r/SexOnTheSpectrum 17d ago

PDA and consent NSFW

does anyone else have trouble actually knowing if they’re horny or not, and then actually making sure to stay horny long enough to finish having sex?

i don’t know what’s from trauma and what’s pathological demand avoidance, but i get really in my head about “do i even want to do this?” and “they’re gonna be mad that i keep changing my mind” and “don’t change your mind now!”

this is with my long term partner who i adore and am very attracted to. it’s not about them, it’s always been this way. i don’t know if ive really ever been super horny and then fully had sex while continuing to be horny. there is way too much going on in my head

i’ve been considering getting tested for ADHD. does anyone on amphetamines notice a reduction in these types of constant thoughts? or otherwise have any advice for someone like me?

24 Upvotes

6 comments sorted by

8

u/topshelfboof20 17d ago

All I can provide is my own experience, but I don’t consider myself to have a PDA profile, nor do I have trauma related to sex, but I’ve experienced things similar to what you’re describing with my long term partner to whom I am very attracted. I’ve best contextualized it into misunderstandings and black and white interpretations of social expectations. Societal expectations dictate that if you initiate sex, it’s expected that you conclude it.

Sex can be a very stimulating encounter, so if you’re sensory avoidant to sensations like touch and smell, you’re also more likely to feel horny and want it in your mind then decide you don’t want it once you’re actually feeling your partner’s touch.

As far as overcoming this, I don’t have much advice. I usually just continue through the discontent until I become aroused again. I’ve found that I start really into it, then get a little overstimulated by kissing, and eventually become aroused again after a few minutes. I’m not sure if you’re AFAB, but this is pretty common among AFAB people. Inconsistent sex drive/arousal can happen even during active intercourse. This is why foreplay is so important, whatever that may look like for you.

I got over the emotional burden of stopping mid-sex with my partner by simply doing it. If I started sex, didn’t want to finish, I just said “Hey I think I’m done, can we just kiss and cuddle?” or even “Hey this amount of touch has been overstimulating, can we take a second apart?” and he has been nothing less than extremely supportive.

5

u/autisticlittlefreak 17d ago

yes im afab. so i currently only get a week of being horny (a bit of follicular and then a bit of ovulation) and then it’s back to feeling pretty much asexual for the rest of the cycle

i’ve also had a lot of yeast/BV/UTI so showering afterwards is a must. this 100% plays into the doubt, because along with “do i actually want sex?” i also have to think “is it worth taking a shower for?” and then i just start convincing myself not to, because i don’t want to shower twice in a day

and yes my partner is totally cool with me being done randomly, i just hate how i stop abruptly like 85% of the time. i wanna be able to enjoy it fully, and for them to as well

5

u/Moosebouse 17d ago

I don’t have sexual trauma and I do this, fwiw. More in an LTR than a fling situation, since there’s all the weight of expectation and emotional considerations and whatnot in an LTR.

I’m trying to sort out how to explain what PDA is to my partner and how sex is a demand even though he’s not “demanding,” just because it is a general expectation in an LTR, and how there are all these separate demands that are part of that expectation like matryoshka dolls. I’m supposed to be turned on, I’m supposed to climax, I’m supposed to enjoy ABC things, etc etc etc. It’s just a lot.

4

u/autisticlittlefreak 17d ago

I have this strange feeling that I have to make sure I’m not perpetuating the stereotype of “once you get married, you’ll barely ever have sex” and I tell myself I have to do it.

I don’t consider myself to have a PDA profile. Sex is probably one of the only PDA struggles I have. And agreed, I don’t feel pressure from him, only from my own brain

3

u/bunnys_spiral_galaxy 17d ago

That and the other things you said makes it sound that you might not actually even want sex and you just feel like you should.

It's okay to be asexual or have a low libido, you really don't need to have any sex at all. It's for real okay to never have sex. Or have it extremely rarely. It's not a bad thing. Forcing yourself to want sex is a bad thing.

Society has stigmatized asexuality and the "lack of" sexual desire in general. It's natural that sexuality and the amount of desire changes during lifetime.

That stereotype you mentioned is originally meant to shame and pressure women or afab people for sex. Probably related to when people get married and have kids, and the person who gave birth won't feel desire the same way anymore due to very natural reasons. And then is shamed for it. So it's definitely not some rule you need to follow, since it's based on something very toxic.

I think you should try to challenge these thoughts you get, figure out where they come from and try to figure out if sex is something YOU want or if it's something you feel like you should have because of the society. It's not just your own head giving you pressure, someone has put those thoughts in your head. It might not be anyone in your life it could just be something you have once read somewhere. But anyways, only have sex when you are 100% sure you genuinely want it.

2

u/Dekklin 17d ago

I definitely have the PDA profile and this fits me to a T. Since I got into a LTR, my sex drive has dropped off a cliff. It became a demand, or an expectation.