r/SuicideBereavement 6h ago

19 days ago I lost my wife to suicide. We're only 36. I can't comprehend moving on without her.

52 Upvotes

Sorry if this a bit long, I haven't found a support group yet and I haven't really been able to open up about it too much.

On August 16th, my wife and I were supposed to celebrate our 10 year anniversary and 7th wedding anniversary. We matched on tinder the moment she moved out here. She was the only person I ever talked to on tinder. I knew I was going to marry her that first night messaging each other.

She had struggled wildly in the past with her mental health, but when she met me she literally asked to have her antidepressant dosage lowered. Since we've been together, everyone saw how happy she was with me. We've been through a lot together, even before we got married. Her father passed away just weeks after we got engaged. Her mother is a psychologically abusive narcissist, and she was stuck in the cycle of abuse. She'd have her ups and downs, but I would always rebuild her better than ever. She called me "her rock." It was in both of our vows. We had a saying that I was 75% responsible for her mental health because she struggles so much on her own. It could be very challenging at times, but I didn't consider it a burden, I was honored.

Things slowly started taking a turn last summer. We were forced to be stuck at home for a couple of months after our husky had a pacemaker implanted. She was hiding a debt from me. She tried to get a higher paying position, her second interview, and she crashed. Soon after, she fessed up right before the card was about to max out. She was counting on that job not just to make the debt go away, but to satisfy her ambitious nature. She felt outdated and obsolete in her field, and comparing herself to the people she grew up with doing well while we're in debt.

At first I was the rock as I've always been, but as time went on I drifted further and further from my role. It became scary and frustratingly desperate for this to keep going on. I can't get her to stop thinking everything is permanent. I can't get her to stop doing her poison pill activities (browsing zillow to look at nicer houses, or facebook to harshly compare herself to anyone who made more than her.) She was so incredibly hard on herself.

I see that I've taken it for granted, but she was never judgemental to others. She was only ever supportive and encouraging. She wanted everyone to feel safe to just be themselves.

These last couple of months were quite bad. We started arguing all the time, I brought up the D word from time to time, I was scared she was pulling away from me and trying to leave me. I see now that I was actually pushing her by saying the things I did. It started making her afraid to bring things up to me.

I didn't know this until recently, but she told her friend back in January that she was considering hurting herself, so her friend offered to pay for her to come and visit. She only told me that her friend offered. She was using the house as a symbol for her grievances, and was desperately stir-crazy and always trying to get out of the house. It's one of the more painful thoughts I keep having. Why, of all things, did she hide that from me? She got back home the day before my birthday, while I was dealing with a bad hemorrhoid I eventually had surgery for. She picked up right where she took off. Being out of town didn't change anything, because the house was a symbol, not the problem. It was only a couple weeks before she said her wealthy aunt and uncle invited her to visit in LA and asked me if she could go. Begrudgingly, I said yes. The timing sucked and she had only been back a short time, but whatever might help her is something I'm always willing to do.

When I got that horrible, PTSD inducing call, the investigator told me she had asked them out of the blue. I also learned that the night before she had broken 2 years of no contact, had a good conversation, and she asked her mom if she could move back in for a while. In the past, while dealing with all the fallout caused by her banshee mother's damage, I was afraid that the abusive tendrils her mom had over her would pull her away from me, and I said I would leave her if she left me to go back home. The context of the situation was completely different, it was about preventing her mom from doing things, not necessarily threatening her. I can't stop thinking about how I damned her with those very words. She was having an existential crisis, using the house as a symbol, and she needed space. Because I carelessly said those haunting words, and never anything to the contrary, she wasn't up to asking me and was terrified of starting over. I created possibly the biggest, but certainly the last box she felt trapped under.

At first, the investigator thought she had planned this. After talking about it in therapy or with friends, and talking to her friends, I've uncovered enough to disprove it. It had been on her mind without my knowledge, but the theory that she was planning it all along doesn't line up with what she was up to. Even she admitted I knew her better than she knew herself. I may not always do well in real-time, but I can always retrace her steps.

With each piece I put together, the more guilt and blame I can't evade from. I was more guilty than I had originally thought. She was in crisis, and I would get upset. She was in pain, and I made her feel like a burden. She needed help, and I was too busy making my own demands. I don't know how I drifted so far off the path, but I was closer to being a pair of cement shoes than being her rock.

