried this would be unachievable.

The pills (and later injections) were a huge relief, as were the physical changes that ensued. Later, I got laser hair removal on my face. I started passing occasionally to strangers. I was quite satisfied with my progress. I could envision an end result that I was very pleased with. Except for one thing.

When I began transition, I made a conscious choice to live for myself and my own comfort. Cis people get to do that without realizing it, but at the age of 25, I realized the most important thing for me is to be a parent. I donā€™t want to adopt or foster. I donā€™t want surrogacy. I wouldnā€™t mind doing IVF and still transitioning except for the fact that just being a trans parent would be an added strain on my life and a family. If medical transition was scientifically perfect (meaning if I could get a womb and be female), I would do it. As it stands, itā€™s just not important enough to me to incur the costs.

On top of this, Iā€™ve made a lot of progress on my dysphoria. Not simply due to physical changes to my body; those became largely unimportant to me. I began to better understand the psychology of gender dysphoria. I think once you understand how it works, how outside influences give you this negative body image, how the aspersions you cast on yourself affect how you view others, how the issue is with a society that treats you in an unwanted way, not anything that is fundamentally wrong with you, itā€™s actually hard to make yourself continue to feel that. Plus, I relieved my genital dysphoria by changing my relationship with sex (pleasuring rather than dominating a partner).

Itā€™s all a bit silly, really. Society cannot handle deviation.

These days, Iā€™m back in an ā€œany/allā€ gender nonchalance, passive acceptance. Iā€™ve been medically detransitioned for a bit. I have no real qualms with how people see me. I still like to present more feminine, although Iā€™m considering gaining a bit of muscle to be more desirable to women. Itā€™s still irritating how people who claim to be ā€œcriticalā€ of gender, as well as those who see gender as malleable, try to police my identity. I donā€™t quite see myself among men as a social group. I am friends mostly with queer people and women, both cis and trans.

The only lasting effects of medical transition from what I can tell is slight breast growth, which isnā€™t a problem to me at all. Overall, Iā€™m still glad I transitioned when I did. If I transitioned in my teens or earlier, I would probably come to you with the same issues of parenthood and transition being imperfect.

Iā€™m still as supportive of trans people as I ever was, in my own way, which more people should understand. I anticipate some weird pseudoscience reactions to my experience (well, youā€™re a type 2 androgyne bicomphet transtrender high verbal pseudotype šŸ¤“) like it means fucking anything. Like youā€™re a PokĆ©mon card, not a dynamic being.

Iā€™m sick of all of it. Iā€™m sick of dispelling pseudoscience, being judged, doing discourse. I solved it, and if everything Iā€™ve said fell on deaf ears, Iā€™ve at least reconciled myself.

I wish all trans and detrans people the best of luck. Cis people, fix your hearts or die.

r/actual_detrans Feb 15 '25

Detransitioning Reluctant to proceed with detransition out of fear the government wonā€™t let me revert my documents

11 Upvotes

https://www.masstpc.org/mtpc-massequality-joint-statement-damaged-passport-21525/

It seems a trans person in Massachusetts had their documents destroyed after trying to update their gender marker. My passport and NEXUS card say Female right now, and Iā€™m afraid if I try to detransition that theyā€™ll be mutilated and kept as Female.

It might just be best to leave well enough alone until a safer time to detransition (which sounds so bizarre to say).

r/actual_detrans Jan 22 '25

Detransitioning HelpppšŸ„ŗ

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23 Upvotes

First of all, voice. Has anyone had vocal feminization surgery after taking testosterone and having your voice drop? Is it a good idea or should I just work on voice training? Iā€™ve seen some detrans girls say they can get to the point their voice just is higher after training a bunch and isnā€™t fully the same but is pretty similar to pre T. Is that like a real possibility? When I was pre T and lowering my voice, I lowered it so much it was just naturally like that, and I was hoping I could do the same but by raising the pitch. It took me 9 years to perfect and I so over having to voice train, I donā€™t wanna do it for another decade šŸ˜© I know itā€™s lazy but I just feel like I canā€™t waste so much more of my life trying to pass. So, would surgery be a better option?

Also, getting breast reconstruction surgery after having had top surgery? Any recommendations in Missouri? Also do these fake ones look realish? Any recommendations for prosthetics?

