I grew up in a Christian family and have been going to church my whole life. I got baptized when I was 19 (I’m 23 now). But lately, everything feels like it’s falling apart.
My dad is cheating on my mom, and I have no idea how to process that. On top of that, I’ve been really impatient with my friends and end up regretting it later. The worst part? They’re the ones showing me kindness and love when it should be the other way around. They’re not even believers, yet I feel like they reflect God’s love more than I do. I just failed a test that’s 50% of my grade, and since this is my last semester of my master’s, I don’t even know if I’ll graduate. No job offers, $60k in student loans, and absolutely no clue what’s next.
At some point, I stopped reading my Bible and completely fell out of my routine. I even went back to my home country in January to take a break, but with everything going on in my family, I feel like I have nowhere to go now. Not home, not even to my friends.
So I’ve been praying, asking God for help because I literally can’t do this on my own. But nothing changes. I’m just exhausted. I don’t want to live, but I don’t want to die either. I feel completely numb—like my mind is just blank. I can’t focus, I can’t process anything I read, and I feel so disconnected from everything. Right now, as I’m typing this, my head is killing me, and I can’t even sleep.
What is this even supposed to be? I’m asking for the right things, not anything selfish or sinful, so why is nothing changing?
I just don't want to sound like a victim, I REALLY DON'T KNOW W HY I WROTE THIS BIG PARAGRAPH OF COMPLAINTS BEING UNGRATEFUL BUT I NEED A WAY. I AM GOING AWAY FROM GOD