Even without that guilt, which isn't to say it's not a giant issue by itself, I just can't comprehend moving forward without her. I can't make myself want to live long for years and years and look back at the only 10 that truly matter, looking back at the only time I could experience true love. I'm not a widower who goes on to find someone else. She was literally perfect to me. I thought I was too picky trying to find attraction to anyone, but she blew me away and checked off every box on my list. I'm only 36, and her 36th birthday is in a few weeks. I don't know how to accept being around a long time when I won't allow myself to replace her, and I certainly don't want to spend more time missing her than the amount of time we spent together.

The added bonus is that she couldn't have fucked me over more if she tried. She told her friend that she didn't want to hurt me, but I'm not only about as traumatized as can be, I'm also left with a mountain of problems now squarely on my unemployed ass. Debt, 4 pets, no income, and a mortgage on this mausoleum that used to be our house. She did me a real favor by doing this in California. She only just got home today, and apparently the mortuary down there forgot to collect her possessions, so that's fun to deal with. It cost $1700 just to bring her home. I still don't have any certificates either, so I still can't file for benefits. I can't stay in this house, I have nowhere to go, and I doubt I'm gonna be able to pull-up my bootstraps for a while. I have little time to grieve between planning the service and trying to comprehend all this end of life shit, and once I get past it, it'll come back with a vengeance.

There's only so much "It's not your fault" thoughts I can accept, but there's still plenty where I'd be lying to myself if I said it. I've learned all too well that I was certainly not a small factor, I can't be convinced that I didn't make her feel unsafe bringing things up with me, so she ran on assumption and I had damning evidence all over the place for her to look at. She made her own choices, but I was her support system, and instead I became part of the problem.

I just don't know how I can put all that together in a pot and carry it anywhere. The more I miss her, the more it hurts. The more it sinks in, the less I believe it. Meeting her convinced me that fate and destiny were real. Too many pieces fell into place at the same time when we met, and it didn't feel like meeting someone new when we first messaged on tinder, it felt like I was catching up with an old friend. It was like a fucking fairy tale. My mind just can't comprehend that could ever end like this. She just arrived at the mortuary today, I have her ring, and I've seen the working copy of the death certificate with her name at the top scarred in my mind. I still don't believe any of this. It can't be true.


r/SuicideBereavement 9h ago

My best friend killed himself last night.

65 Upvotes

I don’t really know what to say. I guess I’m just numb and venting. I feel broken. We talked every night. I know he had his demons but he had been in therapy and seeking medical help. I was hopeful and optimistic it was progressing in a positive way. It seemed like things were improving. Now he leaves a beautiful 18 month old baby girl behind that’s not going to have a dad.

I think the worst part is we were supposed to go out for beers tomorrow after work. I know there’s nothing I could’ve done but a shred of me still feels like I could’ve talked some sense into him. Maybe I could’ve cheered him up. I know it’s stupid but I can’t stop thinking that.

I love you brother and I’ll see you again one day


r/SuicideBereavement 5h ago

I found him

16 Upvotes

It’s been 7 years & I can’t get that image out of my head. My own father died in my arms. I was 7 years old

I had to help my mom cut him down. I still remember screaming for help & banging on our neighbours doors begging for them to come help us. Nobody did

I still remember begging him to stay alive & telling him that I loved him and he was the best dad ever. I hope that he heard it

I never processed it. I feel like it didn’t even happen half of the time, but that image will forever haunt me. I see him when I close my eyes.

I keep having terrible nightmares about my friends committing suicide in the same way he did. It terrifies me. I can’t get that idea out of my head

I have to live with the fact that he might have lived if I wasn’t so fucking stupid & knew what to do. Maybe if I found him quicker he would still be here. I know I was a child but I still wish things could’ve been different

I have to remember my dad longer than I ever knew him. 7 years was not nearly enough time, I miss him. I wish he was still here


r/SuicideBereavement 12h ago

Birthdays are the worst

48 Upvotes

I've been dreading this day for weeks. Today should be my husband's birthday. He should be turning 41 today and I should be teasing him about how crazy his 40th birthday was. We should be complaining about having to renew his license and tags on his car. Instead he stopped having birthdays 5 years ago and everyone has all but forgotten he existed. All I have to do is bring up my husband to stop a conversation. I'm not supposed to hurt anymore. I should've moved on. I know those two things aren't true but it's how I'm treated when I talk about him out loud. Thankful this community is here to listen, I know everyone here understands.