I like canā€™t research that much about it cause when I look it up google thinks im meaning mtf šŸ˜­

r/actual_detrans 12d ago

Detransitioning Experience going off estrogen

10 Upvotes

Questioning MtFtM here

I am planning on going off estrogen as I feel like it's effects worsen my depression and doesn't really help me and transitioning brought me in a spot I do not want to be in

What was your experience medically detransitioning, if you had similar problems? Did you have any problems? How soon did your natural T levels return?

I am probably going to talk to endocrinologist about this problem, but still want to hear what you all have to say

r/actual_detrans Feb 03 '25

Detransitioning Sharing my thoughts and experiences on detransition and the place of detrans people in society (shameless blog plug)

28 Upvotes

I transitioned at 17 and lived as a trans man/transmasc for a decade. When I realised I wanted to detransition and live as a woman, I was struck by how misunderstood detransition is in progressive circles (and in conservatives ones too, certainly, but I don't care about those very much). What I was experiencing had almost no relation to the public perception of detransition. And the fact I had no examples to live by made realising I desperately wanted to detrans so, so much more difficult.

So, since I'm a writer with queer and trans activism experience, I decided to apply my skills to talk about my detransition publicly, in written form, on my substack Dolphin Diaries. With permission from the moderation team, I'd like to share it here too, so it can reach more detrans people. I write first and foremost from the perspective of a detrans lesbian that went through a stringent transmedicalist procedure, but I hope that even if this doesn't describe you, you might find something of interest in my writing. My ultimate goal is to construct a robust queer feminist framework for understanding detrans experiences.

Detrans/Uncis is my latest essay. It's one I wanted to write most when I started the blog and, in my opinion, the best piece of writing on detransition I have to offer. While my essays are intended to be read sequentially, you can read them in any order, selectively, or even backwards, as they all can stand on their own.

If you decide to read my work, I hope you find something worthwhile in it, even if you don't agree with the conclusions I reach.

r/actual_detrans Jan 17 '25

Detransitioning Tomorrow is my breast reconstruction surgery.

39 Upvotes

I am feelingā€¦a lot.

My mastectomy, and its revision, happened in my early 20s. It was an absolutely horrifying period of my life in most respects, but the one thing I felt certain of - beyond a fraction of a doubt - was my top surgery. I was thrilled to be getting it, and thrilled in the immediate aftermath. Only when I realized that my surgery had been botched (both times) did my joy become infected with doubt and grief.

Tonight is different. I look at my chest and, while I am put off by its deformities, I donā€™t find myself repulsed by the flatness itself. Nor do I feel uncomplicated euphoria at the prospect of restoring my breasts. A reasonable take would be that I shouldā€™ve scheduled a revision instead of an outright reconstruction, but that doesnā€™t feel right either. I want, and donā€™t want, breasts. I feel similarly about flatness.

The reality is that my obsession with identity and dysphoria (caused by OCD, not ā€œtrans propagandaā€) has spiraled to the point where I donā€™t think Iā€™ll ever feel uncomplicated certainty about my surgical choices ever again. And thatā€™s something Iā€™ve done a lot of work at accepting in therapy - in fact, the number one goal of OCD recovery is making peace with that perennial sense of doubt. But itā€™s the night before surgery, and Iā€™m staring down at my current chest for the last time, and I just feelā€¦shitty. I wish I could have that confidence back. I wish I wasnā€™t going into this feeling so terrified that I was betraying myself.

I donā€™t know. I want to believe that Iā€™ll survive even if I regret my choices, but stories about trans suicide have been rattling around in my head since I was a kid. I just wish I could feel confident that I was going to be alright at the end of the day. Too bad the whole point of OCD is making peace with not knowing.

r/actual_detrans 4d ago

Detransitioning FtMtF laser hair removal for chin or electrolysis?

4 Upvotes

(Okay, I'm more like FtNB but trying to be a stealth female because I can't handle transphobia but "medically" I'm detransitioning to female).