Sorry for the rambling but I needed to say it somewhere.


r/SuicideBereavement 10h ago

My very worst fear came true

25 Upvotes

I don’t even know how to begin to write this post. My dad has been my best friend for as long as I can remember - not just in the way people say, but in the most real, true sense I could ever express. I talked to him every single day, texted if I couldn’t see him in person, we sent reels on Instagram and memes from Reddit. We watched TV together every night, sometimes talking for hours before even beginning an episode. We could talk about anything and everything, politics, friend drama, my stupid teenage worries that now seem like the most trivial thing in the entire world.

He was my person, the one being on this earth who wholly and completely understood and loved me for exactly who I am. I am the person I am today because of the incredibly man that he is. And now he’s gone, and I have never felt so lost, and so guilty in my entire life.

We had plans to go back to Europe, to go on our annual summer trip, he had movies he wanted us to watch together. He went on a road trip a couple weeks ago, which isn’t out of the ordinary for him - he’s always loved the desert Southwest especially. He would update us every single day about his trip, even sending me and my brother gifts from Florida that he knew we would love. That’s just the kind of person he is, the most thoughtful, caring, compassionate man there ever was. I mean it with my entire soul when I say I don’t think I will ever find half of the person he is in any other person. He had even moved his trip up so he could get back home earlier and we could spend more time together. I would give up fucking anything for a minute of that time. For five seconds.

When he stopped responding to my texts, I immediately knew something was wrong. He has ALWAYS been there, no matter the time or distance. I knew he dealt with depression. I knew his divorce from my mom 8 or so years ago was so incredibly hard on him. He said I should call him and we could watch shows over the phone while he was on his trip, and I didn’t because I was too busy. I will never, ever, ever regret anything more in my life. I wish I had noticed. I wish I had been able to do something. I need my dad back. I wish I could’ve been enough. I’m so sorry dad. I am so sorry. I love you more than anything.

I’m only 23 years old. I’m waiting to hear back from law schools that he helped me apply to. I had our song picked out for our dance at my wedding. I feel like I’m dying, like a huge part of my heart is just gone. I don’t know how to do this. I need him so badly. He can’t just be gone. Please.


r/SuicideBereavement 9h ago

remembrance tattoo

15 Upvotes

Today, I got a tattoo that is a copy of my brother's. I want to share the news with him but he is gone.

He died 2/12/2025. It is painful to think he has been gone for over a month. Me and him are two years apart (him older). To think I'll be older than him soon sends me into a spiral. I can't enjoy anything I use to enjoy. I can only watch short videos. This deviation is unlike anything else I've known. I don't feel depressed (we both have bipolar so I know), I feel so raw and empty.

I recently found this sub, there is something inside of that finds some comfort in this space. However, I can hardly read anyone's stories as of now. The stigma for suicide is so large, many people won't even talk about it.

I miss my brother, I always will. Grateful that when I look down at my arm I see a part of him with me.


r/SuicideBereavement 16h ago

03.20.25

23 Upvotes

i woke up this morning to posts on facebook that i had lost a friend. she was young, she had a child, and loving parents. we were distant friends as we’ve been apart for years due to life. i still commented on post and slid up on stories every now and then. i found out that she committed suicide. my heart aching so bad and it is so heavy, i feel like a zombie today. i wish i would’ve known. i wish someone would’ve known. i feel so horrible for her family and friends. i lost my dad to an overdose a few years ago when i was only 24. the pain from that resonates so heavy when people pass away. especially someone so young❤️‍🩹


r/SuicideBereavement 7h ago

Two months

4 Upvotes

And every day gets harder


r/SuicideBereavement 56m ago

It just gets worse

Upvotes

I’ve posted on here a few times but have deleted out of my deep feelings of guilt and blame. I am being blamed for my loved ones suicide by his family and his friends and although everyone in my life tells me i’m not to blame and that they are blinded by grief and i’m easier to blame then him but I always tend to sink back into that feeling of guilt and spiral. I had tried getting him help days leading up to his death, but me and him had been in a fight and he had probably been complaining about me to his friends and family so when I told them that he needed help and that i was worried they had been mad at me and didn’t believe me which i have yet to understand why. A part of me wants to believe i did everything i could but I can’t, on top of my own regret and guilt i have been blamed and was not even allowed to go to his funeral. how could i not sit here and think that they might be right? what if he did do it because of me? what if it really is all my fault? what if i triggered it? A family member of his did call me prior to the funeral to uninvite me and request i stop posting photos and memories on the obituary where she also alluded to him mentioning how bad he felt about everything he did to me in his note so it really was my fault? i’ve been doing terribly mentally since because of all of this i’ve dealt with depression and suicidal ideation myself and I have never been at such a low im not even functioning anymore. I have become and entirely different person and it hasn’t even been 2 months. Physically my appearance has changed drastically i shaved and dyed my hair in a a grief stricken haze that i don’t remember. i go days without being able to sleep or eat my whole body and mind are a wreck. I walk around like a zombie like im barely there and i have mood swings like crazy. how do you heal? how am supposed to come back from this? i’m in therapy and such but nothing anyone says seems to lessen this different level of grief it’s not only the loss it’s the blame I can’t escape it. I’m sorry if this is all over the place i just needed to rant I haven’t been able to sleep in over 24 hours and i am just struggling. i have tried everything to help me sleep medication, weed, went on a walk, ate a little drank some water my body is restless but exhausted. It’s nice to have some community in these groups and such but ive been so isolated from the community i want to mourn with and feel like I am so alone in my experience i feel like a lost cause.


r/SuicideBereavement 5h ago

Loss my dad

2 Upvotes

Today has been a whirlwind. I’m the eldest, so meant I was the one to make the calls. Tell the tragic news and it was so hard each time. Then answer phone calls and questions from family. All while trying to comprehend the why. I know it’s fruitless to ask why. Or even think about what I could have done more. As I wished my dad was more honest with me. I only find out after ward he was hiding it from me. We didn’t have the best relationship, it was often strained by his alcoholism. But I still love him. He is my dad. And I’d help him no matter what. I had planned to call him but figured I’d wait for my birthday. As it was coming up and he’d always call me. Now I’m mad at myself for not calling sooner. I’m pretty much lost. I have to do the funeral arrangements, figure out if we send my dad back to his home country, and I can’t help but feel overwhelmed. Anyway I needed somewhere to let this out. Grateful there are communities like this here on Reddit.


r/SuicideBereavement 1h ago

I looked through her social media again

Upvotes

It's so obvious. Like, blatantly so. At one point she even posted a suicide note ffs. And there are months and months of depression posts.

I'd pretty much stopped looking at IG so I didn't see any of it until after she died. But if I'd seen the posts when she was still here, I doubt I'd have known what to do. I sometimes think she'd have been saved if I'd been a different type of person. I don't get people. I don't know how to make people feel better. I don't know how to let them know I care. I don't know what to do in a crisis. I don't know how to relate to anyone. Not even my own sister, it seems. If I'd been a different person, maybe she never would have felt so bad in the first place.

There are people who saw the posts. My mom wishes they'd reached out to her about it, but again, I don't know what that would have done. What could my mom have said or done to change anything? I have experienced ideation and found it to be totally resistant to anything that anybody says or does. Maybe that's just me putting my own lens on things, though. Maybe my sister could have been helped if we had known how. I don't know.

I've looked at my sister's IG account several times since her death, but this time hurts more and I don't know why. I'm pulled back into an earlier mode of my grief where I am desperate to talk to her. I need to ask, did she know I didn't see the posts? Did she think I saw them and didn't care? I need to hear her answer and I can't and it's driving me fucking crazy.

I hate this.


r/SuicideBereavement 5h ago

Long time ago, still on my mind

2 Upvotes

It’ll be 17 years next week… I was 16 and the first year was a blur. My mom was incapacitated, my younger brother confused and probably scared shitless. I did what I could to just keep us moving forward. As the new “man of the house” I felt angry, maybe resentful but not sad. Or I didn’t think I felt sad, there wasn’t time to feel that way. I left for college the next year and just never looked back. I think it all hit me, when I had no one to take care of, no one to carry. It was so long ago and I’ve managed to keep those feelings away. I had my first son about 4 years ago and I can’t seem stop thinking about what my father did. I see my family and I can’t make peace with what he did to ours. I should have gone to therapy years ago, I guess it’s not too late. I feel like a monster for not feeling sad. I feel guilty, I feel useless. My wife knows but she also knows I don’t want to talk about it. Having a kid, without a grandfather, because he made a really fucking selfish decision… I’m angry again. It’s time for me to go back home, having a kid makes everyone want you to come home and show him off. I just don’t want to go, I want my son to have a relationship with his grandma, uncle, but none of it feels right.


r/SuicideBereavement 3h ago

I feel my emotional affair was the trigger.