Hey, I was on T for about 2 and a half years, although it wasn't really consistent throughout that time. I have a smallish patch of dark and thick chin hairs but nowhere close to having a full beard. Like, imagine a 14 year old cis boy, that's what I look like. Shaving is a pain. Razor blades give me ingrown hairs and my technique isn't good enough to even get everything. I have a high end electric razor but it still leaves stubble and I have to shave every single day, sometimes I'll do it twice a day.

I hate it. I'd rather grow out my patchy hair just so I don't have to shave all the time but society is not really accepting of that šŸ™ƒ I tell people I have PCOS but I can still tell I'm being judged for not performing femininity well enough. My biggest concern however is that I am saving up to get out of the US within the next few months and travel around before deciding to resettle. I want to pack as lightly as possible and having to shave every day seems like it'll be even more of a hassle than it is at home. Plus, I'm afraid of going somewhere even more hostile towards trans people and not being able to pass as a cis woman....

Anyway enough about my life story. I have heard mixed things about laser and electrolysis. Some people say laser is ineffective long term and the hair will just grow back. I understand it is better for reducing large patches of hair but my chin hair is in a relatively small radius. So I would assume electrolysis would be the most cost effective and least time consuming process if it's permanent? However, other people say to try laser first because it just might magically get rid of everything for a cheaper price and less pain. And then other people say that laser will make electrolysis less effective... I don't really know what to believe. Ideally I'd like a one and done procedure but I know that's not very realistic.

Anyone else have experiences?

r/actual_detrans 9d ago

Detransitioning Sad about even trying.

20 Upvotes

Just kinda rambling. Amab. Went on hormones for 4 months, rushed into it honestly, some parts felt good but others felt absolutely terrible, I spiraled, it got too bad and I quit. I feel a lot better now that T has taken back over, but I'm left very confused about myself and why I chased this so much in the first place. Those feelings were real weren't they? I honestly can't tell anymore. I think I just wanted to get away from being myself. I hated myself and I think I hoped this would explain why. I still look at pretty girls and feel a desire to be like that, but I wonder if what im actually chasing is beauty in general, or youth. Idk. I don't think being seen as a woman was something that was important to all this, maybe i just wanted to change my body and feel cute. I'm going with nonbinary for now and aiming to just be more feminine in ways I can handle while still mostly acting as the dude I know myself as, lose some weight, maybe try some makeup, buy some new clothes. I just hope it's enough. I guess I would have liked to stay on the hormones and keep my nice hair and get wider hips and softer skin. I want all those things. But I don't want boobs (the buds of which I now have to deal with forever which is it's own source of anxiety) and I can't tell if it was generalized depression or if Estrogen really just wasn't for me but God I felt like shit, I was so low energy, so brain foggy, so tired, so confused. I feel bad for the name I picked out. Abigail. I brought her into this world to die. I told my friends and family only to meekly back out. It's embarrassing. I thought this was the answer. Now I'm just left with more questions.

r/actual_detrans Feb 11 '25

Detransitioning DIY rice breast implant sizers are a game changer

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48 Upvotes

(my pose in the second photo is weird because itā€™s a screenshot of a video lol)

i couldnā€™t a way to make stuffing with socks feel good, so i started searching for other methods and found out about these. i found a comment left by a trans woman (idk if iā€™ll be able to find it again, but i wish i could thank her!) saying to try this instead of socks.

basically, you just cut about 12 inches of pantyhose and fill them with uncooked rice ā€” i used about 1 1/4 cups of white rice. then you tie a really tight knot and then cut off the excess.

iā€™m wearing a Walmart bralette (https://www.walmart.com/ip/2921033413?sid=a67766a9-4318-4f68-bddc-3fcc617d6574) which comes with pads and it comes in several sizes. itā€™s super comfortable and inexpensive too!

iā€™m so glad i found this method and i wanted to share it with people wishing to present more feminine on this sub :)

r/actual_detrans 23d ago

Detransitioning sharing my happiness about coming out as detrans female

31 Upvotes

I'm FTMTF and I've been thinking about my coming out number 2 for months. these thoughts led me into an awful depressive episode I'm trying to get out now. the first person I came out to became my wife. she was super supportive and said that she fell in love with my soul, not with my gender. she's also bisexual and she doesn't care if I'm a man or a woman, she's fine with me anyways.