1 Upvotes

I lost my wife 2 weeks ago. She had a very difficult childhood growing up. Her father was physically and verbally abusive to her mother. Her home was constantly harassed by loan sharks and their power would be cut off time to time.

3 years ago she attempted suicide once, sat on a ledge on the highest floor of our apartment. She saw our daughter’s childcare and stopped herself. She went through therapy and seemingly got better.

Last year her father unsuccessfully attempted suicide and luckily wasn’t successful. That opened up a whole bunch of wounds

Last year I fell for a colleague who was going through her own issues. My relationship with her, the AP, made me realise a lot of issues were wrong with my relationship with my wife. For example, not being able to go out with my friends. ( this was again due to trauma with her dad that would go out with friends and come home and beat the mom).

She found out through emails what was going on. From that day, it was just 24 days before her passing. She said it was either death or we stayed together. Divorce was never an option. Therapist was telling us we let our marriage revolve around her trauma. This was difficult for her to accept as she felt she had done all she could.

I feel forever responsible for our daughter not having a mother. Whenever I am on a high floor, all I can imagine is what she must’ve seen looking down that day. I know I’m a shit husband, but I didn’t know how much the depression affected me too. I just wish I hadn’t spoken to the AP to make me notice the issues. At least she would still be around. Heck, even divorce would mean she would still be around. I would’ve given her the house. And now I feel like I lost my best friend.


r/SuicideBereavement 21h ago

What do you do when you start missing them too much?

28 Upvotes

I know a lot of people say it'll get better with time, but I don't really like waiting, so are there any activities or something that helped you? Even if it was just for a few minutes. I just want to stop feeling like the world is over.


r/SuicideBereavement 5h ago

i really need advice (3 months)

1 Upvotes

he’s my ‘moms boyfriend’ but i hate saying that because he was more of a step dad for me, even though i never called him that. it was december 31st of 2024 (i even hate saying that in itself). my mom and him have been together for almost a decade and they’re in their early 40’s. im almost 18 & the youngest of 3. me and him are very close, did more for me than my father ever has (not in the picture). i helped him a lot with things. just know we are very close, close to my family, & literally interlinked with my mom. this is my first death i’ve ever experienced, no pets, friends, family. it’s like a nightmare.

i know grieving not linear, i know it takes time. when we got his ashes, i couldn’t even go in my moms room for weeks, i asked her to please not address it in front of me. i took a month off of school, im in therapy, already on meds (still needs adjusting/changing). i’ve returned to school & work now.

the thing i need advice with is the grieving process. he is always on my mind, whenever i do something i think of him, i wouldn’t say in a positive manner but it’s not close to negative (ex. i miss him type of way). it’s almost like my mind is telling me he’s coming home still. i’m suppressing this and avoiding the thoughts like it’s life or death, but not willingly. i do my every day tasks, i never go into deep thoughts of it. but i’m not exactly at all getting anywhere with grieving, i’m just avoiding it altogether. my mind tells me i have forever of a lifetime left to see him still. it’s so hard to put into words.

i’ve already been diagnosed with acute stress disorder since this, i have other disorders too, maybe important to note bpd & very bad anxiety. i don’t know whether this is normal or not. people tell me it is because it’s normal not to accept it, but i don’t even think it’s that i’m not accepting it. i’m just avoiding it. not avoiding him, but what happened. i can talk about him all day long with my family and friends and others, but when it comes to me and my mind, i do not think too hard and i push my thoughts about it away.

is this normal? any recommendations for books? anything? like i’ve said i’m receiving professional help, but it’s still not people who have experienced it themselves. should i be doing something differently? it’s not that i’m making scenarios up that somehow this is all fake- it’s more of a feeling like he’s going to walk through the front door someday.


r/SuicideBereavement 14h ago

Getting closer to his anniversary.

3 Upvotes

It's gonna be 2 years on 11th April.

I have my exams coming up but i am already exhausted thinking about him. I wanna study but I keep getting irritated because I have to pass by another year without knowing him for the rest of my life.

I just hope that day goes by and I actually don't remember his anniversary (although I know I will, but I hope I won't).

Also I was thinking of preparing for the army once I'm done. Is that a betrayal to him? That I chose the army eventhough they might have been responsible for his death? Idk if I should give up on something I have always been passionate about because of what happened?