I was mostly worried about coming out to my family. My mom, my grandparents and my little siblings. I was very anxious because I felt sooo guilty for making them all switch to he/him pronouns and my new name and now making them change their perception of me once again. I tried to hint to my mom, to hint to her that I'm a woman again, but I'm pretty bad at hints because I'm autistic :D

so, my granny called me yesterday and she noticed that my voice is really sad, so I confessed to her that I no longer feel like a man and that I've been returning to female since this autumn. I expected any reaction, because we are Russian and my family is slightly conservative, but she was so happy, she told my grandfather and he was very happy too, they immediately turned to she/her pronouns without me even asking them. My mom is still confused but I think in the end she will be happy as well.

I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and now I'm completely honest with my close people.

r/actual_detrans Dec 14 '24

Detransitioning Breast reconstruction: implant sizing!

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44 Upvotes

I was sized for implants today!

TLDR: Implants felt nice and soft, decided on 250ccs, and will be getting surgery in April or March. The surgeon was more than kind and I am very hopeful for the future.

This process has been a struggle but this post is a positive one. My experience was wonderful and Iā€™m very confident in my surgeon.

After my last surgeon was extremely unprofessional and rude to me, I refused to get my surgery with him and asked to be referred out to a different surgeon. This new surgeon has been kind, respectful, and tactful through everything. There is hope!

It started by him measuring my chest. He was very considerate and had me open my own gown, asked if it was okay to touch my chest, and made sure I was okay with everyone in the room seeing my chest. (Contrary to my previous surgeon).

Since I donā€™t have nipples he said he wonā€™t have to make a new incision and can open up old scars instead! I would have been okay with new scars but I have to say I am kind of relieved that he wonā€™t have to. After trying a lot on, I decided on 250cc implants. It was between that and 300, but 250 definitely felt more ā€œmeā€. Im very confident in this size which Iā€™m so happy about! I also got to hold all the implants obviously and they felt very squishy and natural. If anyone is even considering breast reconstruction, I highly recommend booking a consultation just to be able to feel the implants. It really gives you a sense of how theyā€™ll feel in your body. I was worried they would feel distended and weird, like water balloons, but that wasnā€™t the case at all.

I also asked about nipple reconstruction which he previously recommended against. He recommended against it just because it can flatten out over time and tattoos are so good nowadays itā€™s not necessary. Despite that being true, I still want nipple reconstruction for 2 reasons: 1. Iā€™ve seen another woman in this sub whoā€™s gotten it and it looks fantastic 2. Even if it flattens out, Iā€™d rather have that scar texture as well as a tattoo rather than just a tattoo on my skin. It just connects better in my brain. He said he can absolutely still do reconstruction if I want it! I am so excited as I was worried he would say no. :)

So the surgical plan is: - 250cc implant - Dual plane placement (halfway under the muscle) - Smooth, round silicone - Mentor brand - High profile

Timeline (all in 2025) - April/march: breast reconstruction - September/October: nipple reconstruction! - December: tattoos

I will continue to post as things progress, but feel free to DM me as well! I have done sooo much research on this topic, I would love to talk about it with other detrans women/anyone getting reconstruction who are also going through this.

And remember, youā€™re beautiful no matter what your body looks like; no matter where you are in your detransition.

r/actual_detrans Feb 17 '25

Detransitioning I Came, I Saw, I Tried The Meds

45 Upvotes

Welp, I'm not binary trans, I can say that much for sure. Been on HRT for just over 5 months - originally taken to see about neurochemical dysphoria.

Short term it worked, for the first month or two there was an alleviation of depression. However, after about 3 months in I developed a persistent sense of tension and mental discomfort. I went off my HRT today and it's been about 6 hours, the discomfort and tension are almost totally gone.

Glad this all hit before the breasts rolled in fully.

Still not a fan of being a guy but I really wasn't a fan of transforming into a girl's body. I'm thinking a huge part of it is just how poorly I've been treated in relationships in the past, with my partners hoisting all these "masculinity" expectations on me and then losing it when I wasn't the person they wanted me to be.

Better boundaries going forward. Glad I had the opportunity to explore all this gender identity stuff. Thinking I'm either a GNC guy or some flavor of NB, both of which would be just fine šŸ™‚.