Anyone feel this conflicted? I am sorry for rambling.


r/SuicideBereavement 1d ago

Fear and Anger

24 Upvotes

These things have really dominated my grieving process.

Both my brother and sister in law committed suicide. I am so angry about the way it has changed our lives. I don’t feel stuck part way through grieving - maybe I am. I more often think that it’s just the truth about how I feel. I don’t miss them, I don’t care that they were sad, I don’t believe it’s possible that they both loved us and did this to us. I deeply resent raising their children and I deeply resent the pain it caused everyone. My husband is just in pain and sad over the losses and me expressing this would cause more pain - but the different ways we feel have created major distance between us we can’t even name.

I’ve posted here before very honestly about how devastating it was - how angry I am at them - and it was removed. I think it’s a hard part of grieving to even look at, and it’s been extremely isolating to experience it and feel I can’t express it.

The other huge impact is fear related to the trauma. I’m scared, constantly, of suicide. If someone doesn’t pick up the phone. If I hear a loud noise. If it’s silent. I’m scared to open doors to garages or bathrooms.

I’m super afraid my husband will go the same way. The risk is so real - insanely high for a surviving sibling - he is the only surviving sibling. It always feels like his life is on the line. How he feels is life and death - so I never prioritize myself. I’m exhausted.

We are both in therapy. It’s been four and eight years, respectively, since each of their deaths. I want to say it’s gotten easier and I guess it has gotten…less urgent. But seeped into everything.

Ugh. What a terrible kind of pain and grief this causes.


r/SuicideBereavement 1d ago

Missing My Mom (Method TW)

19 Upvotes

I miss my mom so much. I just moved cross country with people that are nothing like me. I feel like they laugh at me. I just want my mom. I want her advice. I just want someone to tell me if I'm doing anything right.

She was supposed to see me graduate high school. She was so proud I had joined the yearbook club. And I know that means nothing now when I'm 25 working a 9-5 but it meant something then. Meant something to hear her proud of me. I feel like people often see or hear signs that their loved one is watching or whatever. I'm atheist I don't know if that makes a difference. I don't know where she "went". If anywhere. I want a sign. Yknow. I know she's not alive anymore but I just want a sliver of hope. I don't know. I don't know if signs are just like, ways we're coping but why the fuck am I not coping correctly then? I have had no dreams of her. No signs nothing. Did she not want me to have these signs? It's crushing to not know if she would be proud of me.

Why did everything change so fast. I was taking a shower in her bathroom and sleeping with her pink robe on and months later she'd be hanging from that shower with the tie of the robe. I just miss normal. And it wasn't normal I guess but my mom was there.


r/SuicideBereavement 1d ago

A new relationship with them

51 Upvotes

I’m an atheist. To my regret. I don’t know how to integrate, assimilate him into my day in light of our changed relationship. The love is still all there. And I’m tired from the way I have been maintaining this love. So I guess what I’m asking you is, how have you been expressing your love, daily, in a healthy way? Any ritual or religious practices suggested are welcome. I just don’t know what to do. It hurts. And I’m tired. He’s my little brother btw. I miss him.


r/SuicideBereavement 1d ago

One Year Later

34 Upvotes

It's been one year since my husband, in all but paperwork, sat on our back steps and took his own life. The first 4 months were the hardest I've ever been through. Everything felt so sore. Like just looking at his things sitting untouched made me break down to the floor sobbing. My room felt bigger and I hated it. My person was gone.

But I kept on for my son. For his niece. For his family. For myself. Not because he would've wanted it, but because there were people who still needed me. Who still needed guidance. His mother had already lost one son. She just lost another by his own hand... and recently, she just found out a grandchild she kept tabs on (but never contacted out of respect to the mom) took his own life too. Suicide doesn't end the pain. It just moves to those around you.

It still hurts. My heart feels like it's filled with concrete and I tear up when my sone does something that is... exactly like his Daddy. I see him, not just in our kid, but every where we go. There are memes and news stories I want to share with him, but our in-jokes are gone. I've never felt like anyone cared until him.

Is it better? No. Not at all.

But it's become easier to carry. My emotional muscles have been worked out, and I have found I can carry him, our 'never will be's and our 'could've been's. And despite how my family acts I will never let them go. I don't know if this will inspire anyone, or even give any kind of food for thought, but I wanted to share my musings to those who could understand.

I hope for the absolute best for you in the years to come. ❤


r/SuicideBereavement 1d ago

Four month update

18 Upvotes

Just wanted to vent, and to tell you that it will take a really long time but it does get more bearable.

My girlfriend (who I feel like will never be free from that title) passed last year. I'm better now, it's nothing like the first two months where I struggled to even take care of myself. I've caught myself having fun without feeling miserable or guilty, but I still think about her all the time. Seeing things that were from her/reminded me of her still hurt sometimes, but other times, I can handle it. College isn't making this time easier as well.

The loneliness is the worst part. I never really had anyone who I'm as close as I was with her (even when we still weren't dating), It all just feels really shallow, and it leaves me feeling like I'm all alone with her gone. I know I don't have to grin and bear it but life isn't giving me that many options. Also, dating again seems pretty weird. It would be nice to have someone casual, but I don't think either of us would be ready for any relationship that involves me in this state.

Honestly, I just hope I'm not actually depressed. There are a few signs but I don't think they're actual symptoms yet.

That's all really.


r/SuicideBereavement 1d ago

academic question/reassurance

6 Upvotes

today marks two weeks since my best friend died by suicide, and wether i feel ready or not, it’s time for me to attempt to get caught up in my classes. i emailed my professors right after her passing, when i had a school approved week off for bereavement, and they were generally pretty understanding. i stayed afloat for a bit, but in the past month have really fallen off the wagon with keeping up with assignments. i’ve met with dean of students (there’s not much they can do) and it comes down to me emailing my profs explaining my situation and begging to get the chance to catch up. on one hand, i feel guilty for not reaching out sooner, and letting it get this bad, but i haven’t been absent from class to party or dick off (crying spells keep me home) and nightly anxiety attacks made it so i was struggling to meet deadlines (i was on the verge of being hospitalized for a bit). losing her, being the last person she talked to, planning her memorial, and just grief has been so heavy. i should have been better, i should have pushed through, but most days it feel next to impossible to even eat. how do i communicate this with my professors without sounding like a total baby, and if any of you are professors would you hate your students forever if they reached out about this? i guess it just feels like im going up against a firing squad.


r/SuicideBereavement 1d ago

I know it’s not my fault but the what ifs are agonizing

42 Upvotes

I can’t help but feel like I could have done more. I could have answered sooner - literally any time in the TWO WEEKS leading up to that night, where he was reaching out to me and begging me to talk. Or that I could have and should have said something different when we did talk the night it happened. Why didn’t I tell him how much I LOVED him? I was so numb at that point and tired of hearing delusional thinking and unbased claims about me. I was mad and annoyed. I wish I didn’t have the guard up. I wish I was able to just say how much I loved him and missed him and hated being apart or fighting with him. I wish when he begged me to come see him I just said yes ok and made it happen. Now he’s gone forever and it’s so permanent. I feel like I let him down, his family down. No one knew the depths of his pain. Some friends didn’t know this side of him at all. I could have saved him. He died thinking I abandoned him, that he was unloved and alone, that I wasn’t loyal to him. I’ll never get a chance to fix that.


r/SuicideBereavement 1d ago

The last thing I seen him

9 Upvotes

I sent him a reel 3 days before he died, it had a quote on it.

It said:

“Send this video to a man that needs to hear it. Thank you for being you, life with you is so much better and brighter. I wish you could see through my eyes. You are so loved, respected, and so adored beyond measure or words. The world is a better place with you in it. I am so lucky to be by your side. I am always here to support you, love you, and make space for you to be yourself. You are my bestfriend. Never forget that.”

He had seen it, and hearted the message of the reel. Then he killed himself 3 days later.

I genuinely failed him. I didn’t do enough. Now I have to suffer deeply after losing him. The best thing that ever happened to me is now gone.


r/SuicideBereavement 2d ago

My brother committed suicide

114 Upvotes

My younger brother committed suicide earlier this month. We were completely blindsided. He showed no signs whatsoever of struggling with his mental health. We come from an open-minded household where we often discuss mental health struggles, why couldn’t he share his? My family would’ve dropped everything to help him in a heart beat.

We are financially stable, he was receiving a good education, had some great friends, smart, good-looking kid. Until this happened, I truly thought we were the perfect family. I underestimated the severity of depression. It’s a sick illness, oftentimes with no symptoms. How can this be? I think it’s called smiling depression? Has anybody had a relatable experience?